S2, Ep7: Domestic Partners

In this episode of HR Peep Show, hosts AnnE Diemer, Claire Baker, and Krista Lane pull back the curtain on domestic partnerships and why your employer even gets to ask about your relationship status. We dig into the tax and benefits distinctions between marriage and domestic partnership, the awkward questions we sometimes have to ask, and how we try to handle those conversations with honesty and respect. Tune in for practical advice and hot takes to help build sustainable, people-driven companies.

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Transcript

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S2, Ep7: Domestic Partners - Show Notes & Transcript

Acknowledgments

This episode was produced by Claire Baker, and it is hosted by AnnE Diemer, Claire Baker, and Krista Lane. It was edited by Content Club Chicago. Music was composed for the Royalty Free Music Library by Rik Pfenninger. 

We also thank our friends who gave feedback on early takes of episode 1, and those we spoke to about making a podcast— especially Kamrin Klauschie, Kevin Landucci, and Jenna Lane for their invaluable expertise and advice.

Listener Support

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Additional Reading and References

Materials we recommend and/or links referenced in the episode, if you want to keep nerding out on this topic:

• Domestic partnership FAQ for California

Accessibility note

This transcript is auto-generated and lightly edited, so it may contain small errors. If you're using it for accessibility and something is unclear or affecting your understanding of the episode, please reach out to team@hrpeepshow.com and we'll help sort it out.

Transcript

Krista Lane: 

Welcome to HR Peep Show, where we pull back the curtain of life and human resources in the United States. I'm AnnE Diemer. I'm Claire Baker. I'm Krista Lane. And we are your hosts. We may be new to podcasting, but not when it comes to people work. We are each fractional consultants at the intersection of people and operations with a collective several decades of experience both in-house and consulting under our belts.

Claire Baker: 

Today we're peeking behind the HR curtain to learn about domestic partnership and why your HR department thinks it's their business what kind of partner that you have. And so I will start by asking each of you how has this come up in your lives and careers? And what are domestic partnerships and why should anybody's job care about whether you're in one?

Krista Lane: 

Okay, so I first thought about this in my 20s, early 20s, before that healthcare act that let students stay on their parents'.

Claire Baker: 

The Affordable Care Act?

Krista Lane: 

Yeah, that one. Anyway, I was in my 20s and aged out of that before it was passed. But anyway, so you know, I'm getting close to the end of graduation of college, and the like my roommate was a year ahead of me, who was also my best friend. You know, we were like, what, like, what do I do? I can't possibly afford the Cobra payment to stay on this insurance after I graduate. I'm just gonna go without insurance. Like that was my plan because it was like more than my rent. Um, and at some point we were like, well, maybe we should talk about domestic partnership. Like, we live together in another state, we'd be common law married already. Like, maybe this is worth checking out. And we didn't end up going through with it, but we did seriously consider it and like look at what it would entail. Um, and anyway, it was a whole it was a whole thing. So that's that was my fun anecdote about domestic partnership, is that I was really excited about getting it for health insurance. And then it didn't really work out.

AnnE Diemer: 

I think that's why most people know about it and think about it. At least most people who do HR know about it or think about it, because the laws around healthcare in this company, even with the ACA, which was a game changer in so many ways, still require you to have employment to have health insurance, at least health insurance that's affordable depending on what state you're in and what your marketplace looks like, et cetera, et cetera. So yeah, I know about it through that. I um I guess technically have a domestic partnership. I've had insurance through my partner who I have lived with and been with for 13 years, and we are rarely asked to give proof of what our partnership is, but actually for his last job, we were asked to sign an affidavit, and I saved it because I thought it was hilarious. And I'll read you my favorite part. I mean, there's so many favorite parts. But the definition of opposite sex or same-sex domestic partner for purposes of this affidavit shall be two individuals of the same or opposite sex who live together in a long-term relationship of indefinite duration with an exclusive mutual commitment to which the domestic partners agree to be jointly responsible for each other's common welfare and to share financial obligations. So I don't know. Under that, Krista, your thing seems fine to me.

Krista Lane: 

Yeah, I mean, we weren't in a romantic relationship.

AnnE Diemer: 

That wasn't required in what I just read. Nothing about romance there.

