Living on Incline

#020 Why I Couldn't Face This for 10 Years | Lauren Sisler | PART 2

• Living on Incline • Episode 20

Share episode

Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.

0:00 | 55:35

PART 2

Emmy winning sports reporter Lauren Sisler joins John Eklund on Living on Incline to share the story she hid for a decade. After losing both of her parents to addiction during her freshman year of college, Lauren lived a double life, balancing a high profile career at ESPN and the SEC Network while keeping her family tragedy a secret.

In this deep and moving conversation, Lauren discusses the "sugar coated story" she told herself to survive and why she eventually decided to look at the toxicology reports she feared for years. She explores the power of labels, the reality of addiction in "good families," and how she found freedom by falling in love with her broken story. Her new book, Shatterproof, serves as a guide for others to turn the page and write their own next chapter.

TIMESTAMPS
[01:00:00] Welcome to Living on Incline with host John Eklund
[01:00:40] The "Fancy Pants" podcast joke and redecorating the backdrop
[01:03:15] Lauren's career: Reporter, producer, and the best entrances in college football
[01:08:45] The Secret: "10 years that I refuse to look at the death certificate"
[01:14:20] The police report and the "three typed up paragraphs" that changed everything
[01:21:10] Living in denial: "The sugar coated story" created for sanity
[01:30:45] Breaking the labels: Why society’s definition of an addict is wrong
[01:45:30] The fear of the truth vs. the freedom of acceptance
[02:05:00] Writing the book: Shatterproof
[02:25:15] "To be able to look at my story as something beautiful"
[02:46:13] Final words: "Keep turning the page and keep writing the next chapter"

NOTABLE QUOTES
"10 years. 10 years that I refuse to look at the death certificate and the toxicology reports. I was fearful of what was going to be there."
"I was fearful that now I would have to accept it as truth instead of running with my own little sugar-coated story, which I did for many, many, many, many years."
"My parents were addicts and that they died of overdose because now suddenly they're wearing a label that society has created for them."
"I could not let my parents wear the label because society tells us what addicts are and who they are and who they define."
"As I fall in love with my story, there are things that I don't love about my story, things that I'd rather just light it on fire and throw it away."
"To be able to look at my story as something beautiful, even through all the broken pieces, I have found so much freedom."
"Keep turning the page and keep writing the next chapter, and that's what it's all about."


LINKS & RESOURCES
Shatterproof (Book by Lauren Sisler): https://www.amazon.com/Shatterproof-Overcame-Shame-Losing-Parents/dp/1962802078
Official Website: https://www.laurensisler.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/LaurenSisler
X (Twitter): https://www.twitter.com/LaurenSisler
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/laurensisler
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/LaurenSisler
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@LaurenSisler
Shatterproof Bracelet Collection: https://www.laurensisler.com/my-bracelets
Living on Incline: https://livingonincline.com/

DONATION / SUPPORT
Not mentioned in transcript.

CALL TO ACTION
Please hit the subscribe button and like and all that good stuff, share it. Living on Incline is about stories that embody courage and grace. Help us grow the community by engaging with this episode.



Listen and Follow Living on Incline

Listen on your favorite platform:
Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/living-on-incline/id1828304603
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/78HwNrRWZHGAHL8Zv90nO0?si=e4b5d032e9214deb
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZdyfS2K4OE4WFJRWSuAgsQ
RSS Feed: https://feeds.buzzsprout.com/2521959.rss
Website: https://www.livingonincline.com



Sponsored by Recovery Alive

Living on Incline is proudly sponsored by Recovery Alive, a Christ-centered recovery program helping people find hope, healing, and purpose through authentic community and biblical transformation.

Learn more: https://www.recoveryalive.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/recoveryaliveinc/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/recoveryaliveinc
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@recoveryalive

#LivingOnIncline #LaurenSisler #Shatterproof #AddictionRecovery #OverdoseAwareness #GriefHealing #Resilience #ESPN #SECNetwork #Podcast #HealingJourney #Truth #MentalHealth

Send us Fan Mail

SPEAKER_04

He went home, talked to his father about this ESPN reporter that came to the school and shared her story, and suddenly he stopped like in his tracks, and he says, Son, I was the one that responded to the call that day when her parents died.

SPEAKER_00

Can you walk us through uh that that horrible, horrible day?

SPEAKER_04

I get a phone call in the middle of the night. My parents passed away on March, March 24th of 2003. The information that I had to go off of, uh, basically three typed up paragraphs from a police report.

SPEAKER_00

A good amount of was it how many years where you were like, I don't want to see it?

SPEAKER_04

Ten years that I refused to look at the death certificate and the toxicology reports. I was fearful of what was going to be there. I was fearful that now I would have to accept it as truth instead of running with my own little sugar-coated story, which I did for many, many, many, many years. There were a lot of questions, a lot of black holes, things that like were never answered. Hey, really, going into the depths of that, let me tell you. It took me 19 years to start the process of writing a book. Deputy Twaits, Eric, he was there on my darkest day. Didn't know he was there.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

SPEAKER_04

Didn't find out he was there until 20 years later. And he became such a light and a ray of hope for me. He didn't bring my parents back, right? He he he in a lot of ways became part of the story in that thread of just love and compassion, even though I didn't know him back then.

