Ask Ilona: Ex's New Girlfriend Sabotaging Daughter's Treatment

A mother writes in with a difficult co-parenting dilemma involving a blended family, a child recovering from hospitalization, suspected celiac disease, and repeated CPS threats from her ex-husband's girlfriend.

In this episode of Ask Alona, we break down the legal, emotional, and practical challenges parents face when disagreements arise over a child's medical treatment. What rights do parents have when making healthcare decisions? How should you respond to threats of Child Protective Services involvement? And what can you do when an ex-spouse's new partner begins interfering in parenting matters?

This discussion covers co-parenting communication, custody concerns, medical decision-making, CPS allegations, family court considerations, documenting evidence, protecting children from emotional harm, and navigating blended family dynamics.

Whether you're dealing with a difficult co-parent, a high-conflict custody situation, or disagreements about your child's health and well-being, this episode provides practical guidance to help you focus on what matters most: your child.

Transcript

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Hi everybody, welcome to Ask Alona, the show where I answer your relationship and marriage questions and help you through whatever challenges you're facing, whether it be with custody, co-parenting, or just dealing with the circumstances surrounding your divorce or relationship. Today we've got a letter from a woman who's struggling to juggle the complexities of a blended family and parenting a child going through medical circumstances made even more challenging when her ex-husband's new girlfriend disagrees with the treatment. Alright, so here's a letter I received from include a name. There's no name. Dear Lona, my ex-husband and I share custody of our three children. I'm remarried and have additional children with my current husband. Until recently, co-parenting has been relatively peaceful. However, since my ex's girlfriend moved in a few months ago, communication has become increasingly difficult. In May, one of our children was hospitalized for five days with kidney stones, a kidney infection, and sepsis. During her hospitalization, I kept my ex informed, but he did not visit or call to check on her. When she was discharged, I told him the hospital pediatricians had recommended working her up for celiac disease because of my own diagnosis and her other autoimmune conditions. Since her appointment with the specialist isn't for a few months, I temporarily started her on a gluten-free diet while we wait for further testing based on the doctor's concerns about possible malabsorption contributing to her chronic kidney stones. My husband and I have provided gluten-free food for my ex to use during his parenting time so there wouldn't be any additional expense or inconvenience. Since then, my ex and his girlfriend have repeatedly threatened to report me to CPS. They have not identified any specific concerns, but his girlfriend has told my children multiple times that if my daughter doesn't end up having celiac disease, she's going to report me for abuse. Not good. My children are now anxious and confused because they're hearing these threats directly. I've asked my ex to bring any concerns to me rather than discussing them with the children. And I invited both him and his girlfriend to meet and discuss a parenting plan. Ring ring ring, we'll come back to that. To make things even more confusing, my ex has recently expressed that he wants less parenting time while simultaneously accusing me of neglect and abuse. My questions are: how should I respond to repeated threats of CPS report when those specific concerns have been raised? Is there anything I can do to stop them from making these comments to children? Should I be documenting these incidents or taking other steps to protect myself and my children? I'm looking for practical legal and co-parenting advice on how to handle this situation. So what I'm going to do right now is break it down paragraph by paragraph, give you my reaction, comments, and things to think about. And then we'll summarize and answer your questions. Starting with, my ex and I share custody of our three children, I'm remarried and have additional children with my current husband. That tells me you are not jealous of your ex having a new girlfriend or that she's moving in with him. She's probably been in a picture for some time. You have moved on. You have children with your husband. Next, until recently, co-parenting has been relatively peaceful. You put in the word relatively. You're correct. It's never perfect. But it seems like you've been able to work it out, and probably your husband is patient and has been able to also deal with this in a way that's in the children's best interest, you can all co-parent together. But now we have a new the ex your ex's new girlfriend move in a few months ago, and she is butting in too much, making communication difficult. I wonder how long they've been together before she moved in. Because how does it make a difference that just because she moved in, now the communication is difficult rather than before while she was in his life? But that's different discussion. In May, one of our children was hospitalized for five days with kidney stones, kidney infection, and sepsis. I'm sorry to hear that. Glad she got help, and you're taking steps to help her feel better through a gluten-free diet until you get final results. It's very honorable that you are keeping your ex informed and sad that he did not care to visit or call to do check-in on his daughter the whole five days she's in a hospital. He didn't act in the best interest of his child, regardless of his feelings and anger of however it might have gone down that your child ended up being hospitalized. I think it's important to put emotions aside from facts that impact your children's lives and the memories that they're gonna have are related to very significant events in their life, such as hospitalization. She must feel not supported by him, and he should do something about that to cure their relationship. But then he also expressed recently he wants less parenting time while simultaneously accusing you of neglect and abuse and wondering whether the girlfriend is the one interfering in his ability to make sound