Doing karate in the afterlife (Dave Theune, Raphael Chestang)

On this week's episode, Rekha and Waleed sit down with famed inventor Alexander Graham Bell, as well as potentially the only extraterrestrial in the afterlife, Cleatus. Please put all 5 star reviews in the star meter thing.

Hosts:
Rekha Shankar
Waleed Mansour

Guests:
Dave Theune as Alexander Graham Bell
Raphael Chestang as Cleatus the Alien

Edited by Waleed Mansour

Full episodes available to watch on Youtube 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to another day of viewing on public access television. We hope you enjoy today's programming.

SPEAKER_05 0:07

I'm Raya Shunker.

SPEAKER_00 0:08

And I'm Wave Mansur. And We're Dead.

SPEAKER_05 0:14

Hello, everyone, and welcome to We're Dead, the only podcast in the afterlife that does any traction.

SPEAKER_00 0:22

That's right. Yeah, we died about a year ago now at this point, and we get a chance to sit down with a bunch of dead people and chat with them and see what they've been up to, how they died, uh, and maybe let them say their piece.

SPEAKER_05 0:33

Exactly. Speaking of peace, Willied, how are you doing? I know last time we talked, you were uh you were combining to be a kicker.

SPEAKER_00 0:42

Yeah. Um, it's it went well. I think I was I feel I felt like I kicked great. Yeah. Uh, but then the interview portion happened and I think there's an interview portion? Yeah, because I gotta make sure you're sound of character in mind.

SPEAKER_05 0:54

They make sure football players are sound of character in mind.

SPEAKER_00 0:58

That surprises you.

SPEAKER_05 0:59

Yes, they seem not sound of character and they all have STDs.

SPEAKER_00 1:05

And they all have STDs.

SPEAKER_05 1:06

You can be sound of character with an STD completely, and you can be sound of mind. I'm at C T.

SPEAKER_00 1:12

Okay. Yeah, so they do they do it because they want to make sure that, you know, if they're with if they pick somebody, yeah, that that person sticks around for a while. Okay. Uh and will make a good impact and won't have off-the-field issues.

SPEAKER_04 1:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:28

I just did I feel like I botched it.

SPEAKER_05 1:30

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:31

I feel like I botched it. I run an interview show, but the idea of getting interviewed, I think, threw me for a loop. Yeah, it's because I'm just asking questions.

SPEAKER_05 1:36

Like today, we're interviewing like a famous inventor and kind of something paranormal, which I'm excited about. So you have tons of experience in this world.

SPEAKER_00 1:45

I know, I know, but I'm always on the other side of it. I'm always the one asking questions. Yeah. I feel like I was like floundering, trying to think of like what was the nicest thing you did on earth? Like the nicest thing I did on earth.

SPEAKER_05 1:55

Yeah. Okay, wait. Do you want to like practice? Because you get do you get a second chance or no?

SPEAKER_00 1:59

I don't think I do, but maybe, but I could go again next year. I could go again next year. So yes.

SPEAKER_05 2:05

They make you wait a year to kick it.

SPEAKER_00 2:06

Let's let me do, let me do some, give me some questions. Okay. Here we go.

SPEAKER_05 2:10

Uh, what would you say is your biggest strength kicking wise?

SPEAKER_00 2:14

Foot.

SPEAKER_05 2:14

Foot.

SPEAKER_00 2:15

Foot.

SPEAKER_05 2:16

That feels right to me. I know, right? Okay. What is your what is your biggest weakness kicking wise?

SPEAKER_00 2:21

The other foot. Like I'm only good with one of them.

SPEAKER_05 2:24

But that seems normal.

SPEAKER_00 2:25

I see you? Okay, so I'm doing good. Yeah. But maybe you're also not intimidating, so it could be that's part of it.

SPEAKER_05 2:34

Okay. You think you're intimidating? I don't know why I'm catching strays during an interview. This might be why you're not getting the job.

SPEAKER_00 2:40

I was, I was, I'm telling you, I was antagonistic the whole time.

SPEAKER_05 2:44

Okay, and I'm feeling that. Okay. Yeah, you don't you didn't book.

SPEAKER_00 2:47

Man, I'm now wondering. And I don't mean to like put the blame on you at all, but like how much our relationship has caused me to be like become more antagonistic.

SPEAKER_06 2:57

Excuse me?

SPEAKER_00 2:59

I'm wonder okay. I'm wondering how much our relationship has Yeah, I heard you. Oh, sorry.

SPEAKER_05 3:05

I am literally so much nicer than I need to be to you. I I have told you time and time again, you don't even understand how generous I am being with not popping off at you all the time.

SPEAKER_00 3:18

Thank you. I uh once again, thank you for not popping off at me constantly. How are you?

SPEAKER_05 3:25

I'm fine, I guess. Uh wow. Um, I think I told you I was interested in taking singing lessons.

SPEAKER_01 3:32

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 3:33

But I didn't want to get big timed by Aretha Franklin in my class.

SPEAKER_01 3:36

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:36

Um, so I'm looking for kind of more of the um the like 27 club guys that died when they were 27, like your Kurt Cobain's and your um sorry, I was thinking 700 club, which is like whatever, yeah, super Christian.

SPEAKER_05 3:53

No, I'm not looking for those guys. I actually profoundly trying to avoid those guys.

SPEAKER_00 3:58

I would be surprised if they're here for being honest.

SPEAKER_05 4:01

And me too. I haven't seen them.

SPEAKER_00 4:03

Okay, 27. So Jimi Hendrix, yeah, Amy Winehouse.

SPEAKER_05 4:06

Yep. I'm trying to get singing lessons from them because maybe River Phoenix.

SPEAKER_00 4:10

No, he died younger.

SPEAKER_05 4:11

And was he a singer?

SPEAKER_00 4:12

You know, with River Phoenix, he could do everything. He could do everything. Sure.

SPEAKER_05 4:16

Sure. Yeah. Um, so yeah, I I I I contacted Amy, hadn't gotten haven't gotten a total response because you have to, you know, you're you're in a way, I'm auditioning when I'm doing a voicemail because if they don't like my voice, maybe they don't want to teach me singing.

SPEAKER_00 4:30

They'll hear the voicemail and they'll go, this person stands on chance.

SPEAKER_05 4:32

Right. So I'm trying to be like, hi, it's Rick. You know, like give a lesson.

SPEAKER_00 4:37

And that is your singing voice. Now, last on the last episode, I believe I sang a number of times, and I don't think you have the opportunity to bust one out. Is do you want to potentially bust one out right now?

SPEAKER_05 4:48

Um, I feel like I don't.

unknown 4:52

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 4:53

Okay. I will say I was at one point, I was roasted in the comments. Uh, because apparently, apparently, uh this show is not just on our public access in the afterlife. Apparently, people are putting it on the internet.

SPEAKER_05 5:04

We didn't know that. I guess thank you.

SPEAKER_00 5:07

Thank you to whoever's doing that. Hopefully the money or the compensation, whatever comes our way. But people have been leaving like a bunch of comments. So I I took some of the I got I grabbed some of the comments and I thought it'd be fun for us to look at that.

SPEAKER_05 5:18

I would love to.

SPEAKER_00 5:19

Yeah, do you want to just maybe we can like look at one of them and you want to pick one at random? Yeah. Alright.

SPEAKER_05 5:25

I can need to pick that one.

unknown 5:26

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 5:27

What's this one?

SPEAKER_05 5:28

Yeah, this show is not good. One star. So okay.

SPEAKER_00 5:39

Why did I write that one? You know, what's I should have noted that.

SPEAKER_05 5:42

It's interesting. I'm using context clues here, and I think I get the gist. But I have to say, sometimes a star system is not what you think it is. Yeah, because like sometimes like a uh like one star.

SPEAKER_00 5:55

I mean, one star is immensely powerful.

SPEAKER_05 5:57

Right. Like the sun. In the mmm.

SPEAKER_00 6:00

Yeah, or Beetlejuice, you know?

SPEAKER_05 6:02

Right. So that's good. In the Michelin world, having one star is unbelievable.

SPEAKER_00 6:07

Incredible.

SPEAKER_05 6:08

It's it's not one star.

SPEAKER_00 6:09

Maybe it's one Michelin star. The thing that makes it the thing that gives me pause is it does say is not good. And that's kind of hard to interpret differently.

SPEAKER_05 6:17

Yeah, this show.

SPEAKER_00 6:19

Yeah, this show is yeah.

SPEAKER_05 6:21

This show. This show is not. What if there's missing punctuation?

SPEAKER_00 6:23

Oh, yeah. This show is not, period. Good.

SPEAKER_05 6:26

Good one star.

SPEAKER_00 6:28

Good one star.

SPEAKER_05 6:29

Yeah, this show is not still feels bad.

SPEAKER_00 6:31

But what's nice is when you leave a star rating in the comments, it actually doesn't affect our star rating.

SPEAKER_05 6:38

By just typing one star, it doesn't and actually I would encourage anyone who wants to rank us rank us one star to just write it. Um, because it's not registering.

