The Friendship Episode You Didn't Know You Needed | Ep. 16

We all want real, deep, meaningful friendships—but do we actually know what that looks like?

Friendship isn’t just about funny memes, shared interests, or convenient connections—it’s about loyalty, depth, and showing up when it matters. So why do so many of us struggle to find real, lasting friendships?

In this episode, we’re challenging everything you thought you knew about friendship, including:

• Why modern culture has redefined friendship—and not for the better.
• The hard truth about why making friends as an adult feels impossible.
• What history, philosophy, and psychology reveal about deep, meaningful connection.
• The difference between true friendships and surface-level bonds—and why both matter.
• How to stop settling for transactional relationships and build friendships that actually last.

If you’ve ever wondered why friendship feels so complicated, or why you keep outgrowing people, this episode is for you. 

It’s time to rethink, redefine, and rebuild the friendships you truly deserve.

Listen now and learn what it really means to be—and have—a true friend.

References: 

• Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy - Entry on Friendship
• "How To Be a Friend" by Marcus Tullius Cicero

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Forget everything you thought you knew about friendship. Because the way we've been taught to see friendship, the way it's portrayed in movies, in music, and social media, it's nothing like it was meant to be. Somewhere along the way, we turn friendship into a flex, into something we collect, something we showcase. But real friendship, it was never about clout. It was never about networking. It was never about who makes you look good. Friendship was supposed to be about connection, about choosing someone, not because of what they can do for you, but simply because you care about their well-being. And yet, we live in a world where friendship has become shallow, performative, and transactional. So let's strip all that away and get to the truth. Because real friendship isn't what you think it is. Welcome to Renovating the Soul, where we turn the mess into something meaningful. So clearly, we are going to be talking about friendship. And before we talk about how to build meaningful friendships, we have to address an elephant in the room. We have to address why so many of us feel disconnected from friendships in the first place. It's the loneliness epidemic. And we have to start by being completely honest. People do not like talking about loneliness. It's a hard subject. It doesn't feel good to have to say that you're lonely. Because admitting you're lonely feels like admitting that you failed at something as basic as connection, something that we were made for. But here's the thing: loneliness isn't just a personal struggle, it's a cultural one. We live in a time where we're more connected than ever. Yet somehow loneliness is at an all-time high. You don't believe me? Like, let's let's talk about some of these things, these stats and some observations is that studies show that loneliness is as deadly as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. It literally can destroy your health. We live in the most digitally connected era, yet depression, anxiety, and social isolation are skyrocketing. Social media is tricking us into thinking that we have community, but most of those relationships are shallow. You ever call your person like my social media friend? You never met them in person. That's not really a your friend. Being in a crowded room doesn't mean you aren't lonely. Loneliness is about depth, not proximity. We can be at parties and functions and be hosting even in our own homes and still be lonely. But let's get into why. Because lonely isn't just about not having people around. It's deeper than that. So some of the reasons why people feel lonely even when they're surrounded by other people is the lack of depth in relationships, where you're having shallow conversations, surface-level connections, no real vulnerability in these relationships. There's also the disconnection from yourself, where some people are lonely because they don't know themselves. There's also, and I've talked about this being my struggle before, is the fear of rejection that, you know, if you're like me, you crave connection, but you avoid it out of fear of being hurt or misunderstood. And I know many of us, I'm sure, have experienced past betrayal or trauma. If you've been burned before, hurt before, then you hesitate to trust again. They're just gonna treat me the same way. And then there's some of us, we we self-isolate without even realizing it, you know, claiming that we're protecting our peace, but we end up pushing people away completely. And y'all, most people don't even realize how lonely they are because they've gotten so used to it. They scroll, we scroll to distract ourselves, we surround ourselves with people to avoid sitting in our own silence. But deep down, something is missing, something that we can't quite name. And that's where we start. Loneliness isn't just about being alone, it's about feeling unknown, feeling like no one truly sees you. And that's why deep friendship is so important because real connection breaks the illusion that we're alone in our experiences. And personally, I have felt lonely. I would say I had felt lonely for a long time. And in the description, I'm gonna share my old blog