The Mother’s Day Gift I Actually Wanted

What do moms really want for Mother’s Day?

Sometimes it’s not brunch. Sometimes it’s not flowers. Sometimes it’s not a spa day.

In this episode, we unpack the Mother’s Day moment that became much bigger than cupcakes, graduation party planning, or one quick conversation in the car. 

We talk about why asking for what you really want can feel so vulnerable, why moms often don’t know how to answer the question “What do you want?” and why the mental load is rarely just about the task itself. 

This one is for anyone who has ever wanted to say: “I don’t need a grand gesture. I need relief.”

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:05

All right, welcome to the Mental Load Chronicles. You I'm sure noticed that we did not drop an episode last week. Um, because last weekend, Sunday, was Mother's Day. And I looked at you, I don't know, sometime during the day, and I said, We don't have an episode for tomorrow, and I don't really want to record an episode for tomorrow. You said, It's Mother's Day. I think you get to do what you want to do. Yep. And I already, you know, had we had been at a gymnastics meet for like four hours. Because I scheduled one for Mother's Day. Uh-huh. And, you know, that was, I mean, look, watching our kid compete, it's it's a highlight for me.

SPEAKER_00 0:42

Yeah, it's bones down, it's a highlight for me. But it's but it's not, it's an hour drive there, three hours there, and an hour drive there. And you gotta be and you gotta be there 45 minutes early.

SPEAKER_01 0:50

Yeah, to watch your kid for like two minutes.

SPEAKER_00 0:53

Literally, because it's four events, each event is less than a minute, and yeah, and like you're talking about.

SPEAKER_01 0:58

Yeah. So so that's a highlight for me. But it's like two minutes of the five hours of the highlight. And but it's and the rest of it is a slug. So that was half of Mother's Day. Yeah. And so then when it came to like, what do you want to do for the rest of the day? And you know, I had said to you, actually, what I want is less anxiety. Like I just the biggest gift that I could be given today would be to get some things off of my list because we've got our oldest um graduation party actually coming up this next weekend. And I just knew how much was waiting for me at home. And that weighs on me. So then it's really hard to go just have fun, right? It's hard to be like, you know what, let's go bowling. And the whole time we're bowling, I'm just gonna think about the 25 things not getting done right now. Yeah. Right. So I think, you know, then then you and I kind of got into like almost a little spat in the car because I had said to you, actually, what I really want to do is when we get home, I want to go through who's picking up what for her graduation party. And you were like, I'm not doing that. Like, I don't want to do that. Well, and and it was, yeah, right. Well, and I said to you, hang on a second. You asked how you asked how you can relieve stress and pressure. I gave you the literal answer on how we can do that. And your response was basically no.

SPEAKER_00 2:13

Well, here's the thing: I didn't think that would actually relieve stress and stress and pressure because it was things like who's gonna pick up the cupcakes the day before her party. I don't know. She's got a car, I've got a car, you've got a car, my parents will be in town, my brother will be in town. Yeah, somebody can go five minutes from our house and pick up cupcakes. So, like, I didn't think we needed to plan down to that level. And my fear was that if we did that, it would cause you even more anxiety because then it's like, oh crap, well, you gotta go pick up the cupcakes in five minutes. And it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, I don't think we need to. I'm alter planning.

SPEAKER_01 2:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:50

I don't think I didn't think we needed to plan at that level.

SPEAKER_01 2:52

Because because you don't need to plan at that level. I think, and we've talked about that, that you and I just have really different styles of how we get ready for things, which we've seen in the birthday parties, right? Where I'll look at you and say, Did you bring this? Oh no, I just figured the place would have it. Like, did you right? And so I like to plan for every situation. I was a very good girl scout. You were, yeah. And and it actually makes me really good as our household manager and in my job in my career. You're absolutely your very opposite where you're just fly by the seat of your pants and just assume like things will get worked out.

