When Trust Breaks: The First Step Most Couples Miss

When trust has been shattered by betrayal, addiction, lies, or deep disappointment, most couples try to rush back to normal before real healing has happened. 

In this episode, we share why rebuilding trust does not start with quick apologies or forced forgiveness, but with deep healing, honest understanding, and facing the real roots behind the pain. 

We open up about our own story, the role of community, and why true restoration is possible even when the journey feels messy and slow. 

If your marriage has been wounded, this conversation will give you hope, direction, and a biblical path forward.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

You ready?

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Let's roll. All right. Welcome back to another episode of the Marriage Ignite podcast with Mike and Janelle Friedrich. And we are, I think we've been looking forward to doing this episode for a while because quite honestly, it's probably one of the most frequently asked questions and areas of help that we get from people asking us online or even our clients, and that is rebuilding trust in a marriage when trust has been broken. And trust is a very big, you know, point, but there's a lot of different areas of trust. But I think a lot of what we're going to be talking about today is some of the like the big T, meaning the big trust. And when some more significant areas of trust have been broken, how do you get that back? And can you get it back? Is it possible to get it back? You know, the world is going to tell you, move on with your life. And God sometimes has a different way of looking at this. And so today we're going to be talking about something that many, many marriages eventually will face at one form or another. And again, rebuilding trust after there's been deep hurt. So for many of you that are listening, let me say this all right. Um, you may have experienced broken trust through betrayal, infidelity, lies, it's in emotional distance, repeated disappointment. And so for many of you listening, this is gonna be a topic, but for some of you, this is where you're living right now. Yeah. You're in the moment. And you're it's really hard sometimes to think clearly. What do I do, Lord? Do I stay? Do I go? How do I heal? Can I even heal? And it's really hard to actually even think clearly. And so we're gonna actually talk about, I think, the most important first step in this process. There's several steps. We're not gonna get into all of them today, but I really we want to camp out on really the most important one that we feel is where we're gonna start. And so you can get through this. Let me give you some encouragement before we get into the meat of this, because I want to say this is that you can get through this. There is hope and there's light at the end of the tunnel. The road's not easy, but I will tell you it's worth it if you're willing to do the work. Regardless of even if your spouse is willing or wanting to do the work right now, you're gonna need to do the work yourself because it really starts with you and making the decision to start that healing journey. And we really, really pray that if you are going through the season right now, that your spouse is on board and your spouse is wanting to heal and do whatever is necessary to rebuild the trust. But even if he or she is not, this still is gonna apply for you, even more so, probably. And we've had to walk through rebuilding trust so we can speak from experience. Trust is built in drops, or I should say it's earned in drops and it's lost in buckets. And again, like I said, there are several steps to healing when trust has been broken and it's messy, it's not linear. And we're gonna share what we believe these steps are over the next several episodes. And so let's start with the first step, which is healing from what happened.

SPEAKER_00 2:53

Yeah. Deep inner healing. And like Mike said, there's so many steps to rebuilding back trust. We believe that this one is the most important one is deep healing that needs to take place because before trust can be rebuilt, the wound has to be acknowledged and healed. It has to be acknowledged and healed. And there also has to be understanding, like why did it actually happen? Why did this betrayal or why are the addictions happening, or why the lies, why the infidelity, really understanding why it happened. Now, I want to say this. This is really important. Forgiveness and trust are two different things because you can forgive someone, you can forgive your spouse, but trust still needs to be rebuilt. And trust doesn't come back just because someone says, I'm sorry, like I'm sorry, you know? Um, trust is built back over time and it's built back in drops, like Mike said. And it definitely doesn't come back overnight. Real trust is built step by step. This is where many couples get stuck, is they want to skip past a part and they want to move straight to, hey, let's just get back to normal. Let's just forget about it. Why do you keep asking me? I know when it wasn't normal before. Actually, this probably happened. Whatever has happening to you or happened to you is is shaking you to want to turn you back to the Lord and get on your knees and fight and pray and war for your marriage and your family like you never have before. So this is actually often, and this is what we tell our clients like, this is good news. It's not good news that that that this betrayal or infidelity or addiction happened, but this is where you can begin to rebuild and rebuild it right and rebuild it on God's rock, on his foundation, not on the world, not on yourself, not on everything else. And so it's important that we don't use those words. I'm talking to both the husband and wife. Well, let's just like, let's forget about it. Like, let's move past this. Why aren't you over this? We hear those things all the time and it makes things worse. And it actually makes things take a lot longer. Yeah. Which is really sad because you're, you're, you're not really dealing with the pain or dealing with the betrayal and doing the deep work that really needs to be done.

