The Invisible Load of Mid-Life

Somewhere between building a career, raising children, supporting aging parents, and becoming the new leader of one’s family, life gets complicated. In this episode of Couchside Conversations, Wealth Advisors Stacey McKinnon and Chris Galeski unpack the realities of midlife: a chapter in which responsibilities stack up and time becomes more limited than ever. Through personal stories and honest reflections, they explore how priorities shift from achievement to relationships, why energy matters just as much as time, and how small mindset shifts can make a meaningful difference.

Tune in if you're interested in…

* Navigating the “sandwich generation” while balancing kids, parents, and career
* Why time, not money, becomes your most valuable resource
* How to manage the mental load and avoid burnout
* The power of “pre-deciding” your calendar and priorities
* Why investing in yourself is essential to showing up for others

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:14

Welcome to another episode of Catch Eye Conversations. I'm very excited because today we've recruited Chris Gilleski, host of the financial commute, to switch teams for a moment to come and talk about a non-financial topic, the messy middle, which basically is a reference to the fact that we're getting older and life is getting harder. I think that's how that's defined. I turned 40 this year, Chris is in his mid-40s, and what we've realized is that as life continues to evolve, we just keep adding more and more and more to our lives, and we tend to not take away much. And so we're going to talk today of like how how are we dealing with this?

SPEAKER_01 0:50

Yeah, I think some people call it like the sandwich generation, which I'd never heard about before, but it makes so much sense. And it's more than just peanut butter and jelly in the middle. There's a whole lot of stuff that's sandwiched in between two pieces of bread.

SPEAKER_02 1:03

I'm so curious from your perspective, like, when did you know that you were in the sandwich generation or the messy middle, however you want to call it?

SPEAKER_01 1:10

You know, I don't think most people can pinpoint it to the day. I actually can. So I'm 46, and this is gonna be like a therapy conversation. Um, about eight years ago, my grandmother was in her mid-80s and she was running out of money, and we're like, we need to keep grandma in her home. So my wife and I stepped in. We weren't planning on having kids. We stepped in, we bought her condo, we made sure that she had a place to live. And then you fast forward to 4th of July 2019. We were visiting some friends in Colorado. We've got about six couples out there that we're friends with. All the guys went and played golf that morning. We said we'd be home at a certain time. We were late, and it was not good. So we're rushing back because we thought the girls were gonna be upset that we were running late. So I come inside the house. I'm ripping off my shirt to go take a quick shower. And Brianna comes in the bathroom and says, Um, I've got some news for you. Uh, we're pregnant.

unknown 2:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:04

And I was like, my whole world just got flipped upside down because we weren't planning on having kids. We had five nieces and nephews. We were five.

SPEAKER_02 2:10

Yeah, you were always gonna be just like uncle and aunt of the year.

SPEAKER_01 2:13

Yeah, exactly. I mean, we did a lot of cool things with our nieces and nephews. But you know, that day my our our lives got flipped upside down, and it wasn't that day that it all all of a sudden became the Sandwich generation, but you fast forward the next few years. You know, we we raised our our oldest daughter, we lost a pregnancy in between, then we had our second child, then my mom started going through cancer. Um, you know, that was a three-year battle that was just kind of brutal. And I think I pulled a muscle just trying to get out of the shower and dry off my back one day, and I'm like, man, I'm 46. Like this, this is I'm not I'm no longer invincible. Yeah, like it just it all of a sudden just hit you in the face.

SPEAKER_02 2:51

It's so hard to get older because you feel like you can still do all the things that you could do when you're younger. And then in addition to that, you waited a little bit later in life to have kids, and so now you're a little older and you're like, I'm not 25 picking around these picking up these two girls anymore.

SPEAKER_01 3:05

Like mentally you feel 25, but physically you're not. And and what's interesting, I think, about it from our perspective is when my when my parents were 46, I was like 23. And so we're we're in a much different stage in life than my parents were when they were raising us. And you know, I don't think anybody had the ability to kind of warn us about what was going to happen when you're in your 40s and you're no longer going to like weddings and and baby showers. You're you're unfortunately dealing with like the issues that happen when you get older in life. You may be having some, you know, physical issues yourself or dealing with other family members. It's um it's a very interesting time.

