Blood Doesn’t Bind: Stop Letting Family Hold You Hostage | Ep. 15

"Family is family."

We’ve been told this our whole lives—that no matter what they’ve done, how they treat us, or how much pain they cause—we owe them: loyalty, forgiveness, and endless chances.

But let’s be real—blood alone doesn’t make someone family.

In this episode, we’re stripping away the lies we’ve been conditioned to believe. We’re confronting the guilt, the obligation, and the fear of walking away from relationships that do nothing but drain us. We’re exposing the romanticized version of family that keeps us holding on, waiting, hoping, convincing ourselves they'll change.

But what if they never do?

What if the love, safety, and support you’ve been waiting for isn’t tied to DNA—but to the people who actually show up for you?

This is about breaking cycles of generational harm and rejecting the idea that we have to stay tied to people just because we share a bloodline. It’s about giving yourself permission to choose your family—the people who love you without conditions.

• ​We’re tearing down the guilt.
• ​We’re rebuilding with truth.
• ​And we’re creating space for relationships that actually nourish us.

So, let’s talk about it. Let’s challenge what we’ve been taught and start defining family on our own terms.

If this episode shakes something in you, share it with someone who needs to hear it.

Because you don’t owe anyone a place in your life just because of blood. And that truth? Might just set you free.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

What makes someone family? Is it blood or is it something deeper? A lot of us have grown up hearing that family is everything. But what happens when the people who are supposed to love and protect us are the ones who cause harm? When loyalty feels more like a trap than a choice. For so many of us, family has been defined for us since birth, who they are, what our relationship should look like, and most importantly, that we owe them something simply because we share DNA. But what if that definition doesn't fit? What if staying connected comes at the cost of our peace, our mental health, and sometimes even our physical well-being? If you've ever felt guilty for stepping back from unhealthy family dynamics, if you've ever questioned whether blood alone makes someone family, then this episode is for you. Today, we're talking about why blood doesn't bind, why family is so much more than DNA, and how you have the power to create a family that actually feels like home. So let's get into it. As always, I'm super excited for today's episode. And it's something that's very personal to me, and something that I myself am experiencing at this very moment, and and honestly exploring and questioning and figuring out. And that can create unnecessary burdens for us because some of us are quite literally told that we still have to remain in relationship with family members who have abused us, um, with family members who are manipulative, with family members that are like alcoholics and they always cause problems. And you just don't want to be around that. Like we're quite literally told that we have to support family no matter what, even if that means lying, even if that means cheating, even if that means stealing. I mean, I know people that have got on, like went into court and sat in the stand and lied on the stand about situations and things just to help their family member, knowing that their family member was in the wrong. And and I'm not saying like from law and order, I mean like from real life. Um, but I want to debunk that. I want to debunk this idea, and I and I and I know we've been seeing this, I think, a lot more lately, but I want to debunk this idea that like you have to be with your family no matter what. So we'll break this down in in several different sections. And the first one that I want to talk about is why family is about more than biology. So let's start with what we mean when we say family, because for a long time we've been taught that family is determined by our biology, your parents, your siblings, your aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents, right? These are the people who are supposed to be your inner circle. Something that we talked about on the uh episode on enablers, on how it's easy to be enabled or be in that type of cycle because they're usually people from your inner circle, right? So these are the ones that you rely on, the ones that you know seemingly quote unquote know you the best. Um, but what happens when they aren't? What happens when they aren't your true inner circle? Think about it. Just because we share DNA with someone, does that automatically mean they know us, love us well, or have our best interests at heart? Families should be about connection, not obligation. Biologically speaking, we do inherit 50% of our DNA from each parent. And sure, that means that we might share certain features, certain tendencies, but it doesn't determine how deep our relationships go. It doesn't mean that person is safe, healthy, or good for us. Research even backs this up because studies show that the relationships we cultivate, the environment we grow up in, and the values we align with have a greater impact on our emotional well-being than genetics alone. That means just because someone is family on paper doesn't mean they're meant to be in your life forever. But I do want to take a moment right here to also acknowledge that even if you are, let's say, let's use the example of a child being adopted into another family, they may be able to have a different response to life because of the environment that they grew up in. But from a person who has known many foster and