SPEAKER_00

Hey, life is very difficult sometimes. You could be going through relationship problems, you could be having issues at work, you could be struggling with an addiction, depression, anxiety. Um, there are all kinds of reasons why we struggle. And there aren't a lot of resources out there at times when we need immediate help. Yes, there are therapists, yes, there are psychiatrists, but sometimes those waiting lists are long, and just to reach out to somebody, it can be overwhelming. And so I want to recommend to Recovery Alive. Recovery Alive is this faith-based program that you can immediately engage with a community of people who are going to love you and walk you through your struggle. One of the first things you want to do if you want to get involved in this program is get a hold of the Recovery Alive handbook. You can work on this handbook one-on-one with one safe and supportive person. Or you can get online, uh, recoveryalive.com and get into some of our communities. We have groups of gender-specific recovery 12-step processes that you can walk through with safe and supportive people, connect to those folks. Maybe you're somebody who is trying to get out of a difficult situation, whether you've come out of a rehabilitation uh clinic or um we have folks who are coming out of jails and prisons, we have recovery alive homes, safe transition homes. We have all kinds of programming to help you. But if you're watching this or listening to Living on Incline, connect with Recovery Alive. Get a hold of this book, get a hold of maybe one safe and supportive person. Check out our online programming and get the help that you need and get it today. You don't have to suffer alone.

SPEAKER_04

Let's keep unpacking.

SPEAKER_00

So good, so good, so good. Yeah, and and the vulnerability of writing a book. Um, I've talked to other people who've written books, I've myself put some together. The question I had, like after I got done reading it, that I I if I was gonna ask you one question, and I don't know why this one feels important, but there's the process of healing that happens throughout the counseling. Time has something to do with it, but doesn't heal everything. Working through what happened, and we're gonna talk about that here in a minute, like what actually happened to get to this point of losing your parents and figuring out what happened.

SPEAKER_04

Everybody's gonna be listening to this. Like, are they gonna Are they ever gonna say what happened?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

Okay, wrap it up, John. We're done. Peace out. See ya.

SPEAKER_00

People are like, well, no, they gotta buy the book.

SPEAKER_04

We'll have to figure it out later. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

No, they gotta buy the book. This is actually helping you. Do you see what I'm doing here?

SPEAKER_04

Hopefully, a few folks have have have have already uh have already gone there.

SPEAKER_00

Punch the Amazon, let's go. But this was writing the book itself part of your healing? That's the part I was just super curious about because it just almost felt like you were processing while you're writing it. And I don't know if that's true, but it felt that way. Like that was maybe part of how you uh had some discoveries and got to a place of of acceptance. Um, was the book therapeutic at all? Writing it.

SPEAKER_04

Well, I love that you point out processing as I'm writing it, because I'll be honest with you, John. I am processing as we are speaking right now, which which you know you have to you have to you have to give yourself a pat on the back because that means you're doing your job and you're doing it well.

SPEAKER_00

Well, from an interviewer who uh yes be an interviewer. I'll take it. I'll take it.

SPEAKER_04

As as as the uh the the unpacker of the brain, like, yeah, you're you're doing all the things. You've you've you've got a gift, my friend. Um, I do love conversations like this though, because I love to, I I love to learn as I'm talking. Like I know that I'm I'm kind of you know, we're we're kind of going back and forth, but the this conversation is so profound to me and um it gets me fired up because then I get to go back and listen to this and pull nuggets from this, and I'm like, ooh, this is good. I need to unpack this. Um the processing. But the the the answer to that question is absolutely. So, like when I think about this book, um the journey to get there. Okay, so basically my parents passed away, and I know we're gonna dig into that even more uh in 2003. It took me 19 years to start the process of writing a book. And part of that's like, I've been, I was told for years you need to write a book. And I'm like, how do I even do that? Like, I'm not a novelist, like I don't know how to do that. Um, and so it was kind of a process, and then basically, you know, had a couple opportunities come my way and some doors open, some doors shut, and then really uh, you know, had had um, you know, come into contact with the publisher, you know, a lot of people are going the hybrid route. I'm sure you probably know this, you know, like the hybrid publishing route. And so the process looks a little bit different. Um, but for me, the process was so grounding because I was so involved in every bit of it. Um, I worked with a co-writer named Holland Webb, who is not named on the cover because he said, This is your story. This is your words.

SPEAKER_00

Like cool.

SPEAKER_04

I'm just helping you weave them together. And what a beautiful process that was. And I'll be honest with you, because some people do say, like, you know, do I get a co-writer? Do I get a ghostwriter and all that? And, you know, for me, I didn't want a ghostwriter because I wanted it to be my words, right? Me, me, me, like telling the story. But having the co-writer was so profound and the right co-writer. And at first I was like, you know, because someone actually said to me, they're like, Do you think a male can actually help in that process and capture a voice? And I kind of was like, Oh, I don't know. Let me tell you, it was incredible because first of all, he's just magic, he's just extraordinary. He's got a gift. Um, so shout out to Holland out there. Um, you know, he's a freelance writer and he does uh he's written a couple of books, but not a ton of long form stuff. So this was actually a great fun project for both of us. This is not someone that's been churning out books for years and years. And um, so that that was kind of the cool part is we got to sit down and like take this piece of clay and like mold it. And I think what what I found in the process, had I not had him there to ask questions, and and we're talking about questions that dig deep. It's easy to just, and that's what I love about our conversation because I feel like you and I are digging deep. It's easy to just ask the status quo, like what happened? You know, how did you feel? Da-da-da-da-da. No, we literally dug deep. And and this is what came from it. And and I didn't even realize it when I started the process.

