Be Still and Live

#06: Peaceful Parenting: How to Regulate, Reconnect, and Bring Play Back Home with Carley Aroldi

• Gillian Gabryluk • Season 1 • Episode 6

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Peace at home isn’t a personality trait, it’s a practice.

In this conversation, Gillian talks with Carley Aroldi, clinical play therapist and childhood mental health expert, about why parenting feels so hard right now, and how small, steady shifts can bring calm back to family life.

They explore the thermostat vs. thermometer idea, how parents set the emotional tone, and share simple, science-backed tools to move from stress to connection: co-regulation, playful moments, and everyday habits that reset the nervous system.

From Candy Land to nature walks, Carley shows how play builds resilience, frustration tolerance, and joy for the whole family. You’ll leave with gentle reminders and practical steps to make your home feel safe, sturdy, and fun again. 

Connect with Carley: 

On her Website where she shares her story and her services. 

And on Instagram tips and inspiration and tips on how to be a peaceful parent.

New here? Start with episodes 1-3: “Take Back Your Life”, "From Hustle to Healing", and “5 to Thrive.”

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Carley:

As parents, we want to be the thermostat and not the thermometer, right? We want to set the tone. We want to be a cool 72 degrees so that when our kids are in our presence, it feels, oh, okay, this is comfortable and I'm safe.

Gillian:

If your days feel full, but your heart longs for more meaning, you're not alone. Between the screens, the schedules, and the never-ending noise, it's easy to lose your sense of peace. But what if the way forward isn't found in doing more, but in learning to slow down, to simplify, to be still. Welcome to Be Still and Live, a podcast for individuals, couples, and families longing for calm connection and a more meaningful way to live. I'm Jillian, speaker, coach, and founder of Soleil Health and Wellness. And I'm here to help you create space for stillness and step into a life that feels whole and good again. This episode is for all the parents who are wondering why parenting feels so hard. Today I'm joined by Carly Uroldi, a clinical play therapist, childhood mental health expert, mom of two, and founder of Peaceful Parenting. Carly helps overwhelmed parents create more calm, cooperation, and connection at home through mindful parenting practices and brain-based play therapy techniques. In this conversation, we explore what it really means to become the emotional thermostat for our families, especially while raising kids in a world that moves too fast. We talk about why parenting feels more challenging than ever, how our nervous system shaped the energy of our homes, and simple ways to bring more peace, play, and presence into the everyday moments of family life. I also share that I'm currently doing a book study on the anxious generation by Jonathan Heid, and we touch on how its themes connect so deeply to Carly's work, reimagining what family life can look like when we choose to slow down, regulate, and lead with connection instead of control. If you've been craving more peace in your home or wondering how to show up calmly for your child without losing yourself in the process, this episode is for you. So take a breath, settle in, and let's begin. Carly, it's so good to have you here today. Thank you so much for being here. Thanks, Jillian. Good to see you.

Carley:

Happy and honored that you invited me to come chat with you this morning.

Gillian:

I am just so excited about this conversation because I know how open I am to the conversation we're gonna have today. And I just spoke with Carly for the last 10 minutes before we press record. She is wonderful. So I know this is gonna be a beautiful conversation about parenting. And I think it's going to be what everybody needs to hear right now. So let's dive in, Carly.

Carley:

Let's do it.

Gillian:

Let's do it. Can you share a little bit about your work? And uh you you talk about peaceful parenting. That's something that I'm drawn to. What does that mean to you? How did you get to this point? And how did you come up with that approach to parenting being your focus for your work?

Carley:

Yeah, yeah. Good, good, great question. So basically, I am a I studied child development and child psychology, and I've been a child and family play therapist for a couple of decades now. So when I first began my work with families, I was really focused on, oh, I just need to help the kids, right? Let me, oh, this kid's having a hard time, this kid's having a hard time. Let me give, let me teach them some tools or let me give them play therapy. And that was a good model, but I discovered this world called infant and early childhood mental health. And the main tenets of infant and truly or infant and early childhood mental health are that babies and toddlers and children and adolescents are only as kind of socially and emotionally and mentally healthy as the people who are caring for them. And so that really shifted my lens from doing just individual work with kids to seeing, oh, what's happening in our children's lives are coming through kind of the funnel of the parenting lens. So I kind of shifted to instead of doing this individual work with children, focusing on parents and how can I support parents and guide parents in maybe changing things in their family life or seeing their children differently so that it kind of changes the water kids are swimming in. Right. And that changes kind of who they are. And it's interesting as I was kind of coming up with like the title of my work and my practice, I kept getting drawn to this concept of peaceful, right? Peaceful parenting, which is kind of weird because like parenting is anything but peaceful. Right. If you have kids, yeah, I can attest to that. We're not like snow white, waking up with the birds, love. There's a bit of chaos. So it's really like a little bit of an oxymoron. Like, there's nothing peaceful about parenting. But my view is that there's this phrase which is, you know, as within, so without, that we as parents, if we bring the peace, if we kind of come internally from us, things feel more peaceful in the home. And then our kids are more at peace. So it was this word that kind of kept coming to me, knowing that it's a challenge, but also knowing that I think this is what so many people are actually craving is to feel at peace, right? Is to feel like confident I'm I'm doing a good job with my kids and they feel safe with me. So I was kind of drawn to that concept. And again, it can ruffle some feathers because people are like, I don't want to be peaceful. I need to yell at my kids. But the idea is it's all okay, right? We're gonna yell, we're gonna do different things. But if we can internally find our own kind of peace point and bring it to our family, everything changes. Does that make sense?