from like 10 years ago. And my first entry in that blog is called loneliness. I don't remember the full title, but I I think it, I think I just titled it loneliness. And I talked about exactly this how as a kid, you know, middle school, high school years, I felt especially lonely. Like no one understood me, like no one got me. You know, being a teenage girl and the only girl in my house, um, you know, amongst my brothers and my my mom and dad, but the only girl, you know, child, I felt particularly alone. And I've always been the person who called everyone friend and best friend because I've longed for those connections. Um, I am that person that had like five or six best friends, and it wasn't until later when people be like, girl, what? How do you have that many best friends? Um, that I really started to be like, maybe I should be careful, like maybe I should be careful about how, you know, like calling people friends. Like maybe I should think about that. But even now that I don't feel I don't feel as lonely now in my 30s because I am married to my best friend, so that feels really good. But friendships outside of that, I have been in a dry season of friendship, especially when I started to, from my own personal knowledge, do a deep dive on what friendship really is. Because I thought I had an idea of it, I thought that I knew what it meant, I thought that I was striving for those things, and in many ways I was. In some ways, I wasn't. In some ways, I had the superficial ideas and you know, the things that I've already talked about, the culture, what they tell you friendship is supposed to be and what it's supposed to look like. But when I also kept finding myself on the other end of friendships that kept crumbling, I had to start really evaluating are these really friendships? Because what's the foundation of them? It can't be strong if like one thing happens and we can't really talk about it. And that's what I long for. And so I'm saying that just to say that I know what it feels like to be in a dry season of friendship, to have to look around and realize that um you don't have the kind of friendships that you want or need. I've been there, I am there, and it's not just about being alone, as I said, it's about feeling unseen, like there's no one who truly knows you. Um and it wasn't until I went through that season, and as I'm going through this season, I have I am coping better with it when I first had to realize that I really struggled. But as I'm going through this season, I have realized that deep friendships, they don't just appear. It's not about going to one party or one event and clicking with someone and exchanging text messages and going to brunch and going to lunch and going out and thinking that that's deep friendship. And deep friendship, they it has to be built. And sometimes you have to go through the waiting season before the right ones come. And so, for anyone like me, sitting in this moment, knowing that you don't have the deep connections that you desire and have been desiring for a long time, I hope that you will sit in anticipation of either thing, of the potential that you can find the friendships that you want. But part of me as an adult also has to accept the fact and the reality that that may never come. That the deep friendship that I've been longing for and looking for may not come. And that's okay too. But that's not the point of today, right? Today we're talking about what friendship really is, how deep, how real, how rare friendship is. And I think that's why this not knowing this keeps so many of us plagued in the idea that making friends is so hard. No, making surface level friends is not hard, but making deep friends is not hard in the sense that it's impossible. It's hard in the sense that it takes work. So let's talk more about how do we get here? How did friendships go from something deeply meaningful to something so shallow? And we have to look at our present times and say, you know, you know, friendship used to be about connection, but now it's about convenience. It's about clout, as I've said. It's about who looks good next to you rather than who actually stands beside you when life falls apart. And our culture has had a way of distorting friendship in that, you know, TV and movies, they show friendship is fun and effortless and always exciting. They never show the work. And when they do show what I think they would presume is work, it's often a bit shallow or it's a bit easy, right? I I envy the shows when they um, you know, you have that friend who can give a monologue and they still stay friends. Like uh there was a movie called Um The Supremes. It's not about the Supremes, the senior group, but it's a it's called The Supremes. I cannot remember the full title of it. I want to say it's a lifetime or VH1 movie, but it's on Hulu. I know that for sure. And the ending scene, one of the friends, she has cancer, and the end one of the last scenes, they she, I mean, she says some stuff she ain't told her friends in years. Like she lays them out in a way I've not seen in a movie. And she she and anyways, I get envious and and jealous. I should say jealous more than envious. Um, I do I did I get jealous of those kind of monologues and conversations because in real life, trying to work with somebody like trying to work on a friendship, trying to hold someone accountable, trying to have those deep conversations and really do the work and work through conflict is not that easy. People, anyways, I