Death becomes Him

Let me talk to you for real for a second…

I’m the one with the plan. The calendar. The answers. The one people call when things get shaky.

But what happens when I’m the one slipping?

This episode of Brunch Behavior: The Pour Report wasn’t on the schedule. It wasn’t polished. It wasn’t “safe.” It’s personal. Real personal.

I’m talking about a health scare that stopped me in my tracks, a mental spiral I didn’t see coming, and a moment where I had to be talked off a ledge—literally.

And here’s the part that might hit you…

Depression doesn’t always look like sadness.

Sometimes it looks like being productive, showing up, cracking jokes, handling business… and still feeling like you’re drowning quietly.

I break down what that actually looks like:

• Being everywhere physically, but mentally checked out
• Forgetting moments that should matter because your mind is overloaded
• Carrying pressure so well that nobody even thinks to check on you
• And realizing the silence gets louder the moment everything slows down

This one is for the “strong friend.”
The dependable one.
The one who never asks for help.

We’re also talking solutions—not fluff, not quotes—real steps:
Saying it out loud. Letting somebody in. Taking one honest step toward support before it gets too heavy.

If you’ve been holding it together a little too well lately… this episode might feel like a mirror.

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SIP happens. Every SIP tells a story.

Transcript

Content Warning And Support Note

Styles 0:00

Disclaimer. Before we get into this episode, I want to say this up front. This conversation touches on mental health, depression, and thoughts that can get real heavy. For some of you, this might feel triggering. So if you're not in the right space right now, it's okay to pause. I'll come back to it later. But if you're in a space where you're trying to understand what you're feeling or just need something to resonate with, this one might help. And just so we're clear, you're about to step into my business. You're about to get up close and personal with Chris Styles. Not the podcaster, not the martial artist, not the father, not the husband, and definitely not the son. Me, the walking wounded. And at the end of the episode, and in the show notes, I'll make sure to leave some real resources for anyone who needs support. What's good, people? Um, first of all, I'm back. Second of all, I took a trip, a live show I was invited to. Storytime coming soon. But when I got back, I told myself something simple. Sit down and record. So here I am. Now, if you know me, or even if you don't, you probably don't know this part about me. I'm a very private and prideful person. I carry things quietly. I really don't show the cracks. From the outside, everything looks buttoned up, handled, and controlled. But I'm not perfect, I'm not untouchable, and I'm definitely not Superman by any stretch of the imagination. But I think people treat me like I am. Have you ever noticed how the strong ones really don't get checked on the same way? You know, that whole check on your strong friends post. Yeah, I'm one of those. And I go through it too. So first off, I'm back. What's up? Second, let me share a real experience with you. Something happened to me the other day. Or yeah, so something almost happened to me the other day. So the other day I was talking off the ledge. Literally. It started off with a health scare. It caught me off guard and you know, shook me a little. No, I'm lying. That shit shook me a lot. So the first person I called was my wife. Naturally, you know, we talked, made a plan, lined up a doctor's appointment. Actually, I'm lying. I had the doctor's appointment prior to that. Um, but still, it all, you know, shit was up in the air. I handled it. But then I got home in the dark cloud that started off in the morning, because all of this shit was actually happening at work that day. But I got home and the uh the dark cloud followed me home. Now I don't know if I've ever said this on here, but I deal with depression. It's not chronic, but when it does get bad, it gets bad. Like bad. I've gone into um a deep depression. Well, the last time I went into a deep depression was about maybe three years ago, and I literally disappeared off the planet. My friends couldn't get in contact with me. I didn't pick up and move, but I stopped answering the phone, I wasn't posting. Like you could not get in touch with me. Um, and the only person or persons I was talking to were my kids and my wife. That was it. Uh, it was pretty bad. Pretty bad. I've also come to the conclusion, I think that that's why I stay busy. Because if I slow down, it catches up to me, and I'm still trying to cope with it. And on this