Laura Young Builds Community as a Young Widow and Mom (Part 1)

On this episode of Widow Fire, I sit down with Laura Young, a resilient working mom who lost her husband Kyle to a rare cancer shortly after welcoming their baby girl. We discuss the unique challenges of being a young widow, the isolation of grief, and the relentless fight to save a loved one. Laura shares her inspiring journey through heartbreak and highlights the power of community, honesty, and choosing joy for our children. This is a story of strength, vulnerability, and how we move forward when life takes an unexpected turn.

Connect with Laura on Instagram @__laurayoung

Connect with me on Instagram @caseyengles

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:06

Welcome to the Widow Fire Podcast, a space for strength, grief, and the fierce spark that keeps us moving forward. I'm Casey Ingalls. In 2024, I lost my husband to brain cancer just five months after we welcomed our IVF Miracle baby to the world. This podcast was created for other young widows and those who support them. This is the Widow Fire Podcast. Today I'm talking with Laura Young, a working mom to a two-year-old daughter and a widow navigating life after profound loss. Shortly after her daughter was born in 2023, her husband Kyle was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and Laura became his primary caregiver during his illness. Following Kyle's passing, Laura has been learning how to carry both grief and joy at the same time, sharing her experience on social media with honesty and heart. Through her voice, Laura connects with others on the realities of loss, motherhood, and rebuilding a life that you didn't expect. Thank you, Laura, for being here on the Widow Fire show. I'm just gonna pitch it to you and let you kind of tell us more about who you are and how we connected.

SPEAKER_01 1:17

First of all, like thank you to people like you that have, you're already busy and yet you're taking the time to, you know, create these podcasts and create these spaces for widows like myself to share our stories. I think it's really powerful for us to connect. I found when I lost my husband, there wasn't this immediate in-person community for me. So social media has been such a great way for me to connect with people. In my opinion, it's the worst club ever, but we're in it. So it's just, yeah, a really, really nice space for us to kind of commiserate together, honestly, you know, because nobody and heal, you know, you I, in my opinion, like you heal from talking about it. Like there is just no way to get away from the situation that happened. It's always there. It's kind of just like this thing on our shoulder. And I found like the more I talked about it, the more I connected with other widows, I felt less alone. So it's it's been so great. So just thank you for having me on here.

SPEAKER_00 2:16

Yeah. And honestly, same. When I like saw you added me on Instagram, I looked at your profile and I was like, no, no, no, no. Another hot young widow with a beautiful little girl living across the country. Um and I was like happy to connect, but also just immediately sad for you that we have all of this in common.

SPEAKER_01 2:37

Of course, of course. It's like the absolute worst thing to have in common with somebody, but oh, it is. Here we are. It's just the nature of life. So here we are. And yeah, but I agree.

SPEAKER_00 2:49

And especially like being a young widow with a young child, I didn't really find any resources that were specific. I shared in another episode, I went to an in-person widow support group that my church put on, and I was the youngest one there, and I was the only one there with a young child. And it's like, no offense. Like it's been hard for them too, but it just was not the same. And it made me feel even more isolated.

SPEAKER_01 3:14

Oh my gosh. I was just having this conversation with a friend last night. She's I got connected to mutual friends. She's a young widow. She kind of lives probably like within the hour of me. And she was talking to me about how she's got this group. Her like her husband was in hospice, he passed away. And so kind of her hospice community like connected her with these young widows with children. And I was like, that's amazing. Because when my husband passed away, the hospice services for my husband were great. And they did offer, you know, therapy and Zoom sessions and what have you. And I remember going to this Zoom session after he had recently passed, and it was the exact same situation. Everyone on there had lost somebody that, but they were probably two, three, four decades older than me. And they were, you know, again, not minimizing what they went through. It's just like, oh my gosh, no, I am like in the the trenches raising a small child.

SPEAKER_00 4:10

Like you're did you feel like everyone else on that call also kind of felt the worst for you?

SPEAKER_01 4:15

A hundred. Because that's what they were just like staring. They're like, but how are you? And I'm even they could not imagine. Yeah. Yeah. They're like, Are you in the right? This is for widows. And they're like, I was like 31 at the time. I was like, yep, no, unfortunately, I am in the right spot, meant to be here.