don't want to get too ahead of myself, but um we'll just I'll leave that there. So I'm you know, to make sure we're all on the same page. I'm talking about how our culture has distorted friendships. So we started with TVs and movies, you know. Many of us are on social media, and friends are now an aesthetic. If they don't fit your brand, they don't fit your life. It's kind of how it is. Um, we also have this, which I'm gonna push against this. I'm gonna push against this for the culture. Um, this protect your peace mindset. I think that it has become an excuse to cut off anyone who challenges, challenges us, excuse me. That you know you are wrong and someone tries to say you're wrong, you cut them off, and it's not I had to protect my peace because oh oh girl, I had to protect my peace because he said and I had to. I think we've distorted that a lot. Um, and then another example would be instant gratification that if someone isn't immediately fun, exciting, or useful, we don't invest. We want the the quick, like I just said, we want the instant gratification. We want that instant good feeling, we want those good vibes. How many times they are you bringing the vibes? Do you have the vibes? Like, what if someone what if who someone is becomes more apparent when you get to know them? You know, we write people off so fast without ever wondering to ourselves, is there is there is there something I'm missing? Like, is there more to this? And we're in an era where the moment a friendship requires work, the moment someone holds us accountable, the moment things get hard, people are quick to say, like I said, this is disrupting my peace, and they just simply walk away. But can we be real? Are we protecting our peace or are we protecting our ego? Because let's not pretend that most people aren't cutting off toxic friendships, like they will have you to believe. No, they're cutting off friendships that require emotional labor, friendships that challenge them, friendships that hold a mirror up and say, Hey, you were wrong for that. And instead of learning how to navigate hard conversations, people just walk away thinking they're healed, but really they're just avoiding growth. And here are some hard truths. Growth is uncomfortable. Growth is hard. If you have been listening to this podcast for a while, then you know that we talk about that all the time. I never once try to tell y'all that growth is easy. And if we, if you run from every uncomfortable situation, if you run from every uncomfortable friendship, then you'll never have a real one. The same way that if we run from growth, we'll never have a real life. Life is all about growth. We talk about that in in the roots episode. We can see it in nature. Growth is a part of life. Another hard truth is that friendships aren't supposed to be drama-free all the time. This is something that I wish someone would have told me is that conflict isn't toxic. It's how you handle it that determines whether the friendship is toxic. And for a girl like me who struggled with conflict and conflict resolutions, who does not stick up for herself, who is a people pleaser, and just all these like issues, as you know, especially in high school, really struggling to find my voice and speak up for myself, it always felt like conflict was a bad thing. But it's not, it's not toxic, it's how you handle it. And last little hard truth in this section is that cutting off people does not mean you're healed. It just means you won't have anyone left to call when you actually need a friend. So let's be honest. Like, let's ask ourselves again are we protecting our peace? Or are we just making sure we never have to confront our own flaws? This is also why marriage is hard for a lot of people. When you get married, it is like having a mirror next to you all the time because this is someone who sees you behind closed doors in your most vulnerable, vulnerable moments, and sometimes that is so uncomfortable for people that they'd rather get out than stay in it. Sometimes and I would probably say most times it's not about the other person, it's about themselves. But we I want to stick on to marriage, but I just I mean, sorry, I want to stick on to friendship, but I just wanted to put that there. So if all of this like superficial, these superficial things, these cultural things is what we've been taught about friendship, then we have to talk about what friendship was actually meant to be. So we've broken down like why so many of us are lonely, that feeling of disconnection, that struggle within, not feeling understood. We've exposed how friendship has become shallow and performative. But again, if that's not what friendship is, then we have to talk about what was it meant to be. So, as I like to do, we're gonna take it back to ancient wisdom. And I I did this on purpose. This again, this was my own personal journey. I wanted to know what did the philosophers, what even does even the Bible, which we're gonna talk about later, because there's beautiful writings in the Bible, you know, people Christian or not use the Bible, but I wanted to go back and I wanted to look at what did they say about friendship before social media, before you know politics in the way that we have it now, before popularity contest and all the things, right? Like I wanted to see what was friendship supposed to be, what what is it, what were the philosophers wrestling between and wrestling with? And I'm gonna put a resource in the um about