41: The Hidden Health Cost of Toxic Relationships

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Have you ever felt anxious, exhausted, inflamed, or like something just isn't right in your body - even when no one can explain why? Licensed massage therapist and Reiki master, Deanna Scaldaferri, joins this episode to unpack a truth most of us were never taught: the quality of your life is directly tied to the quality of your relationships. And the toxic ones? They show up in your bloodwork. Deanna shares her deeply personal story of navigating nearly two decades in narcissistic relationships, and the shocking moment her lab results confirmed what her body had been screaming all along. After leaving, her chronic symptoms didn't just improve. They disappeared. If you've ever been told you're "too sensitive," struggled with unexplained symptoms, or felt like you've been shrinking yourself to keep the peace, this episode will remind you to trust what your body has been trying to say. Because sometimes your body knows before your mind does.

Connect with Deanna Scaldaferri:

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In This Episode:

• (01:50) Why relationships impact your health more than you think
• (04:40) The abandonment of self and emotional suppression
• (07:50) Deanna's story: when her body started sounding the alarm
• (12:10) Leaving familiar environments and breaking unhealthy cycles
• (16:00) The subtle signs of emotional abuse most people miss
• (22:00) How to recognize unhealthy patterns in relationships

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hey everybody, and welcome back to Don't Fucking Shrink the Podcast. Have you ever felt exhausted, anxious, unable to sleep, constantly inflamed, or like something just isn't right in your body, even though every test says you're fine? What if your body knew something was wrong long before your mind was ready to admit it? Today, we are talking about how trauma, chronic stress, and unhealthy relationships can literally live inside our own body, and why so many women spend years chasing diets, supplements, medications, and workout plans without realizing the root cause may actually be emotional. My guest today is Deanna Scaldiferry. She is a licensed massage therapist, Reiki master, and someone whose own healing journey transformed the way she helps others. Together, we're talking about nervous system health, toxic relationships, people pleasing, generational trauma, and the physical warning signs your body may be sending you right now. If you've ever been told that you're too sensitive, if you've been struggling with symptoms when no one can explain them, or you've had that feeling deep down that just something isn't right, this conversation is for you. Welcome to Don't F and Shrink, the podcast, where we stop playing small and start showing up big. I'm your host, Daphne Allwine, and I'm here to cut through the noise, ditch the self-doubt, and get honest about what it takes to live and lead with unapologetic confidence. Each week you'll hear unfiltered conversations, powerful stories, and in real life strategies to help you take up space in your life, your work, and your world. So buckle up because shrinking is not an option here. Let's dive in. Dana, you have this incredible story that I really wanted to bring to listeners because I think one of the things that we don't realize, we're always looking for the next diet trend, we're looking for the next exercise, we're looking for the next pill or peptide or whatever is going to bring our body and hormones into balance. But one of the biggest things that we're ignoring is who is in our environment and how relationships in our life actually shape our ability and bandwidth to feel healthy and connected to ourselves.

SPEAKER_00 2:23

Absolutely, Daphne. I speak to this all the time. And what I love to say is the quality of your life is directly related to the quality of your relationships. And if you really take that in, the quality of your life is directly related to the quality of your relationships. Meaning, surround yourself with positive people. If you surround yourself with positive people, you're uplifted, you're filling your soul, your mind, your body. It affects, it's all connected. Mine, I'm a huge mind-body-spirit believer. So, like you said, you were just talking about taking care of our physical health. Most people know what we need to do: diet, exercise, supplements, rest, all of those things, but there's so much more to it than just that. So look at it from both sides. In a positive arena where you have wonderful, loving people around you, you feel lifted up, you feel encouraged, right? You feel motivated, filled. The opposite of that, if you are surrounded or even just in one toxic, narcissistic relationship, the effects of that on your mental, physical, spiritual, emotional health are devastating. And there's a direct connection. So you can be doing all of the exercise you want, eating right, sleeping. And if you're in one of these relationships and you're thinking, why do I still feel terrible? Why am I dealing with this chronic pain? Why can't I sleep? Why can't well think about your environment. The relationships in your environment are one of the biggest factors of your health.