SPEAKER_00 3:26

No, no, like like here's the thing. Like, uh, it's not like like because we want you want you, you just did this amazing thing where you went through and you got like a hundred pictures of our daughter and from throughout her life, and then photoshopped them into circles, which you then sent to a company you found on Etsy, and they sent back the stickers and cupcake toppers that you could put on the cupcakes. Yeah, it's incredible. Like, well done. Okay. Um, I agree that we gotta order cupcakes to make sure we have cupcakes that are the right size and that they're ready and they're the right flavors. Okay. I don't think we need to plan who's gonna pick up the cupcakes a week two weeks from now, right? We're two weeks out at that point. When you had a 48-hour essentially pickup window, and we got a bunch of people who are just gonna be asking us constantly, who how can I help? How can I help? That's how can I help?

SPEAKER_01 4:14

That is it. So when we get to that weekend, everyone will look at me and say, How can I help? What can I do? And we know that um different people in our lives have different limitations, whether those are physical or just like I'm not nervous. No, but but I guess my point is like I have to think about there are people in our lives who will say, How can I help? And they're not saying, How can I help? Where then, like, if I say no, I got it, they're gonna walk away and go do something else. Yeah, they're gonna say, How can I help? And then they're gonna hover about six inches from my face until I give them a job. Yeah, and that is anxiety and pressure on that day. On top of why isn't this on time? The cupcakes aren't right, they've got to remix.

SPEAKER_00 5:03

All I was trying to say is while yes, I would agree, I'm way more fly by the seat in my pants than you are. I am also not like so fly by the seat of my pants that I'm just like, let's wake up to one running oven, go find cupcakes.

SPEAKER_01 5:14

Oh my gosh. No, no, no, no, no. No. Although I do think pre-me, you would have just woken up and gone to heat supers and just picked up a thousand percent of cup. And it's been a good thing.

SPEAKER_00 5:23

If I was married to you and went to my career and my life, and in like a thousand percent. I'm not denying that. A hundred percent. You would be calling or I don't know if I'd even had kids, but like I yeah, it would be that poor kid wouldn't have a graduation party if it was just on me for new. A thousand percent.

SPEAKER_01 5:42

Well, okay, so so but it gets back to the crux of in that moment, the amount that I felt unseen and unheard was extraordinary. And because here it is, it's Mother's Day. Everybody's asking, what do you want? What do you want to do? And I think every Mother's Day I've sort of been like, I don't know, whatever. And then it it kind of falls flat because I haven't really directed like this is what I want, or like my birthday, right? We have the same sort of issue with my birthday. Because I don't tend to speak up. I don't tend to say, you know what, actually, this is what I want, or this is what I want to go do. And in that moment, I felt like I was going out on a limb to sort of say, this is the thing that actually at the end of the day will make me feel like, oh, yeah, that's great. And then you were like, nope, not doing that. Yeah, pick something else.

SPEAKER_00 6:31

So I I apologize. I give it. I one of the things I want to uh kind of let our audience in on is this this whole conversation was less than a minute, right? Because we were, I remember we're shut down, we were turning, getting a turn left. And by the time that started when we were pulling up through a red light, and by the time the light had turned green, I had come to my senses and said, if you want to do it later, let's do it.

SPEAKER_01 6:53

But then we didn't because then I wasn't willing to protect.

SPEAKER_00 6:56

And I and you didn't bring us back and and I and I and I get it. And so it was a it was a hollow gesture on my part, but like it took all of that two minutes for me to go, oh crap, and to offer to offer to to to do it.

SPEAKER_01 7:09

And I and I get that. And I think what what folks fail to realize, and this is like I'm speaking to the people who don't carry the totality of the mental load in the relationship. The minute you dismiss something like that, the person who's carrying the mental load who often won't ask for help because they know it won't get done the way they want it to, or the way it needs to, and those are very two different things, and we've talked about that before. But there are sometimes things that need to get done a certain way, and then sometimes it's just the way we want it done. But for for someone to come out and say vulnerably, because I think, I think, you know, moms know, and this is sort of a meme on Instagram or TikTok at this point of all these moms saying, like, I think what we're supposed to say is we want to go somewhere with our children and we just want to be smothered by them all day. And um, Kristen Bell actually posted and she talked about, nope, I want a spa day with my girlfriends, away from my children. I love being a mom. It is one of the most fulfilling parts of my life. But on that day, I actually just want to break. Yeah. And and I think that was my way of saying, I want to break. I want to break from the mental load. I want to break from the worry and the stress and the checklists and the I want, I want to take that pressure valve and open it up. And so the minute I was shut down, I shut down. And then I just couldn't come back to it and we didn't come back to it. So we still haven't done it. So, you know, and that that is like it's hard to ask for. I think you know, and I'd be curious to know what you think in terms of like Father's Day and your birthday, because I think you struggle with it too.