particular day, it sat heavy. I couldn't breathe. And I'm not talking about physically, but mentally and emotionally. Everything just dropped on me at once. And right in the moment, my brother called me, and it was a video call. And this ninja does not call me on video ever, for nothing. For no reason at all, but he just doesn't do it. He went on vacation with the fam and they reached their destination, so he was checking in. Um, but let me paint the picture. So I answer the phone, your man has a cigar in his hand, sunglasses on, you know, and for a fleeting moment I felt good. You know, I s I felt good. But um, maybe 20 seconds into the call, I didn't feel good. Because it turned into a confessional of sorts. So I'm looking at him, he's looking at me, and I'm like, yo, son, I can't, I can't do this. So he's like, what you mean you can't you can't do what? Fuck you talking about. I'm like, this this thing called life, I can't do this. Now, I did say at the top of this that this is a true story. This is an absolute true story. This is what I told him, and this is only days ago. Um, and he was like, What's wrong? And I was like, I'm tired. I'm I'm tired, I'm on this hamster wheel, I can't get off the hamster wheel, right? I didn't even tell him about the health shit. So when he hears this, he's gonna lose his shit. Cause why didn't I tell him about the health shit? Um, and I think that I didn't tell him because I already told my wife, and I need a hug, you know, you know what I mean? Like I need a hug from her. I'm gonna keep it a bug. So while I was on the phone with him and I'm telling him all of this stuff, like I'm on the verge of tears. Now, if you're looking at it like it's weakness, it's not um, I'll punch you in the face just the same as I'll drop a tear. Right? It's just passion. This is this conversation right here is for adults, so I'm not there's no joking around when I'm talking about this in my moment of insanity, right? Because me not wanting to take another another step on this planet, you know, is definitely insane for a number of reasons. But anyway, so my brother, my brother, he didn't panic, right? He didn't baby me and he didn't turn it into a whole thing. As long as we've been brothers, you know, this man has um taught me how to be a man and taught me to how to face adversity because when I thought about it, I was like, well, damn, this dude went through far worse than I did, right? Because he was the first one to walk through it, because my older brother and I'm a younger brother. So I started to feel kind of crazy telling him that, right? So what he did was again, they were on. I think my my niece had a track meet or something like that. My great niece had a track meet. I'm old as fuck. My great niece had a track meet, and remember, we were on a video call, so he hands the phone to my niece, right? And I hadn't seen my niece in forever, and it was her daughter that actually was at the track meet or what have you, and that immediately put me in a space of calm, and the purpose came back, the purpose was right back, like right back, and uh I snapped back to reality, right? And all of the reasons why came rushing back, and then of course I had to deal with the fact that I even contemplated X, Y, and Z, which is crazy. I'm surrounded by more love than I give myself credit for, and sometimes it really takes saying things out loud to realize what's actually around you. So, yeah, that's where I'm at. Alright, now that I've set the tone, let's go inside and peel this one back a little more. Welcome to Brunch Behavior, the Poor Report. I'm Styles, and today's pour Pressure Behind the Polish. Let me break this one down for you. The Sip Sermon. Mental health doesn't always look like what people think it looks like. It's not always somebody crying in the corner, it's not always isolation. Sometimes it's productivity, it's motion, is I'm good with a full calendar, but you're not. Because some of us staying busy is the disguise, myself included, because that's what the fuck I do. I realized something about myself recently. At my big grown age, I'm still unpacking things that started in my childhood. And the wild part is you don't even know you're carrying it. You just think this is how I am. And for a long time I thought this is just me, my genetic makeup. But no, it's really how I adapt it. Side note, have you ever sat still for five minutes and your mind starts running laps? Not jogging, sprinting. That's not peace, that's backlog. That's everything you push to the side, finally pulling up, like, oh, now you got time? Functioning looks good from the outside. Bills are paid, plans are made, content dropping, moves being executed, but internally, you're one quiet moment from spiraling. See, nobody