Group Chats, Group Friendships & Minding Your Business

We're getting into group friendships vs. one-on-one friendships. Not just the cute parts, but the dynamics that nobody really talks about. Like the fact that just because you're all friends doesn't mean your one-on-one conversations are group property. Or the fact that you can have a solid friend group and still feel invisible in it.

We talked about:
• How we used to assume that "we're all friends" meant everything was shared and why that's actually a violation
• What it means to know your place in people's lives (and why that's a good thing, not a sad thing)
• Whether you can have a good group friendship without solid individual friendships first
• The fear of trusting a close friend who also has other close friends and where that really comes from
• How to be emotionally intelligent with other people's stories, even when you're not being malicious
• And yes — using prayer requests to pass gist. You know who you are.

Friendship is a faith journey. You can't control people, but you can choose emotionally intelligent ones.

Don't forget to subscribe, share this with your group chat, and send it to every friend group you're in. 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:21

Hello, everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome back to another episode. Oh, we've been doing this for a while now. Yeah. I think it will be six months or seven? From October. Yeah. November, seven, January, February, March, April. Oh, seven months. Seven months. I'm proud of us because we've been giving you back to back good content for seven months. But what have you done? You have not subscribed. You have not shared. You have done nothing on top of our seven months of hard work. Be nice, please. Let go use you. Like, what is the issue, really? What do you want from us? Tell us. What do you want from us? I was about to say something about internet drugs. I was like, no, the internet, they'll tell you, like, for for movies. Well, this is in Nigeria specifically. Now like people are fighting about do I need to dance or I don't need to dance. So I should be dance for a people. Actually, we can't. Well, I can't. I don't know if yeah, you just the best I can do is the little songs that you hear here and then the melodies that hello, hello. But yeah, that's us. Subscribe, subscribe. Thank you. Thank you. Anyway, yeah. So what are we talking about today? Anyway, I guess. Well, yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah. So today we're talking about um one-on-one friendships and group friendships, like just the dynamics. Yeah. Like the cut, like how that works. Are you are you group friendship type of person or are you one-on-one? Yeah. So what are you? Both. I don't think you can be one or the other. Maybe you'll you know what at some point in my life I feel like I was one or the other. Not like on purpose. It just seemed like the way the relationships were yeah, like I never I didn't think that I could have I mean maybe it's just like the way I thought about it, I didn't think I could have one-on-one relationships within the group dynamic. So I thought like, okay, we are all friends as a group. So anytime we're doing anything it has to be together. Yeah, we are all friends. Or if I want to share something with you, it's okay to share, like I can share it with the whole group. Or if you share it with me, then it's okay to speak about it within the group. Oh I guess. I think I yeah, I I I didn't think individual relationships. Although when I think about it, I did have individual relationships within the friend group. Within the friend group. But I think in my head it was just like because we are all friends, then we should all do. I think I had created that random. No, and I think it's easy for it to even feel like that. Um but also it's like to remember that even in group friendships, there's always individual relationships because um because everybody has different personalities, everybody has different expectations, everybody have different thought processes. Again, if you go back to low and high maintenance, maybe one has low, high, you know, so everybody have those different things going on for them as individuals, right? So now um you can't necessarily treat everybody the same. Yeah, it would just be things of like, okay, let's do things together, like you know, mutually. Um, and most of the time, if you really think about it, like when you have group friendships, it's things that you can when you want to hang out, you can't really do one-on-one hangouts, like it's always hangouts that require group. Everyone, yeah. Like, would I rather go bowling with one person or five people? You know, like what will make it more interesting? I'm just thinking you can, but like I'm thinking that what will make it more interesting. Like, five of us going will be more fun, right? Yeah than just one-on-one. Whereas, like, oh, maybe me and one person we can go for dinner. It doesn't mean that you cannot go five, but I'm just saying, like, how there are some activities that are nicer like as a group compared to like one person, so but yeah, I think yeah, I think I'm both as well. I don't I don't think have I've never I don't think I've had a problem knowing that in between my friends is one that is closer to like something like that. Oh yeah, yeah, so yeah, and and that's about to happen like okay, so this one thing that um as I have grown up and being more intentional about relationships and everything, this one thing has not bothered me, but like well no, it has bothered me. It has bothered me like later on, and it never used to bother me before, but then it does it does now so within a friend group that idea that I had of like if you tell me something then it's safe for everybody else exactly, everybody else to know. So um I think previously I felt I felt like that and I was okay with that, and then now it just