Gillian:

Oh, it totally makes sense. And it's so empowering yet intimidating because what you're saying is our our kids are gonna mirror our behavior. But yeah, every parent knows that their emotions are not always in check. So you feel this pressure, like you always have to be perfect, right? And uh that's that's a lot to carry because I mean, we're living in a really challenging world right now, and we're carrying a lot as parents, and it's hard to not bring that back to the home because that's where we feel safest. So I I know you have some solutions for us. So stick with us because uh that's why we're here today. Um, something that came to mind is there's no such thing as a bad kid. And um, as you know, the beginning of my career I was a teacher. And I really did need to look at students through that lens. Kids aren't born with bad behavior, they come from somewhere. It's coming from some type of behavior that they're witnessing in their daily life. And uh it's just so important to have that empathy for children and just understand that it's it's not their fault. They get to a point in their life where they're held accountable for their behavior, but when they're so little, you know, you you really can't blame them for being dysregulated.

Carley:

So yeah. We have a phrase in our work we called, when you change the lens with which you see a child, you see a different child. Right. So when we kind of shift, and I don't even in my practice, I don't even use the word bad behavior or challenging behavior. I use the word stress behavior because when we are under stress, like as grownups, as adults, when we are under stress, we are acting in more primal, more instinctive, out of these kind of lower brain regions. And the same thing happens with kids. Yeah, right. So it's not they're reactive, and it's not that we don't address the behavior we do, but it's more important to get to the root of the stress, right? If we can get to that root, that is fundamental. It's like if I have a headache, sure, I can take a Tylenol, but or I can take an adivil or whatever, but it's not potentially getting to the root of I'm dehydrated or I haven't eaten or my muscles are tense. Like, so we can treat the behavior, and that's a lot of times what you know we we look to consequences to do or punishments. And I'm not I'm not against that stuff, but also if we focus primarily on that and we don't see what stress is causing this behavior, we're not doing anybody any favors.

Gillian:

I'm having a flashback here, Carly. Last night, our six-year-old has these raging emotional breakdowns. And last night it was surfacing again. We were trying to help him with a craft for school, and and he was just beside himself being so, I want to say disrespectful, right? That's how we want to say it as parents. But I'm watching him and I'm like, why is he acting like this? This is so out of character. Sure enough, we served dinner and he did not look up from that plate for literally five minutes straight. He wolfed down that food. He was just hungry. He was hungry. And, you know, we we have a busy life. Typically, he's not hungry at that time of day. But for some reason, yesterday he was famished. And uh that kind of solved everything because once he got that food in his system, he was balanced again. And we were all very thankful.

Carley:

Yeah. Yeah. And that's, you know, such a great example of it, which is when we become detectives of like where is this behavior coming from? And we address it. And I always start with any behavior out there physiologically. Like when parents come to me, I'm like, let's talk about what eating looks like, what is sleeping look like, what is downtime look like. Because if I'm trying to like treat a tantrum and the kid needs a snack, just throw a snack in their face, right? We don't need to be like, you can't get a snack until you've calmed down. It's like, no, throw them some pretzels and move on. And so if we we sometimes complicate it too much. Yeah. Right? We make it this bigger, like, what's wrong with my kid? Like, they need a grape. Like that's what's so and we start a lot of my practices, you begin with the body, right? You begin with the body. Like, does the body need something? Because if if we don't address that, we can't get to anywhere higher.

