At The End Of The Rope(Still Holding On): Hang In There Kitten

When all the spoons are gone, when the tired never seems to go away, when you're just so tried of "faking it till you make it", when your bones are tired, and absolutely everything and nothing all at the same time makes you cry- Well, then you're finding yourself where I am right now. At the end of the rope, but still hanging on kitten. If you're listening to this and you're worn out too, hang in there kitten. You're not weak you're tired, there's a difference. Shout out to all the lovelies I blanked on when recording, including Wayward MARKET- why did I try and make it so hard??? In this podcast we talk about giving more than you take, new con season, Las Vegas guests, giving Jensen Ackles the Countdown scrapbook in Nashville, losing friends but holding tight to others, and just trying to make it through. I see you guys. No fancy edits or music on this one, and you'll even get to hear PJ make her first appearance (sorry if you hear her snoring). We're still here, and that's enough for now....

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hi guys, my name is Robin. Welcome to Anxious Broken Loving It. It is January 15th, 2026. This is our first episode of the new year. And I don't want to I guess downplay things, but I do want to manage expectations. The title of this episode is going to be At the End of the Rope, Still Holding On, Hangin' Their Kittin, because this is an episode that is I'm finding tooth and nail to do. Um those of you that are regular listeners know that a lot of times my sweet little baby PJ goes over to grandma's house while I record because um she doesn't like to share me with the computer, she doesn't like to share me with the microphone, she doesn't like to share me with headphones, she just doesn't like to share me. She breathes really loud, she moves around a lot, so any background noises you hear, that's probably gonna be PJ. So let's all welcome PJ to her first podcast. Maybe if she can behave, then she can become a regular. Um the reason that I decided to go with the title for this one at the end of the rope, still holding on, hanging their kitten, is because honestly and truthfully, these last couple of months have been tough. Um, those of you that follow me on Facebook are aware that I deal with chronic migraines. They have been especially rough the last month or so. Um, they're always rough, so I mean I I'm not saying that for sympathy, essentially, like I was talking to somebody today, like you know, on a normal day for me, I'm looking at a two or three migraine level. Um, I do one of the treatments that I do for my migraines is Botox. Um, and usually once I get it about the two-month mark, you can tell um it gets a little bit rougher for me, and because of the holidays and um work schedules and things like that, I am actually at three and a half, just yeah, like maybe three and a half months right now, um, since my last Botox treatment. So I am past due for that, so it has been some rough going. Also, as most of us around the world have been um dealing with different changes in weather. One minute it's 70 degrees, then it's the barometer's pressures dropping, then it's cold, it's rainy. Um, any of those changes for those of us with chronic illnesses, my migraines deal with it, my bones deal with it, my neck deals with me, deals with it, my entire whole old lady body deals with it. So that's been a struggle. Also, as I mentioned, um, with the work field that I am, we are in the busy season. Hope everybody got their flu shots because it is a rough flu season out there, guys. So be careful. Um, but so it's it's been a little bod and woolly with that. We're a little short staffed, but all that being said, um it's just been a lot of just trying to keep my head above water, trying to um fake it till I make it, I guess. Um I've really been meaning into you know, the last podcast that I recorded was shortly after the Nashville con um over Halloween weekend, which was a great delight. Um, I did get the videos uploaded from that, some of the pictures posted, not all. Um, so it it was good to have that, but then we started to to kind of end up into our con down season, and um between con down season and all the other things I mentioned, and let's be honest, no matter what side of the political spectrum you may sit on, things out there kind of are hairy right now. Um, none of us I think are probably exactly gunko and loving any of the things that are going out, so that can create a lot of stress, and if you're an empath like empath like I am, then those types of things wear on you even more. So all that to say um that we are you can hear PJ wiggling a little bit up under the blanket, sorry about that. Um, but all of that to say that you know I did want to touch base with you guys. I didn't want people to feel like you know I dropped off the face of the earth, that I had abandoned you. Um, I was very honored to be on Spirits and Supernaturals podcast um at the end of the year. It was quite a joy to be on there with Denny and Dawn, and then um myself, Kelly, and Sherry and Ed from the Roadhouse were all on there and we specifically talked about conventions, so I hope you all got a chance to listen to or watch that podcast because they also do video for theirs, um, because they're very much more advanced than I am. Um, but it was it was a very good episode, and I think we got an opportunity to talk about a lot of good things. So if you haven't listened to that or if you haven't checked out their podcast, please do check out their podcast. I also again um just kind of some housekeeping things, I guess, to talk about. Like I said, you know, we're in that weird time um where we wound down from cons. Fortunately, this weekend, um, like I said, today is actually the 15th. So as we speak, now there's three-hour time difference, so not as we speak, but in a few hours in Las Vegas tonight, they will be having pre-registration. So first con of the year, whoop, very exciting. Um, Vegas was originally one I had kind of hoped to go to, but then Jared um pulled out because of filming for um his Netflix movie, so that was kind of a deal breaker for me. Um, although I did still consider it because there are several countdown cast members that are gonna be there. Um, so I am sad to be missing it, but I um rationalized it that I am going to Jib in April, so I told myself that missing Vegas will allow me to get an additional Jensen meet and greet in Jib, hopefully. Um, we'll also have the Norfolk convention that is coming January 30th, so in two weeks. Really, really had hoped to be at that one. Again, work conflicts are just completely destroying the possibility of that happening for me. Um, we are short staffed at work right now, and I don't have quite as much flexibility as I did have in my old job, which is probably the only thing I miss about my old job was the fact that I have more flexibility with the schedule and I made my own schedule. Um, I don't have that in this new job, and that's kind of a bummer, especially whenever con time rolls around. Um, so we're we're we're heading into con season. It's exciting. We're pulling out of this blurry winter, you know. Like I said, I've been going through all of my physical maladies, um, emotionally, I've been in a weird spot. Some of you are aware of some of the things that I've been going