Hearts In Transition

Hearts In Transition S2 Episode 3 W/ Eula

• Ciara

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Ciara catches up with her pal Eula talking all things FFS, her new PT company and other things about the trans experience!

SPEAKER_03

And we are live. Not live. We're back recording an episode of the Hearts and Transition podcast. Sorry, I know things have been a bit slower. I'm really I'm trying to get on top of my admin in my life. It's not been easy, but we are back. I'm recording two episodes today. So you're gonna have two episodes this month. One with my gorgeous guest Yula and one with um oh yes, we have the camera today, so we can and one with my gorgeous self where I'm gonna give a story about my um journey in Villa Mora on a holiday, which is also my four-year anniversary of HRT, and it was very lovely, and I also had some ups and downs. But you're gonna hear about it in two weeks when I post this episode two weeks after I post this one. Anyway, okay, Yula, welcome to the podcast.

SPEAKER_01

Thank you. I'm excited to be here.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, thanks so much for coming on. Um we obviously you reached out to me ages ago for coming on, and I was like, and then you've started something really exciting, and I've I've I've branched this because obviously when I started this last year, it was just about like um people's stories, and it was just like people's journeys with different stuff, which we're going to talk about. But also I want to get people who are doing stuff for the community, and also something that I'm very into and something that like um helped me a lot last year when I did it. So, do you want to tell people about what you're starting? Like your new journey that you're working on.

SPEAKER_01

I recently started, I trained as a PT um almost a year ago now, actually, maybe more. But um, yeah, I've started a PT business. Uh I say business, I don't know, that sounds that sounds too girl boss. What is a business? You literally told me you started a business on the way in here. Don't understand. Um it's called Jim Bunny, like Jim, like the name Jim. Like like Jim, like Jim, you'd meet down at the pub. Um like Jim and then Bunny with an eye. Oh, vow, okay. It's it's well genuine.

SPEAKER_03

So it's for your PT company, it's for trans people.

SPEAKER_01

It's focusing on trans people and trans bodies, but it's not only working with trans people, like actually, like a lot of the clients I have at the minute are cis.

SPEAKER_03

Um but you're encouraging trans people to come to you. Absolutely, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And I think from the trans people I I am working with, there is something which is what I kind of wanted to set it up for and like why I was interested in it. Because there's something really uh strange and difficult and unique and sometimes very beautiful and special about the relationship trans people have to their bodies. Um sometimes it's really, really fucking difficult, I can swear, can't I? Yeah, I can swear. Do your thing. Yeah, I swear it's a good thing.

SPEAKER_03

I might beep it in the in the algorithm videos, but for the most part, it's fine. You can beep me. Yeah. I've never been beeped before.

SPEAKER_01

I might have beep myself, actually. Yeah. Um but yeah, like there is that that relationship is really complicated, and like feeling comfortable in your body, like so much of stuff to do with PTing, to do with exercise, is a lot around people's body image. And in like cis straight land, that's often to do with like I want to feel hot, I want to feel sexy. And that is, I think, true for trans people as well, but it's like way more complicated when you're like trying to bring in the shape of your body. Like, I think like before I transitioned, I was like very comfortable and happy with the shape of my body, like I've always done lots of sport, I was like a relative athletic person, and I was like, then I transitioned and I was like, Oh, now I have this really masculine figure. I'm like, oh look at my tiny hips and my like kind of broad chest. Like, I don't want that anymore. So, like again, like you can actually do stuff, you can just directly address that through training. Like, if I wanted to get a big dump truck ass, I could do loads and loads of squats and get a big dump truck ass.

SPEAKER_03

Um desire, she played a transite in November and she only works the ass in the gym. So you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01

She has to have a priority straight, but um yeah, and like again for like folks who are trans masked, like a lot of the thing is gonna be around like you might have hips that are like wider than you want them to be, and then you have maybe a a chest and shoulders that feel small for like how you want your body to feel. Um and you know, you can you can do that, like you can work on it, you can get a a broader back and like you can do certain workouts that will like you can obviously change the shape of your bones, but like you know, you can do stuff that that makes you feel more comfortable in your body in its shape, but like also a lot of it is just like feeling comfortable in your body no matter what shape it is. And I have always found as someone who's like exercised all my life that like when I feel fit, if I'm in good like good shape and stuff, it's not so much what my body looks like, it's just like it just feels good, it just feels really comfy. No, no, for sure.

SPEAKER_03

And like I feel like your whole routine is like just in in I find if I'm like consistently exercising, working out, feeling good about my body, I am just so much better at everything else in my life, and on my life admin, I'm just getting up early in the morning and not being so like trapped in the tiredness that I often find myself in, you know.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, like the endorphins you get from from like I mean, I'm like my main thing has kind of been running for like most of my life. Um like the endorphins you get from that are kind of wild.

SPEAKER_03

You know, it's crazy. Yeah, it's I'm just back from like a five-month injury, I tore muscle on my hip. Um yeah, I was very not good. Um honestly, guys, whoever's listening in, if you're playing sports and you get injured, rest because I didn't rest and I kept on going back and I was in tears.

SPEAKER_01

As a as a professional personal trainer, I can tell you rest.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I probably was talking to you. Hey, you don't need advice for me, you're the fucking idiot who like kept going to training every week, and like I've just every time I like extended my leg, I've just been in literally in tears on my knees. But I just wanted it was winter, I was so depressed like from the darkness, and I was like, I need to get out and play sports, and then I didn't for five months. Um and yeah, I went back and played my first game of soccer uh last week on at the endorphins. I know I already I trained my hamstring on Monday, so I'm out I'm out again.

SPEAKER_00

No, I know it's actually insane.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I had see last year I had a PT for the marathon, Zoe. Uh Zoe Shelton Burn, she's amazing, and um, she helped my confidence so much in the gym, and it was it was like honestly, and now I go to the gym by myself and like um when I can, but like I got really into get back from injury, and then I got back from injury and I stopped going, so now I need to stop doing this with sports and do both sports and PT, you know. But yeah, PT was like an amazing change, but the endorphin I got from going back and playing sports was like, oh my god, I was just like high, it was like crazy. No, you really do, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And I I don't do much in the way of like team sport. Like I used to play like rugby as a kid, and like I loved that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I loved it, it was so much fun. Um, but like, and yeah, you'd get all that adrenaline from being like whacked around and like bruised and all sorts of stuff.

SPEAKER_03

I've played back rugby, I'm not I'm not made for that physical stuff.

SPEAKER_01

I don't think I have any roles, yeah. Like I think I'd like cry if you tackle the bag.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I know I play I played like rugby when I was like four up to fourteen, but like I hated it so much. But I love team sports, like I like team sports is like amazing, and I think I didn't play it for like 14 years, and I'm back playing it, I'm obsessed. It's the best. Shout out Coldigers. If you ever want to join, it's amazing.

SPEAKER_01

I'm so bad at football.

SPEAKER_03

So is a lot of people at Cold Degers, yeah. It's very it's very inclusive, it's a very inclusive space for people to make friends, full of lesbians, you know. Yeah. So it's so it's great, yeah. So um your company has like launched now, it's like it's it's or your business is. Yeah, we're up and running.

