Are Low Effort Friendships Still "Real" Friendships?

Are low effort friendships still real friendships? Or do real friendships require consistent effort, deep conversations, and intentional time together?

In this episode, we're diving into what high and low maintenance friendships actually mean, which ones we are, and whether low effort automatically means low value. We get honest about how most of us were never taught how to do friendships intentionally—we just kind of figured it out as we went, and sometimes that's left us confused about what we should expect.

We talk about how to build deeper, richer friendships when you want more than surface-level connections, what friendship expectations look like in different seasons of life, and whether it's okay to have friends you only see twice a year but still consider close.

This conversation is about redefining what makes a friendship "real" and figuring out what you actually need from your people.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:23

Hello, everybody. Hi, people. How are we doing? How are you doing? We're almost finishing Q1, right? Yes. The first quarter is three months, right? Yeah. Yeah. We're almost at the end of March. Can you believe it?

unknown 0:36

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 0:36

I think once January ended, the month said to roll by. Yeah. Pretty much. I guess. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm okay with it rolling. Just keep going at this point. So anyway. How was I guess International Women's Day for you guys? Did you do anything special? Go to any event. Yo, every year I keep saying that I want to do a like patent of the events that are being hosted on Web Every year. I don't I don't know why. But anyway. Next year we try again. Oh god, please. This time more intentionally. Maybe I'll put it on my calendar. Anyway. Anyways, guys. Welcome to another episode. Thank you so much. Thank you for being here. I'm working on my heart, guys. Please tell me this is good. Let's see. No, it looks it looks round. You know what? See eh. Haters will hate potatoes with potates. So you know what? That's really we learned confidence last week. I'll be last two weeks. Confidence. Regardless. Always and always. Anyway. My heart looks better. It looks better. If you're listening to this on Spotify, you can go on our YouTube. Oh, yeah, that's true. They're probably wondering like, what are we talking about? You can go on YouTube and see this heart because, girl, okay. All right. What are we talking about today? So today we're talking about how do I phrase this? Do friendships need maintenance? Is it necessary? Is it not necessary? Low, high oh, low maintenance, high maintenance, high maintenance friends, low maintenance friends. Actually, to start, yeah. Are you a high maintenance or low maintenance friend? I think I'm a dummy friend. You're high maintenance. You know, that is the most you know. Okay, maybe let's start with defining what that means. Like I have expectations of my friends, and I don't know why that should mean high or low maintenance. Like, I don't even know who made it high or low to start with. Yeah, but like, but that's the thing. I think I think okay, let me let me explain since I said you're high maintenance. Yes, thank you. I will explain. I think the maintenance thing is in comparison to other people. So let's say you have five friends, and then based on what the expectations that each friend has, some people have more expectations, so maintaining the friendship becomes high maintenance. I think it depends on low expectations. I agree. I think it depends on the yeah, I still will give you high maintenance. That's fine. So you think I'm high maintenance, another friend of mine will probably say I'm low maintenance. That's why I said in comparison. Another friend of mine will probably say I have um not any zero maintenance. I think it depends. I think it depends. So now, what's that high maintenance? Like, why was what is the high what what makes it high compared to low, I guess. Um, like I said, in comparison to everybody else's expectations, it's everybody