SPEAKER_02 3:44

And then you compounded that with toddlers, so that you're just you're you're in the thick of it. I can feel it.

SPEAKER_01 3:50

Lots of big emotions going on, but you know, it's fun. Um you're not in too different of a situation. I mean, what surprises you most about life today that nobody warned you about?

SPEAKER_02 3:59

It was funny because I was reflecting on like us having this conversation today and thinking about my early 20s and where was I and like mentally, emotionally, all of that. And my husband and I got married when I was 25, and then at 27, I started working at Morton. And I remember that phase of life being so career-driven. I was just excited to work, but I also needed it for survival, right? It was like a needs-based decision, and everybody in my life knew I had to work, and that was what we were growing in, and that's our career. And then slowly through my early 30s and even my late 30s to me turning 40 later this year, like things just kept getting added to the plate. More and more relationships, more and more people in my life. And I think it kind of snuck up on me, and the times were actually very simple when it was I'm building my career. Now I'm faced with a lot of other complexities. So we have 60 people at Moore Inn that we have to maintain relationships with, I have about 40 clients that I work with. I speak at conferences and events, and people always ask me to come and be a mentor for women in the financial services industry. I have my dozens of friends that I want to engage with. I have my parents, I have my husband's parents, we have both of our siblings. You add all of those relationships up. And I think the thing that surprised me the most was that at this point in my life, I wouldn't be focused on growing a career. I'd be focused on like growing relationships and maintaining relationships. And I think that's the thing that I would say maybe has even been kind of the hardest part is that there's only so much time that we have. We can't invent time, it's not like a resource in that way. And so at this phase, the messy middle to me actually feels a little bit more like where do I invest my time in relationships and how do I maintain all of these?

SPEAKER_01 5:41

And I think that's something that you do really, really well and you're very conscious about it. I mean, when you when you show up at the office, there are people that need your time, either inside this organization, outside this organization, other companies looking for your thoughts and your advice. And so you structure your days in a way to where when you're here, you're able to be there for everybody else, and then when you're not here, you're working on the things that you actually need to, and it's impressive because it's you can't create more time.

SPEAKER_02 6:09

Well, I appreciate that. I don't always feel like I do a good job at it, but I am very conscious of like how do I who are the relationships in my life and how do I invest into those relationships? How do you deal with that mental load? Kids, parents, family, all of it.

SPEAKER_01 6:23

Oh man, I I wish I was great at it. It's something that I'm continuing to learn and evolve, uh involve in. Um, you know, my life wasn't too different than yours. I mean, in my late 20s, early 30s, it was just all about building a career, and I only had to worry about myself and my wife. Um, now I'm worried about you know, grandma clicking on links that she shouldn't, having to change her usernames and passwords. Um, and then you you look at the relationships that you have in life, and all of a sudden they're a little bit different because so many people need something from you. And I wish that I sort of leaned into therapy and having somebody to talk to just that was independent earlier. Um, and I I don't think anybody really talks to you about the importance of that. Um, we have our friends, we have our family, we have our relationships, and it's very natural for us to rely on them. But you get to a stage in life where everybody has something that they're dealing with and going on, and having a therapist or somebody that can be that independent person to just listen, help you work through problems and emotions. I've got two little girls. We just got back from Hawaii, lots of big emotions. Um, and so you you really have to be conscious about that. And having a therapist, I think, I think helps.

SPEAKER_02 7:36

I I'm so glad that you touched on this because something that has evolved over time is just positive energy around having a therapist. Like I think if you were to rewind to when we were growing up 20 or 30 years ago, like people never talked about having a therapist or didn't want to have a therapist. And I think something that's changed, especially in I would say the last five years, is everybody kind of wants that coach. They want that third party to come in. And I find sometimes even with my husband and I, like we suffer from groupthink, like whatever we feel is the thing that we feel, and we have big feelings around that. You have a third party come in and they're like, uh, you're exaggerating that or rethink that, or you didn't hear their angle on this. And I think just a coach, somebody that can help you to see the things you can't see in yourself, it's so healthy to probably back to the relationships thing I'm struggling through, is like to maintain all those relationships. I think you sometimes need somebody to like coach you through that.