SPEAKER_00 4:32

And you still don't belong. And so what I'm trying to do with this show is like create a space where we do belong. And I've already connected with several others. Like I was 35 with my loss, and um, my daughter was five months. So yeah, it just there's I say that it's just like a lie from the enemy that makes us feel so alone. Yeah. But if we could, you know, that's where that self-pity comes in. And I'm like, I've always been so against living like that. And so for me, I've just been like, no, like, and I think you're resilient or the same way. You're like, we're gonna be happy, we're gonna show these girls that we can be happy, we're gonna make our late husbands proud. But yeah, how do we do that is what I think we're all trying to figure out.

SPEAKER_01 5:17

And it's like an everyday, every hour thing. And you actually just brought up a really interesting point. Like, I've been in a lot of, you know, I've been able to connect with like a lot of different people and walks of life through this whole journey. I've like really put myself out there. I was having a conversation um with a company actually the other day, and they were like, How are you so like you seem really like positive and like happy? And that is a response I get a lot to the point where almost is like, I'm like, is something wrong with me? Should I just be crying all the time? Like, I really think that is what most people expect a widow to feel like to the point where it's almost like, if you're not crying, then they're like, Did you love your husband as much as you say you'd? You really can't win. I have found I can't win. If I'm crying, they're like, okay, stop crying. It's getting, you know, it's been a year. If I'm not crying, they're like, How are you so happy and positive? You should be more upset. And like, it has been pretty much what you said. Like, I'm like, and that's my response to him was like, I have a small child, and she is truly the definition and like a walking example of the future. Like, I have to keep going. She is still here. I said, I cannot, I cannot speak to where I would be if I didn't have her. All I know is she has truly been like my anchor, my saving grace, my light in the dark, all the things. Like, and and it's funny because she has no idea. She's just bopping around like a two-year-old does. And I'm just like looking at her like literally, just like, and that's what we do as moms. I'm like, I don't want you to know this absolute monsoon we have found ourselves in. You will figure it out eventually. But right now, you're as small as you are. Like, my goal as a mom is to keep you living in kind of a joyful, kind of happy space. And that comes from like me as your mom. And that's not to say I don't break down. Yeah, I don't cry. Like I am very raw with her, and we talk about her dad, and we're navigating how to speak to where he is. That's been a big topic of discussion in our home. And it's challenging, it's totally challenging navigating.

SPEAKER_00 7:29

And you're like a step ahead of me, I think. She's three, is that right? When's her birthday?

SPEAKER_01 7:33

She'll be three in August. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:34

So almost Georgia just turned two, and I feel like in this next year, we're gonna have more awareness of where daddy is, you know, and wondering. And that's part of why I started this too, because I was like, I'm very type A, I guess, or was before all this happened. I was like, I'm gonna figure this out and I'm gonna be and get it, gonna give her the best. And I know I knew very early on, like that that wasn't possible unless I was okay. So, like, same like therapy, grief coach, um, exercise. And you know, in any given day, some of those categories I do better in than others. Um like literally, though, you're talking about how the ups and downs. I haven't shared this, but this morning, literally, I was on my way to daycare and I had a moment because Georgia was in the in the car seat and a song was on, and she just like started doing this, like she was jamming out, and the song stopped, and she was like, Oh no. And then I started the song again, and she was literally like playing air guitar. And I got emotional because I was like, Look at us a little joyful moment on the way to daycare. She knows nothing of the tragedy of like her daddy slowly dying from cancer, like, oh, and I just was overwhelmed, like, we're doing okay. And so sometimes I do have those emotional moments of like, whew, all right, you know, because in those really scary moments, um, yeah, that you wonder how are we gonna make this happen? Or like she was sick earlier in the week, I told you, and um you're the only one there to like do everything. And so you do have those alone moments where it gets to you. But um, I also have those experiences when things are really good, or like when I catch her laughing, or like, um, and I wanted to actually guess before we jump to that, if you could just share with us about your person and why we are here, a little bit more about like your story, how you guys met, wherever you want to start. And then I have uh additional like specific questions.

SPEAKER_01 9:32

We love any opportunity to talk about our person. So my husband, Kyle Young, let's see, we met in 2019. We met the natural millennial way, we met on Bumble. And so, so our daughter is a Bumble baby, I like to call her. But yeah, so we just, you know, it's just funny because we're both very pretty extroverted, like, but it was just, you know, the age we were living in, we were both young professionals. We just weren't encountering the one.

SPEAKER_00 9:59

We get online to order food and groceries, get online to meet people.

