I'm in a situationship...now what?

Today's episode wraps up our three-part series on situationships.
(And if you haven’t heard the first two yet, I highly recommend you give them a listen first.)

Now that you know what a situationship is, let’s talk about what happens when you realize… you’re actually in one. In this final chapter, we’ll explore your options—whether you choose to stay, redefine the relationship, or walk away.

For updates, follow me on instagram and TikTok: @thingsimeanttosaynaked

Or learn about figs, the therapist and her services go to figstherapy.com

Citations and things I read for today's episode:

Delizo, S. K. D. J., Dapliyan, Y. A. R., Ban-eg, H. T. A., Canlas, C. A. F., Tong, N. I. D., & Yusingco, E. R. I. (2025). Navigating Ambiguity: An In-Depth Exploration of Situationships in Contemporary Romantic Relationships.

Dolan, E. W. (2025, August 4). New Psychology Research reveals why people stay in situationships. PsyPost. https://www.psypost.org/new-psychology-research-reveals-why-people-stay-in-situationships/ 

George, A. S. (2024). Escaping the situationship: Understanding and addressing modern relationship ambiguity among young adults. Partners Universal International Innovation Journal, 2(3), 35-56.

Gibson, T. J. (2020). If you want the milk, buy the cow: A study of young black women's experiences in situationships

Langlais, M. R., Podberesky, A., Toohey, L., & Lee, C. T. (2024). Defining and describing situationships: An exploratory investigation. Sexuality & Culture, 28(4), 1831-1857.

Singh, S. Fooling in the Name of Love: Welcome to Gen-Z Relationships.

Shah, K. (2024, January 31). Half of 18 to 34 aged Americans have been in a “Situationship.” YouGov. https://business.yougov.com/content/48492-half-of-18-to-34-aged-americans-have-been-in-a-situationship 

Stanley-Blackwell, R. (2025). Navigating Casual Relationship Breakups-The Role of Attachment Orientation and Expectations on Coping Strategies and Distress (Doctoral dissertation).

