Ask Ilona: My Husband Nearly Ended My Life

Should you stay in a marriage after domestic violence? Or leave before it’s too late?

In this emotional episode of Ask Ilona, certified family law specialist Ilona Antonyan responds to a heartbreaking question from a woman trapped in a long-term abusive marriage. After years of emotional abuse, control, intimidation, and eventually strangulation, the listener is torn between leaving her husband or believing his promises to change.

Drawing from both her legal experience and her own personal survival story, Ilona breaks down the cycle of abuse, the dangers of strangulation in domestic violence cases, and the difficult emotional realities many survivors face when deciding whether to stay or leave.

This episode explores:
• Domestic violence and emotional abuse
• Strangulation warning signs and homicide risk
• Trauma bonding and cycles of abuse
• Family court and custody issues involving abuse
• California Family Code 3044
• Protecting children in abusive households
• Therapy, healing, and rebuilding after abuse
• Real resources for domestic violence survivors

Ilona also discusses why abusers often become temporarily “perfect” after violent incidents, how victims can protect themselves legally, and why documenting abuse matters in family court.

This is  a deeply personal episode about survival, self-worth, and finding the courage to start over.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, there are resources available to help. You are not alone.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

Alliance for Hope International: www.allianceforhope.org

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:07

Hi guys, I'm Malona Antonian, and this is Ask Alona. I'm a certified family law specialist, and on Askelona, you can ask questions to get my perspective, both legal and as a friend, on your relationship problems. Should you stay or should you go? Is the exact question we're answering today. We got an inquiry from halfway out wifey who has been walking on eggshells due to domestic violence she experienced over a long-term marriage. And she wants to know whether to leave her husband or not after he strangled her. She has a sad story. I'm gonna read the facts to you. Dear Alona, for about 10 years my husband was emotionally abusive, name-calling, dismissing my wants, controlled me in many ways. I didn't leave for years because he wasn't doing well with fatherhood, and I had serious concerns. He wouldn't be able to control himself if he got frustrated or overwhelmed with our young children. I would be concerned as well, but an option is always to leave, and many people decide to stay together for the sake of their children, because if you leave them alone with someone who is emotionally abusive, you're not going to know what's happening when you're not there. Once our children were a bit older, around 11 years into the marriage, he very slowly started listening to me, stopped the disrespectful talk, and stopped controlling me. I had my own life. Sounds like in 11 years you endured a lot of abuse and were able to save your children from it by being the one that's ahead of it, protecting them. At this point, he lost his job, so I was the only income earner. I met a nice man and ended up having an affair. Felt guilty because my husband was finally showing true change, but no one had ever treated me with as much kindness as the man I met, so I continued seeing him. And when you've been mistreated for so long and sacrificed your youth for the sake of your children, and when someone comes and treats you nicely, you're so grateful. It's hard to leave that. It also balances and helps you tolerate the negative relationship at home. This year he found out about the affair had already ended months ago. Again, I felt awful because of the change on my husband. But the moment he found out about my affair, it was like a light switch turned on and the abuse started all over again. Naturally, he would be angry if he like any other person if he found out about the affair, but he has a history of being an abusive person. And what you're describing later in your letter goes far beyond general emotional or physical abuse. Name calling, not letting me leave the room, breaking or taking my phone, sleep deprivation, up to the point where it got physical and he manually strangled me. I paid a lawyer's retainer, and now he's back trying to make up with me. He's in therapy, meal prepping, cleaning, being kind and attentive. He's being so encouraging and great. Now I'm confused. Do I wait it out and see if his behavior finally sticks? Do I continue leaving? We have a nice life, no stress about finances. We've always parented well together. He's a great dad. He just wasn't great to me. And now he's trying. I don't know what's the right choice. Sincerely, halfway out wifey. I don't know what the right choice is. You do. That's why you're asking the question. Name calling, not letting me leave the room, breaking or taking my phone. It's all domestic violence. Sleep deprivation. And I've been in a relationship where I experienced the same thing and I ended after four months. Up to the point where it got physical and he manually strangled me. Strangled me. The statistics when someone takes it to a level and strangles you are that there's a 700% chance that this can end up in homicide because a lot of strangulations go unreported. Strangulations can show symptoms months later, can cause neurological damage, physical damage, and other things. Fortunately, survived the first round, but it can happen again. I mean, I