Laura Young Builds Community as a Young Widow and Mom (Part 2)

In this second part of Laura's story, we dove deep into the realities of young widowhood—navigating overwhelming grief, single parenting, and finding meaning after loss. Laura and I shared honest moments about holding space for our husbands, coping with the daily challenges, and the incredible strength that comes from raising our daughters solo. We talked about embracing therapy, creating new routines, and allowing both grief and joy to shape our lives. If you’re facing loss or supporting someone who is, remember: give yourself grace, seek support, and know you can live a full, meaningful life even after tragedy.

Connect with Laura on Instagram @__laurayoung

Connect with me on Instagram @caseyengles

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:06

Welcome to the Widow Fire Podcast, a space for strength, grief, and the fierce spark that keeps us moving forward. I'm Casey Ingalls. In 2024, I lost my husband to brain cancer just five months after we welcomed our IVF Miracle baby to the world. This podcast was created for other young widows and those who support them. This is the Widow Fire Podcast. Welcome back for part two of Laura and Charlie's story. Let's jump right in.

SPEAKER_00 0:38

I am here and I in the real world and I have to deal with these feelings and the grief and the sadness. But like he died being surrounded by love.

SPEAKER_01 0:46

That's a huge thanks to you. And I know, I know what you mean. Like, there are worse ways to leave the world than surrounded by love and like everyone you love, including friends and family, just being so devastated and like, man, we lost a good one. I have felt like Joel left on such a high note, you know, like my daughter will only, our daughter will only ever know if as much as I can control, you know, like all the good qualities and all the things that he would do that we loved. And he'll never disappoint her, you know. He's like her guardian angel. And um, yeah, I feel the same way. It was an honor. And I think in that moment, too, I felt the heaviness of how important that work was in yoga. I'm a yoga instructor and a group fitness instructor, but specifically in yoga, they talk about holding space for one another. And that it was quick for my husband too. It was about a week where he had stopped eating between the time he stopped eating and the time he passed was like a week. And um, I just remember that feeling of holding space. Like, I'm gonna hold this space, I'm gonna protect like this room, and everything outside of this room is like gonna fade away. It's just you and me and the baby, you know? And like I am here with you. And like that's all you can say. That's all you can do because everything else we couldn't control. Um, but it was, yeah, I'm definitely a huge fan of therapy. It's just like, it's just like a part of life that I think other cultures um I've heard like expose their younger people to more so. I never known and loved anyone who died. My husband literally was the first person. And unfortunately, I know you've known grief for a long time and have lost your mother a long time ago, right?

SPEAKER_00 2:38

Yeah, yeah. And I, you know, my dad was like basically lived at the house while Kyle was on hospice, just in case, you know, we had to run out the door or do something. Someone was gonna be here with Charlie. And I remember I have this picture on my phone. It's a picture of I had a baby monitor, I had one monitor on Kyle, and I had one monitor on Charlie. And that was like literally an analogy of my life at that point. But I remember having this conversation with my dad, and I was like, first couple days of of hospice, but it goes downhill very quickly, at least it did in Kyle's situation. And I just remember being like, I'm terrified. I am so scared. I don't think I can do this. Like, I don't think I can watch him die. I started smoking.

SPEAKER_01 3:24

Yeah, I absolutely felt the same way. I literally was outside smoking. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:29

And I maybe I should have done that because I was losing it.

SPEAKER_01 3:33

It didn't help. Dang it. Okay. But yeah, absolutely losing it. Like, have never, I mean, just thinking thoughts that are not even like like how I would normally think at all. My dad also came and stayed with me.

SPEAKER_00 3:45

My mom had passed, and my dad had asked my brother, and I do you want to be there? And at the time I said no. So I wasn't there. I did not see my mom die. My brother did. I feel so happy that was the decision that I made now, having watched my husband die, because oh my God, yeah. I tell my dad, I'm terrified. I'm terrified to do this. And he just looks me dead in the eye and he's like, This is what you do for the people that you love. You love Kyle. You have to be there for him. And I was like, again, it was another one of those moments where it's like, you're right, you're right. Like there's, and I think that's the way my brain works and probably yours too. Like, if there is not a way for me to get out of something, I just kind of buckle down. It's like this was the nature of my situation. I knew I was gonna be there. I was terrified and devastated to do it, but I had to be there. So it's like, there's no point in freaking out about this anymore. Right. Just like embrace it.

SPEAKER_01 4:43

One thing that's like was really helpful to me, and I'm so thankful for his case manager at Duke sent me a podcast during this time. There was about two or three weeks between when we came home from Duke and got the news that there was nothing else they could do to where he stopped eating. It was very kind of natural in Joel's case. He didn't, you know, it kind of just started to happen, I think. But she sent me something about theontology, which is the study of death and dying. And I think, like you, same way. I switched in my mind from helping Joel fight for his life with everything in me to helping him die gracefully with everything in me. Like I was like, if this is what's gonna happen, we're gonna make sure it happens the best way that it possibly can. Like it's insane. But I think that's just love.

