What's our Podcast? - Scott - Episode 12

This is "What's our Podcast?" where your Host, Mollie, asks her guests a simple question; if you and I were to have a Podcast what would it be?

Today, she answers that question with Scott, a gentleman with a storied life that's hard to summarize here. You have to check it out this cyclone of comedy chaos!

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Hi, welcome to What's Our Podcast? I'm your host, Molly Howie, and today we'll be sitting down with a friend or a family member or maybe somebody I don't even know. And we'll be discussing what our possible podcast could be. It's just so fancy. Get into it. We like to make it we like to make our guests feel like we're professionals. Don't laugh so hard.

SPEAKER_00 0:29

We're giggling for so long now. It's just it's just gonna happen. I know.

SPEAKER_02 0:33

Are you ready? I'm gonna do my little intro and we're good to go.

SPEAKER_00 0:36

We're good to go.

SPEAKER_02 0:37

All right. Um hey guys, welcome to What's Our Podcast? Uh, my guest today is Scott. Just Scott. We're gonna leave his last name out of this. Um, a list of jobs that I've known you to have. I believe you've been a server in FB of some form. Uh you're an artist. I know that's a hard word to take, but you're old enough now to accept it. Uh school bus driver, which is probably my favorite job, just because I'm fascinated by school bus drivers. And I feel like you were a manny? Nanny Manny?

SPEAKER_00 1:20

I never looked at it.

SPEAKER_02 1:20

Did you consider that a job?

SPEAKER_00 1:22

I never looked at it as a job. Okay. Other people have.

SPEAKER_02 1:24

You're a dad.

SPEAKER_00 1:25

I I'm a co-parent.

SPEAKER_02 1:27

Co-parent. Oh, I like co-parent.

SPEAKER_00 1:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:29

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:29

With uh my two friends, Jessica and Carmel.

SPEAKER_02 1:32

Yeah. I like that.

SPEAKER_00 1:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:34

Okay. Co-parent. That's better than I mean. It's better than most dads consider it. A lot of dads are like, I'm babysitting, and you're like, no, I'm co-parenting.

SPEAKER_00 1:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:45

You're like, no, I'm also.

SPEAKER_00 1:47

I I was in the mix every day. I love that. Since they were born.

SPEAKER_02 1:50

I love that. All right. Well, welcome, Scott.

SPEAKER_00 1:53

Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 1:54

Welcome to what's our podcast.

SPEAKER_00 1:55

What's our podcast? Did we rename it already? No.

SPEAKER_02 1:58

I mean, we can we did come up with a name and it could set the tone for where we might go, or we could leave it and give it to him at the end. Let's leave it. He's like, let's never speak it out loud. Just want to get it closer to your face, like your mom.

SPEAKER_00 2:16

Mine was more rebukes than that, but I'm gonna get it.

SPEAKER_02 2:19

You're holding back. I know you're holding back. So um I'm sure there's like 30 other jobs there were that you've had.

SPEAKER_00 2:28

Yeah. I I one time listed how many places I I lived. I worked, I listed how many jobs I've had, and I I listed other things. And but the the jobs I've had like 78. A lot of them restaurant business. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 2:46

So like I would just say F and B is like Yeah. Under that umbrella, there's probably been probably 50 of those jobs. Maybe not 50.

SPEAKER_00 2:56

Probably, but the qualification I had to work that for a week to get it.

SPEAKER_02 3:00

What's the job that I didn't list that's uh your favorite? Or the most entertaining?

SPEAKER_00 3:08

Most entertaining has to be the bus, right?

SPEAKER_02 3:10

Or the school bus. I mean, you that's just you're writing jokes left and right with a school bus.

SPEAKER_00 3:16

Yeah, just every day.

SPEAKER_02 3:18

I just I don't know if I could pay attention to the road because I'd be too fascinated by the culture happening on the school bus. Like, is there a lot of stuff happening between the kids?

SPEAKER_00 3:30

You you have to pay attention to the road.

SPEAKER_02 3:32

Well, no, I know you have to, but I'm saying that's why I'm not a school bus driver.

SPEAKER_00 3:36

I I fight to pay attention to the to the road. Yeah. Right? Because it's just because there's too much happening. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 3:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:43

Like within a hundred yards, I had uh a popcorn fight because they gave them popcorn bags before they got on. Someone retaliated with glitter, someone was kneeling on one of the seats and banging with her fist onto the seat. Another kid catapulted a kid across the aisle into another seat because she didn't want to sit with her anymore. And one kid was playing hot lava. And I was on a I was on a big road and I was like, I can't pull over here, you know.

SPEAKER_02 4:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:11

And I was like, Stop it!

SPEAKER_02 4:15

Do you have like a megaphone? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:17

Oh yeah. Okay. And and it and either you punch it all the way to the dial and it crackles, it goes. Which I use to my extent. I go, and then the next day you go, thank you! And they freak out every day.

SPEAKER_02 4:36

Do you do you think that your kids like you as your school bus driver?

SPEAKER_00 4:40

Last year was my my best year. I've only been doing it for a few years. Yeah. Um, but I told, I said, if you don't behave, I'm gonna tell you the world's boring story. And it was me tying my shoes, and I was stuck in traffic for the first 10 minutes. So I could like really, and it was me putting my shoes on in the morning, but I never got past putting my socks on. And I would be like, and then I couldn't choose, don't want dick, don't want then. And I would constantly yawn while I was doing it, to the point where I couldn't stop yawning myself. And so every time they I'm like ready for the next installment.