adoptive parents, there's still usually something spiritually about that child that doesn't change. And I'm using this as more evidence for the fact that we have a soul and that our souls are tied to and connected to the people that have given birth to us and that have brought us into this world. There's something there still about generational things that generational, you know, curses, if if we will, um, are things that are passed down, not just based on your environment, but even just based on who you were, again, birthed from. And so while research does show, right, that like we can cultivate in a new environment and we can um be in a different space where values align better with who we are, I I would be remiss not to acknowledge research that I've looked up and things that I've already studied and spoke on about um, you know, the generational aspects. I think both are still true. And both, I don't think that either one takes away from still the idea that for those of us who have grown up with this idea that you have to be loyal to family no matter what, that that is not the case. But it, I also don't want to I do not want to pretend as if you going and you know cutting family off or being raised by a different family means that you will not still be connected to the people that have come before you because I think that there is a lineage, a legacy. I think the ancestry right is real when it comes to the right, the spiritual side, the soul side of how we are made up. And that part we don't want to um leave off the table, but we want to keep it on our on our minds. I'm not going too much into that right now, but I do want to make sure that I mentioned it. So before we get into breaking the cycle, let's talk about why we hold on to the idea that family is family no matter what. We do this even when certain relationships are unhealthy, or even when we feel hurt or drained, because something inside of us is making it really hard for us to walk away from these relationships. And again, all of this you're gonna see my hand raised because this is 100% me. And so I just have like a few, um, a few reasons why not exhaustive, but the last two I really want to talk about because um maybe because it's me projecting and in the things that I feel are most relevant to how why it's been hard for me. Um, but I want to really talk about the last two a little more. So, first is cultural conditioning, right? Like from a young age, we're taught that you know, family is the most important thing above friendships, above your personal happiness, and sometimes even above your own safety. Um, in a lot of cultures, especially the black community and even like Asian, Asian cultures, right? Not all of them, but but I I have you know friends of Asian background and their families are are very much the same, that you deal with the toxic behaviors, you come around no matter what, you're expected to, you know, uh deal with certain things are just because you're family and give certain people respect no matter how they treat you and talk to you. Um, but again, yeah, we're we're taught like family is everything. And for many cultures, that is, and not just those two that I listed, but for many cultures, even the ones that I'm just ignorant of and unaware of, it is a source of survival and history and strength. And so because of that, we're taught that turning our back on family is like one of the worst things you can do. And if we're being honest, that's that's valid, that's a valid belief. And I think family done right, you should stay loyal to those people, you should um keep them in your inner circle, you should fight for them, you know, at all costs. That doesn't mean like lie and steal and cheat for them, like break the law. But I think you get what I'm saying, right? Like, um, but just because something was necessary before doesn't mean that we have to carry every aspect of that into the future. And so while it was necessary for survival at some point, now we have to kind of look at what are our circumstances? Why am I so afraid of walking away? And so that first one was cultural conditioning, the second one is guilt and obligation, which I mean, that's your it's just probably gonna be all throughout, but um, you might grow up hearing things like after everything I've done for you, I've definitely heard that, or you don't turn your back on family, or um this, you know, this family is all you got at the end of the day, or um, you know, this family they've done nothing but love you, like, and and then when you hear things like that, walking away from what you're told is supposed to be such a loving and big and gracious family, um, is it can feel very selfish, even when deep down you know that it's necessary. And this is one of the big ones for me that has definitely kept me in a lot of family relationships that I really should have walked away from. Um, we feel obligated because there are the people who raised us, who provided for us. And if we don't have major visible scars, if the harm was more emotional, verbal, or through neglect, then it's it's even easier to gaslight ourselves and to thinking, like, oh, it's really not that bad. Fear of loneliness is number three. That's a that's another big one, is that we fear that if we let go of our biological family, then we we won't have we won't have anyone at all. I think you're afraid of people being right. You're also afraid that you're gonna regret it. And then we're also afraid that we're not gonna be able to replace those relationships. These go really hand in hand too, because think about it. When we're afraid that, like, oh, I'm not gonna be able to replace those relationships, or even when you do go out and