Breaking Generational Trauma in Motherhood: Healing While Parenting with Fradel Neuman

In this conversation, I interview Fradel Neuman, a mental health advocate. We explore the unique challenges of raising children while also doing your own healing, and what it really looks like to break generational trauma cycles in real time.
For feedback or to connect with Fradel, you can find her on Instagram @fradelneuman. She also runs a beautiful photography business at captureitphotography.info 

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:09

Hello, everybody. Welcome. It's so nice to officially meet you. I feel like I know you because of your Instagram page, been a long time follower on other accounts. So appreciate you coming live with me. And hello to everyone tuning in. My name is Lara Bowski. I'm a licensed master social worker, therapist specializing in trauma and anxiety. I'll let you take it away with your introduction. And I I know I put mental health advocate as I've, you know, been a longtime follower watching you advocate for mental health. And I also know you're you have a photography business, so you could share about that as well.

SPEAKER_00 0:42

Yeah, I'm just figuring out my camera situation. Oh, sure. Okay. Hi, everyone. So I'm Freddie Newman, just advocate for mental health, like Leia said, and advocate for just figuring out your what you have and what you need in your life. And specifically with motherhood and trauma, it's something that I really relate to. It's something that I've been working on myself. So Leia's gonna ask me some questions, and then we will just, you know, we will have this chat and we will see where it takes us. Leia. Amazing.

SPEAKER_02 1:16

Yeah, and everyone, you know, could be feel free to pop in some questions in the chat. We'll both of us will like look. So I'm excited to dive in. It's such an important topic, and you know, there's there's trauma healing, and people go through trauma healing at different points in their life, and then there's trauma healing when raising the next generation, right? So we call it generational cycle breaker, and you know, fraudul is a great example. So yeah, I'll just dump right in and you know, everyone feel free to ask other questions and frauddles. Well, like we could veer off the questions too. So, you know, in terms of challenges with parenting and going through trauma healing, there's the challenges and then there's unexpected challenges. So, whatever you're comfortable sharing on that.

SPEAKER_00 1:59

Yeah, so there's the typical things that I always knew would happen. And then there's the unexpected challenges, which I would say are a lot more than I ever expected, and a lot more difficult in a way that I just never thought that that would happen. Not necessarily to me, I just didn't realize that how like how trauma shapes you in a way that affects every single part of your life, and it affects the way you parent your children, and it affects the way you deal with your own emotions and feelings. So some of the unexpected things are being triggered when my kids get certain things that I didn't have as a child. Hold on. So I never it took me a few years to realize this, but when my kids would get things that I didn't get as a when I was a child, I would get triggered, and I didn't realize that I was triggered. I just knew that this is bothering me, and I didn't I I couldn't like point my finger at it because I didn't know what was happening because I wasn't very aware of my trauma at that point. So it took me a couple of years to realize the the the cycle that was happening every time my kids would, and I don't mean physical gifts, I mean like emotional stability, which is better than physical gift, yeah, yeah, for sure. It's just something that I didn't realize that you know what's happening to me is because of my trauma and not because I'm you know, in a way I was I was jealous of them, you know? Because I didn't have that as a child. So, you know, feel free to ask any follow-up questions that you have.

SPEAKER_02 3:31

Yeah, that makes so much sense. You know, jealousy in general is so common with with any sort of trauma, you know, it could it could happen, you know, in childhood as an adult, as a parent. So I love that we're highlighting this specifically as a mother. So if and you know, if you want to skip, let me know. Um just to follow up that that jealousy that it was even hard to pinpoint, would you say that's similar to grief? Okay, can you repeat the question?

SPEAKER_00 3:57

Because somebody pulled me in and I missed the first part of your question.

SPEAKER_02 4:01

Oh, no worries. Would you say that jealousy is like similar to grief?

SPEAKER_00 4:05

In a way, yes, because you're grieving something that you never had. And you didn't even, you know, the thing is that I had a trial, I didn't even know what I was missing out on. I didn't know what I was wrong with or wasn't normal, so I didn't know to expect anything else, anything more. And when I was an adult in my relationship with my kids, I realized started realizing that oh, you know, I could have had that and I could have had this, and I I didn't get that. So there's definitely a very big grieving process that happened and still is happening, you know, because it's it's not something that just happens in a day and then you're all good. It's just it's a process of really working through your grief, and it's definitely grief is definitely a very big part of my journey, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:51

Yeah. I perhaps we could say like any trauma healing, whether it was single incident or childhood, complex trauma, there's always gonna be grief of that experience. So that makes so much sense. What how would you say that jealousy has decreased or increased or stayed the same?