SPEAKER_00

Recovering marriage is a game changer if you want to evaluate your marriage, or simply drink. If you want to take your marriage from good to great, or if your marriage is real trouble. Either way, recovering marriage can be extremely beneficial. One of the ways that you can use this resource, recovering marriage, is you can get involved in our online recovery. You had to say, I don't want to see it online. You said I don't want to do a church. I want to take care of it. How many years? Where you're like, I don't want to see our leadership material, how to run your recovering to look at the group in your church. I'm gonna touch the chance of recovering marriage. And I'm telling you, we're everything we've heard about this. Now I would have to accept it. That was a big part of it. Oh, by the way, I'm a support of recovering marriage. Also are having here we go. Your turn really interested going into the depth of that, let me tell you. For us and lead an entire day of working 12th commitment and your turn healing, still in the process. We are processing Amazon as well. Sure. Uh the 12th commitment, changing. Really together.

SPEAKER_04

Check it in on this investigative journey. And what's crazy is the timing of it, uh, how it all came to fruition when it did, and the pieces that came together when they did. Because again, you're talking about three paragraphs to outline the tragic night that my parents died.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

And so there were people that were there. I was not there. My brother was not there. There were a lot of questions, a lot of black holes, things that like were never answered. And then I had by this point, when I started writing that book, was like, it is what it is. I'll never, I'll never know. But then this the this miraculous thing happens in which I this is crazy. Um, and now we're gonna back into the story because people are like, is she get to it everybody?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, perfect.

SPEAKER_04

But I am now, you know, uh 20. We we just surpassed the 23-year mark of since my parents passed away. And March, March 24th of 2003 was when they passed away. What's crazy is I spoke at my high school. So I've been on this speaking circuit, and we talked about this advocacy work that I do as it pertains to addiction. And I go speak at my school, and I'm talking to like eighth through twelfth graders. Uh, sometimes a tough crowd.

SPEAKER_00

You probably know when you have to the worst. I mean, not they're great. It's just I I'm more nervous talking to kids that put me in front of a hundred high schoolers and I'm losing my like I'm I'm about to lose it. Put me in front of a bunch of adults, I'm fine.

SPEAKER_04

And you're like, oh my gosh, like half of them aren't paying attention. Like, what's going on here? Are they listening? Do they care? But I will say I had a lot of engagement and I think it helps. I went back to my high school, like I, you know, gave them the picture of who I was, where I came from, like, drew it all out for them. And it's just crazy because there was a student, an eighth grader, that was in that school, which by the way, I had to delay it a year because of COVID. So had this student not have been in there, he would have been in seventh grade, he never would have heard me speak, and this next thing never would have happened, which was um he went home, talked to his father about this ESPN reporter that came to the school and shared her story and suddenly he stopped, like in his tracks, and he says, Son, I was the one that responded to the call that day when her parents died. He was there, boots on the ground, on the front lines, witnessing what unfolded. And he became a key piece to this entire this entire story.

SPEAKER_00

Huge. And you talk about that in the book, actually.

SPEAKER_04

That that can be bookend, yeah. I mean, he is the bookend to my story. And it and we started the process 19 years in, and it was that that thing that happened um that then became and I'm even thinking about it now because when I started that process, uh yeah, that was in the like I had just met him. Wow, and then um, because that was that would have been I have to go back and do do the math on everything, but that would have been in the fall. And then we started the book writing process like that January. And like we had already been in talks and that thing hadn't happened. Um if I would Deputy Twaits, Eric, um now a dear friend and someone I I consider family, he and his wife and his kids. Uh they were there, he was there on my darkest day. Didn't know he was there, right? Didn't find out he was there until 20 years later.

SPEAKER_00

That's amazing. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

And he became such a light and a ray of hope for me. And it wasn't he he didn't bring my parents back, right? He he he he in a lot of ways became part of the story in that thread of just love and compassion, even though I didn't know him back then. And it took two decades for us to actually meet in person.

SPEAKER_00

That's uh how everything came together. It's not coincidence. Obviously, you are a believer and you see God's uh fingerprints and footprints, which is your favorite um poem. Um, I think you you have it everywhere. I'll I'm surprised it's not hanging behind you. Um I know.

SPEAKER_04

Now you made me think, like, I gotta get it somewhere. You gotta have it back there.

SPEAKER_00

But could you um could I I know it's such a painful thing, but you've you've talked about it. Um, it's part of the advocacy work of what actually happened with your folks. You're if it's okay, we just take us back to that that day that you're you're at Rutgers, you're uh a five nine gymnast, uh making your case for hey man, I I yeah you were just gritty, uh fought through injuries, um, just there's so many reasons why you you shouldn't make it, but you were killing it. At Rutgers, you had a just a found a family there. Um and and then you you get a a phone call. Um can you walk us through uh that that horrible, horrible day?

SPEAKER_04

Yeah. So, you know, Rutgers obviously became my home. I was living the dream, and not only my dream, but also my parents' dream, right? So we talk about that love that they had for for me and and my brother and and us growing up. Gymnastics was like my sport. And I wanted to earn a college scholarship, yes, because five foot nine. So I was five's seven when I got to Rutgers, ironically, and then grew two inches, which does not happen as females. We're usually done growing.

