014: Nine Month Post- Move Update

In this episode I catch you up on the last 3 months since I recorded. 
What is it really like moving cross country and trusting God with the outcome? Nine months in- Have I been saved from trials, suffering, or depression? 
Maturing in the Christian faith continues to open my eyes to how immature I actually am and how little I know. 

God has evolved our original business and investment into something that seems like he's writing a cool story, but unsure of the outcome yet and don't know what exactly he's doing. 

I do my best to catch you up on the most important things, though in hindsight I feel like I missed several things I wanted to say.
Alas, I'll have to make another episode- hopefully less than 3 months from now!

I also share my idea for a direction to take this podcast- we shall see. 

💛 Support
 https://buymeacoffee.com/mikayladawt

🧵 Join the writing / become a paid subscriber
 https://mikayladawnchaparro.substack.com/

📷 Our photo + video team
 https://dawnphotoco.com/

📬 Contact
 dawnofvalorpodcast@gmail.com

🎧 Subscribe on
 Spotify | Apple Podcasts | Substack

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey friends, I'm Michaela Don Shaparo, and nearly four years ago, my son Valor died one week before his first birthday. That loss was the catalyst to a war of my own metamorphosis to become a woman who possessed the virtue of his name. For years, God has been pruning, stripping, and tending to the garden of our lives. And after years of white knuckling my way through loss, I've finally surrendered everything. My husband and I, along with our five children, sold our beloved home we've raised them in. We're selling nearly everything we own and uprooting our family in Texas to plant new roots 1,700 miles away in Pennsylvania. We don't know a soul, we don't have a plan, just a beckoning. We have no idea what we're doing, but we know the one who does. And we believe he's doing something new. This is my honest, real-time account of what it looks like to fight, to become a woman of valor, right here in the middle of surrender. It's a window into my wrestle with God, grief, and calling, because the valley of suffering really is the veil of soul making, and this is where my soul is being forged. If you're longing to see what God can do with chattered pieces, if you need to believe he still makes beauty from ashes, pull up the chair. If you want to live a life of valor but are unsure how, you're invited to listen, as I learned too. He's got the pen, I'm just the ink. And I believe he's writing something worth watching unfold. He says he will make everything beautiful in his time. This is our yes to that promise. Our lives laid bare for him to prove it true. And no matter what unfolds here in this reckless abandon, this is simply an offering for his glory and my valor. Welcome, friends, to the dawn of valor. Hey friends, it has been a minute. I have not recorded since, let's see, it's been almost three months. I last recorded on April 2nd, I believe, is the last um time I delivered an episode, and so much, so much has happened in that window of time between then and now, and the longer I go without recording, the harder it is to get back on because I feel overwhelmed with the amount of story to catch people up on. You know that I am a storyteller by nature, and that can feel daunting to me when so much has happened, and I I'm one of those people that feels like everyone needs the full context, the full layers and textures and smells and sounds. Like I really try to immerse you into this story so you can like follow along. Um, I need like it to feel visceral almost. Um, like I want to do it justice. But there's just so much to cover. And even the last episode that I recorded, I didn't really update on the story. It was really just my first episode that I kind of just it wasn't a lesson, but it was just like kind of a an observation that I had made in my study of holiness, and I kind of like was trying to explain what I was learning and what I had kind of gleaned, or I f how I felt like the Lord was changing my perspective on becoming holy um and our pursuit of becoming holy as Christians, and like how that was changing in my mind from this very, very stale um version of holiness to um more of a robust, profound, um, very beautiful view. And so that was my last episode, and then the episode before that, I don't even remember when that was. Um so, needless to say, there's just a lot to catch you up on. And I'm gonna do my best. I like jotted down some notes, but to be honest, like the kids and justice are gone. I was having a work day and I was like done with what I was working on, and so I just decided to hop on and like just take whatever time I have to try to make another episode um and just kind of one more step in obedience in this process of just the commitment I made to bring you along on this journey and not let too much more time pass. So that's gonna what I'm gonna attempt to do today. Um, but we'll see how well I get this done. Essentially, mm-hmm so much has happened. We last recorded in April. In May, I will say the biggest thing that's happened since the last time I recorded was Emma was in a pretty bad car accident, and she is okay. Um, and not bad as in she was injured very severely or anything. She had minor injuries, um, nothing that uh thankfully hospitalized her or anything like that, but she totaled her car. And if you know the story about that, we I think I've talked about it on here. I don't remember anything I've said on here so far. Um, but we had just purchased that car