SPEAKER_01 3:56

Yeah, we we talk so much about how stress comes from our jobs and our kids and and and those factors, but the things that we're not being honest about are the actual partnerships and relationships in our environment that we continue to allow. Sometimes that's a romantic partner, sometimes that's parents, sometimes that's environment. Exactly. These things are things we are choosing. And what we also know is that when we choose that energy or we choose those relationships in our life, whether we realize it, we're doing it or not, it actually attracts more of those relationships or more of those types of people. Exactly. Exactly. You're a East Coaster like me. So we are all about grit and pushing it and pushing it through and making it happen, right? And this is something, especially as women, we're told to turn off our alarm bells. We're told to not be so emotional, don't be so sensitive. Nobody's gonna take you seriously if you don't, if you cry, right? I remember this upbringing, right? Don't you dare cry, right? There's no crying in baseball. Yes, yes. But this is what we were taught that if we want people to take, if we want men mostly. Yes. If we want people to take us seriously in life, in business, we need to show up bulletproof. And that's that's a lie. We we shut off all these alarms in our body that says, that's not right, that's not okay. And we even create a value system to partner with people who also have that sort of mindset, which is a huge abandonment thing.

SPEAKER_00 5:29

Absolutely. You're abandoned, it's the abandonment of self. Absolutely. And you don't even realize it's happening. I mean, whatever your upbringing is, like you said, your upbringing, your environment, where you live, all of those things play into it. So a lot of times what I see what happens for myself and many, many clients, you get to a point in your life, midlife, and you're like, wait a minute, okay. Whatever's happened that has made you finally realize exactly, and I I deal with this all the time, people are so disconnected from their bodies because of exactly what you're saying. We've learned through society, family to push it down, repress the emotions, don't show it, keep going. And that's not how we're meant to live. Because at some point it backfires. At some point, I always say it's kind of like a container. And when you put stuffing things into a container, at some point it's overflowing and you cannot push anything else into it, right? And that's where, you know, pain comes out in the body. Pain is a warning signal of our body. Yes. And this, I see this all the time, Daphne. Well, someone will come to me. So by trade, I'm a licensed massage therapist and a Reiki master. They come to me and say, I've had this chronic pain for years and years. I've been to every doctor, every specialist, but yet they keep telling me there's nothing wrong and I'm fine, but I know something's wrong in my body. And that's where the holistic piece comes in to dig a little deeper. Because, okay, let's dig into your journey, your story, your life. And when you start digging, it's like, oh, I've been dealing with this, you know, toxic relationship forever. Oh, I've got this stress, this stress, just this stress. And if you keep pressing it down and you're like, oh, but I got to keep going, can't feel it, can't, can't do anything about it. At some point, it comes out in the body as a chronic pain, an autoimmune, an inflammation, something. And that's where it's like, you don't want to just put a band-aid over the symptom. Okay, let's try to massage it. We can do that, but that's not addressing the root cause of why you're having that to begin with. And I'll use an example, Daphne, specifically to these kinds of toxic relationships. I personally was in a very, I've been in many narcissistic relationships. Like you said, you seem to attract them and you don't