Transcript

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So today's episode is the conclusion of a three-part series I've been doing on situationships. The first episode, I focused on what makes situationships common, what are situationships, and why do they happen? The second episode, I focused more on the elements of the situationship, such as the ambiguity and how this ambiguity impacts our mental health, our self-esteem, and feelings of self-worth. And after hearing about pretty much how situationships affect us, why do they happen, today's episode I'm going to conclude with what do we do if we find ourselves in a situationship? Whether that means to stay, whether that means to redefine with clarity, or recover from a situationship hang, I said hangover. And that's um that's my ode to my BSB nights that I mentioned in episode one. I mean a situationship breakup. That may include a hangover, hopefully not. But if you find yourself in a situationship breakup, regardless, today's episode is about taking steps, making changes in your relationship that is for your best interests and mental health in mind. I would love to hear from my listeners what do they think after listening to this three-part series on situationships? Welcome to Things I'm Meant to Say Naked, a podcast about mental health, desire, intimacy, and the treats that we carry in our bodies. I'm Fix, a certified sex therapist, a licensed mental cancer, a liver, and someone who is spending way too much time thinking and shifting is education and versions of this video. Some episodes will be just me. So get it comfy and let's get into the things that we were meant to say naked. Although this podcast explores themes of mental health, relationships, and sexuality, it's for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care. If you find yourself struggling, please reach out to a licensed provider in your area. The first question I am going to ask you if you find yourself in a situation ship is do you even want out? Do you even want to get out of this situation ship? Be honest. You know, as a situation ship survivor myself, you know, I've I get it. I've been there. I've been in ones where I thought, you know what? Yeah, this is fine. I'm having fun. This is not forever. It keeps me going in this dark, bleak world we live in right now. I've been in those situationships. And then I've been in ones that felt like absolutely agony. It's just agonizing. I'm overthinking. I'm where is this going? Where am what am I doing? Do I even like this guy? And then, you know, it's it's silent. I haven't heard from him. And then he texts me back, and I'm just like uh putting my hands around my throat, and I'm just saying, release me. You know, I'm just it's just like that meme. Okay. I've been there. What I'm trying to say is I I want you to really just think about do you really do you do you even want out of this situation ship? Is it causing you distress? As I've shared in episode one, one reason we are seeing more situationships is because so many of us are still in transition. Maybe you're starting grad school, maybe you're moving, you're in between these big live phases, or maybe you're like me, a digital nomad, looking for a new place to call home. In those cases, a short romance without labels might actually fit. When I when I think of a short romance, I or a non-committal romance. I think of the Lizzie McGuire movie, you know a Paolo. And I I think that's just the perfect metaphor of a situationship. It's it was short, it was adventurous, it was romantic. You know, she's she's seeing all of Rome. I that's on my bucket list is of places I to see. I always wanted to see Rome. And she's on, you know, the moped and the music's going on. It's great, but it was not meant to last. And it was a bit based on projection. It wasn't real. He was lying. Maybe that's the first introduction to situationships for a lot of us millennials. I don't know. That's food for thought. You know, maybe one day I'll do just an episode on the Lizzie McGuire movie, okay? And if that's you, that's fine. But just say it up front. Most people enter situationships hoping it'll turn into something more, as I mentioned in episode one. The stress comes from not knowing when it will end, or worse, when you're gonna be ghosted without warning. Some situationships persist because one person knows when there's an expiration date, while the other one doesn't. This could be you're waiting for your ex to come back from law school. And this person you have a situation ship has no idea. And they're this whole time they're building and they're waiting for you to be vulnerable, for this to develop into something more while the other person is doing what we call deactivation strategies. These are ways to not emotionally invest, to not allow yourself to emotionally invest because there is some kind of expiration date. And so, for the love of trees, I love saying that now, for the love of the trees, spare people agony. Be clear if something is temporary. Situationships rely a lot on projection. Imagining what it could be instead of what it is. Yeah, this is this sounds a lot like the Lizzie McGuire movie now that I'm saying it. And that projection can be pretty heartbreaking when one person is waiting for something to happen, some situation to change, while the other one is building up hope for something real. You have to understand people are people have feelings, they're not placeholders. Treating folks as placeholders for something else to happen, like an ex to come back, or maybe you have another situation ship. Um yeah, that's that's fucked up. And I I mentioned this before, I'm not sure if it's episode one or two. Maybe you don't want to commit to one person. The idea scares you, doesn't interest you, and you want to see multiple people at the same time. I mentioned this before, poly folks are master communicators. A lot of them don't want to be with one partner. A lot of them don't uh necessarily have a hierarchy, but they are masters in identifying how that would look like with rules, boundaries, expectations, so that everyone involved feels seen, heard, and respected like people, not as placeholders. You see what I'm saying with the differences between the two, and why one that is maybe not a hundred percent socially acceptable is a lot more emotionally responsible than one that is so normalized, it's socially acceptable, but causes so much harm because it's ambiguous. That is so unfair. Now that I now that I'm saying it out loud, it just doesn't make sense to me. But if that is the case, if there is some kind of an expiration date, if there is some kind of major move, life transition that you're waiting to happen, and therefore a non-committal relationship is meant for you, state that, communicate that. And yes, you know, I've heard you. I hear it all the time. Figs, it's lonely out here. I know it's lonely. I've I talked about it in the episode with the dogs in the bedroom. Sometimes my cat's mother feels lonely and he finds himself in the bathroom. I I've said it, okay. But here's the thing a lot of people are open to short-term relationships that aren't ambiguous. You'd be surprised how many people are out there are not looking for long term. But you lying, putting on your dating profile, open to long term. I I love watching those TikToks where people are flagging uh hinge profiles as red flags and green flags, and most of the time it's like open to long term or open to short term. When I see that, I just hear, I want a