Gillian:

Oh, I I I love that. And it resonates so much with that. It's uh it's reminding me of the process of elimination. You go through those, you go through those. I call them the five to thrive pillars of health. It's it's stillness. Do they just need a break? Are they overstimulated? It's nourishment. Have they had some healthy food? Are they just hungry? Movement, do they need some fresh air? Do they just last night I took my son out and I just went for a walk with the dog? And I said, let's go see if we can find the fox. And just being outside and having that fresh air was able to calm him down a little bit. And then quality rest. Sometimes they're just tired. And then connections, sometimes, and we're gonna talk about this. You just need to pause and give them some of your attention. Play with them, have a little fun. Yes, yes, I love it. Carly, when I opened your website, I saw the line: parenting is hard. Let's work together to make it easier. And I literally took this breath of fresh air. I'm just like, oh my gosh, I cannot wait to have this conversation because I feel guilty for saying that. I feel guilty for admitting that parenting is hard. And I never thought it would be this hard. Yeah. But it is constant. I feel like we have so much working against us right now. And, you know, the things that worked a generation ago no longer work today. Different. We're we are expected to be aware of so much more, juggle so much more. So I I really appreciated that first line. And I really uh want to offer, you know, this conversation to parents who are feeling that way. I believe all parents are feeling that way, and and have them understand that there is support out there.

Carley:

Yeah, and that it's normal to feel that way. You know, sometimes people come into my practice and they're like, you know, I hate to say this, but like sometimes I really hate being a parent. And I'm like, yeah, same. It's awful. It's awful. Like, you know, they're like, the struggle is real. They say you're gonna have no, like it is yeah. When we say parenting feels hard because it is hard.

Gillian:

Yes, it is hard.

Carley:

But it's also beautiful, yes, and it's so rewarding. Yes, totally worth it, but not easy. Exactly. I was reading a book last night that um there was a line in it which is becoming a parent, you know, again, so much struggle, so much heaviness, but it also feels like it unlocked another dimension, right? Like it's also a level up, like you feel things so much bigger than in other ways. So there's gifts to it. I would do it again for sure. But I remember when my kids were little, someone asked my husband, like, how's parenting going? And he goes, unrelenting. Like the best thing is the it's it the waves just keep on coming. There's no like, oh, we had our finals and now we have a two-week break, and now we'll know it just changes.

Gillian:

Yeah, and bigger, bigger kids, bigger problems, right? And and I I've realized that when you're a parent, you're under a magnifying glass. All of your patterns that you've been getting away with, all of your habits that you've been getting away with, your personality traits that you've been able to kind of move through life with, they're all exposed. They're all exposed. And your kids force you to work through them because, you know, you're exposed and you either choose to work through them and level up, or you have a miserable existence as a parent. So, you know, but it's up to us. And I think that's where we're going with this conversation. I I want to acknowledge that parenting today feels more overwhelming than ever. That is true. And you're not the only one feeling that way if you're listening today.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Gillian:

Carly, from your perspective, what's making it so challenging for so many families right now?

Carley:

Yeah. Yeah, multi-layered for sure. Um, you know, and and I see it so much in my practice and you know, the work that I do, a lot of it is the pace of life that we're at, right? If you look a generation or two ago and there, you know, things just moved a little bit slower, right? Things weren't so instantaneous, instant gratification.

Gillian:

Like it was a lot slower.

Carley:

A lot slower, a lot slower. Even so, you know, this feeling that our culture, like our Western culture, calls to us to be productive and be consuming and do all these things that pull you towards more and more and more is hard as a parent because you're also trying to teach limits and boundaries. But the messages you're getting are like, well, you've got to sign your kid up for this, or they're gonna be behind. And you know, oh, make sure you didn't start piano, but the time they were three, well, it's over for them. You know what I mean?

Gillian:

Like, oh my gosh.

Carley:

Just like feel it. Yes. The comparison trap. Yeah, comparison trap. And then there's also, and I think particularly for moms, there's like these really high expectations on ourselves. Like, am I doing the perfect little craft or am I doing, you know, um, you know, spending enough time with my kids? And there was a study that came out a couple of years ago, which was working mothers now spend more time with their kids than um stay-at-home moms did generation. I believe it. So we feel like, and this is so I have a couple of ideas. It's the pace of life, it's also this feeling like we have to be the end-all be-all for our kids, right? Most of us are not raising our kids in community as people did in the past. There's not like aunties and cousins and all these people that can kind of feel like we're being supported when we're raising our kids. So that's very, very challenging. And again, we have technology like available to us that is brand new for our adult brains and we're figuring out how to manage it. So trying to even begin to guide kids in this world is really, really overwhelming. So when people come and they're like, I don't feel like I know what I'm doing, like, well, yeah, nobody does because we're still, it's the wild, wild west a little bit out here figuring it out. So I really like to validate, first of all, it's okay to like not like your kids not want to be a parent sometimes. That is normal. All parents have ambivalent feelings about their role. And then also, it's okay to feel like you're figuring it out as it's going along.