SPEAKER_00 5:12

It's you know, as you were it's definitely decreased in in the last in the last two years because I've come to a place where I'm just happy for my kids instead of being jealous of them.

SPEAKER_02 5:22

Wow, that's a huge shift.

SPEAKER_00 5:25

Yeah, it took a while to get here.

SPEAKER_02 5:27

Yeah, just a reminder for everyone it doesn't happen in a day.

SPEAKER_00 5:30

No, no, no, it doesn't. And and and just because it happened to me doesn't mean you don't you shouldn't expect anything of yourself. Like if you're feeling jealous of your kids, well uh well, like their their emotional stability, that's because of you, it's your credit, right? Because you're you're giving them this that emotional stability. And I think that it's really important to give yourself time and grace, and while you're going through this healing process of just healing what you didn't have as a child and reaving that.

SPEAKER_02 6:02

Yeah, absolutely. And you know, I see there's 61, 63, it keeps going up and down, but you know, 63 people on now, and it's everyone wants to to grow, and that in of itself is so inspiring to me how how people want to grow, whether they're currently a mother, they're they're you know, married, their spouse is a mother, whether they're single and they're gonna be a mother. So just so beautiful to see that. I just want to point that out. So we'll get to the question later, I see. So so continuing on with the questions that we prepared, do you notice yourself sometimes parenting from a place of fear rather than a place of from love?

SPEAKER_00 6:42

Definitely, and not only that, but I think this this coincides with our next question, which is what do I do about that? You know, do I do I notice myself parenting out of fear? Definitely. And I think that it's something that I'm so grateful that Hashem has gifted me with an awareness, and it's not something that came easily, but after working on it a while, I can say that I'm very aware of when I'm doing something out of fear, out of trauma, instead of doing it out of love. So I'm very aware of when it's happening, and I'm able to stop myself and I'm able to say, you know, you know, just regroup, refocus, and and just ground myself and say, okay, this and this is happening. You're you're apparenting from a place of either trauma or fear, and it's it's this is not the genuine you, this is not yourself. And sometimes I need to step out of the room and take a break, take a breather, just do whatever it takes, you know. I I just I regroup, I I go out of the room, I think to myself, what's happening? Why is it happening? What is this triggering me? Like, why is this happening? And I once I identify why it's happening, it's a lot easier to actually, you know, shift your focus and and parent from a loving way. Wow. Beautiful. So, like that taking time for yourself, that grounding. Yeah, and it doesn't have to be half an hour. I'm talking three to four minutes, you know. Just like leave the room and and and just think about what's triggering you, why is it triggering you, and and you can say to those feelings that are triggering you, and I want your attention. You can say, I'll I'll I'll come back to you soon. I just I need to send to the kids and I will I will be back to take care of you so that those feelings and emotions don't feel abandoned by you that way.

SPEAKER_02 8:29

Wow. That deep process reminds me of like parts work or like IFS. Is it similar to that? Beautiful. And and and I love that you said it could be three minutes because you know, there's not always you have a half hour with the kids.

unknown 8:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:46

So the next question that we had said is like triggers coming up. So that was the same realm. So I guess the the question after that would be how do you differentiate between you know a normal parenting challenge, right? Because parenting is challenging no matter what, or like a trauma response. This is hard because of trauma and trauma healing.

SPEAKER_00 9:05

So honestly, sometimes I ask my husband for help. I I I I literally, if I know I'm like I'm in a place where like I'm emotionally not okay, I will tell my husband when he gets home from work, you know, I'm I'm feeling this and that today. And if you see me parenting from a place of trauma or something that's not love or not regular parenting, like please just just like even just a snap of the finger, and I'll be like, oh, okay, I I I need to regroup, I need to refocus, I need to rewire my train of thought, like where this is going, why is it going in this direction? And how can I stop it from going in that direction? And other times, if I don't have my husband, I will take or put a reminder on my phone for like an alarm for every 10 minutes. And every 10 minutes I will check in with myself. Are you currently parenting from a place of trauma or are you currently parenting from a place of parenting? Like, is this like what's happening? Where is this going? Why is this going in this direction? It's just like a little reminder that's like, okay, you need you need to check yourself.