SPEAKER_00 6:47

Yeah, if you're if you're ranking us five stars, do that in the star meter thing.

SPEAKER_05 6:51

Yeah, yeah. Um, awesome. Well, this was a really good segment idea.

SPEAKER_00 6:55

Maybe, maybe, maybe the next one will be better.

SPEAKER_05 6:58

Yeah, I hope. Um, well, I'm kind of excited to talk to our first guest. I don't know how you feel.

SPEAKER_00 7:05

I'm very excited. Uh, you know, I I was able to look a little bit of the history of this person, and um, obviously they're a famous inventor. I assume everybody knows their name.

SPEAKER_05 7:13

Please welcome Alexander Graham Bell.

SPEAKER_03 7:16

Hey. Hello there to my friends. Hi there. You doing all right? Yes. I'm doing all right.

SPEAKER_05 7:24

You're finding your touchstone phrase.

SPEAKER_03 7:26

Uh, yes. What would be one?

SPEAKER_05 7:29

Uh, because you're Scottish, right?

SPEAKER_03 7:30

Donkey. Donkey. Donkey. I think Donkey. Donkey is a good one.

SPEAKER_05 7:33

I feel like that's what old Scotsmen were using. We're saying donkey. Is that where Shrek got it? I think Shrek got it from Donkey.

SPEAKER_00 7:42

You think they started saying Donkey? Yeah. Okay, because all the Scottish people were saying donkey.

SPEAKER_03 7:46

I just saw that movie, by the way. You just saw Shrek? Yes.

SPEAKER_00 7:49

Does it feel accurate?

SPEAKER_03 7:50

Uh incredibly so. Yes, it does.

SPEAKER_05 7:52

May I ask to what?

SPEAKER_03 7:54

Uh just the way that we were. The people that would mill about and whatnot. Uh-huh. Living in swamps, grabbing earwax. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 8:02

Speaking of earwax, hey.

SPEAKER_05 8:04

You probably are intimately equated with all things ear because you created the like US patent for the telephone.

SPEAKER_03 8:12

That's right. So you've got one of my babies right here now here.

SPEAKER_05 8:15

Now, what's interesting is nobody has called in on this phone, which is always available to call in. Okay. Um, so please, it would actually mean a lot to our guests.

SPEAKER_03 8:22

Now would be a great time to call on. It'd be a great time to call in. Give us a couple of stars, if you will.

SPEAKER_05 8:28

Please.

SPEAKER_03 8:29

More than one would be great. Please.

SPEAKER_05 8:30

And if it's not five, I guess you can just verbalize it over the phone because that doesn't really count. That's okay.

SPEAKER_02 8:34

Yeah, we don't mind.

SPEAKER_05 8:35

Um, yeah. Please tell us how did you come about creating that phone?

SPEAKER_03 8:39

Well, let me tell you what. I am intimately aware of all things hearing. Yeah. For me, wife and me mum. Both deaf.

SPEAKER_04 8:49

Wow. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 8:50

This is something that I did know, and that's what you led you to start looking into. Yes. Trying to help people. Hey, yes. Right?

SPEAKER_03 8:58

That's right. And I got to the phone. It got to the point where we made the advancements needed to create Donkey. Yeah, anytime you needed to switch. We can help you out, too. Donkey. Great. It got to the point where we were able to create the telephone. And it appealed not just to those who've hard of hearing, but don'tke. To people all over the world. Did it spread fast? Very fast. Yeah. Very fast. It caught on like, let's see. Um, what would you say today? Ska music. Oh.

SPEAKER_05 9:31

Oh. I would almost say that's like we're like 25 years behind.

SPEAKER_03 9:36

Are you a big ska guy? Or maybe third wave. Uh third wave. Sell out. Is now the third wave? I think. Real big fish, if my understanding. Yeah, real big fish. It's a bit ahead of my time. But uh, I believe that's third wave ska. And I'll tell you what, it's the best.

SPEAKER_05 9:50

Wait, real big fish is ahead of your time?

SPEAKER_03 9:54

Ahead of my time?

SPEAKER_05 9:55

Well, this is interesting. Is that considered ahead?

SPEAKER_00 9:57

So you just recently got into I just recently got I mean, it was I was before their time.

SPEAKER_03 10:01

You were before their time.

SPEAKER_05 10:03

They're ahead Fair enough.

SPEAKER_03 10:04

There we go. There we go. Yeah, yeah. And I'll tell you what, what that leads me to why I'm here today. Oh. I know you look at me as some great inventor. Of course. As someone who's maybe led the way and has climbed mountains. But I'm here to tell you right now, I pale in comparison to the recent inventors of your time.

SPEAKER_00 10:28

Stop it. You came here to tell us that you pale in comparison?

SPEAKER_03 10:31

You hold me up in too lofty of esteem. No.

SPEAKER_05 10:35

I almost feel like many people probably don't know who you are, but continue.

SPEAKER_03 10:39

The other day I went out for dinner. And when I say I went out, I mean I went out for pizza. Okay. And for the first time in my life. And I've never seen this before. There was cheese within the crust. And I tell you right now, as God is my witness, that it may be the greatest invention I've ever witnessed.

SPEAKER_05 11:06

Alexander.

SPEAKER_00 11:07

Alexander, you compare to the telephone, you changed people's lives.

SPEAKER_05 11:11

You pioneered work with people who are hard of hearing, who are deaf. You you made it so that people could communicate across the country. Soft crest pizza is just like a way to get a little extra cheese, which is really good.

SPEAKER_03 11:25

It's really, really good. Where would you have put it? If you had meant making the pizza, where would you put it in the phone? I'm an idiot. Right, right. And the tip?

SPEAKER_00 11:33

You would have shoved it in the tip of what? What do you So you mean the middle? The point? You don't make pizza a slice at a time. You make a big round one.

SPEAKER_03 11:44

You put the big bulbous bounce of cheese right by the tip of the triangle?

SPEAKER_05 11:48

I'm not the inventor.

SPEAKER_03 11:50

Yeah, clearly. Well, good, yeah. I mean, uh, hey, that's as good as any idea I would have had. Don't care. I could not have thought of a place. And they did.

SPEAKER_00 11:58

Yeah, they did. So I think what they do is they do they take basically mozzarella sticks and then kind of roll it into the.

SPEAKER_05 12:03

I don't think they want to admit that they're taking string cheese and putting it in there. It's kind of worth it. But I think they're kind of doing that and just rolling a ridge around. But but Alexander, you said there's greater inventors of our time. Are there other things you're thinking about here besides we have stuff crap pizza? Stuff crap people. You have struck up people.

SPEAKER_00 12:20

We got struck up people, which is good. I mean, I I I when I try and think of great inventors, a big thing that you did too is you invented many things, right? It wasn't just like one thing.

SPEAKER_05 12:33

And you were so like philanthropic from what I understand. You were like the president of the National Geographic Society.

SPEAKER_03 12:38

Well, and in that, yes, I did. Yes, I did. As well as one of the early mind detectors.

SPEAKER_00 12:43

Mine detectors? To detective people have mines?

SPEAKER_03 12:46

No, no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_06 12:47

Mine.

SPEAKER_03 12:48

Mine. The destructive devices. Now, mine are the mines also destructive devices? They certainly can be. Yes, they can. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 12:54

Okay, okay, okay. And then I saw metal detectors too. Which I guess is the same thing, probably, right? Yes.

SPEAKER_05 13:00

Mine is like an offshoot. You detect metal and you go, could that be a mine?

SPEAKER_00 13:03

Right.

SPEAKER_05 13:04

And then maybe it's a watch.

SPEAKER_00 13:05

Yeah, you're like, oh, I found oh, I made a mind detector. And everybody else is like, that's kind of just a metal detector.

SPEAKER_05 13:10

We're kind of using that to find paper clips.

SPEAKER_00 13:11

Yeah, we could kind of find anything with it. Right. Yeah, you're limiting your scope by saying mind detector.

SPEAKER_03 13:15

Absolutely. And and I say right now, that's all will and good.

SPEAKER_06 13:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 13:19

But you tell me right now, what are you using more? A mind detector? Okay. Or are you using shampoo and conditioner in one bottle?

SPEAKER_05 13:32

So, okay.

SPEAKER_03 13:34

I use it every day.

SPEAKER_00 13:36

You don't.

SPEAKER_05 13:37

You do?

SPEAKER_00 13:38

You do? Wait, I uh shampoo and conditioning. Yeah. You do?

unknown 13:44

You have a shampoo.

SPEAKER_00 13:45

What? I use it for my beard. Oh. Wow.

SPEAKER_05 13:50

Sorry.

SPEAKER_00 13:51

I'm so surprised why you guys are so surprised.

SPEAKER_05 13:53

Everybody was thinking about it. We were all kind of thinking about it. So I, you know, we were just.

SPEAKER_03 13:57

You just keep it, you keep it tight on top? I keep it tight on top. Hey, you keep it tight, it looks good on you. A lot of people can pull it off. You do.

SPEAKER_05 14:03

Completely.

SPEAKER_03 14:04

Thank you. You do shampoo and conditioner on the beard? On my beard.

