The Chatty Podcaster - Ep 25

Communication is essential, sometimes chatting is simply optional.  Whether you are an introvert, or extrovert, challenges can arise when the decision to "speak or not to speak" can be tricky.  Some of us are still learning!  In today's episode I talk about lessons I am learning, even at my age, and how we are never too old to change our ways.  

Transcript

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Hey everyone, it's Lindy here. Welcome back to the podcast. As always, I'm absolutely delighted to be back in my little podcast chair. Yeah, my creative zone. And this is recorded from a little home-based office that I have here, and it's in the beautiful Comox Valley on Vancouver Island, right here in Western Canada. And my actual name is Linda Leferman. However, I do go by the nickname of Lindy, a name that was given to me by my sisters when I was growing up. So if you can call me Lindy, you can call me Linda. As my mother always said, same old joke, don't call me Late for supper. Anyway, I am the creator and host of this series, and I love podcasting. It's a creative outlet for me. It's fun. And some of my episodes are focused on a specific topic, and others are just simply touching base or sharing my thoughts, hopefully sharing some kindness and positivity. Okay, uh I've been doing some self-reflections this week, thinking about how I speak, what I do, what the impact is of how often I speak. I'm finding myself in a spot where I'm doing some self-evaluations, possibly some inner critic happening, and maybe some external influences are behind this. If I asked you today, what is it that you love about hearing someone's voice? What do you look for in a conversation? Are you bothered if someone has a quiet voice or a high-pitched voice or a loud voice? Are you critical if someone has the need to take extra time to process a thought before speaking? What if someone around you interrupts you too often? How do you react if someone is learning a new language and they don't know all the words you are speaking? What happens if someone speaks in a language you don't understand? Do you like to speak? Or would you rather hide behind a rock and not have to have anything to do with conversations? Well, that's a lot of questions that are related to speech. There's a lot of different scenarios there. And if I was to look at that, I go, okay, well, what do I love about hearing someone's voice? Well, if I care for that person and I get to hear their voice, it means that they're still alive. And that means I have that opportunity and that is something for which I am grateful. What do I look for in a conversation? Well, for me, I look for a two-sided conversation. I want to know that I have opportunity to speak, and I want to know the other person has opportunity to speak. I want to know that we're both speaking, we're both listening. Am I bothered if someone has a quiet voice or a high-pitched voice? Not necessarily. If it impacts my ability to retain what they're saying, then yeah, I might have to ask for clarification, but we're all born with what we're born with. We can try to work with it, but sometimes we just have a different voice. Am I critical if someone needs extra time to process a thought before speaking? I don't know if I do it. I would probably keep it on the inside to myself because I know there are times when I can't reply to something if I need a moment to think about it. I know some people get really frustrated if somebody asks a question, they're like, Well, come on, come on, come on, you got an answer and they're snap their fingers. Come on, I need your answer. And they're like, hey, just give me a minute. I just need a minute to process this. Yeah, communication can go such a long way. Sometimes you have to say, can you just give me a moment? I need to think about this. Or sometimes we need to not push too fast and give someone that moment to think about what they have to say. It's it's just it's a challenging thing. Communication is a challenging thing sometimes. And I am not an expert in any of this, believe me. And the more I tell you about me this week, you're gonna go, yeah, she's no expert in this. But you know, I am turning 60 this year, and I am learning life lessons all the time about this whole communication thing that's going on in this world. Yeah, and and then we have this whole thing about okay, what happens if someone around you interrupts too often? Sometimes they don't mean to be rude. Sometimes they have a thought in their brain, and by the time they get their thought to come out, it comes out at the wrong time. And if they catch themselves and go, oops, sorry, I can wait, you know they're not necessarily meaning to interrupt. But if you have someone who's not listening and they're just talking over you all the time, yeah, sometimes you gotta put a little kibosh on that because it can be hard to have a two-sided conversation if someone's always interrupting. And how do you react if someone's learning a new language and they're having a hard time communicating with you? Perhaps you go into a restaurant or a store and they're doing their