feels like a violation. It feels like first of all, it's not just a story to tell. Number one. But then even if I told you and you know that we are all friends, it doesn't mean that I'm okay with sharing it with everybody else yet. Or even just referring it, you know, like how maybe we're having maybe me and you are having a conversation right now, and you say, like, oh my gosh, that podcast that we recorded, I really didn't like it. And then we are now in a different setting with our friends, like and they're both our friends, and you say, like, you know, like when you mentioned how you didn't like the podcast recording, da-da-da. And I'm like, but I I mentioned it to you. I didn't necessarily want it to be like a or if if I tell you, like, oh, you know, I don't know, I'm giving random examples. Maybe this happened, I'm not feeling so good, or yeah, like something happened to you, yeah, and then not mention it. Yes, and then like, oh, so how are you feeling now? Girl, I think I think that I think one thing that I know that's um or something I had to like learn is it's easy to not not know that like or it's easy to to have, I don't know, I don't say maybe like issues or boundaries like set with group friendships and um one-on-one friendships. Because like, yeah, like because somebody is thinking that ah, we're all friends, so she probably has told everybody, yes, or everybody knows, like that's an assumption, right? Because in your mind you are thinking, ah, we're all friends, like yeah, because you're not seeing you're not seeing it, like I think it's like you know, um, obviously, as I said, as we're growing up, I'm realizing that yes, we can all be friends, but then these people are friends, that kind of thing. Like, I can, you know, maybe be watchful, be aware, like look at your surroundings, right? Like, whether you are four, five, six, seven, twenty in a friendship group, you can tell like you can tell closer relationship than like than with maybe other people. Um, um, still in the friendship group. So I think it's something that I had to like be more watchful of or see that, oh, okay, wait. This is me assuming that okay, because we are friends, everybody knows. No, we she might feel more comfortable with me, but maybe she hasn't gotten to that comfort level with this person. It doesn't mean that they are not friends, it's just like this conversation is not something that she would maybe or wants to talk about with this person yet. Yeah, or maybe she has not even, or even maybe it's not even that she has not, she doesn't want to, she has not gotten the opportunity to, yeah, and she doesn't also want that person to feel like ah, so you didn't know you didn't tell me so different things like that. So it's like now realizing that okay, when it's something that is not shared in the group, then it should not be mentioned in the group. I don't know if that makes sense. That kind of thing. It's like if you tell me something, then when we get to the group, the if you mention it to the group, it's the first time I'm hearing it. Oh that kind of thing, right? Something like that, because there's like it's realizing that they told me or she told me she may not tell anybody else, or she may not want to tell anybody, or she has not told anybody. Whatever do you do? It's not your story to tell. That's no, but I'm just like if somebody, like for example, the one you give, like somebody's like, Oh, how are you feeling? Like, yeah, yes, yes, yes, but it doesn't mean that oh, like everybody knows you are not even that person's like uh uh uh uh and then it's like uh uh wait to what do you mean? I think it's just like realizing that if somebody tells you something, even if you are friends with other people, all of your friends, six of you are friends, but they tell you they at one point two of you were just talking on even if it was um mindless banter by the way, oh um can you come kiniko when you are not in the group, don't say ah, remember that time we were talking two days ago that you were like by the way, yeah, maybe not. I feel like there are some things that you can bring up like from one-on-one conversations, but I feel like when it's like maybe something that is I don't like person, it not always even have to be personal, yeah. But when it like I like please, we are smart people, like I think you can deduce things that you can repeat, yeah, and things that maybe if if you're on the fence, like ah, is this okay? Maybe don't, just don't. If you're already thinking, yeah, oh, we didn't do about it, I don't know. Is this okay? Yeah, maybe just don't so that way you don't now fall into the issue of ah, you didn't see any uh why did you say that? Yeah, maybe maybe that's what I think, but yeah. So, how do you manage like your group friendships and individual? You know what? No, before we get that, do you feel a type of way? So now, okay, when there's a group friendship, right? Because I think there's something else. When there's a group friendship, do you feel like do you feel a type of way where when it's like what's the word? The love is not equal. The love is not the word, yeah. But do you get like where it's like is like it's glaring that ah this person or this person are so close, they probably have inside jokes, yeah. And then you are just actually when the people have inside you, I'm very giving you a inside joke when you are inside, then you you are just there, you feel like left, not left, not left out, but like you don't feel included in like the friendship, but it's kind of like their friendship. I don't know, yeah. I have felt that way before, um, but what I realized is I was friends with people who were not friends with me. You've gone through a lot of many. I can say that not even that, it's not like they were not friends, but I gave them their position in my life was higher than my position in their life, so I valued that relationship more, and so for me, it