Gillian:

Thank you for saying all of those things. I mean, I I am hearing you. And um, all of these things are so true. The pace of life, the, you know, trying to teach limits and boundaries when there are none. I was listening to Dr. Becky. Do you know her? She talks about deep-feeling kids. Yes, I'm sure you're familiar with her. She was talking about the experience of watching a movie when we were kids. You'd have to ask your parents in advance, hey, I'm having my friend over on Friday. Can we go to Blockbuster? So you'd have to schedule it. You'd have that anticipation. You'd have a specific movie in mind, but it might not be there when you get there because the five that they had might be rented out. You'd have to deal with that disappointment, you'd have to shift gears, you have to bring it back to the home. All of these things have disappeared. Our kids are used to that instant gratification. And it's so hard to teach them what it looks like to be patient and to be disappointed and all of these things. So we have to intentionally bake that back into the schedule, which is another thing to think about as parents. It's not naturally a part of the culture anymore.

Carley:

Yeah, it's developing that, helping kids develop a frustration tolerance. Yes. Because again, my we we really try not to do online shopping as much as we can, but suddenly my daughter's like, I need this, I'm gonna get at Amazon, I'll be here tomorrow. And I'm like, Yeah, that's not that's a feeling that I don't want her to have as soon as I want it. Yeah. That feeling of I need to. I was even, I was playing Candyland with a little guy in my office the other day. And I love Candyland because it's one of those games where you might be all the way up near the candy castle, and then you get that, you know, cupcake and you're back at square one. Yep. Old school games. That is life. They can teach kids, oh, how do I deal with this frustration? Right. And he, you know, really flipped out on it. So we know, hey, this is an area we're gonna keep playing Candyland and we're gonna keep doing these things to help him realize we're gonna get frustrated and we're gonna re-regulate. Because that's the other thing. Like when we talk about peaceful parenting, it's not about like sailing away on an ocean of bliss, like a spa. Like it's supposed to go up, it's supposed to go down. That's healthy. Like it's like a heart rate. Like when we're exercising, it's supposed to be faster. And when we're calm, it's supposed to be slower. That's also what we do with our kids, that that co-regulation piece of letting them know when to get tight and need to work harder and when to release and let go.

Gillian:

Beautiful analogy. I'm reminded of again, my six-year-old who absolutely loves fishing. And he he watched the show called Um Outdoor Boys. And it's a great wholesome show about a dad who takes his sons out on all these adventures. But I realized that he was just watching the success of these adventures, right? He's just watching these kids reel in fish after fish after fish. And then we start fishing on our own, and the fish are not coming in, they're not biting. And he's so frustrated because he's been set up for this experience where it's just one fish after the next. He hasn't learned the real life experience of what it takes to be a good fisherman, which is patience. Patience, which is disappointment, which is sometimes you go out and you catch nothing or you get no bites whatsoever. So I hear what you're saying. That that's so true. And it's those real life experiences that teach our kids how things actually work in the real world.

Carley:

Yeah. And I think that's a beautiful example of something else that I try to promote a lot, which is process over product, right? Our culture is so focused on producing and product. Whereas if you're going fishing and my grandfather was an avid fisherman, my dad, I spent so like I smelled like fish guts for like my whole childhood. And I remember we would have eight-hour days where we caught nothing. Right. And we would kind of, and when my kids have those experiences now, it's much harder for them. But when we look at the process, when we say, like, did we get outside and get some sunshine? Did we enjoy being on the water? Did we have a conversation? It's the process. Yeah. Right. It's the process. So when we help kids reframe to focus on even like a game, like, did you have fun when you played? Did you get sweaty and have a good time with your friends? Okay, you lost by 14 points. That sucks. We can definitely be upset about that. Right. But let's look at the process of what we did versus the outcome of it.

Gillian:

I love that approach. Carly, I'm currently doing a book study on the anxious generation, which is tying all of this together. And I, any parent, grandparent, parent in the future listening to this episode, please go and buy this book. Download it on audiobook, listen to, listen to it on your commute, on your walks. Everybody needs to read this book. I'd love to explore some of its themes and connect them to your work around play and reimagining what family life can look like. Jonathan Haidt, as you know, his research makes it clear that our kids are not okay. And much of it comes down to our children's increased exposure to screens combined with their limited exposure to play, which includes all the things like risk taking, you know, learning about natural consequences, the importance of dynamics. Yes, the importance of independence and creativity and boredom and what comes from that boredom. Jonathan Haidt claims we have moved from a play-based childhood to a phone-based childhood or a screen-based childhood. Carly, do you agree with this? And have you seen the impact in the work you do?