Krista Lane: 

I guess it would be implied in long-term relationship, maybe, but maybe not.

AnnE Diemer: 

I got a long-term relationship. Do we not have a long-term relationship? I've been friends with you for forever. I plan on continuing to be friends with you. We don't live together, so we can't use this right now.

Claire Baker: 

Sister spinsters. Like, you know, every town has at least one pair. 

AnnE Diemer: 

So you can't do that. So if I'm gonna keep reading down this affidavit of domestic partnership, it does say neither of us is related by blood closer than permitted by state law for marriage. So if the state law, so unless we're in well, make that joke.

Claire Baker: 

In that state can't be able to do that.

AnnE Diemer: 

Depending on which state you're in, anyway.

Claire Baker: 

Probably.

AnnE Diemer: 

Yeah, true. True. Yeah, no, queer not allowed there. Yep.

Claire Baker: 

Well, and so I wasn't sure if I was gonna go here, but I think I'm gonna go here. Um, so I got caught in one of these awkward, like, how do we were this domestic partnership question um conversations the other day that you know you spend any time in this line of work and you wind up in a very weird place where you're trying to like write something about domestic partnerships and it gets very uncomfortable. And just for the record, the people who were on the call was me in California, somebody on my team in New York, and somebody in Texas on the client's team, somebody in Kentucky on the client's team, and then somebody in Florida on the vendor’s team. So very different worldviews, all wonderful people except the one that I don't like. Um but and and we're having this conversation, and the people from not-the-coasts were really overthinking it and and having trouble with things that I did not have trouble with, and and just like being very careful about explaining things and things like that. And I said to the New York person on Slack, and I was like, “you know, I've never met a same-sex couple in a domestic partnership, have you?” They're all married, so never anyway, maybe a tangent, but like and maybe this is a product of you know the time that I grew up when um domestic partnership was maybe the only option to uh you know same-sex couples. Um, and so I think that you know, now that it's available, maybe people are still more inclined to go the marriage route. But um, yeah, I I see a lot more people in mixed-sex couples, should we call it that, that are in domestic partnerships than um same-sex couples. And I am not sure that everybody is aware of that.

AnnE Diemer: 

I would agree with that. I would say, and I I hope my friends don't mind me speaking to this, my friends who are married, who are of the same gender, are all married, not domestic partners, because they were like, “we're gonna get these rights in writing. We are going to get something confirmed to show that we are together.” And I think folks in mixed gender couples don't always have to worry about that as much. Um, because like I I'm not gonna have to necessarily defend my right. I'm not gonna have to like make sure to take up that space. I could get married anytime I want. Whereas queer folks don't always have that privilege. So domestic partnership, not necessarily gonna cut it. Whereas for me, I just need domestic partnership to like get my health insurance. Okay, cool.

Krista Lane: 

Well, and I think this is probably relevant to why we didn't like my best friend and I didn't end up doing this back in the day because this was like before gay marriage was legal. And I think my friend really wanted to preserve domestic partnership. Like if that if that was gonna be the marriage equivalent forever, like they wanted that to be important and precious for them. And I was like, who am I to you know dilute the value of that for you, you know, in in how you want to live your life and and hold that. And you know, obviously things changed a few years later or whatever, but but yeah, that that you know it's different now than it was then. Um, and I can see how the calculus would change.

AnnE Diemer: 

Absolutely. The political implications

Claire Baker: 

So that brings us to besides weird, awkward uh legal definitions of domestic partnership in HR, and this is mostly mostly benefits, not entirely benefits, but in an HR sense, what is the difference between somebody who is married and somebody who is in a domestic partnership? Why does your company even care?

AnnE Diemer:

I mean, honestly, this is the question that I go to you with, Claire, but we're gonna see if I can get this right. The benefits are taxed differently for a domestic partner than a married partner. So if you're a domestic partner, you're and the company is contributing towards your health insurance premium, for example, that health insurance premium is taxed differently than it is to a married partner's health insurance premium. Is that right? Yeah.

Claire Baker:

Yes, yeah

AnnE Diemer: 

Woo! She's learning. 

Krista Lane:

Why is that? Oh, anyway, sorry. That's this is not an area of my expertise.

Claire Baker: 

Like literally, I think that that is the only difference between being married and being in a domestic partnership. Like, besides taxes. 