SPEAKER_01 8:27

Yeah, without a doubt. Um, you know, I was lucky at a very early age. I had a sports psychologist help me when I was in my golf career, and so I at least knew the benefits of being able to talk through your goals and your challenges and that whole mental, you know, positive energy. Yeah. Um, you talk a little bit about you know that boomerang effect, you know, the the emotions that you throw out there, what comes um back in this world. Like, how do you best deal with it?

SPEAKER_02 8:51

Well, I think I do it through that. Like I there's something that happens, I think, in life where you get to the point where you realize how your feelings affect other people. You talked about your toddlers. When they have big feelings, your reaction to that oftentimes is a reflection of their feelings. When I think about all of the people in my life and where I need to spend my time, I often think about how how I show up and the energy I bring is going to directly mean that their energy is going to be impacted by it. So there's even a day this last week where I just was like in a bad mood and I just told everybody I was in a bad mood so that they knew it wasn't about them. But then also they knew like I was actually depleted and I couldn't actually bring that best energy into the workplace that I normally try to do. Mostly it was because I flew to Washington, DC on Tuesday and back on Wednesday, and it was like way too much to do that turnaround that short of time. So I was just tired. But I I oftentimes realized that in marriage, in life, whatever I bring to the table is what I'm gonna get back. And so understanding that and having a mindset around like, what do I actually want out of this day? What do I want out of my relationship? If I go home and I'm cranky with my husband, he's gonna be cranky back with me. And I don't nobody really wants crankiness. And so I think I'm just acutely aware of like how my emotions affect other people, and I think that actually helps with the mental loan of it all. And then I would say on a personal note, I'm very thoughtful to understanding how I have big feelings, like what are my big feelings and how do I manage those? So, as an example, I have booked a weekend in Tahoe every month for the rest of the year, a long weekend, because I know that I need that, I need that escape, I need that moment, I need that peace and serenity to bring my best self back to work. And so if 85% of myself is having energy and investing into relationships and investing in people, but 15% of my time is dedicated to like the rest and reset, I can show up as my best person, but I had to like work through that to figure out that's what I really needed, and then basically make it a non-negotiable in my life.

SPEAKER_01 10:58

Yeah, setting those not boundaries per se, but like knowing what you need personally to be able to show up as your best self. Like a couple weeks ago, I had to go to the grocery store and pick something up, and I was stressed, long day. Had to get home, make the make dinner, deal with kids and all that stuff. And I I don't know if I was in a good mood or a bad mood. I wasn't in a great mood. And I'm walking out of the store and I'm trying to hurry up to get home, and this woman, as I'm walking by, she just gives me the biggest smile. And I couldn't help but smile back, and she goes, I got you. And that boomerang effect, I love the fact that you brought that up because how you show up and what you kind of throw out there in the world, it's going to come back to you. And I love the fact that you brought that up.

SPEAKER_02 11:38

It's a it's not a wild, wildly known concept, and I feel like more people should know it because I think it would actually like create a better life. Because if you're boomeranging positive energy, you're gonna get that positive energy back, right?

SPEAKER_00 11:49

I agree.

SPEAKER_02 11:49

Tell me a little bit about how you're balancing the um upper half of the sandwich generation, which is parents. You mentioned your grandmother who you helped take care for her. Like this has been a big part of your life to not only raise young kids, grow your own career at Morton, you oversee a big team here as well, all of our advisors, and then now also your parents. So share with me what that's been like.

SPEAKER_01 12:13

You know, it's an evolution. I I think that one thing that doesn't get talked about is like as you age in life, you all of a sudden like mature and grow up, and you get to a point where you're used to relying on certain relationships or certain things, but then you're like 46 and they're relying on you to show up differently, and you you have to deal with that like mental shift of like wow, I can't rely on my parents the same way that I used to. Um, I actually need to show up differently for them, um, all while managing a team, growing a career, dealing with two amazing big emotion little girls at home. And so finding personal time and and focusing on on what you need, I think is important. I used to be able to get those breaks from driving in a car and just having a little bit of a break. My commute's five minutes long now, so I don't have that. Blessing and a curse. Yeah. And you know, as much as I love golf, and golf's a huge part of my life, it's it's not convenient to take four or five, six hours to myself to be away from my family and everybody else that needs me. So I've I've had to find little ways that I can do it. Maybe it's at the end of the day sit here for an extra 15 to 20 minutes and then get in the car and go home. Um, but sort of pre-deciding like what is it that I need, and then sharing with others that that are that you're close with, like, hey, you know what, like I really need this, and then I'll I'll be there in an hour. I think that's important.