through. Don't want to, you know, this is not a this isn't a Dr. Phil episode, so nobody needs to know all of my problems like that. Although I much appreciate all of you that, you know, would love to listen to them and always offer to let me vent into your inbox. Um, I also love those of you that have allowed me to talk about some of the problems that I've had going on. Um you mix all of those things together and it's just been like this perfect storm. And I think, you know, they talk about seasonal depression. Boy, I don't know about you guys, but I am absolutely feeling it. When I was sitting down, because I started thinking about it today at work. I was like, you know, maybe if I just do just a quick one, not even like a long one, just a quick one to kind of go through touch base, say, hey, you know, con season is starting again, you know, refresh, keep us in everybody's mind, introduce us to new people. Um, so I started thinking about it today at work, and I was trying to think of like some titles, you know, how do I want to go? Like, I I didn't want to be like fake. Um I'm one of those people that, you know, even when I'm not feeling great, or even when I'm not, you know, in a good place, I'm not necessarily like Debbie Downer, wonk wonk. Um, just because that's not how my personality is. But some of the things that, you know, some of the titles that I went through was at the end of the rope, still holding on, which was the official winner combined with one of the other ones. Running on empty, which was a personal favorite because season 15, episode 19, um, Jackson Brown's version of Running on Empty is the song that plays at the end. So I really liked like the the idea of doing that one, and I really do feel like I'm running on empty, but I kind of felt like it would be lost because I couldn't use the song because of copyright issues. So even though you know I thought it would be cool, it wouldn't really play well. Um, when everything is too much was one of my possibilities. I'm tired in ways sleep can't fix, because trust me, I feel that this kid right now can sleep 14 hours, still get up, and feel like I could sleep 28 more hours. Barely holding it together. I am literally that meme of the cardboard box with the duct tape wrapped around it saying this is how well I'm holding it together. No gas left, still driving. Those of you that actually know um some fun facts about me know how much I hate to stop and get gas. So um in my whole entire life, I've probably run out of gas like six, seven, eight times. Um, not recently, because I've gotten a lot better about that. Um, but I hate to get gas. But you know, I I didn't necessarily think that that would fit for this one because it's more that I'm stubborn that I just don't stop and get gas as opposed to just being run down. Um, this is what burnout feels like. That one seemed almost a little bit too wonk wonk. Um, a couple of the softer options were a quiet episode for the worn out, and that would be a way because I feel like if I'm feeling this way, there's several other people that are feeling this way that are starting to just have those times where they're like, I'm just worn out. Um, if you're exhausted too, sit with me. Again, just kind of a way to to bond and welcome us together. Tonight I'm just telling the truth. The only thing about that one that I didn't really like is I mean, I kind of always tell the truth, so I didn't want it to seem like a normally lie. Um, but then so then you know, I I narrowed it down a little bit, but then what I really liked was if you're exhausted too, sit with me. I I narrowed it down to these hills. Like if you're exhausted too, sit with me or hang in there kitten, and then I'm like, wait a second, how about at the end of the rope still holding on, hang in there kitten? Because, as I'm sure we are all aware, with all of our um, I don't want to say Easter eggs, that's my Taylor Swift fandom coming out, Emmy. But um, for example, in Countdown, whenever she gave um Mark Meachum the poster, it was the hang in their kitty poster, the reference back to supernatural about them hanging up the hangin' their kitty poster. It's kind of like a reference to that. That you know, even though like right now, I feel like I'm at the end of the rope, I'm barely hanging on, but still, you know, hanging their kitten because that's what we do, that's what I do, that's how this fandom rolls. Um, I carry around my Jared coin, my always keep fighting coin at all times, so that's just what we do. I'm tired. I feel like I could sleep forever. I don't feel motivated to do the podcast, I don't feel motivated to post in um the J2 Trash group, I don't feel motivated to update a lot of things, I don't feel motivated to do much other than just kind of lay like a blob around and watch reality TV. Um, but I feel like I owe the fandom more than that, and I owe myself more than that. So we're gonna try and do a little bit more than that. So yeah. Um we're at the end of the rope, still holding on and hanging their kitten. So, really one of the things that I I kind of want to talk about is just wanted to, like I said, it's gonna be a short one tonight, guys. It's not gonna be a really long one. Um you know, you can only listen to PJ snore in the background so much. But really, one and I what I wanted to kind of do is just address the fact that it is the start of con season. As I said, today's the 15th. Las Vegas starts. Registration is tonight at the Rio, and um the con is the 16th through the 18th. Sadly, Jared will not be at this con. He had actually canceled this con um back because he was filming for his new Netflix movie. Um, as a lot of us may or may not be aware. I say people are aware, but there may be plenty of people that aren't. Um, apparently he broke his leg over Christmas break. Um, I don't know. Uh I've heard a couple of different things. He just kind of casually dropped it in um Twitter conversation. Um, but I've heard that he broke it the last day of filming. I've also heard that he broke it over the break itself. So I'm not sure which of those is true. But um, so they're not currently back to filming yet, but I assume that he is healing. So he's not in Vegas, but Vegas does have some amazing, amazing. This is I'll say this is probably the first non-Jared Khan that I've been like, oof, I really kind of wish I was there, except for maybe Toronto coming up because Christian Kane will be there, and I really want to see Christian Kane. Um, part of that reason is because first off, we've got um two countdown um alumni that are gonna be there, which is absolutely like just fantastic. So um let me pull up. I'm trying to pull up the schedule just real quick, guys. Bear with me. Sorry, should have had all of this a little bit more um organized, but then if it had been that much more organized, it wouldn't really be me. Um, so we have got from Countdown, we have not only Jensen, of course, but we also have Elliot Knight and we have Jessica Camacho. Amazing. I was really hoping they would add were gonna add Oli. I kept telling myself if they added Ooli, I was gonna find myself on a plane somehow. Thank God they didn't add Ooli. Um, but they are gonna have photos with Elliot, Jessica, and Jensen. Cannot wait to see those. Um, as I am sure most of you are aware, Eric Dane's um ALS has severely progressed. Um, he was actually a hope for me at first, too, when