decisions, including visiting his own daughter at the hospital. If that's so, then maybe they'll make the best choice that he'll see in time. It's not something you can do anything about at this point. You'll just have to tolerate it and do what's best for your kids. Meanwhile, she doesn't have her appointment for the next few months, and you started her on gluten-free diet while you wait for further testing based on doctors' concerns. You're doing the right thing. Okay, the next part is that you and your husband have provided gluten-free food for your ex to use during his parenting time, so there wouldn't be additional expense or inconvenience. I think it's very nice that you're doing that. And perhaps you had experiences in the past where when you requested that he provide certain things for the children, he wouldn't do them because of the additional expense or inconvenience. So you've taken steps to just make it easy for him and give those things to him. But I can also see how from his side, he may see this act as you seeing him incompetent and being able to provide those things himself. And I'm sure in the bonding between him and his girlfriend, she thinks that you that you have certain opinions of him or of them, of being incapable of taking proper care, of being incapable of providing financially for certain things. In their opinion, you know better than they do what's best for the kids. It comes down to power struggle. So you're trying to do what's best for your daughter and making it easy for him, but they're probably reading it as you being controlling, you forcing things on them that they may not agree with, that they haven't confirmed, and they're not taking your word for it. What's the best way to show that it's not just you being controlling or demanding or wanting to push a diagnosis you have onto your children is to obtain documentation from a doctor that states, if you haven't done so already, that pending appointment with a specialist in a couple of months, it is recommended that your daughter start in a gluten-free diet to see if that improves her condition anyway. If you get something in writing from a doctor, it's not coming from you, it's coming from a professional. And perhaps this offer that you're making of accepting for him to accept gluten-free food during his parenting time will be more palatable to him and best for your daughter. So since then, my ex and his girlfriend have repeatedly threatened to report me to CPS. So if it's since you provided gluten-free food to use during his parenting time, they're threatened by what you're doing. They don't believe that the diagnosis or the suspected diagnosis of celiac disease is real. They're not taking it seriously. They think that you're using it potentially to build some sort of a case and take away custody or to make yourself look like you are the more caring, more able parent to take care of the health issues that your daughter has that they may think you're inventing. Now, you're not inventing it. You obviously have your own diagnosis, which could be shared with your children. So there is more to that. There's probably history to the whole celiac disease. And I know there's a large disagreement often about people with like the parents when it comes to parenting about offering gluten-free foods versus not. Until you get diagnosis, which is going to be several months, you're going to be struggling with this. And unfortunately, psychological and emotional damage could be done to your children because of threats and arguments related to this that are unnecessary. So, how do you put this to rest now? So this doesn't continue until you actually get actual diagnosis. And what if after your daughter sees a specialist, she doesn't have celiac disease? You haven't done anything wrong by offering her gluten-free diet. It's still healthy food, you're being cautious. And after your child has been hospitalized for five days with kidney stones and kidney infection and sepsis, why not try to change her diet to see if that helps her? He's processing this information from a completely different perspective than you are. He's not child focused, he's you focused, and the girlfriend is focusing him on you and what's wrong with you and what is your motivation. You're not going to be able to control how they react to this. You can only control your behavior and what you do. Whether or not they're going to change their mind and their behavior will depend on what facts you provide them that they accept as credible evidence. Facts that not only would convince them, but if you were ever in court, would convince the court or child welfare services, CPS, if you had a deal with them. Since my ex and his girlfriend have repeatedly threatened to report me to CPS, they have not identified any specific concerns, but his girlfriend told my children multiple times that if my daughter doesn't end up having celiac disease, she's going to report me for abuse. I mean, that's almost emotional abuse in and of itself. I don't know if you guys have any court orders or not in place. You probably do since you divorced this one and you're remarried. Check your court order for no negative comments provision. Most court orders would include something that says neither parent shall make negative comments in front of the children about each other or discuss any court process in front of them or share court papers. Most likely you don't have an order that says that they shall ensure that no third parties make negative comments about the parents or the court proceedings in front of the children. Obtain a court order if necessary if it goes there by filing a motion with the court asking for no negative comment order and for an order that requires your ex to ensure that his girlfriend does not um make any threats against you in front of the children. She does not use your children as a messenger. It's certainly an issue you can raise in front of the court. What she's doing is not good for the kids, not good for a relationship, and she's interfering and probably is a reason why he wants to have less custody. I mean, his position is contradictory where he wants less parenting time while he's also accusing you of neglect and abuse. So if you're being neglectful and abusive, wouldn't you want more parenting time to protect your kids against the abusive and neglectful parent? Yes, but that's not