SPEAKER_01 10:06

Wow. Beautiful. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:08

That people could ask their spouse, their friend to also sometimes like it's hard for us to gauge ourselves. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:15

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 10:16

Um, so I saw someone had asked earlier. I want to address it. Someone had asked, what if they want to get help for Taylor trauma? This is the gist of it. I don't know if you saw it. They want to get help, they want to get help for their trauma, their spouse doesn't. So I'm happy to dive in and I'm curious your thoughts. I would say, like, the person who wants to get help, get help, you know, you can get even help yourself and your spouse that's a parent too, they might not be ready to get help, might have certain like blockages or barriers or fears, often fears of getting um going to therapy. Um, and so like you yourself go, and that's that's huge in of itself. Like it could change a dynamic, you starting to do things a little bit differently and healing yourself and looking at the way you're parenting. What would you say on that?

SPEAKER_00 11:01

I agree with that. I just want to add one thing that I've realized that not always do I see like eye to eye on everything with my husband, right? People have different opinions on different things. But when you do something and you keep doing that thing, your significant other, your spouse, whoever you're parenting with, is gonna see the shift that's happening and is gonna catch on. Most of the time, when they're when spouses have differences, even if even though if you don't say like, okay, we're gonna start parenting differently, you just start subtly parenting differently, that other spouse is gonna feel your your willingness, your even if they don't go for professional help. If they go for professional help, that's amazing. And it's so good when when when couples go together, and it's amazing. But even if they can, because for what the one of the reasons you mentioned, or they don't want to, they will catch on to what you're doing, and they they will, it's just it's it's contagious in a way, and it yes, it might take time. It's not something that, oh, after three days, they see you're parenting a certain way and they're gonna appear in that way too. No, they have their beliefs and they might continue that, but they are gonna catch on to what you're doing and they they're gonna see it working, and they're just gonna they're gonna follow in your footsteps.

SPEAKER_02 12:13

Yeah, someone just said a follow-up. What if your spouse doesn't want you to go to therapy and you feel you need it?

SPEAKER_00 12:20

Oh, that's a tough one.

SPEAKER_02 12:23

That's a tough one because that's I wonder if that's similar to a lot of the marital conflicts. I want to go to my parents, you want to go to your parents. I mean, there there's the marital conflicts can be vast, but I would I would have a discussion, right? What why do they not want you to? Is it fear? Is it money? It's it could be complex. I also would would wonder like, is there a control element, right? I'm curious your your take on it.

SPEAKER_00 12:48

I agree that that you know, sometimes these fears are valid, you know. People are are either scarred by a therapist, which happens unfortunately, not always. It's horrible if it happens, and bad therapy exists. I want to that exists, and and people are scarred for whatever reason or because of financial reasons or anything else. I think it's very important to have an open and honest conversation with your spouse about their fears, validate their fears, and then continue have having the conversation and continue stating your needs. Like, I need therapy. If I can't go to therapy, if you're not like approving of me going to therapy, I can't continue doing my job as a mom, I I as a father or whatever, whatever your position is, I can't continue being the parent I want to be if I don't go for help. And and and that comes after validating your spouse's fears of either financial or or just like emotional fears of you know, people are afraid of other people changing. People don't want their spouse to change, they're afraid that even if it's changed for the better, sometimes people are so comfortable with the with the things that they know, they don't want to go to anything else. So they'll be like, We're good, let's let's just stay put, right? But in reality, change, I mean, at least most of the time, is a good thing. And I I think that it's so important to validate your spouse's feelings on why they don't want you to go to therapy and then continue stating your needs, like I need therapy.

SPEAKER_02 14:18

That's so beautiful, so well said. Wow. And and it's so true, like we we all like could resist change because it's uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_00 14:28

Yeah, we do.

SPEAKER_02 14:29

So wow, so just jumping back into our questions, this is a really important one, and it and it's a foundation, right, of trauma healing and therapy, which is self-compassion, right? Which is so hard to develop with trauma because there's not really a self, so where's the compassion coming? So I guess the first question is like, how have you, which seems like you've done so much healing, how have you begun that journey of self-compassion in general and as it relates towards uh motherhood?