two resources. There's a book that I read on friendship, and there is an article that I read on friendship, and the article is a philosophical article where they tell you different ideas, and so again, it's one of those things where you look at the conclusions of these arguments, and then uh they're not really telling you what you have to think, you have to form your own opinions and and I would say your own idea of what friendship is based upon the research and the facts, right? Um, but I'm gonna put those two resources in there so you can do your own studying and reading and really soak in uh just the I I know it's not pure, but that's how I see it. It's just like the untainted idea of friendship. So let's get into it again. We're gonna take it back to some ancient wisdom wisdom. So, first of all, friendship's not a new idea. That's the first thing we we have to say. People have been wrestling with this meaning for centuries, and one of the most insightful breakdowns of friendship comes from Aristotle. He believed that there were three kinds of friendship, and when you hear them, you might start to see where your friendships fall. So the first one is friendship of utility. This is based on mutual benefits, so work connections, collaborations. These friendships serve a purpose, and once that purpose is gone, so is the connection. Second is friendship of pleasure. This is based on enjoying each other's company, this is party friends, hobby friends, you know, like your soccer team or your tennis friends or your, you know, Saturday night friends, your brunch friends. These friendships thrive on shared interest and fun experiences, but they often fade when life changes, when you're no longer interested in a thing, or when, you know, let's say, you know, you had your football buddy, and then when you get injured in football because you no longer can because you no longer can play and you all don't share that interest, and that friendship fades because life has changed for you, but for them it hasn't. And so that would be friendship of pleasure, friendship of virtue. This is based on deep mutual respect, accountability, and growth. These are the friendships that withstand time and trials because they are rooted in genuine care for each other's well-being, not just circumstances or convenience. And if you guessed it, that is the friendship, the type of friendship that we are talking about. That is the type of friendship that we're striving for. And I think it's important to note here that if you want to know the quality of your character, look at the people closest to you. Our friendships are not random, they are reflections. We naturally attract the kinds of people who align with our current values, our habits, and our mindset. So before we can even talk about deep friendships, we have to ask, what do our current friendships say about us? And if you have to pause it, if you have to take a second to really think about that, please do it and come back. And the truth is, friendships don't just reflect who we are, they shape who we become. Some of us have been stunted in our own growth because we keep choosing friends who reinforce our worst traits instead of sharpening our best ones. And on that flip side, the right friendships can be the thing that pushed us into our next level of growth. As we've talked about in previous episodes, friendships, family relationships, um, faith relationships, that like connections, no matter where they are, are so essential to our being, to our being on this earth, to our thriving, to our, you know, being enabled and being stunted and held back. I mean, it is so a part of who we are, we can't escape it. And this is why Aristotle said that virtuous friendships, the deepest kinds of friendships, are built on character. Because real friends don't just celebrate you where you are, they challenge you to grow into who you're meant to be. Here's the thing most people don't move beyond those first two the friendship of utility and the friendship of pleasure. Not because they don't want to, not because we don't want. To, but because they don't even realize there's more. No one teaches us how to cultivate friendships of depth. We fall into friendships because of shared spaces, school, work, hobbies, but we're rarely taught how to be intentional about building friendships that go beyond that. And if you're realizing now that most of your friendships fall into the first two categories, please give yourself grace. You can't build something deeper if you didn't even know it existed. But if you're listening to this episode, now that you do, you have the power to change it. So ask yourself: are your friendships built on benefits or on fun? Or are they built on something deeper? And more importantly, how can you start building the kind of friendships that last? And if this is truly what friendship was meant to be, then why are so few of us experiencing it? Everybody wants deep friendships. And and to be to be fair and safe, I'll say most of us want deep friendships until we realize what it takes to build one. We love the idea of friendship that's always easy and fun and uplifting, but real friendships, the ones that last, they cost us something. They take sacrifice, they take commitment, and sometimes they even take pain. The cost of real friendship. Let's talk about this. I'm gonna make a few points here. Number one, time. You can't build deep friendship without showing up consistently. Number two, vulnerability. Surface