SPEAKER_00 14:07

That's right. Really? Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 14:08

I can't do that condition.

SPEAKER_00 14:10

I got really oily skin and it followed me into through my death. I don't should I be doing that with my mustache?

SPEAKER_05 14:15

Um, do you what combination? Do you have combination? Dry, oily, dry skin, oily skin. What do you think?

SPEAKER_00 14:20

I think I have more than the normal. If I'm ranking the inventions of the four that we've bit discussed, I'm still putting phone number one.

SPEAKER_05 14:28

I'm putting phone, then stuffed crust pizza very close behind because you've reminded me that people are doing stuff to crust that is awesome. Like making it into a breadstick.

SPEAKER_00 14:38

We're doing like turbo crust.

SPEAKER_05 14:39

What's turbo crust?

SPEAKER_00 14:41

What's turbo crust? Jets pizza does the turbo crust where they have.

SPEAKER_05 14:44

Well that seems like a name just because they're called Jets Pizza.

SPEAKER_00 14:46

Well, they turbo, you know, like turbo it all up, you know? From zero to turbo. It's turboed. Between zero and turbo, theirs goes all the way to turbo. Yeah, but I don't even know what that means. Well, think about what's not turbo. Plain? Opposite. Yes. Straight up opposite.

SPEAKER_05 15:01

Fried turtle.

SPEAKER_00 15:02

Turtle? Not turbo. I don't think they're doing a turtle crust. Turtle crust. Turtle crust.

SPEAKER_05 15:07

Ooh.

SPEAKER_00 15:08

Ooh, good or ooh bad?

SPEAKER_05 15:09

I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 15:10

Because you said ooh gross and then you smiled after. You went, ooh. Ooh. So mine is phone, stuffed crust pizza, shampoo and conditioner, and minded detection.

SPEAKER_05 15:21

I go shampoo and conditioner dead last. I can't use that shit.

SPEAKER_00 15:24

What? What?

SPEAKER_05 15:25

When you have a product that does two things, they do both of them poorly.

SPEAKER_00 15:29

Oh.

SPEAKER_05 15:31

But a metal detector does one thing, detects metal.

SPEAKER_00 15:34

Well, but it to be fair, no offense, it detects too many things. Because originally it was just for mines. But now it's detecting everything.

SPEAKER_05 15:41

Listen, okay. If my shampoo was so good that it also like wiped my ass, that's awesome. But shampoo and conditioner is just a worse shampoo and a worse conditioner in one bottle.

SPEAKER_03 15:52

I see. I see. Okay, okay. Okay. Hey, well, well, potato, potato. We uh agree to disagree on these things.

SPEAKER_00 15:59

Okay, but you also, I guess this isn't an invention, but you founded ain't ATT. You've he founded Yeah, he was a co-founder, I believe.

SPEAKER_03 16:09

I was a co-founder of ATT. Alexander Bell Grim Bell. Bell. Used to have Bell in the name, I believe.

SPEAKER_05 16:19

Which part? Yeah, tell tele telebells.

SPEAKER_03 16:23

Telecommunications. Yeah, I guess there's no really big way to find this out. Uh, but I'm pretty sure the Bell was in the name of ATD at some point. I believe it does the logo.

SPEAKER_05 16:33

The logo, I think, was a bell, but it's a circle about it. It's just a circle now.

SPEAKER_03 16:36

It's just a circle now. So it's like a blue circle. It's just a blue. It kind of looks like a planet, but it's but it's got lines through it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:44

It's still going strong though. Which for I mean over a century. Okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 16:48

Verizon's on our heels. It's hot on our heels.

SPEAKER_00 16:50

You still pay attention.

SPEAKER_05 16:51

Do you know Alexander Graham Verizon?

SPEAKER_03 16:54

Yes. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 16:56

I have not met that.

SPEAKER_03 16:57

What's he like? I'll tell you what. He um he it's he his voice is crystal clear. I'll give you that. I'll give you that in person or over the phone.

SPEAKER_00 17:07

Can you hear him now?

SPEAKER_03 17:08

Good. Yes.

SPEAKER_05 17:09

Don't advertise for his dumb shit.

SPEAKER_00 17:12

I'm sorry. For Verizon? What's wrong? Is he a bad guy? I mean.

SPEAKER_03 17:16

No, he's a good guy. He's a good guy. Don't care. Okay. Listen. Listen. Listen. Hey, check it out. Listen to us. Check it out. Let me ask you a question. Uh huh. When you're on your phone, you love the phone. Like you love phones. And you're on the phone, you're talking to your friends, and you're enjoying a stuff crust pizza. Yeah, I wish. Oh my god. Tell me, tell me this. Is there any better place to enjoy it? They're on a chair that has a little lover on the side and you recline it.

SPEAKER_05 17:50

A lazy boy.

SPEAKER_03 17:51

You're a lazy boy.

SPEAKER_05 17:53

Crap.

SPEAKER_00 17:53

Lazy boy's number one over phone.

SPEAKER_05 17:56

It's gotta go. Hold on. Lazy boys over phone. I'm so sorry. I actually think because we keep talking about stuff, crest pizza, that has moved up for me. That's above phones. We're talking about to be fair.

SPEAKER_00 18:07

And once again, this is this is not on you. But phones have become kind of like one of the worst things that ever happened to society. But that's not your phone.

SPEAKER_05 18:14

I don't know if you're aware what Steve Jobs and his little hooligans did. He's up here.

SPEAKER_00 18:19

Yeah, they kind of ruined your phone.

SPEAKER_05 18:20

They kind of make kids addicted to phones. They make people feel bad about themselves. They ruined your idea.

SPEAKER_03 18:26

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_05 18:27

You've not heard about this yet?

SPEAKER_03 18:28

No, I have heard about uh stuff crossed pizza, Verizon, and uh combination shampoo. Yes, and conditioner, but no. Yes. Yes.

SPEAKER_05 18:38

They're they're people are becoming addicted to your product.

SPEAKER_03 18:40

To these big old honkers?

SPEAKER_00 18:42

Yeah, well, they got they're wet. They are. Call in. They start looking like this now.

SPEAKER_03 18:48

What the heck is that?

SPEAKER_00 18:50

Peruse it.

SPEAKER_03 18:51

Dear Lord, that's light.

SPEAKER_05 18:53

It's very light. Oh my god. And you can you can call anyone in the world on it. Okay. You can go on the internet, you can order a stuffed crust pizza with the touch of a button.

SPEAKER_03 19:03

Oh my gosh. And the combination of all these things are worse than if they were individual. It's too many. It does too many things.

SPEAKER_05 19:12

It orders pizza, it orders shampoo, it orders what mine detectors.

SPEAKER_00 19:17

It orders mine detectors. Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_05 19:20

And you it can sometimes be a wallet.

SPEAKER_00 19:22

Yeah, and it can be a wallet too. It does too many things. It could be a wallet. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 19:26

Yeah, either a physical wallet, you could put your money in there and you can have money on your phone.

SPEAKER_03 19:33

My God. Could you put photos of your kids on there? Yeah. What? Yes.

SPEAKER_05 19:38

Is that good or bad? Because if you put a photo of a kid on this, it'd look kind of silly. It'd look very good. And it better be a thin kid.

SPEAKER_02 19:44

Yeah. It better be a thin kid. But you're always saying that, Rika.

SPEAKER_05 19:48

I think kids are getting too fat.

SPEAKER_02 19:50

Yeah. What do you think? Thin kids.

SPEAKER_05 19:51

Yuck.

SPEAKER_00 19:52

It better be a thin kid. Yuck. Yes, whatever I see a big kid on like yuck.

SPEAKER_05 19:56

Yuck.

SPEAKER_00 19:56

Yuck. Hold on. I no offense, Alex. I gotta call something out. What? What? I think I see something poking.

unknown 20:06

What?

SPEAKER_00 20:06

No.

SPEAKER_05 20:07

Have you been pretending you don't have a smartphone so that you don't look like a simp?

SPEAKER_03 20:13

That's exactly why I've been pretending to not have a smartphone. I don't want to look like a simp. Can you explain one more time, real quick? What is a simp again?

SPEAKER_05 20:22

A simp is like someone who's just like simple, like you're simping for something. Like if I was simping for um Verizon, I might like pepper their quote into this cable access show to seem popular because I'm simping for them. Like they didn't even ask me. They don't care about me, but I'm like simping. That's true.

SPEAKER_00 20:43

That's like me simping for my child. It's like I invented You invented child.

SPEAKER_03 20:47

You invented your child. Yeah. Fair thin.

SPEAKER_05 20:50

And honestly, you this is very thin.

SPEAKER_03 20:53

It is. I almost forgot I had it. But I'll tell you what, I do love it.

SPEAKER_05 20:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 20:58

I do love my invention.

SPEAKER_05 21:00

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 21:00

I don't mean to say it. My inventions are bad.

SPEAKER_05 21:02

No, they're not.

SPEAKER_03 21:03

They're not.

SPEAKER_02 21:04

Would you trade that for stuff craft stuff craft peepa right now?