SPEAKER_00 8:47

Oh, I'm actually gonna ask for something this year.

SPEAKER_01 8:49

Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah. But I think it's hard. I so so yeah, let's talk about that. I I think it's hard though.

SPEAKER_00 8:57

No, but here's the thing, ask for what you actually I was actually thinking about this on my hike today, and I may have said this to you before. Um I'm amazed that you picked me to get married or to end for a relationship. And and the reason for that is you are the pickiest person I I've ever had a relationship with. Like, and and you know, it's like I screw up every birthday, I screw up like because like I I stop trying to buy you jewelry or uh clothes or like anything like that because you just go, oh, thanks, and you take it back, right? Like, like it's it's and so it's really, really hard to to get stuff for you or to plan a day for you if you don't tell me exactly what you want. Yeah, because you have a very specific, you're a very spicy, maybe isn't the right word. You're a very particular person and you want things done a particular way. And so like I would be afraid to like plan a spa day for you that you would say, How dare you want to plan a day away from our kids? It's Mother's Day. Right, right, right, right, right. And and then if I don't do that, right. So again, I I I should have just said, great, let's talk about that super specific planning, because if that's what you needed in that moment, you're right. I didn't hear you, and that's a thousand percent my fault. Um, but like in past Mother's Day, why I don't plan that kind of stuff is because of that, right? Like I don't want it to fall flat, right? And then and then that's just discouraging of constantly trying to do something nice for somebody and it never works out. Right. Um, again, and me with all my faults, somehow you that's who you decided to spend your life with. Like, still blows my mind. Like, still blows my mind.

SPEAKER_01 10:39

Um okay.

SPEAKER_00 10:41

I to me it's the ultimate compliment for me. Like, like that is that is the ultimate compliment anybody's ever given me is you deciding to marry me. That's crazy. Uh knowing that you're you're particular. All that all that being said, I'm happy to get you whatever you want for Mother's Day, right? And and I don't want to like go out and buy you something. I mean, like if you want that spa day, awesome. How can I help?

SPEAKER_01 11:01

Right.

SPEAKER_00 11:01

Right. Right? Like all that stuff.

SPEAKER_01 11:03

Yeah, but it's but it's not, I mean, honestly, I think most Mother's Day, it's how do I take the pressure valve off of what's going on right now? And that's that's been every Mother's Day since I became a monk. It's like you just it's this constant feeling of overwhelm. Yeah. And so you want to day away from the overwhelm. And and in that moment, I felt like I could put specificity to what that meant for me. Usually I can't, right? Usually it's like, I don't know, I don't know what I want to do. Because that's the other thing, too, is I think some of those plans, while they sound really lovely and they're incredibly thoughtful, also feel overwhelming of like, okay, now I gotta go to this like spa I've never been to. I've got oh, yeah, 100%. Like, and then I've and and if you're going to a good one around us, it's a drive. So now I gotta be in the car for a while. And you know, I mean, it's just I don't know. I it's tough. Spas never have good vegetarian food. I know that sounds like a really cutting thing, but cucumber one. You know what I mean? Like cucumber and gross mustard sandwiches. I don't even know what they put on those things, but they're vials. So I don't know. It there are certain things that sound really lovely in theory. Yeah. And then you think about all the work. It's sort of like a vacation. A vacation sounds lovely until I think about being the one that has to trip plan and pack. I mean, think about our Disney fiasco yesterday that I think we should get into in another episode of hotel bookings and you know, especially for a family of five. Everything's built for a family of four, as we've been learning. Yeah. All right. So I I'm really curious. You said you were gonna ask for something.

SPEAKER_00 12:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:37

What are you asking for?

SPEAKER_00 12:38

And what are you guys all to come at the crack of dawn and hike with me?