Carley:

Yeah. Yeah, for sure. That's a phenomenal book. I completely agree that it should be like required reading as the as you're pushing a baby out. It's like, and here's a cop, here's a copy of the anxious generation. Yes. Because, you know, one thing that he really, you know, preaches, which I agree with, is we're over-protecting our kids in the real world and we're under-protecting them in the virtual spaces. Right. And we come from, we're so nervous for our kids to like go out and ride their bike without having a phone on them, but we'll let them like sit on YouTube and who knows what's coming their way. Yeah. So I have seen it dramatic. So I, you know, my practice opened, I think 2010. It's been a while. Um, and I have seen a dramatic shift, not only in adolescents, right, and how they're functioning with this new technology, but also in toddlerhood, in um, you know, preschoolhood, where the focus to live in the virtual space for young kids is pulling them out of being able to play. And we talk about the really important we call soft skills we get from play, which again, it's navigating a social dynamic, figuring out my body and space. If I'm building blocks and they fall down, my frustration tolerance. And so when we deny our kids these opportunities for play, and again, there's so many reasons for this. And this is not about like, don't ever give your kid a screen because my kids have plenty of screens. Like we have a lot of TV in my house, right? But if we are denying them these opportunities for mostly free, unstructured, not so supervised play, right? Like we're not really putting them in danger, but not then that we're denying them opportunities for resiliency and growth and actually the skills that they need for success in life. Yes. And so, you know, I think what so one of my first interventions sometimes when I work with parents is take 25 minutes this week to do open play with your kid, right? That's one aspect of it. Like where, whether it's games, whether it's dolls, whether it's you know, building 25 minutes of that. And I have a concept that it's my favorite therapeutic concept, which is called benign neglect, right? You can neglect your kid a little bit. Yeah. Hold back and let them, let them get the, we call it, we want scrapes, not scars, right? Let them get some scrapes. Let them fall off the bike, let them get lost. Yeah, right. My daughters, we have a very free-range atmosphere here, and she's 10, she'll go out on her bike. I don't see her for like four hours. And I'm assuming she's bopping into kids' houses, she's X, Y, or Z, and she doesn't have a piece of technology on her to let me know where she's at. She has to come home every now and then and be like, still alive. I'm like, great. But those opportunities for kids are so crucial because not only do they help them socially, but they help them internally to build confidence, to build grit, to build resiliency.

Gillian:

Yes.

Carley:

And that is what's going to carry them. And when they don't, what we've seen now, kids that didn't have those opportunities in their early childhood, when they reach more adolescence and into their 20s, they feel like they can't accomplish things. And it's leading to high rates of depression, high rates of anxiety.

Gillian:

And so one major shift we can make is allowing more of that free play in those younger years, building that resilience when it is safe within the boundaries of what is actually safe. And Jonathan Haid also talks about, you know, you talk about overprotecting in the real world, underprotecting in the virtual world. All the things we fear are now introduced to our kids online. It's not in the real world. The predators are online and their brains are being changed. The way they develop is being completely changed because they're spending all of this time online. So we we're telling ourselves that we're keeping our kids safe, but really the opposite is happening and it's having such a negative impact on our kids.

Carley:

Yeah. And even, you know, sometimes, so full disclosure in our house, there is no YouTube, like, which is hard. I've got a, you know, 14 and 11-year-old. Like, they want the YouTube. We don't do social media, we don't do YouTube. Um, mostly because I I can see the detriments that that brings into their world. But sometimes families will come to me and say, Oh, but they're, you know, they're consuming really innocent content.

Gillian:

And that's, you know, or with YouTube kids.

Carley:

Yes. And like even my son, he's watching basketball highlights. He wasn't like, you know, searching anything for as I try to, you know, I'm a huge brain science junkie. And as I try to kind of share with parents, it's not even so much the content as it is dopamine hits they're getting every three minutes, 30 seconds, loud and shiny and bright. And when they're, even if they're on YouTube for like a half an hour, they're the dopamine levels in their brain, like they crave more, they need more. So then when we take it away and they have these huge tantrums, it's because they're trying to get their dopamine back up and it's putting them in a deficit. So I also like to say all screens are not equal. There's a big difference between a kid sitting down and doing 30 minutes of YouTube versus watching a program that has a beginning, middle, and end and has a story and has an arc. So it's not that I'm like banning screens. Like I said, we are watching stuff all the time, but it's being mindful of what am I, first of all, what am I exposing my kids to content-wise? But also, what is happening in their brain if every 30 seconds they get something new? What's gonna happen when we take that screen away? Yeah, they feel like they need something new, that novelty hit.

Gillian:

Yes.

Carley:

And that we need to make the external world as exciting as the screens. And if we supervise too much or we put too many limitations on them, the world's not exciting. Right? They need to feel excitement. They need to feel like, oh wow, I'm riding my bike and nobody's watching me. That's exciting. Right.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Carley:

So then it builds that feeling of um that dopamine from you know, achieving a goal or being in connection or listening to music is very different than like getting a hit every 45 seconds because you got a prize in a video game. Right, right.

Gillian:

So we just need to change the way we think about this and give give each other permission to allow our kids to take those risks because you said your daughter's 10 years old, she's riding around for forests. There's probably people judging you for saying that, Carly.