the case here. So it is what I hear is just a lot of anger that's driven by something that's fueled by something that's going on that I don't know what it is. We need to get to the root issue. What is that? And if you are able to get to the bottom of that, perhaps you'll just all be able to focus on how to best be supportive of your daughter while she is what anxiously waiting for her diagnosis and has been recently released from hospital and is recovering. She doesn't need additional stress of family drama. So bad choice on your ex's part. Seems like not to control his girlfriend and put her in her place. There's nothing you can do about that. You asked your ex to bring any concerns to you rather than discussing them with the children. And he declined. He's an idiot. Next, you invited both of them and his girlfriend to meet and discuss a parenting plan, and he declined. Bottom line is is he seeing this entire situation as an opportunity that you are grasping on to get more custody? Or are you simply responding back to his expressed desire to have less time with the children and want to have a discussion? Either way, you're the one who is offering to speak and talk, and they're not. So I'm wondering, are you communicating through our talking parents? If not, then perhaps that would be a good order to obtain through court so you can document all communications regarding your children's health and well-being and medical records, and it'll be easy to present it in court if you ever have to go there. If you're communicating through text messages, that works as well. There are apps that you can use to download your text messages through PDF, whether you have an iPhone or an Android phone, and then use those pages that help show your story in court or mediation to show whether he is responsive or hostile and what the how communicative he is when it comes to children's needs and co-parenting. So here your questions are: how should I respond to repeated threats of CPS report when there are no specific concerns that have been raised? How do you respond to him when the threat for CPS report comes from girlfriend to the child, then to you? I mean, that's a huge problem, how it's being communicated. And they're declining to meet with you, they're declining to speak with you. Their only way is to do it in writing. What I would do is I would write either a long text message. I don't know if you have the girlfriend's phone number or not. I would send a text message to both of them, or I would write an email to both of them. I would not send any letters through your child to be delivered during his custodial time. I would say something like this. I understand you may have concerns. Please identify the specific concern in writing so I can address it with the child's doctors. The gluten-free diet is temporary and is based on medical concerns raised after hospitalization. I provided food for your parenting time, so there is no added burden. Please do not discuss CPS threats or abuse allegations with the children. If you have a concern, bring it to me directly or raise it with a child physician. Provide the physician's contact information. I don't know if he has access to the portal, but offer options for him to register if he doesn't have one or add him as an additional contact if that hasn't been done. So you don't have a duty to really communicate with a girlfriend at all or parent with her, but she's going to be in the picture, at least for some time, will be interfering, and it will be in his ear. So whether you want to or not, for now you have to deal with both of them. And if you present the facts to both of them at the same time, that's better than presenting it to one, and the other one is unaware of what information you shared and gets partial picture, and then it doesn't help your cause or your what's best for your child. So present it to both of them. Again, you will not be able to change your behavior or their mindset. And if you ever have to go to court, the emails, the text that you're gonna send, and that supported by documentation for medical providers, including the letter you're gonna obtain about the gluten-free diet and the medical records will help you. So not only are you co-parenting, not only are you providing documents that he should be able to obtain himself, but is not doing so, but you're making real effort for your daughter's medical health. Now let's talk about her emotional health. How do you stop them from making negative comments when no specific concerns have been raised? We say no specific concerns have been raised, they read between the lines. The concern that he has or the girlfriend has is that you're making up the celiac disease that the child needs to be gluten-free. Now, even if so, like what's the harm? What's the big deal? That's not abuse. A lot of people, even without having celiac disease, choose to eat gluten-free diet. It can't do any harm, can only do good. So there's some instability there in their emotional response to this. I'm not sure what drives it. There's more to the story of why they're reacting like a match fired up about something that should not result in such a strong reaction of declining to speak with you, communicating with you, and making threats to CPS. So, how should you respond to repeated threats? Invite him to identify specific concerns that they have, invite him to attend the appointment your daughter has with a specialist in three months, provide the doc the doctor's name, time, and location. Invite them both to come, let them participate, let them be part of it. In fact, your daughter may feel supported that although he didn't show up to the hospital for five days, which was a total asshole move not to do that, that he'll be there for her for a specialist appointment. Although you've been in charge of making those appointments and caring for your daughter, and you are the hero in this, let him be part of it. Because it's not about you being the hero, it's about your daughter having both parents there and perhaps softening the bad memory that she had of her dad not visiting her hospital by him being there at the next appointment. I think some rules need to be set that it invite him first and then indicate that I hope you guys can make it. I'm interested in hearing what the diagnosis is. I would like for you to be part of it so you hear it themselves. Again, gluten-free