else's expectations. So some people, okay, it's like you know, I say I have expectations of my friends. I expect that we will maybe go for wings, which we have to go for these wings, one of these days. Every time another year, another promise. So yeah, the year has just begun. We're still in Q1. Oh, see, I might surprise you, anyway. We should actually drop these wings, please. Go for drinks. I don't know, something else. That's how you know that we really do like our chickens. Sorry to the veggies, sorry to vegetables. Sorry to the veggies, really, really. But yes, so let's say you're expecting that um okay, we have to communicate every, I don't know, weekly, for instance. Um I'm just giving examples. Yeah, um, you have to fill out my friendship form every two years. Okay, you have to. I don't know. I'm just thinking like off the top of my head. So that's what makes it so, and because other friends don't maybe necessarily ask for those things, exactly. That's why it is. So it's not so bad. No, no, no, what I'm saying is that so it's not like there is like a standard, like a generic standard of okay, high to low. It's just to me, I don't think, but then also I will have to say my understanding of friendship has changed a lot too. So even the kind of friend that I am and want to be has also adjusted, and I think that I was used to um at the bare minimum, yeah, law effort relationships. Okay, so but now you want you don't you you want more effort. I mean, if the relationships are going to be because they they will now end up being a lot more surface, right? So if you want to have deeper relationships, it will require a level of high maintenance, period. Yeah, so I guess that's my understanding, but I don't know how what is high maintenance, low maintenance. That's what I think. Yeah, but what do you think? Yeah, I think maybe because that's what I was gonna say, like maybe starting with like what are the things that are even like the things that people talk about, like maintenance, like what is the maintenance things, right? So I guess one of it that you mentioned filling out friendship form every two years. I don't know how we want to grow if we don't know what we need to do. We have conversations, yeah. But I like okay, let's say the truth. All the conversations we have, and then the questionnaires you get, are they the same? Would would we have randomly spoken about those things? So, why don't we randomly speak about? I don't think because it's I don't know, like because for me, I don't think they're just natural conversations that just come up. No, but why can't we do? Okay, let's go out for wings and have friendship reviewed days. I wish I could show you this long as okay. So the politics because we voted down. That's the problem, and then I have to now sit and think if we go out, will you not think? I will think, but like I won't have to type it out. So that's the problem. Are you still like, but then also also because it's new to me, okay. I've you're the only person in my life who has ever sent me friendship form, maybe because I'm doing like I'm calling that yearly review. Maybe I should have given you a form like at the beginning, very start. Like, let's even start. Are we gonna be friends? Can you feel forms? You're also the only person in my life who has told me we're gonna have this conversation. Are we friends? Are we moving towards friendship? What's going on? Like, what are we had if you've had a what are we conversation with your girlfriend, like your friend, your friend, yeah, please but I don't think that's high maintenance, I think that is intentionality. Okay, I think that is putting in the work. Am I wrong, guys? You're right, you're right, but like I said, in comparison to what I knew, okay, you're a lot more intense for lack of a better word, or intentional. Okay, let's say that. Okay, so anyway, that's fine, that's fine. So now I guess as I said, like starting with like what is maintenance or like what are some of the things, like I guess maybe calling, because they're just generic ways to maintain friendship. I think I guess calling, texting, visiting each other.