SPEAKER_00 14:59

Okay, so first to the to the first part of your question, I would say that in general, when I first started having challenges with parenting, which was, you know, the beginning of parenting basically, when I had a one-year-old, it was very, very difficult for me to have compassion for myself. But even before that, even you know, the the first part of your question is more, you know, even before motherhood, before parenting, how did I have compassion for myself? It took it, I I don't think I even did before I started going to therapy. I don't think I ever really realized the severity of the trauma and how I'm how I should give myself some some grace and some understanding and and just like be kind to myself. I don't think I I really did that because I didn't know that existed. I didn't know I deserved it. I didn't know how to do it. I I I was very like, I was first of all, I was so much in denial about my trauma. But so I'm I'm just gonna move on to the second part of your question because the the parenting is is when I started going for therapy, and that's when I was able to really start giving myself this the not only the space that I needed, but giving myself the compassion and giving myself the time that I needed. And it took a lot of work and self-compassion these days is just looks to me so much different than I did a few years back. Because a few years back I would feel extremely, extremely guilty, extremely as an understatement. Like if I did something remotely like something that I didn't that I myself didn't approve of, but I didn't anyway, and then I would just be so mad at myself, and the guilt feelings were they were insane. I would I would cry myself to sleep and I would just I would be miserable, and then it would happen again again once I calmed down. And I learned to uh understand and realize that people make mistakes, appearance make mistakes, and I I've come to a place where I can say you made a mistake, and we're we're we're gonna try to try not to do it again. But what if it does happen again? How are we gonna what steps are we taking right now? What steps am I taking right now? What am I doing so this shouldn't happen again, or it shouldn't happen as often, or it just you know what am I doing? What what steps am I taking? And usually it's something physical, you know? Either it's hang up a little sign on my fridge in English that would say something along the lines of be kind to yourself or whatever. You know, whatever it is that you need to do to remind yourself that you're human, and whatever you need to do to remind yourself to not repeat those mistakes again. And and yeah, the mistakes happen again. It it's it's not a magic fix, they happen again, but at least you know you did your part in protecting yourself, protecting your kids, protecting your spouse, and just you know, you know you did yours. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:57

Wow, I love that. Like reminders on on the fruit, the sticky notes could be so helpful. What would you say, piggybacking off that question if you're comfortable? Like the pressures in in in both worlds, right? I imagine there's a lot of pressure in the secular world to be a perfect mom and and in the orthodox world, the Hasidic world that I know you're in. And perhaps it's not even the world, right? It's um you it's a it's natural, right, as a mom that you wanna you wanna do things maybe. Do you does that come up for you to want to do things perfectly?

SPEAKER_00 18:28

Yes, definitely. And in parenting specifically, I'm not a perfectionist by nature, but when it comes to third, when it comes to parenting, I expect a lot of myself, but I've also learned to be very compassionate to myself. But I definitely expect a lot in the way of you know, if my husband's not home a certain, you know, the typical time that he's usually home, I'll prepare myself a list of occupations that we can do with a kid so that I don't get overwhelmed or overstimulated and just like prepare, like be prepared for your own good, for your kids' good. But your question, can you rephrase your question a little bit? Sure.

SPEAKER_02 19:11

Um, so I would say, do you feel a lot of pressure? Whether it's just is it well, you you said you do feel the pressure and the perfection. So is it coming from the past trauma to do the opposite? Is it coming from the facidic community of the role as a mom is held very to high standard, or is it like an innate nature as a mother, all of the above?

SPEAKER_00 19:34

So I think it's it's for me at least, yeah, it's a trauma response of whatever was done to me, okay. So I'm gonna run the opposite direction, and I'm gonna do the exact opposite thing, which isn't healthy either, because neither extreme is good, right? Extremes in general are not good. We want to find a middle way, we want to find a center that's good for ourselves, good for our kids, good for our spouses. We we we need to find a mid the middle road, and I think that for me it's a trauma response. I think for a lot of people with trauma, it is automatically a trauma response to want to be perfect. For me, it's not as much like the standards or whatever is normal in the world. I I very much um I don't know how they say it, but walked my own the beat of my own drum or something. So that's a very important thing to me is that I do a lot of things that other people would consider that I'm spoiling my kids or I'm not parenting them in the right way. And and and I get it, you know, I I understand their opinion, but this is what works for me. This is what works for my family. Like, for example, my kids eat all over the house, okay? It is what it is. I do not have the mental energy to fight with them, and I've given up I don't want to fight with them because then if I if I if they do it, then they've then they're spoiled because they didn't listen to me, so they didn't respect my decision not to eat in the rooms or whatever. And now I'm the one, I'm the bad mom that doesn't let them do anything in their eyes, at least. I'm not I'm not that I'm a bad mom for not letting them eat in the rooms, but I'm saying in their eyes, in the kids' eyes, I'm like considering the mom that you're not letting me do anything. Why can't I eat in my bed or whatever? Okay, it's not that they're eating dinner in their bed, I don't mean that. Yeah, they go for big like some people are really strict with not eating in the rooms, and I'm like, I'd rather them eat in the rooms. I'm officially okay with it, so it's not like they're breaking any rules, and then yes, I'll have a harder time cleaning an airplace. Yes, it's okay. I've made peace with that, so that's one of the things. I also let them unpack more than one toy at a time. It's fine, we'll we'll clean up, you know. Some people are very strict with unpacking one toy at a time, and I'm unpack the entire playroom for all I care. We we at the end of the day, we clean everything up. I mean, to be honest, I don't have a playroom, so it's everywhere in the house. But I'm saying, you know, things that don't work for other people, I found that they work for me, and people seem to think that it's really Strange. And I've learned to realize that what may not be the standard or expected of other people, if it works for me and my family and my needs, I'm just gonna go ahead and do it. Like nobody else has to approve of it. If it works for me, my husband, and my kids. There's no one else that has to work to work for. Beautiful.