try, and let's say you get a friend, and then they end up doing some shady stuff to you, and you like, you know what, if I gotta put it up, put up with this when it comes to friends, I might as well just go back to this family because it's really not that bad. Like, like, okay, if I'm gonna deal with it out there, I might as well just deal with it with them. That, ooh, y'all, like, okay. So a lot of these really play hand in hand, but let's go back to the fear of loneliness. Um, as with many of these, the feelings are valid. I want to make sure that if you're feeling this, like I've been feeling this, the feelings are valid. It's not something I'm telling you to turn off right away, right? Um, but here's the truth letting go of what's harmful makes space for what's healthy. If we stay in places where we're only tolerated, we'll never find the spaces where we are truly valued. And a lot of us, when we're trying to hold on to both toxic family relationships, but find the friendships that serve us, we end up walking into toxic friendships because we have not given ourselves the space and the opportunity to step away from these toxic family relationships and really assess and really breathe and really look at the damage that has been done and the reasons why we feel that we have to step away. And so when we do not give ourselves the space to do that, then we go into these friendships thinking that all I'm gonna, I'm now gonna create the friendships that I wanted that will serve me better than my family relationships. But then you go into your friendships with the same habits, the same thinking. Um, um, uh, what's the word I'm not not catered? What's the word I'm thinking of? Uh gravitating towards the same type of people as your family members because you still haven't really dealt with the toxicity over there. Number four and number five are the two ones that I really want to talk about. So we're gonna spend just at like a like 30 seconds more on these two. Number four is romanticizing family bonds. So we've been told our whole lives that family is supposed to be our foundation, our safe space. We hear it in movies, we read it in books, we see it on TV shows, even on social media. Um, social media, we are definitely in that wave of seeing the marriages and the and the people with their children. Again, we've seen our whole lives, right? That family is supposed to be this this uh foundation, it's supposed to be our foundation, right? The idea, right, that no matter what happens, family is always going to be there for you. But then we have to ask ourselves, what happens if that's not true? Um, a lot of us are holding on to this idealized version of family even when our actual experiences don't match. Because let's be honest, y'all. No one wants to admit that their family isn't as loving or supportive as they should be. No one and I'm I'm raising my hand again. No one wants to have to look. Let me raise this hand so I don't block my mic. No one wants to have to look in the in the mirror and say, Your family ain't loving and supporting. And you in a dry season of friendship. And I'm a person that internalizes and I make it about me, and I make it about what I don't have. And I and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Um I don't think there's anything wrong with that when you're trying to assess, like, are you the problem? I don't think there's anything wrong with checking in with myself. I think the problem becomes when I when I internalize it, and I'm like, something must be wrong with me. And I'm and I'm taking the wrong things from what I should be learning. I'm not seeing it as Alexandria is maturing and growing and trying to stand up for herself. I'm taking it as, oh, Alexandria's a horrible friend, and she's just not family oriented, and she I'm I'm taking the wrong things in, or or I'm just like, oh, you're such a loser. You no one wants to love you. Like, I'm taking the wrong things in, right? And it's hard to have to face this reality. And so again, instead of having to face that, we're telling ourselves, like, all families have problems. This is just how it is, or maybe I'm expecting too much. Ooh, and I tell y'all, I'm reading this again, driving down my street. You know, when you prepare, when I prepare the outline, I'm thinking of y'all, I'm thinking of the audience, and then I sit here and it's just me in the room, and I'm actually like, you know, giving you all the things that I've been thinking about and working on, and you know, all my thoughts put together, and then I'm like, mmm, oh, that's okay. So you thought you were talking to them, but you're really talking to yourself. It's funny how that always happens. So again, we're still talking about romanticizing family bonds, right? And so then there's this way that we selectively remember the good and minimize the bad. If we've ever had a moment where our family showed love, maybe a time that they helped us when we really needed it, or a memory that makes us smile, we hold on to that. And that's natural, that's normal. We cling to the good because we want to believe that the relationship is worth saving. But here's the question we need to ask: are we holding on to what the relationship actually is, or are we holding on to what we wish it was? Because the truth is, not all families provide unconditional love, and again, that's a hard truth to have to face. But we talked about this in in season one in grieving relationships and how hard it is to have to grieve the idea of the relationship that you had, that you're not, um, you're not necessarily grieving what the relationship is, but you're grieving what you thought the relationship could be if you just stayed in