level connections are easy. Just saying hi to somebody at a party, connecting with someone really quick, like I said, a quick brunch or a lunch or a breakfast, whatever it is, you know, going out to eat, hanging out on a holiday. Those are easy. But letting someone truly see you, that's hard. Number three, accountability. Some of y'all don't, some of y'all don't like that. Some of us don't like that accountability word. Not me, but some of some of some people out there don't like the idea of accountability. And we see this all the time. Um, but a real friend is not just someone who's gonna hype you up, they're gonna call you out. Are you willing to hear the truth? And then number four, emotional labor, which I know is hard, and I know a lot of us make an excuse for this as well because we say, Well, I'm already going through enough. But you have to be willing to go through the emotional labor because there will be misunderstandings, hard conversations, and moments of tension. But are you willing to work through them instead of just walking away? This is why so many people stay in those surface-level friendships, because deep friendships require something most people aren't willing to give discomfort, growth, the willingness to push through hard moments instead of running from them. And this is why having a lot of friends is almost impossible. And of course, this is me talking to the little girl in me. This is me telling that girl in high school that, like, all these people are not your best friends. I I wish that I would have known that that truthfully you will likely only have one, maybe two or three people in your lifetime who truly know you at this deeper, more intentional level, and that's okay because that's how I think it was intended to be. And I need you to hear me when I say this. I'm gonna I'm gonna um hit y'all real hard with grace because I don't want you to leave this episode feeling down and hopeless. Yes, process, yes, think about it. But please, if you are sitting here and you're realizing that you don't have a single friendship that falls into these categories of deep, meaningful, true connection, I know how painful it is. Yes, it's heartbreaking, yes, it's lonely, but it's also a beautiful wake-up call. As I mentioned, you don't have to just stay stuck anymore, you get to do something about it, you get to be intentional about building it. And trust me when I say that it's worth the cost. If my only deep friendship is with my husband, with Quincy, that's okay. At least I have one person who knows me so well, one person who loves me and is in this relationship and in this friendship because he cares about me and I him, and not ten people trying to use me, or ten people who really don't know me and don't care. I will take one over the many. And some of us have prayed for deep friendships. But what happens when the answer to that prayer shows up as a friend who challenges you? A friend who doesn't just tell you what you want to hear, but a friend who holds you accountable because that's the cost. And if you're not ready to pay it, then you're not ready for true friendship, and that's okay too. You have to be honest with yourself about where you are and what you're willing to give. And if real friendship is this costly, then don't wonder why so many people struggle to find it. So let's talk about how to build the kind of friendships that last. Hopefully, and maybe by now you're realizing that true friendship isn't about finding the right people, it's about building real connection with the right foundation. First, starting with the right foundation in yourself. And if we want friendships that last, then we must be willing to build them the right way. And strong friendships are built on several things, but I want to talk about just a few here. Intentionality, friendships don't maintain themselves. If you don't nurture them, they die. Also, I'm just saying next, mutual effort. I love this friendship isn't 50 50. It's 100-100 because both people must invest. This is not about halfsies, this is not about shared like responsibility. This is about I have 100% responsible, I'm 100% responsibility, and you have 100% responsibility that we both are showing up, and that showing up is based on our care, like your care, our care for each other. Not from what I can get from you, not from what I can gain, not from how pretty you are, not from how popular you are, but because I care about you, your well-being. As I write, build the foundation, get to know who you are. Um, next is honest communication. You cannot have deep connection without real conversations, period. The next is loyalty through seasons. A strong friendship can weather change if both people are committed, given that 100-100, that mutual effort. And not every friendship has to be deep. I want to make this clear. Some friendships are situational, but they are built on fun, work, or just common interests, and that's okay. But if you're looking for deep, lasting friendships, those must be built with intention. So it's another thing that you can ask yourself: have I been waiting for the perfect friend to appear, or have I been investing in the people already in my life? And some of you, if you're realizing that your friendships aren't as deep as you want them to be, or maybe you don't have any friendships at all, then you might also be asking, where do I even start? Like Alexandria, I hear you. You didn't open up this can of worms, you didn't debunk