unknown 8:35

What else do people do?

SPEAKER_01 8:37

That's really it, just it's a lot more communicating. Yeah, the people require gifts, telling me about yourself. Oh well, yeah, I guess that's that's support. Okay, then now we now put it into low and high maintenance, which is like I guess the person that does not require a call for the next six months is low maintenance compared to the one you have to call every week, something like that. Have you? I think so, yes.

unknown 9:08

Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_01 9:09

So now why you don't talk to somebody for six months? What kind of friend again, guys? Because honestly, I've just wondered what we're doing here. No, I get what you mean, but I actually have friends that I consider actual friends. Yeah, you don't talk for six months. Okay, maybe six months is a stretch, but yeah, like we don't talk as often as yeah. I have friends that we don't talk as often. There we go. Yeah, but not six months often. Okay, how is it? Not three months often, and okay, another thing is okay, maybe I should say it like this. Maybe talk, maybe saying, Oh, we don't talk to seeming like maybe we'll share things on Instagram here and there, send each other picture, da da da, just random things, and then yeah, it's more conversation, yeah. But like the talking, talking, maybe if we have to like I don't know, go in depth, yeah, into stuff, yeah. So maybe two months, yeah, maybe every two months. I should do better. So you guys don't talk at all for months, yeah. And they're my really good friends, and I I really love them. I'm not saying it's easy because I don't even know. I don't even know because I don't understand how we will not talk for months. No, but like we don't have the long let's catch up calling. Okay, no, so do you put talk at all? Yeah, no, like sorry, not at all. We do we do talk, okay. Can a month go and you won't talk? Like on the phone, any talk? No, no, like maybe sharing memes there and there. Oh, okay. But yes, a month can go and so a whole month, and you'll not know if they are lying on the hospital bed as they were sending memes, yeah. I know. Um okay, okay, let's doctor because now I'm feeling like an evolution. So maybe maybe we can start. Let's start with the basics of what are the things that we want, maybe with the basics of friendship. Okay, before we now start to put them in high and low. Okay, let's start with um first of all. You know how there's like um outer courts, inner court, and holy of holies, and all of that. Please not holy of holies, yeah. There's friends that like we're friends, but they they're not necessarily up to date with my everyday. We're friends, and I'm also not up to date with their everyday life, but I wouldn't consider them like they're not your close an acquit acquaintance, or they are more than an acquaintance, they are more than an acquaintance, but so they're my friend, okay. But we don't talk all the time. Yeah, I'm not saying that they have to be um up to date with your life all the time, but a friend, you will check over your friend now. So if you don't check over your friend for one month, yeah, girl. Okay, people of God, I clearly am not doing the right. No, I understand what you're talking about. The reality of my relationship, okay, okay, yes. Okay, maybe you know, let's start from the beginning. What is basic friendship? Like, what is okay? When you say somebody now, this is not about how close because now you know obviously the intensity of the friendship, because of friendship now brings in extra. So now when you say, Oh, this person is my friend, why did you say that? Like, do you get ahead of okay? Yes, um, for my friends, most of them, the they are my friend because we are close. I'll get there. Yeah, no, yeah, I can see your face. I'm getting there. Give me a second, give me a second. We're close, we talk, and honestly, for the most part, at some point in our lives, we were way like super. We're closer, and then oh, okay, and then you know, life happened, and we're not not close, but we're not uh it's not the same. So I still think of you like um, like you're you're still safe for me. Oh, like I still can still talk to you. I can still talk to you, you're still in my safe space. Yeah, it's just that we we don't we don't talk talk as often because of whatever you're still safe for me, like I still trust you, and you know, it is safe. Oh, okay. So so that means business of friendship is you trust them, they are safe space for you. What else? I love them because you love everybody, even your enemies. Yeah, but it's a different type. It's a different type of love. Oh, okay. And then now when the now um, I guess, yes, when you're talking like uh what's the word? Um like inner holies of holies and all of that. Yeah, now there's not extra things that is added on to that yes temper. I mean, in this season of life, we we are not as close as we were in whatever other season of life, but you have not, at least for me, you have not ceased to be my friend. You're still my friend. We just don't communicate or talk as often as we used to. But if we get on the phone right now, I can be like, uh life been life and this happened, that happened, that happened, you know, that kind of thing. Okay, okay. Yeah, no, that's fine. What is the basis of friendship? I never redeemed myself because I started thinking like, hey, hey, god, you don't talk to somebody for a whole month. In my mind, I'm just thinking like relationships. Yeah, because I'm like, if you're not talking to somebody for a month, it's not to like it's not to dump on them or they should dump on you. Sometimes it's just how are you doing? Are you okay? Kill on pop, you know, just just check your little stuff. Yeah, that's what I mean. So that's why I was like, a whole month, but okay, no problem. So now with low and high maintenance friendships, is it based off of how close you are with the person that determines the low or high, or is just like it's just by itself, like you get like so. Because now, with this, like