really talks about how dangerous silence can be for a person who's used to being a strong one. Because when everything stops, you hear everything. The doubt, the pressure, the expectations, the disappointment, and the crazy part, half of that pressure is self-inflicted. Because you set the standard, you became the reliable one, the solid one, the one people call when things fall apart. I can't necessarily say I'm the that guy. Because I spent a lot of time inserting myself and shit. I probably shouldn't be inserting myself. But who do you call? Now that we're getting back to it, you. Who do you call? Side note everybody celebrates you when you're holding it down, but nobody notices when you're barely holding it together. And the wild part is you got so good at showing up for others you forgot what it looks like to show up for yourself. That's real shit. That moment that I had, it wasn't weakness, it felt like weakness though. I felt vulnerable. And the illest part about feeling vulnerable in that moment, there was nobody around for me to even feel embarrassed in front of. It was just me. But I was still embarrassed. Like I was the audience watching myself fall short of who I thought I was supposed to be. And that right there, that's a different kind of pressure. That's internal, that's self-imposed. So no, it wasn't weakness, although it felt like it. It should have been recognized for what it really was awareness. Awareness that I've been carrying too much, too quiet, and for too fucking long. And sometimes it'll force you to sit with yourself whether you like it or not. Brunch behavior breakdown. Let me show you what it looks like in real life. So boom. You had brunch, everybody's laughing, the drinks are flowing and the vibe is right. See how I set the table right there? But mentally you're somewhere else. You're nodding, but you're not really there. That's one. Two, you're the planner of the group. You set everything up, the reservations, times, and the location. But nobody ever asks, yo, son, you good? Because you always look good. 3. You missed something important. Anniversary, birthday, just a moment. Not because you didn't care, but because your mind was juggling so much behind the scenes. Side note, have you ever forgotten something big and it hits you late? Pause. I know I said I was gonna be mature, but you know, I'm still me. Anyway, when it hits you, it didn't hit you in the moment, but after everything settled, that kind of disappointment doesn't come from other people. That one comes from the one looking in the mirror, like, damn, I let myself down. And four, you finally slow down, no work, no noise, no distractions. And instead of peace, you're overwhelmed. The quiet that you thought you needed, it starts feeling loud real quick. Because now it's just you and everything you've been avoiding. And suddenly busy doesn't feel like productivity, it feels like projection. That's when you realize you weren't moving forward, you were just running. The final pause. Being strong doesn't mean being silent, and holding everything in doesn't make you solid, it makes you heavy. Let me sign this permission slip real quick. You're allowed to pause, you're allowed to feel, you're allowed to say, yo, check this out. I'm not good right now. That doesn't make you weak, that makes you aware. And awareness, that's where the shift starts. And before we close this out, let me say this clearly. You're in a space where things feel heavier than they should. You don't have to sit in that alone. There's always gonna be somebody to listen to you. I myself, I'm one DM away. DM me, we'll talk about it. And if I can't talk about it, somebody else will talk about it. But we're gonna get help together. Here's a few real resources for you. You can call or text 988-Suicide and Crisis Lifeline 247. You can also visit Nami for support, education, and local connections, or check out Mental Health America for tools, screenings, and guidance. And on some real big brother energy, I'm doubling down. I'm here too. I'm not licensed, I'm not a therapist, but if you need somebody to talk to or you need somebody just to listen, I'm a DM away. Doubling down on that. Sometimes a conversation is all it takes to slow things down, and I'm proof of that. That's your pull for today. SIP happens, every sip tells a story. So normally what I would do is jump in here and plug the book, but I don't think that the book deserves the presence on this particular episode. So we're gonna slide right past that, right? And um jump right into the closing line. Because sometimes the conversation that you avoid is the one that sets you free. Just another reminder that even the strong ones need space to breathe. From your boy Stars, catch you on the next poll.