what I what I thought I knew about friendship. Where do I even start? And the answer, sorry, the answer is simple, but it's not easy, right? We already know that everything's gonna take work, right? But here's some places where you can start. Start by being the kind of friend you're looking for. In all of our relationships, everything we do in life will always start with us. It starts first with your own character, your own priorities. What are you looking for in life? Are you just looking for a friend who is fun? Or if you want something deeper, are you willing to give something deeper? Are you willing to go through the conflict, the hard conversations? Are you able to take the criticism? And if you know that you're not now, would you be willing to do that alongside someone who you knew cared about you? So you start by being the kind of friend that you're looking for. If you want a friend who checks in on you, start checking in on people. If you want a friend who listens deeply, why don't you start listening more? If you want a friend who was loyal, why don't you show up with loyalty first? Friendships are reflections, as I've already said. And so if you want deep, meaningful friendships, you have to embody that first. Next, and I've hinted at this, you start with the people already in your life. Instead of looking for new friendships and trying to go out and you know collect more people, why don't you ask, who in my life could I invest in more? Who do I already have history with, but haven't deepened the connection? You don't always need new friends. Sometimes you just need to go deeper with the right people. You can also start by making small intentional efforts. Send a text, plan a coffee meetup, ask someone how they're really doing and mean it. And as much as I I don't think I've done this on the podcast, but as much as I grumble about my time in Oregon and how much I've not enjoyed it, one of the things that being here taught me and going through like different jobs and courses and just and like trainings, one of the things that they do very well here is that idea of not just asking someone how they're doing just to hear the response. But if you're going to ask someone how they're really doing, you need to be ready for that response, whether it's good or whether it's bad. And I started doing this to people. When someone would ask me how I was doing, and if I wasn't doing good, I'd be like, I'm not doing good or whatever. And you could see the difference between the people who are really asking because they truly cared about you versus the people who were only asking because it was just a question to them, just a formality to them. And so when when I when I'm saying that you can ask someone how they're really doing, right? We don't just take the service level answer, good. What does good mean? What is going on in your life? And you really listen and you mean it and you're there. Um, some other small intentional efforts you can make is that you know, can be consistent. Relationships aren't built. Um, sorry, relationships are built in these small, consistent moments, not grand gestures. Um, and friendship isn't about one big deep conversation, which I have had so much in my friendships where we had that one big heart to heart, and you feel like now we're friends again. I mean, not again, but like now we're really friends because we've had this deep heart to heart. Um, but it's not just one big conversation, it's built in the small everyday moments. Start small, start now. And for the friendships that I have that are still growing and evolving, I can say that I'll shout out one of my friends, Lisa. You know, we have our boys of like the same age, and we each have we both have boys. So, and I think they're I think they're the same, like like we were pregnant at the same time with our first, we were closely pregnant with our second, and then we were not too far apart with our third, and then I went on and had a fourth, and she was like, nah, I'm calling it quits. And Lisa and I met in a hair store, not a hair store, sorry, we met at the hair salon, we had the same hairdresser, and our hairdresser connected us, and that friendship, you know, started out, you know, where we just we went to lunch and we had motherhood and connection. But over the years that I've known Lisa, let's see, oh my gosh, our kids are six, gonna be seven this year. So I've known Lisa for oh my goodness, seven or eight years, because I don't remember what year we met, if we met close to the end of our pregnancies, but um, you know, our conversations, we can talk about work, right? We can move out of motherhood, we can talk about, you know, getting to the heart of things, right? Like I feel like if Lisa says something, I can correct her, right? She can correct me. And I love Lisa because she's so different than me in a lot of ways, where she shows up in a special and meaningful way. And I feel like I'm that friend who I really sit, I really listen, I really remember. That is very important for me. I really remember certain details and things about a person. And so I'm just using that as an example because as I'm saying this, right? These small intentional efforts, it starts just like that, where your conversations may start based on your simple commonalities of being pregnant or having children or being at the same job or having the same interests, same hobbies. Um, and then as time goes and you get to learn this person's character and they get to see