SPEAKER_00 5:29

It was just love. Yeah. And it was just like, okay, all the medications, how we're administering them. Like I had my notebooks, I had my organization, I had my little clear compartments of, you know, we had to check Kyle's, you know, was on all this medication for his liver and we're doing all these things. And it was a unique situation in that we were still administering his nutrition. And this hospice workers were like, that is sustaining life. And so we used to have we had conversation with Kyle of like, hey, I know you chose hospice, but we're still giving you nutrition. Are you wanting us to stop the nutrition? And so that was another really challenging conversation. And towards the end, you know, obviously we did. We stopped. And after we stopped nutrition via his bag, like two days later, he passed away. But yeah, it totally goes into, you know, we got the oxygen machine because, you know, they need that's there's a whole thing with oxygen and all the medication. And again, total buckle down on like, I'm no longer saving you, I'm transitioning you to this next phase, and I am going to make this as comfortable as possible. And while I've also got, you know, that I remember so vividly, like we literally lived, it was just like we lived in our room. We like made our room a hospital room, and we have these French doors that go out to our backyard and let a lot of really beautiful light in. But we would see Charlie in the backyard playing and she'd come up to the glass and she'd say hi. And she got so used to Kyle being in this hospital bed and seeing him and still like, you know, in a rat and he'd say hi to her and he couldn't pick her up anymore and he couldn't do a lot of the things he used to do with her. But he was still like, and I'm I don't know if Joel had this moment, but it was, you know, the day before Kyle passed away. And and we were really fortunate, we got these pamphlets from the hospice team that really spelled out like this is what they might do. And this might seem strange, but this is very normal. And in it, it says they might have this kind of like surge of energy. And you'll hear, you know, hospice workers and death duelers talk about this. And he had that the day before he had been bedridden up until this point for like four days. He goes, I want to get up, I want to walk around. And we're like, What? And at this point, he's using a walker, he has a walker and he's super weak. And we're like, I don't know, Kyle, like, I don't know about that. And he's like, I wanna, I wanna go out to the living room, I want to see Charlie. And we're like, Okay. So the last pictures that we have as a family are us sitting on our living room couch, and Charlie's in between us, and he's sitting there, and you know, he's not really talking, and his eyes are kind of closed a little bit, but like, and then he goes back into the room and the next day he passes. So it was just like the most wild, all-consuming, beautiful, terrifying, awful. Every adjective of the extreme you can think of. Like, that's what is what I've heard as well. I love that beautiful, brutal. And like it was it wasn't it was wild. And then, you know, ultimately the next day he he passed away and I was there, and his parents were there. And it was, I don't have anything to compare it to, but in my opinion, it wasn't super graceful, it was really challenging to watch. But ultimately, he he passed. And um, like I said, I just feel super honored that I felt like a big part of why I was put on this earth was to usher my husband home. And I feel honored I got to do that.

SPEAKER_01 8:59

I feel like that was a big part of my purpose in in his life. Yeah, like to have that, to hold that place, to be that person that they want next to them at the end. Like it is an honor. Um and yeah, we had some pretty honest conversations. At the end, I remember starting a note in my phone like that last week, and just trying to think like as he was able to answer things, like, what do I want to ask? Is there anything that I want to ask him while I still can, you know, and just had these like frantic ideas? Ultimately, I landed on the fact that even if we grew old together and had 50 years together, I would still wish for more time. And meeting some of these older widows, it's like they would say that it's like there's never enough time. When you love someone like that, you don't want your life together to end. And so, yeah, it's unfortunately like that we did we didn't have more time and that they didn't have more time with our daughters and all of that. But I do feel like there never would have been a day where I was like, okay, we had enough time.

SPEAKER_00 10:05

Oh, all right, yeah. No, I don't think we ever, you know, yeah. Now you've seen enough, you've done it all, you've made your impact. And and I, you know, kind of this mantra or the way that I've looked at Kyle's situation and probably Joel's too, when I've met these other widows, because uh obviously you can only say nothing but great things about your husband. And I've just kind of chalked it up to because there's that saying, right? That like the good die young. And I truly believe that, you know, we have a purpose. We're sent here with a purpose. And for some people, it takes some 20 years. For some people, it takes some 90 years, some people it takes some 36 years. And like it has become very obvious to me that Kyle fulfilled his purpose in the short amount of time that he did. Of course, we will always want more time. He would have loved more time, but the impact that he was able to lit, like leave on the people that he touched is an impact that some people in their hundreds don't even do. So he lived like with such a zest and just beautiful outlook on life. And even though Charlie's, you know, two and a half now, like what Kyle taught me, I obviously will teach her. Like he lives on in her. She's the last biological piece of him.

SPEAKER_01 11:22

Oh, I just got chills. I feel the same way. Yeah. And then it's such an honor to like raise these little angel babies, you know? Like, I just, yeah, I feel like watching our husbands go through what they did and want to be here and fight to be here so badly has changed the way I look at parenting. Then you meet parents who haven't been through this and they're like, I'm sorry, complaining about like their kid not eating like this kind of yogurt over that kind of yogurt. And I'm like, that's great. I'll just put out four or five yogurts and she can eat whatever she wants. Like, I just don't get upset about like some of the petty stuff I feel like is petty because I'm like, I'm so grateful to be here, to be alive and to have this healthy, perfect baby. Yeah, it just it's screwed with me in good ways, I feel like. And that's what I want to talk about is like kind of going back to one of your posts that I saw you share about like an unlike a forgotten piece of grief, maybe as a young widow, is like when you experience something beautiful with her and it's just you and her, and you there is no one to like look across the room and share that, smile about it, laugh about it. That's been a surprising piece to me is like, oh my gosh, like she did this today. And it's like, well, who am I gonna tell? Like, there's nobody here who's like my partner in this, you know, and I've really grieved the loss of that.

SPEAKER_00 12:42

Yeah, I mean 100%. Like I, and of course, you know, you're obviously spiritual, I'm spiritual. Like, to which a lot of people will say when I say that stuff, well, he's with you, he's around you, he's I am not minimizing that. Like, I know he's in everything I do.

SPEAKER_01 12:57

And sometimes I have felt that I have strangely felt like he's here, you know, but not every time.

SPEAKER_00 13:04

Yeah, I'm like, he's not here. I can't grab his hand, I can't lean on him, I can't, you know. I just put my daughter in preschool. I was a yeah wreck. I was bawling my eyes out, and he should have been there. I should have been able to hold his hand and he should have been like, you're doing great. This is the best thing for her. And, you know, there's so many people that love my daughter. I feel so fortunate. There's so many people that love me. No one is gonna love Charlie like her parents do. No one's gonna love her like I love her. The only person that can love her like me was her dad. Like that's it. And so now it's just me. And so I and it feels like we have to do double, right?

SPEAKER_01 13:44

And I know that that's not even possible, but like with as similar as we are, you've probably felt the same way. It's like this again, extra sense of like it has to be me because who else is it gonna be if it's not me? Um yeah, so I have tried to step out of that hyper-vigilance and just like you said, all we have to do is be a good mom. And some days that means keeping her safe, loved, fed, clothed, you know, and not sick. And uh, that's the best we can do.

SPEAKER_00 14:15

And sometimes that means like at this age, and you're getting into it too, like having boundaries with Charlie. And Charlie doesn't like all the boundaries that we have. She doesn't like when mommy says no. Like, sorry, but I also have to be good cop and bad cop. I don't have this one-two punch with dad, you know. It's me. You get me, you get I'm the fun parent, I'm the not fun parent. So I'm all the things. Don't go try and look for somebody else because it's just me and you, sister.