SPEAKER_00

That's a wild.

SPEAKER_04

And the fact that I got to Rutgers and was still growing is is just beyond me. Um, and the doctors too. They were just like, wait, what? That's real. So I get to Rutgers, I'm living my dream, living my parents' dream on scholarship, doing doing life. And um I get a phone call in the middle of the night. Uh, this was my second semester of my freshman year. And what's what's crazy is there was a phone call that happened prior to that, um, before I went to bed. I actually not a day went by that I didn't call and talk to my parents. I was so close with my parents, obviously. And when I went to Rutgers, I was eight hours from home, you know, not a stone's throw away. So I wasn't able to see my parents, uh, of course, uh a lot. But we maintain open communication every single day. And you hear about kids, they go off to college and they're like, Oh, I'll get I'll talk to mom and dad, you know, when when I can. But for me, it was an everyday thing. And I talked to my mom and dad on the phone, and it really was uh, you know, just a good casual conversation, nothing out of the ordinary, talking about gymnastics, talking about school. And I do remember specifically, my dad had just celebrated his 52nd birthday, and I'd sent him a birthday card, and you know, I was just kind of encouraging him, and and we were talking a little bit about life, and I was disappointed because it was the first time in like my entire life I wasn't there to celebrate. And I remember him saying, like, hey, you're gonna be home, we're gonna celebrate. We got all summer long. And then I love you, goodbye, that was it. Um, hung up the phone as if life was just cruising along. And then I went to sleep that night and woke up to that phone call that you mentioned um from my dad. And of course, when I looked at the caller ID, I was so confused because it's 3 a.m. It's like middle of the night. Like, why are mom and dad calling me at home? And when I answered the phone, it was my dad. And he said, um, hey, I need to talk to your brother. I need his phone number. And I was just like, okay, you know, let me find his phone number. And I could tell he was a little distraught. So, you know, my kind of my first thought was like, maybe something's wrong with my brother. He was uh parachute rigger in the Navy, he was stationed in Norfolk, Virginia. And I just kind of thought, like, something maybe is going on with him, who knows? And so my dad said, I'll call you right back after I gave him my brother's phone number. Um, and within 30 seconds, that phone rings again and I answer, and that's when my dad told me that my mom died. And I was just like shocked, like, what? And it I I'm sitting in my bed, just like so confused. And of course, a million miles away from home. What happened, dad? What happened? You know, and he just said, I can't explain it now. I need you to get on the next plane. You can, and I'll be at the airport to pick you up. And I'm 18 years old. But let me put this out there, John. I literally had like $50 in my bank account, not enough to get a plane ticket. But I was very fortunate to have an amazing roommate who just jumped right in. She helped me like navigate this very emotional, challenging few hours of getting a plane ticket, calling the airlines, because this is before Uber. This is before you get on an app and book a flight within a minute, right? Like I'm on a hold for 30 minutes, I'm waiting for them to answer. I finally get through. I can't afford a plane ticket home. She used her emergency credit card. A dear friend of mine, Craig, had a car on campus. I didn't have one. He drove me to the airport. We get there. I get on that plane, and I knew like I was just yearning for like my dad's embrace. Like just for him to help me make sense of it all and know that everything was gonna be okay. And um, I remember just when my plane touched down, I run outside after I grabbed my bags and I'm looking everywhere for my dad. And and and remember, we lived in rural Virginia. My parents didn't have a cell phone. I finally had just gotten a cell phone um late when I was in high school, early college. And um, you know, the cell phone back then you had to pay by the minute, right? So you weren't using that unlimited plan and none of that mess. And so it was like you use your cell phone when you need it. Uh, but I hadn't talked to my dad because he had to go to the hospital and take care of things. He was in and out of the house. And so um, I hadn't talked to him from the time that I he hung up the phone and said, get on the next plane. And so when I get home and I grab my bags and I run outside, you know, this is a pretty small airport. So I'm looking around and my uncle and my cousin pull up, my my uncle Mike and my cousin Justin. And of course, I'm very confused, and I'm like, why are they here? But I'm also relieved because it's like familiar faces, like people that I know. And so I'm like kind of a sigh of relief because I'm thinking, all right, let's get in the car, let's go see my dad. Like, that's all I wanted to do. Like, just get me to my dad now, as quick as we can get there. And as we start to drive, like nobody says anything. And so I'm like, okay, it's just silence. Everybody's obviously sad and mourning. And then finally I worked up the courage to to to ask my uncle Mike. I said, Uncle Mike, I just want to see my dad. Where's my dad? And that's when he pulled the car off to the side of the road, and he said to me, Lauren, I'm sorry, but your your dad's passed away too. And I just remember sitting there. I mean, I could feel the gravel underneath the car as he puts it in park and he and he says that to me. And I'm sitting in the backseat of that car, and it was just like what world am I living in right now? Like, this just can't be right. This is a nightmare. This is this is this everything right here. This is just this, this can't be happening. And um that was when I had to start facing the reality that my parents were dead and they weren't coming back. And now I was gonna have to figure out this new life, this new reality without my two best friends, the two people that literally until the day that I left for college would tuck me in at night, we would say our prayers, and they would always just, you know, be there. And they were gone.