AnnE Diemer:

Do we do we think that's a holdover? I 

Claire Baker:

are you guys aware of any other difference? Is it no?

AnnE Diemer: 

Do we think that's a holdover from like a homophobia of you know, queer folks not being able to be married? Like this is applies to when domestic partnerships were for queer folks and they want to tax them differently. That's bonkers, right?

Claire Baker: 

I I think the concept of domestic partnerships was around before that because I remember okay, I'm gonna show no.

AnnE Diemer: 

Not before homophobia. Homophobia was there for forever.

Claire Baker: 

But um, so I'm I'm gonna show my age again here, but um, I remember an episode of Who's the Boss where Tony and Angela realized that they had been living together for seven years and they qualified for like tax something, and it was like a whole episode. Um, and so Tony Danza taught me that like common law marriage has been something since at least the early 90s. And I think that like that's the same concept of as a domestic partner, right? I mean, none of us are lawyers, none of us are tax professionals or any of that. Like, we're just talking up out of our mouth holes, but…

AnnE Diemer: 

Krista looks like she's she's doing some research. What do you got for us, Krista?

Krista Lane:

Okay, so I mean the I think the the main issue, like sure, the tax benefits changes might be different. The the the AI overview, right, says the fundamental difference uh is about offer domestic partnerships offer state level rights, but don't have federal protections. Um the biggest differences are denial of federal benefits like social security and immigration, lack of automatic inheritance, um, and state-by-state variations in local legal recognition. Yeah.

AnnE Diemer: 

So, but from an HR perspective, like the only reason I ever need to know is so that I can tax the premiums differently. And when I'm doing that process, let's be clear, I'm rolling my eyes the entire time because it seems bizarre to me. But I know that that's a rule in the payroll system. So when I'm asking as HR, that's why I'm asking.

Krista Lane: 

Yeah, I wonder if the survivability piece of it is is relevant to HR and benefits. Like, but I think that might depend on how how you've set up your benefits, right? Like if you're if you're if if the employer offers spousal benefits that like survival benefits if the employee dies, depending on the state, they may not apply to a domestic partner the way that they would, at least not without a will, the way that they would to a married partner.

AnnE Diemer:

You usually designate a beneficiary for those. And so that's already been like designated in advance.

Claire Baker: 

But there's I think there's all there's also the relationship of the children, if the children aren't children of both. And and so I think that like if you have a domestic partner who has children and they are on your plan, I think the children are also taxed. I think if they're I no way that's taxed differently too. If they're not your children, I think. Don't hold me to that, but like I think there are a lot of like really weird like legal nuances where like I think it is a distinction with a difference, and I think it it comes up in situations that like I don't know. I guess I'm glad that we have more than one option for like your relationship to another consenting adult, but like it it does make for some very, very weird benefits builds when you're doing open enrollment and setting up that whole flow.

AnnE Diemer: 

Here's my thing: I want people to have health insurance. I want kiddos to have health insurance. When someone tells me they're adding a dependent on, like, if I have to ask a rule for like a tax reason, I will ask. But it is occurring to me as we're discussing this, I have never asked who the children belong to. When someone says I need to add a child as a dependent to the health insurance. I'm just like, as there's nothing blocking me, I'm for sure getting you some health insurance. And that's how I've been handling it. Should I put that in this recording? Unclear.

Krista Lane: 

Yeah, I hope so.

Claire Baker:  

Well, but I'm just getting resolved. And that is worth saying that I don't think that it is the HR department's responsibility to confirm that people are like filling out their tax forms properly. Um, because it's you just you can't take on that level of responsibility. It's none of your business to be asking some of those questions. And so, like, that's why you get the affidavit, other than like just because we like exchanging stupid paperwork, but like so that the employees can just say, trust me, bro, like I'm not gonna disclose my whole like life story to you. Like, this is my affidavit that what I'm saying is true, just get out of my face. Um but I think like what I think is interesting is that for benefits, like domestic partners are treated like spouses, and it's only the taxation that's different. And so, like, I think I I don't know enough about this to be sure, but I believe that like some state-level taxes treat domestic partnerships like marriages, and some don't. Um, there's also all the broo ha about like some states let you get married if you are in a same-sex partnership, and some send you over to the the other line. But it's all about taxation, it's not actually about like how your healthcare treats you or like who gets that emergency phone call or any of that stuff. Like these private companies and insurance companies are private companies, like get to make their own decisions, and the insurance companies are like, Yeah, you got more people you want us to sell insurance to, bring them on over. Um, but it's the IRS who's like, Yeah, but we want a piece of it. We want a piece of it, too.