SPEAKER_02 13:40

I think it's so important in that way too, and and that our relationships change over time, right? Like sometimes you have to put a lot of energy into certain aspects of your life, and sometimes you don't, and we kind of just accept it and we do it. But I think if you have to pivot in that way, you also have to like make sure you get what you need eventually, right? You just can't give to everyone else forever and then not give to yourself.

SPEAKER_01 14:01

Well, that's that's what ends up hurting me. Like my love language is words of affirmation. So I love doing things for people because then they're like, oh Chris, thank you so much. And then I get I get energy. I also get energy from being around people, but like that's just not healthy. And so setting boundaries is something that I'm trying to get better at. Like, how do you how do you deal with setting boundaries?

SPEAKER_02 14:20

This is a funny conversation because I like actually feel like I have the ick at the word boundary. I just don't know why. I just don't love it. I feel like it's this word that somehow has like a negative connotation and has also been like weaponized a little bit. But I love the concept of boundaries. I just want to like the words.

SPEAKER_01 14:36

It feels like you're building a wall.

SPEAKER_02 14:37

Yeah, I'll give you an example. Like if I have a client who wants to meet with me at 4 p.m., I'm not gonna say to them, well, I have a boundary to be done at 4 30. That's like that's silly. You can't say that to people. Instead, you could say, I have an appointment at 4 30, or I have to go pick up my kids, or I have something that I have to do at 4 30 and explain. Like sometimes we use the word boundary when we should just explain the why. Just tell people why and then communicate to them and and they'll be better. So that's my monologue on boundaries. But I think the concept still stands, right? So when you think about what you need in life, whether that's your extra 15 minutes before you commute home or something else that feels like a need of yours, like somehow making sure that you've pre-decided, you use that word earlier, that you're gonna be doing those things. So for a lot of my friends, I already have weekends planned through the summer where I'm spending that time with them because I want to have that thing to look forward to. Or when I go to Tahoe and I see my parents there because they live in Tahoe, they then know when am I coming back to Tahoe and when is the next time we're gonna spend time together. Like I think knowing those things in advance helps you to prioritize your life, but then it also helps to like get out of sticky situations because I think where we end up in sticky situations is when we just run into life and then we just pivot, pivot, pivot, and we don't talk to the people in our life about what we're doing and why we're doing it. We just end up in a situation where we disappoint a lot of people. And so I find that like I have boundaries, but they're like all they're mine that I know about, and then I micromanage my calendar to make sure that I'm attending and present to like all the people in my life for their sake, but then also for my sake, because I love these relationships and I want to spend that time. Um, but it takes a lot of work to do it, which is why this concept of pre-deciding, I think, is something you and I talk about a lot, resonates with that.

SPEAKER_01 16:25

Pre-deciding is it's it's actually a very magical thing because if you pre-if let's say you're up in Tahoe with your family and you're having a great time, and you don't tell them that you're gonna be back in a month or two months, and it's just sort of left out in the open, your relationship with them and like when are they gonna see you next? When are you gonna do that? You had such a great time. If you don't pre-decide, your relationship dynamic shift. But if you if you pre-decide saying, hey, in a month, I'm gonna come back and we're gonna do XYZ, you all of a sudden have something to look forward to. You know, Brianna, my wife's family, did this around Thanksgiving many years ago. We've been together 21 years now, and her family pre-decided so long ago that their Thanksgiving is on Saturday, it's not gonna be on Thursday like everybody else's, so that we you don't have to worry about going to this family thing, that family thing, and just the stress around it. Nope. Thanksgiving's on Saturday. We get two Thanksgivings. It's fabulous, it's a lot less stressful, and um, predeciding can be a great life hack.

SPEAKER_02 17:23

That's genius. I feel like I'm gonna steal that. I mean, why not? And now we don't have conflict between like, oh, you did this family this year and that family this. Yeah, you've eliminated the conflict, made it a lot easier.