even realize it because if that's in your orbit, it's normal, it's familiar. So then someone comes into your work environment and then this, and then you're like, oh, all of these people seem the same, but you don't even recognize. But at the ending point of me putting the pieces together, that I was in a very highly dysfunctional and toxic relationship, I will never forget for the long, the longest time, you know, that I'm on this earth, the physical effects it had on my body. I am a very healthy person. I take care of myself. I've always, you know, I've never had knock on wood, any any major issues health-wise. Like when things were coming to this really toxic point of me realizing what I was in and what I was dealing with. Daphne, there it felt like there was a this is how I described it. There was like a concrete boulder literally sitting on my chest. I couldn't breathe. I felt suffocated. The heaviness in my body, racing heart, waking up in the middle of the night, like sweating, you know, sweats, the physical components of what panic attacks. I'd never had a panic attack in my life. I heard about them, didn't even know that it did exist, you know, what it what it even felt like. I had several panic attacks. So even, and I look at it like a detective, if you just put the pieces together of, wait a minute, these are actual physical symptoms presenting that I've never felt before. What is going on? And then I did. I put those pieces together and it was like, okay, well, now this is physically impacting me. And and I knew, and I'm not being dramatic, that if I stayed, it would have really affected me physical-wise, whether in some awful disease, cancer, I mean, I I truly feel that to my heart, and I'm not being dramatic. So it was a matter of really survival and life and death. And I said, I need to get out of this relationship. A year later, I went to my doctor. So I went for my annual physical right before I left. And I literally, Daphne, I lied through the questions where, you know, they asked you all the mental health questions and are you under any stress? And I literally lied through them because I knew if I actually told them that well, shame, but it was also I knew that if I actually told the doctor what was going on in my life, there would have been alarms and bells going off. And I was like, I know what I'm doing to try to help get out safely. It's okay. But guess what? Yeah. You know, blood work doesn't lie. My blood work came back off the charts. I mean, there like my doctor was very concerned, like basically, what is going on here? Presented as a blood disorder. That's what I'm saying. I'm not making this up. I know what I felt. And then the the doctors in the labs proved it. A year later, after I left the relationship, started on my healing journey. I went back for my annual physical. And I'll never forget it. My doctor, and I love her, and she we we have a great relationship. She's like a holistic functional medicine. She came in and she looked at my labs and my charts. She was like, whoa, like what happened since last year? Everything is normal, like everything, right? And you know, I try, Daphne, in the world that we live in, it life is tough. I try to have a sense of humor. I really do. I try to laugh at certain things. You have to, you have to, because life is serious and it's tough, right? And I looked at her and I said, Well, I just had to leave a very narcissistic and abusive relationship, and now I'm feeling great. And she looked at me, you know, and I'm like, it was the truth. Because that speaks to exactly what we started with and what I said. The quality of your life is directly related to the quality of your relationships. So I left that environment. I left that relationship, and my physical health magically got better. That was me, and I've seen it happen to many, many people. It's not a coincidence, it's not an accident.