SPEAKER_01 12:41

On Father's Day. On Father's Day. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 12:43

I'm gonna be at the top of the hike event, going to watching the sun come up with everybody. Okay. So you guys are all gonna get up at the crack of dawn.

unknown 12:52

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 12:53

And you don't have to, but that that would be my ass. I let's do it.

SPEAKER_01 12:57

Let's do it. What time do we have to get up?

SPEAKER_00 13:00

Uh like five. Oh boy. I was we gotta be on the side. I was just about to say please. Because even this the sun was coming up when I was leaving today at 5 30, the sun was already up. And so, like, I I'm not gonna make you guys get up like at like four to make sure we're because it's an hour drive, a 45-minute drive there, and you know, 45-minute hike up to the top.

SPEAKER_01 13:18

I mean, at that rate, we might as well climb the night before, before the sun goes down in a tent at the top and watch the sunrise.

SPEAKER_00 13:26

Anyway, but that's yeah, that's what I'm gonna ask.

SPEAKER_01 13:28

Okay. All right, let's do it. I love that. I love that you can do something specific that you love. And because we're always wondering, like, what do we do for you or get for you?

SPEAKER_00 13:38

Yeah, and I don't want you to pay anything for it. Just you know, you're the sacrifice.

SPEAKER_01 13:41

We really have a gift idea packed out. I talked to our middle kid when she had a really, really, really good idea.

SPEAKER_00 13:46

She ended up for your mother's day gift.

SPEAKER_01 13:48

Yeah, she did. She's she's on fire with yes, I gotta say. But she's a really conscientious person, yep, and just a giver. Like she, that's just her nature. So, anyway, well, that for me was the mental load of Mother's Day. I know for a lot of moms, that is the mental load, is like you don't know if you can ask for what you really want. You don't know what you really want because you're just so overwhelmed you can't even really think about it. Yeah, your partner doesn't know, so they're left guessing, or like you said, planning things that then go south that then discourage planning more things. Yeah. Right. So I think having these types of honest dialogues is so important.

SPEAKER_00 14:23

And that's the that's the thing I would say from my perspective too, is like when that conversation happened, it was the middle of the day. We had just spent five hours at the gymnastics meet. Uh, it was one o'clock. We were all super hungry because we hadn't eaten. Yep. Um, and gymnastics, popcorn doesn't count. It doesn't count. Um, and so, but in that moment, like all that stuff is just like it it's that doesn't excuse it, but they're contributing factors.

SPEAKER_01 14:48

Yeah. Well, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:49

And and then what happens is that that literally two-minute interaction has now been an issue for weeks, right? So adding to your mental level. Well, a week. A week. Right. Yeah, yeah, it was a week, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:01

Because it was less go today.

SPEAKER_00 15:03

Oh, yeah. But like, and so what I would what I would say to any guys that are out there listening to the episode, or whatever spouse, if you're the me in the relationship, um whoever you are.

SPEAKER_01 15:15

Oh, if you're the me in the relationship.

SPEAKER_00 15:18

Is just you know, keep that in mind that like sometimes you're frustrated. It's not something that sounds particularly uh fun to do, nor is it something that like you feel like is needed to be done. But by handling the beginning of that interaction poorly, even though within two minutes I had said, yeah, let's do it. It doesn't matter, the damage is already done. Yeah. And then it creates even more of a mental load on your partner and stress and all that other stuff. And so, you know, it's something that I am still getting better at been working on is like in that moment, I didn't see it as the way you described it today is absolutely perfect. And had I thought about it in that context yesterday or last week, um, I would have been like, oh yeah, definitely, let's do it. But instead, my my you know, hangriness and frustration and all that other stuff, and I was like, No, we're not blaming who's gonna go pick up cupcakes two weeks from now. Right? Well, and and it was my and it was my bad, 100%. So anyway, that's that's that would just be my suggestion to anybody out there is to just you know try to try to take a deep breath sometimes before you answer and cause uh a uh a deeper hurt than what you think your response may may do.

