Enablers: The People Who Keep You Stuck (And How to Break Free) | Ep. 14

Let’s face it—if you’re feeling stuck, there’s a good chance that someone in your life is either enabling your behavior or you’re enabling someone else. 

You might not see it at first, but enabling keeps both sides trapped in a cycle of dependency and avoidance.

In this raw, unfiltered episode, we’re pulling back the curtain on how enabling works—whether you’re the one enabling someone’s bad habits or the one being held back from growth. 

This episode isn't just about the enablers around you—it's about the one you might be becoming, too. 

It’s time to call out the well-meaning, but toxic, behaviors that keep people stuck in a loop of fear, guilt, and complacency.

For the enabler, it’s time to stop rescuing, stop making excuses, and start empowering others to stand on their own two feet. 

For the one being enabled, it’s time to stop relying on others to solve your problems and start owning your own growth. 

We’re diving deep into how to break the cycle from both sides, strip away the lies, and finally take responsibility for your own life.

This episode isn’t about blame—it’s about breaking free from a pattern that’s keeping you from becoming who you’re meant to be. If you’re ready to confront the hard truths and rebuild something stronger, this is your wake-up call.

Listen. Reflect. Break the cycle. It’s time to stop being held back by others—and to stop holding others back. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to Renovating the Soul, where we help you turn the mess into something meaningful. I am your host, Alexandria, and today's episode is all about breaking free from a pattern that may be keeping you stuck in abling behaviors. Now, I know the idea of enabling doesn't always seem obvious, especially when it feels like you're helping someone you love. But what happens when helping someone prevents them from growing or learning important life lessons? That's what we're here to uncover today. In this episode, we're diving into how enabling, often masked as love, support, or help, can create toxic support systems. We'll explore how these systems hinder growth, not just for the person being enabled, but for the enabler too. And most importantly, we'll discuss how to break free from these patterns, starting by building a stronger foundation for the relationships that matter most. At Renovating the Soul, we believe in personal responsibility for growth. You are not stuck, you are becoming. And by breaking free from enabling, you give yourself and those around you the chance to thrive and truly transform. So let's get started on this journey of empowerment, growth, and healthy boundaries. If you've been here, um, you know that I like to define my terms. And if this is your first time joining us, then you'll learn uh that I do like to define our terms so that we're all on the same page with what we're talking about and referring to. So I want to start by defining what it what is an enabler. So an enabler is someone who supports or encourages harmful behaviors in another by shielding them from the consequences of their actions or even the natural consequences of actions in life or just life's consequences, um, often unintentionally. Being enabled means receiving support that prevents you from facing the consequences of your actions, which hinders personal growth and responsibility. And then when we say toxic support system, which I don't know why I cannot say that, toxic, toxic support system, it is a group of people or relationships that reinforce negative behaviors or patterns, preventing personal growth and healing. So that's what we mean when we're saying enabler, enabled, and toxic support system. I wanted to do this episode um from lots of personal experience, and it actually wasn't in my original like episode list, brainstorm list for season two. But then after, like, I kept having these repeat conversations with my husband about people that we knew, and I remember saying to him, like, I wonder if people realize how much they're enabling hinders someone. And I just remember being sitting there and being so frustrated, thinking about like why can't they see that they're enabling such bad behavior? They're not helping them, they're not, or you know, it's master's help, right? This is this is me, my personal frustrations. I'm just like, I when are they gonna get it? When are they gonna see that they're keeping them from actually having to answer for the things that they've done? Whereas they're instead shielding them from having to take accountability for the things that they've done. And so that really led me to being like, let me jump on the podcast, like, let me make this an episode that I need to talk about. And then of course, from there, I did some research and just really making sure that I understood the definitions, seeing some of the implications throughout history and time. And a lot of that we're really not gonna get into today. We're really just gonna be talking about, you know, what it is, what it looks like, um, defining, you know, the or really looking at like the role of enablers in our lives, um, how to break free from it, and why this is obviously so important, right? And and why staying in cycles like this or in toxic support systems actually keeps us from growth and evolving and changing, which is what this podcast is all about. So now we're gonna talk about the role of enablers in our lives, and we're going to look at how enablers show up in different relationships. So family, friendships, work environments, and in and even in communities. And I want to give like a quick example for most of these. So we talked a little bit already about parent-child, you know, I said mama's voice, but it can really go anyway. It can be dad-daughter, mom-daughter, dad-son. It doesn't matter, right? So parent-child relationship. One of the things that happens when um someone is being enabled is that parents minimize or ignore bad behavior. And so what this would look like is the parent might make excuses for their child's inappropriate behavior, such as lying, cheating, being rude, or acting out in order to avoid confrontation or embarrassment. And I have I have seen, I have four boys, but I have seen this with a lot of my um parent friends, moms, and dads, where you know, we're in public and their child does something and they don't want to, you know, act on it in that moment. My parenting style is my kids will get the discipline, you know, whether we're in the park or whether we're at home. I like to keep, we me and my husband, my husband and I like to keep it consistent wherever we are because we believe that that's how our children are going to learn. Also, children like to play you. Mm-hmm. They do. So when even when people come to our house, my kids try to act like they can get away with more stuff, and they have. They have definitely tried. And I have to remind them all the time that I don't care who walks through those doors. Okay, Jesus Himself can sit on this couch, and if you start acting up, I'm a I'm gonna get you, right? But I think there's also an acknowledgement that we need to have that disciplining is not just spanking. And so I feel like for a lot of my generation, because we've done away with spanking, we then associate that we only associate spanking with disciplining. And so when we throw out spanking, we accidentally throw out disciplining, not realizing that every child, every