SPEAKER_02 5:21

The world's boring story. Are you a sock, shoe, sock shoe, or sock, sock, shoe, shoe?

SPEAKER_00 5:29

Sock, sock, shoe shoe. But so I got to the point where um I had the socks on and I looked in the mirror, and I knew those socks were from the past because the information from my eyeballs to the mirror to my feet back to the mirror, back to my eye. I didn't wear want to wear socks of the past, so I took them off. And as they're walking off, I'm like, Did you understand the concept? Did you understand the concept? Because they're kindergarten to fit. Yeah, yeah. And the last girl says, bye, bye, pass, Scott. I was like, Oh, she got it. Because she knew that I was from the past and the information, so that was a win.

SPEAKER_02 6:10

That's so funny. That one kid.

SPEAKER_00 6:12

Yeah, just one. I I that's all you need. That's all you need one to get it. The other kids will wonder about what I was saying the rest of their lives, and it's all good. That's a joke. Yeah, but yeah, it's it's it's uh it's a good bus.

SPEAKER_02 6:24

God, kindergarten to fifth grade.

SPEAKER_00 6:28

They are they are unsocialized in kindergarten.

SPEAKER_02 6:31

Yeah, did you ever watch that show recess? Do you know that? It's a cartoon. Oh, I think because you're an elementary school bus driver, you should definitely um check it out because it's about a group of elementary school kids during recess. And whenever they show the kindergartners, it's like the natives. Like they are full on, like half their clothes are ripped off, they've got like stakes, and like they're they're fighting. Like everybody stays away from the kindergartners because they're like those they will tear you apart.

SPEAKER_00 7:10

So my seatbelt strap is behind my left shoulder, right? And I'm making a left-hand turn, and it's like a little downline, and it's curves. So it's really a hard maneuver. And there's a kindergarten kid behind me just taking the strap and pulling me around my neck, and I'm like, he almost killed us all. I just and I look back at him, he's just smiling, like he's being funny as shit. And I'm like, dude, I I love your energy, but that's that's the most inappropriate time.

SPEAKER_02 7:51

That's the problem time for it. You know, that kid's probably almost killed his family more than once.

SPEAKER_00 7:57

Oh, yeah, no doubt. He's he he was on fire. He was on fire. You know, and you see like the personalities of all the the kids, and you're like, oh, that kid's gonna, that kid's smart, that kid's an asshole, that kid.

SPEAKER_02 8:14

Oh yeah, you can you know you know, you know pretty much immediately what's going on with kids.

SPEAKER_00 8:19

Hopefully the middle years don't destroy them because I also do the the middle high school, and you see the transformation. Oh and the middle school kids are so afraid of anything anybody says, and then the high school kids are kind of coming into their own. Yeah, you know, but that that middle school years is trepidatious for them to go through.

SPEAKER_02 8:41

Middle school's the hardest. I remember middle school, and it was hard, like yeah, it does either make you or break you.

SPEAKER_00 8:50

Yeah. I I I had a hard middle school.

SPEAKER_02 8:54

Yeah. Where did you where did you go to school? Where were where did you grow up?

SPEAKER_00 8:59

I was born in Queens. Okay. And then I grew up out on the island, but it was like, you know, the Long Island culture hadn't taken over yet. Like high rocks and transams were just coming out.

SPEAKER_03 9:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:12

Gold chains were just becoming a thing out there.

SPEAKER_03 9:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:15

You know, so it wasn't like Long Island culture, it was more um just suburbian.

SPEAKER_02 9:20

Suburban.

SPEAKER_00 9:21

There were farms out there still, you know.

SPEAKER_02 9:23

Oh yeah, forget Long Island just had like farmland and yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:27

But my neighborhood, we had riots there. We were yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:33

It was Can I ask what year what year did you graduate from high school? Can I ask that question? 81. 81. Yeah. That's a different place than it is now.

SPEAKER_00 9:46

Oh yeah. For sure. Oh yeah. I I go back and I'm like, my my neighborhood is still because it was sort of like um what do you call that? The housing Levitown.

SPEAKER_01 9:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:59

It wasn't Levitown, but it was like based on that, you know.

SPEAKER_01 10:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:03

And it's just quick put up uh a shell, put the floor down, there's no insulation, and yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:10

So good times in Latin.

SPEAKER_00 10:13

We're almost um we're almost uh moving to the wealthy side of the community because my dad was a banker when I was a kid. Oh and then he got involved with the mob. And fascinating. He lent money to somebody illegally and then played around with hiding the money inside the bank. He was a banking genius.

SPEAKER_02 10:41

Did he keep it hidden?

SPEAKER_00 10:43

For a year until the debts came and he's like, we gotta do something. They're like, We're gonna rob the bank. And so he went along with it.

SPEAKER_02 10:53

Your dad robbed a bank?

SPEAKER_00 10:54

He's a bank robber. So are you being serious? I know we never know. So um I can't believe I'm telling this story, but anyway. So uh he basically um went along with it. I don't know how much money he took. Yeah, and then they came in and they said, All right, you know, we're going to um we're going to uh take you from your house, we'll put a car down there, and we're gonna tell the story that you were not a compliant. Yeah, that we force you because we're gonna kill your family. Yeah. So day of, they're like, Bill, you're you're a narcissistic, weak man. And if you don't do what we say, we're really gonna kill your family. So they went to the bank, they it was the biggest bank robbery in Long Island at the time.