they started announcing. I was like, oh my god, if they announce Eric, you know, I've got to be there because I've watched him since the next steamy days. Um, but he he his illness has progressed pretty, it's been pretty aggressive. Um, but so some of the things that they've got going on that are different for this particular con that I think are really unusual. For example, to let's see, today's Thursday, so tomorrow night, um, Friday night, they are doing a reading of War of the Worlds, which they've done before, I believe a trick convention before, which I think is a great idea. Um, Rich, Rob, Elena, DJ, Curtis, Charisma, Barry, and Alyssia are all gonna be there for that, which is fantastic. Um, I'm a little jealous that I'm not gonna get to see Booger, to be honest. Um, while I love all of those, Curtis will always and forever be Booger from Revenge of the Nerds to me. And as much as I hated him as Metatron, I will always love Booger. I also loved him on Moonlighting, so I would have loved an opportunity to get a chance to see him. Um, some of the other things that they are gonna have that are gonna be unusual or different for this um for this particular con. They actually have um both Rob and Rich are signing for gold, but they're only signing on gold for Friday, um, which is an interesting twist. So, like if you miss their um autographs on Friday for your gold pass, apparently you will not be able to make them up. I think they're really pushing the Fridays are back. Um, 2025, Rob and Rich were not on stage on Fridays, and this looks like a good sign that for 2026 they will be back on stage for Fridays, which is great news because they're amazing and they add so much to the con. Um, so it's it's a huge plus for them to be on the gold pass. I've gotten Rich's autograph several times on the gold pass. I have never been to a convention where Rob's auto is included on the gold pass, and so I actually have never gotten Rob's auto, sadly. Um, unless I got it at Jib. I can't remember if it was included in Jib. If it was included at Jib, I got it at Gibb, so that's very possible. Um, so those are, you know, that's a a win win. But again, they're really pushing Fridays. Um, one of the things that they talked about on the like the creation website is you know, Fridays being back, they're really pushing to increase attendance for Fridays, I think. And one thing that I will always, always, always recommend to anybody, even though I'm a hardcore, as we all know, J2 girl, I'm there for Denson, I'm there for Jared. If nobody else showed up, I'd still show up just for those two. But that being said, I mean the rest of the cast is amazing, and Friday is a great day because I love the vibe on Friday, it's very relaxed for me. I rarely do really any events on Friday, I don't do any photo ops. Um, I have done uh a meet and greet with Gil in the past. Um, he's not in Vegas, sadly, which makes it makes me sad because I do love me some Gil. Um, but so generally Fridays for me are just a way to kind of ease in. Um, and I always recommend that to everybody, especially, you know, if it's your first con. It's really good to just kind of ease in on Friday and get your feel about how things are, make your way through the vendor room and discover where everybody's at. And oops, PJ is moving around and making sure she's letting everybody know that she's here. Let's just keep on going. Um So on Friday, they are having the War of the Worlds rereading. They'll also have karaoke, which is free as always. On Saturday, this is very exciting. And I'm sure I'm going to butcher her last name because I've never actually heard anybody pronounce it. Amy Gaminick, who played Young Mary, is going to be in Vegas. And her and Matt Collin are actually doing a panel together as well as a photo op. And I'm not going to lie to you. Not only would I absolutely have to be there for that panel, I might have to get that photo op because that's pretty, I don't know, that's pretty cool. I don't know for sure. I think they have an Amy and Samantha Smith uh photo op as well, too, which I think is a really neat idea. Um Felicia Day is going to be in um Vegas, which is always a plus. They do have a countdown panel on Saturday, which is Elliot and Jessica. Um I'm not gonna lie to you. Let's take a look real quick. 415. Densome will be in photo ops. So I could see him maybe crashing the end of that panel. Um he has photo ops at 415 and then at 420, and after he does not, so I could see him crashing that panel, um, which would be a very nice treat. I would that that would be like a dream for me, is a I just want to see Elliot and Jessica, but then have Jensen come out, that would be amazing. Um, they are having Saturday night special, um, no radio company events at this con. Steve is not attending. Jensen has at this point not been announced to sing, so unless it is a surprise, he will not be singing. Um, let's see. Let's look at some of the photo ops to see if there's a Barry Bostwick, who is gonna be at the War of the Worlds, and he is in the I'm horrible at the names, but the the Chris Angel is a douchebag, I think is the name of it. Um, he's actually in that episode. Barry Bostwick, I'm a pretty big fan of, so I think that would be cool. I wouldn't necessarily um want to get my picture made with him, but I'd love to see, like, I just love to see him. I don't know for sure if he's doing a panel, but I would think it looks like maybe he's gonna be in the vendors room, which would be a neat thing. Vegas looks like it's gonna be a good time to see people that aren't always there. Um, yes, they are doing a Mary op, Sam and Amy. Um Emmanuel, and again, I'm gonna butcher the name. I have no idea. Like, I'm not even gonna pretend to know how to say her last name. Um, but she played Madison, the werewolf, that Sam um was in love with. Hate that Jared's not gonna be at this con because that would be a great op, the two of them together. But I would like to meet her. Emily Swallow, who played Amara, is gonna be there. They have an Emily and Rob op, which is a great opportunity. Um, let's see. We've got Jensen and Baby, we've got Elliot by himself, we've got Jessica and Elliot, Jessica by herself, Jensen, Jessica and Elliot. Um, Jensen is doing an op with Jason Manns, Jensen and Misha. Um, Misha and Felicia are doing an op together. That's an interesting one. Um, I'm not 100% sure of the connection with that. I know they're doing a Misha and Jake op, which I think is hilarious because it's the ass butt op. I think that's hilarious. Um I don't necessarily know what the theme is with the Misha and Felicia, other than just that they're, you know, their names dry, Misha and Felicia. Um, let's see. Talked about the different people that are gonna be there. I'm gonna just I'm looking through with the schedule real quick to see if there's anybody that I haven't mentioned. Al Cal is officially on the um roster for 2026, which I am ecstatic about because he's always a favorite of mine. Um love to see him. Mark Shepherd is also um on the roster. For those of you that in the past have done um have done Victoria's makeup class, she's actually changed it for 2026. It's an um a special effects makeup workshop. So if you've done it in the past, you might want to do it again. Um, also, this is very interesting. Actually, I just saw this, is they have improv with Brianna and Emily. That's a