SPEAKER_01

I started training people like three weeks ago. Oh, cool. So it's pretty new. Yeah, yeah. Um I was sort of umming and awing about um like after I qualified. Where did you do your course? I did it weirdly at the YMCA, um which is the song. The song, but it also stands for the Young Men's Christian Association. Yeah, which is like low key is weird. Yeah, but it was really like surprisingly quite transinclusive. Oh, yeah. Um because I kind of it was seemed to be the best. I did a little bit of research and I was like, this seems to be there's lots of organizations that that provide this kind of stuff. Yeah. And the YM like it's uh level, I think it's a level three in so I don't know what that's equivalent to like GCSEs or whatever, but like um I don't know what that is from Ireland.

SPEAKER_03

So we have we have like we have level five. I'm not sure if it's the same up there. We have like in Ireland we have level five, level six, level seven, which is like college, and then level eight is like a master or no, level eight is like undergrads. Yeah, I think level eight is like a it's like a degree that's like above there's a name for it. Honors degree, an honors degree. And then yeah, there's like a bachelor's degree we to level seven, and early nine honors degree which is level eight. I think so I got my level eight, it's a great team at a level as well. Yes, go. So what was the course? Was it a personal training?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, it's like personal training and gym instruction, something like that. Oh, cool. Um yeah, I did a bit of research and then I was like, I saw that seemingly one of the best ones was YMCA and it was like in a good location for me. And I was like, YMCA though? Is that gonna be weird and not trans inclusive? Like I know Salvation Army is like deeply, deeply sorry I didn't even cock that. Yeah. I was like, I know that the Salvation Army is like really, really transphobic and homophobic. So I was like, oh maybe YMCA is too. And I did a bit of research and actually like they're not.

SPEAKER_03

They're like lovely. Yeah, they were great.

SPEAKER_01

And the people who ran the course were they were really like they were really cool. They were like in a way that is quite like deft and can be really difficult. They were like uh interested in uh sort of the trans experience of the course and also like the trans experience of exercise without really being prying. Like they sort of asked some some interesting questions like I I mentioned that I was on hormones and how that had affected like training and stuff. Yeah. And they were just sort of like, oh well, that's actually really, really interesting to know.

SPEAKER_03

Um that go closer.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, it's fine, it's fine. Um they were just like interested to know, like from a perspective of like someone who trains people, like if they had a trans client who was on hormones, like what what is that like? And I was like, yeah, no, like I was before I did the course, I was training for a marathon and I had just started taking Decapeptol like six months earlier.

SPEAKER_03

Is that how you pronounce it? Decapectal. Decape. Oh my god, every time I go and I like I don't know. I'm like Decepticol or something. Every time someone asks me, it's like what's the injection you're getting? I'm like, Deca something, and I'm like Decepticol or something like that, and they're like, okay, let me look at your files.

SPEAKER_01

I'm like Deca's is the brand name and then it's called Triptorolin. Yeah. Or tript what is it? Tryptoroline. Oh, I thought of Triptorolin.

SPEAKER_03

I think I'm not sure. Oh, so we're on the same thing. So you get the three-month injection. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

How'd you find that? I don't like having it put into my body, but um I had my friend do it the other day. Really? Oh, okay. So are you doing it? No, I'm doing it through the NHS, but I'm meant to I hope my doctor doesn't see this. I'm meant to get the nurse to do it, but I was like, oh shit, and I forgot to get the nurse to do it, and I got my friend to do it.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, and was it okay in your pot?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, it's fine. Yeah. Yeah. They yeah. We were a little bit worried, but it's quite it's quite mad because it's a powder. Yeah. It's a little weird because it's not soluble. Yeah. It's like it's a powder, you just have to like swirl it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

No, I had a bad experience a few or a few months ago. I think there was a new nurse in. And every time I get it from the nurse, I like lie down on my stomach and like then it's my glutes, they're relaxed and they can get it in. But this woman, she was gassed and she was she she was funny, she was lovely. We had a really good conversation. She was asking me all about my transition, and then she was like, Okay, stand up and bend over. And I was like, What? I was like, I don't want to stand up.

SPEAKER_01

And then she told you to stand up and bend over.

SPEAKER_03

No, we were sitting like talking while she was while she was doing the thing, and then she told me to stand up and like bend over, and she then she tried to get it in three times, but I was so tensed up that I couldn't. And I was like, What are you doing to me? And then she was like, hmm, it's not going in. I was like, Can I please lie down? And then I lay down and I went straight in. But I got jabbed four times, and you know, it's painful. It's a massive thing as well. It was funny though, I actually didn't hate her, but then the next time I came back, she was fired. So and actually, the last time fired, but it was my fault. Like, I didn't I didn't I didn't rat her out, but it was like it was so funny because she was like, When's the last time you came here? I was like three months ago, and she's like, uh, I wasn't here then. I wonder who did that. And I was like, I don't know, yeah, some woman, and then she was like, Actually, I think I gave her a good review because I thought she was funny, but then uh they checked they checked the thing and she was like, Oh yeah, this person wasn't here for that long. I was like, Oh yeah, to be fair, I kind of understand why she didn't know what she was doing, but but um so I had four of those injections really painful. Yeah, they're and how'd you find the side effects to that?

SPEAKER_01

I I mean the side effects, I guess for me were just the ones that I wanted. So I guess they weren't side effects, they were just effects.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, that's how it works. Fuck so like it raises it or elevates your testosterone and then it depletes it. Basically, is how it works. So that happens over the space of two weeks. Um that's my endo told me anyway. Um, but like I don't really feel it as much anymore, but definitely the first few, I was like headaches, really angry, I would like be really like agitated. And then uh when it depletes, I would like start crying. Pretty sure that's how it works. It doesn't really help me anymore. It's like such a horrible couple of weeks. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I text my friends. I'm like, I think my tea blockers might become a raging bitch. Just bear with me. But I guess that hasn't happened the last few times, but definitely the first four I got really bad reactions to it. I got especially the first one, because I was I was two years in my transition and then I had high estrogen and testosterone. So like um it's the same. Yeah, yeah. And then when I got the tea blocker, I just became enraged. I was like, pay anything. So funny.

SPEAKER_01

Did they give you there's like something that comes goes with it? They were like, this will stop the testosterone flare. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which I can't remember the name of, which they gave me the first time. Uh but they only gave me the that to me the first time. I didn't even get it the first time.

SPEAKER_03

That explained that explains it. Yeah, yeah, why I was so angry. I can't remember what it's called. But yeah, but now I just get it, I know I get it every three months and down my GPUs in Twickenham because I live in Manorhurst and my GP is in Twickenham because it's the only supportive one. Twickenham. Yeah, I got a half day from work. It's grand have my injection in my manager. I was like, whatever, it's fine. Go travel the length of London for your chin injection. If you don't do it, it's transphobic. Yeah, you've got it exactly. It's like I need it. Vital medical care. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's fine, it's yeah, it's fun. It's been but I definitely have seen a massive change in my body and my face since I got the tea blocker.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, because like as you say, like high testosterone, high high testosterone, high estrogen. Like when I did my baseline bloods, I don't know if you had this, when I did my baseline bloods before I started um on estrogen, they were like, You have like a sort of concerningly high amount of testosterone for a cis man. And I was like, Oh, they were like, not enough that we'd like necessarily intervene, but like it's off the normal end of like the end of like the scale of the normality, yeah. And I was like, fuck. I was like, maybe this is why I'm good at running. Yeah, just the fucking loads of testosterone. What was what was the cause of that? I think it's just like I just that was just the case that my body just made loads of testosterone naturally. Yeah. Um I was gonna be like, is that intersex? And I was like, no, that's like the opposite of intersex, like super sex.