you, and you do decide that this is a friendship that I want to invest in, you build it with these small conversations and check-ins, and and those things can evolve, right? Where sometimes we're having a conversation throughout the day, and then other times we're just doing simple check-ins because we're both moms and wives and and and working full time and all the other things that come with it. Um, and so start small, start now. Most people are waiting for deep friendships to just happen. But deep friendships, they don't just happen, they are built, they take time, they take effort, and they require you to show up, even when it's inconvenient. One of the greatest examples of deep lasting friendship, we see it in the Bible. David and Jonathan. I actually got the idea to share this story from hearing it again in my son's Bible course. And I just love this story of David and Jonathan. Um, we've already talked about what real friendship is, we've talked about how to build it, but sometimes the best way to understand something is to, you know, that isn't to define it, but to see it in action. And so here we have David and Jonathan, and what made their friendship so different is that there was loyalty over status. Um, Jonathan was the son, and if you're not familiar with this, you can find the story in the Bible. Um, but Jonathan was an in 1st Kings and 2nd Kings, I believe. But Jonathan was the son of King Saul and the rightful heir to the throne, yet he chose loyalty to David over his own birthright. And if you're not familiar with the story, then I'll give just a little more context that Saul was the king, and there was a I'm gonna put this in just my own modern terms. Um Saul's reign was coming to an end, and Saul was supposed to give it to David, but instead Saul hated David, and David was running from Saul, even though he couldn't understand why Saul wanted to kill him. And Jonathan was the son of King Saul, and he like didn't follow in his dad's footsteps to try to take over the throne. He chose loyalty to David because he believed that David was meant to be the next king, which is what was said or prophesied. Um, so again, that there was loyalty over status, and then in their relationship, there was protection and sacrifice that when King Saul wanted to kill David, Jonathan risked his own life to protect him. And then there was celebration, not competition. Jonathan did not see David as a threat, he saw him as a brother. And there was this commitment through hardship that even when David had to flee, their friendship didn't waver. And for many of us, or I should say, I really don't know how many people are experiencing this, but I would say for some of us who went to college in a different state than where we lived, or you know, for us who have formed those friendships in college or in high school or in certain places, and then you're separated by distance and time, it can feel really hard, even being in the same state as people. Like I mentioned, my friend Lisa, we don't see each other all the time because she's you know about 45 minutes an hour from me, which is not that long, so don't y'all judge us, but you know, in between that though, you know, we're working full-time, we have our children again, we're wives, we're trying to do all the things for our households, you know, and all these things, right? And so another thing about you know, Jonathan and David's friendship that I want to encourage you all about is that friendship can survive time and distance. And Jonathan and David's friendship, it endured despite separation, danger, and time. And some of our best friendships, y'all, we will not be the ones where we see each other every day. It'll be the ones that never change, no matter how much time or distance passes. And I feel like for for those listening, for people in my generation, a lot of us experience that that some of the people that we have cherished the most and become and we're closest to at once in a season. There's now that distance in time. But again, real friendships can can make it through those. And so to wrap up this little part, like Jonathan had every reason to turn on David power, position, family expectations, okay? Who's going against their family, right? But he didn't. Because true friendship is not about what's convenient, it's about what's right. And if you want to know what true friendship looks like, ask yourself do the people around you protect you even when it's costing them something? Do they celebrate you even when you're winning in areas where they're struggling? Do they stick with you even when life gets messy? Y'all, those are loaded questions. I hope that you would write them down, pause, take a moment, because even for me, that question, do they celebrate you even when you're winning in areas where they're struggling? It just makes me stop in my tracks because I feel like so many of my friendships have been based on, have not had that element. Let's just say it like that. So let's bring this full circle. What are you going to do with this? We started this episode by dismantling everything we've been taught about friendship. Now I'll leave you with this. Friendship was never meant to be a transaction, it was meant to be a covenant, a bond, a commitment. And if your friendships aren't built on that, then it's time to start rethinking who you let into your life and who you choose to show up for. We live in a culture where people think a good friend is just someone who hypes you