SPEAKER_02 22:19

Wow, that's so beautiful. Like doing what works for you. Never mind the judgment of others. To piggyback off that, you mentioned, like, okay, unpack one more than one toy. What are if you're comfortable sharing, like what are some activities or ideas that maybe other moms can learn from you or dads that to bond, like for family bonding time and that like attachment, peace, and closeness. Because, you know, we can say love, of course, but I'm curious if you have any ideas that you're comfortable sharing.

SPEAKER_00 22:49

So, first of all, I find that my kids really enjoy when I'm physically just sitting on the floor with them and playing the most mundane, stupidest toys you've ever seen. And so Magnetos, cliques, Legos, those kinds of things. This is tailored to my kids. Obviously, obviously, every kid is different. But my daughter, for example, likes when I color with her. So I'll sit down at the table and I'll color with her. I'll physically color, I'll take a crayon and I'll take a paper and I'll color with her. And she doesn't need anything fancy. They don't need me to take them out for dinner separately. Like, of course, I'll do that once in a while, but it's it's not something that I put on my my weekly thing that you know, take out every kid to dinner. I do make sure to spend time with every kid, like it's either in their bed or right after school. Like right now, I have a good thing where every child is coming home at a different time. So I didn't have that all the time. Like last year, two the two boys came home together, and it was very difficult because I I wasn't I I I'm only able to be at one place at the same time, and I couldn't give them both the exact same attention, and then they would fight over it. So now I'm grateful that they're all coming home at a different time. I'm able to have a minimum of 30 minutes with each kid separately, and it's it does so much good for the rest of the afternoon. It's actually so amazing to see that if I don't do it on a day either because I'm busy with dinner or whatever happens, if I'm not physically there with them, and they're gonna be so crazy for the rest of the afternoon. It's actually astonishing that these 15, 20, 30 minutes make such a big difference in the rest of their day. Wow. So what I'm saying is they I mean, maybe some kids do, but my kids they don't need anything fancy, they just need you to show interest in what their interests are. Wow.

SPEAKER_02 24:38

I mean, and and it just goes again that quality over quantity of time, right? It's 15 minutes. We're not saying so long. I mean, it still could be hard, uh, you know, for sure, not to minimize it, but again, it's that quality time. Wow. So much to learn. And uh would you say, is it sometimes hard to be present? Um, you know, whether it's 15 minutes, uh 30 minutes, like is it hard to be present sometimes? Definitely.

SPEAKER_00 25:04

I'm not gonna say I always have a hard easy time giving them those 15, 20 minutes. Some days I just want to sit on the couch and and some days I'm just like emotionally overstimulated, and I don't want to hear what happened in school, but I will put an effort in because I know that this this is is those 15 minutes really shape the rest of the day, and it's worth it to me to give myself for them for those few minutes and then have a calmer afternoon because I gave them those 15 minutes, but it's definitely challenging some days where I'm just emotionally overstimulated, physically overstimulated, I have too many things to do, I have still to have to cook dinner or whatever it is. And I and and I don't always give it to them, but I definitely put in an effort to to try my best and to give them whatever I can so that they are emotionally stable.

SPEAKER_02 25:59

Yeah, and it's helping them for the rest of their life, and it's both in, right? Like, are there ever some days where you where does that self-compassion piece come in where it's like today I can't? Like, I don't know. Like, do you ever have days where you call in reinforcements, whether a babysitter or your husband, and you're like, today I'm I'm at my capacity?