SPEAKER_03

That's gas. But yeah, it makes it, yeah. That's my I didn't even realize that's like women women, it's like PCOS, isn't it? If a woman has high testosterone, yeah, exactly. Yeah, but I wonder that's probably not off the charts, that's probably just elevated.

SPEAKER_01

So yeah, yeah, but it was yeah, it's kind of kind of interesting. But then when I got onto the blocker, I was then training for a marathon. And it was this weird thing where I was like, I know roughly the time I'd aim for if I had testosterone. But I don't have any idea what time I'm aiming for. So I just kind of had to like make a guess. I guessed about right. Um and like weirdly, because you're training over the course of like four months, I was like, am I gonna get worse? Am I gonna get like slower at running? Am I gonna sort of stay the same? Am I gonna get better? I have no idea. Um and yeah, it was just like quite an odd experience because I I don't think I got worse. I didn't but I did notice that like maybe the returns weren't as strong because I didn't have the testosterone, so like my muscles were effectively like depleting. Yes. It was it was quite an odd like an odd experience.

SPEAKER_03

Because it happens pretty instantly as well with with deca capticle. What's it called? Is that right?

SPEAKER_01

Decapital.

SPEAKER_03

Decapital. Yeah, decaptical. It's mighty bugger. Um yeah, because like it happens like with that, like it just completely gets rid of it. Yeah, it's yeah, it's really effective. There's another one as well called like Spyro.

SPEAKER_01

Spyro apparently is horrifying. Really? Yeah, apparently it's just got like so many side effects, it makes you go fucking mad and like yeah.

SPEAKER_03

No, but I'm happy I'm on what I'm on. Yeah. Um and you're on. Yeah. Um, how did you find that? Like I found like my legs, like well obviously I never I never worked out my legs before my transition, never my post-transition, but I do feel like out of everything, my legs like get really, really tired.

SPEAKER_01

I find yeah, I so I like got did I get injured? No, I actually did a I did a thing which I would never advise anyone to do, particularly as a personal trainer, uh, which was that uh last year at some point I decided to intentionally not exercise for six months because I'm naturally really skinny, and I was like, now that I don't have testosterone and I've got the like got the hormones necessary to like grow tits and stuff, I was like, I guess I need to gain some fat for them to grow. Uh it sort of worked a bit, and it did like some I got a bit more fat on my hips and stuff. Yeah. Um but like I was not a it was much like a personal experiment, not yeah, not something I would like require anyone to do. Yeah. Um so I like I took a bit of time off. Um and then I like went back more recently to like to regular exercise running, etc. Um, because I also went a bit mad partly because I wasn't doing exercise enough. Um and like yeah, I found when I went back to doing like speed training for running, I was like, I am so much slower. Like so so much slower. Um like I can't even I mean it's probably not that interesting to know the figures, but like yeah, I was like when I was doing running 400s, like a lap of the of the track, I added like it added like 10 seconds onto the time that I could go around the crazy, which is a lot, yeah. It's like from 70 seconds to 80 seconds. And have you like got it back off now or has it been it's slightly closer, yeah, but like I think that is partly like it's just like I will be slower now.

SPEAKER_03

Um yeah, testosterone's a bad hormone, it's crazy. Yeah, crazy.

SPEAKER_01

It's a crazy hormone. Yeah, it's like I don't think it's as crazy as progesterone.

SPEAKER_03

I have never had progesterone banned by my well not banned, everyone's banned apparently from my my what's his name? My endocrologist won't give it to me. Yeah, but yeah, pernie makes her tits look great. Well, yeah.

unknown

Yeah, it doesn't matter.

SPEAKER_03

Are you on it? Are you on it? Yeah. Oh really? Oh, okay. So why is it a man drug? Oh, in a good way.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, in a good way, but also like it makes it made me go fully nuts for like a while. Oh, there was like a most people say like for the first two weeks you'll feel a bit mad.

SPEAKER_03

That makes you really sleepy, doesn't it? You take a look too. Oh really?

SPEAKER_01

Um but after after three weeks, I then just like went fucking do lally. Like I lost the plot.

SPEAKER_03

I remember I remember every guest everyone has a has a pay has a stage where they lost a plot.

SPEAKER_01

I was like um I had embroiled myself in a romantic situation that I probably shouldn't have done. Um and I it made me that I was happening like while I was starting progesterone and I remember being on my boat and like in the kitchen, I remember just crouching down and going, what the fuck is happening? And saying it aloud. No, this was when I was alone. I was just like alone, like I'm going completely stir crazy on my boat. Like sorry, okay. I've gone utterly mad. I just felt and I remember I did um I did uh Murphy's open decks, um, the the ghoul dance one, which is the best event in the world. I love it so much, Sarah Murphy, DJ Fungal, yeah. And I like did the open decks and I was like, I'm gonna do it a bit weird, I'm gonna try all these like weird experimental things that I haven't done before. Um and like looking back on it, everyway it went really well. Um and like the person before me was playing you know very danceable, good, really great music, and then I was like, I remember going up to Murphy and being like, I'm gonna play a set that is like undanceable, like it's there's lots of weird sounds, there's a choral section, like there's a lot going on. Um, and she was like, sick, like I'm really excited. That's an open deck of her, though. And it was, it was like completely insane. But then I remember afterwards, like a few days later, just like somehow getting into my head that like it was terrible and that like Murphy hated me. Not like really that she hated me, but like that that was actually really shit. Yeah, like and I was like fuck. And then like maybe a week later, I was like, oh, that was progesterone. So it was making it around the case. I was basically paranoid, very like I think prone to like almost like limerinths like I mean. Um it's like when you kind of get in a romantic thing and then you're like, I'm in love. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um I think it made me a bit prone to that. Okay and like I was just like all over the shop. I felt so much, I felt so much on that two weeks. Wait, so then you went off it. No, I'm still on it. It just like mellowed off and now I take it every day. Up your butt. I don't put it up my butt. Oh okay. I decided not to put it up my butt to make it a little bit more chill.

SPEAKER_03

Okay, so maybe because I know the girls I've spoken to who've done it um put it up their butt before they go to bed. And it makes someone sleepy and they just pass out. That's what I've heard.

SPEAKER_01

I've never realized Interesting. I never realized I used to do that and then I didn't realize that it would make me sleepy.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, that's how my ex used to do that. And um another person who I know of just like, oh, gonna get sleepy, do progesterone. Yeah, it's like so yeah, that's I've heard, but I'm not on it, so I don't know. I'm just just just I've had one person do it.