SPEAKER_01 5:08

Yeah, I remember when I had back surgery in 2014, I had my L5S1 discs fused. And if any of you have had back surgery, it's not a quick healing process. I mean, it was very invasive, but I remember going through that. And it would be, you know, imagine you you just had a major operation and you know, it's gonna take weeks, if not months, to heal. And you just get out of the hospital, you go home, and then you start wanting to work out again. It's just you cannot microwave that process. And if you do that, if you try to rush through it, you're gonna make things even worse. You can't, you can't do that. And this is really no different. I mean, yes, it's not a physical wound, it may be more an emotional wound, but it's it's still the same. It's still the same.

SPEAKER_00 5:53

Well, and what happens is when we actually try to rush through it and push through it, you don't really fully heal all the way. And then it comes back years later. It rears its ugly head again because you really didn't walk through the forgiveness, you really didn't walk through rebuilding back trust. And then something else happens and that same wound is brought back up again. And you really, really, really don't want to do that because you really want to make sure that if there's been something that's painful that's happened in the marriage, there's like Mike said, there's a real injury to the heart, there's a real injury to the soul, to the spirit, to the mind. And you can't simply just uh sweep that pain under the rug and pretend it didn't happen. Because again, when pain gets buried, if it gets buried, I mean, it just it doesn't just disappear, it doesn't disappear. It can come back, like we said, in other ways. It can come back through emotional triggers, it can come back through anger, it can show up with distance and anxiety. I mean, there's so many ways that it comes back. You end up taking it out on your kids, you end up taking it out on each other. And so it's really, really important that you walk through deep healing. And I know that we've brought this up on some of the past episodes. We believe that there's there's two ways you change. And it's emotional implantation, like something emotional implants, like like you you hear something or something happens to you, and it's an emotional implantation. But then also a second way that you change is through repetition. And so we will cover topics and talk about these things over and over again because we need to hear them over and over and over again until until it clicks, until there is an aha moment, until you're like, wait, I've heard that like 10 times and now the 11th time I'm finally getting it. And so we we will bring stuff back up again over and over again for a reason. And we believe inner healing and doing the deep inner healing deliverance work, doing the stuff that because I remember when we there was I don't know if it was so much betrayal at the beginning of our healing journey, but it was the addiction. It was that we were partying, we were there was the drugs, the alcohol, and there was just it was really messy. Like our life was so out of order. Like we did not, God wasn't in the picture. Our marriage was last. We worked first, we went out and partied and alcohol came first. And so for us, it I don't know if that was betrayal more, it was more dysfunction that we had to work through a lot of dysfunction and a lot of getting right with each other and getting, but when we started our journey, it was me that jumped on board first. I was like, I can't live like this anymore. I'm a mess. Like, what in the world? And I started to work on the things that I was dealing with in the moment. But then what my coach did and my mentor really helped me connect on that I didn't have a dad growing up. I didn't really see him. He they my parents divorced when I was five, almost six. And so we started to connect the dots to the healing that needed to take place with my earthly father, and then the healing that needed to take place with siblings, even and my mother, and there were all these things that were stuff from my past, yeah, which I wasn't expecting when I was when I made the decision to go into like, okay, I need to like something's wrong with me. I don't like feeling this way anymore, something's wrong in our relationship. I'm not living like this anymore. And I wasn't expecting to go back into some of those those deep places that I didn't even know were there that were impacting us and impacting our marriage.