diet is only a precautionary measure pending the diagnosis. It does no harm if she doesn't have it. Then we'll continue on as we have before. I just hope that this is going to be a peaceful appointment that we can all get along and ensure that our daughter feels supported by both parents and you, whatever your girlfriend is, as it relates to her medical condition. Because the goal is for the fighting and the animosity between your households pass through the children, affecting their emotional well-being to stop. Because you deeply care about your daughter. That's why you're taking the extra steps to provide for her while she's in father's care. Wars matter a lot. It's a matter of how you deal with people who are highly reactive. Next question is Is there anything I can do to stop them from making these comments to the children? I would again nicely ask. Please do not make any threats to the children about reporting me to CPS. It is harmful, it causes them stress and anxiety. You know, please text me directly, communicate with me directly. Put that in writing because if they do that again, then I think there is some action you should take to stop that. If it's not helpful, yes, you have to take steps to protect your children from further psychological damage caused by the threats that he is not controlling made by the girlfriend. So your question was should I be documenting these incidents? Or taking steps to protect myself and my children. You have nothing to worry about to protect yourself. You're not doing anything wrong at all. If CPS calls you, be calm. Don't worry. This is not a case. They're gonna investigate and find you to be neglectful in any way or abusive in any way. You have medical records to support your daughter's hospitalization. There, it's not illegal or wrong at all whether or not one has celiac disease diagnosis to be on a gluten-free diet. You're doing nothing wrong at all. If you get a call from C CPS, call them back. You don't even need a lawyer. You're not gonna be in any trouble. You can tell it how it is, provide medical records if they request it. And this is not even a case they're gonna investigate. It's an empty threat by the girlfriend. I'll be worried about protecting your children from the poisonous comments that are impacting their stress levels when they're between the two households, and the poisonous comments uncontrolled by your ex. Does she want them all to herself and less time with kids? Possibly. Does she want to have kids with him and you're have your kids out of the picture? Possibly. There are women like that. Maybe she's one of them. I don't know what's up with him, but you know, he's not setting up for his kids. If she's treating his kids like this right now and is acting crazy, because I think it's crazy to threaten a child to report their mom to CPS, then what's gonna happen if he ever has a kid with her or if they're breaking up? What kind of threats is she gonna make towards him? Probably worse than that. That's for later. And you're gonna have to protect your children from being in that environment. Here, your next question is I'm looking for practical legal and comparing advice how to handle the situation. If your daughter doesn't have a therapist, I would get her an appointment with a child therapist because she's going through stress and some confusion right now. Things that she's probably hearing in his household that you may or may not know, that she would share in confidence with the therapist to work through that as you guys are working on either changing a parenting plan, limiting it or not. And after post-diagnosis, depending on what it is, their reaction is yet to be determined depending on how they process the documentation you provide from the medical providers. I think she'll need that support. Even if you're loving and caring, it would be good for her to have someone else to speak to. And guess what? If the therapist feels like anything that's happening in father's household re is abusive, whether it's emotionally abusive, then they're mandatory reporters and they will have to call child welfare services on him or his girlfriend. I'm not saying use a medical professional psychologist or therapist to set up the other party. But if there are things going on, comments or other things your daughter witnessed that she may not want to tell you, and I would not question or cross-examine her. That's not good to do the kids. Let her go to someone that she may feel comfortable with, that she will share that with. And that person, if it raises that level, will make an independent report to child welfare services the other way around. I think I've given you the practical advice already. Legal advice is as follows: try to work it out by providing documents with information from third-party sources. Send peaceful text messages and emails. If you're angry, then first if you use Chat GPT or Claude, run it through Chat GPT and make it co-parenting friendly before you send it to the other side. Remember, every text message, every email you send can be used in court. If he responds angrily or ignores you, you can use that later. Sounds like you are considering changing parenting time already, and he as well. So if you're to go the legal route and he doesn't want to meet with you and change anything without going to court, step one is you file a request for order to modify custody and visitation. You're really just gonna be modifying visitation. Now you're I think it's best for the kids to have both parents in their life, not to cut out the other parent unless there's a real problem. But you have to find out is there a real problem that you may not be aware of or not, aside from your conflicts and disputes regarding medical care and treatment. So if you file a motion for custody and visitation, your hearing will be scheduled in about 60 to 90 days since you've last divorced him. Your case likely has been reassigned to a different judicial officer because they rotate approximately every two to three years. If you log in on Superior Court website, you can look up your case and see who your judge is right now. File your motion. You're gonna get a family court services mediation date prior to you having a court hearing in 60 to 90 days. Now, what do you submit with your paperwork to court to ask for change in custody and visitation? You're gonna build up your