SPEAKER_01 11:49

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 11:50

And they left him tied up in the woods. They almost cut they almost killed him because they thought he would be weak and go to the police.

SPEAKER_02 11:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:59

And um clearly he didn't because you're still alive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So um everything happened that way. And about a year later, two of the soldiers from the mob got caught doing something else. And so they turned coin on my dad and the situation. Then he told them how he did it, and then he was never allowed to work in banks again.

SPEAKER_02 12:24

But that's it, that's all he got?

SPEAKER_00 12:26

Yeah, he didn't do any time.

SPEAKER_02 12:27

You just you don't get to be a banker anymore.

SPEAKER_00 12:29

You don't get to be a banker anymore.

SPEAKER_02 12:31

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 12:32

I remember the FBI coming to our house and us having to leave each room, and they would search the room for money and stuff like that.

unknown 12:41

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 12:41

So that's like 1970.

SPEAKER_02 12:44

Fascinating. So then what did your dad do if he wasn't a banker?

SPEAKER_00 12:48

He became a house cleaner.

SPEAKER_02 12:50

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 12:51

And then in high school he ran. And then me and my mom got really close at that point.

SPEAKER_02 12:58

So talk about how close you are with your mom. Scott and I have a problem. We should just tell the listeners now in case it comes out. We tell really horrible jokes to each other that most people would find very inappropriate.

SPEAKER_00 13:12

Very.

SPEAKER_02 13:15

I think we could do it. I think we can make an hour without making a your mom joke.

SPEAKER_00 13:20

Yeah. We weren't that close. She's behind me all the way.

SPEAKER_01 13:36

So Scott.

SPEAKER_02 13:42

I can't. Um I was trying to think. Like, I can't really remember how we met. I just know. It would have been through Johnny.

SPEAKER_00 13:55

Probably. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:57

Or it would have been through Skinful.

SPEAKER_00 14:02

I don't I don't remember.

SPEAKER_02 14:04

I don't either. Were you here in 98?

SPEAKER_00 14:08

No, I I got here in 2006.

SPEAKER_02 14:10

Okay, so I met you when I came back. Uh, because I moved back in 2005. So I would have met you when you moved here.

SPEAKER_00 14:19

Like my first memory is you like really, hey, I like this person, was that skinful.

SPEAKER_01 14:26

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:27

And it was and it was before like we were setting up. Like I think you were volunteering.

SPEAKER_02 14:31

Yeah, I would always try and get my foot in that door. It's the best party of the year.

SPEAKER_00 14:37

It's the best party. I I've been the I was the art director for a little bit of. And by art director, I mean I just try to corral my friends into doing stuff for free.

SPEAKER_02 14:49

Yeah. Making giant vaginas and whatever else we're creating.

SPEAKER_00 14:55

Um I made that giant vagina entrance. Oh, yeah. Mirror balls.

SPEAKER_02 15:00

The mirror ball. That was the that was a good one.

SPEAKER_00 15:02

Yeah. I don't know if anybody got it, but it made me laugh like crazy.

SPEAKER_02 15:09

That's all that matters. Um, you know, we brought the the penis that you made. We brought it back out of retirement this year.

SPEAKER_03 15:16

Oh, you did?

SPEAKER_02 15:17

For Tippy. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 15:18

Nice.

SPEAKER_02 15:19

So for Skinfall, well, you know, I always do the nippy nippy long stockings. So when John and I got together, we did Tippy and you created this beautiful faux penis for him.

SPEAKER_00 15:31

Do you remember this?

SPEAKER_02 15:31

Yeah, yeah. It glows in the dark.

SPEAKER_00 15:33

It glows in the dark too. Did I make it glow in the dark?

SPEAKER_02 15:35

Yeah, you use the neon, the black light paint on it. So when he gets in a black light. What's funny is I um uh the first year we did the costume, I don't think I really left his side very much because we were in the woods, so I didn't have to like go anywhere to do anything because we're just in the woods, you could do anything wherever you were. Um, and then this year we brought the costumes back, and it's over there at the building 64, and I would skitter around and leave John alone, and then I would turn around and just see him by so far this penis sticking off his pants. And he's just like staring at the band, smoking a cigarette. Some it's inevitably, some young girl would walk by and look at him and be like, and he goes, It makes more sense when my wife is here.

SPEAKER_00 16:33

I can see John's face doing that.

SPEAKER_02 16:36

He just like, please, I promise I'm harmless. It's just that she shouldn't leave me alone.

SPEAKER_00 16:43

So I made that backdrop of like different colors and it undulates. Yeah. And then I I read somewhere that when you see a spinning disc and you stare at it for 30 seconds, you know, it's got, you know, um the uh your eyes just lose focus and just your vision goes back and forth and and things move around.

SPEAKER_03 17:07

Right, right.

SPEAKER_00 17:08

So I did the stage and I and I put a big brain that I made out of of um styrofoam. Yeah. And it was like four feet, and then I put two coke straws going up to it, and then I built out all these monsters painting on the side, but I put Adam and Eve on top, sort of touching the brain, and they had he had spinning penises and she had spinning uh vaginas. Yeah, and so if people looked at that, then they looked at the painting, it'd be like even worse for their the drugs that he took.