had a same experience where I was married for a short time, and shortly before my wedding, I interrupted my ex and he put his hands over my mouth. And that was the first experience I had with something like that. And then I, because I'm a divorce attorney, I had him take domestic violence classes before we went through the wedding that was all planned. But it happened again. And when it happened again, it was worse. I'm lucky that I'm alive because my neck was all red. He wouldn't let go. It was like an insane person on top of you that went white with nothing in their eyes. And I thought, not gonna say bye to my mom. This is it. This is the moment I go. I was lucky. You were lucky that he didn't strangle and kill you. Because we cannot control the anger and when they're gonna let go off your neck. A couple more seconds could make a big difference between life or death, a brain injury or some permanent damage. He cannot undo. Your question in the end to me was do I wait it out and see if his behavior finally sticks? Or do I continue leaving? Run, leave. Happen once. If it happens again, that could be your last time. You have a chance now to start your new life, find a good therapist, an individual counselor. Give yourself time to find who you are and go back to what you were before this cycle of abuse that you have lived through for many years. I paid a lawyer's retainer and now he's back trying to make it up to me. What can make up for attempted murder? Nothing. Nothing can make up for that. There's no excuse. If he actually would have caused you permanent damage, how could he have made it up to you? He wouldn't be able to. So another way to think about it, if he seriously hurt you and both of you didn't get lucky that you're a right right now to write this and wonder whether you should stay or go, would he even have a chance with you? The answer is no. So he should not have a chance with you now. Said he's in therapy, meal prepping, cleaning, and being kind and attentive. Yes, abusers do that. They have highs and lows. That's how they attract you in back into your relationship, and then you'll start seeing the same signs again, maybe not all at once, but once in a while, you've been in it for a while for some time with him. You may think it's not so bad. It was worse. This is okay. I can live with this because, like you said, we have a nice life. No stress about finances. You can have a nice life without him. He said if we've always parented well together, you can continue parenting well together while living apart and you being safe. I guess you trust him with your children to be alone now that they're older. I'm wondering whether he could do something like that to your kids. Because if you went to family court and you, I don't know if you filed a police report, if there was evidence or photographs or any evidence of him strangling you or breaking or taking your phones. If you have, if you documented any of any of that and showed this in family court, you would get findings that it is not in your children's best interest for him to share in the joint legal and joint physical custody of your children. You have a clear case of domestic violence, severe domestic violence, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, property damage, almost killing you. You should be able to get primary custody of your children and prove under Family Code 3044, look it up, for him to have joint legal or any physical custody, he needs to take other classes like parenting classes and it's not possibly anger management classes. Obviously, you did not file any, didn't press any charges against him, either and either, because I felt sorry for my abuser at the time. But always think about it can take one time for your child to get hurt, for you to get hurt, if he can go to the extreme of strangling you. He could strangle your child. There's always something nice, and some friend and neighbor and cousin will say, he's such a nice, great guy. But that great guy can commit significant damage to someone's life that cannot be undone. So I see him as a danger, and um it's up to you. But I would start a fresh life, which is actually what I did. I did that myself. The reality is this this has been happening for so long that you thought about leaving for many years, but you didn't. You complained to your friends about it, you possibly kept things secret because you didn't want someone to report anything to child welfare services and take your kids away. Because one of the issues becomes did your children witness this? Were they in the house? Have they seen abuse in the house? Have you taken steps to protect them from witnessing this? Think about his actions and behaviors, forms of abuse that weren't strictly related to the affair. Take a piece of paper. On the left hand side, make a list of all the bad things he did to you. On what occasions has he done that? What triggered him? Think back. It may be a painful experience, but it will put things in perspective for you. And then on the right hand side, make a list of good things about him. He's a great dad. Okay, he can continue being a great dad, whether or not you're together. You have a nice life. You could have a very nice life with yourself, with a new man, with your girlfriends, traveling the world and doing whatever you want without anyone controlling whether they agree with what you're doing or not. No stress about finances? You're the creator of that. You can continue to have that, but you can still put it on the right column. You've always parented well together. Okay, that doesn't have to change. Put