best. Well, you know what for me, I try to put myself in that person's shoes. And I think if if I go traveling to another country and they speak a different language in that country, uh, I can't expect them to automatically know what it is that I'm saying. I got to try to learn their language, sure. But I would certainly hope that as I'm struggling, somebody would have kindness or they would try to help me along. And I also take that back to, and I'll just make it a quick story, that I worked for someone many years ago who came to Canada from another country and he could hardly speak English when he got here. And that man has managed to master the English language. He owns multiple businesses, he's kind, he's hired a lot of people, he's contributed to a lot of community events, and he's a brilliant man. The world was a better place when he came here. So, you know, it just kind of reminds us that because somebody's learning a new language doesn't mean that they're not smart. It just means that they need a little bit of time to adjust to something different. And sometimes, yeah, I think sometimes we can can be helpful in trying to help someone with that transition. Um, and I don't know, that's just me thinking about that because I do know people who've had to have moved here and they've had to learn different languages. And they've been so appreciative of people who you gave them that time to be able to adjust. Do you like to speak? Or are you the kind of person who would rather just go hide behind a rock and not have to deal with people at all? Hey, whatever it is, it's all okay because we're all different. Some people are chatty, some people aren't. And if you're wondering why I'm getting into all of this this week, well, it's because I had some experiences over recent months and even this past week, things that happened that got me thinking about speaking, talking, listening, and hearing. Yeah, I may be turning 60 this summer, but I don't think I've got this whole speaking thing honed. Yeah, I don't. In fact, I've had some experiences that have got me self-evaluating my own actions, thinking that I need to make changes, and finding the balance of doing what is socially right versus being who I am. I am a social person. I've always enjoyed being around people. If I'm comfortable with a group or I'm comfortable with people, hey, I got no issue participating in conversation. But if I'm not comfortable with someone, I tend to just smile and nod and I'll have a hard time getting those words out. It's funny, my first grade report card mentioned that I was really good at learning arithmetic and reading, but sometimes I was a bit too social. Ouch. Guess it started back then and it didn't end there. I can recall getting into trouble in sixth grade class because I was chatting too much with friends in my class. I was given dictionary work, which meant I had a detention after class, and I had to sit and write words from the dictionary over and over and over. Oh, that wasn't fun, but still I was getting into trouble for chatting. The first time I gave a speech to a public group was when I was in my early twenties. I'd been nominated to be a board member on a tourism board. This was back in the Yukon. The meeting was held in Dawson City, and there were more applicants for the board than there were positions at that time, and nobody told me I had to do a speech. So when I arrived at the meeting that day, there were likely around 200 delegates sitting in the room. I had never spoken in front of a big crowd like that, and when the announcement came up that all the nominees would need to come up and explain why they'd be a good fit for the board, I was just shocked. Other delegates were walking to the podium, papers in hand, ready to deliver well prepared, educated speeches. Not me, because what happened was the person that nominated me forgot to tell me I would need a speech. Oh well. I recall one candidate who was someone I knew very well, opened up her speech with the words I am an educated Yukonor and I have a degree in marketing. Right away. I had a pit in my stomach. But that wasn't me. Yeah, when my term came to speak, I just got up and stood in front of the mic. It was really cold in that auditorium, and my hands were cold, and I was shaking. I remember that I was kindly like I was partly shaking because I was chilled, and mostly because I was so nervous. I'd never ad lived in front of a large group before. What was I gonna say? So at first my voice did not come out loudly. The mic was too high, and someone came and fixed it right away, and that helped a little bit. I still had a quiver in my voice. I was cold, I was nervous. Well, I started out by just explaining I was a born and raised Yukon or I loved people. In that speech I shared how one of my first jobs was working in a local craft store. And I shared the story of how one day I took a birch bark moose collar and stuck my head out the door of the store on a quiet day and was making moose calls out to the street. A group of tourists from a nearby tour bus came along, they heard me, wondered what I was doing, and they came into the store. My boss was away