with a friend that you have that you don't talk for a month, there's nothing that's gonna be high. Like, do you get what I mean? It's not because I don't know, for lack of better words, it's like it's just you guys are not close enough for you to talk every day, anyway. But if you're closer to somebody, you will talk to them more often. So, does that make them high maintenance because you are closer to them? No, do you get no? I get what you mean. Yeah, I don't I don't think so. No, so what makes them high maintenance? Expectations. I'm struggling with this high and low maintenance, guys. It's a social construct, so I think I think it's not it's not a I don't know, I feel like when I've heard people speak about high maintenance, relow maintenance, blah blah blah. I think it's more like especially people who tag themselves as high maintenance folks, I feel like there's this connotation of like high maintenance regulations or whatever. Like I'm high maintenance in the sense that like I'm I'm better at this friendship thing because of the high maintenance. I've seen that I my understanding from what I've seen online. Oh, I didn't think about that. I honestly think I honestly for me, and that's why I explain it that way. For me, I think it's in in comparison to what each of my friends need or expect. So it's not necessarily here is a high maintenance bar you're supposed to reach here for you to be high maintenance. Do you get so wait? So, but all your friends can be just wondering. So now, if you have four friends and all four friends, for example, wants you to call them every day, then there's no high or low because they're all on the same. Is that it? Pretty much that it will not just become how I do friendship. Okay, okay, okay. Because like that's the way I see it. Because for me, it's almost like high maintenance or low maintenance, is like the high maintenance friendships require extra, if you will. Like, if all of my friends want me to call them every day, they're all high maintenance friends. Because calling you every day is plenty, yeah, that kind of thing, right? So it's not it's not based off of who, like, it's not based off of like who does who ask for more in the group, it's just based off of like I guess, like when something is not the I don't know, is it the norm or the standard? I don't know. I get what you're like, yeah, you know, I talk to you two or three times a week, let me see. And then you, I'm talking to you five times a week. You're high. Yes, uh-huh, something like that. Like, so you know, it's like, oh, I I don't know, I visit once a year, you have to visit three times, something like that, you know? Yeah, yeah. So that's why I'm like, I'm trying to for me, there's not that standard, but like there's no my understanding is there's no standard. I don't think there should be, but yeah, because I'm just wondering. Yeah, I was just wondering. But something else too that I've seen online is um people who are okay, long maintenance friendship is pretty much like I can talk to you today and then six months talk to you in two months and you not be like, eh, so you have not got me for two months, like what da-da-da-da-da. So people are they don't require extra like more efforts from you, something like that. Is that it? They they don't require they don't have a lot of expectations of you, so it's just one of those things like if you come into the great, if you don't come in today, you know, great two. I guess I can't have low maintenance friends because that's nonsense. That is not that conversation is mostly because you know, people are busy and life, da-da-da. We're all busy alive and everything is happening because that's yeah, yeah, that I didn't define it. That's the conversation that I have seen as far what law maintenance friendships are. You know, those memes where it's like you know, um value the friends who you can check in three months later and they'll not they'll be fine. Let's just be there doing um aspire to inspire to to I don't know to aspire. It's where you need something in between that two months now, and then this and then then you're then this person cannot answer the call because we're but anyway, but okay. I guess, yeah, I guess there's like different I feel like everybody has their own yeah, this thing. Yeah, and I don't think I necessarily have labels per se, but I'm labeling it in terms of because of like a conversation that we're having right now, right? About high maintenance low. Yeah, because like I think a lot of people don't do friendship well. We I don't think we have learned how to do the friendship well. So, what's the definition of doing friendship well? Int intentionally. So now okay, so now that's the thing. Because now this person that probably calls once in two months, is it that they're not being intentional because of that? Some something like that, or is it just as you say, like, oh, maybe because they are busy, life is life in. I don't know. Yeah, you can be busy and life is life in, but then it will depend on your um if I can say priorities in that sense. So if you want to have deeper relationships, then it will be inconvenient even in your business. You have to make time, make a quick call, send a text, do something, right? So if you want if if if that's um friendship is important to you, if not only friendship is important to you, but if it's important to you to build deeper relationships, because maybe some people don't want to build deeper relationships, they're cool with like you know, when we meet, we vibe and all of that, and that's enough. So if you want more than that, you kind of have to. That makes sense. I don't think you can not talk to somebody frequently. Now, frequently it gets various, but I don't think you cannot talk to somebody frequently and get deeper because if we're waiting long to like, okay, you know what? Like again, I don't talk to you, I don't know. how you're doing or whatever, and then we catch up on another time. I'm not gonna keep waiting. Like I think it's going to be harder to keep up or to keep