SPEAKER_00

Added to all of that is what happened, the mystery of this horrific tragedy is that there was a lot of questions regarding like not only like I've got to deal with this grief, but like what happened? What is going on? And you just didn't have a lot of answers. But even reading the story, it's kind of like you're going, there's something going on here, and I'm missing it. Um take me through that process of going, like, I'm dealing with the grief. I've just lost my two best friends, but like, I don't know what, I don't know what happened. I don't even know how to how do you get any kind of closure on for the start of this process of grief? And you just like, I don't, I don't have the answers of what happened.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, I think that's the crazy part too, is because um, you know, as Holland and I were going back, because I really had to like dig dig back because the the moments that day is is very prominent in my mind. But as you know, and you you probably understand the intricacies of this from a medical standpoint of how our brain processes things, like it's like snapshots. Like I got a snapshot and then it's like black hole, and then a snapshot, and then black hole.

SPEAKER_00

And yeah, crystal clear. I remember the gravel under the tires, which is trauma. It's like my body remembers that piece, but then it's like there's days I don't remember in that process. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, yeah. And I'm just like, and so that one kind of question came up is like, well, the immediate reaction response is, well, what happened? Right? You want to know this tragic thing happens. I get a call, my mom's dead, and within hours, my dad's dead too. Like, what happened? And I think the the hard thing to process, and something that you know I've had to sit with and understand as I reflect on that time is why did I not have a clear answer? Why was I not given a clear answer? Why did I not find a clear answer? And it was twofold. I think number one, you know, we had to wait for the coroner and the toxicology reports and everything to come back. They had a 90-day window to get it done. Guess what? 90 days it took for them to make their determination and understand what happened. The other piece of that, I think, is the protection piece. And, you know, we talked about Auntie Linda before and just the love that she gave to me. And so it wasn't so much about, hey, let's figure out what happened. We're gonna jump right ahead to let's figure out how we're going to survive.

SPEAKER_00

Right. Which was an extremely important question. Like, how am I gonna make it? Yeah. Cause you're like you say, you have 50 bucks to your name, you're at college. Yeah, what what is life gonna look like not down the road, but like tomorrow? I have no, I I went from two parents to no parents. Like, what does my life look like?

SPEAKER_04

Yeah. And so that is really where you we we we just skip ahead to that part of it. But I think the protection piece does come in because I had drawn up this narrative and it was getting bits and pieces from different people and choosing what I wanted to hear, choosing what I wanted to acknowledge, choosing what I was going to accept and what I wasn't going to accept. And that was, well, my mom was taking a lot of medication, but never was I going to use the word addiction. No, no, no, no. My mom was taking a lot of medication, and after long-term use of that medication, her body shut down. My mom had respiratory failure. Her body shut down because the medication, it was just, she just had taken too much over a long period of time. So I understood it as mom died of respiratory failure. But then comes the question well, what about your dad? How did your dad die? Like it that it kind of seems nearly impossible that like this whole thing could happen within hours of each other and just a coincidence, and I would lean into my dad had a heart attack. Because, you know, he actually did have, you know, the cholesterol, the blood pressure, heart disease running on his side of the family. And in my mind growing up, I'd always thought, you know, if I get that phone call, I was always thinking it would probably be my dad, you know, just from a health standpoint. Um and the this idea of like a heart attack. So I had kind of latched onto that because in my mind it was like, well, with a heart attack, your heart stops. His heart stopped. But I wasn't tracing it back to the fact that he too had respiratory failure, coincidentally, like my mom. And that respiratory failure was tied to what? And it was the drug use. And so in my mind, saying those things out loud when people would ask was the way I could protect myself and draw up this narrative, even in my mind. And this was not even something I was thought I was falsifying. I was telling it as it as I understood it because I made sure that the narrative that I knew and that I was going to continue to share and and run with was coincided with this idea of my parents being amazing human beings, loving human beings, um, never would leave us intentionally, never would do anything to hurt themselves or to hurt us. Um so there was no way that I could come to terms with the fact that my parents were full-blown addicts and chose through their addiction to take the medication that they were prescribed and put it in the freezer. And this specific prescription was my mom's fentanyl. So uh they had been prescribed various medications throughout um the course of several years. My mom had digitative disc disease, my dad had chronic back pain, going to a pain management doctor and what started off with uh 90 days supply of oxycontin is what they were both getting in the mail every day.

SPEAKER_02

In the mail.

SPEAKER_04

In the mail. 90 days 90 days. Because my dad worked for the government, he worked for the VA, he had uh, you know, medical benefits through the VA. And that was the whole thing. Save money, we'll give you a 90-day supply. Here you go. So they were both operating with all this medication. I mean, I'm talking pill bottles staffed in the cabinets.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_04

All prescribed to them, none of them were illegal, right? And all were within date, you know, everything was was there. Um, but eventually my mom couldn't manage the oxycontin anymore. So her her pain management doctor put her on fentanyl, the pain patch, the time release pain patch. And eventually that wasn't enough.

SPEAKER_00

Right.

SPEAKER_04

And so that's when my parents, uh, my dad read online that you could take the pain patch, put it in the freezer, and that you could cut it open and and and suck the gel out and get the immediate high from the drug versus the time release component. And um I think that's the part that I struggled with because I could not come to grips with the this idea that my parents were addicts and that they died of overdose. Because now suddenly they're wearing a label that society has created for them. And I I just I couldn't go there.