it, if you just did a little more, if you just ignored this and you just kept the good memories, right? And so again, these are reasons why we hold on to the idea that family is family no matter what. And we just talked about romanticizing family bonds, and that's a big one that I really want us to pay attention to because it is something that we have to we have to bring ourselves, we have to like sit ourselves down and really think about it and not keep mole um going over it, mulling over it, acting as if you know, certain things didn't happen and only focusing on the good times. Because that's happened to me is I'll remember I'll get invited to like a family event, and I remember how much fun family events are, and you know, I'm a big family, and oh man, it would just be laugh, we joke, we play, but then I'll forget that after a certain time when the sun goes down and the moon comes out, second just getting no, but after a certain time, I don't know why I do that voice. I think that is, I don't know. I think it's I don't know, but um after a certain time, then you know I forget like oh, here come the attitudes, here come the arguments, here come the and so I'll romanticize about all the good things, I'll romanticize on you know the idea of what family could be and how it how they how it how they've supported me when I was little and all of these things, and then think like, okay, well, it's just different now, and I just need to, and and and then I'm hurt again. Okay, so here we that's that's why it's important. But last one, holding on to hope that they'll change, which I think ties very, very closely into romanticizing, and that's something that we hinted out towards the end there, right? Is that we keep thinking that maybe one day they'll realize how they hurt me. Maybe if I just show up differently, if I come in with this new me, they'll change. If they sh if I show them how much I've matured, how much I've grown, then they'll react differently to me. Maybe if I just keep trying, like they'll finally understand. One of the hardest reasons to let go of family is hope. The hope that one day they'll become the person you always needed them to be. That they'll finally see your side, that they'll acknowledge your pain or even apologize. So many of us just want to be seen. We don't want your money, we don't want material things, or just put material things like them together. Like some of us don't even want an apology. Some of us just want you to see us. Some of us just want you to love us for who we are. Some of us are really craving just conditional, conditional love and not, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Some of us are craving unconditional love where it's not based on what we do. Some of us are tired of constantly having to show up and be on and never being able to truly be ourselves out of fear. If you're like me, you go through a lot, but you don't feel like you can trust people, especially in your family, with information about your life or your struggles because it's gonna be on the hotline and then it's gonna be used against you. And instead of somebody picking up the phone and seeing if you're okay, they're just gonna talk about you behind your back. And then when you see them in person, they're gonna act like they have no idea what's going on in your life. You know, I I as you all can tell, like I understand this all too well. Like, I, like many of you, want a resolution. I, like many of you, want to feel seen and heard and understood, especially by the people who raised me or raised us who were supposed to protect us. But here's an another, you know, it's a it's a good reality that change has to come from them. It can't be forced, and it definitely can be earned by like just by holding on a little longer. Um, but then there's also this last like we were talked about fear, right? But even in this um, this uh holding on to hope, like there's also that fear of regret that what if I walk away and then they change? What if I miss out on the version of them that I've always wanted? And but y'all, like that fear and in on on all of these, but that fear can definitely keep you stuck in a cycle of waiting instead of allowing you to remove forward. So I want to take a moment right here to remind you of something that you are not responsible for someone else's growth. You can love them, you can wish them well, but you are allowed to stop sacrificing yourself in the process. Here's the hard truth just because dysfunction is normalized does not mean it's right, and we're talking about that being normalized within a family. Many of us come from families where secrecy, manipulation, or even outright abuse okay, has been swept under the rug for generations. And stepping away from that, breaking that cycle, that is some of the hardest work you'll ever do, will ever do. Especially in cultures as we've already talked about, where family loyalty is drilled into us from birth. What happens in this house stays in this house. That's not familiar. We don't we don't air out our dirty laundry. Okay, y'all, y'all, y'all ever heard that? Respect your elders no matter what. I talked about that. Oh, I don't know which episode I talked about that this season. But I talked about that in one of the episodes of me being a little more um combative about that idea because I think that's how I not I don't think let me take that back. I know that that is how a lot of abuse happens, is because people tell the child or the person that they're older that oh I'm your elder, you have to listen to me, you have to do this. And I thank the Lord that somewhere in my little little life I've I've figured out I don't have to do what you said you do, what