SPEAKER_01 10:03

This is convenient, you know, and I was not living in the same area as him at the time, but we connected and like the like stars just aligned, and I ended up being in the same area as him. And we moved in pretty quickly. It just was like, you when you know, you know. And I used to hate when people would tell me that. I was 26, 25, 26 when we met. My mom was always like, when I was younger, when you know, you know. And I was like, what does that mean? I don't understand. Like, I'm a little type A like you. I'm like, am I looking for my checking boxes? You know, and she's just like, You're like overthinking the whole thing. She's like, it's a feeling. I'm like, what? And she was so right. And so, like, when we connected, it was like we both knew very quick. We were like, this is it, this is the one. And we just became the best of friends. We shared everything with each other immediately after we meet, we go into COVID. So we're like, whoo, okay, we're really living together and we can't live leave the house at all. So uh we always kind of joked. We're like, if we can like survive being this close quarters for this long, like this is a pretty good test of what a marriage would look like. So we we thrived. I always told people, my husband and I literally argued like one time in our entire relationship, and it was because I picked a fight with him and he wouldn't even touch it. He was just so even keeled, just like the best, you know, personality. And he was just amazing, and life was amazing. And we had an amazing relationship and we got married in 2022, and we were super fortunate. We got pregnant with our daughter a couple months after that. We had her in August of 23, and we had just, you know, moved in and remodeled our home. Like, I I remember going, I was getting ready to come back to work and I was having a conversation with my boss. I'm like, it's just been so chaotic, and I'm just so excited to like start my life now and have my main goal be like raising this child. I remember verbatim saying that to him. And he looks at me and he goes, Life has a funny way of not going like that. And I was like, Oh, yeah, you know, you know, you know, didn't listen to that. On to the next. And so that was, yeah, end of 2023. We bring our daughter home.

SPEAKER_00 12:12

Very ominous.

SPEAKER_01 12:13

And we're, yeah. And I was like, and at the time, I will never forget that conversation. In the moment, I totally, totally blew it off. You know, I'm like, oh, here's my boss. Like, what is what does he know? Boy, was he right. Uh, because almost immediately after we brought our daughter home, we're living in our new home. Both my husband and I are back to work, and he just starts experiencing crazy bizarre symptoms. So they ranged anywhere from like, you know, loss of appetite, body pain. He would get like really, really hot to the point where he's like stripping off his clothes, he's drenched in sweat, to two minutes later, being freezing cold, huddled up on the couch, blanket, robe, beanie, gloves, like freezing. So this temperature control thing within like minutes of each other, he could not regulate it. And yeah, loses a bunch of weight within like two months, loses like 60 pounds. And he was a big guy. He was a linebacker, he played football for organ, very, you know, for all intents and purposes, a pretty healthy 35-year-old at the time. So we're like, this is bizarre. And we start going to the hospital and we're kind of getting, you know, brushed off. Well, you're a new parent, you're up with a baby, because he had really extreme fatigue, like wanted to sleep all day, and had a pretty demanding job. So they were kind of brushing it off, and nothing was really showing up in the blood work, like nothing too concerning. And we just kept pushing. So now we're in like August, September, really bad symptoms around like October, November. And we just know something is off. We don't know what it is, but we're like, is your daughter at this point? She's like three months old. Yeah, I had her in August, and we ended up getting his diagnosis in December. So through August and December, we're trying to figure out what is going on here. So lots of doctors' visits, lots of just pressing on, you know, his doctors to just do more tests, uncover more things. Like they're just like, they were throwing out like maybe it's model, and we're like, that you know, we just kept pushing. So then probably around November, maybe yeah, November. So we're going like right into the holidays. It's our first holiday season with our daughter. It's supposed to be a really exciting time. And in my mind, right, like we don't have a diagnosis yet. So I'm like, yeah, something's wrong. Maybe it's like an autoimmune thing. I don't know, but like we're gonna get to the bottom of it and he's gonna feel better. We still have to get to the bottom of it. And so right around November, they end up doing a scan. I don't remember if it was an MRI or what it was, but they find a tumor on his kidney. And of course, we are devastated. We're like, oh my God, what does that mean? But the doctors are still kind of confused. They're like, it might be cancer, it might not be. Like, we need to do some biopsies because it's not obviously cancer, is what they're saying. So we do probably three biopsies that all come back benign or inconclusive. And so we're like, great, great, okay, well, you know, ultimately they make the decision. Like, you have so many symptoms, you're losing so much weight, you're not eating anything. Let's just go in. It was a pretty big tumor. I think it was like four or five centimeters honest kidney. They're like, let's go in and take out the kidney. You have two, you can survive with one. It's clearly causing a bunch of issues. We don't know what it is, we don't think it's cancer, but let's just take it out and see if that solves the issue. So, beginning of December, they take they remove one of his kidneys and he does great. I remember getting the call from his surgeon right after they're like, you know, we don't think it's cancer, it's just a lot of inflammation. And almost immediately, Kyle starts feeling a lot better. Like the symptoms really dissipate. He's got his, you know, appetite back and we're looking good. And I remember just being like, whoo, that was that was weird, but let's, you know, get back to normal life here. We've got like a four-month-old, and that was like mid-December. We get a call December 21st. I remember it being like days before Christmas. My husband and I are in the car, our daughter is in the car seat in the back of the car. And the same surgeon says, we ran a full pathology on your kidney and your kidney tumor. And it is an incredibly rare form of kidney cancer. It's called renal medullary carcinoma. And we are now basically referring you to oncologists. And we are like, wait, what? Like you went from thrown into that world. Yeah, we went from like, wait, you said it wasn't, and now it is what it was the most insane situation.