SPEAKER_00

And that's I mean, so you're dealing with denial, which is the first stage of grief anyway. You're dealing with denial about what actually happened, the story, what how it relates to you, the image it creates. It's just it it is a monster of denial that you understandably are going, like, I got I've got to keep this story in order to keep my sanity. I this story has to be what I create it to be, or I will lose my mind, the way people look at me, whatever. And that's why that statement about your loving your story is so huge, is that some part of you said, I need to know the truth. It took time, but my gosh, what you've been through. Holy smokes, what you've been through. That narrative over time, you're like, I I just it's not real, it's not true. Um why did you challenge the narrative? What what would cause you to go like, I I can't live with this narrative anymore?

SPEAKER_04

I mean, I think that, you know, the the narrative that I set forth is this idea of legacy, and my parents were I put my parents on a pedestal. Let's let's put it right there. Like that, that is absolutely what it did. They were on a pedestal, they could do no wrong, they were my everything. And so I wasn't going to tarnish that reputation and that legacy for them. So it was this idea of let's just stick with this. And it and so much so that even my my trainer back at Rutgers, who is a medical professional, would never question me when people she would hear me all the time when people would ask what would happen, you know, and and the conversations around the gym after everything unfolded. I was very quick to jump on that narrative of mom died of respiratory failure, dad died of a heart attack. And she never questioned it. Cause who was she to question it? And I asked her now in the book process, like years later, like as a medical professional, like, why did you never like say anything? Like, and she said, because where how is it my place to stop you and say, no, Mauri, this is actually what happened, this is actually how it happened. Um because at that point, you know, uh and as you know, like my life felt like it came to a halt, screeching. Whereas everybody else's life, they've moved on, like they're they're continuing to move on every single day. And and I mean, I'm I'm working on trying to move on and continuing to move on, but it it obviously is a process. And so for years it was like I could not let my parents wear the label. I could not let my parents wear the label because society tells us what addicts are and who they are and who they define. And the and and the it's a it's a profile, right? And I'm like, well, my parents aren't any of those things, right? They're educated, they're loving, they're compassionate, like they, they, they, they participate in life, you know, they're good people, like we're we're we're God loving people, like what? And that's where you know, I I I just could not come to grips with it. And so for years, literally, I believed it for years and years and years. And my auntie Linda would try to tell me lovingly the truth. She would try to, you know, because she would hear me, like when people would ask me, she'd hear me in the other room or hear me tell, you know, some random grocery store attendant, you know, whoever it is, this story, you know, if it would come up in conversation. And I think she got to a point where she's like, you know, I can't, I can't protect her from this forever. And even though she knew the truth, she waited until it felt like the right time. Because let me tell you, John, like it was like fisti-cuffs. Like, I was ready to fight her every time she would, she would, you know, talk about my parents.

SPEAKER_00

And she had to be parent, she had to be mom. She had to take on that role, yeah. Which was challenging.

SPEAKER_04

Was challenging. And she was walking through her own challenges and her own struggles, her own grief while also picking up all the pieces. And I just I I felt like she was attacking my parents. No, yeah, that's you that you're attacking them. Um, that's not what happened. That's not true. And then she would just take a step back, take a pause, and let it rest, right? And then eventually over time, it was like those. I kind of I kind of talk about this brick wall that I put up. You know, I built up this brick wall of protection, and brick by brick, she slowly pulled each brick away. And ultimately we got to this place where she helped me to realize like, your parents aren't defined by how they die, but by how they live their lives. And that is something that I have really leaned into beautiful of recognizing that like their legacy is not, is not their untimely death to overdose. Like, that is not their legacy. It is part of who they were, it is part of their story, it is part of the struggles and the challenges that they faced. But that's one thing I encourage people, like, you've got to honor the struggle because let's face it, like, struggle is real, it's there, it's here to stay, it will, it will live with you forever. Okay. So you can't outrun it. You might as well lean in and attack it. And that is where I think over the course of time, as I matured, as I lived more life, um, I started this thought, like I hated running from the truth. And I hated putting up this facade because again, I was shackled to the shame. Deep down I knew, and so as I started to learn the truth, like deep down I knew I was like, I I I'm not naming this what it is, and and I've got to do something with it. And so that process just starts to to to unfold. And um, you talk about it.

SPEAKER_00

You've been you've been doing you've been doing it ever since. You've been doing it ever since.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

You've written, you've written the book.

SPEAKER_04

Well, that's it.

SPEAKER_00

You're here now talking about this now, writing the book. You're yeah, uh overdose advocacy. You're just involved in so many different uh partnerships. People know your story because you don't just preach like, hey, love your story. Like you're you're living that to go, like I'm gonna I'm embracing the reality that my parents were addicts, but that's not the story. That's not the whole story. It's the way they lived their life, not how they died. That's a great man, uh that's a great legacy. And so um I'm gonna make people have to like go and really hear the whole story um through your book. And um I I know we're I I took way more interesting. Everybody's gonna have a million more questions, which is why they gotta go buy the book.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, which is good because it does, it does outline a lot of things, and as you mentioned, the childhood and the the lack of boundaries, and and I do feel like there's a lot that people can relate to, whether it's addiction, everybody experiences shame, right? Shame is is is a universal uh you know experience for everybody. And so my hope is that this book meets you where you're at. So whether it's addiction or something else in your life that has created and manifested shame, I think that you can take something from it and and learn um, you know, hopefully some tools, but really just the importance of processing, the importance of understanding and the importance of falling in love with your story. And I think that that um is is my goal. And uh, you know, even even even this book, however many pages, 200 plus pages, it is a fast read. Um, also there's an audio book for those that like to listen instead of read that I do narrate. So that's helpful. Um But there, you know, there's just so many questions. And once again, you know, I feel like that the the the the process of this journey in getting to the book, I'm not done processing. Right. We're processing right now how we're while we're talking. But I I do feel like this is an opportunity for folks to really um kind of sit with themselves and have internal conversations with themselves as they're as they're reading my story and being able to apply that in their lives in some way.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

And then hopefully being able to work through that and see the significance and importance of being able to just tackle that shame and loosen its grip on your life.