SPEAKER_01 9:13

And if if some of you are listening to this and a lot of guys see, um, we don't want to go here. You know, I was talking to a dad of one of my son's friends the other night, and you know, him and his wife are working through some things with a you know different counselor, and he was he was saying, gosh, and she's she starts asking me about my my mommy and daddy, and I'm just like, oh gosh, here we go again, talking about mom and dad. And like it wasn't in the moment, it wasn't the right timing to say, well, okay, there's actually some real reasons why there's why they're doing that, because these way that you're feeling didn't just happen because one of you woke up one morning and said, Yep, today's the day that I'm gonna have an affair with somebody. Yep, today's the day. Today's the day that's gonna happen. There's always in you look back, and it doesn't excuse any of the behavior, but again, goes back to your point. Understanding is one of the key key places because at the end of the day, it will help you with the understanding and the forgiveness. Again, it doesn't excuse any of the behavior, but you can understand and trace the roots back. Because if you don't understand those roots, we're gonna continue to repeat those cycles. And you know, I grew up, you know, we let me share a little bit of my background too.

SPEAKER_00 10:21

Yeah, and I want you to share with them, because we talked about this a little bit before we started recording, is like what what is blocking men? Because usually the woman, this isn't always the case, but most of the time is the woman is like puts her hand up, I want help, like I'm I'm you know, and they she starts her journey. And the husbands are a lot more resistant, very resistant. Like it's and so I want you to share not only part of your story, but share like what what was it for you? What did you do for the men listening, even for the women to encourage because it I jumped on board first and it took some time for you to really go, okay, I need to start doing some deep work too. I need to quit drinking, I need to figure out why I can not quit drinking and deal with that addiction, but then also do the deep work that needed to be done so that we could have a healthy marriage. But then God wants us to be whole, he wants us to heal, he wants us to get delivered, he wants us to be free, not perfect, but he really wants us to live in what he's called us to live in and really walk out our destiny and our mission that he's called us to do on this planet.

SPEAKER_01 11:22

Yes. Wow. Well, and I for a lot of guys, and I'm speaking for myself here, is that I was afraid of doing it wrong. I was afraid of being found out that I wasn't a good enough husband, that I wasn't successful enough. And it was so much fear because a lot of this stuff I wasn't ever taught how to process my emotions growing up. I mean, I had great parents, but they lived in a different generation. And in the environment that I grew up in, the church environment that I grew up, we didn't talk about our personal problems. There was no such thing as sharing a testimony. I don't even know what the word testimony even meant until I was 32 old. And so any problems that we had, we kept it really tight. We kept it under lock and key and no one knew what was going on. Everything was very private. And certainly we didn't talk about emotions. I didn't wasn't taught how to process emotions. So if I didn't know how to process my emotions, I sure as heck wasn't able to figure out how to be with her emotions. And so I really had to be honest with without because honor and honesty can both coexist.

SPEAKER_00 12:21

That is so good. Say that again.

SPEAKER_01 12:23

Honor and honesty can both coexist. And for most men, we have a fear of maybe dishonoring our family, parents. And some of you grew up in some super dysfunctional upbringings. And then I'm sorry if that was you. Some of you, maybe it was kind of like functional dysfunction. That makes sense. I mean, our parents were, you know, they were very successful, but alcohol was a very common thing in our home. And so I didn't, I just alcohol was just something that was always around. So when I got to college, you know, I just I drank. And drinking led to drugs, and it just led to drinking every day, coming home from work when I got older, and I could justify it because I wasn't doing drugs anymore, but I was drinking. And so that led me down this path of like, okay, God, why what is causing me to run when tension hits? Like, what is that? Lord, what is that? And what it came down to is fear. I was so afraid of not being enough, and I really didn't even know what that meant. What does not being enough mean? And so if you're a a man or husband listening to this, because wives tend to, you know, you you'll jump into these conversations a lot quicker than usually men will.

