50: How to Stop Living in a Constant State of Burnout

Daffney challenges the myth that “practice makes perfect,” arguing instead that practice makes you prepared, especially when life doesn’t go according to plan. She explains how burnout and reactivity can leave you living at your “razor’s edge” and why learning to respond instead of react can change how you lead, work, and show up at home. Plus, she shares practical ways to protect your energy, pause before responding, and recognize the difference between healthy boundaries and exhausting blockades.

Ready to stop operating at your edge and start showing up differently? 

Book a Game-Changer Consult with Daffney to identify what’s draining your energy and build a system designed for you!

In This Episode:

• (01:30) The problem with quick fixes
• (06:20) Reacting vs responding
• (10:30) Recognizing your “razor’s edge”
• (16:00) Boundaries and blockades
• (20:40) Be essential with your communication

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

The biggest myth you have ever been sold is that practice makes perfect. We have been believing this line for decades. And the truth is that practice in every area of your life, whether it's fitness, whether it's systems, whether it is your work at large, practice doesn't make perfect. Practice makes prepared. We are digging further into part two of this nervous system reboot. So if you are in a situation where you are at your edge, you are burnt out and yelling at your kids, yelling at traffic, and just done with work for this season. This is your chance to reboot because there's nothing wrong. You're not doing anything wrong. You're just working in an operating system that needs an upgrade. Welcome to Don't F and Shrink, the podcast, where we stop playing small and start showing up big. I'm your host, Daphne Allwine, and I'm here to cut through the noise, ditch the self-doubt, and get honest about what it takes to live and lead with unapologetic confidence. Each week you'll hear unfiltered conversations, powerful stories, and in real life strategies to help you take up space in your life, your work, and your world. So buckle up because shrinking is not an option here. Let's dive in. The reason that we have been so quick to believe that practice makes perfect is because we think there's something wrong with us. There's something we could always be fixing, always a quick fix, quick pill, quick solution, quick diet. Oh God, quick is just the uh the reality of most of my clients' lives. They're looking for a quick solution. And occasionally they're open to a longer solution. But what we really dig into when we work together is what works for you. There's nothing wrong with you. You're not doing anything wrong, but we could definitely give your system a reboot. If you haven't had the opportunity to get into a game changer consult, this is the time. If you're really serious about stepping into this next chapter and having this real clarity of purpose for you directly, this one size fits all idea that everybody can do the same thing and read the same book and try the same diet and it will work is a fallacy. We all know it's a branding, it's a marketing, it's a sales opportunity. The only way you are ever going to move forward is with an individual console, with a actual deep dive into what you want. You are one person. You are an individual who deserves the support to move forward and see what matters to you. This is the one thing that you don't get to skimp on in life. You know, you have one opportunity to make an impact. You have one opportunity to create your legacy. And once you have that level of clarity that comes from your game changer consult, everything starts falling into place a little differently. Your awareness, the way you show up in the world, the way you move forward, the way your body feels when you can get deep dive honest about what's going on. This is a gift I wish I could give to everyone. So when we say today, and we'll dig into a little piece of that when we work with clients, is practice doesn't make perfect. Practice makes prepared. And why that statement is so important is for myself, for my clients, the idea that if we do enough, we can control the outcome, we can control everyone around us, is a fallacy. So when I say, you know, practice makes perfect, there's no perfect, obviously. But what we can do is create a resilience that allows you to continue showing up at your best, even if the circumstances around you cannot be controlled. Because we all fall into that trap, whether as parents, whether as business people, that if we can control enough of the elements in our favor, we will, we will win. We will feel successful. But that is not a sustainable mindset. That is not even a sustainable solution. I mean, whether you are military or CEO or the case may be, everyone knows at the top level, you can't control every variable. And the idea that you are trying to control every variable is exactly what is burning you out. So practice makes prepared. Practice makes sustainable, a system that works specifically for you, and the clarity of knowing what that is and what you invest in is everything. So let's dig into what that means. So we we always talk about how our nervous system is such an integral part of how we move forward in the world. And as a performance physiologist, we we probably actually coin this term because there is this belief that your body and your mind are separate operating systems or your nervous system are separate operating systems that need to be treated differently or even approached differently. But the integration that we really as a team work on is showing you that one can't move forward without the other. So having this real direct plan for you is what's going to move the needle forward. We can notice idiosyncrasies in your movement, in your mechanics. We can notice what's getting stuck in your muscles and your fascia and your nervous system and what you just can't outthink, outrun, and outplan anymore. This integration, this awareness is the, frankly, the game changer for everybody that I get to work with. So let's dig in a little bit into that topic today. Let's dig into the trying to control the world around you versus having a system where you can continue to show up. Because when we are always operating at our edge, right? We always are at the wire line about to break, you know, having big reactions. And we know in business as women, one of the last things we want to do is show up in a way that feels aggressive or emotional, because we're not often treated in the that fair capacity when we have those sort of reactions. We laugh about it when a woman is passionate or