SPEAKER_00

So good. I when my mom passed away, she died in a car accident uh 25, 30 years ago. And she when she passed, I I picked up a book called A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis. And why that book was so impactful to me is because it was it wasn't academic. Yeah, C. S. Lewis is a genius, brilliant Oxford professor, all that stuff. But he didn't do that. He didn't go into it going like here's what grief looks like. He went into it talking about the process of him losing his wife. He was it was a just a book about him basically journaling how upset he was with God, how f how tortured he was at losing his his his this love that he finally found. And it was just so helpful for me to just hear somebody get honest in a very like again, vulnerable, raw way about what this experience looked like and what a gift that somebody like yourself would say, let me open myself up so you can look at this thing that you might be going through, this just this horrible experience you might go be going through. Let me just give you this gift of what I went through and do it in a way that's just like you even talk about your frustration like with the problem of pain. Like the God question is like, how could a loving God do something like that? You know, some of that stuff that people all struggle with and work through. And so what a gift this book is. And yeah, people need to understand the opioid epidemic, what that actually looked like, that it's it's not people shooting up in the streets and stuff, it's just it's it's your your parents, it's people who get who have back pain and how horrible that epidemic was, that their people are getting prescribed this at the VA with their pain scale saying, like, you know, hey, I'm a you know, I'm a 10 on the pain scale. I need medication and how all that stuff came together to create this. It's just such a gift. This book is such a gift. I I highly recommend it. And thank you for writing it, and thank you for Being so vulnerable here and saying, like, I'm still in process because people in recovery need to know. Like it's just a lifestyle. Processing is a lifestyle. This work of surrender again. We say surrender is a lifestyle. It's just surrendering again. I can't control this life. I'm powerless. God help me. I gotta, you know, lean into him every day. And it I see you doing that. And it's very inspiring. Lauren, thank you so much. Thank you.

SPEAKER_04

I appreciate it. And this has been such a great conversation. We know we might need to take this show on the road.

SPEAKER_00

Like I'm saying, like this should not be our only conversation.

SPEAKER_04

No. And I feel like that we could like do live versions of this and like really just unpack the brain like on stage.

SPEAKER_00

Like let's move in on rooms.

SPEAKER_04

I mean, I think there's just so much to be learned here. And again, work in progress always. Um, but this is like one of my one of my things that I've really enjoyed doing and and maybe something that I encourage and hope others will find, you know, because there is this stigma, of course, that comes with like, let me go see my therapist. Like, literally, I I I have no problem announcing it to people. When people are, I got an appointment to I gotta go see my therapist, gotta go see my therapist. That's awesome.

SPEAKER_00

That is so cool.

SPEAKER_04

She's my ace man, and I love her. But I will say, you know, I think that I've come what I've come to love about those sessions, like, and we all can say this, like sometimes I'll walk in there, like, I ain't got nothing to talk about today, and all of a sudden it's like boom, those are the big days, right? Yeah, it's like okay. Um, but I think what I love even more is the why, right? And understanding it. So it's it's okay, you know, there's some days where it's really just um, you know, getting to the root of the emotion and the things that I'm feeling, but then also understanding the why. And so then it becomes a, you know, hey, next time let's let's focus on really digging deeper on this thing. And then all of a sudden I've got like my notes out, and I'm like taking notes, and it's so awesome. Because I think that that piece of it is so important because now I find myself, and not that I'm uh, you know, uh, you know, anyway trained in in that profession. But sometimes those lived experiences are the things that I can give to people. And so even if I'm running at the gym and I happen on a conversation with a friend or, you know, one of my my colleagues and they're walking through something, it's it's taking what I've learned and the work that I've done, because John, you said that earlier, work, right? It is work, like as we're processing, it is work. Yeah, it is day-to-day, every day work, work, work. But in that work, but why why keep all of that to myself when I can maybe shed a little light on something? And and that's that is always my goal and encouragement. And I I always say, hey, we're gonna throw out the comparisons because people love to be like, well, you know, my situation is not as bad as yours. And I'm like, nope, no, no, no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_00

Like right, right, right.

SPEAKER_04

Your situation and what you're experiencing is valid in every respect. Okay. And so my experience is my experience, your experience is your experience, but there's a connection here and a connector that we can learn from one another and what we walk through and those experiences. And that's why our stories are what connect us, our stories, and when we can learn to love those and lean into them, we can use those to help others to build trust, to build connection. And that's what I love, whether it's in the the the private personal space or that connection that you can build with your colleagues, uh, you know, as as as team leaders, um, you know, it that is such an important piece to all this. And so that is where um I just hope to give that gift to other people. And um, you know, it's just important to me to be able to do that. And so uh, you know, all of this is not in vain. And I feel like now I'm honoring, you know, my mom and my dad and now my brother and this work that I'm doing because I feel like um, you know, they're right here alongside me. And uh there was a time where I thought that it it would be a total shame that I was doing what I was doing and sharing their story. And now I just feel them just, you know, like applauding, applauding this and knowing that their legacy does live on and that they're helping people uh even even from up in the heavens above, you know?