I don't know. I don't know how to explain. Because yeah, because like I don't know. I get what you mean. Because we also evolve as people. Okay, so I have a friend of mine and she is in a different country. And honestly I could do so much better or I'll be challenging myself to do so much better in terms of deepening our relationship. Because the time difference sucks we can't find a way and then you know they have other responsibilities work, family and things like that. And so it's so hard because by the time I I'm available then they're having they're at work or they have to get to sleep or they have to you know so it's a bit challenging and I think at some point I stopped trying as hard. Like I I think I I kinda trying as well so I think that they're trying to like I I think if they are trying more to be honest. I think I should do better honestly if I'm honest. So yeah so it's a bit challenging in that aspect and I've been thinking about how to how to how to build this relationship better. So if we can't find time because we can't find time because it's going to be and also it's going to be a long it's not going to be a five minute hi what's up how you it's gonna be a long conversation of catching up from the many plenty yeah yeah so maybe there's a better way to do it where we don't have to wait until we can get the phone catch up. I think you can because like I was thinking about this like even like for example with us like or even when we're um like when we're talking I can send you a message today and then you reply it tomorrow and then I reply it in the evening then you like yeah so I think it's the same thing because sometimes even if you're in the same time if you like be sleeping in the next room to each other you may not necessarily always have the time to talk at the same time and now like you can be having one conversation on Instagram be having another one on Facebook having another one on iMessage right so I think like voice notes because like uh my friend does that so like who I would leave a voice note or something for me when I wake up I see it I respond maybe she'll reply me another two days but but like it's almost like the conversation is going it's just not happening like at an instant right so that's also like maybe another way I think I agree and I think also and that's something else that that's what I was saying actually earlier about you have to be okay with being inconvenienced. It's going to be uncomfortable so I also have to alarn that like it doesn't it's not always going to be convenient so I have to make the effort like to find the time the space I'm not really big on texting and voice messaging and it c but if I actually want to build this relationship then I'm a video I'm gonna be big on the voice notes I'm like ah my goodness like I will not like call though a lot like like I've I'll send them I'll send both a voice notes and then if you would see the voice notes the yeah yeah babe is about to first listen to the voice notes to first send me a text why do you send me this long thing I'm like are you about what do you want me to do like I can't call you at the moment to talk to you I want I to say it's 20 minutes long so you'll be better to sit down and listen I beg of you world listen please don't send me a 20 minute voice note I would listen to it yes I will fast like 3.5 speed or two but that's five like yeah what this what is being said because then I also have to think like I'm I'm like oh so and so send me a voice note okay I have to find time to listen to the voice like and it may seem like a silly thing but for me it's actually overwhelming like okay I have I have to listen to the voice then I have to respond to it. What okay I don't know in my head it's just a lot it's just like uh then I have to you texted me then I have to text back then you text again then I have to text back again man we can literally have this conversation and it can be done wow but sometimes it's more conversations there's not just one conversation so there's I know extras I know I know and I have to get out and I used to hate calls I preferred text and then now it's like texting feels like I have to make me actually like text I don't know if I like calls as much just text me. Yeah nowadays like I see calls and I purposely ignore them. See and I've been calling you more often oh okay you called my name pick you know what one thing that I trust you will do is answer the phone. Actually when I don't answer the phone I'm like is the messing I feel like if I don't answer the phone nobody is stressed because well it's kind of number like I think there's one day I called you and you didn't answer the phone yeah and I was like oh I hope this baby's okay why because you always answer the phone I haven't tried to because I never know if it's like a like a important like an emergency or not like I don't know like not to say that it's many times it's not but you know like I just feel like anyone is calling me just answer men. Then if because like I've had like I think I can't remember I don't know if it was um I don't know which of my friends called me one time and then when I noticed that it was just gist I was like let me call you back I can't be like because I'm not like let me first answer because and then if I'm not able to if for whatever reason I can't answer I will send you a text if let's say I'll I'm in a meeting or whatever because I'm always like I don't know you know what I think about is um that video that we shared I think on Instagram or somewhere about um do you have eight minutes? Oh okay okay I don't remember the context of the videos but it's pretty much like somebody was on in life and death situation or they were struggling with it or something like that. And so they just needed a few minutes to talk to someone. And so we had this conversation. I think I I think a friend of ours does a good job of that then faith like faith would say do you guys have a moment that's nice we just get into it hello sometimes it's like I don't have I feel like I I don't have