SPEAKER_01 14:42

Sorry about your luck. And it's hard.

SPEAKER_00 14:45

Yeah, I know. And I'm like, Tracy, I wish he was here too. I wish you could go run it into his arms when mommy says you can't have something. I wish that, but it's just me and you. And so she really, we really are buddies. Like my dad always says, he's like, You guys are gonna have like the most amazing relationship. Like, unfortunately, what you went through, like you so trauma bond. Even with these little babies, it's like, oh my god, like you are my saving grace, and obviously I am sustaining your life, like all by myself doing this thing. So I just am so grateful for her. And I have felt like she's sustaining my life. Oh, yeah. Like you said, oxygen. They are oxygen.

SPEAKER_01 15:27

I had to have her. And at first, I remember my therapist was like, I mean, it's definitely codependency and attachment anxiety. But she's like, I'm not worried about it at this point, you know. Like early on after Joel passed, I never let her sleep in her room until she was almost a year old at the funeral. I would get anxious if she wasn't right next to me. So I actually had this poor babysitter was like holding my daughter in the receiving line. And that's how a lot of our friends and family met her. Like I would get a hug and then I'd be like, This is Georgia, you know? And um that was terrible. And I don't know like how to even tell her about that someday. Um, maybe I won't, you know, that's the other piece of navigating like parenting. I don't want to put my grief for the life that I know we lost that that we were planning on having. She doesn't know any different, right? Charlie doesn't know any different. So it's like, how do we? And yeah, I think like we're so similar in the fact that it seems like from the content that you share, the focus is just to find joy and to give them joy. And that's really um, I think talking about it, like doing this podcast and them in some other online like widow support groups has been helpful. But I feel like as we move forward, I guess speak about like what are a couple of things that have served you well. If there's, I mean, you're still so early on in this journey, we both are, but if there's someone earlier on, because I know for me it was like a month or two after he passed, I started to look online. Like, what the heck am I doing here as a widow? What would you tell them?

SPEAKER_00 17:00

Give yourself some grace, some serious grace. You do not have to have it all figured out right now. I remember just being like, oh my God, like now I am all the things. I am the parent, I'm the breadwinner, I gotta keep these lights on, I gotta do all the practical things. There's so much administrative work that goes in with the death of a loved one, right? Like you're still dealing with it. I decided to file taxes for my husband. Like it is just this journey, is parts of it are gonna be lifelong, right? Like the feeling of it, the grief of it's gonna be forever. And in the like the two months, right around that stage, like you said, I was still in that mode of like, if I do all the things, if I do this, have the supplements and do the grief groups and do this, I'll you know, it'll kind of like make this grief thing like feel a little better, and I can put go faster and I can put it in a little box and I can just show it in the background and I can go back and I can be okay and I can I can show up for life like I did before this ever happened. Boy, was I wrong. Okay. And I still try to do that, but it's like I think people know, yeah. And again, I think you're still in self-preservation because you're like, our brains work different now, right? Painful. I kept like a journal on my phone of like months after Kyle passed of just how I was feeling on that day. And I'm pretty sure my day after he passed, the journal entry was like, I understand why people die of a broken heart. I think I'm gonna die. I don't think I can do this anymore. I know I have a daughter, but like, how do I? I can't even breathe. Like, I get it now. To like weeks, months later, being like, okay, like I can get out of bed now. This is still really hard. And I actually think I was talking about it on my Instagram last night of like in the beginning, like grief is all consuming. You are literally in the eye of a storm that you can't see anything else. And thank goodness we have these little daughters that serve as little anchors, little like lighthouses for us. And then over time, you kind of get into like a little bit more of a routine and and joy kind of starts to creep back in. You felt you feel a little less guilty about letting joy back in. And now, you know, joy and grief can sit side by side. But it was not that way in the beginning. And I still have moments where I'm like, oh, it's all grief. Joy, sorry, take a backseat, sister, because grief is here. And so you just learn like it ebbs and it flows, and it's not a checklist that you can get rid of. It's like this is a part of my life because when you love somebody, that also means you're gonna grieve that person too. Like you said, I would have grieved Kyle when I was 50, 60, 70. I would have grieved him nonetheless. I'm in a different situation with a child and being 30, and I'm gonna, you know, it's totally different.

SPEAKER_01 19:49

There is the grief of the future for them. Yeah, for the kids, you know.

SPEAKER_00 19:54

You hold your children's grief too. And that has probably been way more challenging for me to navigate than my own grief because how can you verbalize these incredibly concept, like complex situations to a child? Like what I deal with with Charlie is like, you know, in the beginning I used to say, you know, some people get sick and they don't get better. And then she had this fear of like every time I cough, she's like, You're sick, and she'd cough and it's like, okay, we need to evaluate that a little bit better. Well, you know, sometimes I'd say, Daddy went to heaven. Where's heaven? Can we go? Where's Jesus? You know, it's almost like oh, and there's this constant, like, am I saying the right thing? Am I messing her up? Am I confusing her? Like, I'm in that state, and I don't want to make it any more confusing. So sometimes I kind of clam up and like it's it's so hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever talked to her about him.

SPEAKER_01 20:54

I have shown her pictures of Daddy Joel, is what we call him, and she will recognize his face, which broke me because you're like wanting them to know his face, but then I'm sitting there crying at the same time. Um, I've thought about having some pictures in her bedroom in her nursery and having her say good nunai to Daddy Joel and like blow a kiss or something. Haven't done that yet. But I'm the same way. I think a lot about how do I like help her carry this part of her story and her identity with Grace. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 21:27