SPEAKER_00

They are and that you are step 12, we summarize it by saying you can't keep it unless you give it away. And that's what you're doing, is you are giving it away because you want to keep it, you want to keep going, you want to keep healing. And so I want to give just the give you the last word. And if you could look at that person right now, um, and you could give somebody a word of encouragement who might be going through something similar, who's struggling with shame, struggling with that, like I can't ever tell my story. It's just too jacked up, I'm too broken. Um, there's somebody watching or listening right now who just needs that word of encouragement. What would you tell somebody who's just living in that shame that you were living in? How would you encourage them?

SPEAKER_04

You know, I think I I take this, um, and I get this question a lot, is you know, uh, and and this is not all about the book by any means, but this idea of being shatterproof, um, like where did that come from, right? Like shatterproof. Like why why shatterproof? And you know, I'll be honest, obviously, it was uh coming up with titles is very hard. Um, and it it took it took a village to to kind of iron that out. But a dear friend of mine, uh Gary Schneeberger, um is a is is has become a dear friend of mine, and he's a just a PR just he just gets it. And we just kind of were going back and forth and and obviously um trying to determine like what direction do we go. And uh this idea of shatterproof came up because he said, Look, Lauren, like basically someone or something took a baseball bat to your life, shattered it into a million pieces, but through your resilience, through the human spirit, the grit, the determination, you refused to allow that to define you. And instead, you took those pieces that were shattered sitting by your feet, and you have constructed a life of joy and purpose, right? It is it is possible for everybody. And so my encouragement in this idea of shatter proof, no, it is not that we never break, it's that we learn what to do with the pieces when, not if, but when we do. And so I think about as we reconstruct our lives after heartbreak, devastation, failure, missed opportunities, poor choices. We we we've all been there and we're all walking through it. We construct this life and as we piece it back together, you're always gonna see the cracks and the glue, right? You're always gonna see that. But that the the the cracks aren't a symbol of weakness. To me, those cracks signify strength, they signify um life and proof that we've lived, and proof that we've fought, and proof that we are still fighting every single day. And that to me is it becomes so profound because it's an illustration that I feel like everybody can envision. And so that is just my encouragement to those of you that are walking through something. Um never diminish what it is that you're walking through. Never, never say, you know, well, mine's mine's not this, mine's not that. No, it is it it is valid, you're walking through it. Um you got you gotta step into that. And then being able to take that and recognize that like this is not a sign of weakness that you are able to pick up those pieces and that it is proof that you are living and that you have lived. Now go do something, you know? And and maybe that starts right here in this moment with you and yourself, and then um, you know, being able to navigate that and find your way. And um I love how you tie that to the 12th step because I think that is so important, and that then becomes the gift that you can give to other people. And so, you know, being able to construct that life can be the gift that you need for yourself, for your family, for those you love, for those that are relying on you every single day. Um, and by all means give yourself grace along the way.

SPEAKER_00

Mm-hmm. So good. Laura. I, I, I I cannot thank you enough. And I just owe you a thousand apologies for how long we kept you here. But uh selfish sales.

SPEAKER_04

I owe I owe the people listening. I said, hope, hopefully, uh, you know, but this is this is good, um, this is good drive time material too.

SPEAKER_00

That's exactly right. It's beautiful. What a beautiful story. Incredible, incredible book that you've put together. Please go grab this and get on Amazon all platforms. You can listen to it as well. And uh we are living.

SPEAKER_04

You look at your watch right there. It says it's time to stand up. You see that? It's telling you it's time to stand up.

SPEAKER_00

You're paying attention. Read my mate.

SPEAKER_03

I am paying attention. I get that notification too. It's time to stand up.

SPEAKER_00

I do, because I'm a little as a as a therapist, I'm a little, yeah, I sit in my chair a lot. You know, I'm uh so it's it is time to stand up. Thank you so much, Lauren. You are an inspiration. Uh, this is Living Einkline, and uh, you're the exact kind of guest that uh this this podcast embodies, somebody who wakes up every day and says, Man, what's the new challenge? I'm ready, bring it. I can get nervous, feel the fear, do it anyway. You uh embody courage and grace and um ongoing advocacy. Thank you so very much. And uh again, please hit the subscribe button and uh like and all that good stuff, share it. And uh Lauren, thank you so much. Let's do this again. I love the idea of going on the road. Let's take it on the road, let's do it. All right, God bless you guys, thank y'all. That's how we start. That's how we start the contract.

SPEAKER_03

That is where it'll be in the contract.

SPEAKER_00

Okay.

SPEAKER_03

Cover one in the contract.

SPEAKER_00

Hey y'all, God bless you, thank you for joining us. Hey, thanks again for joining us on Living on Incline, sponsored by Recovery Life. Would you do us a favor and just hit that subscribe button, share with your friends, and again, we want to explore our full God-given potential and see what we are capable of. So again, hit that subscribe button and thank you so much for joining us on Living on Incline.