SPEAKER_00 13:32

But we'll generally speak and jump into healing, jump into we usually have a tendency to jump into healing, jump into all the things of God, all the things of the Bible, all the things we're uh often a lot more open to all of that.

SPEAKER_01 13:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:46

Um, not always the case, but most of the case.

SPEAKER_01 13:49

And I couldn't short circuit that. I couldn't, I couldn't go around that. I couldn't go under it. I couldn't go, I had to go right through that. We call it going through the wall. And going through that wall is really dealing with, okay, what is the fear? Because we're going to be moving in one direction or the other. Love or fear, one of those two directions. And anger is always going to be a secondary emotion to fear. And so I had to get real with what am I really afraid of? Where is that coming from? And until I got to the root of that, then I was never going to be able to heal, heal from that. And it wasn't easy at first. But the more that I started to really stop and listen to the Holy Spirit, God, what is going on with me? Where is that coming from? Why am I so afraid to actually just not run when tension hits? Because that was my default. I would run. When tension hit, I would run.

SPEAKER_00 14:35

Yeah. Or why, why did you, why was it so why were you so fearful of wanting to do the work? Like men are really fearful of the deep inner healing work. Is it because they don't want to be exposed? Is it because they don't want to go back to memories or they don't want to, they think they're fine. Everything's fine. I'm fine. We're fine.

SPEAKER_01 14:56

Well, part of it is we were never taught this. Yeah. And when you don't understand something, you're always going to fear it. Yeah. You will always fear what you do not understand. So part of that is just most of us were never taught this. I mean, my dad, he was an amazing guy, amazing father. I miss him dearly. But again, different generation. There was no such thing as this kind of stuff.

SPEAKER_00 15:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:16

Marriage coaching back when he grew up. There was none of this.

SPEAKER_00 15:18

Well, they didn't talk about inner humanity. No, they didn't talk about it.

SPEAKER_01 15:20

No.

SPEAKER_00 15:21

Like none of that stuff was talked about back then and now.

SPEAKER_01 15:23

But also it's about going back to looking weak. We don't like looking weak, which is the same reason why I will wander the aisles of Home Depot for two hours looking for a 3/8-inch hex nut before I'm going to ask anybody for help looking for it.

SPEAKER_00 15:38

That's so funny. I'm not going to ask for help. But so and what's interesting is us as the wife don't think it's weak.

SPEAKER_01 15:43

And you're like, why did you go ask for help?

SPEAKER_00 15:45

But no, I'm just saying in general, like when I see that you're doing the deep work and you come and share with me things about God and what God's showing you and things you're learning in the Bible. Oh my gosh, like for me, I look at it as being strong. I look at it as being, whoa, he is the spiritual initiator of the home. Wow, I get turned on.

SPEAKER_01 16:03

See, this is good information. You need to share this. Wives if you're listening.

SPEAKER_00 16:07

Well, and husbands, if you're listening to it.

SPEAKER_01 16:08

Wives, well, both. Wives, if you're listening to this, tell this to your husband. You're such a turn on when you read your Bible or whatever it is that you're doing.

SPEAKER_00 16:16

Well, and then even when you started doing the deep work with me, and you started doing your own journey and your own healing, I was like, oh my gosh, this is the man that I always dreamed of having. This is the man I wanted to build you up. I wanted to like lift you up. I wanted to encourage you. I was like, keep going. I love this. So it's interesting that the men think it's weak or the men, they don't want to take the time. They're too busy. Maybe they they work too much and they're like, that's too much to do. I'm gonna have to do all these appointments with a coach or a therapist, or you know, I mean, there's all these stories that go on in the men's head when it's like, well, wow, if they actually knew that their wives would love it, their wives would be turned on by it, their wives would be like, oh my gosh, this is everything I've always dreamed of.

