31: Why You Still Feel Stuck (Even When You’re Doing Everything Right)

You can’t outrun a bad diet and you can’t outthink anxiety with affirmations. In this episode, Daffney explains why doing all the “right” things still isn’t enough if you’re avoiding what truly matters. She walks through the three pillars that drive real change (your mindset, your physical health, and your nervous system) and why focusing on just one will keep you stuck. She also shares her own story of setbacks, surgeries, and unexpected challenges, and what it taught her about accountability, alignment, and moving forward without self-sabotage. If you feel like you’re putting in the effort but not getting the results, this episode will show you why, and what to do next.

In This Episode:

• (02:25) Three pillars that drive change
• (08:10) The truth about self-sabotage
• (12:10) The difference between looking successful vs feeling successful
• (14:50) Movement as a tool for emotional awareness
• (16:40) A difficult season of life; moving forward and finding strength
• (26:30) Why you can’t rely on just one area of growth

Connect with Daffney:

The Game-Changer Consult → This 60 min deep dive offers you clarity and insight into what’s possible for your next 60 days. Leave this consult feeling full of possibility and with the energy of purpose!

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Transcript

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You will never outrun a bad diet, and you will never outwit anxiety with affirmations. It's just not how it works. Your body is a system. You don't leave the gym and suddenly become a new person because your nervous system, your mindset, and your muscles all need to work together or they sabotage each other. Anybody that I have ever worked with has given me the title of bullshit detector. And what I mean by that is there has always been a conversation when I'm getting into the depths and the real root causes for a lot of clients struggling with why they can't bridge the gap or make the jump into their health and wellness and moving forward into some of the biggest successes of their life. And the one thing and the one question that always sort of moves the needle is the self-awareness to understand what we are avoiding. Welcome to Don't F and Shrink, the podcast, where we stop playing small and start showing up big. I'm your host, Daphne Allwine, and I'm here to cut through the noise, ditch the self-doubt, and get honest about what it takes to live and lead with unapologetic confidence. Each week you'll hear unfiltered conversations, powerful stories, and in real life strategies to help you take up space in your life, your work, and your world. So buckle up because shrinking is not an option here. Let's dive in. Fear is not always about running away. We don't even really acknowledge that fear can also come in fawn. And fawn looks like avoidance. It looks like doom scrolling. It looks like paralysis. It looks like procrastination. And when we finally get to the root of what is holding us back, what are we avoiding? What are we afraid to step into? What are we afraid of embodying? We can get to the root cause of what is keeping us back in our physical health, in our mental health, and in our actual embodiment in our own environment to move forward. What you are avoiding is actually the one thing that's keeping you from making the gap, moving into that next chapter of your life. When people get very fixated on one facet of the three facets that make you the human being that you are. So I will notice that a lot of clients will come in and be so successful in this category and they will enjoy the workouts. And they're so, it's, I'm going to tell you, it's one of the cheat hacks to get this integration happening is when you get moving in your physical body and you're getting so much response and these hormones are flowing and you're feeling really good, it's a lot easier to start working on some of the other elements too in that integration, but we can't ignore them. So the physical fitness of your body, the physical health, the way you feed yourself, the way you fuel yourself is really important. And I always make it number two because it's such an easy piece to know that we're getting quick responses from the body. Something hurts, something feels good. We're getting a lot of, especially if you're double dialed into your body, we're getting a lot of response. Now, there are different conditions for a lot of people where their mindset and their physical body, the response they're getting from the physical body, is not a congruence. And a lot of times we get kinesophobia and some other concerns that I like to work on, which is you getting past the fear of what it feels like to live inside your own body or to feel some discomfort. Because when you're working out, one of my favorite questions when I'm working with someone is is this pain or discomfort? Is this pain or discomfort? And a lot of people don't know the distinction between feeling uncomfortable, as in pushing yourself physically or exerting yourself, and actually pain response, as in your body is telling you, hey, this doesn't feel good. This is a misalignment, this is not moving us forward. So that's number two. The third is actually our environment and more importantly, our central nervous system. So the central nervous system in our body is not just a tiny little web of uh, you know, nerves telling us let me touch something hot or cold. The nervous system, you know, includes our fascia and the way that our body communicates some of those pain responses and also some of the stresses and the way the hormones integrate with those muscles with our brain. So I call it environmental because it's one of those things where if you are somebody who has a physical trauma, we know that that's