person needs discipline. So whether you hit your child or not, they still need discipline. And that's what we're talking about here, right? I never said, you know, I hit my kids. No, I said I discipline my children in front of whoever it is or wherever we're at. The same way that you behave at home, it's the same way you're gonna behave in public, and vice versa. And so I've seen and again, a lot of my parent friends don't want to do that, and they make excuses for the child's behavior. That's something that the kids, kids, like I said, they play you. They pick kids are very smart, they pick up on that, right? And it's not to say, like I said, my kids have tried it all. My my two-year-old ran from me in Target, and I had to chase that boy down the down the middle of the aisle. And I mean, and and honestly, he's he's a kid, like there wasn't. I just told him, I'm like, Apollos, come on now, you know better than that. There's not much that I need to go be on there besides letting I didn't need to yell, I didn't need to take me to the bathroom, I didn't need to do, I just needed to have a conversation with him in that moment and say, Apollos, that's buddy. Like, I know, I know you thought we were playing with you, but you can't run off from me, you know. So, anyways, anyways, but that's just in the first example is um that parent-child relationship. So, how this shows up in that minimizing or ignoring bad behavior, and of course, this can be applied to any of them. This could also lead to um no accountability and again that lack of discipline. Next, for me, I wanted to share another in the aspect of the parent-child relationship, something that I personally struggle with, which is over-identifying with the child's struggles. And so, this might look like a parent who overly identifies with their child's problems to the point where they make those um make the child's struggles their own. And this prevents the child from developing problem-solving skills. And so, my oldest son, Khalel, was having problems with the neighborhood kids. There, they were like two neighborhood bullies. Um, and my solution, okay, my solution was I'd fight kids because that's what I've seen, honestly. Like, I've always had someone come to my rescue. If it wasn't my dad, it was my grandma, if it wasn't my grandma, it was one of my aunties. Like, I've always had someone come to my rescue and be like, somebody messing with you at school, or we coming up there because I got a big family. And so the way that I knew to resolve bullies was let them know they got the wrong one. And I remember an incident happened, and honestly, looking back, it wasn't that big of a deal. I can't even remember what had happened, but the little boy said something to Khalil, and I was hot, I was pissed, and the boy had left because I went outside looking for him. He had left, and so I went to Quincy and I'm I'm telling him, and Quincy's like, he's looking at me and he's like, That's it, and I'm like, What do you mean that's it? He said this to my son, and he's like, Listen, kids have to go through things. It's like kids are gonna say things. Kaleo needs to learn how to fix these issues on his own. And so, unbeknownst to me, right? I'm thinking, I'm thinking Quincy doesn't even really know what's going on. I mean, he knew that they were neighborhood bullies, he knew what they look like, all of those things. But I'm thinking, like, okay, you know, uh-uh, you know, big dog, like I'm I'm here. I, you know, whatever, mama beer. And unbeknownst to me, Quincy knew about more of the situation than I did because he would look out the window and be watching and see different interactions even with other kids that were Cal O's friends, like Cal O and Zeus's friends. And he was like, I don't intervene unless I, you know, feel like I need to, unless it gets somewhere where they're not where they're not resolving the conflict. He's like, but I do that because they have to learn on their own how to solve their problems, how to deal with conflict. If we always step in, then we're gonna keep them from that. And that's if that was a hard lesson for me. Okay. So I just wanted to share personal examples, which I'm gonna share personal examples throughout all of this because again, I've been enabled and I've been an enabler. Um, another example of enabling when it comes to relationships or how this shows up in relationships, excuse me, family. So you can have a relative who constantly is bailing another relative out financially, right? Paying their bills, um helping them when they uh overspend, helping them to avoid the consequences instead of them learning how to budget and then constantly making excuses for them, right? So that's how that can show up in family relationships. You also have um friendship, and so I've I've experienced this a lot too, where you know, you have a friend that either like constantly covers up the so you have friend A, you have friend B. Friend A is constantly covering for friend B, and friend B is consistently making poor decisions, whether that's toxic relationships or just neglecting their health. And so then what happens is the enabler, which is friend A, they offers emotional support by listening and even reassuring the friend that they did the right thing, even when friend B did not. And we're gonna get into why people do this, but this is again, these are just like quick examples. There's not exhausted by any means. And then on a larger scale, this could be one person, such as the pastor, something we talked about in Predators in the Pulpit, an organization, a movement, a company, um, right, where you it could be a team, even right, but on a larger scale, when we're just kind of looking at especially the things that are going on in our world and in the United States in and of itself today, right? Where one person could be enabling people who always see the system or someone else at fault, instead of taking accountability and encouraging them to stop blaming external sources, um, they continue to encourage them to blame external sources and instead of acknowledging their own role and improving their own circumstances. I hope that makes sense. So if we go back to Predators in the Pulpit, there are a lot of pastors that we could talk about. One comes to mind, Jamal Bryant, and you can just listen to his sermons. I um do not like the way that he demeans the people in his congregation, and uh, and a lot of pastors do this, but the way he demeans the people in his congregation, because if well, I should say how he does this is if you listen to the way he talks to them, he talks to them as if they're not they're not smart enough to figure things out on their own. It's always somebody else's fault. Um, we gotta, you know, down with the people because somebody's always attacking us. And even when it comes to, again, when when we look at predators in the pulpit and we talk and we talk about how a lot of those people they want something, right? They usually want your loyalty with these, with these types of pastors. They want your money, they want your tithe, quote unquote. And so they have to keep you in a place where you are not capable, where you are being enabled to think that you cannot do it on your own. You need the pastor to think for you, right? Um, even the way that they view God, like God is not pleased with all the white people of the world. He's only like it's just very sick, very toxic. But I want us to see how this cycle of