SPEAKER_01 11:22

Isn't it amazing, too, that most of the chronic disease, inflammation based diseases are predominantly happening to women. Yes. And I think we can really tie it back to the natural, you know, the central nervous system and how the body is being affected from environmental.

SPEAKER_00 11:40

Yes, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 11:42

What you did in a year's time is something some people cannot do in a lifetime. Yes. They can't make the identification of what's going on in their body. They continue to compartmentalize over and over and over for the performance, for the show, for the shame. Yes. For living in an environment that perpetuates this type of. I mean, how many times have you had a conversation with somebody? Because you're a transplant. What I what I love about your story is not only did you leave that situation, but you left that environment because we know one of the things that we can do when we have a cycle we can't break is to physically change geolocation.

SPEAKER_00 12:23

And remove yourself from the situation. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 12:26

You did that. That's I mean, how hard you have kids. How hard was that for you to not only leave the familiarity of this this chaos, because let's call it what it is. Yes. But then you also made this big step to leave the environment because you knew that's what was going to ground you to this new life.

SPEAKER_00 12:44

Yes. Well, Daphne, it's that's a really important point. Actually, the timing of it was a little bit different. I didn't leave the relationship and then move locations. It was the opposite, which I think is a really important point for anyone out there who was even questioning a relationship that they're in, thinking this might not be healthy. It wasn't just that the relationship, there was toxicity around the family of the relationship, right? So there was a lot of layers. Removing myself from that, I was able to gain clarity, perspective. And actually, it took about a year for me to piece together that it was narcissism that I was dealing with. I didn't even know what I like, I knew something was wrong. And this I speak to all the time, where if something's wrong in your body, there's a reason. You might not know exactly what it is and put your finger on a diagnosis, but you need to follow that because there's something is not okay. So it took me over a year to understand I was going through psychotherapy, put the pieces, once I started delving into narcissism, Daphne, it made complete sense of my life. And that's when it was like literally light bulbs going off one right after the other. This explains what I've been feeling for almost 20 years that I couldn't explain. And that is where I speak on just a general level, but specifically with these kinds of relationships. And I tell my kids this if something feels off, there's a reason. There were so many realizations in that time of deciding to leave. We all have a light inside of us. We all have unique gifts and strengths and talents that we are meant to share with the world. So service, you can look at it from yes, I have these gifts and I want to share them with the world. That's a healthy way of serve of serving others. And I recognize at some point, I cannot be me. I cannot be the true highest version of me and what I am here to do on this earth in this relationship because I was being held down. So that was a huge realization in my world to say it's not just I'm in an unhappy relationship. It's not just, oh, can I deal with this? It was that I cannot shine my light the way that I'm supposed to in this world, in this relationship. So now I'll, I'll, I'll relate it to the doctor's uh appointment. Seven years later, Daphne, the things that I have been doing to not only help my me and my family, but the clients, the workshops, the the support group that I started. I mean, all of these things. And I don't say this from an ego standpoint. I say this from a standpoint that I have used what has happened in my life to be able to help other people in similar situations leaving and recovering, helping, you know, uh recover the body, the nervous system, all of those things that I would never have been, I wouldn't be doing this work if I didn't leave.

SPEAKER_01 15:44

And so I'm aware of that every single day. You're a lighthouse. You literally are a lighthouse in that capacity. It's not just about your light, it's about shining for others in the direction for other people who are lost. And like you said, know that something doesn't feel right. Can we dig into what does it look like? What does it feel like? So just subtle comments about your weight and the way you look, right? That this person just allows that it could be jokes, your intelligence, it can be, and it's really interesting that in these relationships, and this doesn't have to be romantic, this doesn't have to be a partner, this can be parents, you know, grandparents, uncles, this can just be your community at wide. If people are speaking to you in a way that you know doesn't feel good in your body, and you continue to allow it because that's their sense of humor, or that's what keeps the peace. I think keeping the peace is one of the biggest things with clients and friends alike. Keeping the peace is creating the cancer in you. It you become that vessel. And you know, yes. So absolutely. Do you mind like sharing our experience? Because I think what happens is people are like, oh, it's not a narcissist, that's a big thing. Narcissists try to triangulate you and and you know this. No, it is so subtle. Like the the the conditioning, and I had 20 plus years of conditioning early on that I knew even as a young person early on in my life that this isn't right, this isn't right. And it's coming from it's coming from so many different areas. It's coming from, you know, society, it's coming from the church, it's coming from you know the parental figures that like their job is to keep suppressing you into knowing you're not right. Submission, yeah, you're too emotional, you're too this, and sometimes it's aggressively mental abuse.

SPEAKER_00 17:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:34

I'm gonna share a little bit too about my story because I want people to realize it's not just coming from a romantic place, it's coming early on in life. Like these these messages were very aware to me. I don't know how I became such an aware human being at such a young age, such an old soul, but I didn't have a lot of control in the situation, so I learned to manipulate my call it that. I like learned how to manipulate through my world to get out of that experience as quickly as I could. Yes. But I also recognize that I'm still getting out of that too. So you went to the doctor, you had this light bulb moment. You can't unsee what you saw, right? Yes. What was that moment where you're like, boom, I can't unsee this anymore?