SPEAKER_00 26:17

Yeah, I definitely do have those days where I just like emotionally check out. But I think that I've come to a point where I don't have to do it as often as I used to, just because you know, for example, I'm in I I I'm in therapy, but not only am I in therapy, I've been in therapy for a while, but I make an effort after therapy, like on the day of therapy, when when we're done with therapy, I make an effort to really internalize everything that we did and like either journal about it, or I don't want to sound fancy, like I don't write for half an hour. It's not what I do, but just like write down some points that I that I did in therapy, like some conclusions that we came to, or you know, whatever it is we did in therapy, and and and just give myself either an hour or even sometimes just 30 minutes, depending on what we did in therapy that week, just to ground myself because I find myself if if if I don't, I'm all over the place after, especially especially the day of therapy, when I'm like right after therapy. I'm like, I'm a mess if I don't do that. Because I I I've left, I've like I've opened the box and it's just everything is out there. So I've really learned how to like obviously with the help of my therapist to just you know put it all away. And my my we, you know, we use the container scenario. I'm sure you've heard of it. We put it in a container and we put it away and then we take it out next week, and you know, it really, really works. But I definitely do take days where I'm emotionally unavailable because yes, I'm a trauma survivor and I have my days, and I give myself compassion for that. I don't expect myself, I don't expect me to be readily available 24-7.

SPEAKER_01 27:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:57

And I think that the kids that are my kids that are at this point well adjusted so that they know when to they understand because they're getting it most days, they understand when I when I can give it to them, they're not gonna throw a temper tantrum. They might be emotionally a little more all over the place, yeah, like I mentioned before, but they won't throw a 10 temper tantrum if I can't give them their 20 minutes. You know, they're they're adjusted enough to know that sometimes mommy needs a day off.

SPEAKER_02 28:26

Yeah. Wow, no, and I and I love that you brought that in. Like the days of therapy could be really hard, and I'm sure many, many would um that would would feel the same way, and that resonates with many people. It's so hard to go into like that mother role after opening up that trauma. So the container analogy and the grounding, you said journaling, like what other types of grounding would you recommend for anyone listening?

SPEAKER_00 28:49

So physically the five senses that's a very important one, at least to me. Getting some fresh air, you digging your feet into the grass. Oh my god, even in the cold. It's so grounding, it's amazing. I'm talking without shoes on, yeah, just like digging your feet into the onto the grass if you have grass, if you don't, no, depends on where you're located. But I do, I have some grass, and it really, really helps. It's cool to value of grass by you.

SPEAKER_02 29:21

I'm in Queens, so so we're we're mostly concrete. So, okay, jumping back in. So, how do you repair a situation with your child when you feel like you didn't handle a situation? So, like to the way you wish you had.

SPEAKER_00 29:35

So, I usually take some time with that kid alone, and we discussed what happened, and we discussed that mommy was emotionally overwhelmed, and it doesn't give me a right to make a mistake, but mistakes do happen, and they know they they make mistakes and mommy makes mistakes, but what I do is that sometimes I catch myself, okay. Actually, that's not your question. Let me just answer your question and then we'll we'll we'll get back to that. Either way, if I do make a mistake and I feel like I've handled something from a a trauma, you know, from a trauma place and not a healthy parenting place, I will have a discussion with that kid and I will explain to that kid that this and this happened, and and mommy mommy made a mistake. I feel like it's okay to set tell kids mommy made a mistake because we are human and humans make mistakes. I know a lot of people disagree with that. I might be opening a can of worms, I don't know. Let's open it. I'm with you. But I think it's really important to be open and honest with kids that moms are human beings and we make mistakes, and if we own up to them, then we're good.

SPEAKER_02 30:42

And it's it allows for that humility. Yeah, it's it's beautiful, yeah. I I uh you know, if someone in the comments wants to share what what they've heard that's anti, that's okay too. You know, so what were you saying before?

SPEAKER_00 30:55

You wanna like go back to so I right uh a lot of times I catch myself right before um, you know, right before crossing the line. And I say to myself, okay, what is gonna happen if you actually cross that line? I'm saying if I catch myself, I'm really lucky because usually when when we're in such a place where like it's a cycle and it just it just goes, and you're not really thinking, oh, I'm gonna make a mistake, it's just it just happens, right? So I think that for me, I I've I've been blessed with awareness. I don't know what else to like what else to call it. It's just something that if I realize myself, I catch myself, I will stop myself and I say to my talk to myself and I say, Do you want to deal with the repercussions later, or do you want to rather work really, really hard in this moment to put yourself back on track and avoid the mistake altogether?