SPEAKER_05 21:07

Papa pizza?

SPEAKER_02 21:08

Papa? Yes. Would you really?

SPEAKER_05 21:11

I think we're all ranking pizza as number one. I think we're talking about it enough. We might as well order one.

SPEAKER_02 21:19

Let's get one here, staff.

SPEAKER_03 21:20

That would be all right. I'd be down.

SPEAKER_05 21:22

I'd be down. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 21:24

Let's get some pizza. Let's turn on some Se Ferris. Uh some what? Se Ferris.

SPEAKER_05 21:29

It's a ska band.

SPEAKER_03 21:30

It's a ska band.

SPEAKER_00 21:31

Do you think you like ska band because you're Scottish?

SPEAKER_03 21:34

Oh well, well, well.

SPEAKER_00 21:38

I figured you figured it out.

SPEAKER_05 21:40

Wow. Is that the origin?

SPEAKER_00 21:42

Oh, is it really? I believe so.

SPEAKER_05 21:44

And Scottish being spelled S K A T T I S H.

SPEAKER_00 21:49

Yes. Yes. Yeah, they switched it when ska became popular to avoid the association so strongly.

SPEAKER_05 21:54

It's so crazy because when you say ska, if you say gun to your head, think of one instrument that back my. It's so backpipe. It's so backpipe. Some people go brass. They go trumpet. They go tube. I go big pipe.

SPEAKER_02 22:09

I go big pipe. I go backpipe.

SPEAKER_05 22:11

Wow. Okay. I kind of want to order a stuff-crest pizza. Yeah, that's trying to get one of them. And maybe we take a break for a word from our sponsors. Let's do it. We'll be right back.

SPEAKER_00 22:21

Going once, going twice, sold. You just bought Freddie Mercury's memory of playing Live Aid. That's right. At the memory auction, you can buy and sell memories. Next up, some guy Keith's memory of kissing his cousin. But she's not your cousin.

SPEAKER_05 22:36

And we're back. Willie, I could not be more thrilled for our next guest.

SPEAKER_00 22:42

I'm so excited. I mean, this is the first time I will say I've met an extraterrestrial.

SPEAKER_05 22:46

Completely. And he's extra.

SPEAKER_00 22:49

He puts the extra and extraterrestrial.

SPEAKER_05 22:51

Please welcome Cletus. What's up, Cletus?

SPEAKER_01 22:55

Thank you for having me.

SPEAKER_05 22:56

No problem. Cletus, I uh was reading your description, your bio, and you seem to be a dead alien supposedly found at Area 51. Is that correct?

SPEAKER_01 23:09

Yes, that is correct. I am one of the aliens that was found at Area 51. One of? There were multiple?

SPEAKER_05 23:18

I think throughout the years, people keep claiming to find dead aliens there, right?

SPEAKER_01 23:22

Oh, okay. There have been others. Wait. Some of them came looking for me. I was a very popular guy. How did you do that?

SPEAKER_05 23:30

Wait, Cletus is sexy. Sorry. Am I the only one that thinks this? Sorry, I'm trying to. Wait, are you am I the only person that thinks this?

SPEAKER_00 23:40

Of the two of us, yes. No offense. No offense.

SPEAKER_05 23:43

The way he's talking.

SPEAKER_01 23:44

I learned how to speak English from Barry White's song. And it shows.

SPEAKER_00 23:50

I wasn't sure if it was that or shaft.

SPEAKER_05 23:52

And it shows either way. Sorry. I never get unprofessional. Continue, Cletus.

SPEAKER_01 23:58

Well, I crash landed on my way to Vegas because I count cards. And I had watched uh uh minute movies about people counting cards. Which I think should be legal. I think it's stupid.

SPEAKER_05 24:13

I think it's stupid that you shouldn't count. You're not supposed to.

SPEAKER_01 24:15

Is it illegal?

SPEAKER_05 24:16

It's not okay, sorry. It's not illegal. It's frowned upon.

SPEAKER_01 24:19

Yeah, it's frowned upon. They might get kicked out. They definitely don't like it. They don't like it.

SPEAKER_05 24:23

I think they should. You're just being good at the game.

SPEAKER_01 24:25

This is exactly this is my point.

unknown 24:27

We're getting on.

SPEAKER_00 24:28

You guys are yeah, you guys are off.

SPEAKER_05 24:30

Continue.

SPEAKER_00 24:30

How did you so you went to Vegas, but uh I feel like maybe the bigger question is how did you get to Earth? Is maybe a bigger question.

SPEAKER_05 24:38

That's a huge question.

SPEAKER_01 24:40

Yeah, it was a very long trip. Okay, I guess I could understand that. I I couldn't break that. You want to know the example of the plan?

SPEAKER_00 24:48

I mean, nobody from Earth has been to any other planet, period. Nobody from Earth has been to any other planet.

SPEAKER_05 24:54

Which feels wrong. It feels like we should have been on Mars by now.

SPEAKER_00 24:57

I know. Like but and even farther. I mean, there's no are you from Mars? Are you from this solar system?

SPEAKER_05 25:02

I hate to be the person that's asking you where you're from, but where are you from?

SPEAKER_01 25:05

What do you mean when you ask me this?

SPEAKER_05 25:07

I I mean where your new family is from Where were you born?

SPEAKER_01 25:15

Where where was I born?

SPEAKER_05 25:16

Well, where's your what race are you?

SPEAKER_00 25:19

Like just any of them.

SPEAKER_01 25:20

Wow. Unbelievable. Wallied.

SPEAKER_05 25:24

I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_01 25:25

I never would have thought. It's fascinating. It's fascinating. And what is so fascinating?

SPEAKER_05 25:31

Are those your eyes or are those sunglasses?

SPEAKER_01 25:35

Oh, I'm sorry.

unknown 25:37

Fuck.

SPEAKER_00 25:38

You're messing it up. Don't mess it up with that.

SPEAKER_05 25:40

You messed it up. You asked just. I'm being the bad guy. You race checked.

SPEAKER_01 25:44

I'm not. I'm I do want to check your race. What's your race? I can't believe I have to say this. I am black. And these are my eyes. You're okay.

SPEAKER_05 25:57

I can't believe I have to say this. I'm black and these are my eyes.

SPEAKER_00 26:02

You're your first. Are you black as uh as somebody on earth would be black, or are you black for somebody back home?

SPEAKER_01 26:08

Oh, so I'm not black enough. Which is the blackest black? Which is the real black?

SPEAKER_00 26:15

There's no real black, but on the Is black a term you picked up on earth, or is it something you said in your home world?

SPEAKER_01 26:22

I am I am using terms that would be familiar to you. I'm speaking.

SPEAKER_05 26:28

You don't have to code switch for us. I I would love to know your home terms.

SPEAKER_01 26:33

Yeah. My okay. So my race of people is chameleon. And I chose black because I was coming to Nevada and I did not want to wear a whole lot of sunscreen.

SPEAKER_00 26:50

Oh, that's very wise. High melanin count. Yes. That's very smart.

SPEAKER_05 26:54

I've never been sunburned.

SPEAKER_00 26:56

Summered? Sunburned. Sunburned. Oh, sunburned.

SPEAKER_05 26:59

You've never been sunburned? No.

SPEAKER_00 27:01

Oh, I guess you can't swim, so you don't spend time in a pool. So that makes sense.

SPEAKER_05 27:04

What is going on?

SPEAKER_01 27:05

Wait, can you really not swim?

SPEAKER_05 27:07

No.

SPEAKER_01 27:07

Really? With all this water?

SPEAKER_05 27:10

You don't have water on your planet?

SPEAKER_01 27:11

Not this much.

SPEAKER_00 27:13

You're like a dune. Or whatever that's the planet's called. Uh yeah, we are like a dune. Can we get someone else?

SPEAKER_05 27:22

Yeah, please don't like it's like when people are like, naun is Indian pizza. I'm like, I guess it's just it's a type of bread, isn't that easier?

SPEAKER_00 27:31

I would just like to know more about your homeworld. It feels like you're holding out on me. And maybe, maybe I will say, maybe I am uh taking you back to your time at Area 51 where they were, I'm sure, interviewing you and asking you questions and probing you and whatnot.

SPEAKER_05 27:43

Yeah, maybe a better question. You were on a planet of chameleons, right?

SPEAKER_00 27:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 27:49

Why why leave? Uh why go to Earth? Great question.

SPEAKER_01 27:52

So I've learned a lot about Earth, and it is it is the urge of all intelligent beings to travel. And you you get curious about different things and you want to learn about it and experience it for yourself. Yeah, I get it. The Earth has a very bad rap.

SPEAKER_05 28:16

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 28:17

Why?

SPEAKER_05 28:18

I think Earth is like America for planets. Like we're humiliating. Compared to the other planets, it's very bad.

SPEAKER_01 28:27

You all don't have a whole lot of time left. What? What? It doesn't look like we're dead.

SPEAKER_00 28:34

It doesn't affect us.

SPEAKER_05 28:34

It doesn't affect us, but I'm curious. You have kids. You should fucking give a shit about your kids for once.