Like ever since Kyle passed away, it might have been like a couple days after. I just came up with a lullaby for Charlie to just say, like, it's just basically about saying goodnight to daddy and that we miss him and we'll see him soon. It's just very short. And I sang that to her every single night up until probably a year, maybe a couple months ago. She we would sing a lullaby and then she'd be like, Where is he? Where is he, mommy? Where is he? And but then she'd be like really distressed, really sad, like crying. And I started thinking like maybe, maybe I'm just in this little window of time where talking so much about daddy is really actually kind of confusing for her. So I thought about like, oh, maybe pulling back a little bit. He's still a topic of conversation. And but I have to think about, you know, like everyone wants to be like, well, this is what I would do. And I'm like, okay, but until you've done this and you've literally dealt with this with a small child, like at the end of the day, she is my number one priority. Her well-being is my number one priority. I absolutely want Kyle to be present in her life. But if I feel like me talking about him all the time is causing distress for her, I have to reevaluate how I'm talking to her about her father. And that, of course, like I feel guilty too. Like that was Kyle's dying wish. Don't ever let her forget me. But at the end of the day, like I know the biggest filter I run everything through is like, what would Kyle think? How would Kyle think about this? What would he do? And I know because our husbands were just genuine people, they'd be like, babe, do what you have to do. In that moment, I know you're doing the best thing you absolutely can. So if that means doing XYZ, do XYZ. You're the one there dealing with this all by yourself. I know that's what he would say to me. I know he wouldn't judge any decision that I make.

SPEAKER_01 23:19

I 100% feel the same way. And I've I've I think I'm so glad that we got into this topic because this is what I feel like people are not talking about. And it's something I think you're like me, I've I've decided I'm gonna figure it out as I go. It's gonna look different when she's 16 than when she's 10 and age-appropriate conversations. But yeah, there's like you said, there's this guilt feeling of like if I don't have pictures of him all over our house, or if I don't um always have her say goodnight to him, it's like I I wonder how much she is just not gonna know. And like you said, we don't want to confuse them. But yeah, I plan to tell her that Daddy Joel is in heaven and he's like watching over us, but she is not old enough yet to ask that. Like, where's heaven and can I go there? I know that's totally age appropriate for Charlie.

SPEAKER_00 24:12

You know, she used she kind of is like, and she has no concept of heaven and she has no concept you should lately. She'd say, like, oh, he just lives in another house. Like, she'll just say things like that, and I I don't know what to say. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 24:25

Yeah, it's like, how do we raise them to where he's a real presence in their life? And like for me, I want to tell Georgia like all the things that she gets from her daddy. Like, she's so much like him, and she has his dark hair and his dark eyes, and even like parts of his personality as she's growing. I'm like, oh, I love that that he still shows up for me in her.

SPEAKER_00 24:49

Hundred percent. You are so right. Like I've always said about Charlie, she's like my spitting image. She looks just like me, but personality-wise, demeanor-wise, all Kyle. All Kyle. It's like copy and paste. They were both just like, they're just like happy to be here. Positive little presences. And it's just like it's it's such a dream that I still get to have him, even though I don't have him. I have such a big part of him still. So what I've started saying to Charlie recently, and and you know, you you when you're public with your life on social media, people have opinions. I know what I'm subjecting myself to, but sometimes you get actually really positive things. Because I'm saying I'm like, I don't know what I'm doing, you guys. Like, you know, and like I said, people have opinions. And I I think I had somebody say to me, like, tell her, like, he's he's in her heart. And when she misses him, to squeeze her, give herself a big hug. So that's what I've been telling her. I'm like, daddy's in your heart. And if you miss him, you just give yourself a big squeeze. And so, like, that's that allows me to not have to talk about, you know, heaven, spirituality, Jesus. Like, we're not, we don't have to cover any of that, whether that's what I believe in or not. We're not touching on that. If that's how you want to handle it, I love that for you. But this is what's working in my household at this moment, and it could change in a week. It could change in a week. She could have more questions about that too, and you just deal with it while you're in it.

SPEAKER_01 26:10

I love that. And I hope for anyone listening who's also maybe trying to navigate these conversations or thinking about the their future with the kids, like that's a beautiful way I might even use that. That he's in her heart. I love that. Yeah, he's in your heart and he's always with you. But that's like he is a part of her, just like he's a part of us and how we look at everything.

SPEAKER_00 26:31

And like as you get older, like you, you like Georgia and Charlie, like you are a you were literally cells of your father. Like he is literally you. And like, I know what you mean when you say you miss him. I miss him too, but he is you, he's you. Like you are the most amazing piece of him ever. So as they get older, we can handle it differently.

SPEAKER_01 26:54

Yeah. And I mean, I'm like you, it's like the dialogue is gonna stay open forever. Like, I mean, I'm sure at her wedding we'll talk about it. Like your daddy would be so proud of you. I don't know, but you know, we just I think if anything, our journey has taught us like we have to stay where we're at, like be where your feet are. I know with cancer treatment, it was like, well, we can't even worry about that yet. We just have to get through this round of whatever. And parenting, I think, is similar. Um, so I try not to get too far down the road because, like you said, it's an ever-present reality. We'll be grieving forever because we'll always have love. And um, that's been hard to articulate to people that have not lost a spouse. Um, because it's different, I think, than lose. Obviously, losing an any other member of your life. Um, for us, we had uh just shared everything for like 17 or 18 years. So I didn't really know who Casey was without my like marriage, my partnership. I was just like, I was like, especially the last couple years, I was like Joel's caregiver. I was like team hashtag Ingle Strong was our mantra, you know. We had like Ingle Strong t-shirts made at one point. And I was the one that would like update everyone on his fight and our fight, really. And so when all that dissipated after the funeral, I just have found myself craving peace and craving like calm. And, you know, having a baby and a young baby, um, that's already a struggle. So as she's gotten older now and is sleeping through the night, that's where I'm finding myself. And I do re-engage with it, obviously, to do this podcast once in a while, but I have tried to fill our life with like a simple, like I love how you talk about raising her like in the 90s. Like I try to fill her life with the simple, fun things of childhood. We do lots of bubbles, playing in the yard, lots of farm animals, art, craft.

SPEAKER_00 28:54

Yes. Yeah, yeah.

unknown 28:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 28:55

And travel. I've been fortunate to be able to take Georgia on some fun girls' trips, and I want to continue to do that. Um, being away from my house has helped. I guess. How has that been for you? Could you speak to that a little bit? Are you still living in the same place? And how has that been for you?

SPEAKER_00 29:13

Yeah. So pretty quickly after Kyle passed, I thought I was gonna sell. It felt like the right thing to do. There were some other variables involved. And all the time.

SPEAKER_01 29:22

Especially when you worked in real estate, right?