SPEAKER_00 16:59

Kind of happened to us. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:00

We were it, yeah, we were in such shock. And so we start working with our current insurance's oncologists, and they basically tell us, they go, We've never seen this cancer before. Here's how we think we're gonna treat it. And we go, wait, what? Like you've never seen this, and we have to just trust you that like this is gonna work. So we start doing our own research. We find some specialists in Texas at MD Anderson who specialize in this type of cancer. And I won't butcher the statistics, but it was something like a kidney cancer is relatively rare from the beginning. If you're looking at like all the types of cancer cases, and this particular type, I think accounts for like maybe 2%. So maybe your standard oncologist is seeing this once in their career. And so 2%, and then of those 2% of cases, like 99% of people that get this cancer are African American with a sickle cell. So my husband did not fit either of those buckets of people. He was tested several times for sickle cell and it came back negative. So it was just like, what is going on? Like, what is going on? Um, I could not wrap my head around it, but almost immediately after diagnosis, and his prognosis was very grim from the beginning. Um they didn't tell us, but of course I Googled it. And I like remember the first Google read like search I found was it was like uh average prognosis for RMC renal medullary carcinoma is three and a half months. And I was like, oh my God. Oh my God, oh my God.

SPEAKER_00 18:38

I remember you just immediately think of your daughter, I'm sure.

SPEAKER_01 18:41

Oh my daughter, and like I remember my life. And like I remember like reading that and stepping outside of my house because I was like, I can't have my husband like see me like this. I just I couldn't have him see me break down. I go and sit in my car. I'm in the driveway, and I call my brother. I'll never forget this conversation. I call him and I am freaking out. I was like, you won't believe what I just read. Oh my God. Because up until this point, I'm like, it's cancer. Like my mom had cancer and she lived with cancer for 10 years, and like, you know, progress is so much better now. Like, I'm sure we can beat this. I am just total in self-preservation.

SPEAKER_00 19:20

You have to be, I think. Yeah, I was the same way. It's our brains do this weird survival.

SPEAKER_01 19:27

Protect us, it protects us. And so I call my brother and I'm like losing my mind, losing my mind. I am crying, I'm screaming, I am freaking out. I'll never forget it. He goes, Laura, all you have to do right now is be a good wife and a good mom. That's it. You are not here to cure cancer, leave that up to the doctors, that's it. And I will, and I still don't even know if he knows how impactful that conversation was to me, but I was like, you're right, you're right.

SPEAKER_00 19:56

Oh, I 10,000% felt like I had to cure his cancer. And if it was up to me and Google, we would have.

SPEAKER_01 20:04

Yes, and I and I got into that mode too. And I would tell my husband that. I'd be like, I know what the doctors are saying. I've got you. They don't know me, they don't know me, and they don't know you. So we're gonna figure this out. Oh, yeah, I was not having it. I literally were not in a good place, yeah. No, I was like, I am gonna save you. Like I would tell him that, and I was that weight of that, Laura.

SPEAKER_00 20:27

Yes, I know that weight of that while trying to be a good mom. And like what your brother said, I wish someone would have told me that. And I don't know if I would have been in this space to hear it because I was just focused on getting him better so that we could get on with our life.

SPEAKER_01 20:41

Yes, you know, yes. And so it was such a pivotal. I'm so happy he had that conversation with me right in the beginning. And I still had my moments where, like, we were just talking about like you, I obsessed over it. It was my third job at this plan because I had my full-time job. I was a mom, and I was also going to save my husband's life. I did not care what people said, and he like bullets.