SPEAKER_00 28:39

Yeah, I guess I but I did know I did bring them into the world knowing that we have like 30 years left.

SPEAKER_05 28:43

Which is selfish.

SPEAKER_00 28:44

Yeah, that's fair. How much time does Earth have? Do you know?

SPEAKER_01 28:49

Maybe a billion years.

SPEAKER_05 28:51

Oh okay that's actually quite a long time for Earth.

SPEAKER_01 28:55

Okay. I for us, that's like wait, do you live like how long do you live? I'm 231 years old.

SPEAKER_00 29:02

Is that young or old for your chameleon race?

SPEAKER_01 29:05

How old do I look? Honestly, like 30?

SPEAKER_05 29:09

I think chameleon don't crack. You look you look like 34.

SPEAKER_01 29:16

I am of medium age. Medium age. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 29:19

So you live to maybe 500 or so.

SPEAKER_01 29:21

And in that amount of time, you don't get to see a whole lot of things. It's a limited amount. So I wanted to see as much as I could. And if I was going to be here, I understood that I needed money. Yeah, really important on Earth.

SPEAKER_05 29:37

Okay, so you wanted to go to Vegas.

SPEAKER_01 29:38

Mm-hmm. Okay. And count cards.

SPEAKER_05 29:40

And count cards. So then how did you end up getting captured in Area 51?

SPEAKER_01 29:45

I crashed.

SPEAKER_05 29:46

You crashed your spaceship?

SPEAKER_00 29:47

Oh, so you didn't even get to Vegas at all. I did not get to Vegas.

SPEAKER_01 29:51

Man, Cletus, I'm sorry. I crashed. And they found me.

SPEAKER_05 29:56

And did they kill you or were you dead?

SPEAKER_01 29:59

They let me die. So yes, they they are they are complicit. Now that's an interesting philosophical question.

SPEAKER_00 30:07

If you see somebody die and you let them die, did you kill them?

SPEAKER_01 30:11

I don't think they understood that aliens need food. Wait a second. You guys also need food.

SPEAKER_05 30:19

We do. We do need food. So they that should have been not a coach.

SPEAKER_01 30:22

They did know. They absolutely know that yeah, what else?

SPEAKER_05 30:26

Like, what did you you died from like the accident? Like you you they let you just like fester after your crash?

SPEAKER_01 30:33

They held me and in a room in a basement. Oh, so while you were alive? While I was alive. What?

SPEAKER_05 30:40

They seemed more complicit by the second.

SPEAKER_01 30:42

Absolutely. They weren't sure what to do and they watched me do my uh karate.

SPEAKER_05 30:49

What? That's a new information.

SPEAKER_01 30:52

I'm sorry, you do a you do karate. I pre I practice I you practice the R? Yes. I practice the you don't do karate.

SPEAKER_00 31:02

Yeah, you were just you just said karate. You do marijuana drugs. Am I wrong? Didn't you just say I was doing some of my karate?

SPEAKER_05 31:14

We can run it back. Probably not.

SPEAKER_00 31:16

Probably not. Okay. I'm sorry. So you were making the art of karate in your room.

SPEAKER_01 31:22

Okay. In in in the basement that I was in the basement room that I was given.

SPEAKER_00 31:27

Was it just art or was it purposeful? Were you trying to like kick down a gate or summon something? Like, what was the point of making karate?

SPEAKER_01 31:35

I was posturing. Um and a little bit too well because they were afraid. They got intimidated. They were intimidated.

SPEAKER_05 31:46

Now, question could you not just blend into the walls because you're a chameleon? Sorry. No, crap.

SPEAKER_01 31:52

The answer is yes. God damn it. I I'm real You know what? I I I I fault the crash for me not coming up with that brilliant idea. Yeah. That is a good idea. The crash must have caused some kind of uh it it shook up my head.

SPEAKER_05 32:13

CTE. Or uh what did I say earlier? STD.

SPEAKER_00 32:19

Maybe it gave you an STD. And syphilis does mess with your brain. So maybe you got syphilis from the crass and it messed with your brain. Interesting. Maybe it's one of those things where you were not immune to it. It's the whole like uh when colonizers come and they start getting they bring the diseases. Yeah, you came to Earth and you weren't ready for an STD.

SPEAKER_05 32:37

Well, because Earth, we have like microplastics everywhere. We have people not getting tested for stuff. We just like let COVID happen for a long time.

SPEAKER_00 32:45

I have a question about your death too. Yes. Now I will say, and I've not explored the entire afterlife. I've yet to see another alien being. Are you in our afterlife and there is a separate alien afterlife that you can't access?

SPEAKER_01 32:59

That's what I suspect. I have never seen another alien being here. Oh that's a nightmare.

SPEAKER_05 33:07

That means you're not being let into some cool alien afterlife.

SPEAKER_00 33:11

Yeah. I mean, if if Earth sucks, okay, I guess we're running that assumption. If Earth sucks compared to other planets.

SPEAKER_05 33:20

Who cares?

SPEAKER_00 33:21

It's cool.

SPEAKER_05 33:22

Who fucking cares?

SPEAKER_00 33:23

It's a miracle that it is a thing.

SPEAKER_01 33:25

You know what? It's cute. Okay. I like when people are proud of where they're. Thank you. No matter how shitty.

SPEAKER_00 33:32

But if Earth is so shitty, I'm sure afterlife is shitty compared to what would be your alien afterlife. I'm sure as well.

SPEAKER_05 33:39

I feel like Alien Afterlife, if I'm just guessing, I feel like it's like parties all the time. I feel like everyone, it's like an orgy.

SPEAKER_00 33:47

I'm now realizing I've been to like no parties since I died.

SPEAKER_05 33:51

That's a you thing. For sure. I've definitely been to parties. No. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:57

What are the odds, Wally? Just think about it. What are the odds that there have been zero parties this whole time?

SPEAKER_00 34:04

I get to get do get-togethers, but like with like party thumping, people drinking, yeah. Doing drugs. There's no way people are doing that up here.

SPEAKER_05 34:12

I literally told you I was hanging out with the guys from the 27 Club.

SPEAKER_00 34:16

Don't those Christians, they don't drink or anything.

SPEAKER_05 34:19

Kirk O'Bain?

SPEAKER_01 34:20

Oh, don't Kirk Obain. I party with Jimi Hendrix the other day.

SPEAKER_00 34:23

You did? I'm sure I can see him and an alien getting along. I feel like is alien offensive?

SPEAKER_01 34:30

No, no.

SPEAKER_00 34:30

Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_01 34:31

Why would that be offensive? Is what I am.

SPEAKER_05 34:33

Well This is like when people on earth are like, is it offensive to be like you're Asian? I'm like, it speaks more about you that you think that that's offensive.

SPEAKER_01 34:41

Why would that be offensive?

SPEAKER_00 34:43

Exactly. I'm proud of Asian. You're you're Asian to you.

SPEAKER_05 34:47

The way you say it sounds hurtful.

SPEAKER_00 34:50

I'm sorry, I'm also Asian.

SPEAKER_05 34:52

Yeah, and just the way you're saying it, I don't know. There's like a hate to it.

SPEAKER_00 34:55

But alien, you're not an alien to yourself. You're only an alien to us.

SPEAKER_05 34:58

Right. Like I'm not diverse.

SPEAKER_00 34:59

Like you're alien too.

SPEAKER_05 35:00

I'm diverse in a group of people.

SPEAKER_01 35:02

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 35:02

Yes, yes, yes.

SPEAKER_01 35:04

Yeah. I understand where I am. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. It's fine for you to say that I am an alien. Okay. Here I am an alien. I understand this. Like if you go to Mexico, you are an American, correct?

SPEAKER_00 35:21

Yes, but once again, that is where the American is who you are, regardless of where you go.

SPEAKER_05 35:26

I don't know. You're stepping in America.

SPEAKER_00 35:27

Okay, I'm sorry, alien.

SPEAKER_05 35:28

It sounds bad.

SPEAKER_00 35:29

Okay. Okay. Okay, alien, move on. You know what? I actually I have uh I've been doing a little bit of work to maybe grow ourselves as a podcast. Yes. So I can actually got a couple segment ideas. Oh, I'd love to do a segment. Interested in doing a segment. Sure. Okay.

SPEAKER_05 35:46

And is a segment what like a part of your body might be called?

SPEAKER_01 35:51

What? Okay. We can cut that. Okay, we can't guess if you I guess if you really want all this.

SPEAKER_00 35:57

Go ahead and pick one of these and just give it to me. Pick one at random. Cut that. I'm trying to play it. Just give it to me. Oh. Okay. Uh, this game is called Kimia Socks. Um, so we lot we learned in our last episode that there's a high likely chance that Kimia Bapornia was the one that led to our death.

SPEAKER_05 36:16

And if you don't know who Kimmya is, she's a terrifically untalented comedian on Earth.

SPEAKER_00 36:21

Well, don't start the game yet.

SPEAKER_05 36:23

God, I just can't help but shit on Kimia. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 36:26

Okay, so this is Kimia sucks segment, is we just we go around and we all say one bad thing about Kimmy Bapornia.