SPEAKER_01 17:01

Us guys, it's usually never been modeled before. I I talked about growing up never taught this, but teaching and then being it modeled by being around the environment. That's why being in healthy environments is so critical. Going to marriage conferences, putting yourself in a room and just putting yourself out there. I remember a good friend of mine. He was sharing, and he's a pastor, and it's an incredible testimony and story that him and his wife have. And they they pass for church now. And, you know, he there was a moral failure years ago, and it blew up the church. And but yet this has become their ministry. And he's shared his testimony over and over and over. And I think it was the third time that I heard it, it was it finally hit me. But I I started to see him not as a guy that I didn't look up to. I mean, the more that he shared it, I'm like, man, this guy has something figured out that I don't.

unknown 17:52

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 17:52

He has so more courage, and it was so my spirit was leaping. I thought, that's a guy I can follow. Wow. That's a guy I can follow because he had so much courage. And so for wives, husbands, I just want to encourage you, isn't it? Where the enemy will develop its negatives, his negatives. So when we go into isolation, this is where the enemy has it's his playground. And for many of guys, when we do have a failure, we just want to run. There's shame, there's all of it. And I'm telling you, it's the worst place we can go. This is where you've got to circle the wagons and get around a group of men that will lift you up, speak life into you, encourage you, and remind you that how God sees you is so radically different than how you even see yourself right now. And there is healing on the other side of this for both of you if you're willing to do the work. And so understanding that, I work with a lot of guys who have the full head knowledge. They understand, oh, God forgives me and all that, but it hasn't transcended down to the heart. So that 18-inch descent from here to here is sometimes the hardest 18 inches that will ever go. And that's really what we're talking about here.

SPEAKER_00 19:01

I want to, I want to just jump it, like say something about community and how many men and women that we talk to who stay in isolation, especially when infidelity or something happens in the marriage, betrayal, addictions, they go into isolation and they stay away from people because they're embarrassed. They don't want people to know, they don't know who to trust. But it's one of our favorite things to do is to bring community, to bring community for the wife, to bring community for the husband, to get around God fearing, not just godly, but God-fearing people that are like-minded, that are on the same path, that want the same thing in life, and to they're there to help encourage you and build you up. And so it's really important that you have community. And when when when when when the men get in community and the women, your acceleration of healing and rebuilding back trust is unbelievable. There's like an acceleration when you're getting the individual work separately, which needs to be done, and then you're getting the work done together, but then you're in community. We literally see that's why we love our intensive so much, is we work with you separately, we bring you together, and then we also do group settings. And so the acceleration of healing and growth is three building back trust is huge. Now I want to share this real quick, babe. Did you want to say something there?

SPEAKER_01 20:15

Well, I yeah, there is one more point is that when we're in community, this is where a lot of guys, maybe, or wives too. I don't want to make any more disclaimers for both of you, okay? Is there's a fear of I'm the only one and I can't believe this happened to us, or I can't believe I did that. Can I just be honest with you? We're all dealing with some similar version of the same thing.

SPEAKER_00 20:35

We're all broken.

SPEAKER_01 20:36

You know what I mean? Like I love when in our husbands of valor intensive, the guys would come in, finally, for the first time in their lives, they get to drop the mask, and guys are so open, they're like, hey, you too, buddy, join the club. Not from a badge of honor standpoint. I want to make sure I'm clear on that, but from sometimes the most powerful sermon in the world is two words, me too, meaning I've been there and I can relate. And so I say that to know that, gosh, you know what? I know your individual journey is unique to you, but when you know that, hey, you know what? When I started telling our friend who's become, he's a pastor, and I started hearing his story, and I'm thinking, my gosh, okay, there is healing. There's healing. He uh, I'm just telling you, I'm like, wow, I can relate. That's me. That is me. All right, go ahead, babe.