situationship. I'm open to a situationship. That's what you're saying. Because I want all the elements that may be in a committed long-term romantic relationship or a healthy romantic relationship, but I want to keep it ambiguous for the sake of emotional distance, or I just don't want to be clear, or I don't want to come off a certain way by stating my wants and needs in a relationship that fits my life circumstances now. So to say that you're open to short term or you're open to long term for the sake of more matches, I'm gonna say that is not strategy, that's predatory. The first question I'm gonna ask you about, you know, all when we talk about situationships is do you even want out? And does a situationship fit your lifestyle now? And if that's the case, I'm sure I made you think about a lot of the things that maybe you need to stay upfront when you put yourself out there. Okay. So what if both of you actually don't want commitment? You've said it, you've agreed on it, and you've entered the situationships with your eyes open. Congratulations. That's actually not a situationship, that's actually what's called a casual relationship with communication. Yeah. Listen, if if that's the case, set ground rules. Talk about boundaries around intimacy and exclusivity. Ask yourself, are there certain types of emotional or physical intimacy that feel too intimate for something casual? Do you know your limits? And does your partner? And I also include when I ask, does your partner, it's not just your partner in this casual relationship, but maybe also your partner outside this relationship. I've mentioned this before previous episode, how poly folks are the masters of communication. A lot of them don't want to commit to one single person. And so they state that. To put it like this, here's the tricky part with casual relationships is what may feel small for you may feel humongous for them. And what may be small for them may be big for you. Maybe it's cuddling. Maybe for one person, cuddling feels way too intimate. This feels something that I only reserve for my committed partner. And for another person, cuddling is a necessary step of aftercare. How are you supposed to know? If you find yourself in a casual relationship with communication, or rather you want to turn a situationship into a casual relationship with communication, you need to know thyself. Know what kind of forms of sexual and emotional intimacy you are okay with that doesn't feel like it's too much. This is what we call, again, I've talked about deactivation strategies. These are ways and strategies in which you don't allow yourself to emotionally invest in someone rather than leaving someone floundering around. What does this mean? They introduce me to their friends. That may mean they might actually like me or they want something more. Rather, for you, maybe meeting your friends is no big deal. Your friends know that you are prone to and just genuinely like casual relationships, that other person's not going to know that. So you do need to state these things if you want that. I point this out because if you both agree, if the people involved in this situation ships agree that they don't want commitment, then don't do activities, don't do behaviors, don't do things that for you signal commitment to yourself. I I put it like this. Okay. This is actually a joke that my best friend and I have is that for a lot of us, when you open yourself sexually, you also open the door to catching feelings. My best friend and I, we call it getting digmatized. We open ourselves sexually and we're just like, you know what? I don't know, maybe this is the one. Maybe some of us just can't do sexual relationships because when we do allow that form of vulnerability, then that opens the door to so many other feelings. Maybe you have certain sexual acts you just don't do. And I say this because one of the things in in terms of non-monogamy, especially when working with monogamish, these are closed committed relationships, but have rules in which they do open, allow themselves to open. Maybe they have a partner who travels a lot, goes to conferences, and when they're in conferences, they can have casual hookups. And when they're having these casual hookups, they may not do things like kissing or having anal because that's reserved for their committed partner. When we're having casual relationships, yes, you do have to talk about limitations about sex because maybe for you, this is something casual, but you want some sexual exclusivity, not hooking up with other people for the sake of preventing STI transmission, safe sex practices. That's totally fine. That can exist. You can be sexually exclusive in a casual relationship, but you do have to state that, and the other person has to agree and also benefit from that. I'm saying that casual works better when you're honest about things up front and not when you find out the hard way. So the first two scenarios, if you find yourself in a situation, I talked about you don't want commitment. The second, I've talked about, well, you both don't want commitment. Now it's a casual relationship with communication. Great. Now let's talk about the most common scenario I hear. The ones that are in the memes. When you went in thinking you wanted something casual, but then you caught the feelings. Or maybe you hope from the start that will become something more. Either way, you are stuck. You are in uh a sticky situation, you are in the situationship. Yeah. Let's talk about that. What do we do when we caught the feelings and we're hoping for something more? As you can guess from the last two points, from the last episodes, from working with me if I'm your therapist, I am going to include knowing yourself, know thyself. Of course, I'm gonna talk about knowing thyself and communication. None of that avoidant shit. That's how you got here in the first place, is because you avoided vulnerability. So, of course, I'm gonna encourage some feelings and knowing yourself, but you know, this is the blunt truth of it all. This notice me senpai. This notice me senpai strategy doesn't work. I said that for my fellow Dweeves and anime watchers because if you watch anime, if you watched romantic anime, there's always a notice me senpai where you're just waiting for them to notice your worth without saying how you feel, and they too will develop feelings and chase after you. It's romantic. I'm a romantic myself. That's how you got here in this in the first place. This is how you ended up in the situationships. That's a that strategy doesn't work, okay? You have to understand situationships thrive on little communication and big assumptions. So here you are catching feelings while the other person probably has no idea. A lot of us are oblivious, you know. Some of us are are just not good at catching those cues, those social cues I mentioned before. How do they know? How do they know you caught feelings? Okay, it just doesn't work. Or this happens too, they know. Oh yeah, they they know they know you caught the feelings, and they're ignoring it to keep things as is, as they are, meanwhile, you are exhausting yourself, you're exhausting yourself to relationship burnout. You see how it just doesn't work. This whole strategy doesn't work. I I like to say that if you've noticed yourself catching feelings, if you caught the feelings, it's not at all a bad thing. This is also a good thing. Maybe you are finally ready to love, to experience love. And as your therapist, if I am your therapist, as your what do you