SPEAKER_00 18:14

Well, that's it. I love you, you nailed it now. That's exactly it. It's like for anyone, when you see something, you can't unsee it. When you know something, you can't unknow it. If, and this is what I spoke of. Okay, so for 20 years, I didn't know what I was dealing with, which is why I just kept going and just plugging along. But once you know, how can you continue? Now, I do know people that know and they say, well, I'll deal with it. Again, it's a very personal decision. But for me, Daphne, it was visceral. You know, these kinds of relationships you mentioned, they're very subtle. So the the brainwashing, the grooming, the training, it happens over, right, but over a long period of time. So we can't expect that once you, oh, I leave this relationship and boom, I'm okay. The the effects on your body and your mind are really, again, they're they're pivotal. And they and what I say is you can't expect your recovery and healing to magically happen overnight because the abuse didn't happen overnight. No. So it is a process. It's a process, and again, one that that most people need to be very intentional about. I do want to speak to what you were saying about, you know, the family members, because I absolutely agree with you. It doesn't just, you don't magically just fall into these kinds of relationships. I do believe that there's a you know genetic and hereditary component of that, how you were brought up. You think it's normal. Again, the the codependency, the people pleasing, all of those things, those are coping mechanisms of being in those kinds of relationships. And I know for me personally, it's like I watched my mother in that space of like, you know, keeping the peace, a peacemaker. You said, you know, keep the peace, everything will be okay. But yet as a child, children are innocent, right? Children haven't been jaded by the world yet. So why, like you were saying, and this happened to me as well, you're like, something isn't okay, but you're a kid and you don't know what, but you know what is safe and what is not, right? You know, like this doesn't feel right, it does. So you learn your own coping mechanisms on how to deal. So that's number one. And then what happens? You grow up, and then it's, you know, I work in energy. So everything is energy is all around us, and it's the relationships and friendships we make, jobs we accept. So it's an energetic component. A narcissist magnetizes to a codependent, yeah, an empath, a people pleaser, a perfectionist. Those are like the magic combinations because why a narcissist needs someone that they feel they can control. And it's not a matter of being weaker, because many people think this, Daphne. They think, oh, I got into this relationship because I was weak. They thought I was weak, they could control me. It's not about that. It's actually the opposite. They know that you're strong, they know that you're a strong light, which is why they need to belittle you and degrade you and keep you down and control you. Yeah. But the the point is the empath, the codependent, the people pleaser, the peacemaker wants to help people. I also want to speak to the family members with the you're too sensitive and you took it the wrong way, and oh, you're emotional. That was the story of my life growing up, Daphne. Because exactly, I would call something out like that's not okay, or this isn't right. And then immediately, right, the response is, oh, it's on you. Like the it's the blame and the onus is on you. Deanna, you're so sensitive. Oh, Deanna, like you're too sensitive. It's always in a very negative fashion, right? Oh, Deanna, you misunderstood. Deanna, you must have took that the wrong way. Deanna, you take everything so personal, okay? So then what happens? You walk away, especially as a child, a young adult, thinking, I'm the problem. I'm the problem. There's something wrong with me. Fast forward in my journey. Took uh through my church uh a living your strengths course. It's called Gallups. You can go online and take this test. Yeah. And this was so pivotal because again, it was like this journey of like rediscovering myself. And I didn't realize it was all connected. But when I took this test, are you ready, Daphne? My number one God-given strength is empathy. What I realized, and this was another light bulb moment in my life, what I had been put down for almost 40 years of my life, being too sensitive is actually my superpower. Yep. Being sensitive and empathetic is how I help people. Yes. It's how I serve in my work. But I thought it was a bad thing.

SPEAKER_01 22:35

Isn't it funny how that happens? It just, like you said, it just keeps people out of the accountability loop. But you're at your core, empathy. So seeing people at their core, calling people out, making people aware that things that they're ignoring in their own body is your superpower.