SPEAKER_00 29:24

Yeah. I was like, let's do it. Let's just have a clean slate, like, let's get out of here. Um, it didn't end up happening. And I really do live under the idea that like everything happens for a reason. Um, so I'm still here and I feel very fortunate. I live in a beautiful home and Charlie is comfortable here, and I'll be here as long as it like makes sense. I need to be here. I think me wanting to sell my house really quickly was probably just an emotional decision, as I've been made that decision. I went through the same thing. Like, I watched my husband die in this home. This was supposed to be my forever home with this husband. So I'm still here, and that's totally fine. I think I'm meant to be here right now. And like I said, Charlie's comfortable here.

SPEAKER_01 30:05

And but yeah, my mom reframed it for me because I was going through the same thing like earlier this year. It was like, I think I need to sell, I need to just fresh start, especially with all the extras, right? Like, what if we just get a condo or an apartment, not have a yard, not have landscaping. And my mom was like, Well, look at it this way, though. What if everything happened as if it did, like as it did, because like God knew and set you up to have this? Like, I have awesome neighbors down the street. Georgia has a little friend down the street. We have space here. I have a three-bedroom house, so I have space for a babysitter to stay upstairs, and it works for us too. And so, yeah, weighing all the pros and cons. I'm like, I want to give Georgia stability, right? I don't want the stress and the chaos of moving. So I've chosen to stay for now as well.

SPEAKER_00 30:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:52

But I've had people say, I don't know how you do it. I thought I would have to leave, I would have to sell, blah, blah, blah. And it's like, yeah, no speculation.

SPEAKER_00 31:02

And sometimes I'm like, I don't know how I do it either. I'm just like doing it every day because I don't have a choice. There's no alternative, you know? So yeah, we're we're making the most of it. And yeah, I'm the same as you. I have space. My dad stays with me a couple nights a week to watch Charlie, and it's just a good situation right now. I think I'm meant to be here right now. Whatever the future holds, the future holds like. But for right now, I'm I'm comfortable here for sure.

SPEAKER_01 31:29

Yeah, I've just decided like I don't want to rock the boat. I don't want the stress of it. We had bought at a good time and we'll see what the future holds. But I know I won't be here forever. But yeah, it's like it's nice to have a space where me and Georgia can like color with chalk in the driveway and like walk around the neighborhood and that, you know. But I guess I'm just trying to weigh the pros and cons of like the nervous system reset, like we were talking about. For me, I have painted the bedroom and gotten new furniture and redid the bathroom. And I'm kind of like doing those kinds of things. Yeah. To make it a lot of things.

SPEAKER_00 32:03

I need to do some more of that. Like, I need to probably like update my bedroom furniture. It still feels very much exactly like how it looked when my husband lived here, when we lived here together, which like it's nothing wrong with that. But I found like having to like get my brain adjusted to my new reality requires me to like physically change. Like it needs to like see.

SPEAKER_01 32:28

That's a really good way to put it. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:31

Like, because I I mean, for months, like still sometimes input. You do, you do. Cause it's like, oh, I'm living in the exact same world and it's like nothing's changed. I still go to work every day. I'm driving the same car every day. I'm seeing this thing, you know. I've really been conscious about like a lot of my friends um were an extension of Kyle and they're very close friends. And I love all my friends through Kyle. They're not my friends, they're more than just my friends through Kyle. But I have been very purposeful with like making friends outside of just my circle with Kyle because like I I love Kyle, but like I don't want to only talk about Kyle because it's also still just like a really painful part of my story. So being conscious about that, seeing different people doing different things, traveling, changing my surroundings a little bit. Like I've had to identify. I felt like that.

SPEAKER_01 33:18

Everything has to change. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:20

New input because my brain's not catching up. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:24

Just to clarify, but that was like a change that I just felt like I had to do something that was so wildly not who I was. And obviously, being responsible for Georgia, I couldn't get drunk or high. So I literally just went out in the driveway and would like smoke and call my friend and cry and then put it out. And actually, I think I shared this in another episode, but Joel smelled it on me less than a week before he passed. And he's like, Were you smoking? And he asked me about it. And I said, Yeah, I was trying to hide it from you. You know, because we're like, try not to let them see how much we're struggling with like then we're breaking down something. Yeah. And I didn't want him to worry. And I actually promised him, I was like, Yeah, you're right, I'll quit. I won't ever do it again. And so that is like something I plan to uphold. But I have felt like everything has to change. Like, like you were saying, the pictures on the walls, even like what I wear, I feel like I don't even want to wear that anymore.

SPEAKER_00 34:19

I dress, what I do, like the entire, you know, last two years of my life have been caretaker and mommy to a young child. And I didn't do a lot of things with my friends. I didn't do a lot of dinners. I didn't, you know, I'm I'm in the real estate industry. There's a lot of like social events. I didn't go to any of those. I wasn't doing any of those things. I would go to work and I would come home. And at the time, I do not regret my decision. That's what you had to do. That is what I felt was best for me to do. I did not feel like I was missing out. I had my little world around me and it needed me to be present with my husband. My husband has since passed. My daughter's a little bit older. I can, you know, fill my cup up a little bit by, you know, going on a girl's weekend or going out to dinner with a friend. Like, so I am doing that. And like my dad's very conscious about that. Like he can tell, I work a very demanding job and then I come home and be a mom until she goes to sleep. And my dad's very clued into me. He can tell when I'm kind of like getting to a breaking point and he'll be like, hey, why don't I just take Charlie for the weekend? And I'll be like, What? Like, and I remember in the beginning when he would do this, I would feel guilty that I'm 32 years old and I still need my dad to save me.

SPEAKER_01 35:32

No, no, I was gonna say, like, the the whole like finding things to have fun to fill your cup, that is like the coexistence of feeling bad about feeling joy again that I've also experienced. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 35:44

And also like feeling like, God, isn't she my cup? Is it and she is, she does fill my cup, she is my cup, it's not that. But we have to have, at least I have to have relationships outside of my child. Like, you know, I used to have Kyle and I'd come home and we'd have adult conversations and we'd conspire. Like, did you see that funny thing? Charlie did I don't get that anymore. I come home and it's Charlie, and I love her, but she's two, and it's quiet.

SPEAKER_01 36:11

The quietness is so isolating.