SPEAKER_00 21:02

Did you get him to MD Anderson? Yeah, because I was the same when I took Joel to Duke. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 21:06

We got him to MD Anderson after several. We would like fly out there. That's where he liked. That was like, you know, like it did not matter. Like, you were going. No, we were going. I don't care if this three-month-old baby is coming on a plane with me. We are flying to Texas. We are figuring this out. You are getting the absolute best care you can get. And they were, they were the specialists. They saw this cancer the most. They were making massive strides in his type of cancer. And as you know, like the oncology and the cancer space, like at the end of the day, it is it's a healthcare is a poor like a for profit business. And so if you are dealing with a really rare form of cancer, there is not a lot of funding for that rare form of cancer, which means there's not a lot of treatment options. So they were so progressive at MD Anderson. And I like thank them so much for making his type of Cancer a priority when it felt like nobody else cared, nobody else had options for it. So forever grateful that we crossed paths with them and they were kind of like the ones running the show. And Stamford was where his treatment was administered, and they had a really great relationship. And all of our doctors and oncologists were incredible. So he ultimately ends up getting diagnosed in December of 23. And you know, you've been through the cancer journey. It's like you're good for three months, you get a good scan, you come back three months later, bad scan, change treatment. So you're going to be able to do that.

SPEAKER_00 22:31

All you can do is get through the day of treatment or the next appointment.

SPEAKER_01 22:35

Yeah. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 22:36

How many times did you guys go to MD Anderson?

SPEAKER_01 22:39

I want to say three or four. We were, you know, at least. Yeah. And like, you know, we would, it was just a flurry. It was just a crazy time. And like the first couple of times, we'd like to take our daughter. And then the like we as she got older, we were like, okay, like, because we literally would just fly out there. He'd get a scan, they'd review the scan, we'd fly home. It was like a 48-hour trip. And like, it's not a super close flight from California. Um, it's hard to do with a baby.

SPEAKER_00 23:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:08

We were, yeah, we just ended up leaving her home. Fortunately, Kyle's mom and my dad were really helpful and stepped up and helped us really raise her during that period of time. They were extensions of myself and Kyle because I was, you probably were too, like constantly in this position of like, I felt like I needed to be two places at once. But I was absolutely confident I knew I needed to be with Kyle. I knew I needed to be with my husband as much as I it's a tough choice. Yeah, it's really like a possible choice. He needed me. I knew he needed me, and I knew that he wanted me over anyone else. I knew he wanted me with him. He was most comfortable with me, and that was very case. Yeah, inside. And I yeah, exactly. And I had notes on my phone, and I knew what supplements he was taking, and I knew what the doctors were saying. Like I was just this little mini Kyle cancer Wikipedia that I could just spit out stuff because my life was consumed by it, and I was still obsessed with it. And so it was a journey, and ultimately goes through, you know, I think he got somewhere around like 35 chemo infusions. He did several rounds of radiation, obviously, had the surgery to remove the kidney. So I think Kyle starting his journey relatively healthy is what ultimately allowed him to last as long as he did. I have other ideas of why he lasted long, one of them really being just like his genuine outlook on life. But he was a pretty healthy body. Like he not a lot of bodies can withstand that.

SPEAKER_00 24:41

I just have to stop you though, because I recognize this in you. And people have told me the same thing that he lasted so long because of you. And like I feel like, and people have told me that, like, because we were so balls to the walls, like, I'm gonna keep this man alive. I am not, you know, hearing it. My husband was incredibly mentally resilient too, and had such a positive outlook and was like, it's just gonna be fine. It's gonna be fine. I think you had said Kyle was always like reassuring you. And yeah, I was like, he's the one that's sick, but I was the one, like, you know, just trying to manage everything. And outside of his physical symptoms that we couldn't really impact. I mean, like, I could call, I could pick up a prescription, I could call the case manager again. Um, he was on a clinical trial at one point. So I had to advocate to get him those medicine, like as that medicine as quickly as possible. Like there was so much that you could do. And I think you, like me, were like reaching or grasping for whatever we could control. Um, and but I I think ultimately it it did make a difference, obviously, in them receiving the best care that they could possibly get.

SPEAKER_01 25:46

So yes, it's a hundred percent agree.

SPEAKER_00 25:48

It's hard though. Yeah because at the end of the day, I remember crying with Joel's like remains literally at my house one time. And it just hit me that like no matter what, I couldn't save him from this, and he couldn't save me from this. Like this experience of being a young widow with our daughter. Like we both wanted to save each other from this so badly, you know? And obviously, we know we're both here, they're not.