SPEAKER_01 17:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:42

And I had like a cow, and the cow was turned around, so coming out of its ass was uh mushrooms and spinning around, so it was like eating and eating and shitting it, eating and shitting it for the peanut. So for that year, I dressed up and I put you want this on my shirt, and then I had a spinning thing where my penis was.

SPEAKER_01 18:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:10

So people would be like, You want this penis? It was just a joke, and then some 16-year-old girl or some younger girl is like, No, I don't. I was like, Of course you don't.

SPEAKER_01 18:23

It's a joke. Nobody really attended this whole point, except for your mom's mom.

SPEAKER_00 18:29

There we go, it's opened. Just like my ass.

SPEAKER_02 18:37

I don't even know how we got on to this last year. But I think we spent that entire week you were here last year just talking about you and your mom having sex with each other.

SPEAKER_00 18:48

Well, we were watching holiday Hallmark Christmas movies, and I think that's really it is it is Christmas movie time.

SPEAKER_02 18:55

I've already watched two Christmas movies so far.

SPEAKER_00 18:59

So yeah. But we went to dark places on that.

SPEAKER_02 19:04

We did.

SPEAKER_01 19:06

I don't know if we can get it's really hard once you hear what to hear it in your head.

SPEAKER_00 19:16

Yeah. So yeah, skinful's nice.

SPEAKER_02 19:21

Skinful's nice. Um, and you're here in town for culture clash, yeah. Which is the second best party.

SPEAKER_00 19:29

Yeah, it's an undertaking.

SPEAKER_02 19:31

Yeah, how many artists?

SPEAKER_00 19:34

We have we had 108, but I think it's down to 101 because people for some reason or other pull out it.

SPEAKER_02 19:42

Your mom doesn't.

SPEAKER_00 19:43

My mom doesn't. She full-on commits to getting me deep emotionally and physically.

SPEAKER_01 19:54

Oh, so 101.

SPEAKER_00 19:59

We have for the first time I know how many pieces we have, and it keeps adding every day. So we have uh 740 pieces to hang.

SPEAKER_01 20:08

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 20:08

And we still haven't built out the room yet. So we're gonna be doing that in two days.

SPEAKER_02 20:14

What else are you building in there?

SPEAKER_00 20:16

Uh we just gotta finish the walls where the art goes. I don't know why that's not the first thing that they do to make my life easier, because then we have to paint the walls or do something.

SPEAKER_02 20:25

Uh so but Are you finally covering all the corrugated walls? Is that we're talking about?

SPEAKER_00 20:33

No, no, no. Like the stripper poles from from uh from Skinful come in and then we just box them off and we hide the fact that that there's a stripper pole. Yeah, that it's a stripper pole. Yeah. And we just more surface to land on. Yeah. Because last year we didn't have that, we had something else, but it's an it's a massive amount of art.

SPEAKER_02 20:53

Yeah. And how many people are helping you?

SPEAKER_00 20:58

Right now I have like three people on my team that are really great. Yeah. They're really doing a lot of the extra lift. Yeah. Last year I did it by myself, basically. And this year I have Killiana, um Lloyd, and Marie. And they're just taking the um technical side of it.

SPEAKER_02 21:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:19

And and doing that.

SPEAKER_02 21:20

And a computer organization, and you can make the space look and feel cohesive.

SPEAKER_00 21:26

Right. And and and welcoming the artists and getting their work in. Because it used to be just like, hey, I love your stuff. Come with five pieces, come with some labels, and and we'll put it up. Yeah. And now it's like, let's build a computer website page for shops and QR codes and make it easier for the consumer. It's no longer just my friend. Yeah. Now it's you know it's a system. It's a system, but it's great.

SPEAKER_02 21:52

And people don't really think about how hard it is to hang that much art and make it look good.

SPEAKER_00 21:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:58

Like you can't. Just hang certain pieces next to each other. They're gonna clash. It's gonna look weird.

SPEAKER_00 22:04

It's gonna and even though it's culture clash, we can't do that. It's clashing with the styles.

SPEAKER_01 22:10

Right.

SPEAKER_00 22:10

So I I have one person who's there every year that let's just bang it out.

SPEAKER_01 22:15

Let's put it up.

SPEAKER_00 22:18

You can't do that, dude. You have to walk around. You don't have to feel it. There's gotta be certain pieces that are centerpieces. There's gotta be pieces that won't be lost next to it. So it's it's hanging a museum worth of art.

SPEAKER_02 22:35

In a week.

SPEAKER_00 22:36

And less than a week.

SPEAKER_02 22:37

Well, that's true, because you start Monday and it has to be up by Friday.

SPEAKER_00 22:40

Right. Like yesterday was a hundred artists came and dropped off work. Well, let's say 96. Four of them are coming on Friday, and I'm leaving spaces open for them.

SPEAKER_02 22:53

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_00 22:53

So I've got little pictures of their work and just taping that up and say this goes here. Now let's build around it.

SPEAKER_02 23:00

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:00

And um so fascinating. But now I think we got a lot more volunteers this year and a lot more people I can rely on. Last year, like there was three of us. There's three. There's John, there's me, Killiana, you know, sometimes Tim, Lloyd, you know, there were there were people there, yeah, but not full time.