neat little um event. That would be a fun one to go to. Jake and Chill is on the schedule, Manscave is on the schedule. Um Game Game Show Night at the Roadhouse is on the schedule, jewelry making with Jodie Z, Ruth's Witching Hour, Jake and Chill. Did I already say Jake and Chill? Um, so a lot of the usuals are on the schedule. I don't see, let's see, this is Saturday. Let me double check Friday because I did not notice. Um they have the War of the Worlds, so that may have thrown off a few other things. Oh, yes, they do have. I was gonna say, I don't see the photography workshop with Chris, and that is still on my to-do list. Um, David Hayden Jones is on the tour for 2026, so a lot of his events are back. Dinner with Davy. Um, I think they have a cocktail, a cocktail hour with Davy. Um, they are doing the PJ party. They did a couple of different um at a couple different stops last year. They did the drums from hell with Mark and Steven. So they are doing that in Vegas. So depending on how attendance goes, that may become a regular thing. That seems like something that would be fun to do. Selfies, selfies are the new thing. Um, not only can you do like selfies with the people in the vendors' room, they've got selfies with Rich, selfies with God, which is Rob, selfies with Billy, selfies with Steven, selfies, selfies with Mike. Um for Vegas, they it does look like Jensen has an early out that he has to have by Sunday. Uh his his meet and greet, and I'm not gonna lie as much as I hate that I'm not there. A 9 30 a.m. on Sunday meet and greet with Jensen Accles. I wish I was there, but oh my god, I'm glad I'm not having to get up for that. Marie Smith, I'm looking at you. Do you realize how early you're gonna have to get up to be ready for that meet and greet? That's all I'm saying. I'm just leaving it at that. Um, but so it looks like Jensen has an early out on Sunday, so he must have to get back to filming for Vot Rising because he has his meet and greet at 9:30. Um, his first photo ops start at 10 a.m. Oof. Um, and then he they're doing the Jensen and Jake, Jensen and Mark, Jensen and Rob. Um then later in the afternoon he does some other um he does some other ops and then he takes the stage. He just signs for gold and silver tickets at one o'clock in the afternoon. The gold panel is uh is at 11 o'clock. It's listed on the schedule as Jensen exclusive. I'm kind of curious as because typically he doesn't like to take the stage by himself, so I'm kind of curious as if we'll see some of the countdown people joining. Um, in the past, Jensen has joined him, Rob has joined him. Misha appears to be joining for the um main panel, so we'll see. Um, and then at two o'clock they have the Jensen Misha panel. So, like I said, it looks like Jensen has an early out. Um, I mean he should be done essentially after that two o'clock panel. So by three o'clock, I don't see anything left on the schedule after him. So he's he's getting out of there pretty early this time. Um, they have announced they're doing upgrades for Vegas 2028, so they will so they're skipping a year, which appears to be kind of their new norm, is rotating every other year with cities, so they are gonna skip a year and then come back in 2028. Um just throwing out, you know, I know this it's a lot of information that I'm throwing out, and most of you that are listening to this are either A not going to Vegas or B listening to it after Vegas already, so it's a moot point. But I'm just kind of trying to give you a feel because since this is the first color of the year, this is where we're just gonna first start to see how things are going, how things are planning, what they're gonna do different. One thing I'm curious about, um, we've seen that this year they're selling ginsenops um specific for Saturday and Sunday. Gonna be curious a little bit about some feedback, how that works. Um, so just kind of going over some things so that everybody can get a feel of what's happening. And again, guys, I'm apologizing for the background. PJ just decided to jump down for a little while, go scoot around, look and see if there were any special treats for it, and then she jumped back up here and knocked the computer around a little bit as she got back under the blanket. She is very confident that in this world she is the absolute star. Jensen Accles has nothing on her as far as she's concerned. You can probably even hear her licking the bed, licking her feet as she grooms herself. So that pretty much covers it for Vegas. Um, what we did notice is that they the schedule hit the app first. There was some some concern as to whether or not they were only gonna count on the app for a schedule this year. Not gonna lie, that made me very nervous. Um, but then they did download the XL spreadsheet. I'm not sure if we've talked about this in the past or not, but always a reminder: the they do they no longer have printed schedules at the con. If you want to print a schedule, you can absolutely print a copy of the Excel spreadsheet and take it with you. But keep in mind it's gonna change. Um, they do update it as they make changes. Word to the wise is to use the Excel spreadsheet and refresh it on that page because creation can make changes directly to that page, whereas a third-party outside company makes changes to the app and it takes it a little bit longer to get those changes made. Just throwing that out there. Um, and I think that's pretty much, you know, we'll start to see um which vendors. I mean, you know, we're good. We already know we'll have some of the same vendors that are gonna be there. Um family business beer company, um Jen will be there doing the family business beer company, selling Misha's poetry book, and uh radio company. Uh Shit Anna Makes will be there. There'll be the Swain, there'll be all of Music Row, Swain Tables, Jason Manns, Brianna, um, everybody's from Swain is gonna be out there. Um, you'll also see Andrea that makes the pillows is gonna be there. She's a constant. Um, pretty sure Misty Fig. I'm pretty sure that I read that she's gonna be there. Valerie, the dispotted hound, will be there. I've already seen that she's gonna be there. There's gonna be some new vendors, but you know, it's it's one of those things. Uh oh, actually, oh, I'm drawing a complete blank. Wayward don't hate me. They're gonna hate me. And I bought so much stuff from them in Nashville. Wayward, you know, I would love to make it easy and say wayward sisters, but it's not Wayward Sisters. And it's Dawn that actually does spirit the Spirits and Supernatural. Um she does the Spirits and Supernatural podcast, and then they also she also does the um the merch table, and I bought the um well, I bought several things from them in Nashville. Even bought like some stuff for my balls, um, about her being a feral aunt. I bought um I bought the best best um cups that I um that I I bought one for me and I bought one for my friend Kathy, and I've been taking it back and forth to work, and it is a thirst trap, and it has a picture of Jensen on the side and it says sequentially. Um I feel absolutely awful. Okay, and and I know if I open up my TikTok, I'll be able to find them, but you guys will also hear my TikTok. But let me just try really quick and see if I can find them, and maybe you won't hear my. I'm gonna have I'll I'll go back and I'll put it in the um, I'll put it in the in the show notes who