SPEAKER_01 26:18

So I know. And I think that's at least in Kyle's case, I'm sure in your husband's case, there was no coincidence that we had our daughters when we did, right? Like I felt like a somebody knew we were gonna need this little child to like serve as an anchor for us, but also like for our husbands to fight as hard as they did. I'm sure they would have fought if they weren't fathers. Something about making yourself a parent, it's like now it's not just about me. I have to be there for that child. I have to be there to take care of her. So I I do think that he, you know, made it as long as he did because myself and how I impacted his journey, but absolutely our daughter too.

SPEAKER_00 26:59

Like I knew that's true.

SPEAKER_01 27:01

You know, once my husband made his decision, so it was March of 2025 after just so much treatment, and we had just gotten a really bad scan and we were pivoting and we were trying to figure out what are we gonna do. And I was like, I I found this place in Mexico and we're gonna fly down to Mexico. You know, I was getting like thinking so out of mom. I didn't care.

SPEAKER_00 27:22

I was like, I do not care what people think. We are going to Mexico. No, the fact that you have a young baby and you want to make your life about that, it like has to be a secondary third, fourth thing. And not everybody understands that, but I was in the same place because it's like, no, this is life or death, and I'm going to save this man.

SPEAKER_01 27:41

Literally, and I was like, well, this is just a period of time, right? Like, I'm not gonna be we'll have the rest of her life. We have the rest of our lives to get out of this. Like, I was totally thinking that. I was like, this is a short period of time in my life. If I just buckle down and obsess, I'll save my daughter's father. That's literally how I was operating. And probably people around me were like, oh, she does not see the writing on the walls. And I'm glad nobody was like, you're like me.

SPEAKER_00 28:08

I I couldn't really be honest in that moment, though. You know, like I don't even think I honestly I knew it was intense and I felt that intensity. And that's what we were talking about before we started recording, like our nervous system kind of coming back down from that. I think it takes a while, and I'm not there yet. But that intensity of like, no, I'm gonna save my child's father. Yeah, like it felt like we were battle buddies in war together.

SPEAKER_01 28:34

100%, 100% in the trenches, like us against the world. Everyone's saying these things, but like that, I would remember just so vividly being like, those statistics, what the doctors are saying, that doesn't apply to you. Like they, I don't want to hear it. And I remember telling doctors, even towards the end, they were trying to have really direct conversations with my husband and I. And I said, we don't want to hear it. What does it matter? It's not gonna change the course of how we're going to operate. We are not giving up. So you telling me he's got weeks or months to live truly doesn't change how I'm gonna continue on this pace. So that went on. It was probably like mid-February. We had just gotten a really bad scan and we were pivoting again. I'm like, let's go to Mexico, let's figure this out.

SPEAKER_00 29:20

And so it was only like three or four months from December, like it was that following February, March.

SPEAKER_01 29:27

No, so it was it was December 23. We go through like all of 2024 treatment, high, low treatment, and then we get into February of 25.

SPEAKER_00 29:36

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 29:37

So last year, we're again trying to figure out what we're gonna do. And I think there were a lot of these moments when I look back in the journey when I feel like the universe or someone intervened because it was almost immediately after I was like buckling down, trying to get Kyle to Mexico. He gets super sick, like throwing up. We're like, what is going on? And he's like, something's wrong. I think we need to go to the emergency room. So we drive, you know, I call my dad, it's like 10 o'clock at night. Can you come down? Can you watch Charlie? She's already asleep. We gotta go to Stanford. We drive down to Stanford and Stanford's like a two-hour drive from us. We get to the emergency room, they bring us in, you know, you do the whole ER situation, it's never quick. And they're like, You have cancer everywhere in your body. And we were like, What? Because the way that MD Anderson had always operated, which we do not fault them for, and I appreciate them that they weren't pinpointing and going over his PET scans with us. They're just like, treatment's not working, and we're changing. So when we get to Stanford and they're like, it's here, it's here, it's in your liver, it's in your lungs, it's in your we're like, it's in your intestines, it's in your colon. We're like, what? And they're like, yeah. So essentially, like you have a comp your cancer is completely blocking everything in your intestines and your colon. That's why you're throwing up, that's why you're nauseous. Like, you can't eat, you can't do anything right now. And so then you go through this journey of like, oh, and again, out of time, still not hearing. And I'm like, all right, so what do we gotta do? We gotta shoot the cancer. So you're telling me what's the solution? We're not seeing like, yeah, I'm like not even still not even hearing it. And so he, you know, starts his basically month-long stay at Stanford Inpatient. And it's a journey because he's starting it already, very weak, not a lot of weight to lose. And now he's they're saying he cannot eat. So they, you know, they put the tube down the throat, they do just all the things they have to do to try to like get it so he can start having some food. And if anyone's ever like watched, you know, a loved one get an NG tube installed, it is awful. And like the nurses will tell you like, this is one of the most brutal things we have to do to patients. So, you know, we go through that whole situation. He's not eating for days on end. You know, it's that, oh, we can put a little swab on your lips for some moisture. I'm like, it's it's like watching somebody get tortured, truly. All the while I'm still working full time. I'm like on my computer, he's working full time. I got my mom, I'm the mom. It's like, it's just such a crazy season looking back on it now. But we made it work, and my main focus was just being with my husband, and everyone around me supported me in doing that. And I feel fortunate. I always would say, like, can't imagine not having our sets of parents or having a tribe or a community and like navigating this by myself. I never had to make the choice of like not be with Kyle because I needed to be with Charlie, because there was always someone that loved her.