SPEAKER_01

So yeah, just if you do go on it sometime, just be careful. Well I don't yeah, well, you're already selling to me. Yeah, like it does make you feel like I know it's it sounds weird, but like the only way I can really describe it in terms of its positive effects, which I now am experiencing more than I am its bizarre negative effects, is uh that it makes me feel more embodied as a woman.

SPEAKER_03

Okay, fair, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

It's so like vague conceptually and very like holistic, but like that's how I sort almost perceive it is like you do just feel kind of you know, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

That's good. Nice, yeah. And what else did you take gel?

SPEAKER_01

Uh um I use pills.

SPEAKER_03

Oh nice, okay, cool. Yeah, I'm on under the tongue. Nice, cool. Yeah, I'm on gel. And it's I don't know, I take eight pumps a day. And like it's low. Yeah, but my levels are always low. So I'm trying a new experiment at the moment where I instead of like rubbing it, like I would rub in so much until it's basically dry, and I have a conspiracy that maybe the reason why my elbow is low is because I'm rubbing it all into my fingers. Yeah. So now so now I've stopped doing that and I rub it on a little bit, and then I just sit naked and let it dry for five minutes. And honestly, I've seen changes in my body already. I'm like, my boobs feel much larger and like more bouncy. I like I went and played soccer last week. My sports brother always very wasn't supporting my boobs, and I was like, I think this is because uniform change bra. Yeah, exactly. But I think it was because my new estrogen intake, but um, who knows? So um, so that's that's that's my journey with estrogen. I've just can never get my levels up, but I guess so annoying. So yeah, it's always been around the minimum, so it's never it's not too low, it's like 350 or 400. But I think I meant to be my endow wants me like in the 600s or something like that. So he wants like double. So I'm gonna eat. I was meant to get my blood tested off because he was like, if it doesn't come up by June, we need to like change what you do. To be honest, like the pill would probably be I was used to being on the patches, but it just destroyed my skin.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, that was like I was just like I can't we are carrying a bottle around everywhere. A bottle? Or where is it sachets?

SPEAKER_03

The oh the gel, oh you have a pump thing, yeah. I just do it when I wake up and I do four when I wake up and four when I go to bed.

SPEAKER_01

So I just like because I'm I'm always carrying my shit around and sleeping in other places. Oh yeah, that'd be a trek, yeah. Yeah, and like I don't know, boat life. Um yeah, boat life, yeah. Boat life, right? Yeah, you're done lives on a boat. Yeah, it's very cool. Yeah. So sometimes I'm like living like last year I went all the way to the middle of like East Hertfordshire. Damn it. Um it's random. And on the boat. Yeah. Um it was cool, it is cool, but like also living in the middle of East Hertfordshire, which is like not the most it's not as welcoming to trans people.

SPEAKER_03

It's not a I actually saw I actually saw this yesterday on like someone shared like the I think it was someone from Ireland about the friendliest, friendliest countries for queer people. And like UK, Ireland is 14, UK is like 22. And I was like, you know, because then you live in London, we're in such a bubble. Yeah, it's not the real UK. No, it's like we live in such a bubble, it's crazy, and like that's what my experience in the UK is like it's grand, but then it's like people, yeah, people are everyone's gay. Yeah, great. Basically, yeah, because I want to hang out in gay. I play in gay soccer team, I like run queer nights, I run a queer podcast, and everyone I talk to is trans or gay. So it's like funny when I have like that's what I'm gonna speak about in the next episode when I'm talking about myself about like leaving the London bubble, and like I was in like Villamora and like surrounded by 60-year-old like Brit holiday goers, you know, and like broke down in a pub. Because I was like, I'm not in London anymore. I realize I've I realised I'm living in a bubble. Oh my god, it's a great bubble, and I fucking love it. So yeah, I mean, although I had a good time in Portugal as well, so but yeah, it was it was just 16 of my friends and I went to a villa in Villa Mora and we uh had the best fucking time ever. It was so good, it was so good. We had such a fun time. I've never been so sad leaving. I I was DJing in um Oslo in Hackney. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so I flew uh like for after I like went to Fold on the Saturday, um saw Evian Christmas spray. Oh, this was like um at the end of March. It was spray BGB um Evian Christ, which is like amazing.

SPEAKER_01

Oh fuck, I was gonna get that was around my birthday, I was gonna get tickets to that book. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_03

But then I didn't but I didn't sleep and then you love Evian Christ. Yeah, oh my god, he's amazing. And spray it's a fairy isn't spray as well. Yeah, yeah. Oh they're just very they they went together really well. And then I um flew to Portugal right after that, so and then I drank basically for like six days straight, and then like I had to fly home at like 5 pm on Saturday, and I was DJing and hackney at 1am. And I was like, please be busy. I was like, please god be busy, or this is gonna be the longest night of my life, and it was dead.

SPEAKER_01

Fuck no.

SPEAKER_03

There's a night before Easter Sunday, and like I ran translate this weekend last year, that weekend last year, and it was just so dead as well. I feel like people just leave London and go home or something. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01

Oh yeah, Easter right enough. I was like, bank holiday. That's a really like English phenomenon.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I think to go home. Yeah. In Ireland, like that weekend pops off, everyone's out, it's a big party. But most things in Ireland it's a big party, I guess. Same problem. But it was dead, and I was like up so late, and I was just proper burnt out, so yeah, that was um I'm learning all the time trying to like manage my burnout because I do too too much, yeah. Yeah, especially when accepting accepting some like I played on Friday like for half three to five am. Like it was just the latest night in the world. Like I hated it so much.

SPEAKER_01

Especially like when you're DJing and you're like, I'm working. Yes, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Like I've got to wait, like I was in the club and the club was kind of empty now because the music wasn't amazing, and um the club was kind of emptying out, and I was just watching everyone leave, and I was like, please just let me on. Please get me to bed. But it was fine, but like I probably wouldn't accept that I gig like that again without like a hefty fee. Yeah, not a grand fee, but I would expect more like a bunch of pounds than what I got out there. But, anyways, back to the point of the podcast. So um, so you um recently got a big surgery. I did. Um It's actually like a year ago now, which is kind of mad.

SPEAKER_01

What? Yeah, that is crazy. Yeah, it's like almost exactly.

SPEAKER_03

Oh my god, I remember seeing it on your thing. Yeah. That's mad. Okay, so you got FFS? I got FFS. I have a new phase. Spain. In Spain. Do you wanna tell us about like when how you came to that decision and how it was and what recovery has been like, maybe, or whatever you're comfortable here?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, no, like I I think kind of not that long after like starting transition and kind of reaching a point of like relative comfort in being a woman and then being like, okay, do I approach some sort of medical transition? I started hormones, and then I was like, Yeah, like I have a fairly manly physical form, like it's quite masculine. Um, and I was like, What if I could change something, like what would I what would I change? And like immediately kind of the first thing the first thing really that came to me was like I had a bit of a receding hairline, and I was like, I do want to get rid of that. And I was like, well, while I'm at it, I guess it would be face. Um yeah, just like what can I what will make me feel more embodied like as a as a woman and like yeah, it was the face. That was the realization that like not that I'm like about passing, like it's not particularly important to me per se. But it's like relationship with yourself and also just like I don't know, there's something like really hard about like moving through the world in a world where everything is ever ever a lot of things are just like resisting you being who you are. So like it's something as small as like I don't know, you go into like the post office and it's like hello sir, and you're like fuck. And it's like, yeah, that's not gonna like make me cry, but it's also just like it kind of takes it's just like a little jab.

