The Way You Show Up in Love Changes Everything

What You Deserve & How to Be a Better Partner: Daily Behaviors, Love Languages, Attachment Styles, and the Gottman Relationship House

Host Ariana Reinhart pivots Reclaiming Me to relationships, asking whether you’re truly a good partner in day-to-day behaviors and reminding listeners that “bare minimum” isn’t healthy, including in the relationship with yourself. 

She shares a personal story about a year-long neck/shoulder injury that led her to feel defeated and become unintentionally burdensome, prompting her to reclaim hope, seek proper treatment, and show up again for herself and her partner. 

Key takeaways include choosing each other daily, accepting imperfect effort (not rigid expectations), taking accountability, giving benefit of the doubt, and communicating concerns calmly instead of bottling them up. 

She recommends learning love languages (Gary Chapman), understanding attachment styles (Attached by Levine and Heller), and applying the Gottmans’ Sound Relationship House—trust, fondness, turning toward, positive perspective, managing conflict, supporting dreams, and creating shared meaning—teasing a next episode on conflict communication.

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Transcript

Ariana 0:00

Hello, lovely listeners, and welcome back to Reclaiming Me. Today, we are pivoting and, like, we're switching it up a little bit, and we're gonna talk about relationships. So a lot of people think they're a good partner. But if your partner described you honestly to their friends, would you still agree? In this episode, I'm breaking down how to actually treat your partner and how you deserve to be treated in return. Not in a, like, cliché surface level way, but in the day-to-day behaviors that determine whether your relationship grows or quietly falls apart. Sometimes we're so caught up in our own perspective that we're blind to seeing what's really going on. Or maybe we're programmed from past traumas to believe that the bare minimum is acceptable. It's not. And on a side note, all of this includes the relationship that you have with yourself and the way you treat yourself. Now, I just wanna give a quick shout-out and thank you to one of our amazing listeners, Colby, for suggesting this topic. Relationships are a part of our everyday life, whether it be work relationships, romantic, friends, or our relationship with ourselves. So I believe it is crucial to remind ourselves of what a healthy relationship looks like. And by the way, if you can't wait to hear more from this podcast, hit the follow button or share your thoughts with me on Instagram at Balanced Soul Awakening. It truly inspires me to hear your stories and your aha moments. All right, it's time to grab your favorite drink, settle in, and let's get started. You are not too much. You are not too sensitive. You are not too late. Welcome to Reclaiming Me, the podcast for the woman who's ready to stop shrinking and start coming home to herself. Whether you're driving home from another long shift, walking your dog under a quiet sky, or trying to outrun the voice says you're not enough, this space is for you. I'm your host, Ariana Reinhart, speaker, coach, and your guide on this journey of undoing the noise, shedding the pressure, and rising into who you were always meant to be. This show explores what it really means to heal from toxic patterns, rebuild your confidence, and reclaim the love and life you actually deserve. Here we talk self-worth, healing, boundaries, power, and the sacred process of becoming. Because you were never meant to fit in, you're on the journey back to who you were before the world told you who to be. This is your invitation. Let's begin. Okay, so I'm gonna get real vulnerable with you guys here. I like to think that when I'm in a healthy relationship, I am a pretty good partner. I listen and I respond rather than react most of the time. I enjoy quality time, but also spending some time to myself. I'm understanding and encourage my partner to do the things that they love. I trust and I'm not possessive. I appreciate the little moments, the nice thoughtful gestures, and I love to just be goofy together and make my partner laugh. I know my worth and my standards, but I don't hold any unrealistic expectations. However, I had an eye-opening epiphany not very long ago. So for those of you who don't know, I've been dealing with a neck and shoulder injury for about, well, a year now. And there were months where I couldn't move my head or my shoulder at all. I couldn't dress myself. I couldn't shower. I couldn't make food or really do much of anything for chores. And my absolutely incredible partner stepped up and took care of me, and I'm so unbelievably grateful for him. But without realizing it, I let the voices and fear take over. So I wasn't really receiving proper treatment, like the treatment that I really needed in order to be able to heal. And I was being told that this was just something that I was gonna have to deal with for the rest of my life. And I was living in so much fear because it was little movements while I was sleeping or showering that were like that straw that broke the camel's back and left me in this absolutely debilitating state. And eventually, that fear and that loss of hope ended up weighing me down, and I allowed myself to believe that this was just gonna be my life. I could no longer do aerial. I couldn't do much of anything I really loved to do. And I thought I had to just accept that my life was forever gonna change for the worse. And that ended up affecting my relationship. It was subtle changes, so subtle that I couldn't even see them at first. But one day, I finally clued in that my partner was starting to see me as someone he would always have to take care of, and it was weighing deeply on him. So instead of visualizing, like, this beautiful life together, he was seeing all of the extra responsibilities that he would have to take on. And it got to the point where I wasn't so much being viewed as a partner, and that realization hurt like hell. It was beyond eye-opening. I couldn't believe