SPEAKER_00 36:14

You know, they go to bed at seven o'clock, and it's like that's really the time you typically connect with your partner.

SPEAKER_01 36:20

Now I'm all alone in this house, like, and so usually like and you can like wind down, and sometimes I'll do like my skincare routine or get I got a sauna for the garage. I'll sit in my sauna. But it's like you can only do so much. And then I found myself like calling my friends, calling my parents, like just because I don't want to be alone.

SPEAKER_00 36:39

Exactly. And I think it's fair to say, you know, I 100% don't like being alone because when I'm alone with my thoughts, like those are really sad and scary thoughts. But I'll also be the first to say, like, I I face those head on. It's not like I'm running away from this. But like, unless you've gone through this, like sitting in that space for days on end every single day. I go in and I come out. Like I rarely have, I rarely like have a mental breakdown when I'm around Charlie because I just know, like, we because once you start crumbling, well, it's always after she goes to sleep. Yeah. Always. I'm like, I mean, rarely, I'll maybe shed a tear if she does something, but it's like, oh, and she's like, mommy side. I'm like, oh, you know, it's okay. Like, we're good. Because for me, like, what it's a slippery slope. Once I start going down there, I'm like, oh my God, it's really hard to get out of it. And I think my nervous system knows.

SPEAKER_01 37:33

No, in the same way. And I think it's good to have like, it's good to have a diaper to change, it's good to have laundry to do, you know, like I'm literally keeping this child alive and responsible for the joy in her childhood. It's such an honor. But yeah, it's those evenings. And one thing, I don't know how involved with the young widow community, if you will, you've gotten. But one thing that's helped, and I struggle to know how much to do, right? Because I think sometimes those groups just ruminate or, you know, but then there's value in sharing. And then, like we did today, like, oh my God, me too. You know, like you're not the only one that faced this horrific reality. I cannot believe you survived. And in doing this show, I've realized wait, that's what people think when they hear my story. Like, what? Like it just still feels like it was it was someone else. So that's weird. But I was gonna say, the young widows, there's like extremely young and widowed. There's a Facebook group, there's so many, but one of them does like a Discord channel, and people will just get on and it's like a Zoom, but it's just audio, and people kind of talk and banter. And that I've been doing since well, like I mean, honestly, it's been a year and a half since my husband passed. I engaged with the widow groups and stuff at first. When I started the podcast, I completely stopped. I like like left all the groups, and then last November, December, his birthday landed on Thanksgiving. And that was a hard day. And I took Georgia and we did like a birthday cupcake at this place where we had done our first look in town, and it was special. Um, and I thought about maybe teaching her that over the years, like recognizing his birthday, but I'm not sure. Again, we're gonna revisit it every year. We're gonna make different decisions and have grace with ourselves.

SPEAKER_00 39:18

Yeah, yeah. And like for me, a big thing I learned, and this would be advice I would give to a widow. In the beginning, I would make plans, I'd say I'd be places, I'd say I would do things. And I learned very quickly, there is no way to prepare for how you're gonna feel, especially in that first year, how you're gonna feel on the birthdays, on the holidays, and all the things. And I would find myself coming up to the birthday or coming up to Christmas and being like, I agree to do this thing. And like I can't even get out of bed. Like I feel awful, and now I feel obligated to do this thing. So it's like, give yourself grace. Don't feel like you still have to do all the things, and also don't feel like you have to make this giant production out of the birthdays in the hall. If that's what lights you up and that's how you feel like it's best to honor your person, I love that for you. But I do feel like there's this societal pressure to do all these things in honor of this person. And I know the best way to honor my husband is to take care of myself and his daughter. And it is that simple, and it can be that simple. Yes, I told someone that recently. If it's just waking up and getting through the day on his birthday, like that's great. He would love you for that.

SPEAKER_01 40:34

Like he would love you for that. Yeah, that's great advice. I have found that I've had to do that too with with certain holidays and stuff. And I'm like, I'm just gonna see how I feel. Like we were invited to spend Thanksgiving with a friend and her family. And I was like, yeah, maybe. Thank you so much for the invitation. We'll see how that day feels, you know. And that's a totally, yeah, that's a totally legit response. And anyone who understands grief will understand and support you. And if they don't, they can't be in the club. And like, good for them, they're not in the club.

SPEAKER_00 41:02

Then you're yeah, you're so fortunate that you don't understand this.

SPEAKER_01 41:06

You are so fortunate. I have felt that way too. In a way, I think, don't you think that grief reorients like all your priorities and like 100% and what you value, and so that impacts your parenting.

SPEAKER_00 41:20

Yeah, like, and I think I feel like my priorities took a complete 180 the day Kyle got diagnosed with cancer. And then they completely did another, you know, 360 when he died. And just like how I yeah, show up for Charlie, I would consider I've always like I enjoy working and I love doing that. And it's a necessary thing to do to provide, especially as a single mom for my child. But like, it's not at all of me. What I am here to do right now is like be the best mom that I can be for her. But that also means like taking care of me and finding joy for me because I truly feel like I can't be my best self or her if I am just burnt out, run into the ground, like, oh yeah. So I definitely prioritize so many different things. Like, let's go take a trip, let's go do this.

SPEAKER_01 42:13

I felt that way. Like we're fighting for our life. Yeah. I had an older widow, she's not much older, but she started the Brave Widow podcast and uh offers widow coaching or life coaching for widows. And I was so desperate at first and found value in the stuff she was sharing that I was like, yes, I will pay whatever, I will do it. I need these check-ins because I was like, I need to be okay. And one thing she said that really inspired me to work with her was her husband had already died and their kids had already lost their father. And she said that you don't want like the grief to also take their mother. And I was like, say no more. That resonated with me so much. And I was like, I will not let Georgia also lose her mother. Like, she has lost so much, and it just had that like resolve to be like, nope, we're gonna, whatever it takes, we're gonna be okay, um, as okay as we can be.