SPEAKER_05 36:32

Okay. I'm ready. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 36:36

Locked and loaded.

SPEAKER_05 36:37

Not even, firstly, she killed us. Uh-huh. So whatever.

SPEAKER_00 36:40

That sucks.

SPEAKER_05 36:40

But one, that sucks. Two, it's literally so typical of her. Because what? Because she is just like kind of like just like so not a like just like a fun or funny and delightful person. Yeah. She has to take other people down. What happened to curly haired women supporting curly haired women? That's what I have.

SPEAKER_00 37:02

Thank you. All right, Alien.

SPEAKER_01 37:03

Uh Cletus. Um, have you ever seen her on television at a at a Sparks game?

SPEAKER_05 37:11

Yeah. She's always supporting women's basketball and she's on TV shows.

SPEAKER_01 37:16

It's a problem.

SPEAKER_05 37:17

Yeah, I agree. Why can't I be on television?

SPEAKER_01 37:19

Yeah. And what?

SPEAKER_05 37:21

Because I'm bad?

SPEAKER_01 37:22

Yeah. Well, what?

SPEAKER_05 37:24

Just because I do a bad audition, I'm not allowed to be on television. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 37:29

It really, it's I I say, you know what I say? I say that that is infringing on your right of freedom of speech. Thank you. You should be able to be bad on television.

SPEAKER_05 37:41

Because Kimia is like booking all these roles because she's really talented and stuff or whatever the fuck. And I'm like, they're gatekeeping. Yeah, it's kind of called gatekeeping when you get a job by yourself.

SPEAKER_00 37:53

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Okay. Uh mine is um, you know, I haven't seen her, but I bet you she's really bad at dodgeball. I've never seen her do it, but she probably sucks at dodgeball.

SPEAKER_05 38:05

I bet you if I threw a ball at Kimmya, she'd probably move into it. Yeah, she'd probably go, let me move toward it.

SPEAKER_01 38:13

Fucking idiot. I've seen it. And you're right. Really? It is unbelievable.

SPEAKER_05 38:20

She killed us because she knows we're right. Stinks. All right. Well, that was an awesome segment.

unknown 38:26

Great.

SPEAKER_05 38:27

Cool.

SPEAKER_00 38:28

Okay, after the comment thing, I was a little worried about the segment. Yeah. So I'm glad that worked out.

SPEAKER_05 38:33

We're gonna get up to five stars tonight.

SPEAKER_00 38:36

Tonight. Uh all right. Well, great. Um, I think that maybe we should take a commercial break and we can get you and Alexander Graham Bell on the couch together. I'm so excited. And I'm pumped.

SPEAKER_04 38:47

We'll be right back.

SPEAKER_05 38:50

I love the ozone, but I hate the calories. Then you'll love new Diet O chips. All the great taste of the ozone with half the calories of regular ozone. Grab them while they're still hot. And we're back. Uleed. I am so excited for this part of our podcast always.

SPEAKER_00 39:10

Me too. I love introducing people to you, but we also get the chance to introduce them to each other. So please welcome back to the show, Khalidas and Alexander Graham Bell.

SPEAKER_03 39:19

Thank you for having me back. Ahoy hoy. Ahoy hoy.

SPEAKER_01 39:23

Ahoy hoy. Is that a reference to something, or is that just how you greet? According to our radio waves, uh, that was the first message.

SPEAKER_05 39:33

Ahoy hoy. Isn't that something a guy on The Simpsons says?

SPEAKER_01 39:37

You think he's dope? It's because he's so old. No, you're talking about Mr. Burns. Mr. Burns says Ahoy? Ahoy?

SPEAKER_05 39:45

Yeah. Yes. Sorry. Uh I'm sorry I didn't name him. Mr. Burns says that on The Simpsons. That's not what you're talking about.

SPEAKER_01 39:52

I think it's what I am talking about.

SPEAKER_00 39:54

Yes.

SPEAKER_05 39:55

Oh, that's what the real phone.

SPEAKER_00 39:58

Yeah, the first word to we could talk about The Simpsons if you like. No, no, no.

SPEAKER_05 40:03

I don't want to make anyone talk about The Simpsons. It's very funny.

SPEAKER_00 40:06

Yeah, I will say now this is interesting because you, when you presented the idea of a phone, I believe wanted people to say ahoy instead of hello. Does it feel like do you what's uh what's with hello? Why don't you like hello?

SPEAKER_03 40:20

I'd I'll tell you what, it's not that I don't like it. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I like that people made it their own. Once I gave the gift, then you do what you will with it. It's not for me. It's like um it's like music. Uh are you familiar with the uh song Alive by Pearl Jam? No, I haven't gotten that one yet.

SPEAKER_05 40:41

Well, I'm still alive.

SPEAKER_01 40:44

Oh that's me singing.

SPEAKER_00 40:46

Oh, you finally sang.

SPEAKER_05 40:48

Yeah, I can do Eddie Vetter's range.

SPEAKER_03 40:53

You've been taking some voice lessons in the shows.

SPEAKER_05 40:55

Stop it. No, I've been taking voice lessons with River Phoenix.

SPEAKER_03 41:00

It's good. It's good. It's good. Yeah, it's good. Anyways, the point I was trying to make there. Yeah, what was the point of that? Uh just that initially it was a more of a down and a little bit more of a depressing song. Yeah. But the public in the years since have taken it on to be more of a celebratory song, a celebration of life. And that's just what happens with hello. But my question to you, if you don't mind me asking your question or two. Sure. Donkey. Listen, I would love to know. What is your what was your method of communication on your planet? He would have that.

SPEAKER_01 41:30

Whoa, we it's mostly telepathic. Oh. Telewhat? Telepathic.

SPEAKER_05 41:37

Wait, do you? Telepathic? Does that bum you out, Alexander?

SPEAKER_03 41:40

It just light years beyond what I was ever capable of. It's incredible to hear. I wish.

SPEAKER_05 41:44

You know, this is something interesting about both of you. Yeah. Because Alexander, I feel it has been very um, he's comparing himself to a lot of inventions that came after him, like stuff crust pizza. And you, I I know you're not from the future, but you're probably from a uh a planet that has different technology than us. That's probably more impressive.

SPEAKER_01 42:03

Yes, but definitely.

SPEAKER_05 42:04

Yeah. What are some inventions on your planet now that you've seen what Earth is like?

SPEAKER_01 42:10

A spaceship. Spaceship's big. It's pretty a big one. Yeah, it's a big one. Yeah, it's a big thing.

SPEAKER_05 42:16

So pizza lazy boy spaceship phone.

SPEAKER_00 42:19

You go lazy boy above spaceship.

SPEAKER_05 42:21

Spaceship first, because spaceship can have lazy boy in it. And then lazy boy.

SPEAKER_00 42:25

Well, spaceship can have anything in it.

SPEAKER_01 42:26

Kind of. We have pizza in it. We have one. We we have the game of golf on our planet. Yeah. But we only use one club.

SPEAKER_00 42:36

Well, does it does it take different forms?

SPEAKER_01 42:40

No. It just works for everything.

SPEAKER_05 42:42

That's honestly very efficient. I mean, because did Scotland invent golf?

SPEAKER_03 42:46

The birthplace of Scott Golf. Yes. Donkey. Great. Donkey.

SPEAKER_05 42:51

Donkey. Golf. Donkey.

SPEAKER_03 42:53

Donkey. Yes. It's a course. Yes, yes, yes.

SPEAKER_05 42:58

Because there's so many um golf courses called like St. Andrews or things like that.

SPEAKER_00 43:02

And the name And that's Scottish. Okay, gotcha, gotcha. St. Andrews is Scottish. It's gotta be. Yes, it's got to be. And none of but none of the majors are in Scotland, right? For the PGA? No. That's yes. Yes or no? Which one? I'll say the open. No. The openness, the open championship is in Scotland.

SPEAKER_05 43:23

Are you a golf fan? How are you paying attention to Earth Sports?

SPEAKER_01 43:27

Listen, since I died and I died in Vegas, and these guys beat me with golf clubs, I had to figure out. Did you karate them? Or yeah. Did you make karate at them? I well, yeah, once they started swinging golf clubs. First, I was doing my karate by myself. Yeah. I was I was just practicing of karate.

SPEAKER_00 43:51

Well, I you did say you were you were posturing.

SPEAKER_01 43:55

It was posturing. That didn't work very well, though. And it didn't work. They came at me. With golf clubs.

SPEAKER_05 44:01

It's interesting because the U.S.

SPEAKER_00 44:02

government's coming at you with golf clubs.

SPEAKER_05 44:04

We were having a conversation on whether they were complicit in your death, and I would say they are solely to blame.

SPEAKER_00 44:10

I would agree. I would agree. It seems like it's their fault. I was trying to give them every benefit of the doubt. The U.S. government, you do not need to give the benefit of the doubt.

SPEAKER_03 44:17

Hey, uh before you admit your demise in Vegas, did you get to see the blue man group? Let me adjust my eyes.