call a podcast speaker? Podcaster? I don't think I'm a podcaster, I'm just a therapist with a mic. So as your therapist, great, not only you're ready for love, but you also are ready to feel loved and feel cherished, not breadcrumbed. Whatever this is, whatever you're in, not not that. Honestly, you might be surprised if you allow yourself to be vulnerable and brave. Sometimes opening up whether they've been ignoring the cues or they were just oblivious to your cues, open up the conversation, leads to clarity. Maybe they also feel the same. Or maybe it opens the door to conversations of what you both need to define and make the situationship into something that is secure and worth committing to. So there is actually studies on situationships to support this. There is a study about people who experience positive emotions and are content in situationships. And for that to happen, communication has to occur. They have to talk about shared goals, future plans, and prioritizing the relationship and how this dynamic often shifts from insecurity into something that is more stable. When we were talking about how situationships might be the step towards committed relationships, then make it a step. You keep it ambiguous, this notice me senpai strategy, this mirage of a casual relationship with absolutely no communication, nothing's gonna change, and you are going to be miserable, especially if you caught the feelings. You do have to be vulnerable to shift the dynamic. You have to understand that situationships are built on avoiding intimacy. And if you want something more, you have to do the opposite. You have to risk being seen. And as for the fourth scenario, which I get all the time, dozens and dozens in my office. You start seeing someone casually. But they invite you to their improv show and you meet their friends, you go on trips together, they remember your favorite snack. And when they cuddle, if it just feels like home. And soon you're looking forward to their good morning texts and your biting nails when two days go by without hearing from them. Even though you see that they're watching your stories, you don't tell your friends at first why you're bailing on plans. A two-hour date turns into an eight-hour one. And during pill talk, they tell you about their dreams, and suddenly you're telling your friends about this dreamy mystery person, and then they vanish. No response, no text. Or maybe it's just subtler, but they stop making plans, but they keep watching your stories. Or maybe you see them at events, but they're not talking to you anymore. And eventually you start asking yourself, what is happening? Or maybe you you ask them what's happening. If you get a response, they tell you they're just not ready for commitment. But they're still watching your stories. You don't know whether to cry. You don't know whether to shut down. Maybe you are shutting down. Or tell your friends. I mean, they were just they just heard about this person yesterday. This wasn't supposed to be anything serious, but it didn't feel like nothing serious when you were falling asleep together on FaceTime, or when you were joking about what to name the cats you adopt. And here's the truth that heartbreak is real. What do you do when you find yourself in a situation ship heartbreak? That pain is so real, and it was so irresponsibly inflicted. I I am going to say that, and that can be quite cruel, but it was very irresponsibly inflicted. Just because the relationship was non-committal, it doesn't mean it didn't hurt any less. Even if a part of you knew it might end this way, it doesn't mean it didn't hurt. And again, I love to give my thesis. They're flowers. There is this thesis by Ruthie Stanley Blackwell, published in July 2025. So not that long ago. It was published this year. You have to understand, research on situationships are really recent, as in published this year. When I was finding studies for today's podcast, I found studies that were have only been published for weeks. And this is one of them. So, Ruthie, if you hear this, congratulations. Your thesis is now cited on a podcast. Months later, literally months after it's been published. Congratulations. What actually predicts distress, like how bad a heartbreak is, is your attachment style and coping skills. Yeah. I love this thesis. And I I love that they did this because I was talking about earlier how a lot of times we don't tell our friends about situationships and there's that isolation. And then when we experience this heartbreak that can be world-shattering because of how intense it was telling our friends about that heartbreak or having them empathize with us or get it. A lot of times they don't get it because they just heard about this person. It can feel devaluing. It can feel like it's minimizing it when it can hurt just as much as a long-term committed relationship. It's not the time that determines the heartbreak. It's actually the feelings, the attachment style, and the coping strategies. For example, if you have an anxious attachment style, you check frequently, you look for reassurance, you overanalyze, and you put that person in a situationship with constant ambiguity and inconsistent communication. Of course, that's gonna feel like agony. Afterwards, they may spiral and replay every conversation and reinforcing their fears as if they were true. And to make it worse, many people don't talk about it after because their friends are gonna downplay it. Research shows we really do tend to minimize situationships because of their non-committal labels. But once people hear the full story, they get it. Especially considering that nearly half of millennials and Gen Z have been a situationship. In other words, I'm telling you, you may be going through a really bad heartbreak after this situationship and you didn't tell your friends. But if you tell them the full story, the full scope of the situation, it's very likely they will empathize and they won't downplay it as much as you think it is. So, in other words, I'm trying, I'm telling you to be as vulnerable with your friends as you should have been in that relationship. And so here's my recommendation to my heartbroken heathens. Tell your friends. No, seriously, tell your friends the best way to handle any heartbreak is through social support. Vent, rant, have a BSB night. Because processing pain out loud does de-escalate it. This is what we call co-regulation. And good friends remind us that we are loved, we are valued and worthy. And after something that makes us feel so insignificant, that reminder is exactly what you need right now. I think it's in conversation with our friends that we really start to see ourselves more clearly. They become mirrors, reminding us not only of our worth, but also helping us sort through the big questions. What am I actually looking for in a relationship? Am I ready for a relationship? What do I need in a relationship, even if it's casual? And what do I need to feel safe and seen? It's in those talks that we can name our hard no's and our absolute hell yes. I love that. Our hell yeah. And even our maybes. And then we can ask ourselves: am I okay living with the maybes? Or am I ready to hold out for something clearer, something that feels like limbo, or something that feels more like love? Because at the end of the day, situationships are not just about the other person. It's not about the other person. They're about us. Our choices and our willingness to ask ourselves for the kind of clarity and connection that we deserve.