the mental capacity to help you here. It's not even to help you like sometimes I'm oh god I feel like maybe I have something going on maybe I have something going on with me and I'm struggling to keep in my own head about it and I don't have like the thought of adding to to what somebody is already heavy on me. It's like oh my goodness I don't know if I can and then now I've learned how to like I'm learning how to like okay just you know breathe relax yourself you can you don't have to help immediately but you can just listen you can just be there you can just listen and that's the thing like I can listen then if it's now something that's heavy on you it it can add to my because I love you and care about you. That's life that's the inconvenience it's not just like oh my god please help me please help me please help me because ah yeah and that's why it's like I want to I want to talk but also I don't know if I can um sometimes it feels like I will explode or something. Like I just I just need a moment to gather myself before I can add on top of that but God is helping me how to navigate navigate that I think it like just like anything friendship is work guys low high medium all the all the maintenance levels that we're putting on it right like you cannot you cannot I don't know say you're friends with someone or you cannot say you love somebody and not know that maybe one day at one point or the other you will have to carry their burden Jesus was there on the cross in pain and he still carried the sins. We're supposed to be carrying each other's burdens anyway helping ourselves yeah so I think is sometimes you always think that would we should have a solution actually guys I think that's the more guy thing like to be more logical to like oh let's fix it. Nobody asked to know what I feel like we should have this conversation with them guys if they are agree help us beg them beg in the comments beg in the comments to the husband of our youth to agree to come and talk about guy friendships right but yeah but I think like because there's always that need like especially with guys like to want to fix fix fix we don't always and I think now one thing I'm grateful for is I think now there's more awareness people are more aware of themselves than other people I think or at least people that have around me so you know what if that's not the case where you are at I'm sorry. But yeah people are more aware of themselves and people around that they know not that they cannot always expect um maybe a solution or a um what's it to fix to yes they may not like but they know that this person is still here for me even if they cannot help me this very moment at this very time which that's you know and I think that's something to just realize to like not to burden yourself even as a friend like you may even if there's even nothing going on with you. Somebody can just tell you what's going on with them you will not still be able to help them. Yep. It's just what it is right because it's not everything that you can help somebody with so but you just being there for them you know ask them how you can be there for them yeah and I truly believe just in this conversation of low and high maintenance friendships I really really really feel maybe one of the ways we can help fix the problems or the cracks in friendships is to have conversations with your friends to know what they expect from you and what you should expect from them I guess yeah yeah because I think that's usually where some of the issues come from because people don't I don't think people share talk I don't even think honestly I don't think people think about what they need but why do we do it with with boyfriend girlfriend husband and that's why we have not really been taught to friend like that or to build good friendship. I I don't think so to be honest. So we're changing that over here we are changing that we're learning every day yeah so and that's why I'm saying that um have you having that conversation like okay um what can we do better? What are we doing this or you know what do you expect how do we improve how do I uh I can't say that I've had conversations like that quite often like we we can have a conversation I've had a friend tell me like this is the one thing I think this one conversation changed my perception of friendship it's like if I leave this if I leave um church because we used to go to the same church so if I leave church and we cannot have a relationship then we were never friends. I agree like that is true because I was so used to like most of my friends we were in the same place. So there was the proximity we see each other we even from school from high school like we're in boarding school we see each other all the time. We went to university I started university at school before I moved to I mean in Tanzania before I moved here and we all went to the same school and would maybe sometimes well not all of us but for the most part yeah um would maybe have I don't know hang out on the weekend or something like but there was still we're still in the same space for lack of a better word. And I I don't think I stayed long enough to see how those friendships would have been um like if you outside being in the same yeah like if we move because like maybe one of our friends then was in a different um school so if how if I stayed longer then I would see how that would change if it would I don't know so and things like that. So I think moving here and growing up and having other relationships. Because I think maybe also that's why I also struggled with maintaining some of my friendships from back home because communication was really at the basis of yes. No like and then we also did not communicate any expectations of each other so like it's like okay I've not spoken to you in two weeks and maybe you're upset that I've not spoken to you in two weeks. Or sometimes it's not even you're upset or whatnot but like something that I experienced is my friends who are all in the same place like seeing them and they're catching up their doing