SPEAKER_00 43:11

And I agree. I started working with the grief coach pretty quickly after Kyle passed away. And yeah, it was an out-of-pocket expense. And I again remember talking to my dad, he's really my sounding board for a lot of things. And I was kind of like, ooh, I don't know. Should I be like investing this amount of money? I'm a single moth now. I gotta really, you know, look at my finances here. And he's like, but this is a decision that's going to affect you for the rest of your life and how you are able to show up for Charlie. And I was like, say less, like, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 43:41

And I looked at it like we were spending whatever on like the trip to Duke and his treatment and like it didn't matter, right? And so I've tried to look at um even like doing this podcast has been another expense for me. And I'm like, it's investing in my healing, and I know it's helping other people. So I'm like Gonna keep doing whatever is totally agree.

SPEAKER_00 44:03

I totally agree. Yeah, priorities have completely shifted, and you know, my perspective on life has completely shifted. And I think that is maybe the only silver lining. I wouldn't even go as far as to call it a silver lining.

SPEAKER_01 44:18

Yeah, like you can see it's made us better people, maybe in some ways. It's made us like not care about the BS.

SPEAKER_00 44:24

Yeah, I would take having him over this amazing enlightening experience, but it has been enlightening. And I and I I have said that to people. It's like a lot of people get this reality check when they're 80 years old on a deathbed. I got this reality check at 31. And by gosh, I get to live a completely different life and operate completely differently because grief entered my life so dang early. And for that, I am I'm grateful for that perspective. I am. That's kind of the only like maybe smidgen positive thing that's come out of it. But I will like I will live a completely different life. Charlie will probably live a completely different life. I would much prefer her her father be here to see it, but he's not. And we're gonna make the most of it. And um, I know we'll be okay. I know her and I will be okay for sure.

SPEAKER_01 45:11

Yeah. And and that I know I couldn't say at first. Um, so just the fact that we can sit here and be like, I know we'll be okay. Like me and Georgia and you and Charlie, like that is that is awesome. And like maybe the people that have been watching us and love us knew that from the beginning. Like maybe they'd be like, Well, whatever happens, Laura's gonna be all right. But like, I think to realize that for yourself is huge. Cause I know my daughter was nine weeks early. So I sat in the NICU with her and just cried. And I remember saying, like, what are we gonna do? It's you and me, you know, like you're four pounds hooked up to a feeding tube and oxygen, and I'm like cut open, and your dad is like home, can hardly walk, and he's on cancer treatment. I was like, what are we gonna do? And I was so genuinely broken. And that was like two years ago. And so to sit here and be like, I that's why I got emotional, I think, with her in the car seat today. I was like, that we're actually doing it.

SPEAKER_00 46:11

Like she's actually thriving, and I still have a job and I still have and I'm here and I'm showing up and I'm doing the thing. I don't always eat three meals a day, but you know. No, no. And like, and my my dad, my dad said that to me too. He was like, in the very beginning, he had a conversation with me. He was like, I was really worried about you. Like, I didn't know what was gonna happen to you after Kyle died. And it was actually my aunt, his sister, that said to him, Well, she has Charlie. Like, of course she's gonna be okay. She doesn't matter if he doesn't she's like, she's got a baby, she's got a baby, she's gonna be fine. Like, whether that's in two months or six months, whatever, she's gonna get back on track because that's what you do when you have a child.

SPEAKER_01 46:59

As a woman, I think she understood like that motherhood thing. It like awakens something in you, yeah. And I did not get that. And and again, like I think maybe as time goes by, we'll look back even on this part of our life with more clarity. She gives me hope that everything happens right when it's supposed to. Because, like, when the way that she entered my life on purpose, um, when she turned to, I called someone, I was crying, and I was like, but no, really, like, you don't understand she saved my life. Like, how is she growing up and not a baby anymore like yours this week? She's a toddler. Um, and thank God they're a little bit easier now that they're not newborns. But how have you, other than what we've already talked about, is there anything you've done to like really try to stay present for her childhood while navigating the grief? Because it does kind of take you away, right? Like for sure.

SPEAKER_00 47:55

And I and I'll be the first to say that. I mean, I can preach being present, but I don't want people to think like uh I have my moments too. Like, even like in the really good moments, Kyle's always on my mind. Almost less in the hard moments, more in the good moments. Cause I'm like, he should be here. And we were kind of talking about that. I I don't I don't know if it's just like an innate skill or a learned thing that I've had, but it was just like having her like we said, there's no coincidence of why we had them when we did. I mean, I remember like to the point thinking, like, I don't even know. Had we waited to try and get pregnant, like, I don't think it would have happened because we we tried to do the whole like family planning thing after Kyle got diagnosed and we were completely unsuccessful. So I'm like, at some point, this your body stopped doing these things for you. And so thank God we got her when we got her. Cause I don't think we would have got her had we waited.

SPEAKER_01 48:58

Yeah, and I can't imagine this journey without my daughter. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 49:02

Yeah, like without her. And there's so many synchronicities that happened in that journey. And I think I just think back on these last two years and it it again, I think it just goes back to perspective of like I have this perspective and it really does encourage me to be present because I like to tell people, please don't be naive and think what's happened to me can't happen to you. Because I used to look at people's journeys that, you know, on the internet or whatever that went through this, and I'd be like, that's so sad for them. I can't imagine. And then all of a sudden I find myself in it and I'm like, wait, what? This is this is somebody else's nightmare. This is not mine. And it's really easy to like kind of look on that and be like, that's not gonna happen, that's not gonna happen to me. So what I hope people, when they stumble upon my content, is like, I don't want to scare you and be like, oh my God, I gotta live like each day is like my last, but like kind of a little. I hope it like turns that switch on in your head to be like, gosh, this was just an ordinary girl whose whole life was supposed to start. And now look at the situation that she's in. Like, don't wait till something so devastating and traumatic happens to you for you to like wake up and be present and have this perspective change, like with your children and with your life. Like I said, like we got this quote unquote blessing of a perspective change when we're in our 30s. Most people don't wait till you're 80 on your deathbed and be like, God, I wish I spent more time with my kid. I wish I called my mom more and told her I love her. I wish I did all these. Like, do it now. Do it now. Cause you really don't know what's gonna happen.