something you continue to carry in your muscles and your body and your nervous system. If you have had a mental trauma, also something that you carry in your nerves, in your fascia, and your muscles, it's not separate. Anytime a, and I, this is why I call it environmental, anytime a stimulus from outside of your body affects the way your body feels, moves, or integrates, this is that central nervous system piece. Now, why this is so important is so many people, and this might be you, this might not be you, but you probably know somebody who will get really excited and feel really successful in one of those categories. And then find themselves months or weeks later not being able to sustain, you know, and not feeling whole in their body, not feeling the healthiest they possibly could. And it really comes down to what they're avoiding, what they're not talking about, what they're not integrating into their whole health collective. So this is my challenge for you today. I know that you are probably an avid exerciser, or at least you have a lot of interest in your own personal health. But what area for you in that set of three is something that maybe doesn't feel aligned with the other or could be holding the other pieces back? One of my favorite examples is when I'm working with a client physically or coaching, and they are talking about how hard their workouts and how positive they've been, and how they, you know, are working towards this goal and this is their 12-week plan. I know I have a lot of clients and a lot of friends who work on this 12-week schedule of this is what I'm gonna accomplish, and I am dedicated to this outcome. But they're also drinking every night, or they're needing a depressant or needing a stimulant in their life to continuously help them move or slow or change the dynamic of how they're feeling in their body. And for me, that's a red flag. If you are living a life in which you are reaching for a depressant, you're reaching for something to help you avoid, you know, and some people it's drug use, sometimes it's gummies, whatever the case may be. If you are feeling like in your life right now, you need to avoid something with a depressant or with a supplement or whatever the case may be, some people's doom scroll. They find that they're not sleeping, they're doom scrolling, they are fixated on avoidance. They just don't want to deal with whatever this other thing is making them not feel good in this moment. And of course, that's where we need to dig in. That's where we need to ask the big questions. So if you're a doom scroller, if you're somebody who needs to end the end of the day with a drink in hand, um, hopefully not for breakfast, or you find yourself constantly pushing hard all week to live a different life on the weekend, there's a big question there because what you're actually doing is sabotaging your ability to move forward. You're working so hard in one area only to sabotage yourself in another. So if that is you, if you are somebody who finds that avoidance comes in your diet, if avoidance comes in your behavior and it doesn't match the outcome you actually want to accomplish, this is where we dig in. The answer to whatever is holding you back is within your own body. It may feel like it's something external to you or it's something you can't control, but whatever is holding you back, I promise you, exists within yourself. It's all personal accountability. It's all showing up for yourself and taking responsibility for the things that you can change and not being avoided by the external things that don't or are not actually part of the equation. And I promise you that if you are choosing avoidant behavior and you're not choosing self-awareness, you are wasting time, wasting energy, and wasting opportunity in your life to be the best version and the highest performance version of yourself. Not every day needs to be a jump or a step forward. Sometimes a step forward can be just as simple as restoration. You know, resting in our body the way we would feel after any workout, after anything that we do to push or move forward in our life, it doesn't mean that every day needs to be a jump or a chasm. As long as our focus is and our intention is to always move without self-sabotage, you are moving forward. Be kind to yourself. What does our physical body reveal about our journey and our awareness and our self-value? The way we carry ourselves, the way we show up in front of others is a huge reflection. You know, whether it's a matter of how you physically look, what energy you bring to the room, whether it's anxiety, whether it's, you know, a powerful, dynamic presence when you walk into a room, the way you show up in those rooms, the way you show up to the rest of the world, it's really a reflection of your own awareness. It's the awareness to say, in these three modalities, in these three areas that integrate and work so dynamically in my life, my mindset, my physical health, and my nervous system, the way these things so dynamically and successfully integrate is the difference between people who present success and people who feel success. You know, and one of my clients really dynamically pointed that out. This is the difference between the millionaires and the billionaires. The people who present to the rest of the world that they are successful and they're showing up in this labeled way, you know, where they are already pre-constructed in labels and showing up in this way. Meanwhile, at home, their life is a mess and they're having trouble just holding on to that image and that persona. That may be a millionaire perspective, but I would prefer the billion. And the billion is you being fully integrated, not worrying about how people are judging your clothes or your presentation, being embodied in your mental, physical, and central nervous