they are. It's a wayward something, and it's gonna drive me insane. They have a 3D printer, they make everything, it's it's fabulous, it's amazing, wonderful stuff. I love it. But remember, I tell you, my brain, migraines, I lose brain cells on a on a like a minute by minute basis. So please don't hold this against me. Love you guys, mean it. Um, one of the other things that I didn't want to go ahead and throw this podcast out there for is um we um they announced that they were gonna cancel countdown October the 19th. It's very sad for this fandom. Many of us had grown um very attached to the show, had grown very attached to Mark Mechum, um, including Jensen, and it really, I'm not gonna lie, it was one of those things where I personally did not see it coming. Um, they were consistently tracking top 10, consistently tracking top five, and um were in the top two to you know, top three for most of the run. Um, so I was a little surprised. Um, Amazon did have some changes in upward management, and as we all know, unfortunately, when those things happen, you have people that have their own particular projects that they want to push. People that for countdown, people that had countdown as a top priority were not necessarily in the spot to push it quite as much as they were originally, even though it was an amazing show, it got amazing ratings. There were some rumors that you know, maybe in the European market they weren't getting quite as much as they wanted. Um, the critics' reviews for it weren't great. Um, there were some fan reviews that weren't great. There are some fans that you know that I've talked to that didn't love the storyline, didn't love the shows. They did some different things. Um, they tried some some different ways of telling the story. I loved it. I love the character of Mark. I loved, love the way that he played, spoiler alert, but you know, at this point, whatever. Um, love the way that he played a man with a brain tumor. Um, I spoke with him a couple different times about it actually, about the fact that he didn't overact that. Um it's very common or when you when you suffer from really bad migraines, um, you have a lot of I mean, I don't want to turn this into a therapy session because we've already s you know kind of started it talking about it to start with, whenever, you know, what was me and my seasonal depression and my brain falling apart. But you have a lot of like guilt and it's it's one of those things where it's hard for real people like they can't really see that you have a migraine. Like you can tell somebody you have a migraine, and maybe they can look at you and see that your face looks a little different or your eyes look a little different. People if people know like people that know me can tell when I have a migraine, um, but it's not like it's not like if you have a rash or it's not like it it's just not like other illnesses, and so to see someone act out the the nuances of having these headaches, um, I mean he had a brain tumor and he was still fighting and crying in LA. He was still, you know, like I can barely get up and make it to work. And this man is passing out on the floor, like passing out, running down the steps, and gets back up and still keeps going. And so it was very it was just it was really amazing to watch the way that he handled the nuances, that he didn't overact it, he didn't overplay it. Um, I actually made a comment to him. One of the things that I really loved is one of the medications that I'm on, I'm sure this is TMI, but yeah, hey. Um, the brand name of it is Ray Val. And the generic name is a name that I am not familiar enough with to say off the roll of my tongue. But in the show, the part where they're in the break room, and um she offers him the headache medicine that she was able to get because she's a DAA DEA agent, and it you know, it was in trials that she was able to get that she was offering him is actually one of the migraine medications that I take. And I told him, I was like, I was so excited whenever I saw that. And he laughed, he was like, you know, that's just good writing. Because you I will say you'll see drugs and shows all the time, and I'm like, that that doesn't exist. What are they talking about? So it was refreshing to see not only a medication that actually existed, but one that is new, that is um not necessarily experimental, but it's not a common one, and to see it used correctly and to see it used in that context um really meant a lot to me individually. Um, but so we heard on October 19th that they were gonna be canceling countdown. Very sad, it was very unexpected, I think, for quite a few of us. Some people, I guess, maybe did see the writing on the wall, um, but I was completely blindsided, didn't see it coming. Um, that being said, Nashville was Halloween weekend. So about 11 to 12 days later, and um a lot of you know that when Walker was canceled when I went to Seattle that year, um, I was going to Seattle, it was in June of See June of 2024. God, I hope my years are right. June of 2024, I went to Seattle, and that was a couple of months after we had heard that Walker was gonna be canceled. And um, we did a scrapbook for Jared. Um, fans from all over the world, sent in um contributions, pictures um with him, letters, notes. Um, Keegan took a lot of pictures on the Walker set, so there was a plethora of pictures that I could use from that. So made like this really beautiful leather-bound scrapbook that said Walker Family on it, and gave it to him in Seattle, and he absolutely loved it. And I was struck a couple of days after they made the announcement about countdown that you know what, we need to do something like that for Jensen for Countdown. So keep in mind they announced on October 19th, my migraine adult brain on like the 21st, 22nd, came up with the idea, immediately started trying to spread the word. Um, have people send me the um their contributions. Keep in mind the con started on October 31st. Nashville con was, as we talked about in the last episode, a con that I did not originally plan on going to. So it was very pushed for time, worked right up until literally it got on the plane practically, went straight from the airport or straight from work to the airport. Um I worked on that scrapbook that Friday night, October 31st. I worked on that scrapbook that Friday night until like 4 30 in the morning, getting everything in there. Um, it was a very special weekend because we also at the gold panel Ashley had a great idea to hold up signs that were very similar to what they had done at one of the European cons for Jared when Walker was canceled. And they were just signs that we held up for Jensen during the gold panel. Actually, it was during the main panel. I'm sorry, because we wanted to make sure as many people could be a part of it as possible, um, but held up signs, and Jensen was very visibly touched. Jared was just an absolute doll and a sweetheart, and took a sign from somebody and made sure that he held it, and there's some great pictures and moments from that. Um, and it was just a great, great experience. Um, one of the things that I have not done that a lot of people have been asking about and pushing about, and this is one of the reasons that I really wanted to kind of throw out this podcast. Um, I did give Jensen the countdown scrapbook that Saturday night. So again, remember I worked on it until 