enabling, again, it will play into things like the victim mentality. And another reason why I have an issue with Jamal Bryant and people like him and movements and systems similar to it, is that there's often a message to black people that says, we are victims, we are not capable of standing on our own two feet. We are constantly getting enabled to think that we need a handout, that we need someone to open up a door for us instead of being told and pushed and encouraged that you can do it on your own. And when you listen to messages, it doesn't have to be sermons, but when you listen to messages, speeches, there's they're often contradict themselves. They both will tell you that, oh, this person is their fault because they've held us down for so long. This system held us down, this history held us down. But then on the other side, they'll say, But you're so great and you're so powerful and you can do it. So it's like, well, which is it? Like, am I still being held back or am I a fully capable adult able to like conquer whatever I need to conquer, you know? And so I use that as an example um because I want us to see that on like the bigger scale. So yeah, let's go on now to some of the subtlety of enabling behavior, especially how it's masked as helping or supporting. So um enabling will start with small acts of helping or protecting or supporting, which then escalates over time as the enabler becomes more entrenched in the pattern. And so when helping becomes enabling, um, is when the person doing the helping steps in too frequently or for issues the other person can or should handle themselves, thereby preventing them from learning, growing, and facing the consequences of their actions. So, as we talked about, you know, earlier, like we talked about uh the family relationship, right? Where you have the relative who is always bailing the relative out. They could very much think that I am helping them, but they don't realize that that helping helping is actually enabling because they're always paying the bill, they're always bailing them out, they're always, you know, and so that's where it is, and and that's why they say that enabling can be done unintentionally because it's masked. It's kind of weird, masked masked as help or support. So we already talked about helping. Now we're gonna talk about supporting when supporting becomes enabling. So supporting becomes enabling when the support turns into rescuing or consistently allowing someone to avoid facing the natural consequences of their actions instead of fostering independence, the support encourages dependence. This could be a friend who supports you through a tough time, they listen, they offer advice when asked, they provide encouragement. But what they don't do is they don't solve your problems. They help you stay grounded, they help you move forward, but they're not coming in and actually, let's say you're looking for a job, they're not actually filling out the resume for you or you know, fixing your resume for you and doing the job applications. Now understand that I'm not saying friends can't help. Like if you got a friend that that's what they like, like for me, I help a lot of family members and friends with resumes and things like that, went to business school, et cetera, et cetera. That's very different than a cycle of it continuing on where there have been people who have gotten like that, who have relied on me way too much. And I realize I think I'm actually keeping this person from learning and growing instead of helping someone who is, you know, just in a bind, right? Or that just needs that extra boost. There's a difference. And so I want us to remember we're talking about this and that acts and that and that mindset of enable enabler being that toxic support system and ultimately being a cycle. Something that you know you'll hear me keep saying. An example of supporting when it comes to that enabling context is that instead of just supporting the same friend, they constantly step in to solve your problems for you. They don't let you make mistakes or face the consequences of your actions. So exactly the opposite of what we just said. And so I want I want us to remember that, right? That like it it can be hard to identify enabling because it's masked as support or love, protection or helping. So we have to keep in mind, right, that it can be subtle, okay? Even if it's a cycle, and even if you try to talk to somebody about it, even if you try to call out a mama's boy and tell them, I think your mama got a hold on you, he might say, My mama loved me, okay? And that's and that's why. And so again, we're talking about the role of enablers in our lives, how this shows up, how um what it what it looks like essentially, right? Now I want to look at just a few, like literally four common behaviors that enablers enable. Um this is not exhaustive, obviously. These are just some common ones, some big ones that I often see. So oftentimes, you know, this peep people are they have chronic laziness or a lack of responsibility. And so enablers might cover for someone who refuses to take on their own responsibilities, right? Um, abusive behaviors that enablers can unintentionally support um abusive behavior, whether it's physical, mental, emotional, or verbal. And I again I have personal experience with seeing abusers protected and covered up instead of getting them the necessary help that they need. Um, victim mentality, as we've already talked about, staying in this idea that it's always someone else's um uh fault and supporting their sense of powerlessness and not encouraging them to take responsibility for their own growth and their healing, which is what renovating the soul, which is what this podcast is all about, right? Like we are not out here making excuses um that just are irrelevant or always trying to blame something or someone else. We take responsibility for our actions, for our lives, for our growth, right? Um, and so then the fourth one would be practical, which is kind of similar to chronic laziness, but procrastination or lack of progress. I I I pulled this one separately from chronic laziness or lack of responsibility because um procrastination doesn't always mean that the person doesn't get it done. It just means it takes them longer to get it done. And that also goes into that lack of progress, right? When you're constantly procrastinating on something and it takes you so long to get it done, you lose time. And so you've made a lack of progress, whether over a course of time or even in a short period of time. You know, people that try to set goals, right? And then then ablers don't really um help them. Sometimes, you know, they could even block them, right? Again, from taking action on those goals instead of encouraging them to work toward them. You ever had someone like scoff at you for having a goal or make you feel like you weren't gonna be able to accomplish it? Now I want to get into we're still talking about, you know, how this shows up, but I want to get into the mind of the enabler just a little bit. I want us to realize that many enablers are acting out of deep emotional needs or unhealed wounds. And so we've already said that enabling often comes from that place of love or concern. However, without boundaries, it can prevent the other person from facing the consequences of their actions and thus hindering their growth, right? And so love, concern, those are, those are totally fine. Wanting to help, wanting to