system and seeing to yourself with conviction, with truth, with that projection, you know the difference. When you see somebody who understands their value, they're not putting on a show for you. They're showing up and being curious. They're showing up with confidence and charisma. They don't need the appreciation or adoration of other people. They have their own. And what a gift that is. Maybe you don't feel safe enough to feel seen. And maybe it's just one of those conditioning pieces that you've been afraid to jump and be honest about what you think you deserve and what you think that you can create and become and present as. Sometimes I notice that when I am physically working out with somebody and we're having these really dynamic conversations and coaching and moving toward a difference, in the conversations we're having in physical movement, it is showing up. So they may be doing an exercise that they've done a thousand times. But when I integrate the question or the curiosity about another element that we've been working on, maybe it's their mental, maybe it's their emotional, maybe it's something that's really destructive to them or disturbing to them, or maybe it's me dropping a truth bomb. You can actually see the physical impact in their mechanics. So they are reaching for their toe, they're doing an exercise that requires balance. And I ask the question in a flow of conversation that really sets them off kilter. That's one of my biggest indications that we should continue that conversation. When people don't feel honest in their body, if they don't feel comfortable or safe or connected, or they have compartmentalized emotions in their life or traumas in their life that are holding them back. One of the easiest ways for me to help them express that is with physical movement. We are going to actually talk a fair amount this month coming about what that physical integration and moving forward and some of those mental and emotional elements looks and feels like. I have a lot of great guests that are coming in who have really dynamic perspectives on the healing abilities of movement. When we move, it's actually a hack for getting some of that unstuck energy and fear and apprehension out of the body. One of the biggest things that I've learned in my physical journey, and I had the tough circumstances over COVID. In the last six years, I've had five different surgeries, and none of them were things that I ever planned for. And one of the toughest moments I had was reconditioning my own body that required me to also recondition my mind and my emotion and things that I didn't realize hadn't quite surfaced from years prior. So every time I would have this unexpected surgery or this unexpected physical malady that I couldn't just overcome with easy physical therapy or basic exercise, it was always a gut punch for me. Went into lockdown in mid-March, and this is uh almost exactly uh six years ago, right? I had just had a surgery planned in it for all of the failed IVF that uh my husband and I had going on. And we had been given this Hail Mary opportunity after eight years with another practice for exploratory surgery. So this was scheduled for March, and of course, March 2020, we all went into lockdown. And what a what a gut punch. I just took it as it was that this is not meant to be, and had the hard conversation with husband and just said, is it okay if it's just you and I? I didn't really need to ask the question, but what a dynamic and proving conversation that was, that no matter what the outcome was, and no matter what was standing in our way, we were going to be able to move together and create a life that made made sense to us. And after that really dynamic conversation, which was probably something that I was avoiding, something that I felt really hard because I was like, if I guess just keep trying harder, if I just keep one more cycle ahead of me, if I just have one more frozen embryo opportunity, we can do this. And I just had to take a really hard look at what I was avoiding was having that hard conversation that the answer could have been different. So, fast forward about a week later, we get a call. We have to move on this quickly. We have one opportunity. And I think having had that conversation, a lot was lifted. The pregnancy happened within six months, naturally, without IVF. What a gift that was. So I guess in that case, I learned so much that the optimism and the having those hard conversations was absolutely essential because I like to pretend that pregnancy was uh was an easy part once you got pregnant. But any mother who's ever experienced a pregnancy, it is just the start of the game. I, of course, that pregnancy ended with a c-section, another surgery. I did not expect. Of course, when a c-section happens, it's again another setback in your body. It is, it is something to overcome, especially when you already have a tiny newborn to take care of. And that was another proving ground. So during this time, what I noticed is I wasn't sleeping and there was not something I could do to actually recover in my physical body. And it turns out there was a fair amount of issue with my breathing. One of the beautiful pieces as part of my pregnancy is it turns out your nose continues to grow inside and outside throughout your lifetime. And one of the beautiful side effects for me was that it actually changed my nasal structure to the point where I was no longer able to actually breathe through my nose at night or during the day. Breathing is so imperative for your brain, for your body, for your rest, for your nervous system. So if you're not able to breathe, it actually integrates an entire new survival state within your nervous system. So I really had no choice in that moment than to go ahead and have a surgery to repair the inside from all this swelling