SPEAKER_03

Because you walk out feeling amazing and then and then like one person and you feel femme and you're like, Yeah, and then one person will just not read you as a woman, you're like, Wow, it's like because you feel so good when you look at yourself, you know, and I've I've experienced that. I've experienced one person call me ma'am and then ten seconds later in press, like someone go hello, sir. And I'm just like, in what world's going on? Yeah, it's so weird being like being trans because no one knows what gender you are, and everyone's just like just yeah, just like just look at you being like, hello person.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, or you could you can't better hello, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

It's a really good way of doing it. I get really I get really stressed when I'm in like environments where they're being more formal and being like hey sir, hey madame, or do you know if that you know at weddings and stuff, and I'm just like you don't need miss me with the formalities, you know.

SPEAKER_01

It's so weird. I think it's that thing of I've I've definitely said it to like people before, they'd be like, Oh, well, what would I say? And it'd be like, just say hi. Yeah, exactly. Say hi. You don't need to assume anything.

SPEAKER_03

No one's gonna be offended if you if you don't call them like their matter. If you're if you're not if you're unsure, then definitely just don't guess. That's a really good uh that's a good rule. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Um so then so uh you got it in I got it in Spain, I went to facial team.

SPEAKER_01

Um I yeah, I was like what I wanted to I wanted to do it, and I was like, how am I how am I gonna make this occur? Um and then my uh uncle who was definitely a bit transphobic um passed away. And he yeah, um and I d well he didn't know I was trans. Um he had he had quite a major stroke um like just as I was coming out. Um and I was like with my mum as well. We can't I was kinda like, I'm fine with like not being a little bit more mask when I'm like seeing seeing my uncle because I just think like for someone who's having a stroke, this is gonna be so so confusing. And like um, so I was like, that's fine. And like I wasn't seeing him like loads, like I'd go and visit him whenever I went up to Edinburgh to see my family. Um and yeah, when he passed away, like he left me a reasonable amount of money, and I was like, that's enough to get my face done. Um and m there was more as well, and I was kind of like I did definitely have this um this feeling of like it's kind of it's such a like weird, bizarre privilege to be in a situation where like as a as like a a white middle class trans person I've just sort of arbitrarily been given enough money to get FFS. Um so I have like there is a some of that money is still around and some of it has already been kind of uh given um to different people's funds. Um and like yeah, so I've been sort of uh keeping some of that away to like absolutely just be giving it away to like giving reasonable sums away to like people's funds so that because I was like it's just unf so it's just random and like unfair that like I I happen to have been given this, like other people deserve that as well. Um so I was gonna like I've definitely like thought about that for a while, just like it feels weird to do it, like it feels weird to just take that and use it.

SPEAKER_03

Well I think all trans people are like we're all like we would all take that opportunity, you know. Well, yeah, exactly. You know what I mean? I was talking to someone who recently got bottom surgery, and there is a girl in her community that like is really jealous of her and like was like, Oh, I don't want to hear about your bottom surgery because I want that. But I and like she got the girl who got it through like the NHS and stuff, and like um, but she was like, Oh, I'm jealous and I don't want to hear about your bottom surgery. But I'm like, we have to be happy for the people that get the chance to like for sure to get these surgeries, it's not easy to get, and also they're like they're traumatic and really heavy surgeries like to recover from, and like you're putting your body through a lot, and everyone should support every trans person who's getting them. I know we all want everything, that's the same with anything in life. We can't all have everything, but especially in the trans community, we all have to uplift and support each other. So I don't think you should feel guilty. I think like everyone would if you if you had that opportunity, I think everyone would only do the same thing.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, and um my my friend Jamie put it really well when I was chatting to him about it, and he was like, he's like a trans guy as well, and he was like, um how did he say it? It was like if you think about like everyone's on a on a life raft, and like some people's life rafts are bigger, some people's right life rafts are smaller, some of them are have little holes in them and they're sinking. Like you've got to attend to yours before you can help other people. Like if your if your life raft is like quite big but it's letting in loads of water, like you've got to be able to patch it up, or like and then like once it's patched up, or you could get someone on to help you patch it up, like there's this sort of whole analogy around it of being like if your boat's sinking, like there's no use in in trying to help someone else out, like you need to get your boat and then and then you can like it.

SPEAKER_03

You're gonna help anyone that can't like you need to help yourself first.

SPEAKER_01

Like if you're a plain saline, then you can go and help other people, like and you're like do it all to the community.

SPEAKER_03

You run a party that like fundraises for stuff, and you know, you've decided to donate money and you're doing personal training for trans people, so you know what I mean. You're a part of the community and you've benefited the community, so you shouldn't feel any difficulty. How about doing that? So, how was the feeling of this is what I offer because I um business growth starting fundraising for FS recently, and I probably will, um to be fair, very soon. Um not very soon. I'm going talking to my therapist about it, but every time I think by doing it, I'm envisioning before I go to sleep and wake up with a new face. And that thought like scares the shit out of me. And like, what if you don't like it? And like what if you know you're the first guest I've had on the TADFS actually. Ah, okay. Yeah, I've had loads on that if I bought them to review but not FFS, so I'm glad to um yeah, I'm glad that we can talk about it. So um how was that feeling of like closing your eyes and then waking up um with the bandages and it was it's really bizarre.

SPEAKER_01

Um I had I had a I had a quite funny experience with it. Um I can talk about drugs on the show. Yeah, of course I can. Yeah, yeah. Um this is some voice radio, so answered voice, it's fine. Um in the like period before getting FFS, like I have took ketamine, like I didn't take loads, yeah, um, but I like took ketamine and I heard like this sort of vague rumour that like, oh, like if you take loads of ketamine, you become like resistant to anesthetic. And that's not true. That's a lie. It's not a real thing. Nothing's gonna be sleeping. It was like it was in my brain. And I was like, I'd looked it up and I'd found out it wasn't true, and I was like, okay, that's fine. But I'd also I'd never been under general anesthetic before, so like I didn't know. I don't know if you've ever been under it. Yeah, but like there's that thing where like time goes. It's crazy like they're like and you're gonna go under, and then you're you're suddenly uh recovering in the bed, and it's like actually make me spooky. Yeah, we're feeling I didn't I just wasn't prepared for that. I didn't realise the extent to which it would feel like that. So I like go in and you have that thing where you're kind of doz drifting off. And as part of how long did it feel like you were asleeper? I mean, it felt like I was asleep for like half a second. That's perfectly that's what's so weird. Um what's there's right, so what's weird about the FFS surgery, like particularly that that I had where I got um hair transplant as well. So like what they do is they do all the shit to your face, the like crazy stuff. Um I could I could show you a picture. Have you ever seen a picture of what it's looked like part with so basically they like cut you from here, like the back of your skull, and then they peel your whole skin forward to your brow. And then they're like burrowing away at the bone on your skull. No And they take a little bit of the hairs. So the reason they do it back there is because that's where like your hair is like strongest, and they take the hairs out of the bit of skin they took out. Do you need a sec?