4:30 Saturday morning. Um getting everything in there ready to go set. Um then Saturday I had pictures. Again, remember this was a con that I hadn't planned on going to, and I ended up with a lot of pictures for somebody that wasn't going to this con. Um, because of the timing, I was still kind of finishing up some things because there were some people there at the con that brought things. Um, they brought letters, um, they brought some scarves, they brought some fabric materials that they wanted included in the scrapbook that I had to add in there. I also had needed to write our final, like, like I wrote a note in there for him. Um, I also wanted to take pictures of it so that I could share it with everybody. Um, there was also, unfortunately, because the way timing went, the only time that I had to give him the scrapbook was on Saturday night. Nashville was a very busy con. Radio company was at um Steve Carlson was at Nashville. So they did a radio company panel on Saturday. Because of spacing, that radio company panel was hen was held in the main theater, which meant that after regular programming closed for the night, they always do autographs in the main theater. Well, they ended up like moving everybody out of the main theater and out into the hallways to do autographs so that they could set up the um theater for radio companies so people could start lining up for that. So the only time that I really had to give Jensen the scrapbook was on Saturday night because on Sunday I was gonna be leaving as soon as the panel was over to catch my flight, and I didn't want to, you know, take a chance of not being able to give it to Wayne then. Um it was very it was one of those things where I wanted to, it was a very busy day for him. Um he had had let's see, he did his meet and greet on Sunday, so he didn't have his meet and greet Saturday, but he had pictures, full day of pictures. He did autos, he did the radio company panel, and then he was singing at S that night. So he had a very full day, along with having, of course, flown in from filming as he usually does. So because of that, um, you know, I did not want to put too much emotionally on him. I think we always have to be very careful whenever um whenever we interact with the celebrities to make sure that we're giving to them from a space of wanting to make them happier, to make them feel loved, to make them feel appreciated, as opposed to necessarily pulling them down. Because that was one of the things that I was worried about. Like, oh, you know, this is great. You know, you're here, you're having a great time. Oh, by the way, here's a scrapbook of your show that just got canceled. I did not in any way um want to bring him down. Um, so that was something that I had to be very cognizant of. I'm actually looking really quick on my phone because I made sure that when I was on the plane on the way back that I um went through and um put in all the memories. Here we go, um, of giving him the scrapbook. So I didn't want to go first. I was robe, but I didn't want to go too early in the process. Um, I wanted to give him a little bit of time to find his groove. I didn't want to go absolutely last, um, because I still had to get Jared's autograph um because I wasn't gonna be able to get it on Sunday. And as we know, Jared can be a talker and his line can be long. And I had to get back in for the radio company panel, which I was at the very end of that line. So, you know, it was it was there was a lot. Um, but so I was just trying to to pick the right time to go. Um, so I'm just gonna read to you some of my notes here. Um, so I had a jacket. Um, I actually originally had a something else that I was gonna get signed for my autograph. And one of the things I like a lot of people wanted me to like record him whenever he I was giving him the scrapbook, or they wanted to see his reaction. I mean, honestly, the only feasible time to give him the scrapbook is at autographs, and autographs cannot be photoed or videoed in any way, um, to allow, you know, just for more honesty in the moment. So, you know, I'm I'm really sorry that essentially you guys are just gonna have to rely on my memories and my retelling of it. That being said, um, so many people work so hard on this scrapbook. I want everyone to get the feeling of being there, but I also want to respect everyone's feelings and protect everyone's like heart and emotions that they put into it. And that, I mean, like there are people that included things in that book, and like I said, I took pictures of every page of that book, and I will post these pictures, but there are things that people put in the book that I had them specifically say, nobody else is gonna see this, right? So I have to honor that. So, and then by the same token, this is something that can conceivably be very emotional for Jensen to receive, and I don't want to sell out in any way his experience and be like, Oh, well, you know, he said this and he said that, because it was a very private moment, and even though it was a moment from the fandom from all of us to him, at that moment I was representing us, and as much as I want to give everyone the feeling of being there, I also still have to respect, you know, I just want to respect everybody's experience, and that includes people that contributed, my own experience, and Jensen's experience. Um, but so my friend Dawn had made me a jacket. I don't know if I talked about this in the last podcast or not, but my friend Dawn Morris, who paints jackets, um, this is actually the second jacket she's ever made for me, but this is absolutely amazing. Um if you've talked to me for longer than a second, you know that I am a finale, like I'm a finale girl. Like the season finale, Chef's Kiss doesn't get any better than that. I've watched that thing over a thousand times. I don't care. You you think what you think, whatever, you know, you do you, but trust me, that's the best TV that's ever been on there. I've spoken extensively with both Jensen and Jared, both separately and together, um, about the finale, and um like it just like that that finale, I could do 15 podcasts on it alone, but I'm not going to. But so she made me a jacket that had the barn scene painted on the back. So of course that's what I chose to get autographed that Saturday night. Um, and again, um, I didn't really get to focus on that because I was focusing on the um on the moment that I was giving him the scrapbook. So, anyways, so he wasn't at last call. Um, pretty close actually. I say he wasn't at last call. Nina may have called last call. I wasn't the last in line. I I had no desire to necessarily be the last in line. I just wanted to be fairly close to the end so that you know I didn't necessarily feel rushed because I knew he was gonna be in a hurry. I knew he needed to get prepped for the radio panel. I knew he was gonna have to do sound check for S and S. I knew like you know, there just wasn't gonna be enough bandwidth for everything to be done. But so um I gave him my jacket first and had him sign that. Um, and he looked at it. He again, he knows I'm a huge, like I like it's very clear what a huge fan I am of that. Um, we did not really get to speak about the jacket, however, because um I wanted to kind of go right into it about the scrapbook. So I told him um that with the scrapbook, I had already unwrapped it and unlatched it. It was a