case between now and the time you do it. First, you're gonna write a declaration that explains what happened when your daughter was hospitalized. You're gonna explain the threats through your daughter. Do not have your children write any declarations at all or any letters. You do not want to involve them. That's a bad move. It's not healthy for them. The courts hate it. Don't do that. It only has to come from you. You're going to prepare your declaration in a chronological order that explains what happened, when it happened, how you tried to resolve the issue, what information you offered and provided him. You attach his exhibits. I don't know if you're if you're a petitioner or respondent, but you'll either have exhibits one through whatever number or A through whatever number. Petitioners have, anyways, I'm not going to get into the procedural details, but uh let's say your exhibit one is your email or text sent to the girlfriend on whatever date. Don't forget to include the response as well. Even if it's attacking you back or it's saying something that makes sense, include the whole conversation. That's a rule of completeness. Anyways, include exhibit one, your text message, and whatever documents you provided, including medical records, letters from doctors. You will have a lodgment you'll prepare. Exhibit one, my text message to him and his girlfriend date at whatever date, offering X, Y, and Z. Exhibit two, medical records provided to father on such and such date showing this. Exhibit three, letter from a doctor confirming that gluten-free diet is supported until the specialist appointment. I'll provide it to father on such and such date and his girlfriend. Exhibit four, um, hospitalization discharge records confirming the child's diagnosis and additional testing needed, or she's going to show diagnosis of autoimmune disease she has. Uh, because uh you do it as a lodgement because the children's uh medical records are confidential. So prepare your declaration of chronological order every time you communicate with them, save those screenshots, their responses. Um, and then if everything goes well and they show up to the appointment your daughter has with the specialist, and then it resolves it, then you can invite them to go to mediation and work out a parenting plan without going to court. If it doesn't, and their behavior gets worse and they start making threats against you because, oh, look, she's not diagnosed and you're making it all up, and whatever other hostilities may arise at that time, then I would recommend filing a motion with the court to put the girlfriend in check. You'll get a family court service mediation appointment before you go to court. That uh you've probably done that before. Attorneys are not allowed. Each one of you will appear by yourselves. You'll prepare a data sheet that you fill out in advance. It's gonna indicate what sort of custody visitation order you want. I don't recommend that you ask for so legal or so physical custody because that's going to give this case a completely different theme that they are probably gonna accuse you of, that you just want to have all control and custody and cut them out. The policy in the state of California is for children to be with a parent that is more likely to provide frequent and continuing contact with the others. You don't want to seem like the one who is trying to restrict that. That is why you should offer opportunities between now and the time you have to go to court to give them a chance to participate and be on equal footing and see how they react. If they don't show interest, like they haven't when they didn't show up to the hospital, they don't show up to the appointment, you know, their be their behavior speaks louder than words and text messages and what they may put in their declarations. You'll meet with a mediator that's going to ask about where you guys live, who's in the household, where you all work, what's your schedule, what's the current custody schedule, and then discuss your concerns. I recommend you don't interrupt him when he speaks, and vice versa. If he makes points that you disagree with, keep a notepad and write down what you need to respond to when it's your turn. The mediator is not going to review any documents or court orders without any party first seeking permission from the court for them to do so. So you have to be ready for mediation. You can hire a lawyer to prepare you for that. There are also former family court services mediators who prepare parties for those appointments. It is often a popularity contest who does best under pressure in a short period of time, but you have strong points. And as long as you are able to show that you are communicating, regardless of how they're responding, keeping it peaceful, focusing on just the best interests of the children, meaning on them rather than getting emotional about the girlfriend and their reaction and calling each other names or just being reactive. If you can be the mature one in this, that'll go a long way. You and him broke up already because you were not able to resolve these issues before. You tried. I'm sure when you guys were together, before it was all over, you tried to work it out and it didn't work out. And now you have a plus one that has something in common with him, person you did not work things out with, that you have zero power to get out of the picture. He sees you as being married and with kids, and he's starting his own thing, and they're gonna see you as an interference if you're going to try and turn him against her. So you can't. You just have to give him facts and information for them to make their own decision. They're intelligent enough to properly process it. But they'll see through their own lens. Ultimately, if they cannot, then the court will do what's right for the kids because they're gonna look at the evidence objectively and not from the different biases and subjective perceptions that you all have based on your past experiences with each other. Should you stay or should you go? What do you do now that you need to navigate shared custody or child support? Please feel free to reach out and send us your questions to podcast at antonianmiranda.com. We will also be starting call ins soon. So send us a message if that is something you'll be interested in as well. We appreciate it, and we'll see you next time on Ask Alona.