SPEAKER_01 16:26

Yeah. And and it helps for me to make things visible to you because I think during those parties, during those gatherings, you're often in another room or you're doing something else, right? Go set up the tables and you'll haul the tables out of the garage and go set them up. And so you're not watching the things or experiencing the things I'm experiencing. And and so I think describing to you, like, hey, this is what that day is gonna look like for me. Yeah, and here are the impacts to me. And I'm trying to mitigate those ahead of time. I'm trying, like the the schedule of who's gonna go pick up what isn't about who's gonna go pick up what. Do I have grave concerns that with like 10 drivers at our disposal, we're gonna be able to get to Sam's Club and pick up 84 cupcakes? No. I one of our kids could do it on their bicycle, right? Like, I mean, we just well, it's a little far for that.

SPEAKER_00 17:16

But I guess I'd actually love to see him trying to balance it. Like that would be Look.

SPEAKER_01 17:20

I mean, at the end of the day, you can hire a task rabbiter to just go pick them up. Like this is not the complication. The complication is all of the downstream consequences of having that much family that excited to celebrate our girl. And everybody wanting to help, and everybody wanting to help and all the interpersonal dynamics of relationships and you know, uh ex-spouses, different things.

SPEAKER_00 17:44

That to me is it was really interesting. I remember when I was growing up, my mind would always be I don't say mean, but like at capacity. She was fiery, she was spicy, spicy specifically around when when people would be coming over them.

SPEAKER_01 17:58

Holidays.

SPEAKER_00 17:59

And I just remember asking my dad one time, like, what the hell's going on? Like, why, why did it and and he's like, son, when you're older, you'll understand. And I was just like, Yeah, okay, whatever. But like now that, yeah, like like you get it, right? Like the amount of like you want to have a great event, and it should be a celebratory event. Yeah, like the stress that comes with, I mean, we've been working on our house for three weeks now to get ready for this for even for this graduation party. And so, like that stress, then, like you said, of not only that, but of who's coming over, who gets along with who, how do you say, you know, you don't want a scene, how do you make sure this person doesn't talk, you know, like all that stuff is is real and it's challenging. And you and it's all because you don't want your uh child's event to go awry. Right. And and it and it's and it's real. That's real.

SPEAKER_01 18:44

Right. At the end of the day, we want a really great celebration for her. And I know she's concerned about it because she's old enough now to see the dynamics and and to really understand the consequences that they can have on an event. And I think we've done a really nice job with our kids of helping them have positive and healthy celebrations and not see a lot of the madness. Um, and that means we absorb it. We're the shock absorbers. And I know on that day I will be like a Mac truck shock absorber. And so I'm trying to mitigate that and figure out how do we just pivot certain things in slight ways so that I don't end the day basically in tears in the bathroom. Yeah. Right. And I, and I, it's so funny I say that and I laugh, but but I have seen on social all these moms saying, like, I end these events in tears in the bathroom more times than people know. And I saw myself in that because people don't know that that happens, but you know, you absorb, you absorb, you absorb, you absorb, and you can only do that for so long before you crack and break. And the mom's not supposed to show that, right? Moms are supposed to be tough and strong and capable and just power through. I don't want to end her graduation weekend in tears in the bathroom crying by myself because of the stress that I've taken on for three days. Yeah. So, so for me, I think honestly, your best bet is that the biggest gift you can ever give me is just take crap off my plate.

SPEAKER_00 20:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:17

And so I, you know, I think I can do a better job of articulating what does that look like and how does that happen. Yep. Um, and then we can work on partnering that. But like the best birthday ever would be an empty to-do list and empty, empty tags in the browser of my brain. Yeah. Right. Like I don't even know. I don't even know what that would feel like at this point. So um, so anyway, I'm glad we talked about this. That is part of why we didn't have an episode last Sunday as well, because I was just then at my limit. Yeah. And it was like, I don't even know what we're gonna talk about. Okay. Well, thanks for joining us. We hope you had a wonderful Mother's Day. We hope you got everything you wanted and needed. And if you didn't have an honest conversation about it, because let me tell you, it feels so much better to just be honest about these things.

SPEAKER_00 21:01

And again, you have to get what you want, you gotta tell people what you want. You can't just expect them to divine it.

SPEAKER_01 21:07

Yeah, exactly. All right. Okay, thank you. Bye.