Mini Ep- If You’re Washing After, You’re Doing It Wrong

What if washing your hands after the bathroom isn’t the important part? Host Rab dives into germs, “family jewels,” public contamination, and the horrifying realization that your junk may actually be the victim. Welcome to the Double Wash Exorcism.

Transcript

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Stop treating your genitals like a toxic waste site. Start treating them like the VIPs they are. Most of you wash your hands after you pee because you think your junk is the problem. But I'm here to tell you, your junk is the victim. When you go to the bathroom, you're doing it wrong. This is One Up the Annals, and I'm Rab. Let's go. We've all seen the guy who just finished, shivered for unknown reasons, then shook it, zippered it, goes to the sink, then pretends to use soap and just barely rinses his hands real quick before darting out. And that's not even as bad as the one who doesn't wash at all. The Phantom of the Restroom. Just runs in, collects specimens all over their hands, and runs out to save the world from being healthy. But even if you wash well, you're still just a trained biohazard trap. You took the name Privates and you turned it into public. But here's my analogy. You have to put your oxygen mask on first before you can help someone else. Think about it. Since you left the house, you've touched gas pumps, subway poles, and credit card screens. Surfaces shared with a world of 8 billion, where one in five people is walking around with a multiplayer problem and an itch that penicillin is losing a battle with. On top of that, there are 10 million viruses on this Petri dish we call Earth. Your hands are a congregation of every stranger's worst mistakes, and your junk is about to become the place of worship. You reach into your pants and grab your most prized sensitive VIP anatomy. It's so important we nicknamed it the Family Jewels. But you're handling that heirloom with hands that have the potential to turn your legacy into the people of Walmart. Genitals Edition. If you aren't washing your hands before you touch the merchandise, you aren't being clean. You're just inviting a bus station's all-star team of pathogens to a private party in your pants. You didn't even try. And now you're an accomplice who feels justified because you washed your hands afterward. Like your Florida-shaped parts were the problem. Today, we're talking about the double wash. Washing before you touch the hardware is an act of dignity. It's telling the world that the outside stays exactly where it belongs. You wouldn't let a doctor perform surgery on you with hands he just used to eat a gas station chili dog. So why are you handling your wiener with hands that just went on a fun slide down a public handrail at the mall? Then, once the business is concluded, you wash again. But this time it's not for you. This is the respect lodge. This is for the rest of us. It's civic duty. It's a silent agreement between civilized people. I keep my cooties and you keep yours. So the next time you walk into the bathroom, remember the wash before is for you. The wash after is for civilization. I came for the soap, you stayed because your junk deserved better. And now it's in the annals. Good night.