SPEAKER_03 23:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:24

And people are saying, like, oh, I'm gonna take off work and help. I'm like, fantastic.

SPEAKER_03 23:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:29

So um weirdly relaxed a lot, you know.

SPEAKER_03 23:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:35

But it's it's good times doing it. Like that's that's the fun for me. The actual event it's not fun. Not fun, not fun at all. And back in the day when it was, you know, maybe 60 artists, yeah. You know, I could still create. Like we I did the Church of Sins out of the world.

SPEAKER_02 23:53

Yeah, you were like building structures and rooms and I I I just gave that to volunteers. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:59

Like I was like, some guy came in, he's like, I can frame it. I'm like, great, you know, this is what I think. And then he went and built this steeple with 26 feet high and then gave me, you know, uh uh the nave and and the entrance. Yeah, and then I just said this guy, an old friend of mine who's tripping on ecstasy, and his hands are all always curled that night at this party. So I made him the Jesus figure, and he's on cardboard, and I did all these cardboard paintings, so I made like the 16 chapels of all these uh indecencies, shall we say, yeah, and stained glass that I had, but other people fucking came in and staple gunned to the the wall, and we broke up alcohol boxes and spray can boxes to do it.

SPEAKER_02 24:48

So it's back in the Johnny Punt uh cardboard houses days, too, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 24:54

Yeah, yeah. The fantasy place. Yeah. Did you go to the Fantasy Place one in his yard?

SPEAKER_02 25:01

Yeah, yeah. I was there um, I think it was the last one uh Dwayne performed back when he was still DJing. Dwayne Mitchell.

SPEAKER_00 25:12

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:14

Um 616.

SPEAKER_00 25:17

So Dwayne Mitchell's sister, Sharon Mitchell, yeah, is um dated my ex-wife's brother. And so he moved to New York because he moved to New York because some girl threatened to kill him. And then he lived on my couch for like a month.

SPEAKER_02 25:43

It wasn't Sharon, I take it, that threatened to kill him.

SPEAKER_00 25:46

No, oh no, no, she's a sweetheart.

SPEAKER_02 25:48

Yeah, I know. I was like, there's not a Mitchell couldn't hurt her fly. Right.

SPEAKER_00 25:51

No, neither one, both of them. No bear hugs every time.

SPEAKER_02 25:55

Oh my god, that family fascinates me.

SPEAKER_00 25:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:58

I think there's like three sets of twins. Did you know that?

SPEAKER_00 26:02

No, I did not know that.

SPEAKER_02 26:03

Dwayne's a twin. Dwayne and his sister Vicky.

SPEAKER_00 26:07

I don't think I met Vicki.

SPEAKER_02 26:08

Vicki um bartended with him at Horse and Cart, bartended with him with him at Upper Deck, and went to 616 when he opened it. She is like maybe five two. And she and Dwayne are twins.

SPEAKER_00 26:26

Dwayne's a big boy.

SPEAKER_02 26:27

Yeah. Yeah, he's not five two. No. Yeah, there's like three sets of twins, I think, and one single.

SPEAKER_00 26:35

Right.

SPEAKER_02 26:36

In that family.

SPEAKER_00 26:38

Wow. That's that's incredible. Because in my family, the first two born on uh the 26th of different months, the next two are born on 11th of different months, and the next two are born on the 29th of months. So I'm thinking my mom was like, Bill, give it to me, it's the 11th. Let's switch it up, let's go for the 29th.

SPEAKER_02 27:00

There's six of you?

SPEAKER_00 27:01

Yeah. And one day I figured out that um they probably conceived on St. Patrick's, which makes perfect sense.

SPEAKER_02 27:11

Uh, they're Irish Catholic.

SPEAKER_00 27:12

Yeah, but I mean, you know, back then they didn't my mom was pregnant for ten straight years, and she just had miscarriages. So six of them kept.

SPEAKER_02 27:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:24

You know, the others um got out alive. Got uh got out alive without the situation of the house.

SPEAKER_02 27:36

Uh pain is funny. How an older title is that I I would agree with that statement.

SPEAKER_00 27:49

That that dark humor. Yeah, you know, just mash. Yeah. I loved that shimmer. I waited on him in New York.

SPEAKER_02 27:57

He's I he's hands down in like my top ten. I would probably lose my mind if I was in the same room with him.

SPEAKER_00 28:05

Yeah. The first time I bumped into him was uh the Barnes and Noble on 65th. Yeah. Right. And I was looking at something, and I think he was looking at something, and we both slammed into each other, literally bumped into each other. We both went flying. I went into the the village voice rack, he went into the the other rack on the other side of the in the vestibule, and he was like, Oh, I'm sorry. I'm like, oh no, I'm sorry. And then I walked out, I'm like, that voice, I know that voice. It's like, oh and then like a year later, he came into the restaurant, and I got a full-throated gaffaw out of him by telling him something like the specials were hot dogs at night in this fancy restaurant. He like leaned back and I was like, oh man, that is fantastic.

SPEAKER_02 28:56

God, I would have been able to die happy from that. I saw him on Broadway. He fascinates me.

SPEAKER_00 29:01

Yeah, he's great.

SPEAKER_02 29:03

He's so talented. He's still around.