SPEAKER_01 50:36

Like life can change, like you said, with a phone call, like with a a test result. It can change so quick. And I think that's why, like, we were talking about peace. Well, I'm trying to structure our lives to have like Joel told me, I asked him what he wanted me to teach Georgia as she was growing. And he said to love God and have fun. And so if you hear, like when this podcast closes, that's what it'll say. I set up our new Wi-Fi account for the house. Love God, have fun. The password is love God, have fun. That's what I'm gonna teach Georgia. It's so simple. And like he was a simple guy, you know? I think that we complicate things. And I have been just as guilty of that. I feel like another thing it's taught me is that obsessive, like, I'm gonna be the one to save him from cancer, like that mentality of having control. If I just work hard enough or Google enough or worry about it enough, or stay up in the middle of the night Googling things enough, then it'll make an impact. Um, I think I'd try to hold things like with more of an open hand, like impact where I can and let it be where yeah, where I can't make an impact. But yeah.

SPEAKER_00 51:45

And I think, you know, I truly feel like putting good energy and positivity out into the world. Like I feel like it comes back around in some way. So I try, and that doesn't mean like I just fake a smile. Like I am very real and authentically show up how I'm showing up on that given day. You know, that energy has an impact. Yeah, and sometimes like that's painful for people because they'll be like, How are you doing? And I'm like, awful. And they're like, Oh, I'm like, Well, what'd you? I'm a widow with a two-year-old. Like, I'm in, you know, like, and I used to, you know, and I still I will tell you how I'm feeling in that given moment. And sometimes people are like, oh, that I was hoping you'd just be like, I'm okay. That's uncomfy. I'm okay, baby.

SPEAKER_01 52:27

I'm like, well, like, yeah, don't ask how I'm doing. Ask if you can do something around the house. Imagine how I'm doing. Yeah, not great.

SPEAKER_00 52:34

I feel like there's not enough of me to go around. There's not, no. Like, I need to be at work, but I need to pick up my kid, but I need to get groceries, but no, it's it's chaos. It's absolute chaos. And I'm angry her dad's not here, and I'm angry my husband's not here, but I'm showing up and it is what it is, and we're gonna get through it. But like, I do feel like for the most part, I am in a relatively positive mood. And I think this actually stems back to a conversation I had with my mom. So my mom got, you know, diagnosed with terminal cancer. I was in college. She got diagnosed years prior to that, but we didn't find out until I was in college. So my my dad and her had kept it a secret until it pretty much got like end of end of life stages. And I remember talking to her and I was like, How are you? It's funny, it's the conversation people have now with me. Now, how are you so like positive and like happy all the time? Like I didn't get it because I in my mind I'm thinking you're terminally ill, you're gonna die, you should be crying all the time. And she was like, Well, it's a choice. And I was like, Like my brain had net like a light bulb went off. I was like, What do you mean? She's like, It's a choice to show up how I want to show up. And I've got all this sad junk over here, but I've got you, and I've got your brother, and I've got your my your husband, your father, like I've got all these really amazing things, and I can't control a lot of that messy stuff, but I can control how I show up on any given day. And I feel like it's that it was it's kind of that simple for me. I don't like feeling crummy all the time. I don't want to sit in this all the time. Doesn't mean I don't and I go there, but I would much prefer to live in a little bit more of a happier, positive, hopeful space. And I think people, unless you've gone through it, they'll look at us and be like, but how are you not just crumbling to your knees and not functioning every day? And you know, I I don't know. I'm just not, and I have to keep going and I want to keep going. And I do feel like that's the best way to honor our loved ones.

SPEAKER_01 54:39

I tell myself, I still get to be here. We still get to be here. Yeah, like there is still life for us to live. And, you know, not to mention, like one of the highest priorities, right, is like raising our daughters and giving them the best. But outside of that, there is other influence that we, you know, I guess a part of our purpose that we don't even know yet. We're both pretty young. I do one thing that I remember Joel said when we had left Duke, and they had been very clear that there wasn't anything else they could do. He looked at me and he was like, So I'm only gonna get to live half my life. You know, like he was processing like I'm 37 and I don't get to live another 37 years. And I was just like, I don't even know what to say. Yeah, and I have thought that, like, now I'm the age that he was when he passed away. And it's like, I still have this second life to live, you know, like, and I'll be damn if I'm gonna take that for granted. Like, people would do anything, people will put themselves through chemo, like we've seen, and yeah, just for the chance of more life.

SPEAKER_00 55:51

With the chance to live a little bit more time with their loved ones, and like we don't have that right now. We don't have that weight weighing over us. So, like, why not just show up and like make the absolute most of our lives? Like, it's really gotten that simple for me.

SPEAKER_01 56:08

It really has. Well, thank you so much. I love your perspective so much. I feel like we could talk for another hour or two. I know, I know. I am gonna try to bring us to close. Um, and maybe we'll do this again. But uh, yeah, just appreciate your honesty, your openness. I mean, it's been encouraging to me, even as someone who tries to stay positive and put positivity out there in the world. Um, just that it is a choice and just that reminder, I think, for both of us and our listeners that like if you can do nothing else today but make that choice, then you're doing great. Yeah. But I wish you and Charlie nothing but the best. And I am sure that you're gonna give her the best. And hopefully, maybe we can even get the girls together eventually. That would be awesome.

SPEAKER_00 56:54

Oh my gosh, I would love that. I would love that. Thank you so much. This is always like, I feel like widows get together and it's just like we're like little, you're like spontaneously combust. There's like so much passion to like talk and share our stories. Like, I love doing it. I feel like I'll be like just like bouncing off the walls for the rest of the day, just getting to talk about our loved ones. So thank you so much for having me. And yeah, I look forward to hopefully meeting you in person sometime. That would be so great. Yes, thank you so much.

SPEAKER_01 57:25

That's it for our episode today. Thank you so much, Laura, for coming on the Widow Fire show. I am just so glad that we had the opportunity to connect. We have all these terrible things in common. You are such a beautiful mom. You can connect with Laura on Instagram by searching her name, Laura Young, and I'll drop that link in our show notes as well. So you can follow her. She shares all kinds of content that really speaks to the grief process and how we are, like we talked about, trying to raise our daughters to know and love their daddies. Thank you for listening to this episode of the Widow Fire Podcast. If you know any young widows who may benefit from this show, please share. You can find us on Spotify or Apple. If you have a story to share, you can connect with me personally on Instagram. My handle is at Casey Angles. That's C-A-S-E-Y-E-N-G-L-E-S. And remember, as Joel once told me, love God and have fun.