SPEAKER_00 32:41

And that's part of what I want to get into with the show over time with different episodes, is like for those support people, for those people who are watching this horrific thing happen, like happened in our lives, because I also had such a tribe and still do. And it's like I realize that in my position, like I could maybe help explain, or like someone could send this episode to someone else who doesn't know what to do to help, because there is, there are things you can do to help. And I feel like because it's so uncomfortable to look at a young widow with a baby going through what we were going through, you're probably like me. I didn't, couldn't, wouldn't share a lot of the specifics, a lot of the gore, a lot of the bad nights, you know, like on Instagram. No, and so people thought it was like not as bad as it really was.

SPEAKER_01 33:33

Oh, yeah. And yeah, and it wasn't till like it wasn't until like, I think people were surprised when like all of a sudden Kyle decides after we go through this stint in Stanford, and they basically were like, you need to get him home. And I didn't realize what they were saying was like, you need to get him home so he can pass at home in the comfort of his own home. So they were saying that without saying that. I wasn't hearing it. And so we got him.

SPEAKER_00 34:00

Were you going back and forth too with the baby? And it's like hours away.

SPEAKER_01 34:05

It was like, luckily, my grandma lived right by Stanford. So like I would leave Charlie at home with my dad or my mother-in-law for a couple days. I'd be in Stanford for like four days. And Kyle was always the one that was like, you need to go home. You need to see Charlie. Like, and he could just tell when I was like getting to that breaking point because I would go back and I would see her and I'd be like revived a little bit.

SPEAKER_00 34:28

And then literally.

SPEAKER_01 34:30

Literally, like just like the oxytocin that it provided me to just like come back and then be present with him again. And this was kind of like a month-long journey.

SPEAKER_00 34:39

It's just like so much is needed from you all at once, and that's the experience that I think older widows who raise their kids with their spouse before they pass don't understand. So it's uniquely overwhelming. Um, it sounds like you killed it, it sounds like you did a great job. I did my best. I know you're just surviving.

SPEAKER_01 35:02

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so he ends up eventually coming home from Stamford, and they've basically made the decision to he needs to have his nutrition administered via an IV. So before I leave Stanford, I learned how to do the whole IV thing, and you're setting up the, you know, the nutrition bags, and he's on the bag for 18 hours a night. And like, it's gotta be sterile. It's gotta be, and I remember being like, I'm not a nurse, I've never done this thing. I've got a tiny baby that's gonna be pulling on me while I'm trying to put an IV in my husband. Oh my God. And it's like, probably like you, you had this moment of like absolute sheer terror, and then you're like, Okay.

SPEAKER_00 35:38

It's like is there someone who sees how bad this is? Like, is there someone who's coming to save me?

SPEAKER_01 35:46

Am I being punked right now? Like, what is going on? Like the moments that I felt like I was living in a nightmare.

SPEAKER_00 35:53

Yeah, exactly. And just to see them physically struggling, and I know my husband lost a lot of weight too.

SPEAKER_01 35:58

Yes, and they're just looking at you though, like, you got this bed, like nobody else has got this. You got me, right? And I'm like, absolutely, I can be your nerd.

SPEAKER_00 36:08

No problem. Like, I can do this. You will rise to the occasion that life demands of you.