up and makes you feel good. But the Bible literally says, and it's a proverb, I want y'all to hear this wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. Meaning that a real friend will tell you the truth even when it's hurt, sorry, even when it hurts. And that's better. That you can trust your friend who is willing to tell you the truth even when it hurts. But the people who only flatter you, those might be your biggest threat. Those enablers in our life, as we talked about before, those are probably the people you want to steer away from. Think about that. The ones who always agree with you, the ones who never challenge you, the ones who only tell you what you want to hear, might not be your friends at all. The ones who enable you in your mess and your drama and your trauma and never encourage you and push you to grow, who almost seem who almost seem uncomfortable when you start to grow, they may not be your friends at all. They might just be keeping you comfortable. And sometimes, most times, that's more dangerous than an enemy. Y'all, real friendships aren't just about the good times. They're about standing in the fire with each other. They're about sharpening, refining, and making each other better. So as you move forward after this episode, read that book, read that episode. I mean, sorry, read that episode, read that book and read that article and some other resources, right? There's lots out there. I recommend the two that I had because it's based on again the philosophy of friendship and not just all of these again, you know, new age ideas. But as you're doing that and as you're moving forward, I want you to ask. Yourself, am I just looking for people to fill space in my life? Or am I willing to build the kind of friendships that mean something? Because at the end of the day, friendship isn't about who's around when life is fun, it's about who's still standing when everything falls apart. But before you sit with the weight of all this, because I know this was probably a little heavy, maybe a little sad, and that's okay. We've already talked about emotions. Lean into whatever feelings you're having. But I want to remind you and encourage you that real friendships do exist. It might take time, it might take intentionality, it might take a season of being alone before the right people come, but it's worth it. You are not too much, you are not too late, and you are not alone. The right friendships aren't just found, they're built. So what kind of foundation are you laying? And I hope that that's encouraging for us. If we stop seeing things as a hindrance and we start seeing things as a beautiful blessing and as an opportunity, it will shift our mindset about how we approach them. What am I saying? If we stop seeing friendships or lack thereof as a sad thing and a heartbreaking thing, and internalizing it as that means I'm not good enough and I don't have worth, and we instead see friendship how it's meant to be as an opportunity to work hard and build a relationship and invest simply because I care about the person, that is such a beautiful thing and an opportunity to help me grow as a person, right? In my own character, but to be someone who can see the best in people and be there for someone and be the challenge they need, but to also get that again, knowing that it's not based on my makeup palette, knowing that it's not based on my new shoes, knowing that it's not based on the position I have, me being their sub uh superior, me having something that they want. It's not about my money, my status, it's not about how funny I am, it's not about me being able to sing, that it's not about any of these things, but it's simply because they care about my well-being and I to them. So if this episode hit home for you, I challenge you, reach out to one person today, not for small talk, not for a favor, but just to check in, just to be a friend. Because deep friendships don't just happen, they're built one moment at a time. And if you want to go deeper, then I want to invite you to join my email list. You can go to renovatingtheul.com and sign up. I do a journal prompt for almost every episode, and I do have a journal prompt for this episode. So if you want that journal prompt and you want to go deeper, please sign up for the email list. If you want the prompt, like right away, when you sign up from to the email list and you get the email, just email me and say, Could you give me the journal prompt for the friendship episode? I want us to go deeper on this together. I want us to sit with this. I don't want us to run from the hard things. I want us to lean into the hard things, lean into the sadness, lean into the frustration, and lean into it again as an opportunity for growth, as an opportunity for change, as an opportunity for evolvement. If you know someone who could use this episode, please share it and send it to them. Follow us on Instagram at Renovating the Soul and connect with me outside of the podcast. If you want to talk more, if you want to ask me a question, I am here with you all and I want to be on this journey with you all because I again I really do know what it's like to feel alone and to feel like no one understands what you're striving for. But if you are like me and you are striving for more, um, I want to connect with you. And so until next time, let's keep doing the work to renovate our soul. But let's also keep working towards building a stronger foundation for who we're meant to be. Bye, y'all.