SPEAKER_00 22:51

I think that makes perfect sense. Perfect sense. Well, now it does, right? Everything in hindsight, but as it was happening, you don't realize it. And the last thing I want to speak to you, because you hit on so many good points was about like anyone, anyone who is either questioning if they're in this kind of relationship, whether again, romantic or in your family, community, job, the workplace is another big one. I get a lot of people that come. And I also have had about two or three narcissistic bosses in my lifetime. So again, whatever the environment is, if you're questioning that, pay attention is my advice. Be observant. Because what happens is when we're living in the busy world that we live in, again, when you're not really paying close attention, things slip through the cracks. Yes. Or we also give, look, everybody has a bad day. But we also give, like, we give, oh, well, it's okay. Like they were just having a bad day. They were upset because of X, Y, and Z. Okay, maybe on a one-off. But if you start, it's all narcissism, it's all about the patterns. If you start to see the same patterns of behavior over and over in different forms, you go out and you accept them, well, then you're enabling that. And then the biggest thing I speak about about how you feel in your body, it's about emotional safety. So, and this, it could be a friend, it could be anyone in your family. If you don't feel safe around someone, your body responds. Okay. And your mind, your mind, amen. Your mind might not catch up yet. But when you're, you we all know this. You're around someone, you're like, like, I don't, I don't know. Just like I don't want to really be around this person. You're on.

SPEAKER_01 24:22

You're in the word, you're performing, you're you're shrinking away from everything. Yes. And if you're going, if you're going home every night to this, there's a problem.

SPEAKER_00 24:31

Oh my God, long-term effect. You learn to literally stay in the background. It's like, okay, if I stay, I used to say, like, if I stay just behind the curtain, almost like the wizard of odd, if I stay behind the curtain, I'm safe. Yes. Right? Don't cut, don't cause any rough, you know, don't ruffle any feathers, don't cause any issues, okay? That's not okay. Yeah. If you don't feel safe to speak your opinion, speak your mind, and you just said on guard, that's a huge one. That nailed it, Daphne. If you feel around anyone that you are on guard, that is a huge red flag. So the opposite of that, I always try to stay in the positive, stay in the light. You know, we all have had that experience where you meet a new friend and you're like, I just feel so wonderful around this person. I feel you might not think it that it's, you know, safety, but it is. And you're saying just, I want to be around this person. They feel me. I every time I leave this person, I feel so good about myself. Yes. I feel good. I can share whatever. I don't need to, I can be authentically me. Yes. Those are green flags. Those are green flags that you're in the right space.

SPEAKER_01 25:34

We could go deep and far into this. I love that we were able to really give a basic understanding of what happens in your body when you're in the wrong relationships, when you're in the wrong partnerships. I think one of the toughest parts of that can't take the blinders off moment for a lot of people is a lack of support. Now, that's something that you're offering, right?

SPEAKER_00 25:57

Yes. That's a great point. Absolutely. And that's where I speak to now years into. Again, we're always healing. So I say that I'm obviously more healed. I'm night and day where I was years ago, but continuing to heal. But I feel like it's it's helping the next one in line, type of thing. So I help and support people, and I'm I say it all the time. I am honored and humbled to be able to support anyone in their journey. I'm able to help them on the physical side with massage. One of my biggest tools is Reiki energy healing, which speaks to the nervous system on such a deep level. It is so deeply calming to the nervous system, and it helps people release trauma and things from the body, and it helps people bring in clarity, awareness, and things that they want to fill. So Reiki is one of the one of the strongest tools. I actually combine the two. My signature service is a combination of massage and Reiki energy healing. I also offer intuitive coaching, which is more coaching to help someone connect to themselves. I also offer a narcissistic abuse support group, the recovery uh group. And that is, well, I'll speak to the online portion of that, where I help people in this space, whether they're questioning am I in this kind of relationship, once they realize, do I want to leave, how can I leave safely? How can I recover? How can I heal in all of those steps? Again, it comes from a very authentic place in my own life that I genuinely want to help people in their journeys because I do believe on a very basic level, we're all here to help each other. To anyone in this kind of situation, in this environment, the beauty, I talk about this all the time. The beauty and the gift at the end is rediscovering yourself. So please, I always try to offer hope and inspiration that you're not alone and there is support to help you.

SPEAKER_01 27:50

Deanna, thanks for not fucking shrinking. I just you're your light, your energy is so important. And I can't imagine that I didn't know you seven years ago. And you know, it's it's one of those things where I'm so happy to meet you now, and I think people can really benefit from the support and the perspective you have. You are an inspiration. All right, friends, we will see you next week. Thanks for being part of our show.