that day. I was a bit worried I was gonna get in trouble for those shenanigans. Well, it turned out they loved the handcrafted moccasins, the beaded earrings, the porcupine quill jewelry, and I sold a lot of items that day, and it all started with me sticking my head out the window, doing a moose call. Yeah, silly things I've done. Anyways, I told that story. I was looking at people in the first row and they were smiling. Their eyes were meeting my eyes. And that was strange for me because when I took drama classes in elementary school, we were taught to look above the audience if we got nervous. On this day, I found the eye contact, the nodding heads, and the smiles were the fuel I needed to continue with my unscripted speech. I then shared how my experiences working as a flight attendant on the Northern DC threes had helped me understand people, why they travel, what they're looking for. And I shared how on some of the longer flights after the meals were served and the dishes picked up, I often took a few moments to chat with people and I'd answer questions about the area. I'd engage in two-way conversation and find out what they were looking for on their journey, what they liked, what they didn't like. I learned so much about people on those flights, and as I mentioned, I always wanted visiting guests to feel like they mattered and we cared. I talked about my own experience traveling out of the country with my high school band, and how the lessons I had learned from our gracious hosts inspired me to want to do the same. By the time I was done that speech, I was no longer cold, no longer shaking, no longer nervous. The woman who had nominated me in the first place was sitting on the side in the front row, and I'll never forget the smile on her face as I wrapped up my little chat that day. I spoke from the heart, and I received one of the longer terms available on that board. It was an honor to be chosen, and it didn't matter to anyone that I didn't have a designation behind my name or a degree that spoke to my professionalism. But the bottom line is I cared about people, and if you want to be involved in tourism, that's really important. I share this because I remember how scary it was for me to speak that day in front of so many people with no written speech and no warning. But there are times when speaking can be an asset, and I was called upon a few more times in working years up north to come and address high school kids. Once it I was asked to give a motivational speech to some kids and to try to help them stay encouraged to stay in school. And the other one was a speech to a group of high school graduates. And I often thought to myself, but why me? Why are they choosing me? I'm nothing special. I just think it was because I could connect and I had really positive feedback. One event was sponsored by the local chamber of commerce, and that was the one where they wanted to encourage kids to stay in school to get an education. I spoke from the heart that day and shared a story of a time when I had wanted to quit high school in eleventh grade. That's a whole different story, but I shared my story quite openly that day with the kids that were in that room. I spoke of finding joy and doing work you love, reaching out for help if help is needed. I talked about budgeting and life skills and how I had figured out what I needed to do to make ends meet. At the end of that speech, a young girl approached me on the side. I don't know how old she was, I'm gonna say maybe 15 or 16, and she thanked me. She said she was ready to quit school, and I had just changed her mind. I'll never forget that. It didn't come from any approach other than speaking from the heart, speaking the way I speak, and I still have the gift I received from the Chamber of Commerce for that presentation. At another event where I was asked to give a speech to a graduating class, I had a scripted speech. I'd written it all out ahead of time. At that time, I was the local sales manager for a radio station, and that is why they had reached out to me. They knew I grew up in the area and was working in a professional position at that time. And I recall talking a lot about attitude, never being afraid to do the crappy jobs along with the good jobs, because one thing leads to another and another and another. I explained how my job reference that helped me land a job in a law firm when I was quite young had come from somebody that owned a restaurant I had worked in. Yeah, so no matter what it is you're doing in life, it's always so worth it to give it your best. And that was the message that I gave. I was comfortable that day, lots of smiles, lots of nods from the audience, people shaking my hand after telling me how much they loved what I had to say. But then it happened. A nasty woman appeared around the corner, and believe me, she was not a pleasant woman. In front of a large group of people, she loudly asked, So nice speech, but I surprised they picked you. What's your claim to fame? In that moment I was speechless. I felt like I hadn't deserved to be on that stage. After all, who was I? Finally, I just smiled and replied, Well, I guess