SPEAKER_00

I can't even answer now.

SPEAKER_03

Never mind guys, I'm not gonna nip a bit.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, it was quite it was quite mad. And they took a pit they take a picture like when they've like basically flayed you. Um I mean it's quite cool. I show it to people. I don't want to see that, that's mad. Um but then they they do their stuff and then they sew you back up, and then you don't need to be under general to do hair transplants, so they use local on your um on your forehead or wherever you're getting it, and they let you wake up uh but you're still in surgery.

SPEAKER_03

What?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, it's really weird. It's a strange thing, and they warn you beforehand, they're like that it's it's gonna be weird, but when you wake up and you start coming to there's gonna be people putting transplants into your like hair transplants in your forehead. Well not forehead, like on the top on your top of your head.

SPEAKER_03

Um But you're probably so out of it, are you when you wake up?

SPEAKER_01

Well, I went as I was going under, I was like whatever occurred, I was like, oh, it's like I sort of imagined my a couple of my friends were around me, and then it turned into them being like, Oh, she takes too much ketamine, the the anesthetic hasn't worked in my head. And then I came to and I was like, Oh no.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, because you didn't realise it was on.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I just didn't and I didn't even realise I'd been under, and I was just like, oh no. Oh, it's happening, yeah. And I was just sort of like and then I could hear it in Spanish, and somehow I like thought that I could parse what they were saying, which I like obviously couldn't because I don't speak Portuguese. Yeah, like I speak a little bit of Portuguese, but I at that point I didn't even really speak any Portuguese, so like I was like, I obviously couldn't work out what they were saying, but I thought that I could like parse that they were saying, Oh, like we'll just like scheduler in tomorrow. And I was like, oh no, they haven't been able to do the surgery, but they're gonna fit me in tomorrow. Okay, and then I sort of like drifted off, and then I like came round again a little bit, and they were like, Oh, we're just finishing up, we're just putting the last couple of hair transplants in, we won't be like, we'll only be like 20 more minutes. And your face well buttoned stuff at this point, or no? Uh I actually honestly couldn't tell you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got no idea. Yeah. Um, and then I was like, Oh, I did do the surgery. And then I just like fell back asleep again. Um and then I sort of came to back in the room and my lovely partner Shara was like waiting. Um and it's mad because I had like you have a drain like in under the skin, like in the back of your head, and it's just like there to sort of drain fluid out. And then uh what else was there going on? I had a catheter in which is just like horrible. Um like so you don't have to pee, it just goes like in your knob. What? Super gross. So you can't get up, like it just comes out. Um you don't have yeah, you don't have to get up, you don't need to pee. So you're bedbound for like a day. Yeah. And then they came in like the next morning. Are you just completely out of it? Honestly, like they were like, it's a really cool way of describing it. The way that they described it is so apt. They're like, it's not you're not gonna be in pain, you're just gonna be in extraordinary discomfort. Um so it is like it's hard to describe, but it is so uncomfortable having like a tube in the back of your head. I had like an ice mask thing on my face, and then like I what I did, I literally was just like had quite a lot of painkillers and watched uh season one of Big Mouth. Um and I was just sort of like vaguely floating in and out in extreme discomfort, and then they take one of the strangest sensations I've ever felt in my life is someone pulling a tube out of the back of your head. Like it was so weird, and then getting like decheterized like a moment later, like that she's someone just like pulling a tube out of your urethra. Um it was fucking bizarre. Um they were so good, like they were so so good. Um like I mean Facial Team is like it's it's quite fancy, like they were like the food was tasty, you know, because you were in a hospital and the food's tasty, and like so what's the ice mask like? Is that I kinda hated it. Yeah. Um do you know Ilo? Ilo like just got um FFS.

SPEAKER_03

Oh Ilo was a prison. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Oh no no um and she I was messaging her and she was just like, I love the face mask. The ice mask, she was like wearing it the whole time. Um and I was like, I just couldn't I don't know, it frustrated me. It made it quite hard to see.

SPEAKER_03

When you were when you were um had the thing in the back of your head and you're awesome pigment, was it like were you able to move your head and stuff or like a little bit.

SPEAKER_01

Okay, it was mainly like I was trying to sleep, but it was like I'm sort of still really groggy from um from the general anesthetic, and I'm like half trying to sleep, but like I'm in I'm just in so much discomfort that like it's it's impossible.

SPEAKER_03

Um I've only I've only got it once. I got my appendix out when I was like 14, and I remember just like the doctor like asking me about like monster rugby or something, and I was like, Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like I was talking to something and then he goes one, two, three, boom, and he was like gone. I was like, woke up being like, Is it over? I was like, what the hell? But then like I remember being on all the morphine in hospital. I was like, every time I like closed my eyes, a truck would like hit me, and I would like wake up and I would like I would like flinch and like Wasn't you you'd like dream a truck was like, Oh my god, terrifying. Every time I had my eyes were closed, if it's morphine, it's fucking me up. Every time my eyes were closed, a truck would hit me, it would like come full force of me, and I'd wake up and like jump and like. It was crazy, yeah. That's the only time I'd be in hospital was it was and they starved me for like five days because I they didn't know what was wrong with my stomach and like I had like inflamed appendix, I didn't have appendicitis. And it was just like I just remember they kept pushing back my surgery because it wasn't like vital, I don't think, and and then like I was just starved for so well, it wasn't five days, it was probably like 72 hours though. And I was like I lost so much weight and like it was crazy, yeah. So that was the only time I got an anesthetic, but I'm really hypochondriac, like I I'm a big hypochondriac over anything, like um, so like god, like that sounds like I would have nightmares about it forever.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I mean I'm a bit of a hypochondriac. Are you? A little bit, yeah. Not like super bad.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. But like I just wanna I just want to get my brow bone lifted and probably like I probably don't my like my hairline's a bit receded, but it's like I can't tell. Yeah, but I can't just tie my hair back. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. That was the thing that frustrated me. Yeah, you know what I mean.

SPEAKER_03

I can tie it back, but I can't tie it up like so. So yeah. But it's fine, I don't need to do it. I'm always wearing a fucking hat anyway.

SPEAKER_02

Everywhere I go.

SPEAKER_03

You are always wearing- and I'm wearing a hat today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why I said I'd taken off because it can't be in every single thing I have on eye. I can't have that hat on.

SPEAKER_01

But I was like, I'm gonna put the hat on. I was I thought about taking the hat on before we started, uh hat off before we started. Yeah, but I was like, if I I know myself, and I was like, if my hat is off, I will keep touching my hair. Oh yeah. I'm like I'm terrible for it. I touch my hair constantly. Yeah, I I found out I got diagnosed with ADHD recently, and during the like um the diagnosis call thing, she was like, Yeah, do you like fidget a little bit of a? And I was like, Yeah, I'm literally like tapping my foot right now. She was like, honestly, I didn't even need to ask you that question. You've been touching your face and hair like constantly while we've been talking. And I was like, Oh, I was really, really red by this.