protect, those are natural instincts, right? But when we don't have the boundaries, um, it's it's going to end up being a negative. It's going to end up keeping the people, keeping the person from growing and evolving and changing and being challenged. It's it's sad to think about how enablers are acting out of those deep emotional needs or those unhealed wounds. But I just point this back to why this work is so important. Because whether you're the enabled or the enabler, there's a reason why that you find comfort in this. There's a reason why you're stuck in this cycle. Um, and so some additional reasons why people may enable along with those unhealed wounds and things. And some of these might be a little repetitive, but first is the fear of conflict or discomfort. And so many enablers they avoid confrontation because they fear the emotional or relational fallout. The thought of having a family member and you guys, oof, I am like this. I do not like the idea that someone does not like me or is upset with me. And so coming from someone who has been an enabler, um, I definitely avoid confrontation because the thought of, and that's what I was gonna say, it says it in my notes, right? Like the thought of a child, a partner, or a friend being upset or angry with them uh may feel overwhelming. So they step in to smooth things over instead of addressing the core issue. And I was really like that with a friend where I never, well, I shouldn't say never, but when I did try to hold them accountable, I was met with a lot of stuff, right? And instead of me working through it or trying to, you know, address. Or even just kind of leaving their friendship. I didn't, I felt like if I left, you know, who would really be there for them? So I stayed instead of addressing the issues. And it didn't really go, it didn't really go well because then I realized that everyone around this person was enabling them. They didn't really have anyone that was telling them, hey, you're this, right? Or hey, you know, you're you're loud and wrong, or hey, you got the a real bad ego problem. Like they, they just, we all just kept this person from evolving and growing because I think a lot of us felt as though they couldn't handle it. Um, they wouldn't be able to do it. And without our help, without us being the ones to calm them down and help them and and be that shoulder that they need, they probably would just go off the deep end. But that's not, you know, that's not that's not right. And so again, a lot of enablers enable from a place of fear of conflict or discomfort. And the psychological impact from again on the enabler is that this can stem from an underlying fear of rejection or abandonment. And then people who fear conflict may also have experienced difficult or unstable relationships in the past and learn to cope by avoiding confrontation. Another reason why a person might enable is the desire to, and this could kind of be seen as the same thing, but the desire to protect and keep the peace. Maybe it's not the same thing, it's it's a little different. I actually see this a lot with marriages, more so on that keep the peace. I hear a lot of husbands say that they avoid confrontation, avoid having to hold their spouse accountable because they want to keep the peace. They they just rather have peace in the home than an argument, then a nagging wife, than you know, all this stuff confrontation, whatever, right? Um, and so oftentimes enablers they want to protect the person they care about from pain, disappointment, or failure. I think this is why a lot of moms step in for sure. This desire to shield loved ones from discomfort can sometimes blur the lines between helping and enabling, as we already talked about. And so the psychological impact from you know that desire to protect and keep the peace is that enablers may have grown up in environments where peacekeeping was essential for emotional survival, um, such as in a chaotic household or emotionally volatile relationships, they may also have unresolved trauma or fear of the chaos that conflict can bring. And I like when I think about some of the husbands that I know that do this in their marriages, they oftentimes were are either very different from their parents and was the peacekeepers sometimes, even for their parents or for the whole household, their siblings and everything, or they grew up as the only man in the household. And so they were used to, you know, keeping the peace when it came to the women in their home. Um, and so again, that's that psychological impact. Uh a few more. So the um enabler, they may feel guilt or responsibility for the other person's behavior. They feel as though they're the person that um needs to make things right, they need to prevent them from feeling things, and then they they feel guilty because they either, I don't know, for for a lot of different reasons, right? They just may feel like they are responsible for that other person's actions or emotions, um, especially if they've been told that they failed them in some way. The guilt can stem from a variety of sources, past mistakes, trauma, uh belief that you should be doing more. There again, there's so many different reasons why um or where this guilt would would come from. Another reason that someone may enable, and I think this is a is a really good one to keep in mind, is that it's a learned behavior or habit. And here's really where that unintentional aspect comes in, because this is where it could be passed down from family dynamics or cultural norms. And so if you if the person grew up in an environment where enabling was common, then it's just a repeat behavior. So you don't even realize you're you know, quote unquote enabling, you just think again that you're helping or you're loving or you're caring for this person. And then the last one, lack of awareness or understanding. And so sometimes enablers, they like just like I said, they simply just do not recognize that they're enabling. They think that they're being helpful, they think that they're being supportive, but they fail to understand that their actions are ultimately preventing someone from taking responsibility or growing. Now that we've talked about, you know, the role of enablers in our lives, got into the mind of enablers, um, I want to look at the impact of enablers on our growth and healing. And so I don't think it's a secret, right? That toxic support systems can stun our personal development. And I say I don't think this is a secret because these are conversations that, you know, I'm sure we've all had about toxic people and things like that. I think where it gets tricky with something like enabling is that the enablers in our lives, they're usually people that we trust. They're usually folks in our inner circle or or people that we care about in some capacity because they do have an influence over our lives. They do their what they say does play a role into how we respond and how we do and how we are, so much so that for people who have been stuck in a cycle of enabling, their whole life revolves around this relationship. Their whole life has been shaped by the things that this the person or people, right? But but let's just say the person has kept them from experiencing, you know, they've gone to jail over and over, and then they've been billed out each time, right? Or they've, you know, they they went and got married, but they got divorced could always go back home to mama, like whatever it is. Um, they're