SPEAKER_00 29:07

He I I bet you're not doing much anymore because it when he did a cameo in um They did a remake.

SPEAKER_02 29:17

Four seasons.

SPEAKER_00 29:18

Four seasons. I did see that.

SPEAKER_02 29:19

They did a remake of four seasons, and he does a cameo in it, and it just as soon as he walks into the frame, my heart was just like I mean, he's old, he can retire, he doesn't have to work anymore.

SPEAKER_00 29:34

So that restaurant was was oh, that's the one.

SPEAKER_02 29:38

Tell the story about your drawings.

SPEAKER_00 29:41

So um I almost got fired from that place every week. I was the worst waiter, but I was so gregarious.

SPEAKER_02 29:53

Uh you're the personality hire.

SPEAKER_00 29:56

Yeah. And I remember I was living on the beach before I moved back there, you know, in Hawaii. And then I was just like, I'm like, let's move back to New York. You know, there's reasons why we came out of the woods and and and uh went back there. And um, I was so like, this is my proving ground because they're all actors and they're all like having fun. I'm like, oh, I can't wait to like get back into being busy and laughing and joking.

SPEAKER_01 30:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:23

So I used that to my full extent, I think. And um I they used to put crayons on the table because we had wax paper on there and you could draw and stuff. And so I would draw the people on my dupe pad, and then I would give it to another person and say, Can you find this person? And they would wander around the restaurant looking for this person. And when they saw them, their their head would go back and forth from the paper to the person to make sure that they hit the right person. And then when I noticed that they did that, I was like, Oh, I'm gonna keep doing this. This is a new game. This is a new game. I'm gonna get everybody to join in, and they're not going to know. The game is make that person feel uncomfortable if they're aware that people are staring at them and looking at a dupe pad. They just like, you know, oh, I never saw somebody get uncomfortable, but I had to have done it at least 30 times.

SPEAKER_02 31:24

That's so funny.

SPEAKER_00 31:25

But the restaurant was was crazy.

SPEAKER_02 31:28

Is it still there?

SPEAKER_00 31:29

Yeah, yeah. My friend just quit uh two years ago, and he said, Scott, I've been telling stories about you for the last two weeks, so your legend doesn't die.

SPEAKER_02 31:41

When how long has he been working there?

SPEAKER_00 31:45

Like I would say from 2008. 2009. Maybe just part-time at the end, because he was doing acting stuff all the time. So it was very lenient, like you could leave and come back, yeah. You know, and it was good money. But we played like games, who could do the best fall in the restaurant? You know, so you do Pratt falls all over the place.

SPEAKER_02 32:08

Are you are you breaking things or not breaking things?

SPEAKER_00 32:12

I wrapped my leg inside a tray jack, which is that thing that the waitress put the big uh trays on, and just sent myself careening underneath a table. And the manager just ran over, and like, are you okay? Are you okay? And I'm like, I think I'm okay. And then I heard someone say in the background, one of the managers say, What's going on tonight? Everybody's falling. Because I had up the game, because there were judges who had the best fall tonight. Right. You know, like who could drop the most bottles of Pellegrino on the floor? Was another game that we played.

SPEAKER_03 32:51

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 32:51

And so I had to go, I was the guy who brings up the cases from the basement.

SPEAKER_02 32:56

And um You're just dropping cases of wine?

SPEAKER_00 32:59

No, uh Pellegrino, the sparkling wine.

SPEAKER_02 33:01

Oh, the water, the water pellegrin.

SPEAKER_00 33:03

So we had these uh wine buckets set up all over with ice and pellegrin. So they were always getting knocked over and breaking every once in a while.

SPEAKER_01 33:11

But I'm like, what if tonight's game if we intensified that?

SPEAKER_00 33:17

So the score was like two, one, three, two, one, one, zero, zero, you know, for the rest of them. So I'm bringing up the case and I just threw it. Just to make sure no one could beat me.

SPEAKER_02 33:32

We would play, we would play a similar-ish game in grad school because we would have to give these presentations about our clients.

SPEAKER_03 33:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 33:40

Now, should we be playing games when we're presenting about therapy clients? Probably not.

SPEAKER_00 33:46

Right.

SPEAKER_02 33:46

Probably not the best idea. But one of my classmates and I, he finally, by our final year, he was like, stay fingering. He's like, that's the word you have to work into your presentation.

SPEAKER_01 34:03

Luckily, I had a client that really liked to finger paint a lot. So I just threw fingering it.

SPEAKER_00 34:15

That's awesome.

SPEAKER_02 34:16

There's a reason why I'm not a therapist. Yeah. Uh, it'd be so bad. I I just yeah, I can be sympathetic, but my dark humor doesn't help me um articulate it.

SPEAKER_00 34:35

Right. You would easily connect with the person.

SPEAKER_02 34:37

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 34:38

And then at some point you would say something and they would shut down.

SPEAKER_01 34:40

Yeah. I would drink or I would trigger the shit. Is that how you feel? Is this you telling me my house?

SPEAKER_00 34:54

I was gonna say my mom thought it to save space in my ass. She she loved it.

SPEAKER_01 35:16

Thank you.

unknown 35:17

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 35:18

The best part of culture clash last year, that my favorite moment, like I was losing my mind because I'd walked 86 miles, I was my old injury was back, and it was painful, and shit was not going right, and it's just like a storm.