Speaker 1:

Sure.

Gillian:

And I have a 10-year-old daughter. I'm thinking, oh my gosh, okay, I would love to do that. And we need to move more in that direction, release ourselves from the fear and understand what our child is going to gain by giving them freedom like that. And and rebuilding that village where you have other people, you know, saying, Hey, so-and-so, your your daughter's at our house right now just wanted to check in. That's what we used to do for each other. We used to help each other out. So I think we're moving back in that direction.

Carley:

And I think we can model it. I think that's I think we're craving it and we're afraid. I totally this is my world and I fear the judgment, right? I guess. Yes. But I noticed when I started doing it, it inspired another family to do it. And then I've got a family across town that's like, so she can she can just ride wherever. I'm like, well, we have boundaries. She can go to this street or the street, but like, and I see the movement in our just my little community of its dominoes, right? So when we start to allow that, now it feels more of the norm, and now the kids are happier.

unknown:

Yeah.

Gillian:

It gives others permission to follow suit. Someone has to be the brave and courageous leader, right? Yeah, yeah. So just chatting about. Just starting with yourself and making that move on your own. I'd love to talk about how mirroring the behavior we want to see in our kids is so important, starting with ourselves. Our kids don't do what we say. I've learned this as a parent of four kids. They don't do what I say. They're watching so closely what I do, what I practice. They're mirroring my emotions, my mood, the way that I respond to people in one states of stress. So, what role do parents play in influencing the mood in their households? And again, this is putting, this is empowering parents. And sometimes that can be intimidating. We don't sometimes we we don't want to know that it's on us, but it's really healthy to understand how much power we have in our own households to help regulate our nervous systems as a family and um to create a safe space where we can feel that peace that you're talking about.

Carley:

Yeah, yeah. And I think it's um it's like with great power comes great responsibility, right? That's Spider-Man quote, which is it can feel intimidating to think, oh my gosh, I'm actually creating this. But once you feel supported and having the understanding, the tools, the strategies, you realize how empowered you actually are. And so, again, I'm a huge brain science nerd and I won't get too deep into it, but oh, I love the brain science. Good share away. Good. But what we know, we are social primates, right? So we are always looking to one another to determine if we're safe, right? We're always kind of like we we do these experiments with babies where we play um the jack in the box, right? And a mom will have a mom and a baby sitting together, we'll play the jack in the box, like dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. And then the the thing pops up, the baby immediately looks to mom. Immediately, is this safe? Is this good? Is it yes? Are we okay?

Gillian:

Yeah.

Carley:

And if mom communicates, like, oh, that was a little scary, but it was fine. It was okay. Yeah. Then baby gets the message, oh, okay, this is a toy that's safe, right? Whereas if mom's like, oh my God, what was that? It jumped out, baby's gonna start crying. So our kids are always plugged into us to determine what is the emotional temperature. And so I use the phrase a lot as parents, we want to be the thermostat and not the thermometer, right? We want to set the tone, we want to be a cool 72 degrees so that when our kids are in our presence, it feels, oh, okay, this is comfortable and I'm safe. And we're not a thermometer reacting to the tantrum, reacting to, you know, the emotional overwhelm, reacting to the behavior. We're setting the tone, we're not reacting to the tone. So when we talk about co-regulation, our brains literally have neural neurons where they're talking to each other to say, are we safe? And if I got home from work and I'm really cranky and I had a bad day, and my shoulders are up, my pupils are dilated, my jaw is tense, these are the this is how we communicate to especially pre-verbal kids, but through adults. When we come in, like I remember when I was younger, I could tell my dad's mood by how we open the door, you know, like so. When we have all of these ways we're communicating that we don't even know, our kids pick up on that. And then if they feel stressed, guess what? We're gonna get big behaviors. We're gonna get because they're trying to regulate they're feeling that energy. Yeah.

Gillian:

Yeah. And I read on your website you talk about how peace in your heart leads to peace in your home. And as you're talking, and I'm I can imagine I'm not the only one feeling this way. That line makes me want to cry a little bit because it makes me realize that any lack of peace I've carried has trickled down to my children. So help me out here. Can you create a vision for us? I mean, yes, it's create a vision. How can our homes feel when we allow peace to flow into our hearts? Because we have to be open to that. As the adults, we're leading the way. It seems our culture is wanting us to live in fear and disorder right now. If we were open to an alternative, which is what I'm trying to share with the message of Soleil Health and Wellness, be still and live. If you're open to an alternative to the cultural norms and you choose peace amidst the noise, how would that change our homes? Yeah. Yeah.