used to this relationship, they're used to this because they care about this person or they feel that this person cares about them or they trust them to some capacity. And so it could be harder in these toxic support systems to really see it as they're they're they've kept me back, they've helped me back. Because as an enabled, you may also feel like, no, they've just been helping me. No, they've just been supporting me and not realizing that, you know, there's there's a lot of things that a lot of areas that you may lack in, you know, responsibility-wise, accountability-wise, or maybe when it comes up in relationships, as it often does, um, when you get finally find a girlfriend, a boyfriend, uh, uh, you know, finally get married, and then it's your spouse who has to tell you, like, you are X, Y, and Z. And then we get so offended and hurt because we've never heard it before, because we've been in a constant cycle of enabling. And I think that's why a lot of marriages don't survive either. And the same thing happened to Quincy and I was enabled for much of my life. Um, and getting in the relationship with Quincy where he's like, You're not as great as you are. No, I'm just kidding, he didn't say that, but you know, you have to live with that person. So calling them out on their things, you know, helping them to recognize certain things, and it was hard because I'm like, why has no one ever said this to me before? Like, why has no one told me this, you know? Um, and so yeah, it it can it can lead you right to lack of personal development. And so we talked about the enabler. We're gonna talk about them one more time in a second, but I also want to talk about the emotional toll of being enabled, right? Now we're talking about I have been enabled. And what happens is you often feel like you could feel stagnation, guilt, frustration, or resentment because on the surface or in the moment, you might feel relieved or grateful for the support or the help or the protection or whatever it is, but underneath, and over time, you're often aware that you're not living up to your potential. And I have a family member that is like this and or has been in this cycle of enablement. And I feel that they know that they are capable of a lot more and have known for a long time. But, you know, being in your like older, like 50s and and up in age, it almost feels like now it's impossible for me to go back and try to do what I was like, what I was starting to do in my 20s, but then I was stopped because of these all of these enablers in my life. And so I look at that family member and my heart really does ache because there's there is so much more to them. There is so many things that they could have done. And I think in the moment you're grateful that you have that support for the wrong things that you've done. But also when it happens again and again and again, and you're never taught to take accountability, that just becomes what you fall back on. And so then you hop from, you know, problem to problem, whether it's drinking, whether it's drugs, then you hop from woman to woman or thing to thing, right? Like, and when I say thing to thing, I kind of mean hobby to hobby, not like thing is in, you know, some abstract type of person, but you know, woman to woman and a thing to thing thing, whether it's a hobby, whether it's a state, whether it's whatever it is. Um, and then this can lead to lack of self-esteem and confidence because they don't ever get the chance to prove themselves, like to prove to themselves or to prove to others, excuse me, that they are capable of handling challenges. How sucky is that that at one point in your life you know full well that like and you feel like I can conquer anything. And then because of the enablers, you know, again, unintended often unintentionally, and you not even recognizing it, you seeing it as love, support, protection, or whatever it is, you allow them to carry on in that way. And then as the time continues on, you start to feel less empowerment and more incapable. Like I am not able to actually, you know, I've always need this person. Look what happens when I get in this trouble and no one else is there for me. And look who comes and saves the day. And um, my family member. Again, this is a story that's kind of breaking my heart, but you know, they went to college years ago. This is like probably year a long, really long time ago. Um, but they went, they left our hometown and went to college, and you know, I remember being so excited for them and just like, oh yeah, you know, they're gonna conquer the world and they're just gonna come back so good. And then, you know, mistakes happen, things happen, and instead of you know, a parent or a sibling saying, you know what, that's okay. You messed up, let's let's just keep going. Instead, it's like, oh, you messed up. We knew you was gonna mess up. I gotta fix this now, I gotta clean this up now, I gotta cover for you now. And when you are stuck in that cycle, then you feel like, man, I knew it. I can't do it, I can't move on, I can't, and so that's where comes that lack of self-esteem and that confidence, and then you don't try again, you don't try to do hard things because remember that time when I tried to do hard things, and then life naturally just happened, and I really should have just learned from it. But instead, here came mama, daddy, sister, brother, cousin, uh, friend that saved the day and told me I wasn't really in the wrong, but I really was like you see what I'm saying, and so the person that's being enabled, this really does play on your emotions and your feelings and so many aspects. And I wanted to use this paper from by Plato. So Plato and the allegory of the cave um in the Republic, which is the paper, Plato presents the allegory of the cave where prisoners are chained and only see shadows on the wall. One prisoner is freed and comes to understand the reality outside the cave. The allegory is often interpreted as a metaphor for enlightenment and personal growth. Um, and so the application to enabling for us is that enabling behavior can be likened to keeping someone in the cave, preventing them from stepping into the light of self-awareness and growth. By intervening too much, enablers can keep others from realizing their potential or seeing the truth of their own consequences. And many of us might have heard this quote the unexamined life is not worth living. And again, this just speaks to the value of self-examination and growth, suggesting that without confronting one's reality, there really is no true progress. And so, like in the republic, this allegory of the cave, um, where the prisoners are chained and only see shadows on the wall, like you don't really see the freedom and understand what's out there until you're out of this cave, until you're out of this, you know, um the prison. And that is often what people are doing to us is keeping us from seeing reality as it is. We end up with a distorted reality, we end up with bad habits, we end up thinking that we're less um responsible than we really are. So now we're gonna quickly talk about how to recognize when you are an enabler or being enabled. And I think I'm gonna use examples, but I think they can they'll work for either side. Um, so signs that you might be enabling somebody else's, you know, are you excusing their poor behavior? Are you rescuing others from their quant from consequences, from their consequences of their actions, or are you