was like okay, I'm feeling left out because them, their cause and whatnot, but they were too close and they, you know, consequences themselves, but it's not even that, it's just it wasn't even a them problem, it was more you me not knowing the one lesson that I'm grateful for learning is knowing my place in people's lives. Because people please attendancies were doing me strong things, so yeah, so I think I felt that way in those moments, but like looking back, we were not actually, I shouldn't have felt that way because we were not really actually friends, friends. Okay, okay, okay. Yeah, so now like because now there is the we've talked about like oh, when is friendships? You talk to this but you ask them the expectation and other kind of thing. Now, with group friendships, should there be a group friendship conversation? Like, because like I don't know, like almost like what are the things that we can do as a group or not we can do, like what are the things that yeah, how how are how is our friendship going to work as a group compared to because I don't know because now I'm dealing, I'm thinking about like if I have four different friends that we're all in one group, and there's a way I deal with this one, deal with this one, this one, this one, this one. I should like I would it it's easy to turn to one way when we're in a group. Do you get what I mean? I don't know, yeah. I'm like I don't think you can have this in my I don't think you can have a successful group friendship if within the group you don't have a successful individual relationship. Like so if we are in a group of friends, but out of let's say three people, I'm only close to one. I can't say that it's a friendship. Yeah, because I don't necessarily have relationships with the other people. Okay, okay so who can be cool, we can be, but we don't have the same yeah, okay, okay. So it's like to have a group friendship, you have to first have individual friendships with everybody to a certain degree, like whatever that is, yeah, and then for it to like and that's for each person or each member of the group, yeah. Because otherwise, because it's like the things that we're saying, like, okay, we spoke about I told you I'm not feeling well, dah da, and then we go in the group, and it's like, oh, how are you feeling now? Um, if we are not and I might be like, okay, I didn't share this for the group and whatnot, but if we're all friends, actually, yeah, it would bother me less less. Oh, because it's not because it's not like you didn't want them to know, yeah, because everybody is a safe space anyway. Exactly. Yeah, okay, okay, okay. Because a lot of that one, your bestie has a bestie. You know what? I was very very skeptical of close friendships. Friendships or close friendships, rather, because it felt like you can never truly be safe with someone because you're close to them, but they're also close to somebody else. And then why don't you ever think that the way you are close to them, they're close to you too? Why do you always think it's somebody else? No, no, no, no, they're close to you, but they are also close to somebody else, which is fair. So I I used to think that if I now tell, let's say I'm coming to tell you that, oh my goodness, this happened, that happened, that happened, and you're like, Oh, I'm so sorry, da-da-da, whatever. And then you will be like to your other close friend, like, oh my goodness, it's so sad what happened, like, and it's not malicious, it's just like your topics, yeah, you're expressing yourself and they are safe to you, but then you're a safe person, also as another safe person, okay. But do we know okay, okay. Now that's where my head used to go. But do we not do that to a certain degree? Like in the case of I can tell you something and you tell your husband why, because it's not like you're not also you're not being malicious, so you can tell me something, and maybe I will tell my husband, like I said, maybe because it's just yeah, yeah, but like, so it's not like so. Why we is it so is the problem that because they tell somebody because I'm just trying to think about it because I'm like, I don't, I don't like I'm like it doesn't, yeah. I don't think it happens often someone topics, especially if you don't even know the person. Like, what was the reason? The reason for sharing that for sure, and then if you know the person, what's reason to share? Like, because I think that there are reasons for those to be like so. That's what I'm saying. You don't know the thing. I used to be skeptical of that because I don't want my my g my gist to be to be on the street. Everybody knows this, everybody knows that. I don't want that, right? So it was it felt like I can't truly be safe to share this with you because you know you have other people who you're close to. You're also too baby. You have other people you're close to than me, I'm not close to, and I don't like them. Like forget that I'm not close to I don't even like them. How are you people friends in the first place? I'm even you and I think that's a thing, but that's even besides the point. But I don't want my gist to be outside. Do you get okay? So, how like is that something that somebody can control? Because I'm just wondering, like, again, I I guess my friends don't tell me uh other friends just, but anyway, that's fine. Thanks. Neither do I, but anyway, but I'm just wondering, like, how do you because it seems like I'm looking at it, I'm like, usually when you say like it's not again, it's not malicious, it's not but okay. But then what's the reason? Because I'm thinking, what would be the reason for me to tell somebody else? Sometimes it's just gist of the moment. Maybe they said something related, and you're like, ah, like this when I had this person told me, or yeah, or even if something is let's say heavy for you, and then you and you just want to unburden, you also want to help you. Ask for help, yeah. Let me