emotional about a topic. She's easily and quickly dismissed. Where if a man shows up in that capacity, he's revered. And not to get into the digs of patriarchy, but we want to talk in reality. This is really what is happening with my clients in the boardroom. So what I'm able to do, and what I love, is that I love giving these steps and these systems in place so that women can show up in these high accomplished, successful situations and be seen and heard and get the attention they deserve for their leadership. When you feel like you're at your razor edge, the problem is you are reacting. You're not responding, you are reacting to the things that are around you. So one of the biggest hurdles that we work on first and foremost when I'm working together and we've made it through our game changer consult is finding those areas where you are constantly reacting as opposed to responding. Now, if you are in the board world, you know what that means, right? Somebody comes in, they are somebody who is highly reactionary. And what happens in that context, why it's negative, right? And female or male, but when you walk into a situation and you are reactionary, yes, in the moment you are controlling the room, you are controlling how everybody is responding in the room. But what you're also doing is cutting your legs out from underneath you because you don't realize that people are now uninterested in working with you. They're not showing up as their best because you, as the leader, you as the legacy person in the room needs to show up in an area of not reactionary, right? Leadership is not reactionary. Leadership is responsive. So when you show up in a room and you are responding to the information or the you're very clear about what the agenda is and what you're moving forward on, when you are responding, you have you have given your nervous system that buffer, you have connected your physical body and your mind in that way, then you are more effective. People want to work with you more. They they feel comfortable sharing more ideas and information for you. And as a result, you are a more effective leader. So when you show up, not reactionary, but responsive, people want to work with you. They want to share their ideas. You actually calm their nervous system and give them an opportunity to feel creative and be at their best and show up in a way that is going to send your numbers for the next quarter into a whole new zone. So your responsibility as a leader is to move away from your razor's edge of reaction. And that is one of the very first steps that we work on after a game changer consult is looking at those areas, finding those patterns, and saying, this is how I can move my physical body. These are the mindset markers that we're going to work on and build skills for. And these, this is the thing that's going to give my nervous system the calm and peace it deserves. Once we get past that first step, once we identify and notice those things, and it's funny, it's like clockwork. Once you can see them, you can never not see them again. And it just makes you a more effective leader, not just in the boardroom, not just at the at the firm meeting, like, but actually in your life at home. You show up differently with your children, with your family, with your community, because you are no longer reacting. You have given yourself that space, that peace, and that buffer to know that you want to show up effectively. The awareness of knowing where your edge is before you get there is one of the biggest skills that we build. So, in knowing what that razor's edge is, and it may be, it may feel like it's a person that's causing that reaction, it might feel like a circumstance that's causing that reaction. And it may just be the weather at large, but your reaction is so important because this is what gives us the foundational information to build a better system for you. When I notice with clients that they are coming to their edge every single day, or we come into a meeting, we come into a session where we're moving our physical body, I can see what it's changing in their movement patterns, in the way they speak, in the way that they are even breaking down and verbally sharing the circumstances. It's a dead giveaway to me. What's what's actually going on? You know, sometimes we talk about trauma or fear or even just armor. We do we carry 30 pounds of armor some days. We wake up, we get a bad email or an email that doesn't feel right to us, and we are instantly putting 30 pounds of armor on for the rest of the day, which is exhausting. So one of the really cool things in breakdown with clients is having those conversations and knowing or seeing in advance when that edge is coming so that we can protect ourselves and continue to show up. And sometimes that's a no. Sometimes that is a no, I'm not going to read my emails before I finished my physical workout. Or no, I'm not going to respond immediately to any email that comes into my box. One of my favorite tips with clients who are really dealing with a really high-level issue or a highly reactive issue is to give yourself a cup of coffee. I know it's it's so simple and so straightforward, but when you constantly open yourself up to a situation that is inherently reactive or a or a trigger for you, you don't give yourself the opportunity to do better or feel better. And you get trapped in that loop and response. And chaos is one of those weird sort of feelings that can feel normal to us. If we've always been at our razor edge, if we've always been just at our tipping point and burnout, the idea of stepping away from burnout can feel unsafe. I know for me, one of the biggest hurdles I ever had to accomplish is feeling safe, not feeling like I'm at my edge or not feeling burnout. There was this really deep set belief that I had mindset that I had to work past the idea that if I wasn't pushing my hardest at all times, I was wasting opportunity. I was falling behind. There are so many things that make us believe that if we're not the early bird, if we're not the first person to respond, we're not going to win the lottery. That is an antiquated system. That is a system that does not work and frankly is not sustainable. So we are constantly responding and re-engaging with that loop of chaos and taking our own choices away. When we have the choice, the cup of coffee, as I like to call it, when I have a client and they feel the need to jump on and react and have a response immediately, that is an antiquated way to move forward. And it is always a tripping point. So what I ask clients to do very early on is when we identify past that game changer what some of these reactionary relationship situations