making excuses for their harmful habits? Um, those are good questions that are good things you can ponder on. Um, so that's what it's like if you if you're being the enabler, right? And so enablers, as we've already talked about, they avoid confronting negative behaviors to maintain that peace or avoid discomfort. But this emotional toll of enabling, this is what I want to ask you if you're trying to figure out am I an enabler or am I being enabled? Enablers, um it plays a it plays a really big big part in how they feel, right? So enabling isn't just detrimental to the person being enabled, it can take a serious emotional toll on the enabler as well. Enablers often feel, just think about it, exhausted, resentful, and trapped in a cycle of helping that doesn't lead to lasting positive change. The emotional labor they put into fixing or managing someone else's behavior can feel like a never-ending task. So something to consider is that enablers they develop this sense of victimhood. And something we're gonna talk about here in a moment is you know, like being the fixer, the rescuer. They believe that they are the only ones capable of fixing the situation. And this can lead to burnout and a loss of self-identity as they become consumed by the needs of others. So ask yourself how you feel when you get that phone call again. Ask yourself, you know, when when when uh so-and-so is texting you for more money, or when you get that call about another more relationship advice, really truly ask yourself, am I enabling this bad behavior? Or am I the person, the friend, the family member that is the only one trying to keep them accountable, or are they coming to me because I never actually really do tell them the truth? And honestly, I had to realize that in the second one of like I am a fixer. Let me let me say the next part and then let me come back to this because one of the core motivations for enabling behavior is the enabler's desire to feel needed or important. So that's a the uh that's the second part. The first part that we said was that enabling, right, that emotional toll takes on them, but then the enabler also has this desire to feel needed, important, and it's often rooted in the fear, as we've talked about earlier, of being overlooked, unimportant, or unloved. And so people who enable, they might derive a sense of identity from being the rescuer or the fixer, and their worth, their very worth becomes tied to how much they help others. I was definitely that person who saw myself as a fixer. My worth was tied to that. My worth is in being that fixer, being that helper, being the person who goes above and beyond. And oh, you need help with your resume, let me just do it for you. Oh, you need this, let me just do it for you. Until I realize, you know, I'm like, wait a minute, that's not helping the person. Like, they need to actually learn how to do their resume and apply for jobs. Like, they need to actually learn how to budget their money. I'm not gonna keep giving them money and they got a job. You know, I had I really did. I it's really hard. It's really hard when you've not seen enabling as enabling, but instead is helping and supporting and love. This is what family's supposed to do, and this is what a best friend's supposed to do, and then you're like, Oh, and then I think it's when you want them to change, or in the times when you want them to do on their own, or when you tell someone no, and they're like, You told me no, and then you're like, Oh, I see what you think this is, and that sucks, you know, and that and it sucks for someone like me to have to look at that, right? And to have to be like, I can't be that person for you anymore. Because we're in a cycle and it's very unhealthy, and I'm losing, and you're losing ultimately, because the enabler has the emotional aspect um the sorry, the enabled it takes an emotional toll on both. That's what I'm trying to say, the enabler and the enabled. Both of us going through it for different reasons and in different ways. And as the enabler, I needed to dig deep with why I felt the need to be the fixer, the rescuer. What I was saying earlier, well, what I was trying to say, and then I went on that little side tangent. But what I was trying to say was that I know so many women that are fixers. I know so many women that are that they are, you know, with people that they just well don't want to acknowledge like the red flags. They do acknowledge it, but they're like, that's okay. I'm gonna help them, that's okay, I'm gonna push them out. That's all, and it's just like, no, that's not your responsibility. Um, we'll get into what a healthy relationship looks like here in a second, but some self-reflection and some questions you could ask yourself. Am I making excuses for someone's harmful actions? Am I doing the work for them to avoid consequences? I think those are good questions to really think about, write them down, you know, say voice record them. And then we've already talked about, you know, what it looks like when you're enabling, but what does it look like when you're being enabled? And I think this is gonna be pretty, I think it's pretty obvious. So we're just gonna breeze through this. Um, we're gonna we're just gonna breeze through this part, but um, signs that you may be being enabled is that someone continually cleans up your messes, they excuse your bad behavior or they allow you to avoid facing the natural outcomes of your choices. Some questions for self-awareness for you would be do I feel like I'm not fully accountable for my actions? Do I rely on others to shield me from responsibility? And I think you can also ask yourself, like, when I'm not in when I'm not around my inner circle or these people I trust, how do people outside of that respond to me? Are people often trying to tell me that I have a problem with this, that, or the other? And does it seem like it's foreign advice because nobody else is telling me that? And that's another good thing to ponder on. It's so important to recognize the role of enabling in both directions because it is a cycle. Like it doesn't matter if you're the enabled or the enabler, it's a cycle, and we gotta break it. We gotta break that cycle because as we've already discussed, it can lead to so many more implications. And I have um, y'all, I wish I was kidding. I legit know people that have been enabled for years. I mean, like from childhood to adulthood. And when you get into your 60s and your 70s and your 50s, just finding that stuff out, it almost feels like it's not worth it to try to confront it now. I've been letting it go for so long. Why should I address it now? But I promise, no matter how old you are, no matter how young you are, it is so worth looking into. It's so worth investigating, it's so worth asking yourselves these questions because it's not too late to grow, it's not too late to evolve, and it's not too late to change. When you are trying to do this, and and because this is a relationship, because it's a cycle with two people involved, some there needs to be a conversation somewhere, whether it's the enabler to the enabled or the enabled to the enabler. You have to, here's some advice, right? Here, like you should uh approach these conversations with care. It's important to be gentle without sounding accusatory and focus on the behavior of the person. So, for example, I have noticed you often make excuses for and I'm gonna put my name here, Alexandria, when they don't follow