Sex After Menopause; Why It's Not Just A "Her" Problem - Isiah McKimmie

Isiah McKimmie is one of Australia's most sought-after couples therapists and sexologists — Masters-qualified, Gottman-trained, the person other therapists go to when they need a second opinion. In this episode, Danielle and Isiah get into what actually happens to desire, intimacy and identity during perimenopause — the pain that goes unspoken, the desire that shows up in dreams but nowhere else, and the very real grief of feeling disconnected from your own body. They also unpack something rarely talked about: menopause isn't just a “her” issue. Men go through their own version too, and it's reshaping relationships in ways most couples never see coming.

KEY TAKEAWAYS FROM THIS EPISODE

●      Menopause rarely creates problems in a relationship out of nowhere — it tends to surface what's already been sitting there, sometimes for years.

●      Desire in women is often responsive, not spontaneous — brakes (stress, exhaustion, feeling touched-out) need to come off before accelerators (novelty, connection, touch) can work.

●      Menopause is not just a women's issue. Andropause is real, and erectile dysfunction rates rise sharply with age — by 50 there's already a 50% chance of experiencing it.

●      Reclaiming your sensual self is partly an individual responsibility, but left unaddressed it becomes a shared relationship issue too — it's not an either/or.

●      Couples can and do maintain satisfying intimacy well into their 70s, 80s and beyond — it just requires learning new skills and communicating openly as the body changes.

TWO THINGS TO SIT WITH

First: if you've been carrying this like it's yours to fix, it's worth asking whether you've actually looked at the relationship as a whole, not just your hormones.

Second: we spend a lot of energy waiting to feel like our old sensual selves again — but that's not coming back, not because it's gone, but because we can only move forward into whatever this next version looks like.

FAQs

Is perimenopause solely to blame for relationship problems?

Not usually. Isiah's clinical experience is that menopause tends to surface issues that were already present in a relationship, often for years, rather than creating them from scratch.

Can couples still have a satisfying sex life after menopause?

Yes. Isiah has worked with couples well into their 70s and 80s who report their most satisfying intimacy yet — it just often looks different to what it did in their 20s and 30s.

Is “andropause” or “manopause” a real thing?

Yes. Men experience their own hormonal and identity shifts in midlife, including a sharply rising likelihood of erectile dysfunction with age, and this is rarely spoken about alongside women's menopause.

RESOURCES & LINKS

For Isiah - 

●      Website - Isiah McKimmie — Couples Therapist & Sexologist

●      Instagram - @isiahmckimmie.sexologist

For Danielle - 

●   Website - Danielle Colley

●   Instagram - @iamdaniellecolley

Books mentioned - 

●      Come As You Are - Emily Nagoski

If this episode stirred something up for you or your relationship, don't just process it with your girlfriends over wine — go have the actual conversation, with your partner. And if you know someone who needs to hear this, send them the episode.

Got a question or a story you want covered on the show? 
Email bigstuffpod@gmail.com or get in touch on insta.