you what what you said just because you're telling me. If you're nasty, if you're mean, you don't get to just be nasty and mean and tell me what to do just because you're older than me. I've had to say that to someone. Oh, I I've had to say that to someone as a as a child, and I know everybody said I had a smart mouth. Everybody said I had a smart mouth, but you know what? It was I honestly, y'all, I I just think that by the grace of God, I wasn't more uh uh taken advantage of, um, definitely taken advantage of in certain areas of you know, um not like sexually or anything like that, but just taking advantage of of definitely power of abuse and just you know verbally uh talked down to, you know, whooped by people and stuff or doing things and not getting my parents' consent on on that being spanked. Um but I I think that's why I wasn't as taken advantage of is because my mouth was big. My mouth was big, still is, which is why I have a podcast. Um, but anyways, like yeah, a lot of us are taught these things, and let me be clear family and cultural traditions can be absolutely beautiful, but not when they come at the cost of your well-being. Okay, not when you're being told that you gotta do what this person says no matter what. So many children are abused because of this mentality, and that's why this this is really gonna make me emotional. That's why stepping away from me, doing the hard work of this with family is worth it because of my children. I refuse to allow my children to be to go unprotected in ways that I was. I refuse to allow my children to now. I'm not saying that I can protect them from everything, but the things that I know, I'm not carrying on the pattern of trying to act like we don't know that so-and-so is whatever. You know what I'm saying? I'm I'm not I'm not gonna put my children in a situation where I'm putting in a car with an alcoholic. Okay. I'm not I'm not gonna play with y'all when it comes to my children. Okay, and I'm gonna protect them in the same way that again, I I I think I should have been protected. I also want to acknowledge, I think the same thing for many of y'all, that this is not a down to my parents. This is not me trying to be in my parents' face like y'all did, y'all didn't, y'all. We I've had conversations, we we've gotten to talk about certain things, right? And again, I think my parents did, well, not again, but saying it, I think my parents did a good job. I don't I don't think that um I think my parents, you know, loved us absolutely, did the best that they could. I don't fault them. I'm not trying to put blame on them or anything like that. Were there areas where they could have done better? Absolutely, but they knew what they knew and they had what tools they had, right? Now I have those tools. Now I can learn. Now I can right, and so it's on it's on me. I want to make sure that I acknowledge that. Um, so back to what I was saying, yeah, I'm not playing when it comes to my children, and that's why this is so important and teaching my children, and then we and I sit I have boys, and so I tell my babies, we go through the pipe, we go through all the parts. Should and we go through all the relationships. Should grandma touch you here, should should grandpa papa touch you here, should Lola touch you here? That's my mom. Should Nana touch you here? That's my husband's mom. Should should Uncle Jonathan? Should Uncle Josh? Should Uncle Xander? Should I should Auntie Jack? Like I we go through and I say, should they be touching you here? Should they ask you to touch them here? I go through that, I go through other, you know, you don't get in no cars, you don't get it. It's so important because a lot of times predators come within our families, within the very from the very people that we think are so are the safest. And y'all hear me. I'm not saying none of those people are sad. That's why I can say they names because I know they would never do nothing to hurt my babies. That's why I can say their names freely. So I'm not saying that, I'm not saying that um I have suspicions of these people or anything like that. The point is that I teach my children that no matter the person in the relationship, they should not be touching you inappropriately, they should not be asking you to do things because not even just physical, sexual things either. It don't they don't, if they ask you to steal, you know, if they ask you to lie, I go, I go down that that list with them because it is very important. Now and forever, we will do that. So they know that I care. And so they know that you have to set boundaries. But okay, let's keep going. Oh, speaking of boundaries, um, Nedra Tawab, hope that said her name right. Um, she has a book called Drama Free. And I actually really like that book. I highly recommend it for um if you're experiencing like family things. I forget the subtitle of it. It's like drama-free, breaking free from okay, it's drama free, a guide to managing unhealthy family relationships. So that is what the book is called. And in this book, she talks about recognizing dysfunctional family patterns like emotional neglect, codependency, and enmeshment. One of the biggest takeaways is this boundaries aren't about punishment, they're about protection. As I just said, you have the right to say, I will not engage in relationships that harm me no matter who you are to me. And y'all, like if that makes people uncomfortable, let them be uncomfortable. Because staying in unhealthy dynamics just to keep the peace, that's only gonna destroy you in the long run, especially if you're dealing with people who have not grown to mature and recognize and be able to admit and see their faults and the things that they have