it on the right hand side. Make that list of all the bad things he's done to you, all of domestic violence, verbal, emotional, physical, and all the good things about him. See, is it worth it? The answer is no, but you'll be able to see it once it's on paper. I send my ex to domestic violence classes and anger management classes before our wedding after the first attempt to suffocate me. Did that make a difference? Zero. He almost killed me shortly before the wedding. Although I'm smart and I'm an attorney and I've seen it, I still married him. I should have made the list I'm telling you to make right now. But after that I left and there was no going back. Yeah, the feelings, there's gonna be there's a lot of pain. A lot of pain, and you sometimes even feel sorry for the person who did it to you when you shouldn't. And those are the things that you need to work on to value who you are as a human, as a woman, things you've gone through. You could date, you could see the world. Do you want to do that with him and take a chance that there's gonna be a potential fight, an argument that could result in a physical altercation or some sort of abuse? I mean, look at the men who throw their wives off the mountains when they go hiking. You know, there are plenty of those cases. Couples go on a cruise together, somewhere to Mexico or Caribbean, all of a sudden the spouse is gone, oops, they fell off the ship. They went hiking together, and oops, somebody fell off and slipped off the cliff. That could be you. I'm not trying to scare you, but if someone is not psychologically stable, then strangulation to me means he's not psychologically stable and he can be like a flame, go off like that, pushing someone would be very easy and not reversible. You say I don't know what the right choice is. I think you've known the entire time that the right choice is for you to leave. Many times you probably threatened, I'm gonna leave you. I don't deserve this. My kids don't deserve this. You thought that you stayed in a relationship for some time because you thought your kids didn't deserve the potential abuse that they would be exposed to because of his nature. You distracted yourself with an affair with a nice man. So again, you could stay in a relationship with him rather than leave him because it kept your mind off and you're able to tolerate him being with him. Otherwise, he wasn't your source of entertainment or source of your desire. You've known each other for a long time, you share children together, but did you really want to be with him? Imagine you went on the first date with him and you knew what he did to you, but you were that was his ex-girlfriend that he did all those things to. Would you want to date this guy? Would you take a chance on him? Probably not. You would run. I mean, imagine sitting in a bar and the guy tells you, Oh yeah, my ex-wife left me because I got mad at her because she was cheating on me and I'm a victim. So I strangled her. She's, you know, we're both lucky I didn't kill her, but I was so mad and I strangled her. And I feel so guilty about that. I would do anything in the world to undo it. You would know there is more behind that story, and you would now go on another date with him. So do the same with your husband. Protect yourself. It's never worth it to stay with an individual, poor or rich, when they're abusive to you. When it happens, leave. Because you have a short time on this earth, and you're in control of your life and every chapter that you write. And think of your life as a book. Those chapters you wrote to us about either continue that chapter, that may end really badly. Or there can be the next chapter where that door is closed, a new door, opportunities, new people, clarity, purpose, and greater happiness awaits you. Write your next chapter to be everything you want to be for anyone living through domestic violence, whether it's emotional abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse towards you or your children. There are many resources and help out there. Locally in San Diego, you can go to one safe place. There's one in North County and one in South Bay. They can help you file a case, get a restraining order, and also collect the evidence related to the incident. Many people don't report abuse and live through it for a while and seek a consultation from an attorney on what to do. And sometimes it takes many rounds of abuse before someone decides to leave their relationship. That's okay. Along the way, there are many support groups that will connect you to people who are living through the same but are not ready to take the step to leave. We have more resources in the description. Check it out. There are links to helpful websites. Alliance for Hope International has specific training institute on strangulation prevention, and they have survivor-focused pages that include warning signs after strangulation, medical risks, safety planning, and a lot of educational videos, including statistics. So it may be interesting for you just to learn more about that, to understand it's more serious than you thinking, like, oh, I'm Brazilian. You know, I made it, I survived it. It's fine, I live through it. There are other consequences you're not considering. So take a look. Alright, friends, thank you for listening. Thank you for sharing your private stories, painful stories. I'm honored to be able to give you advice, whether you follow it or not, that's your life. You can send us your questions to podcast at antoniamiranda.com. We look forward to helping you with your relationship problems on Askalona.