SPEAKER_00 21:20

By him sharing his story, you were able to connect because then you know that you're not the only one. Isn't that interesting that the devil will do that? He'll make you think you're the only one going through what you're going through, or you're the only one feeling unworthy or not enough, or failure, or shame, or guilt. Man, it is such a lie. All of us have our own stuff that we're working through. All of us have failed, all of us have sinned, all of us have walked through deep, dark stuff. And the moment that you think that you that you know, you're all alone, the devil's got you. And so, but I what I wanted to share was I met with a gal today and she wanted to hear more about what we were doing. And um, and so it was so beautiful to hear her story because. her story too was she was the the you know her being the wife her husband did not know god and things were falling apart they were losing everything and she fell to her knees she was the one that fell to her knees and really dedicated I mean they'd go to church and things like that but real lukewarm and and he had really nothing really to do with God and she is the one who fell to her knees she was the one who fell to her knees and said okay I'm not living like this anymore Lord we can't do this without you I need you and she is on fire for the Lord now. I mean just on fire and it's so cool to see because he's now like come around. I mean it's been you know within the last six nine months I'm not sure exactly the exact time frame but he's now come around and he's just on fire for God now. But and and again we got into this conversation this morning that he doesn't have community. He doesn't have men. So I was like okay I'm gonna connect let's connect him with my husband and and so we're we're all about connecting and we want to connect. But I the reason why I bring this up is the I hear story after story after story after story of wives that made the decision. And so I want to speak to you wives because I know that we get a lot of wives do the work get the inner healing done go get follow to your knees get on your knees ask God for help he will show up and help and he'll start bringing people into your life and he may have brought in us he may have brought in this podcast he may have brought in our social media who knows and it's it could it could be a sign. Ask him is this what you're bringing me Lord that I'm gonna need the deep or I'm going to be able to get the deep inner healing and work done that needs to be done because I'm telling you that was one thing that you said to me babe is that you said I saw he saw me doing the work. He saw me just beginning to flourish and I was smiling more and I was happy more and I was treating him better and I was loving him better and and I was wanting to fight the battle of alcoholism with him instead of fighting it against him and fighting against him. I was like no we're gonna beat this together. And so it was the often it's I want to speak to your wife it's the wife often that goes first fall to your knees get help do the deep inner work because often your husband will see it.

SPEAKER_01 24:08

We'll never underestimate the power of a praying wife and I think for us men, we deeply so want to be your your hero. And the part that I think you left out about that story, the gal that you met today is that you know her husband had a business that you know business failure and there was so much shame that went into that that when men feel a failure, a deep failure whether it's financial moral failure, they just want to bury themselves because it's embarrassing or they feel it's embarrassing and they just want to hide, which is where I was I remember there was a moment when we had a business failure several years ago and I went into a seven day I didn't want to talk to anybody. I didn't even talk to you and it was a really dark time and there was a moment where you grew you you shook me and I don't the details are a little fuzzy.

SPEAKER_00 24:57

I don't know if you grabbed my face or what I remember grabbing your face and just talking to your identity.

SPEAKER_01 25:02

Snapped me out of it. Said this is not who you are I commanded the but you also started to speak into who I who I was and I was I I woke up I mean that's the only way I can describe what happened is I woke up and that's all they needed. And I didn't know how to tell you that because number one I didn't know how to but number two I was even if I did know I was probably afraid to tell to ask for you ask that from you. So for wives some of the questions we get a lot is why does there always know the wives? Why does wives to do this? Well why not?

SPEAKER_00 25:32

God made you.

SPEAKER_01 25:32

God equipped you with a unique ability to sense things that sometimes husbands don't sense or they don't know how to articulate it or they're afraid to and again you can attribute that well maybe we weren't taught it doesn't excuse it but for most of us we just came into marriage very unequipped to know how to provide for you emotionally. And you know that was me. That was me. And so one of the most powerful things that that you can do as a husband if you're listening to this if you're the husband is to acknowledge when trust has been broken and to acknowledge the pain without becoming defensive. And many men, many of us, we want to fix things as quickly as we can. I mean who doesn't? I mean I don't like seeing an uh if you walk around my house if there's a a light bulb that goes out my gosh it drives me crazy. I mean that stinking thing will be fixed in about 30 seconds. I just don't like broken things in my house. And we want to move things we want to move from here to there really quickly and I don't want to keep revisiting the past. I mean no one really likes revisiting the past but it is necessary.

SPEAKER_00 26:35

Real quick, there's a proper way to do it.

SPEAKER_01 26:37

Sure.