SPEAKER_02 31:49

And when you when you ask yourself that, then what what happens?

SPEAKER_00 31:52

What happens is that most of the time I'll be able to really put myself back on track where I belong. I stop parenting from a place of trauma, I start parenting from a place of you know just being a mother. But sometimes I will still be either so emotionally overwhelmed or so just like mad at a kid because whatever happened, and I'll I'll slip. I'll slip up, and and then we'll we'll we have to do the whole thing of of you know telling them that people make mistakes.

SPEAKER_02 32:21

Yeah, beautiful, you know. Oh, and it's it's so important to highlight that you know the mistakes will happen in parenting just like they happen in any other realm. At work, is it's like what why is it easier at work than as a mom, right? It's so so much more deep in that trauma piece, yeah. Although does it come up at work too, right? Does it well you said you're not a perfectionist by nature, but would you say like mistakes in general? Like, how is it for you?

SPEAKER_00 32:51

So, in general, I will I will really try. I mean, in business, it's not very acceptable to make mistakes, right? Just like it's not in parenting, but the pressure, the pressure is on, so I definitely do strive for perfection in in in work as well, just like I do in my parenting. I expect a lot out of myself, but again, I still make mistakes. We all do. Absolutely, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 33:20

Um, so the next question was and let me know if you want to skip. It was anything you want to unlearn, like from your upbringing, and it like something you want to specifically unlearn, something you want to learn, you want to answer it or skip.

SPEAKER_00 33:35

I I want to learn the happy medium. Okay, I really would want someone to tell me, like, I wish there was just like a magic thing that just tells me I I don't have a good answer to this, but I'm saying I wish there was something that would tell me when I'm doing something wrong and I'm doing something right, because sometimes I just I really don't know. And it's so so hard to know whether you're whether you're doing something the opposite way of the appearance because you felt that it was, you know, not good for you, or whether this is really the right way to do things. And sometimes I just wish that I would have this magic answer from heaven, like, oh, or the like this, this, this something into the future, the look into the future that would tell me, oh, doing this and this is gonna turn your kids into this and that, or whatever. We don't have that, right? So, all I can do, all we can do is just we do our best, we do our part, and we're also really understanding of ourselves when we make mistakes. Beautiful.

SPEAKER_02 34:32

Wow. I I get that fantasy, kind of like that earpiece. Like, tell me we're not for sure. And how do you take care of your emotional needs? So I know you you you touch on this a little bit, right? Like grounding yourself, taking a break. Tell us if you're comfortable like sharing more about taking care of your emotional needs while caring for your children, perhaps like some more self-care ideas, or is there like is there I wonder, does motherhood sometimes this leads to another question? Does motherhood feel lonely sometimes? And with that loneliness, do you have other moms you speak to? So, a couple of questions, right?

SPEAKER_00 35:09

So, so okay, the first question was more about you know, how do I take care of my emotional needs while parenting? So I have this thing where I'll take a bath at 7:30 in the afternoon. Okay, I love that. I will not take it while the kids are asleep because I want to now tell myself that I'm taking a break not only from the kids, but I'm taking a break from everything, and I'm going to the bath at 7:30 in the afternoon. I'm not kidding. And they whistle around and I have my music in my in my ears, and I'm just I'm zoned out. How do they behave? Well, I'm my I'm talking when there's another adult in the house, obviously. I don't just leave them at 7:30 in the afternoon and do a dude, do my thing. No, I don't do that. Obviously, this is very difficult if you're a single parent or if you don't have your spouse home at a time where you want that, but if you do, I really recommend it.

SPEAKER_02 36:04

Wow, someone just someone just said a joke. 7:30 is the evening. You said afternoon. Does it feel like the afternoon, 7:30?

SPEAKER_00 36:12

I I I think that what what what I do is I specifically do my self-care things, not when I'm around my kids, but when I and a time when I'm supposed to be around my kids. If I have my husband home, I will take 15 minutes to myself, even if it's not a bath. If I can't afford a bath, if my husband has to go out to Loren or to Daven or to whatever, I will take some time for myself, even if it's just 15 minutes, just going to the room and just like either scroll on my phone or just just disconnect from the from the chaos outside.

SPEAKER_02 36:47

Wow. I mean, I I love the bath idea. It's it's courageous, right? To say like, I'm not also you're saying, and tell me if this resonates or not, is it that you're saying I'm gonna ignore the noise and let myself relax, even though it's noisy outside the door? Yeah, pretty much. Wow.