SPEAKER_03

And so you got uh literally, I've never been diagnosed with any noridivergence, but every single trans person I speak to has it. I mean, yeah, like I'm like, I'm literally like, what am I missing out on? I probably do have a bit of ADHD to be fair. I definitely suffer with um hyper fixation, okay, but it's more like with like music production or like sport when I started it. I become obsessed. Oh my god, like I start a track that I like and I will work for five days straight. I won't do anything. I will work, I'll be up to 1am, like working on this track, get up, work night to five, and then go straight on the track and like until it's finished. I am the same.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, like I'm the exact same. Um you have a new track out, which is exciting.

SPEAKER_03

I got load, yeah, I got loads of new tracks that I have. I have five tracks mastered. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just like locked in. I I love it. I have I've um I released um Morning to Do, which is really cool. They got Fade and Punch and Pawn Shop in Dublin, which is so cool. Yeah, and Kyle Stairkey was in the crowd for any, so Kyle Stairkey probably and dirt, so they probably heard my track, which is really cool. And um, I got an email last night from Michelle Monetti who downloaded my new unreleased one. Yeah, isn't it so sick? Yeah, I was like oh, it was so nice, yeah. And then I got another master back today, but can you feel that? And it's a really cool track. I'm gonna play it for the first time in Cork when I'm supporting the spray. And um that's sick, yeah, yeah. So it's all really exciting. Um I I literally have no gigs after June 6th, which is like I've been basically non like I've been detained seven weeks in a row and I'm pretty much non-stop like between now because I have residencies and stuff, so it really adds up to schedule. Um, but like since like the end of December, I've been pretty or in December in general, I've been pretty non-stop. So it can be really, really tiring. Um I think maybe a break would be good, but it's weird, isn't it? Like um the scene I find it's just like you have a momentum and then you suddenly stop and it's like what the hell?

SPEAKER_01

Like I had a similar thing like last summer. I think I like didn't get a booking for like a couple like a month like over a month, and I was just like, fuck. Yeah, it's really scary. Yeah, so I was like, oh that's it. Yeah, um, and then like then just like it just sort of rolled on like into I think it was like late July into August. I was like booked every week for yeah, and I got you for Twitter as well. Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_03

Like um and it was like I feel like running your party as well kinda helps like you're like because you'll be able to um that's like a really good way of like meeting new people and extending your network and just how but now because I'm producing I actually don't mind as much. I'm like it's scary, but number one, I have a rest, I'll gonna have a rest in June, so that'll be nice on July. We're gonna go to festival festivals and everything, so I'll be out of London like but um but then also um like when you're working in production, I feel like you're working towards something and not just working like I feel like before that I just the only thing I could do is like social media or something or like reach out to parties and stuff. Yeah, it does kind of like I don't know. But now I'm like I love making music so so it's really fun. And um I have like a mentor kind of guy, Jerry Jeremy. Um he's just on the Raise DJ Academy, but um he helped me, he's helped me a lot, and if I have any questions, he'll help me. So I did his course and he's been really supportive since so that's so yeah, yeah, yeah. It's been really if if anyone will I know you're producing, you've released did you release your track? I did, it's on um Labon Musique.

SPEAKER_01

They have a label. Yeah. Oh nice. They have uh you haven't I don't see any big posts about it. It's like it's been released like a couple of weeks ago and they're doing like a post-foreach track. Oh various artists, so like I've got one track on it, and there's like some other really great artists who have got tracks. They are. I must check it out. Is it on Bandcamp now? It's on Bandcamp, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, so it's is it on platforms, SoundCloud, sorry?

SPEAKER_01

Uh I know I don't think it's on SoundCloud. Um but I can I can send you the uh free download link on the code. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love it, I love that. Yeah, yeah, it's it's really cool. The the concept behind the VA um is it's called between hours. So like the idea and it comes there's like um a zine as well that's like part of it. Um and it's the idea is between hours, so it's like kind of when the party finishes, when the lights come up, what what does that feel like for you? And like what is the what's the the the concept? So like the track I made, it was actually like one of the first things because I like um as a kid I got incredibly hyper-focused and like composed loads of music like on a stave. Um like I was a bagpiper at school. Um yeah, so I like started with bagpipe. That's a Scottish review. So I like started like writing on a stave for a bagpipe, which is like you know, you've only got one note at a time, so it's it's incredibly simple. Um which does make it uh very like it's very vibes-based and like sort of rhythmic, and it's like there's a lot to it, which I genuinely think has helped me a lot as a DJ. Being like uh my first introduction into like understanding music at all was like this weird instrument that can only play one note at a time, and it's like all very phrase focused, and like it's all about like momentum of music. Um and then I started playing drum kit as well, which like super, super helpful. Definitely helpful, yeah. Um like really really helpful. Um but I like started computing music for that, and then I like started like at school, like I don't know, there would be like uh like a I played in a band for a bit, but I would like write music on a stave for that, and then like started making little ensembles of like I wanted to start a band because I was like a total edgelord when I was like 16, 17. I was like Lord, a little edgelord. I was like, I was a bit of like a hipster, I guess, at the time. It would have been like I wanted to be alternative and cool. Okay. I was like, I want to start a band that doesn't have a guitar in it. Oh, so I was like, right, I'm gonna get all my friends who play different instruments, and we had like a piano, we had a little choral section, there was like a bassoon, I think, and like a cello and a double bass. Like it was just like a really weird, like a saxophone and a trumpet, a violin, like it was just like a really weird combination combination of instruments, and I was like writing some music for them and loving it. And then I was like more recent, and I kind of stopped doing that when I was like went to uni really. Um and then more recently I was like, well I'm DJing, like I should I I have written music in the past, like I should I should start producing, and then I like downloaded Ableton and I was like, Oh, this isn't a stave. Yeah, it's like where do I write the notes down? Um and I was like, okay, and I I worked out like I worked out how to do it. Yeah. But I started this like almost as a almost as like an exercise for myself to like get my head around how to navigate Ableton. I was like, It's crazy, it's like so much time confusing.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I'm still like like I've been boosting nine or ten months now. Um well after the course. How does that work? Wait, what?

SPEAKER_02

That's why I think I'm very departing sometimes.

SPEAKER_03

I try to think of like after course, pre-course. Do you know it's like BC? It's like before Christ and AD. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Pre-chorus and after course. So I've been putting for 10 months.

SPEAKER_01

I was talking to someone last night and I just went off with some random musical notes, like the BTAD code protection.

SPEAKER_03

It's not at the point last night when like I was talking to someone and then I ended up going on. They said something, and then I ended up providing because my brain is completely they triggered something in my brain. I was like, Do you know like maggots can go into like turtles' eyes and something out? But what she said like triggered something in my brain, and she's like, What the fuck are you talking about? That's what happened there. Anyway, but yeah, so I've produced it for two years, but like before the course I wasn't producing. I had no idea how to use Ableton, and then after the course, I've been like made five tracks, so nice, yeah, you know, so um, but I still don't feel what I'm doing with Ableton. Well, I do obviously now a bit more, but it takes there's so much to it.