things and everything and I can't do that alone. I'm not there. So then I'm immediately feeling like okay I'm not there so I have to start figuring out those emotions and how to manage that and also how to build new relationships in this new place and then managing school life work blah blah blah and then also relationships that I've left where it feels like I'm already feeling like oh I'm so far off or whatnot. And then I've not learned to communicate in that way. So it's a lot of things. So I feel like most of us yeah yeah we haven't really learned how to do or even thoughts about okay what do I actually want because sometimes and this is something that I've noticed also with myself even when something happens and I feel a type of way about a situation or a person I have to now think about it like okay why am I feeling like this? Because maybe this person did nothing wrong maybe they did something that they usually do so why am I bothered right now? And then discovering that okay this is what I wanted but because you didn't say I didn't say it and they didn't know I can't just be angry at them because I never still actually at that point tell them right exactly I never communicated this and things like that and that's what I'm talking about is like communicating and also being aware that you need something because sometimes you just vex like this person was mean. No they were not they were being themselves maybe your desires have changed and you haven't communicated that yeah and I think the more we like go in our friendships or in our relationships with people the more we also know some of the things that we want and the things that we don't want and the older you get to some things that are just like no I'm not gonna deal with this nonsense. I'm going to deal with this I'm not going to do it. So that helps you to to know I guess the things that's I don't know that is required. But yeah no as you mentioned like not I guess that's not talking about things can really because it it reminded me of someone or a friendship that I had and the person had told me that oh if you no longer come to this place we'll not be talking now and I was like eh and that thing hit me because I was just like that's not how I I didn't think that this was I I can understand that this you know this place was where our friendship started or you know these people here was what like kind of brought us together. I did not think that they were going to be the end too like I didn't think that oh if they are no longer there or if I no longer come to this house or um this place then all of a sudden we're no longer friends friendship cannot continue you know that kind of thing but yeah but again I guess we never talked about it I didn't know but that's when I said to get sense guys that's when I said to I had to ah your baby would say I mean brain I borrowed myself you buried yourself because I was like oh is this what we're doing so I just said let me know and that's why I asked you because it wasn't it wasn't even I wasn't vexed or anything because I think I did it with fit too because when there is interwined relationships we're not playing let me at least let me just know because you again you may not know how the thing how it would hurt until it does so I'm I I'm preventing myself I guess I'm preventing I'm I'm I'm trying to guard my heart yeah so no that makes sense that makes complete sense so yeah pretty much if you want deep relationships you gotta be high maintenance you you you're gonna be to be honest I don't know I did any other way we're just so used to ease like we want everything to be convenient to ourselves or to us and I that's a selfish way of living life um because because on the other hand if something happens to you and you need your friends and it's not convenient for them and then you'd be like they're not good friends they're not good friends it's a problem but you also have not really if you want a village to be a villager yeah and being a villager will require a level of inconvenience. Yeah go out of your way to love your people and I think it should be like is like how this like an everyday thing. So because that's the people be like oh no they know if they need me they will they can call we don't have to wait to need you no let it just be non loving they might when they need you they might not think of you they might think of you but they might even think like is our relationship even close enough for me to contact this person because we don't really talk like that I don't really know so yeah yeah yeah like people build trust trust does not just come from we talk once in a once in six months better guys deep deep deep deep deep we're doing better but let us know guys for those of you that have low and high let us know what are your thoughts on low maintenance and high how do you guys I guess what's the especially with low maintenance I want to know how you guys um what is low maintenance yes and how they how you manage that friendship how you actually manage a low maintenance friendship to make it work because I feel like even the extra work you gotta do to maintain the low maintenance is already making it high but that's what I think but I want to know but yeah yeah but let us know yeah and if you haven't subscribed followed shared with your high and low maintenance immediate maintenance all the maintenance all of it what are you really doing do you really love your people if you don't give them good things this is I guess low and high here like so if you've not shared it your friends then that means your friend but this is good conversation status share it then have those conversations of what am I expecting what are you expecting this friendship relationship and things like that and it's always good communicate talk ask ask ask tell them how can we improve our friendship do it yeah like how you do with your goose exactly like do it with your friends please please please let's be better friends to our friends and let's make our friends better friends to us all right guys bye to your next one