that I had let myself become so defeated that I wasn't showing up for my partner in the way that he deserved, and I felt like a complete burden. In that moment, I decided... Like, when I realized this, I decided that I was gonna take my power back. I gave it away to my circumstances. I gave it away to what I was being told, even though that didn't have to be the only truth, but I was living it as my truth. So I started showing up again for both myself and my partner. I decided that I have the power to change my reality, and I didn't wanna live that way anymore. And I am Telling you that, like, when I finally had the help and started receiving the proper treatment and had someone who gave me this sense of hope, it honestly... Like, I was so grateful that it brought me close to tears. Yeah, just having that hope, like, it was so difficult just thinking, you know,"I'm thirty-two years old, and I'm gonna have to deal with this for the rest of my life. Like, I'm way too young for this." And having that realization, having some other perspective and someone who was like,"You know what? We can get you strong, and we can get you better again," it was so incredibly overwhelming, and I was so grateful. And that really helped me to start to step up for myself. And yes, I'm gonna have to push myself to get strong again. I'm gonna have to be diligent with working out and maintaining my strength probably for the rest of my life. But I have the choice to do so, so that I can get back to doing what I love and so that I can live my life no longer, like, being in fear day in and day out, no longer wondering if I'm gonna lose my job because I can't do it anymore. Now, you guys, sometimes those changes happen so slowly and so subtly that we don't actually realize what's going on. We're sitting there thinking that, like, we're showing up, we're being a good partner, but in reality, we're slipping. And it can happen so easily. That's not something to hold guilt over. It's not something to beat yourself up about, but it is your responsibility to have awareness around it and to hold yourself accountable and change your reality. So with that being said, to be a good partner, you show up for each other and choose each other every single day. There are days where you're not gonna be able to give a hundred percent. Relationships are not always meant to be fifty-fifty. Some days you might only be able to give thirty percent, and your partner might need to pitch in the other seventy, and vice versa. The point is that you're showing up for yourselves and for each other. You're being compassionate on the days where one of you doesn't have as much to give. But it also shouldn't be completely one-sided. Relationships are give and take, and you have to value each other. You let go of the expectations. You are never going to find the perfect partner. We all have our own way of doing things. So let go of any expectations that you have and accept your partner for who they are. Because you deserve someone who keeps trying and someone who complements and enhances your life, someone who keeps choosing to stay and sticks by you through the difficult moments or those difficult chapters in your relationship or in your life. You don't need perfection. The amount of people that I hear that they're like they want their partner to do more, especially this is a very common thing with women. They want their partner to do more around the house, but then the woman is so used to doing things on her own that then when the partner does do something, like example I hear this a lot, loading the dishwasher. The amount of people that say that if their partner loads the dishwasher, they will go back and reload it in the way that they like or the way that they want it to be loaded because they just can't handle the way that their partner did it. One, you're creating so much extra work for yourself. Two, you're kind of taking away from the fact that your partner is trying. And three, you're having these expectations instead of... which are, are going to eventually lead to more issues potentially instead of just accepting who your partner is and appreciating the fact that they're trying. And now to be fair, sometimes this might be a half-ass job that they're doing, and they might not really like actually be putting in the effort. That's a different thing. But if your partner is like actually honest to God trying and wanting to help out, then let them do it. Let it be. Let go of the expectations. Okay, on to the next point. So At one point or another, you're going to feel hurt by your partner in some way, whether it be intentional or not. The important thing is that you both own up to your mistakes and you continue to have respect for each other. We are human. Things are gonna happen. And we all have different communication styles. So for example, Branden is often a little softer in the way that he states things. And on the other hand, I can come across as very, like, straight and to the point. Sometimes people consider me to be blunt. And I'm gonna be honest with you, I'm not gonna sugarcoat things. I'm still polite, but I'm not just gonna tell you what you want to hear because that doesn't seem honest to me. This was a bit of a point of contention at the beginning of our relationship. Branden had to learn that when I speak in that manner, it doesn't mean I'm attacking him or that I'm upset with him. And I had to learn that sometimes my words can come out a little harsher than I'm intending for them to. So I found new ways to express myself in a more gentle way without losing my truth and my essence. The thing is, it's all about perception. So work on giving your partner the benefit of the doubt when something happens or when something is said that makes you feel a certain kind of way. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt. And the biggest thing that we have learned together is to express our concerns rather than bottling them up. And in the next episode, I'm gonna be speaking about communicating in a way that helps to resolve conflict rather than elevating it. So stay tuned for that. But the longer that we hold onto and ruminate on those feelings, the worse we make the stories out to be in our heads. And we also store that tension and that frustration in our body. So learning to communicate your wants, your needs, and your concerns in a calm manner is essential for a healthy relationship. Okay. Now I'm gonna discuss some other things that I've learned through, um, like therapy, through self-growth, and things that are backed in science as well. So something that I highly recommend is learning each other's love languages. This may sound trivial, but it's actually incredibly beneficial because chances are that you and your partner have different results when it comes to the love languages that you value most. You might have one that's the same, but the chances are that like your top three or your top two are probably not going to be in the exact same order. So you might be expressing your love for your partner through acts of service when one of their top love languages is words of affirmation. That means that it's not gonna land the same way for them as you intend for it to. And if you learn what they value the most, then you can start to implement those love languages more often, which will strengthen your relationship. For those of you who don't know, the five love languages was developed by Dr. Gary Chapman, and they are like distinct ways that people express and receive love. So they consist of quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, and receiving gifts. So understanding them can help you communicate your affection more effectively, and it also helps to strengthen your emotional bond. We have like a primary and a secondary love language, and utilizing them in your relationship can improve your overall satisfaction. If you don't know the order of your love languages, you can take a free test online to get your results. And Dr. Chapman also has a book titled The Five Love Languages if you prefer to read or learn more about them. Okay. Another aspect I learned about that really helped me when it came to relationships was learning my attachment style. So I listened to the audiobook Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller on Audible, and I found it very insightful. The main attachment styles that you learn about in the book are secure attachment, anxious attachment, avoidant, and anxious avoidant. There are some other styles as well, but we're gonna focus on these four. And so the thing is, anxious and avoidant attachment styles have a tendency to subconsciously seek each other out, and the relationships almost never work. The avoidant is afraid to get too close because they don't wanna be vulnerable, and then when things start to get real, they tend to pull away because they're scared of fully opening up to that person. They're afraid of getting hurt, and so they hold themselves at a distance. And when they pull away, this in turn leads the anxious partner to panic, and then they cling on harder, desperately trying to save the relationship because they can feel their partner retreating. So the goal is to move into a secure attachment and ideally to find a partnership with another secure individual. However, a secure and an anxious or a secure and an avoidant partnership can work as well. The book not only explains what each of the attachment styles are, but it also explains the tendencies of the different attachment styles in relationships, how to recognize the signs, how to communicate with the different styles, and it gives tools to help you transition into a secure attachment. And it also, or at least the audiobook, has like a, a quiz or a test or whatever that you can take to see which attachment style you are, and then as you progress on your journey, you can see if you start to, like, mold into a different style. I would say it's a book that is worth a read. I quite enjoyed it. And then lastly, I wanna talk about something that my therapist introduced me to, and that is the Sound Relationship House theory, which was developed by John and Julie Gottman. So John and Julie are pioneers in relationship science, and they have revolutionized our understanding of marriage, relationships, and couples therapy. Through their research, they have developed an approach that helps couples move past the barriers that they have so that they can understand each other better and have deeper connections and intimacy in their relationships. So the Sound Relationship House is built on the pillars of trust and commitment. Those are like the sides of the house. They're the pillars. And it states that the five ways to build this in your relationship are to, one, make trustworthiness a main priority in your relationship. Two, act to maximize your partner's wellbeing. Three, know that trust is built in small positive moments. Four, avoid negative comparisons. And five, generate frequent thoughts and acts that cherish your partner's positive qualities and minimize your focus on their negative faults. Then we have, like, the foundational level, which focuses on having awareness about your partner's world. So what are their likes and their dislikes? What is important to them? What are they currently struggling with? Is there anything going on in their life that you can celebrate with them at this time? The next step is to share fondness and admiration. So this is where you would show your partner that you care. Maybe do something nice for them, make them feel good, spend some quality time together, make them feel desired and loved, and acknowledge the work that they're putting in. After that comes turning towards instead of away. So to me, this is probably one of the areas where most relationships struggle. It's very easy to get upset and to hermit or place the blame on the other person. It's a lot more challenging to lean into them and to express your wants and your needs and your desires when you feel upset or when something is bothering you. But that's exactly what the relationship needs. Not like when you're heated in the moment, but when you feel that disconnect and you wanna just, like, separate, learn to lean in instead So many relationships fail