SPEAKER_01 35:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 35:36

It's the worst wadering chicken without a head story you could have.

SPEAKER_01 35:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 35:40

You know, because you're it's not like you're ruining somebody's meal.

SPEAKER_03 35:44

Right.

SPEAKER_00 35:44

You're ruining somebody's art, you're ruining a sale, you know, and you just want to really be there. And um, I had to go to another table outside by a stage, and I'm leaning over talking to somebody, and all of a sudden somebody grabs me from behind, and I was like, Oh, that's nice. Like, is as nice as your mom? She used to love you from behind, with uh I I I I'm paraphrasing, but it brought me out of that bad moment I was having, and the rest of the night I was just giggling all night long about my mom raping my ass.

SPEAKER_02 36:22

Was that me?

SPEAKER_00 36:22

That was you. Sorry, was that implicit in what I was saying?

SPEAKER_02 36:30

Because I don't know why we started making that joke. I honestly don't, but um I love that that's what we're doing.

SPEAKER_00 36:39

It was the holiday Christmas movie. I don't I don't know what spurned that on, but I think it was the the one where it was like the the house was the time machine thing going back and forth with different families. Yeah. We're watching that, and and somehow I made the joke about my mom not not loving me. Yeah. And your retort was did she love you too much? She loved you too much. And I don't know who's the first one that went to the deep cavity of your ass. Right.

SPEAKER_02 37:18

Which brought us to the name of our podcast. How big is your mom's strap on?

SPEAKER_00 37:26

It's big enough that I lost my intestines in ninety-two. I had ulcerative colitis and they took it out. And I blame my mom for loving me too deeply, too hard, and too regularly. So uh so yeah, it's um yeah, Christmas is is a a fun time. Is it?

SPEAKER_03 38:08

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 38:09

I mean, I I I was not a Christmas person at all growing up.

SPEAKER_03 38:13

Oh no.

SPEAKER_00 38:14

Like I I remember finding out about uh Santa early on. Like the truth, the truth, and my older brother and I were shopping with my mom, and I was telling him, and he started crying. And he's like, It's not true, and I'm like, it's true. And I I must have been like five and he was seven.

SPEAKER_02 38:38

Oh and devastated.

SPEAKER_00 38:42

Yeah, he he went and asked my mom, and I was like, I was like, no, no, you know, she tried to lie, and I was like, no, no, no, no, no. It's she's lying to you. She's lying to you, and she's like, it it's true, there's no Santa. And what about the Easter bunny? All of them. Yes, there's there's an Easter bunny that still comes to our house, but San is not real.

SPEAKER_02 39:11

Santa makes more sense than the Easter bunny. Like, if you're gonna believe one, right? The human man makes more sense than the giant bunny coming to your house.

SPEAKER_00 39:23

Right. With terrifying. And and there's no device for him to transport the Easter baskets.

unknown 39:30

Right?

SPEAKER_00 39:30

At least Santa has a magic sleigh.

SPEAKER_02 39:32

Yeah. Like there's never they never there's no magic with Bunny.

SPEAKER_00 39:36

Right. He just has them.

SPEAKER_02 39:40

Well, there's that guy on. Do you watch Gen V?

SPEAKER_00 39:44

No.

SPEAKER_02 39:45

Uh he's a superhero show, and there's a superhero that can hide things in his ass. Like whole people. Like he'll he'll just you can transport people by putting them in his ass. It's such a weird. I bet your mom can. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 40:07

Well, you know, I have a rebuilt six million dollar ass now from the surgery. Oh, but um so it's like fucking gold. It it's there's there's room. There's room for everything in there now. Uh oh. So one Easter we went to my uncle's house, and my uncle was fucking crazy about holidays. He was the best.

SPEAKER_02 40:36

Oh, I love that. Just I love the I love the ones that are really into it.

SPEAKER_00 40:40

Yeah, and and what a great guy. Yeah. I I I loved him.

SPEAKER_02 40:44

Um did he have kids of his own?

SPEAKER_00 40:46

Yeah, he had five. Oh geez. And raised the same craziness that we had. Yeah. Not the bank robbery, but he had the same kind of like openness and just let the beast go.

SPEAKER_01 40:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 41:00

And but for for Easter, he would hide the shit and he made a list of where he hid things. Because he would move ceiling tiles and put an egg up there. He had a bet uh a new box of dog biscuits that he put somebody's egg in there and then re-glued it. And you couldn't have your Easter basket until you found your color-coded egg.

SPEAKER_02 41:21

Oh, it's my aunt did this. I love a color-coded Easter egg hunt because it's fair. It's like this is your color, you can only get those. And then we would have, he would put, she would put notes in them.

SPEAKER_00 41:33

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 41:34

And you would go on a scavenger hunt for like a present.

SPEAKER_00 41:37

Right, right.

SPEAKER_02 41:37

So you're saying he did it where, like, if you found all your eggs, you got the thing.

SPEAKER_00 41:41

Right. Nice. Right. So the night before, uh on like 15, I went to a keger, you know, the night before, and I'm hung over this shit. Like, and me and my mom battled, you know, that night when I got home because she was a night owl person. Um, so I I we go, we drive to the house, and I'm like, oh, I just there are people on the couches, so I can't lay out. Yeah. And so I throw myself over the TV, which back in those days the color TV was on the ground and the cabinet. And taped underneath the little triangle that stuck out of the back of the TVs back then. He had taped my egg. And I was the first one to find it. And I was like, I got my egg, and I laid down on the couch, passed out, woke up, everybody's gone. You know, like the house is quiet. And there was like 20 people in the house when I passed out.