SPEAKER_00 26:38

You need to be taught how to because you don't want to keep ripping the band-aid off. You don't want the wound to so if there's a proper way to heal there's a proper way to rebuild back trust and do it in a way where I'm not pushing you further into shit to shame and guilt. There's a proper way to do it.

SPEAKER_01 26:53

Very good. Yeah yeah and we hear that a lot from couples where you know the wife maybe will bring up the past over and the husband will be like why do we got to keep going back here? And the reason because we keep going back here is because the wound, the broken bone was never set and work correctly in the first place.

SPEAKER_00 27:10

And it wasn't done the right way.

SPEAKER_01 27:12

Or the wife never felt like you actually heard her and she never felt like you really got her in the first place. Wow I can't tell you how many times I come across that and so there's a proper way and this is where we go really deep in our intensives and my husband's a ballor intensive and you go deep into that and your wise wife's intensive okay how do you actually be there for the wife when she's expressing her pain how do you actually be there for her because I will tell you if you actually do this properly and again that's never linear so there's no formula for this but this is the most important part is when you know I disclose the infidelity to you after hiding a deep secret for years, I was willing to be there because I couldn't heal you only Jesus could but I could help I could help you in that process and and part of that process was being committed to however long it was going to take is however long it was going to take. I knew it wasn't going to take three weeks whether it took three years, 15 years, whatever I was willing to do whatever it took. And I never tried to impose my timeline on yours, on you.

SPEAKER_00 28:17

But the fact that you allowed me to work with Jesus and to heal and you were there for me when I needed and again there's a proper way to do this both with husband and wife our healing went so fast. And it's again how do you know that you've forgiven someone I've talked about this in a past episode is that thing is now an event of whatever happened is now an event. It's part of your testimony it's part of your story and it doesn't trigger you. It doesn't, you know what I mean? So not only is there need to be the forgiveness there, but there needs to be the trust that's built back so that you don't get the trigger anymore. So then you know you're not bringing up the past over and over and ripping that band-aid off again. So again, we really want to encourage you to get help if you're dealing with this even if it's the two of you together get help or if it's one or the other and your your spouse isn't ready yet, get help because you will then know how to help that other spouse. You'll know how to react you'll know how to respond you'll know how to deal you'll know how to you'll be doing your own healing which often the other spouse will want healing too.

SPEAKER_01 29:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:21

And so get help. Don't stay stuck.

SPEAKER_01 29:24

And I'll I want to leave you this one final piece of encouragement. And if you're listening to this and you're not seeing the video, I want to tell you for us, because we we told you before that you're I think we said this in the beginning. If not I'll say it now is that if you do the work, your marriage can actually be stronger and better than it was before. So here's what I mean by that. When before I disclosed you know my infidelity years ago I mean we were like this so imagine two hands you know praying or two hands together we were good. But when we walked through that healing process in that time in our marriage went from like this to like this where now our hands are clasped and the fingers are interlocked.

SPEAKER_00 30:03

Our intimacy our love our our connection with God yeah God being the the the the rock everything shifted.

SPEAKER_01 30:12

Because we finally understood all of the different elements of trust and how do you build trust and there's there's several layers to building trust and we're gonna go through more of those layers in future episodes but I think this first one is I think the right place to start which is getting healing for you. Regardless of whether your spouse is wanting to go on this journey with you or not, you can't control your husband or your your wife but you can control how you're gonna respond. And the Lord is not asking you to fix your spouse. The Lord is asking you to heal you and he wants to go on that journey with you. So with that, God bless you. Thank you so much. And in the show notes we've mentioned our intensives which is a husbands of valor and the ones that Janelle walks her wives through which is wise wives we'll leave those links down in the show notes and you can click on the link and find out more. All right so hopefully this added value hopefully this gave you some direction if you're in that season right now but we will tell you that God wants to walk you through this healing and your marriage can be uh better on the other side of this and you will be healthier on the other side of this as well. Anything else, babe? No, that's all right God bless you we'll see you in future episode