SPEAKER_01

Like yeah, there's like so much to learn. And I was like I was like, I just want to learn how to like roughly navigate this fucking thing. Um so I was like, right, what I'm gonna do is I'm just gonna make a track where I just use one track, like someone like another track. It was um Come For Me by Abra, which is an amazing track. And I was like, I'm just gonna take this and I'm gonna chop it up and make another song out of it. Oh, cool. Um and that was what I did, so fucked around with it quite a lot. And then like I produced other stuff and like made some other tracks. Um like one of them's like just on my SoundCloud. Uh like a fuck quite a lot of them just aren't finished.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. Um it's hard to finish them to be fair.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. That's funny. Um the one on my SoundCloud is quite fun. I used to check it out. It was the the sound I when Charlie Kirk I saw this in your story. When Charlie Kirk got shot, I was like, Yeah, I'm gonna use the sound of him getting shot as a snare. Oh, just built a track around. Yeah, yeah, that's pretty new. Which was quite fun.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I I saw you share something like that um on your story around that time. Yeah, yeah. So check it out. Yeah, I must have to.

SPEAKER_01

I like got a bit better at it over the over the time. And then I was chatting to uh Maeve who runs uh Labon Musique, um, and she was like, Yeah, like send me some of your stuff, like you know, and I was like, oh like what what should I do? And I was like looking through the old things, like some of the stuff I'd made that wasn't finished, and I like just put pulled up this thing that I'd sort of put together when I was like trying to learn how to navigate Ableton and just like it's just Abra's track chopped to bits and then put back together. And I was like, Oh, this is actually gonna this has a vibe, like if I can do a bit of work on this, like I can make this into something. So I just yeah, that is the that's the track, and it's like it's got a lot of like little bits and snippets of like shit that people are saying, and it to me it feels a bit like it's very horny as well. It's like a really horny vibe.

SPEAKER_03

That's song Mornings with you that I made. I made it when I was like really mad about someone and the lyrics are so sexy, and I was like, guys, I'm making the hottest tune I've ever made. It became less hot after I got after I finished it, it became more of a dance track, but well initially the initial concept was so sexy because French women like whispering romantic things with hot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, um have you ever played your music out?

SPEAKER_01

I still I've literally I have I played it at the Forest Rave Oh that we ran. Yeah, I almost get to that one. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

I I've literally like I've closed that party on Friday and I had three songs ready to play, but because there was only like twenty people, twit no, there's like forty people, then the last 20 minutes there was like 20 people, and because I had like so little left, I needed to um I couldn't really risk playing tracks that weren't what they were enjoying. And they were really enjoying house tunes. Okay, my tracks are quite transi or techno-y, so I was like, I can't um I was like, I can't risk you because I just needed people to say on the dance for, which um and they were loving like fork house, so I didn't want to risk it, but I will do it eventually. Yeah, like I'm playing in Quirk, so I'm gonna play like hopefully too much. Well, definitely one of my tracks. Too much arcs, because I have an intro called Make Me Feel when the Michelle Manelli downloaded. Um and I have my friend who goes, You are now listening to DJ CK. It's like so cool. And then it then it kicks in, it's really good. Oh, we love those things are great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's cool that my friend's gonna be in my friends gonna be in the crowd and like she's she's speaking, so it's too fun. I can't play it, yeah. But um but yeah, they're producing music, trans women just goes in hand.

SPEAKER_01

I mean, like it's I was like, I guess I'll just like lean into this stereotype.

SPEAKER_03

Like it's so funny, I was speaking to someone recently and I was like, oh, sometimes I like um struggle to like fit in with like the trans community, like because I like I don't know, I feel like they're either like really what's the right look for it? They're like really like into like gaming or something or into like Reddit trans. Yeah, Reddit trans, you know, and I'm like, oh I really don't know fit in with them when they're like you're literally a trans DJ I was like yeah, actually that's such a bonnet point. Yeah, it's like I don't really have a like sand on there. I think it was because like a lot of the times when I'm playing because I'm really sporty and I feel like don't people are like oh queer people don't play sports and stuff, which you know I I hate I hate that rhetoric, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Like um sports dikes, that's like a yeah, but if you're in like yeah, it's a massive thing, yeah. It's a thing, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

But I feel like it was just the circles when I uh initially came to London. Um I feel like those circles are like what you're like going to a match or like you're you're like playing sports, it's like that's not queer of you. And I'm like, it's so stupid, isn't it? Yeah, isn't it so dumb? Yeah, so stupid. Yeah, but that's what things were said to me, so I felt really subconscious about like in sports. So yeah, but then I joined sports and now it's like, oh my god, yeah, I need this in my life. Yeah. Um okay, we have two minutes left. How have you found the chat? Did you have a good time? I had a wonderful time. Yeah, it's been really nice.

SPEAKER_01

The time has flown by.

SPEAKER_03

I know, it was great. Like the last time I was on the podcast, um, I had just come back from Belgium, and me and this guy I was seeing ended three hours before. So it was like I had not slept in like four days, and then me and this guy just ended, and like I had it booked in with uh Lee from Rage, and um I was like, Well, I'm not gonna cancel that because like maybe it'll take my mind off it. But I was my head was scrambled and I had not slept, so I feel like this conversation f um flowed a lot better than what I was with Lee. Lee was great and it was so funny, but I was just like I was just in space. I don't think I could like no, I was just up to performing to like 1200 people in different country, and like I was like that the adrenaline from that in general would like struggle to bring me down to like talk someone.

SPEAKER_01

Was that the LSD X-exo game? That was cool.

SPEAKER_03

That was crazy. I don't think that's peak. I think I don't think I'll ever beat that. No, you will. I played like main stage of European festival, I don't think I'll ever beat that. Like I like I think the and a peak time because the base been cancelled. So I do think oh yeah, so I think that like um that's I probably won't do that again. But anyway, but I like it was a mad experience. Anyway, um, do you have anything you want to plug before we go?

SPEAKER_01

Well, you can follow Jim Bunny, which is yeah.

SPEAKER_03

I will put it in the description. There we go. Um I always forget to do that, but I will not do it this time.

SPEAKER_01

We also have a gator raid coming up. That's how to spell it. G-A-Y-T-O-R-A-D-E. Gator raid. Um we've got one coming up on the 13th of June. Um it's fundraising for um the Dyke project, which is um like an organizing group that I'm part of. Um has his uh Carly who goes to the headlining, so that's gonna be really fun. Um yeah, it's gonna be sick. It's gonna be super fun. It's at the old man's head in Peckham.

SPEAKER_03

In Peckham. I've never gone there actually. It's like a big dike spot, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need to go in there. I'm just like live so far away from south, so it's so hard. Like there's so many parties that glitched was on last week and Fairton, and I was like, guys, it's gonna take me like an hour and a half to get home. Yeah, guys, I have no money to like pay for new birth. So I couldn't go because I'm up chopped in north. Anyway, okay, thanks so much for coming on, Yula. You've been great. Uh I'll be back in two weeks with my episode that I'm about to record right now. And then also, I don't know who's coming on next month, but there will be some tranny. Okay.

SPEAKER_02

Okay, thanks guys. Bye. I'm gonna clap the thing.

unknown

Nice.