SPEAKER_01 36:15

You just do when you love these people, when you love somebody, like this is what it takes of you sometimes. And so he comes home. We go through maybe a week of that. He gets denied from chemo because his blood work's so bad. And I remember there were moments where I'm just dragging him. I'm like, you've gotta get to chemo. Like, this is this is saving your life. And he's like, I can't do it. I'm like, you have to, you have to.

SPEAKER_00 36:41

Well, it's hard to know like when do they need that push, right? That encouragement of like, come on, you know, like, and then I know that Joel had a lot of that internally already. So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 36:52

And I remember, you know, that was a Thursday that I pushed him to go. He gets denied. Friday morning, he was supposed to go back down and try again. And that is when he ultimately, you know, had the conversation with me that he wanted to go on hospice. And I told myself from the beginning, if Kyle ever brought this up, I was not going to fight back, try to change his mind. Cause just like your husband, like if they are coming to this decision, like we know all of the variables that they have weighed to make this choice. It was absolutely the hardest choice Kyle ever had to make in his life. So I wasn't gonna be like, well, wait, can we do this? Can we? I was like, the same way.

SPEAKER_00 37:34

I was like, I'm not gonna beg him to stay. And it's good that you had thought about it because it really was out of our hands. I remember feeling like that we have done everything. This is just happening.

SPEAKER_01 37:43

We've done everything and like your quality of life at this point is so awful. You are hooked up to a bag 18 hours a day, you're sleeping, you're in so much pain, you're throwing up, like it's awful. Like it's awful. You can't do any of the things that you love. So I totally respect when he made that decision. And once he made that decision, he was just like, okay, what do we do? What's the process? Like, and I remember asking him, I'm like, how, how, how, when have when were you thinking about this? And he's like, Laura, I've been sitting in a hospital bed for a month. And yes, you were there a lot, but like I'm sleeping in a hospital bed by myself every night, and I'm considering my life and my situations. And I think he also thought about like probably what this was doing to me and doing to his parents. And like, it's it was just the situation was dire and it was awful.

SPEAKER_00 38:37

And he was slowly looking at us like a mother. Like, I know Joel noticed when I got up exhausted. And like there were times where we were driving down the highway. I remember when we were on the way back from Duke, and he threw up outside of the window, all down the side of the car. And then we stopped at Kroger, and our daughter threw up all over herself in the car seat. And I like took her inside to change her, left him in the car because he couldn't even help me at that point. And it's just, yeah, that kind of crazy. That's the kind of thing like you don't share publicly, right? And people are like, oh yeah, Laura and Kyle, they're doing good. They're fighting the good fight, you know. I heard he's getting better.

SPEAKER_01 39:18

Yep. I think, you know, I haven't seen him, but I'm sure he's great, you know. And so when he makes this decision to go on hospice, everyone around him's like, wait, what? Like, hospice? That's where we're at. It and it was like, and it did, it did feel like I was running into a brick wall, even though I did find out later that Kyle had had private conversations with his oncology team. And they were like, he was probably like, give it to me straight. Well, my wife isn't here. What's the deal? And they were like, there's nothing we can do. Like, you're it's so bad, and you've really put up an amazing fight. And so there were, you know, the hospice. I I like to say fortunately, which sounds weird, but fortunately, my husband's hospice lasted one week from the day that it was a Friday to a Friday. And it was the hardest week of my life. And I think about families and spouses that go through hospice with their loved ones for months and like knowing that the inevitable is is is coming probably. So my brother, my husband was in so much pain. So I once he had made that decision, we all wanted it to be quick, but it was still like the most excruciating week of my life. It was beautiful, and I could be so present for him, and his family could be there, and he had conversations and he ha asked his friends to come over and you know, have conversations and say goodbye to his loved ones. And, you know, our daughter could come in occasionally and see him. And it was, it was the most gut-wrenching period of my life. And then ultimately, when he passed away, like I have always said, I'm like, I will literally be in therapy for the last five hours of my husband's life, like what I saw and what it did to me. But I feel so honored to have walked my husband home, to walk him into that next phase of his life. So I am here and in the real world, and I have to deal with these feelings and the grief and the sadness. But like he died being surrounded by love.

SPEAKER_00 41:19

We're gonna stop it there for today and pick it up there in the next episode. Thank you for listening to this episode of the Widow Fire podcast. If you know any young widows who may benefit from this show, please share. You can find us on Spotify or Apple. If you have a story to share, you can connect with me personally on Instagram. My handle is at K C Ankles. That's C A S E Y E N G L E S. And remember, as Joel once told me, love God and have fun.