SPEAKER_01 44:24

Please. The blue man group. Yes. Oh no. No! I never got to see the blue man.

SPEAKER_05 44:31

Are you are you asking that because he can turn blue? He kind of looks like he could be Ixnay. In the blue. Well, both of you kind of look like both of you kind of look like you could be in the How do you mean?

SPEAKER_00 44:46

What are you saying? Because we would be excellent drummers, I assume is what you're saying, right? Is that what you mean?

SPEAKER_03 44:52

Um no. It's a I believe it's because only one of us would have a real use for the shampoo of conditional combination in this for summer.

SPEAKER_05 45:01

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 45:02

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 45:03

Okay. Now the US government beat you to death with golf box. And I'm wondering, are you certain that they knew you were an alien?

SPEAKER_05 45:12

Yeah, they do that to people all the time.

SPEAKER_00 45:15

Is that what you mean? That is kind of what I'm implying. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 45:18

It's entirely possible. If they thought you were an alien, you would have been hoisted onto a cushion and celebrated. But if they thought you were a person, and not to be political, you chose a type of person that gets targeted by the US government a lot. Damn.

SPEAKER_01 45:31

I didn't want to say you chose, I guess, our most targeted race.

SPEAKER_05 45:40

I don't mean to.

SPEAKER_01 45:43

My god. You all are onto something.

SPEAKER_05 45:46

I really hate to be onto something.

SPEAKER_01 45:47

Yeah. I didn't weigh in all the factors. You just you would not have known.

SPEAKER_00 45:54

You came to the planet, you thought hi, Melanin count. That's that's is so logic. You did not know unless maybe you were aware of the societal uh implications. Barry White always seemed so happy.

SPEAKER_05 46:05

That could be misleading if that's your gauge.

SPEAKER_00 46:09

I was saying he's fucking lying. You know, when he's singing, it's a lie.

SPEAKER_03 46:12

And we all know some of our greatest clowns are also our saddest. It's true. Robin Williams.

SPEAKER_04 46:20

Very sad. Very sad.

SPEAKER_00 46:22

Extreme Bozo. Bozo was very scary.

SPEAKER_04 46:25

John Wayne Gacy. One of our greatest clowns.

SPEAKER_03 46:30

One of our greatest clowns. Really sad. The only thing that could have made him scarier is clown makeup, I'd imagine.

SPEAKER_05 46:36

Yeah, I mean, well.

SPEAKER_00 46:38

We have learned that he is up here around. And uh Reka has said in the past that I do give John Wayne Gacy vibes. Yeah. You do.

SPEAKER_03 46:47

Yeah. I couldn't put my finger on it. You agree.

SPEAKER_00 46:53

You agree? I said it. And what? I know you agree, but how do you why do you agree?

SPEAKER_01 46:57

A little sad. I'm a little sad. It's inside you.

SPEAKER_05 47:01

Are you also trying to do a Scottish accent?

SPEAKER_01 47:03

Oh. Don't get it. It's my chameleon. That's incredible.

SPEAKER_05 47:11

You know, we never got word. How did you die, Alexander Graham?

SPEAKER_00 47:14

Oh, that's a good question.

SPEAKER_03 47:16

Can I be honest with you? We love nothing more. I died in America. In the place that was soon to become but not was yet in Las Vegas.

SPEAKER_05 47:32

That is crazy. I feel sick.

SPEAKER_02 47:35

That's crazy.

SPEAKER_05 47:36

Wow. There's no way you would murder it at Area 51. That would be crazy.

SPEAKER_03 47:42

I was at Area 51. I had just traveled from what would become New York, New York. And made my way to what then became New Amsterdam. Area 51. New York, New York, the hotel and casino.

SPEAKER_06 47:59

Sorry.

SPEAKER_05 48:00

Got it. I was gonna say. It was like New Amsterdam when you were there.

SPEAKER_00 48:04

New York was around.

SPEAKER_05 48:05

Battle of the Roses.

SPEAKER_00 48:06

I don't know. From the from the hotel.

SPEAKER_05 48:08

Hotel New York, New York, like circumstances.

SPEAKER_03 48:10

Yes, the more the more famous one. Yes of the two locations. But then traveled to what became Area 51, where he met me devies. In fact, if I'm not mistaken, I was crushed. What? By a large object.

SPEAKER_05 48:26

No. Was it identified or unidentified? Was it identified or unidentified?

SPEAKER_01 48:31

It was unidentified. No. I'm sorry, man. No. I'm really sorry.

SPEAKER_05 48:37

You didn't know you hit a person?

SPEAKER_01 48:39

I had no idea. The spaceship is going so fast and it's so big. You don't know what else you get gotten away. Oh no.

SPEAKER_03 48:50

That's why my mind detector was going off like crazy right before the end.

SPEAKER_05 48:54

You should have pointed it up. I should have pointed it up.

SPEAKER_00 48:57

You would have seen. Oh you know what I hate about this is it's kind of making me take the U.S. government side. Why they should have beaten into that? Wait, what? Hey, hey. You are an impressive individual. You were creating things.

SPEAKER_03 49:10

I'm not cheese crushed.

SPEAKER_00 49:12

You are. I'm gonna give you more credit than you deserve. No.

SPEAKER_05 49:16

Take your flowers, Alexander.

SPEAKER_00 49:18

You invented the phone. You invented, you were helping people who had hearing difficulties. It's really cool. Anyone who kills you maybe deserves to get beaten to death with golf clubs, is all I'm saying.

SPEAKER_05 49:27

Unless I'll take it. Did you do anything really important on your planet?

SPEAKER_00 49:32

I really didn't.

SPEAKER_05 49:33

Currently, Alexander might be the most helpful.

SPEAKER_00 49:35

I just said I really didn't.

SPEAKER_05 49:37

Cool. All right. Well, that's that, I guess.

SPEAKER_00 49:40

Well, you know what? Early uh when I when I was doing my uh interviews for the combine, I was asked the question what was the best thing I did while I was alive? Um, and I had a shitty answer, but I'd love to hear what a combine?

SPEAKER_05 49:52

I'm do you know what a combine is?

SPEAKER_03 49:54

A combine is like a for a pretzel cheese in the middle combo.

SPEAKER_05 49:58

Oh combo.

SPEAKER_03 49:59

Oh combos again. Yeah, unbelievable.

SPEAKER_05 50:02

Unreal. Okay, combo self crest pizza kind of hyphen combos because it's a similar idea.

SPEAKER_00 50:09

Similar idea.

SPEAKER_05 50:10

Pizza combos.

SPEAKER_00 50:12

I I'm trying out for the I'm in the process of trying out for the afterlife football league as a kick as a kicker. Uh oof, you gotta set your sights higher, son. Well, we learned that CT is it follows you into the afterlife. So most d you can kind of get rid of, but uh is kicker not a respected position?

SPEAKER_01 50:32

I mean, you really only come in the game twice. Yeah, but it could be for a big deal. But it could be for a big deal. Game winnership, not really a part of the team.

SPEAKER_05 50:42

Do they get paid at the same amount?

SPEAKER_01 50:43

If they're really good, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 50:45

So then why isn't it respected if they're really, really good? They're not doing a whole lot. I'm just trying to understand how you can be good at something.

SPEAKER_00 50:51

Okay, what's the best thing you did while your life? You said you did nothing in your plan. What was the best thing you did while your life? Yeah, I got my driver's license.

SPEAKER_05 51:02

Well, it should be rescinded, right?

SPEAKER_01 51:04

Yeah, it's now did you get it or did you earn it? Did somebody maybe work? Did you buy it? Did you do it? My dad was a cop.

SPEAKER_05 51:14

Your dad was a cop? Yes. Do you have cops on your planet?

SPEAKER_00 51:18

Of course. ACAP, alien cops are bastards.

SPEAKER_05 51:21

I thought you were gonna say our best.

SPEAKER_01 51:25

Of course. You think we don't have crime on our we have to keep things in order.

SPEAKER_05 51:30

And it does. It keeps it in order.

SPEAKER_01 51:33

Yes. Oh for the mo for the for the most part. Okay.

SPEAKER_05 51:40

Yeah, I didn't know cops would go so far into the galaxy.

SPEAKER_00 51:45

Yeah. Yeah, I wish they ended here. And I wish they ended here.

SPEAKER_01 51:49

Well, they don't.

SPEAKER_00 51:51

Okay, so your dad kind of gave you the end and got you a driver's license.

SPEAKER_01 51:56

You gave me a driver's license. And I had to get away. Because I wasn't doing anything or making anything of myself.

SPEAKER_00 52:03

So that's why you crash landed. Because you didn't actually have any driving skills. Yes. But where you fucking killed Alexander Granville.

SPEAKER_05 52:11

But a middle-aged alien buys his license, but crashes into one of the greatest inventors on earth. I'm fucking pissed. On fucking developing our ass earth.

SPEAKER_00 52:21

Wow, are you selling to this guy?

SPEAKER_01 52:23

It was a five-year trip, and I didn't hit anything until I landed.