leather-bound scrapbook, and it said um it had it had it on there countdown, every second counts. Um, and I had already unwrapped it and unlatched it, and again, I will post pictures of this in the Trash for J2 group, on the Anxious Broken, loving it um Facebook page, and on my personal Facebook page, but I explained to him that we as a family had kind of come together to let him know how loved and appreciated he was. And I told him, I said, you know, I know there's no extra time, I don't expect you to look through the whole thing, but here's what we have, and I opened it up for him to kind of the first page and flipped a few pages, and like as he looked at it, you could see the sense of realization on his face as he realized what it was, and as he realized that this was a scrapbook of this the show that by all accounts when you hear him talk about the relationships that he built on the show and how he felt about the show, um meant a great deal to him, and so the fact that as he's flipping through, and like I said, you know, I there's no way I was gonna like flip through every page, but like some of the pictures that I had in there were from the premiere, so there's a picture of him and Eric, and that's the thing is the look on his face when he flipped a page and saw a pic of him and Eric, and the look that crossed his face at that point. The only way I know how to describe it, and the way that I describe Jensen's expression sometimes is it was just such a soft look. And I only say that not because Jensen is hard, but there's just sometimes he softens his look, and in that moment, you know, he had a very soft look. I will say my friend Kathy was in line behind me. Um, when I post on Facebook, she has said she will kind of chime in because there's things that I didn't necessarily remember, um, didn't necessarily view, um, but how she kind of saw it, but she said that you could see as he flipped through it, once he realized what it was, like the look that crossed his face. But so he he told me in that moment that how much he appreciated it, um, how much it meant to him. It was a very vulnerable moment, to be honest. Um, at that moment when I'm I'm showing him this scrapbook, and keep in mind, like I said, they announced it on the 19th that it had been canceled. This is the 31st. So literally, we're talking about like 10 days after he's gotten this this word of this. He now has a full phone scrapbook of pictures from the show, pictures from the premiere, letters from fans talking about how much the show meant to them. Um, we had people like there was there was somebody that actually made a miniature TV guide about countdown that was in there. Um Ruth LaCoe, Ruth and some of her um, some of her group had actually made this entire graphic um design that I mean was just beautiful about save countdown. Like so many people went above and beyond. I had people that um like I said, there were some people that had um fabrics that they had countdown on it, um, people that had brochures, um, there were people that had photo ops that they sent that were like um countdown related. So much thought went into so much of that scrapbook, and you could tell when he looked at it that he felt that thought. He felt the time and the energy that we put into it, and he truly you can't convince me otherwise, um, that he felt anything other than touched in that moment that we um had that for him. And I told him completely, you know, I I understand that, you know, I know you're really busy, you've got a lot to go through. I just wanted you to know that this show meant a lot to us. There's so many people that, and this is true, there were so many people that told me I don't there's so many people that wanted to contribute that just didn't know what to say. And so many people told me, just tell him that we love him and we're thinking about him. And that's exactly what I did tell him because so many people didn't know you know how to put into words what else they wanted him to say. So I um he closed it up, he told me thank you very much. I had the plastic, I gave it to Jenny and because I wanted to make sure that he would be able to wrap it up, and it was just very a very genuine moment. He was very touched by it, and that tied in very well to Sunday during the panel whenever um we held up the countdown signs. I think you very much felt in that I think you very much felt that weekend that we appreciated all that effort he put into the show, regardless of whether you know Amazon ended up keeping it. Um like those of us that have been going to cons, like I mean, there are multiple cons that I had gone to where he was coming straight from filming countdown with no sleep. So the effort that he had put into that show was obvious to all of us. So that's why it was equally heartbreaking that it had gotten canceled. So this is just part of why I wanted to kind of give you guys an idea of how the book was received, how much it meant to him, um, how much all of you contributing to the book meant to me. It really meant a lot that I was able to send out that call to action and people were able to send things in. Great pictures, great stories, um, great lines. Even those of you that couldn't find the words, I feel like whenever I told him, you know, that it was from all of us in the fandom, I he felt that. Um I have been going to Cons for several years now, and I've had a lot of interactions with Jensen, a lot of very genuine interactions with Jensen because he's a very genuine and kind, wonderful man. And his appreciation and um I guess maybe his I don't want to say all because that almost makes it sound like, you know, I like I I don't want to like tootar horn too much, but I just feel like he was very touched by the gift. And um I want to make sure that everyone that contributed, that everyone that was thinking of contributing, that everyone sent their love and thoughts to him, that you had some idea of that. Like I said, I've got pictures of all the pages. I won't necessarily post the pictures of all the pages because of some of the things that are on the pages to respect some people's privacy. Um, but I will post that and also post another recap to kind of throw out there for everybody um about that. And I think it was very evident the rest of the weekend and the rest of my interactions with him that that scrapbook stuck with him. Um he very much appreciated it. And I think Kathy will be willing to chime in once I post on Facebook kind of, you know maybe some things that she saw that I didn't necessarily see because I was just trying to hurry and I didn't want to get rushed along and thank goodness. You know, that it was a situation where I didn't feel like we were being rushed for time. And you know, they did allow us to, you know, I'm always a huge fan of creation and their handlers and how they handle things, and I'm not one that usually complains anyway about feeling like I'm rushed along, and I definitely in that moment did not feel like I was rushed along and felt like Jenny was very respectful and and very amazing and how she allowed um me to give him that gift from the fandom. So all of that being said, um I have no idea how long at this point this um podcast has been. This was supposed to be my very short one. Um but again, I just want to remind you guys that you know I'm trying. I know it's been a while since I have posted um a new podcast, not since