SPEAKER_03 42:37

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 42:39

He goes down the stairs, he's like, Come on, we're going. And he's like, I'm like, where are we going? He's like, We're going to church. I'm like, uh, Uncle Bob, I I'm I'm an atheist, you know, like I don't believe in that. Like, he's like, Yeah, you're coming. We go to we're in Queens, right? Yeah. So we're in deep dark Queens, and we go to the neighborhood bar and we start drinking. And this his idea of church.

SPEAKER_03 43:05

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 43:06

And we go to bar to bar to bar all day long. I drink my hangover away. We're all good. Care the dog, yeah. Care the dog. You know, me and my uncle are laughing. We're meeting all his friends from like, I mean, we traveled all over.

SPEAKER_02 43:20

Oh my god, I love this story.

SPEAKER_00 43:21

Right? And we come back because his son is now in the Navy, that's my age, and he's like my brother. And um, so he's like, Yeah, you're gonna replace him. I don't know if he ever did that with him, but yeah, we come back and they're all sitting down to Easter dinner. Yeah. And they're waiting for him to carve the bird. He's like, Okay, first things first, Scott, get the oozo out of the the cupboard. Let's do shots. And my mom is watching me do shots with my uncle.

SPEAKER_02 43:50

At fifteen.

SPEAKER_00 43:51

At fifteen, after she beat me the night before for drinking. It's the greatest day. Greatest fucking day. And when they asked where we were, he said church.

SPEAKER_01 44:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:05

Which was obvious we were out drinking all day long.

SPEAKER_02 44:08

Yeah, but but you can't say anything when somebody says church.

SPEAKER_00 44:11

I would say I would say we were drinking for five hours at least from the time that I got up to when we came back for dinner.

SPEAKER_01 44:18

That's so funny.

SPEAKER_00 44:19

Yeah. I was hammered again.

SPEAKER_01 44:21

That's great. Best Easter.

SPEAKER_00 44:24

But you know that when you get so drunk the night before you're hung over and then you start drinking it again, you can't re achieve, at least in my mind, I can't achieve that drunkenness I had the night before, no matter how much I drink.

SPEAKER_02 44:35

No, no, no. You're just evening out.

SPEAKER_00 44:37

Evening out. You're evening out. Right.

SPEAKER_02 44:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:40

You get that too, right?

SPEAKER_02 44:41

Yeah. So I mean, I haven't in a long time. Drinking like that hasn't been a part of my life for a long time. COVID.

SPEAKER_00 44:50

Right. I I stopped drinking right before COVID.

SPEAKER_02 44:53

Before COVID.

SPEAKER_00 44:54

Right. Yeah. Not due to COVID, but due to a hangover that almost I thought I was gonna die.

SPEAKER_02 45:00

No. Like yeah. I feel I feel like there's definitely an age that you hit where you're like, I should not have alcohol anymore.

SPEAKER_00 45:09

Yeah. 15, 16 years old, house parties. I was the first one up the next day. Yeah. You know, I could drink, I could drink almost anybody under the table back in my youth. And all of a sudden it was just like, these are getting scary.

SPEAKER_02 45:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:24

And I drank like three bottles of red wine, headshots, and I was at somebody's house. Yeah. Uh the girl I was dating at the time had food poisoning, so we had to stay over. So I forgot to drink water. Yeah. And the next day the dehydration and the sugar from the wine and everything. Almost killed you. I was like, this is this is not good. I've never felt this before.

SPEAKER_02 45:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:48

Like we have so good for you.

SPEAKER_02 45:52

COVID. COVID probably would have killed you. Because when there's nothing to do but drink. We had some good times though.

SPEAKER_00 46:01

Yeah. And you were with John at that point, right? Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 46:06

Oh God, yeah. I can't imagine what. Thank you, guys. Sorry about that.

SPEAKER_00 46:12

It's all good.

SPEAKER_02 46:15

I got some editing to do today. Thank God we weren't talking about your mom fucking. Oh my God.

SPEAKER_00 46:21

It was so hard. It was so hard not to say, please sit down. We're talking the podcast is called How Big Is Your Mom's Trap On? Because she fucks in the ass. And I so wanted to say that. And I'm like, I'm way and I'm like looking at the God. I'm like, will he how will he take this joke? Will this be comedy gold? Will we never be able to produce another podcast in this room? I hope I joked correctly. Because I could have really.

SPEAKER_01 46:53

Um what if he just started crying? Because that happened to him. I should have. It's funny because it's true.

SPEAKER_00 47:14

Did your mom use a particular tube on the end?

SPEAKER_02 47:20

Oh, we have to end it there. We can't go off. How big is your mom's strap on?

SPEAKER_00 47:27

Big.

SPEAKER_02 47:28

Thanks for being with me today, Scott. I appreciate it.

SPEAKER_00 47:30

This was fun. Thanks for having me.

SPEAKER_02 47:39

Thanks for listening to What's Our Podcast brought to you by your host, Molly Howie, produced and sound by Zach Weaver, and special thanks go out to Trident Tech for letting us use their space.