SPEAKER_01 17:33

But because you pre-decided, and and it it's not something that you did yourself, you actually communicated that with your family and your friends and the people around you. It it makes things so much better. It's sort of like sharing the watch.

SPEAKER_02 17:44

Yeah, totally.

SPEAKER_01 17:46

Um, this has been a really fun conversation. Do you want to move into a little game we like to play called This or That?

SPEAKER_02 17:52

Yeah, it's my favorite game. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 17:57

All right, Stacey. This is one of the coolest things that you do on couchside conversations. You play a little game called This or That, and I don't get an opportunity to do it very often, so I'm excited.

SPEAKER_02 18:06

It's my favorite, so I'm excited too.

SPEAKER_01 18:08

Would you rather make more money and work longer hours or have more time and make less money?

SPEAKER_02 18:15

Probably more time. I think that that's something that people don't always think about. Like, and it's also probably uh something that happens in the messy middle. If you asked me at 25, I might change my answer, but at almost 40, I think I value my time more.

SPEAKER_01 18:30

Yeah, I I like that. I think there you work out of necessity, and then all of a sudden you get to a place where you're like, wow, the one thing that I really have in life is limited, and that's time. Yeah. And so I'd rather have more time to create experiences than miss out. Yeah, totally.

SPEAKER_02 18:44

You have to value it that a little bit differently. Okay, question for you. Would you rather spend your day helping a friend move or be the solo parent with two kids?

SPEAKER_01 18:55

How far am I moving? Like do I have help carrying couches?

SPEAKER_02 18:58

No, you're carrying couches.

SPEAKER_01 19:00

I'll probably spend time with the kids. As as stressful, as stressful as it can be, solo parenting, um, sometimes you create like amazing experiences and you know, you can like be the grandparent for the day and give them ice cream at noon and like have some fun. Um to me, if you fast forward 20 years, the only people that are gonna know that I wasn't there are the kids. And so I would I would choose the kids even though it's a lot more stressful than maybe carrying a couch. Plus I'm 46 and I I don't know if my my back's gonna be a little bit more.

SPEAKER_02 19:31

I think you made the right answer in my decision there.

SPEAKER_01 19:34

All right, now I have one for you. Stable, more predictable career, or more flexible time but less certainty?

SPEAKER_02 19:42

I think I would take more flexible time but less certainty, and then I would micromanage my calendar to create certainty. Did I cheat? I feel I think I just cheated on the question.

SPEAKER_01 19:53

I just know that you can do that.

SPEAKER_02 19:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:55

Um I don't I don't dislike the the flexible time and the the uncertainty because you and I aren't afraid of growth.

SPEAKER_00 20:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:03

And so, like stable, there's something about the word kind of like your whole thing with boundaries. Yeah. When I see stable, predictable, I'm like, well, then I'm not growing, and then I'm gonna be bored.

SPEAKER_02 20:11

The word stable gives you the ick.

SPEAKER_01 20:13

I feel like that does that to you. You're like, no, I I want to grow, but I I want to control my time.

SPEAKER_02 20:18

Exactly. So last question for you would you rather be the person that your family always calls, or would you rather deal with the fact that they may be disappointed that you didn't show up for them in a way they wanted?

SPEAKER_01 20:30

That's a very hard question to to answer. I think for the majority of my life, it's like I'm I'm the person people call. And I've had to learn to grow in order to be able to have a healthier relationship with my wife to let people be disappointed from time to time. I think it's extremely important that you can show up to your best self when you can, but you have other things going on in life and you need to sometimes set boundaries and and and share the why and just deal with the fact that you can't make everybody happy all the time. My my grandmother had has this really cool magnet on the fridge. It says, I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day, and tomorrow does not look good either. And I feel like I need to really embrace that.

SPEAKER_02 21:16

And she has strict boundaries.

SPEAKER_01 21:18

Yeah, well, at 92, you can just sort of be like this is who I am. Deal with it.

SPEAKER_02 21:24

Oh, that's so awesome. Thank you so much for this conversation, and thank you for joining us with for another episode of Couch Hide Conversations, and we'll see you next time.

SPEAKER_01 21:32

Wow.