SPEAKER_00 37:06

What was your second question? Yes, is it lonely as a mom? Okay, so it used to be, sometimes it still still is, but honestly, a couple of I would say maybe maybe a year or two ago, or one and a half year ago, I have to check. I created this WhatsApp chat for parents who have had a trauma traumatic past because I think that we sometimes feel really lonely. And it's a chat where we have a therapist on the group so that you know it's it's like moderated, like it doesn't go off topic or whatever, um, and nobody shares anything, you know, that's triggering. So it's basically just sharing, asking for advice on how to, you know, when you're when you're feeling overwhelmed with emotion and you know you're parenting from a trauma place, you can ask for advice and people just like respond, you know, people just give you the push to like round yourself and and and you know, rewire your brain and just like regroup and they just they help you that that kind of thing. So I don't feel lonely anymore because if if some if a day on a day where I'm just feeling really overwhelmed, I'll just use that as my support system.

SPEAKER_02 38:16

Wow, I love that, and that's so easy to just reach out. Is that like a paid thing? Like if anyone's listening that wants to join, is that like a paved type thing?

SPEAKER_00 38:26

It's open to anyone. Well, anyone, if you're a parent and you feel like you are you have trauma that's affecting your parenting, you're welcome to join. Beautiful.

SPEAKER_01 38:35

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 38:37

So my favorite question is any advice you have for other parents like trying to break generational trauma, right? And like healing from that place of love. What are your tips and advice?

SPEAKER_00 38:51

So, first though, first, what I would say is don't compare yourself to others because we all have our own journey, and you may have gone through something very similar to someone else, and you may have two completely different journeys in life, and it is there is absolutely no point. I mean, you can take inspiration from people, of course, but don't compare yourself to others, like, oh look, she's healed already, or she's done so much work, and and and she's she's she's gone through so much, and look where she's at. Every person is different, every trauma is different, every person's life is different, every person's support system is different. That's the first thing. And the second thing is give yourself time. These things are unfortunately, I hate to break it to you, they are not magic fixes, they take time, therapy takes time, healing, generational trauma takes time, breaking cycles takes time, you know, rewiring your brain with new neural pathways and and just really teaching your brain that this is a trauma response and let's do this instead is really hard. It's really hard work, it's not easy. And I think we need to give ourselves the the time that our brains need and the understanding that it's not a magic fix. And if you want to break generation, if you want to heal and if you want to break the the cycles, just you know, give yourself time and really put the work in, and and you'll see results.

SPEAKER_01 40:19

Beautiful.

SPEAKER_02 40:21

I I've definitely taken a lot of inspiration from you. You know, this is this was so beautiful and eye-opening, and it's incredible how you share so vulnerably. Like, you know, on this live, I've I've heard you on other platforms and podcasts. What's it like for you to be open about your journey?

SPEAKER_00 40:38

Depends on the day. Most of the days it's good after the latest YouTube video came out. Feedback has been overwhelming, mostly good, some bad. I'm I'm dealing with that, but it's been tough, honestly.

SPEAKER_02 40:52

Yeah, no, and I I so appreciate what tough week. And I appreciate Kava Khomer, you know, that you that you agree to this after that. So really like thank you so much. And like Kolakavod, you really are such an inspiration to me. And and I and I see so many others. You have over I saw 5,000 followers, and and you want to share. I could I'll also we'll try to save this and I'll tag your photography business as well. What's the handle? Captured photography, but it it's in my profile, so whoever wants you to find it. Yeah, and I I've seen such gorgeous pictures. Yeah, and this was this was so amazing. So, any other like comments, anything else you wanted to add to this live?

SPEAKER_00 41:32

Uh, somebody asked in the comments how long you've been in practice for because she looks really young. I don't know supplement.

SPEAKER_02 41:39

Oh, for me, yeah, that's so funny. I don't know how come I didn't see that. I wonder, is there a way that you get some messages? I don't think maybe because I started the live. That's so funny. So I've been in practice for over three years, but yeah, I guess uh thank you that I look young. But yeah, so you know, let's see if we could save this. How does that sound?

SPEAKER_00 42:00

Right, yeah, I will. I will once I I finish, there's gonna be gonna be an option to save it. So I will save it and I will tag you.

SPEAKER_02 42:07

Amazing. Thank you so much. It was lovely talking with you. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 42:12

Thanks for tuning in on Layus Couch. Whether you swap down emotionally or actually.