AnnE Diemer:  

Tell us the intimate details of your relationship. Who are you having sex with so that I can decide how much you should be taxed? What? I know it wasn't required. It wasn't required. Sex and romance were not required. Uh it's so weird the things that we know about people when we do HR.

Claire Baker:  

But so uh like to come back to where we started, um, you know, you do have to ask these delicate questions that some people may be sensitive about um somebody at work asking them. And so how how do each of you handle the situations where you do have to ask these kind of nosy questions without making it seem sketchy? Krista.

Krista Lane:  

Yes, to I explain why I'm asking. Like here is all this information that I'm asking of you that I don't need to know for any other reason than to get you the benefits that you deserve and get you signed up for them. So that's probably the simplest answer. I don't know if any of you have more to add to that since you probably do it more often than I do.

AnnE Diemer:  

No, I I do the same. I explain why I'm asking, and depending on who the audience is, I editorialize on what I think of the system, trying not to do too much because that distracts from the question at hand. But I think another good example of this is when you're setting up health insurance for folks, you have to collect a sex and that has to be binary. Someone has to answer male or female. And that is reductive in so many ways, and it is dehumanizing for some folks, and it is a requirement that I have to submit for everyone's health insurance. So I think I just try to validate people's lived experiences when I'm doing this and say this is a requirement by a company that we have to use because we're stuck within systemic oppression in various ways. I try not to say it as jargony as that and explain why I need it. And then also if I can like, you know, be a human with them, I I try to do that too. I think when we're doing this from a human angle, it makes it feel a little bit better. I don't know. Claire, how do you do it?

Claire Baker:  

Yeah, I mean, I just I explain to people that it's like this is how it's taxed if it's this way, this is how it's taxed if it's this way. I just need to know how to tax your benefits so that when you submit your taxes at the end of the year, you're not getting a big bill because they're gonna know if you're married or in a civil partnership. So just tell me which one matches your situation. But I think it it's worth saying because you brought up the the benefit gender. I will say that I mean, I can't say across the board, but um pretty much every like ben admin system I've ever worked with or every HRIS keeps gender like at the highest security level. And so they you may have like another pronoun field. Sometimes they have legal gender and like there's a whole separate field that like exists over in the HRIS side. Um, but like for anybody that is concerned about that, like legal name and legal gender generally tend to have the highest, highest, highest need-to-know level security. Um for the reason that we're talking about. Yeah, even HR doesn't look at it. Like, you know, the times that I have been exposed, like that's a hard one, man. Like the background checks for people, like that is a harder question. Like that is a whole podcast. But um, yeah, I mean, I I try to I try to make sure that like if I do have to ask somebody in generally you tend to know if you need to ask somebody. Um I I do try to let them know when I'm asking, like, just so you know, this is between us and these are the people that have access to this setting. Here's how we're gonna handle it, and like this here is what everybody else sees. But yeah, that's that's a tough one.

AnnE Diemer:  

I think that's such an important thing to say is like when we're asking for any sensitive information, saying how we're going to use it and who else will have access to it is so important. And that's where a lot of that kind of trusting relationships gets built or broken.

Claire Baker: 

So behind the curtain, we found that people can get busy with whoever they want to, and they can spend the rest of their lives with whoever they want to, as far as HR is concerned. And we the reason that HR is asking is just because we want to make sure that your taxes and your family are treated right so you don't have a problem when you least want to. And um, at least in my experience, everybody who has access to this information and is making these decisions is making them with respect and understands the responsibility that it comes with. And domestic partnerships are kind of silly in a social sense. It's a tax concept, and that's why we're asking.

Krista Lane:  

That's it for today's episode of HR Peep Show with your hosts Claire Baker, Annie Demer, and me, Krista Lane. Thank you for listening, and stay tuned for future episodes covering both hot takes and practical advice to build sustainable, people-driven companies.com