because the partners aren't willing to lean on each other or be vulnerable in those moments where it matters the most. We love to hold on to our pride, but most of the time when we're hurt or upset, we're feeling neglected, what we truly want deep down is to be held, to be acknowledged, and to be appreciated by the other person. We sit there and tell ourselves that we want to be angry with them or we want that personal space or we just can't stand to be around them or like we just, oh, I need to be mad at them right now. But the next time, I challenge you, the next time you're at this point, the next time you're feeling this or that's your instinct, ask yourself, what do I really want in this moment? Deep down, what do I truly want? And be honest with yourself. Because if we let our minds take the anger or the hurt and run with it, it's only going to get worse. I have noticed that any time where I'm willing to express myself in a calm manner and then reach for Branden rather than turn away, we are always able to resolve our issues and we often come out even stronger. And this goes for time in the bedroom too. It's easy to get into our day-to-day routines and let our sex life fall to the wayside when things get busy or when we're stressed. And as women, this can tend to lead us to become detached from intimacy. But finding a way to be intimate without it feeling forced and reestablishing that connection in a way that feels natural and good is key to bringing back that desire in the relationship. Maybe you need to switch things up and try something new. Maybe you need to bring some fun back into the bedroom. Whatever works. The next building block for the house is the positive perspective. So this is when you have a strong friendship within your marriage or your relationship, which I believe is a crucial component. You need to have that friendship. Otherwise, what are you guys doing together? Then we have manage conflict. So I'll speak about this more in the next episode, but this entails being open to compromise and accepting the other person's perspective, their needs, and their wants. Discuss your problems, take turns listening to one another about the issues that you're having and the way that it makes them feel. And practice self-soothing. So find ways to keep yourself calm. Now, this all depends on your personality and, like, who you are as a person, but it also depends on who your partner is. So find a way that works for the both of you because you may approach conflict in a different way. For example, Branden and I are very different when it comes to confrontation. He needs time to process his emotions so that he can articulate them efficiently, whereas the longer I wait to get something off my chest, the more I ruminate on it and the more upset I get. So we have had to find like an in-between or a common ground for having those difficult discussions. And some of the activities that I find best help calm me down are going for a walk or getting out in nature, shaking off that energy that I don't wanna hold onto. Like, I do shaking and toning and breath. It works so well. Working out or moving my body in some way, if I've got that, like, frustrated energy, lifting weights, boxing, something like that where I'm really able to, um-- or, like, hard, intense cardio, I find those are really, really helpful for moving that energy through. And then meditation once I'm somewhat calm. Meditation helps me to realign myself and bring me back into the present moment and helps me to reflect. And then if I'm really, really frustrated, screaming into a pillow. It's literally just like put a g-- pillow against your face and scream into it three times, and I promise you will feel better after. And then once I'm regulated, I sit down, and I take some time to imagine how my partner or how the other person may have perceived that situation. I try to see it from their perspective, and I do this more so as well when I'm sitting there listening to their side of it. But I try to do it before I even speak to them as well. I try to sit there and think like,"Okay, how did they possibly perceive this? How might I have come across? How might I have been in the wrong, or how could I have hurt them?" So in other words, I'm taking the time to acknowledge my part in the situation so that I can apologize, and so that I can see it from both perspectives. And then as we get closer to the top of the house, we have make life dreams come true. So this entails finding ways to support each other's life goals and dreams. It's important to make sure that you're both striving towards growth and a better future. If your partner doesn't feel like their goals are important to or supported by you, then that can cause resentment in the future. And it's best to like have goals that you wanna achieve together and then also have individual goals that you can support each other in. And at the top of the house, we have create shared meaning. So this is building a shared sense of purpose. What do you want to leave as a legacy? What is your mission together? Really getting clear on that. And if you can build this house together, chances are you're gonna have a really strong relationship. Let me know which of these tips resonated most with you or if there's anything that you wanna try out or learn about to strengthen your relationship. I would love to hear your perspective, and you can text the show by clicking Send Fan Mail in the show notes. Okay, that is all for today, friends. Thank you so much for tuning in, and don't forget to check back for the next episode where I'm gonna be discussing effective communication and navigating conflict in a way that brings you closer together rather than fueling the conflict. And lastly, if this episode resonated with you, please take a moment to subscribe and rate the show. Your feedback helps us reach more people and create more impactful content. We truly appreciate it. You are not too much. You are not behind, and you are not broken. You are worthy. You are whole, and you are already everything you're seeking. This is Reclaiming Me. Until next time, be gentle, be bold, be you.