done. It's gonna be very one-sided, and you will probably always be the problem. So you might as well just be the problem. We talked about some of the harder parts, but here's the part that I really want you to hold on to. You don't have to do this alone. You can create a family of your own choosing, and this is really the heart of the episode. This is this is really what I wanted to talk about. I think I mentioned earlier that this is a conversation I've been trying to have. Or I'm not sure if I mentioned this, but um, this is a conversation that I've been trying to have with my mom and my dad to really get them to understand. Oh, I did say this because other generations, yeah, to really get them to understand that um blood does not blind bind. Blood does not mean that I I have to reconcile with you. I'm gonna tell you guys a story at the end of this. Um, but it does not mean that I absolutely have to reconcile with you just because you're my family member. Like I'm I'm just so I can't do that. Uh, because I I suffer. I suffer at the end of it. I lose out. I'm an I'm sick. I'm stressed having to be around you, and I just won't do that. So this is really the heart of it is that you can create a family of your own choose, uh, own choosing. Your chosen family, these are the people who actually show up for you, who see you, support you, and love you, not because they have to, but because they want to. Studies show that strong social connections, whether biological or not, they lead to a better mental health, reduced stress, and even longer life expectancy. The relationships you nurture matter more than the ones you were born into. And obviously, we're not saying that the ones that you were born into can't also be nurtured, but the but but those still, even in within your family, the relationships that you nurture and the relationships that you have found will definitely stand out beyond the ones that you were just, you know, born into. So here's a reflection prompt. If you keep a journal or if this is something you want to think about, voice note, whatever, I want you to sit with this question. Who in your life already feels like family? Even if they aren't related to you, who makes you feel safe? Who shows up without conditions? And if you're struggling to think of someone, what steps can you take to start building those connections? So that's the little journal prompt for this day. So practical steps to build a chosen family. Like, how do you actually do this? How do you build your chosen family? You should start by identifying supportive people. So, as we've said, who's who lifts you up? Who respects your boundaries? Who truly wants the best for you? And you've seen that right now. We don't always get it right. Sometimes people surprise us, that's just life. But identify supportive people. Number two, nurture relationships, don't run from good people just because you're afraid of being hurt. That's me again. Um, like any relationship, chosen family requires effort. Show up, check in, and be intentional about keeping that connection alive. I know it's hard because you've been hurt so many times, but when you find that that good person, when you find that friend, like and or even that family member, even it's it can be hard too if you have a family member that you're deeply connected to, but that still doesn't see your family the way that you see them, right? I can I can see that being difficult, but again, I'm just saying, like when you find those relationships that need to be watered and nurtured and in bloom, let them don't stifle them, don't suffocate them. Next will be letting go of toxic ties. That again, it is okay to walk away from relationships that hurt you, and you do not owe anyone a place in your life just because of DNA. And then last, be open to new connections. Family can be found in unexpected places through friendships, mentors, and community. You never know who will become part of your chosen family. At the end of the day, family isn't just about who you're born to, it's about who shows up for you, who sees you, supports you, and loves you without conditions. Now, I want to hear from you. Have you had to redefine what family means for you? Have you found a chosen family that supports you in ways your biological one couldn't? Send me a message or a comment. I'd love to hear your story. Also email me. Um, if you're not already on my email list, now is the time to join. I send out exclusive insights, deep dive reflections, and extra content that I don't share anywhere else. So head to renovatingthesoul.com to sign up. And if this episode spoke to you, please share it with someone who needs to hear it too. Don't forget to follow or subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode. And before we close, close, I did this on purpose. I wanted to save this story for the very, very, very, very end. Because we're we're we're done um with all the content, but I do want to share this very personal story, which is an example, so that if any of you are like me facing this currently, you'll get what I'm where I'm coming from. I have a family member that is extremely toxic. Like this person is just known for being really negative, very bossy, very about themselves, and um, I'm not gonna say who it is. Actually, I think I'm gonna say it's an aunt. Like, I want you guys to understand relationally, like, this isn't just your second, third cousin that you can just ignore. It's an aunt, right? And so I I have been told over these past couple years, like legit always getting a call out the blue, or just you know, it being brought up to the point where me and one of my parents, because I'm not gonna say which one, but um, me and