the very beginning of November. Um I know that sometimes in Trash for J2, I'm not necessarily in there as much as I would like to be. I do try and keep the riff raff down, you know, to a dull roar. Um, some of those people really don't like me because I'll come in and delete like 50 posts because I'm like, what is happening? Who let all these six-year-olds while? Um, you know, it's it's rough, guys. Like I'm I'm trying. Um so much is going on right now. Um, but and then with me not making it to Vegas and there being no possible way for me to make it to Norfolk, sadly. Um, I am looking at Jib being my next convention, which is an amazing convention. It's 99 days away, so we've hit double digits. Um, so I'm excited about that. But 99 days feels like a really long time away, and I'm just trying to keep my head above water and keep in mind that there are so many of you that are sending all those good thoughts my way. I really appreciate it when I post when I post on Facebook or when I comment in the podcast, when I say anything about migraines, I don't do it for pity. I don't do it to make you feel bad for me. I don't I don't do it to get attention. Um, it's honestly just me being honest, letting you know. I know several of you also have chronic illnesses. Um, some of you don't, some of you don't know what it's like to deal with this. So it's it's honestly just my way of telling you know, sometimes I just don't have the spoons. Um and as much as I wish I could always, always give 250% to this podcast, to this fandom, to the J2 Trash group. I mean, these boys have given, these boys in this fandom have given so much to me. They're the reason that I'm still here. Um, and they will continue to be the reason that I'm still here. So even when, you know, I absolutely do not see the light at the end of the tunnel whenever all I can think about is how bad my head hurts. Still, I'm just gonna remember, you know, that um that I might be at the end of the rope, but I am still holding on and hanging there kidding. And just, you know, being at the end of the rope is not just it's it's not when you're at the end of the rope or when you're where I am right now, it doesn't mean that I'm gonna throw myself in front of a truck at any moment. It just means I'm just so tired in my bones, not just my body. Um, I may randomly just start crying. I might just stare off into space, I might feel like I'm doing everything right. I'm taking all of my meds, I'm doing everything that I'm supposed to be doing, except I'm still feel like I'm falling apart. There's invisible exhaustion. Um, a lot of people might not notice that invisible exhaustion, and I want for those of you others that are suffering from that, I want you to know that I see you because a lot of times we don't feel seen. Because what happens is we just keep going, we show up anyway, we smile through it, we do whatever it is that we've got to do to make it happen. Like I said earlier, fake it till you till you make it, and it might cost you everything, it might cost you everything to get up, to get out, and to get it done. And a lot of people don't notice that because, like I said, not everybody has these chronic illnesses. Um, there's a lot of guilt that goes along with being tired, and this is one that hits super hard for me, and I think it hits super hard for a lot of other people. You feel like you shouldn't be this exhausted, you don't deserve to be this exhausted. There are others that have it worse. Um, one thing that I have not mentioned, um, but that that there will be a podcast uh coming up in the future is for those of you that are not aware, um a member of our fandom, Carol, passed away very unexpectedly last month. And um Carol also suffered with migraines. She and I would often talk about our migraine treatments and um some of the things that we had tried and what worked for us and what didn't. She was a fan fiction writer. She was one of the first people. Um, she was one of the first people that in person at a con went out of their way to introduce themselves to me to make me feel um seen, important, and noticed. And so it's it's hard. I feel guilty for being tired when Carol was taken from us and it could be so much worse. And um I kind of beat myself up because it's like you know, you're still here. So um, but what I want those of you to know is that I do see you out there, I do see those of you that are tired, I do see whether it's tired physically, emotionally, mentally, like I said, no matter what side of the spectrum you fall on right now, things in the world are they're scary. And so that's exhausting. Um, so it can get frustrating to hear somebody say, oh, you know, you just need to be positive. Oh, have you tried sleeping more, or you know, just keep on pushing when you're already at empty. And so I want to say that I see you, and that if there's ever anything I can do to help any of you in your moments, in your times of need, I may not answer right away. And if I don't, I'm sorry. But please feel free to send me a message anytime. Um, and I will get back to you as soon as I am physically spoonfully able. Um, because I'm not always, always gonna be in the depths of despair, my seasonal depression. Um, but I just want to say, if you're listening to this and you're worn out too, hang in there, kitten. You're not weak, you're tired. There's a difference. You are not weak. You're tired. You are not weak. And that being said, I don't have any of the answers tonight. I'm still here. That's enough for now. Send me messages, send me emails, anxious broke lovingit at gmail.com. Follow us on TikTok, follow us on our Facebook page, whatever you wherever you guys want to find us, wherever you want to find me. Um, I run the Trash for J2 group on Facebook. Follow us on TikTok. I think I already said that. Um my mind's kind of starting to spin in circles now because I've gone through my very loose show notes. Thank you all for um accepting this podcast tonight exactly as it is. Kind of a cardboard box wrapped together with some duct tape and me holding the microphone because the stand is semi-broken because of where I had moved it around and not adjusted something. Thank you for accepting PJ. For those of you that have heard her snoring in the background, she is a superstar, my sweet little baby. For those of you that heard her whine, I do apologize. She does accept chick chicks as treats from anyone that would like to send them to her. But um, hopefully, now that we're into 2026, the con season is back in swing. I'm gonna try and you know, get us out there, get us some more tips. Let me know what you want to hear. Let me know. Um, like I said, I definitely want to do maybe a podcast about Carol. I want to talk some about some of the things that we're gonna see as changes in the 2026 tour. Gib's coming up in 99 days, so I'm gonna be talking about Jib, not just creation tours, but I do want to talk about Jib coming up. But anything that you want to hear, just reach out, email me, private message me, post it on Facebook, send me smoke signals, whatever works best. But just remember, like I said, um hang in there, kitten, and we're all gonna make it through this. Okay, you're not weak, you're tired. There's a difference. Love you guys. Thanks, everybody, and have a great night. And those of you that are in Vegas, I love you. Have so much fun and gift and some extra hugs for me.