with all the things I've done in my life, they felt my experience was worth sharing. She sneered at me and laughed. This same woman approached me on a soccer field and asked me loudly in front of a group of people how much I was getting for child support. You see, at that time I was a single mom and our children had played together at school. I didn't even attempt to answer her that day. I just looked at her and said, Hey, that's not anyone's business, and why are you asking me this? She'd walked away. You see, for her, I believe it was about titles. Grandiose for her. She wanted to look better, she wanted to challenge me, she just wanted to make her point. I almost kind of wonder she didn't like me because I was a single parent at the time and that didn't meet her values. I don't know, that's what my assumption was. But I wasn't gonna bite. And yes, those words affected me. What's your claim to fame? And that was the start of imposter syndrome for me, a feeling that no matter what I did, even if it brought success to others, I still wasn't good enough. It's amazing how a few words can really stick with someone for a long time. Public speaking isn't for everyone. Some people can't handle being in a room with more than a few people at one time, let alone speak into a group. I'm okay with public speaking, even though I have not had formal training with it. But as long as I believe in what I'm speaking about, I can do it. This past week was tough for me. Some of this came back up again, and I can't get too much into it other than to say, I got blasted by someone this week who didn't appreciate I spoke a few words at the wrong time. Yeah, somebody was trying to sleep. Okay, that was my bad. I could have read the situation better and held off chatting till a later time. But I own that it was my mistake. It was me sharing a concern about the medical well-being of another, and I picked the wrong time to do it. Again, I own that it was my mistake. I guess it's not the first time I've made this mistake, but believe me, from the response I got, it's not gonna happen again. But sadly, because of the response I had, I kind of feel like a turtle now that needs to go back in the shell to be quiet, to be silent. That's kind of what I feel like. And I had another situation recently, and I I had met with some people recently, and I'm beginning to collaborate on some projects with them, and it's a new working relationship for me, but also a developing friendship at the same time. And I was super enthusiastic about the project, like really, really excited, and felt like I'd found some like-minded people with similar interests, and yay, we're gonna make this thing happen. Well, it turns out that one person told the other person, she's really nice, but she likes to talk a lot. Well, that other person told me that was said, but the person who told me that did it in a really kind way, and I think they were just trying to help me understand. I might need to tone it down a little. But okay, I get it. Yes, I've sometimes been told I chat too much, and I need to remember that. I always try to engage in two-way conversation, though. I try to make sure everyone has a chance to speak. I don't need to be the center of attention. But sometimes my passion for what I do might get me a little bit too chatty. I know that. So I had a second meeting this week and I really, really focused on not talking too much. I just didn't want to talk too much. It was hard for me, but I knew I had to do it. I don't want to be known as the lady who doesn't shut up, so I just stayed quiet. Well, until I discovered uh one of these people who actually lives on the island here knew somebody that I knew from my hometown. Okay, there we go. Now I start up again, and my excitement picked up and away we went with the conversation. And then I caught myself and I'm like, ah, I gotta stop. I'm talking too much. Anyway, on the way out that day, uh, we all were kind of going our own ways, and I and the person who had told me I was a that um I was a bit chatty had left first. And we get along great, but as I caught up the other person, I said, Hey, you know what? I hope I wasn't too chatty. Like, like I was almost looking for reassurance I had not talked too much, and I said, I hope I wasn't too chatty. I really tried to be more quiet. And he smiled and he said, Oh gosh, it's fine, no worries. So I got in my car and I was about to start it, and then I looked and I had a tap on my window. And the fellow I'd been walking with had now turned back and come back, and and I opened up the window and he goes, Don't stop being you. I mean, that's what I like about you. I like your enthusiasm, I like your attitude. You are who you are, and that's why I wanted to work with you. I love your enthusiasm. Don't change what you're doing. That made me feel so much better, especially because it had happened to me twice in one week. And honestly, I was just feeling like I want to go out, I want to do this stuff, but I just don't want to speak anymore. That's how I was starting to feel. I gotta be quiet. Anyway, I found myself apologizing to facilitator after a training workshop last