through. How do you feel about that? So instead of going in and being like, you you've been enabling that girl all her life, like you gotta, you gotta, you gotta go in approaching these conversations with care. You need to acknowledge their struggles, whether you verbally acknowledge it or whether you just come to terms with it on your own. And I think that this is easier for those who've been enabled. Like, like you need to acknowledge that the person who was enabling you, the enabler, may have unresolved trauma, self-worth issues, or experiences that have shaped their need to enable or their reason why they enable. And again, remember that they may not be aware of it. And so, for example, you might say to them, I understand that you want to protect me, or I got so many family names there. I have so many common family names trying to think of a name outside my family, Sally. Um, I understand that you want to protect Sally, and I can see how much you care. But have you thought about stepping? How have you thought about how stepping in might be preventing them from learning or growing? Right. And so I've learned in my coaching sessions to frame things as questions so that the person can and like figure it out on their own. And they may not answer right the first time. They may be like, I'm not enabling them, I love them. Right? You continue to just ask them questions. And it's not about trying to trick them. It really is like getting them to think about it on their own. They have to take accountability in a way where they see it. Just because you tell someone that the sky is blue doesn't mean that they're going to believe it. Just because you go to someone and tell them that they are an enabler doesn't mean that they're going to believe it. Sometimes you have to kind of give them that evidence, ask those questions and kind of lead them in a self-discovery way where they can reflect on it on their own. Send them this episode, you know. Those are those are other ways too. Using I statements, this one I'm iffy on. You know, again, take take what you need, figure out how to have these conversations, you know, for the type of people that you're gonna have to deal with, the type of person you're gonna have to talk with. But this one I got from some advice um somewhere else when doing some research, using I statements. So this avoids the blame and shifts um the focus to your feelings and observations. This is something that I've had to do. So, for example, I would say, like, I feel frustrated when I see you continuing to enable Brittany because it seems like they are not learning from their mistakes, right? Like, um, you have to put it back on you, and I I don't think there's anything wrong with that. These that that's this is the way I've had to phrase it, even when trying to get this message across to my parents of like, you know, I am frustrated by the way that you know, this even the way people treat them, right? And I'm like, do you do you see how, or I use an example of something that has happened. Do you see how this might have led has led to this, or how this is keeping you from this, you know? And so again, you can customize this however you need to. Um, ultimately, what needs to happen is that whatever whoever you're having the conversation with, in whichever way it goes, responsibility needs to be the big big push here, responsibility and accountability. And so reminding the person, whether they're the enabler or the enabled, that continuing this harmful behavior is ultimately going to hinder their growth and it's gonna prevent them from facing the consequences necessary for change. And again, that's the enabled and the enabler because they're both they're both in an emotional cycle, they're both in a cycle that is limiting them in some way. So let's talk about breaking free um and some steps toward overcoming toxic support systems. So these are some action steps. Uh, number one is recognizing the enabler's role in your life. Again, I think that you can start to do that through self-reflection. It may come to you immediately, right? Um, number two is setting and enforcing boundaries. Here I want to remind us that boundaries are not about cutting off or rejecting the person in need, but it's about creating space for both individuals to take responsibility for their actions. So the enabler must first acknowledge their own emotional triggers and patterns and then take intentional steps to stop the cycle of rescuing. And and sorry, not to just say that that's the only the enabler, but I think that can work on the enabler or the enabled side that you need to look within and then take um steps towards the the the to stop the cycle of rescuing, sorry, to stop the cycle of enabling. And so I said that about boundaries because it is such a message that we talk about, but like what does that mean? What does it look like? Are boundaries just not answering messages, not talking to the person at all? I think um in the book drama free, which we're gonna talk about in the next episode, but at the book Drama Free is a really good book. I I don't have it next to me to give the entire title, but she talks about boundaries and she talks about how the difference between like boundaries and kind of I guess what's unhealthy is a boundary would be, you know, okay, someone is calling you that normally expects you to bail them out. You ignore them in that moment, right? But you come back around to have a conversation when you are ready. That's a boundary. On the flip side, it would be that person calls you, you ignore them. You never talk, you never call them back because you just simply want to hide. Like you, you, you don't want to have to deal with it at all. That also does not give us the space to grow. And I am one to talk because again, I I avoid confrontation. So that is a move that I will pull. That's how I remember it from the book, because I was like, dang, all right, that's not a boundary. Uh no, that's not. That would just be simply ignoring the person. Um, and so the boundary, right, is setting setting your limitations, setting um, and creating space, right, for you to take responsibility for your actions and for the other person to take responsibility for their actions. And when you set those boundaries, remember that it's hard for people to keep your boundaries. It's it's really hard. But consistency is really important, reinforcing them. And again, it's not about you don't love them, it's not about you're cutting them off, right? One of the most important things, in my in my opinion, for in these action steps is shifting the mindset, right? And and from the enabler side, it would be shifting the mindset from rescue to empowerment. From the enabled, it would be shifting from I am uncapable to I am fully capable of handling the consequences of my actions or whatever, right? I'm not powerless, I'm powerful. I can do these things on my own, I can march on my own beat, I can grow, I can change, I can accomplish, right? Um, and so, but I love this idea of this shift from rescue to empowerment in both of them, right? But I want to talk about that from the enabler's point of view. And so the enabler has to realize that in there and like shifting from the mindset that rescuing others um is not the healthy thing, that the healthy thing actually is empowering them. Empowerment means trusting others to handle their own struggles while offering emotional support and guidance without solving their problems. That