get help too, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So is that something any like is that something that can be controlled? Is that something that you can do anything? I honestly am of the opinion that friendship or any sort of relationship is a faith journey. You can't you're taking a risk, it's like marriage is a faith journey. Well, have sense, don't just go back to my vandals, my vibes, yeah. But like it's uh it's a safe journey, yeah. I mean a faith journey because you're trusting this person and all of that. So the way I approach relationships is my heart, I have entrusted it to God, not to uh anybody else, and I'm choosing to trust that God is going to take care of my heart. So as I've used sense to choose friendships and all of that stuff, I'm choosing to trust that uh you have sex and you will not destroy me maliciously and things like that because you can't control yeah, people will try to surprise you. I think the most important is just have reasonable people, yes, just have self-aware people, emotionally intelligent people around you. Yes, that's the first because if somebody is emotionally intelligent, they too they would even with their other friends, they would know how to be emotionally intelligent about your you, your situation with them, like if they have to, even if because like I'm thinking about like I can want to ask my friend to unburden. I don't have to tell them who who it was, I don't have to give them like but oh yeah. So teddy, I don't even know Teddy. So the one that stays downtown the description is like do you know what I mean? Like, I don't think we're gonna do all that. A friend of mine, oh you know, you can still if like if you you know you necessarily need to unburden to get help because they give maybe even if like let's say you tell me something and I don't know how to help you, and I'm like, ah, this person might be able to, and you you don't you don't know no you want to marry 20 do you know of that? Maybe just a friend of mine will just be like, okay, I have a question. So um, you know, if somebody's going to you know there's there's ways to talk about a situation without putting the person in the situation. I don't know if that makes sense. Yeah, some people can cross eyes and dots and be like, I think she's talking about now. That's that's that at that point, there's nothing you can do about that, it's just what it is. You didn't, you know, it's what it is. They are detectives, so yeah, they're detectives. But I think it's just like you just being emotionally intelligent in how you deal with your relationships or how you deal with your friendships, right? So that everybody feels safe with you, regardless of yeah, of how it is. Don't be spreading your friends just everywhere, please. Please and thanks. Even you know how Christians, as Christians, believers of the Lord, will use like let's pray for Damiel. I'm so glad I've like nobody has never told me that thing before. I'm actually so glad that I've never dealt with any of those nonsense and hypocritical behaviors. In a movie or something like that, it was actually hilarious. And I'm like, this is so true. Everybody's using prayer to pass gist. Just don't gist. Yeah. Don't don't do that. Be a safe space for your friends. Be safe. And I think just learn, I don't know, just learn like because when you are in a group setting, like um group friendships, like you start to learn the dynamics. You start to there are some of your friends in that group set that maybe will not care if you go, oh, how are you doing in front of everybody? And then you know the one that will squeeze face, like who sent you a message? So things like that. So I guess you can also learn that. And even as you said, right, when you are um working on your individual friendships, you will kind of also know the kind of person that they are, yeah, anyway, to know how they might react in certain situations. So I think there's that, too. But yeah, but let us know. Like, I don't know, good friendships, individual. I don't know how I feel like at some point, even if you only have individual friendships, they will find a way to get groupy. I guess if we are all in the same yeah, and they would, and it's not it's not bad, yeah. I feel like it, like, yeah, I feel like somehow, not in a bad way, like you know, especially when like even if because I'm thinking about it, like let's say I'm friends with you, I'm friends with faith, you are friends with faith. Somehow we want to do something together, it's just you know, groupy again, as I said, like it will get groupy, yeah. So I guess like it comes up, it it can happen even if that was not the you were thinking about it like that. It's just yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, yeah, that's it. Yeah, you tell us about we have told you plenty about this. So you tell us about just out here, just oh god, who sends us to that podcast? Yeah, man. Yeah, there's there's there's so much about me uh that is out there now that I can't I can't take back. Don't worry, you'll be alright. Yeah, my private page is still my private page, guys. Follow me on my check sis, please. Follow me on mic check six. That's where you should follow me, guys. Yes, do that. All of you that trying to send me um because of my personal, just follow me on mic check six, please. Please, thanks. Yeah, I'll read the comments. She will, and she responds. She's nice like that sometimes. If you come correct, if you don't come correct, she will clack your eye. But yes, see you guys on the next episode. Oh, share with us um your friendship dynamics or how it works within your friendships and what you think, and share this with your friends. Send this to your group chat. Yeah, those people that have those people that have group chats in group chats. Hey! Send it to all your group chats for your multiple friend groups, please and thanks. But yes, uh, see you guys in the next one. Bye.