week as well because I felt I had talked too much during the QA session. Uh, and I had complete anxiety after the event. I really did, because I questioned myself and I wondered if I had overstepped and maybe spoke for one minute too long. You know, when everybody wants to go at the end of a session, did I take too long? Well, the facilitator assured me what I did was fine and that they really wanted a group that was engaged, and she said she had actually learned something from me that day. So that made me feel better, but it it just doesn't remove the anxiety that I felt after, which was this feeling like, oh my gosh, why did I talk so much? I shouldn't have done that. It's hard to communicate when there's constant distractions. And sometimes, you know, if you're at home and you've got a television going constantly all the time, either you got interrupt when someone's watching TV, or you just play second fiddle to that box on the wall. And if someone's always scrolling and they're not paying attention to you, you either feel like you have to speak loud to be heard, or you give up and you just don't chat. So I think there's all kinds of things that can impact communication and speaking. And sometimes, yeah, sometimes it is the right time to chat and sometimes it's not, and sometimes we almost have to put things aside and make time to chat. So it does come out at the right time. And it's a fine line sometimes, you know, especially for somebody like me. And I always say you're never too old to learn, and for me, yeah, this is just something I'm working on. When to speak, when to listen, when to stay silent. Yeah, that's just plain old social etiquette, but again, hey, we're never too old to learn. We really aren't. And a little reminder now and then isn't a bad thing, as long as it's done kindly and constructively. And yeah, I'm grateful I live in a country where I have the freedom to speak. Oh my gosh, yeah. What I do with my words and how I use them around others, though, does reflect on me and what I stand for. I try to say please and I try to say thank you at the store and in restaurants, and I always try to speak with a smile, because you know, smiles do go a long way, and they don't always need words. Anyway, that's it. I've been doing a lot of chatting about speaking today. Hmm. Yeah, and speaking of that, I think I have been chatting long enough. But a quick note here before I go, if you are listening to this on your podcast app, a positive review would really make my day. Many apps have a place where you can rate the podcast or offer comments. Um, there's also a spot in my show notes where if you go back to the description here for this podcast, you might find a spot there where you can click on the link to share your feedback through voicemail. And if it doesn't show up in your app, you can just visit my website at www.grayrootsandchickenboots.buzzsprout.com. Uh, and you can send feedback through any one of the episodes. Um, and this is a hobby for me. I just try to keep it that way. I'm not trying to become rich and famous or anything off of this. It's a hobby podcast. And uh yeah, it is just created for entertainment purposes only. I don't give advice. Certainly, I'm not given any advice on speaking or how much to speak. I am no expert. But seriously, yeah. Uh it is a hobby for me. And uh I guess for me at the end of the day, it's just if I know that this mattered to somebody and I get positive feedback, yeah, it does make you feel good that you are spending time doing this and it did matter to somebody. And of course, there's always this quick reminder that I do have to give at the end of every podcast, because this is really important to me. I like to remind people that smiles come in all languages. And yeah, and no words are needed, just actions. And a quick note if you have a chance to do something really kind for somebody this week, uh, whether it's, you know, somebody that you know, or maybe a neighbor, maybe a senior in your neighborhood, just any action that you can take to make somebody's day better, please do so. We're in a world right now that needs a lot of positivity, a lot of kindness, and that that would be a really good thing to do. And I guess on the final note about speaking as well, too, if you find that somebody's talking too much around you, there's probably a really gentle way that you can let them know that without hurting their feelings and being kind. Because at the end of the day, uh everybody's voice matters, and sometimes we all just need to find our way and how we communicate. And if we're doing it with good intentions and not trying to hurt anybody's feelings, then I think that's the most important thing. Alright, I gotta go. Take care, have a great week, everyone, and we will chat soon. Bye. Oh, and I forgot to mention when I was telling that story about the lady that asked what your claim to fame is. Little did she know that the very next day I had an email from a parent who really enjoyed my speech and she wanted a copy of it to share at a luncheon at her organization. So, yep, sometimes you just gotta focus on the positives. Okay, had to share that. Bye.