I am actually, I am not empowering you by stepping in for you. I actually am empowering you by giving you the space to handle your own, by giving you the space to solve your own problems. I am still here from you, still here for you. I still love you, I still support you. I can even still guide you. I can tell you where to go to get the resume template, but I don't gotta do the resume for you. I can um, you know, talk to you if you get locked up again, but I'm not coming to bail you out this time. You know what I mean? Like, like it's giving that emotional support and guidance without solving their problems. That is more empowering than the opposite. Last two points on this: the actual items are prioritizing personal growth over the comfort of maintaining toxic relationships, which is really hard, but very important. It might feel selfish, but you have to know that your growth is more important than staying in toxic cycles. So you may have to cut some people off, you may have to leave some people where they're at in that state of enabling and wanting to do that, but that is way uh that that is um, you know, your personal growth is way more valuable than keeping toxic relationships. It is. And then last is replacing the toxic support with healthy, accountable relationships. And so, as we talk about on this podcast all the time, this self-reflection and introspection is so important because this is where we're able to identify where enabling may be happening in our lives or where we are enabling someone else. And so as we're closing up here, um, the power of self-accountability and that and a healthy support system, right? Breaking the cycle, breaking the cycle of enabling, it requires self-awareness, vulnerability, and a willingness to face discomfort. The enabler has to accept that it is okay to step back and let other people experience the consequences of their behavior. And for the person who's being enabled, it requires an openness to growth and an understanding that being given the freedom to face challenges is a sign of love and not neglect. And so it's really important on this, right? So we talked about the power of self-accountability, that's that, the introspection, the looking within, the vulnerability, the the um the time it takes. I mean, it's not easy. I always say that, right? But it's so important. And on the other side, the healthy support system, the power of having a healthy support system really is a game changer. And we all know, I mean, you go from high school, right, with your toxic relationships, and then you go to the to your 30s and you're like, huh, I actually want friends that care about more than how they look, right? I want friends who care more about the golf course or whatever it is, or just work. Like, we start to look for things different, right? As we mature, so we know that it's important to surround ourselves with a healthy support system, people who are going to hold us accountable even when it's uncomfortable, people who are not afraid to call us out. I want to tell this story that just came to me, and then we're gonna close out. But um, um when I was in my toxic relationship, my my godsister, I call her the Hulk, shout out to her, and I'm like green, but um, she became my voice of reason. I had told no one what was going on in that relationship because I was quite embarrassed by a lot of it. I knew a lot of it was wrong, I knew I should have been spending as much money as I was spending. I knew that some of the things that he would say was foul, but like I just didn't, I just thought like this is what I was supposed to do, etc. etc. So, anyways, when my god sister got whiff of it, and when I finally opened up to her towards the end of the relationship, she was the one that was like, absolutely not, you're not going back. Like, you need no, like, she didn't care what I said, she didn't care if I had I told her about a dream I had, she didn't care what I said. That girl was like, absolutely not. You you you made the right decision, and we really need people like that. She did not care about my feelings, she didn't care if I cried, she didn't care if I try to give her all this, but he's this, he's that, but it's really not. But look about this dream. What do you think God is saying? And she was like, It's not from God. I remember looking at her like, what? It's not from God, and she's right, it wasn't. It wasn't some like what? Like you're trying to say that God wants you to stay in this unhealthy, like you really think this person's gonna like, I don't know. It's so it's so you want to believe what you want to believe in those moments, but it takes a friend like her, it takes a friend like, you know, in a in a support system like like what she gave me in that season to really wake me up and be like, you're on the right track. We're when we're not doing this, you're not going back, like, and to hold me accountable to what I said and to hold me accountable to um, you know, the to where I wanted to be, right? And she would remind me of things that I said myself, not things that she put in my mind. And then, and obviously her advice as well from her experiences. But you want people around you that are gonna tell you the truth even when it's uncomfortable, even when it's not popular. We are striving for healthy relationships, not enabling ones. And so that's it for today's episode of Renovating the Soul. I hope today's conversation has helped you recognize the subtle but powerful effects of enabling and giving you the tools to start shifting those patterns in your life. Remember, empowerment means allowing others to face the consequences of their actions and grow, just as much as it means setting boundaries for your own well-being. The journey isn't easy, as I always say, but it is so worth it, y'all. By building a stronger foundation for who you're meant to be, you create space for real change, both for yourself and the people you love. If today's episode spoke to you, I encourage you to reflect. Are you enabling someone in your life? How can you start setting healthier boundaries that encourage both growth and independence? I'd love to hear your thoughts. So share your experiences and reflections with me on social media, make a story or DM me, but you can also send me an email, um, sign up for the email list. That is where I plan on being more intimate with you out my community. And if you feel comfortable, like let me know if you have questions, because I know that this is not easy, and I know that you know it's easier to sit down and me talk about it on the podcast than it is to actually get out there and do it. And as a person who's been trying to do this, as a person who's been trying to break these cycles and habits, like I'm here with you and for you. So that's why I started that email list so that I could create a space where you and I could connect and you and I can really get into the nuances, the little things, the questions, the things I might have missed, right? The how-tos. And so sign up for that email list. You can find that in the description. And let's continue this conversation, inspire each other and build a community that's dedicated to growth, change, and transformation. Thank you, thank you so much for tuning in to renovating the soul. And as always, remember, you're not stuck, you are becoming. Keep building, keep growing, and keep renovating from the inside out. And as always, let's keep doing the work to renovate the soul. Bye, y'all.