and growth that was happening within my nasal cavities. And for anybody who's a little bit uh cringy on nose health, it's probably one of the toughest surgeries of all times. Anytime that there is an aspect of your face or your inability to breathe, and then you go ahead and have a surgery, and it requires a certain number of weeks of, again, not being able to sleep and having this huge discomfort and pain, it is a lot to overcome. It challenged me in a new way where I had to calm my own nervous system, help my body recover and keep a really solid mindset that this is temporary. I can move past this, I will survive. Things were starting to lift at this point where we were able to take trips and travel a little more openly. And I took a trip with a group that was about yoga and hiking and connecting with the outside again. I stepped out of my comfort zone. I stepped away from this safety net I had created for myself or this bubble that a lot of us had created for ourselves, where, you know, this is my everyday. I can consistently think about this. And now I'm stepping back out into the world. I am now stepping back into a place that's unknown. I am meeting with people I don't know. And of course, the universe gave me the opportunity in this group to meet and connect and have really impactful conversations and really let go of some of those things that were so fearful for me and made an incredible lifelong friend who I like to travel with to this day. And when I got back from this trip, I was so elated and I felt like I was a new person and I was connected to my own body again. And about a month later, we took a vacation as a family, the three of us with some friends. And as fate would have it, during that vacation, in fact, in the very first day, in the very first hour of being in our hotel room, I sat the baby down on the bed and I opened the glass doors to the outside of our room onto the balcony and took a deep breath out, realized how humid it was in that moment, and said, you know what, it's going to be cooler back inside the room. So I stepped back. As I was closing that door, I had a very large piece of metal fall on me. At the time, I was in shock and I reacted in a way that I was trying to compress the way my body was feeling. It was painful. I was scared. And I think in shock, in the moment, I kept telling myself, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. And my mindset took over that that I needed to just, you know, take a deep breath out and relax and do an assessment of my body. What did I need to, you know? And I'm glad it didn't hit me in the head or in the face. And, you know, two surgeries later, a surgery to my shoulder and also a nice uh plate to my neck so that I could repair the damage that was done to my vertebrae. Oh, what another big, big punch. You know, I am as a mom, as a woman, as a business owner, as a health coach, trying to help other people stay on the healthy side and the positive side and the progressive side moving forward. It just felt like another punch or two in this case, where something that I didn't cause, something that I could not have foreseen had happened, and I was left with the consequences. I'm better. I've moved beyond. And it took time, and there was a fair amount of anger associated with that particular set of surgeries. And it was the anger that I had to most dynamically come to because there was no one to be angry at other than the circumstance. And knowing that no matter how much anger I felt in that situation, it wasn't going to change the outcome. The only thing that was going to change the outcome was the investment that I put back into my own body. And as we moved past that, I was given one more gift. I have this beautiful second little girl that came most recently. And that added two more surgeries. What are we up to now? Five, six, seven in this short period of time. And it's never easy. Every change, everything you ever want to accomplish comes with these efforts, these reflections, these investments into who you are and what blind spots you have. And no, you don't always know they're coming, but they're there. So never taking away from the fact that when you have to make a hard decision. And I always felt myself to be such a physically competent and confident person. I mean, this is my work. This is my entire persona, is to be physically capable and taking chances and pushing myself all the time to have this period in my life where I couldn't plan for it. It was coming as it was, and I needed to be physically ready for what was coming. What a series of chapters. I am finding so much joy in my life, in my nervous system, in my physical body, in my mental fitness, because I didn't give up and because I kept asking the hard questions. And I just kept stepping one foot forward at a time because there's no way you can see everything in front of you. And maybe you as a person are very reliant on your physical health and your body and your muscle, and you're putting a lot of time and you're putting a lot of investment into what your physical body looks like, and hopefully not leading with your ego, hopefully leading to the point where you just want to feel physically great and confident in your body. But please do not neglect these other areas of your life. These are three pivotal pillars of your life that really make up a quality life. Your mental fitness, your physical fitness, and your nervous system, how you train yourself and condition yourself in all three areas, make you the person that withstands and can move forward in any moment. If you have a story to share, I want to hear it. I'm so excited about the guests that we bring on this show and how they decide in their own right to not funk and shrink and to educate others and lead others to live their fullest, happiest lives. Thanks for joining me.