Carley:

Oof, such big stuff, but also so small too. Because it doesn't, it doesn't take this, okay, we're moving off the grid and we're gonna go, you know, live off the land to get out of this. We can do really small steps. And so one thing I share with families too, it's never too early and it's never too late. Sometimes families will come to like, well, I have a 15 and 17 year old, but it's never too early to do this stuff and it's never too late. Our brains are plastic through life. So I've seen shifts in grandparents that have changed everything. So that's the first piece, just to kind of unburden anyone feeling like, well, I don't know. I've screamed a lot when my kid was a toddler and what have I done? Yeah. And also, you're supposed to yell at your kids. That's okay. I always, you know, my phrase on my podcast is if you're not yelling at your kids, you're not spending enough time with them. That's that's a good one. So it's that's also okay because our kids need to know.

Gillian:

Yeah. There's about certain things that are non-negotiable.

Carley:

Exactly. Yeah. It's about patterning. It's about what is the general pattern my kid feels for me. Do they feel that they're in a calm and safe place? So for parents, what this looks like practically is, you know, I kind of say, just pausing. It sounds, it's the very first intervention I get. You know, I love that. But if I'm like, when your kid is on a like level 13 meltdown, and you've got dinner on the stove, you know you have 14 work emails to get back, and then your spouse just says, like, hey, do we have such and such in the house? Can you run to the store? Whatever. When you're in that moment, especially when your kid is mid-tantrum, pause.

Gillian:

Take that deep breath.

Carley:

Take that pause. I actually put my hand on my heart. I started doing this when my kids were newborns and they were crying and I was overwhelmed. Yeah. I put my hand on my heart to signal safety to my body. Because your brain is thinking, there is a saber-toothed tiger at the door about to come in and like maul us. One's like, no, I have a cranky four-year-old, actually. That's the reality.

Gillian:

It's gonna be okay. Take a breath, relax. It's gonna be okay. Yes. But it's hard to do that when we're in a we're when we're in a chronic state of stress.

Carley:

Exactly.

Gillian:

And when we're dysregulated. So that's why it's so important to acknowledge when that is your chronic state, when that is your normal state, because then you have to make the lifestyle changes. You have to choose peace, which isn't easy.

Carley:

Yeah. It can be simple practices.

Gillian:

Right. Yes. Yeah.

Carley:

Um, very true. Yeah. And so that feeling of not only in the moment during the pause, but out, and this is parents are like, I'm not here to talk about me. I'm like, but that's what we're here for. Because outside of those moments, where am I breaking my stress cycles? And there's many ways to break our stress cycle, right? There's creativity, there's physical movement, there's listening to music, there's social connection, there's all sorts of ways. How do, as a parent, how, what are your tools? Because they're going to be different for everybody, yeah, that breaks your stress cycle.

Gillian:

Yes. The pillars of health and wellness. And our kid, we are teaching our kids how to live life. We are teaching them. So if we're stressing ourselves completely out and we have no tools to regulate ourselves and to feel true joy in our lives, we may feel like, oh, we're I'm sacrificing this for my child, for my child, for my child. Your child is watching you and they are going to grow up to do the same thing and make the same justifications to sacrifice for their child. Our kids need to see us find that balance in our lives because we are mirroring what they're going to look like when they're adults as well. So that being said, Carly, I just want to we're running low on time now. This conversation has been so beautiful. But I'd like to just talk about some practical ways that we can create more ease, play, and connection in the day-to-day grind. Yeah. Increasing those little micro moment that sprinkle joy into our lives.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Gillian:

Some fun ideas that you have as a specialist in this area.

Carley:

So what I so first of all, we're pausing, right? Pausing as much as you can in the moment outside. And remembering that our child's language is play. Right. And so when we want to connect with our kid, the best thing we can do is choose play. Because when we're playing, we feel relaxed. We feel at ease. And so something as simple as, you know, you need your kid to brush their teeth. And you're like, come on, come on, three. If you don't brush your teeth in the next three minutes, we're not going to have time for a book. Like, you know, that fun little stress cycle that you have going on with them. Pausing for a second and asking yourself, can I find a way to be playful? And I say pause first because you can't play if you're stressed. So if we take a moment and we say, okay, we have to go upstairs to brush our teeth. Do we want to slither like snakes moving up the stairs? It is a game changer. It's a game changer, right?

Gillian:

Yes. And it allows you to have more fun in life. Like it's so tempting to be the rigid one, right? But yeah.

Carley:

So always trying to use play, especially for young kids, use plays connection. You know, my kids will be like reluctant to like go outside for a walk or something, especially when my son was younger. I always say like he was an indoor kid. But I knew, okay, I need to kind of get him moving, get him out of the house. And so I would have him bring his sword and bring his shield and say, we're going to the enchanted forest and we have to look for goblins. Right. And that made the walk so much more fun for him than like, how much longer? I'm tired. And we're getting a snack. I'm like, is there a goblin behind that tree? Is there that? And remembering this is a skill, right? A lot of us forget how to play because it's again, we get we get too old to play. Yeah.