SPEAKER_00 52:29

Okay, landing's probably the hardest part. He still killed one of our beloveds. I know he was. That was really bad.

SPEAKER_01 52:36

That was really bad. And I do feel bad about that.

SPEAKER_03 52:39

And I'm sorry. Well, I appreciate it. Please, just tell me. To make it all the worthwhile. Did you get to see Carrot Top? No.

SPEAKER_01 52:52

Don't get to see Carrot Top.

SPEAKER_03 52:55

He's there like every night of the week.

SPEAKER_05 52:57

Is Carrot Top on your list of like inventions that we've done that are good?

SPEAKER_00 53:01

He's the tippy top of it all. I thought he was gonna die young, and he is sticking it out. So it'll be a while till he comes out.

SPEAKER_03 53:07

I can't believe he's listening as a comedian, not as an inventor.

SPEAKER_00 53:11

That is so he's a prophet. It's mostly true. Do you have any favorites?

SPEAKER_03 53:16

Oh yes, I do.

SPEAKER_00 53:18

What's your favorite of Topps props?

SPEAKER_03 53:20

Oh, it's the one where he um It's a suitcase. Uh-huh. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 53:24

It's a suitcase that uh that's what has the suitcase is is what's carrying the props.

SPEAKER_03 53:29

Oh, I guess that's what I like about it.

SPEAKER_05 53:31

You like that he's props aren't loose and they're in a case.

SPEAKER_03 53:34

They're all contained.

SPEAKER_05 53:35

You know, I guess that is nice. He's organized.

SPEAKER_00 53:38

Yeah, showing up more with a garbage bag full of shit. Could you imagine if he was just showing up with a garbage bag full of shit?

SPEAKER_05 53:43

I mean, it wouldn't look professional, right?

SPEAKER_00 53:45

Not at all. Nobody's booking him in Las Vegas.

SPEAKER_05 53:47

He could use shampoo conditioner combination. Oh he's quite a lot of hair.

SPEAKER_00 53:51

He certainly does.

SPEAKER_03 53:52

He certainly does. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 53:54

That's nice. Are you upset because we called you out for murdering somebody? I feel like you're past about that. Well, it didn't make me happy. Well, I'm sure it didn't make Alexander Graham Bell happy. I understand.

SPEAKER_05 54:05

It's just you're centering your experience, Cletus, when it's really Alexander Graham Bell that had the experience that you did to him. And I know you apologize, so I don't want to say that there's no such thing as restorative justice, but it's just like I just want to make sure that you two leave the show and it feels like there's a relationship there. It's not like bad blood. Like we hate to create bad blood on the show.

SPEAKER_00 54:25

That's true, that's true.

SPEAKER_03 54:26

Hey, did you ever hear it when uh the Mighty Mighty Boston's um covered Jimi Hendrix's Are You Experienced album?

SPEAKER_05 54:35

No, I I didn't know that that happened.

SPEAKER_03 54:37

It did, and it was lovely. Is that a scar?

SPEAKER_05 54:40

Yeah, it's um did you ever see the movie Goodburger? Think about like every song on that album.

SPEAKER_00 54:45

Did you ever see it? Right. I don't think I ever saw Good Burger.

SPEAKER_05 54:48

Is that Psycho? What you've sorry, you two have seen Goodburger. You guys love Goodburger that much. Sorry.

SPEAKER_00 54:57

Is it Keenan or Cal? Which one does it for me?

SPEAKER_05 54:59

Why do you have to choose? And it's Cal.

SPEAKER_00 55:02

What do you mean? Why do you have to choose that it's Cal?

SPEAKER_05 55:05

I I found Cal so charming as a kid. I was like, he's the funniest man on planet Earth.

SPEAKER_01 55:10

All right, who's yours? Who what did you which do you prefer? Yeah, when I when I was young, yeah. You're a Cal guy? Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 55:16

Cal leaves it all on the floor.

SPEAKER_01 55:17

Yeah, that's true.

SPEAKER_05 55:18

What about you?

SPEAKER_02 55:18

Oh, Cal all the way.

unknown 55:21

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 55:21

The book of Cal's. Oh, that's Ireland. Ah, I'm a Keenan guy, so maybe I'm just I'm just Keenan is like Keenan is for people who like when they watch, they like like a steady, reliable player. Like Keenan is so reliably funny all the time, of course.

SPEAKER_03 55:40

I hope he never retires from SNL.

SPEAKER_05 55:42

I think he's one of the funniest people on SNL.

SPEAKER_03 55:44

I hope he stays there forever.

SPEAKER_00 55:45

I totally agree. Uh to see a seven-year-old Keenan so gonna eat. Exactly.

SPEAKER_05 55:49

I mean, he's so funny. Kel is just like a wild card. Yeah, Kel was like Kel appealed to the part of me that like I have a crush on like the naughty kid in class.

SPEAKER_00 55:57

You know, like Kel is like that's probably why you had a crush on him for briefly. Kel is a bad boy. You're saying he get the vibe that is bad boy.

SPEAKER_05 56:05

He was a bad boy. He's like taking orange soda from the from tree. Everything from everything that he's tapping a tree, getting the orange soda out. He's crazy.

SPEAKER_00 56:12

He's crazy. Okay. Maybe I'll check out good burger while I'm up here.

SPEAKER_05 56:15

It's great. It's great. Um and then they made a second one.

SPEAKER_00 56:18

And sequel, nobody's seen it. I didn't see the book. I didn't see the sequel. Seems like nobody's seen it. Didn't check that out.

SPEAKER_02 56:23

Better burger?

SPEAKER_05 56:25

Great burger? Great burger.

SPEAKER_02 56:26

Great burger. Great burger. Or good hot dog. Oh, you ought to have a good hot dog. Good, good cheese stuff pizza. Oh. Good cheese stuff, Pipa. Good cheese pop pee pop.

SPEAKER_05 56:36

Well, guys, I again I don't want to leave any bad blood between you two.

SPEAKER_00 56:40

Yeah, do you guys feel like things are saddled?

SPEAKER_03 56:42

Yes. I feel good. I feel great. In fact, I feel closer to you than I ever have, except for that moment where we were smashed into one another.

SPEAKER_06 56:50

Yeah, except where he killed you.

SPEAKER_01 56:51

Ironic, ain't it? It's certainly the closest that we could have ever been. Yeah, that's that's about as far apart as you could have. I don't know if it's ironic.

SPEAKER_05 57:00

Is it ironic if you kill someone and go, that's the closest we've been?

SPEAKER_00 57:04

Somebody is stabbing you.

SPEAKER_05 57:05

Yeah, that would be an Atlantis Morset kind of, if you're familiar.

SPEAKER_03 57:14

I think we all know Jagged Little Pill, backwards and forwards.

SPEAKER_04 57:18

Wow. Wow.

SPEAKER_03 57:20

That's the Dave Coulier album. Yeah. That's how you refer to it?

SPEAKER_05 57:25

I don't think that's how she'd like it to be referred to. It's kind of crazy that that has overshadowed one of the greatest karaoke songs you could ever sing.

SPEAKER_03 57:34

Which is.

SPEAKER_05 57:35

Uh, you ought to know.

SPEAKER_03 57:36

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I think one hand in my pocket is mine.

SPEAKER_05 57:40

It is?

SPEAKER_00 57:41

That's my sort of-to karaoke song?

SPEAKER_01 57:43

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_00 57:44

Cletus, what's your go to karaoke song?

SPEAKER_01 57:46

My darling. Can't get enough of your love, baby. I don't know how, I don't know why. Can't get enough of your love, baby.

SPEAKER_05 58:01

I can see why you thought Earth was awesome. That was like your experience of it. It's like, wow, it's just people loving each other and they can't get enough of it.

SPEAKER_00 58:10

Yeah. And you know what? There are times on Earth where it did feel like that. And I hope that we can create that up here again. I do too. So if you have any parties that you guys have coming up or anything like that, feel free to just shoot them away.

SPEAKER_05 58:20

I think we're on a partiful together for something.

SPEAKER_01 58:22

Yeah, we'll let you know.

SPEAKER_00 58:24

Is that right?

SPEAKER_05 58:24

Yeah, I think it's like a we're watching Eurovision or something.

SPEAKER_00 58:27

Yeah, we'll get at you, Chief. You're watching Eurovision. The movie or the actual?

SPEAKER_05 58:31

The show.

SPEAKER_00 58:32

Okay. Well, I'm boycotting it this year.

SPEAKER_05 58:35

Oh, sorry, we're watching a No Israel Eurovision.

SPEAKER_00 58:40

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 58:41

Is that why you were boycotting it? Okay. Yeah, yeah. Oh, we're watching the No Israel. Oh, you're watching the No Israel.

SPEAKER_00 58:45

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 58:47

They just dropped her.

SPEAKER_00 58:47

They got access to that up here. That's great. Yep.

SPEAKER_05 58:52

Well, they say you only live once, but then there's the afterlife. I'm Rika Shunker.

SPEAKER_00 58:57

And I'm Lloyd Mansoor.

SPEAKER_05 58:59

And we're dad.