or points are that are head, we play the coffee game. At the very least, giving yourself a cup of coffee, five minutes, 10 minutes to pause, reflect, and respond, and maybe even write the email a few times in your head is one of the best ways to get out of that loop. This is a loop that's going to take you nowhere and is going to shorten your career and shorten your potential for success in this career. Because the people, the difference between the clients who are what they call themselves bulletproof and quick to answer is a big chasm of energy. The people who are bulletproof do not give their energy away easily. And the people who are quick to respond are constantly giving it away. One of my favorite other sort of pieces is recognizing before you're at your edge. And part of that is building in that cup of coffee skill where something doesn't feel right, something feels wrong in your body, or it's very just wrong. Instead of reacting, have a cup of coffee, have a glass of water. I have a client that also loves to do push-ups. I think that's probably one of the most beautiful things. I even say, just take a walk. If you can take a 10-minute walk down the hallway all the way back, if you work from home, same thing. Take a walk around the around the block before you respond to anybody trying to steal your peace or your energy or the way you want to show up as an effective leader. Take a walk, take a cup of coffee, do 50 push-ups. That's one of my favorite suggestions from a client so far. And one of the last pieces I really want to dig into today, and we're going to bump into this again, and we're going to do a whole series on our nervous system and rebooting for people who are serious about effective leadership. There is this cycle of boundaries versus blockades. We talked about this a little bit earlier in the talk today, where you come into a boardroom, you come into a meeting, or whatever the context is of your interactions professionally. And instead of setting boundaries within ourselves where this is where we are willing to give away our energy, and this is how we effectively give our energy, the difference is that is a boundary. When you come in on the other side and just create a wall where people can no longer interact with you, you've shut down your ears, you've shut down your heart. And I say this in the way that, you know, we we talked earlier this month with Courtney Cecil. And we talked about shoulder back and energy, especially as women. This is a posture we don't feel comfortable with, that sort of shoulder back, chest up confidence. And that comes from needing to protect ourselves all the time. As women, we constantly feel like we need to protect ourselves or we need to have people focus on different areas of our body, right? When they're speaking to us, you know what I mean. And so in this case, a lot of times in effective leadership, we have trouble assessing the difference between boundaries and blockades. What we can kind of think about it or think of the context in is when you set a boundary, it has everything to do with what you're willing to give, as opposed to a blockade in what are you trying to stop and control? When you're in a meeting today, and I know that there's probably more meetings about meetings than you really want to be in today, I want you to take that assessment. And we'll dig into this a little more next week. So I'm excited to get into this with you. But this is your hot tip, quick takeaway for today to make it a little bit easier, more palatable to walk through. And this doesn't just have to be a boardroom. This could be sitting down to dinner with your family, your extended family, with friends, situations where you don't always feel your most comfortable or where you feel like your nervous system is not at full peace. So when you're sitting across in having a meal or having a meeting, and you notice that it is calling to you as a type A person generally to control the dynamic of everyone around you, that is a blockade. And that blockade requires a lot of energy to maintain. That blockade is gonna keep you from connecting authentically as yourself or anyone else in the room. So instead of setting up a blockade that requires so much energy from you and complete burnout from you, today we're really gonna think about setting up a boundary. And I know sometimes that's an overused word, but when you think about the juxtaposition of a blockade versus a boundary, it changes your entire interaction with everyone around you. What is worth your energy and being essential in that moment? So even though you're in a meeting and you have information to give or you have an objection to offer, giving yourself a breath, a cup of coffee, a sip, whatever the case may be, and choosing not to give your energy away in that situation is the biggest power move you can offer today, because you don't have to be the yapping puppy, right? You don't have to be the person barking and popping up every single time because that's where burnout happens. That is not legacy leadership, whether it's at home or whether it's at the office. So today, when you are sitting across, when you're in a situation that doesn't feel like it's filling you up, it doesn't feel like it's going the way or it's causing you to feel uncomfortable being there. I want you to really think about that context. Creating boundaries versus creating a blockade. Because when you're that yapping, jumping puppy who's always interjecting or feeling affected negatively in a situation, that is a lot of energy being sucked from you. And it's completely ineffective. No one hears the yapping dog anymore, or no one gives place to the yapping dog. So sit, listen, be open to what feels right to you, what doesn't, take notes, scribble on a pad, a couple have a couple sips of water. But I'm gonna ask you to be essential with your communication today. If I can give you one tip, if I can give you one hot take, it's about being essential today. So if you are serious about moving forward in your career or just coming back to your career after a time, maybe after having babies and just reintegrating to that system, this is your opportunity to show up differently, to show up fully as yourself and start playing your own game, start playing your own long game. This life is a marathon. It is not a sprint. The people who focus on the sprint are the people who burn out first. So if you're serious, there is a link in our bio to sign up for the game changer. Sign up and make the investment for you to show up differently, to move differently, to be in a different body physically, mentally, and your nervous system. I look forward to talking to you guys next week.