Gillian:

Yeah.

Carley:

So this again, it feels unparenting related, but it so is. Which is how do you play? Do you like to have, do you like to dance? Do you like to take your phone outside and get some really cool pictures? Do you like to bake? What are the things that you do? And I ask parents, like, go back to your nine-year-old self. When do you, what did you love? Because that's still in there. And so if we can find how we like to play and then we get filled up, we meet our kids with such ease and connection. Because what are we here for? Like we're here to have some fun, right? We're here to have a good time. We're here to love one another and have a good time. So if it feels overwhelming and stressful, if we shift to ourselves, filling ourselves up, then we can fill our kids up. We have it backwards, right? Like, well, if I can fill the kid up, then I'll be okay. There is no okay, right? It's always this cycle of filling myself up, filling them up, filling myself up, filling them up. Yeah.

Gillian:

We've been led to believe that play ends when you become an adult, but if that is not true. And it doesn't have to be true. And really, it's a choice. And it's just it's creating that time for play. And you're making me realize how important that is for our own mental health as parents, but so much more important to our children too, who are watching us so closely.

Carley:

Yeah. And who are watching us fill ourselves up. Like last summer I did a Broadway theater camp for grown-ups in New York City. Just because I was like, I want to go sing and dance for three days. You guys get to do it. Oh, that sounds amazing. And I came home from those workshops, and my kids were like, mommy, what'd you learn? What'd you do? And I'm like, oh, it was so fun. And like, so they see the spark in me, it leads to a spark in them. And now it's a reciprocity, not just like a oh, I'm doing everything and I'm bleeding myself dry for you. Because that's gonna breed resentment and that's also gonna breed conflict. Right.

Gillian:

Oh, I would love to keep talking, Carly, but I know you need to go. And I want to respect your time. And I also want you to have the opportunity to share how people can connect with you, how they can work with you, and maybe some of the things that you offer to support parents because I know that's so important to you.

Carley:

Absolutely. Thanks for asking. So I have a podcast as well, which I title is Good Enough Parenting. Um, again, we the idea is that we don't need our kids do not need a perfect parent. That's actually bad for them. We just need to be good enough. So it kind of relieves parents of these pressures and also teaches them different uh ways they can connect with their kids through play, um, through breaking stress cycles. So good enough parenting is where I'm kind of found all over the world, wherever you get your podcasts. Um, I also um do individual work with families and I have online, a self-paced online parenting course. So if you go to paceparent.com, um, you can find all my information there. And Pace is it stands for parenting all children effectively, paceparent.com. You can either work with me individually. I work with families all over the world, all over the globe. And I also do a self-paced um class. So if it's more you want to do something on your timeline, that's available too. And you can find me um on the socials. I'm very hit or miss because I like to unplug a lot. That's not a bad thing to talk about, but unplugging as a parent. I'll throw everything up. I think we need another episode, Carly. I'm talking about that alone.

unknown:

Yeah.

Carley:

But that's Carly Councils. So you can find me on the socials at Carly Councils. So, Jillian, this was such a beautiful conversation. Thank you so much.

Gillian:

Such a heartwarming conversation. I know that I have been uplifted, and there's so many who are listening who I'm sure needed this message as much as I did. So I appreciate you being here and sharing your wisdom. And I look forward to staying in touch with you and continuing to follow the work you do because it is so necessary.

Carley:

I love it. And to all the parents, go have a dance party. Go put your favorite song on, move your body, have a dance party, slow it down.

Gillian:

Oh my goodness. We're recording this on a Thursday. I'm gonna have a Thursday night dance party. Thank you for the reminder to have fun. Well, that's what we're here for. That's what we're here for. Thank you so much, Gillian. Good to be here. Thank you. You too. What a refreshing and hope-filled conversation. I so needed that conversation today. And it really did create a lot of peace in my life just by understanding that I'm not alone and that we don't have to be perfect. What our kids need is our presence. They need us to repair when something's been broken. And we need to remember that we can't co-regulate our kids until we learn to regulate ourselves first. If this episode spoke to you, I encourage you to follow Carly on Instagram at Carly Counsels or reach out to her for personal support with your parenting. She's there to offer you gentle, evidence-based support along the way. Until next time, take a breath and be still. Thank you so much for listening to Be Still and Live. If today's episode brought you a breath of peace or a moment of clarity, I'd love for you to subscribe, leave a review, or share it with someone who might need it too. For more resources to support your journey toward a slower, simpler, more connected life, visit similecoaching.com or connect with me on Instagram at SimolaCoaching. Until next time, be simple and live.