one of my parents, we really got into a big argument about it because I felt like they were not understanding my boundaries and where I was coming from. And I had to point some things out to that parent about their sibling um to say, like, you know, this person is also very toxic to you. They're jealous of you, they don't, they don't like you, they're not nice to you, they talk about your children, which is me and my brothers. I'm like, this isn't it's not okay behavior, period. I'm not trying to be a douche, I'm not trying to be a B-word, like I'm not trying to be, you know, which I would I never cuss to my parents. But I'm just saying, like, I'm saying that to y'all. Like, I I am not trying to be difficult, I'm not trying to be, you know, anti-family. That's not what I am. I'm like, I am just not going to tolerate disrespect. I'm not gonna tolerate threats. I'm not gonna tolerate, um, I just don't, and I just don't want to be around that. How are we all screaming peace? But then y'all are telling me that I have to be around the very people who take the most peace away from me. Those two things do not add up. But literally in their minds, it's because family is family no matter what. And I'm trying to get my parents especially um to understand and to and to see that like y'all do not have to suffer abuse just because this person has the same DNA as you. Y'all do not have to suffer abuse just because they have a quote unquote title. That title means absolutely nothing if they don't love, respect you, and treat you like a human being. I will not take your your toxicity, I will not take your nastiness, I will not take your manipulation, I will not take your abuse, I will not take your negative comments, I I don't want your your your money, I don't want nothing, I don't want your your stuff, I don't want anything, you know what I'm saying? And this always gets heightened up around holidays because that's another thing that like oh it's the holidays and oh and and it's Christmas and Thanksgiving and it's St. Patrick's Day, and so now we all gotta kumbaya, like kumbay out the door. I'm not kumbay, like I I wish I love my mom and my dad so much, and I just wish that I could like shake them and be like, Why can't you see how amazing you are? How amazing you are, and how little these people think of you. And it's the same for you, it's the same for me. That's what I had to do, and actually, I didn't do it on my own. It's also my husband who goes, he's shaking me, not literally, but he's just like, Why don't you see that you deserve better? Why don't you see that you give more than what you receive? Why don't you see that they don't respect you? Why why can't you see it? And it's taken me y'all years because of these very things that I talked about, making excuses, thinking that, oh, you know, again, all the cultural things, thinking that, you know, oh, they're gonna change, or or coming to grips with, okay, they're not gonna change. But I'll still go around because it's fun and I can still put up with it as long as they don't say anything to me. But then you go around and you look at people and you're just like, man, you can't stop thinking of all the things you just haven't apologized to other people for, all the people you've hurt, all the things that has been done, or all the secrets being kept within the family, but we're getting together trying to act like there are no secrets when everybody's mad at somebody and everybody got something on somebody and nobody wants to really talk about it. And I said, you know what? Enough is enough. I can't keep going around if I can't be me. I can't keep going around if I can't tell you the truth. I can't keep coming around if we can't have an honest conversation. I can't keep coming around if we're not really gonna talk about the issues within this family. I'm not doing it. However, I'm always here. I have not made the decisions. I love in the book, she talks about boundaries. Like, I am not here to say, I'm not gonna pick up your phone, I'm not gonna text you, I'm not gonna engage, I'm not gonna interact. Um, only certain people um on me and my husband's side, we don't allow around our children. But other than that, you know, there's no one that we're saying is off limits even from them, but we're not putting out effort. We're not gonna, we're not gonna go out of our way, right? But my door's always open, my line is always available because I want to be able to have those conversations. I'm here and I'm ready, but I'm not gonna force people who are not. I can't. And that's where I'm at with my parents too. Again, I love them. Um, I'm not gonna keep trying to beat them over the head. I'm not gonna keep trying to bring it up. I've just let it go and I've made peace with it, and I'm just like, it's it's it's cool. But I will say that in this very specific situation I was talking about, and in and in a few others, but in this one, I am being seen as the bad guy. I am being, I have been told, even though I am younger, that I need to be the one to reconcile and make amends, even though the other person was in the wrong. Like, y'all, I really just wanted to give that example to let you all know that I'm in this with you. That if you are like me, it's time for us to see ourselves the way that we are supposed to see ourselves, as valued, as loved, and as deserving of being treated like a human being, with kindness, with respect. With that, that is absolutely what we deserve. So, again, I hope you all enjoyed this episode. I hope you'll share it. I hope you'll interact with me and engage with me, sign up for the email list, follow me on Instagram. And until next time, let's keep doing the work to renovate this all.