just a few months ago um after we moved here because she had just turned 16 and she and Natalie go to a school that's 30 minutes away. There is a bus, but there's like lots of school activities and things that we knew that she needed to be able to drive to and you know, pick up siblings and um kind of help out with like the inner workings of our family and you know, pick up, drop off, um, all that sorts of stuff. And then also for her to have a job and get herself to and from work because we have so much going on here that's kind of unpredictable about us being able to take her and pick her up. Um, so we got her a car, and that was kind of her birthday gift and something that we wanted to make sure that she had as a need to be met, and especially with such a transition, we thought that was like a perfect way to really help her feel like we we saw her and we knew that she need she had that need. Um, and it's something that I had joy doing. I I was never bought a car when I turned 16. I also had a child at 16. And the first time I was able to get my own vehicle was when I got a full-time job and I was 18 years old, and I moved out on my own and kind of did that on my own and got a loan and got um somebody to co-sign for me. And so I just never knew what it's like to have parents who could like gift you a car. And mind you, Emma had some money saved up towards it, but we it was about $10,000 and she had about $3,000 saved up um from her job at Chick-fil-A, working at Chick-fil-A, and then she also like I helped kind of raise some money for her birthday over Instagram when I said it was her birthday, and I like posted her Venmo, and so we had some of that put towards it, which was so fun and and so neat, and then we covered the rest of it, and um so we anyway, all that to say, like it was just a disheartening loss um because it was so new and um and it was such a need that I feel like we all kind of had. Um, and unfortunately, there was not collision insurance, which I was not aware of and justice was not even aware of. He's the one who signed her up on our insurance, and it was as simple as like a box being um accidentally unchecked when he went to add her. And I think he was like probably looking back and forth between the pricing on um, you know, collision or liability or whatever, and was probably trying to see what that did to the premium um so he would know because her responsibility was like you have to cover your own insurance on if you're gonna have a car. And so, yeah, so I think it was just that simple thing of just not checking a box. So anyway, long story short, we have through the course of the last month found out her car will not be covered in any way, and it's just a loss. So it feels really heavy. Um, just amidst a lot of other things that we've experienced here. Um, it's just been a lot. I I have shared, you know, the time that Reverie went to the ER. Ruin almost got hit by a car. We've just been through several, you know, Natalie went to the ER and was having hallucinations. And, you know, uh, who else has been to the ER? Has everyone been to the ER? I feel like everybody's had some kind of dental emergency. Beckham like took off, chipped half of his front tooth a couple months back. Um, he had to have like an emergency extraction. Natalie had to have an emergency extraction. Justice has had to have an emergency dental operation. Um, there's just been like a lot of things in the Emma's wreck. I feel like everybody has gone through, of course, like, of course, my herniated back at the beginning of our move. We've all like been in the hospital, dental office, like doctor's office, like just so much. And then on top of that, we also have had all these car issues. Like both of our cars were paid off after we sold our house. And I mean, we drive Hondas. We're we don't have like extravagant cars, but we were really excited to pay those off. Um, they only had like a few thousand dollars left on them anyway, but we finally paid them off and we were like awesome. Like their Hondas are gonna last us forever. We're just not gonna have to deal with car issues. And then we bought Emma a Honda as well. And then lit literally the second we moved here, we've had like multiple flat tires. And um, and then what happened to Emma's car? And then my car just went into the shop, like it's been in the shop probably 10 times in the past couple of months, um, with random issues that um like the total quote is like $9,000 to fix everything on. And it just makes no sense because they're like low mileage, very reliable. It just feels like so much random stuff that is thankfully not any life-altering um sufferings happening currently or trials, but they are just like one on top of the other, and it's been amidst this very hard transitional season of life, which has just made it feel so very heavy. And I think I have felt a heaviness to it and a weight that I can't really explain. And thankfully, justice has not been in a depressive state like I have. Um, I've been really, in fact, I finally, after however many months, I don't even know the last time I wrote a Substack, but I finally released one because I hadn't done a podcast, I hadn't done anything in a long time, and I felt like I did need some kind of like cathartic release and almost like a cry for help. Like I needed prayer so bad, and so I didn't feel like getting on here. Um, it was so overwhelming at the time, but I did finally sit down and just kind of like write some thoughts out on my depression and some of the journey that this has been. I think it's also hard because I had because before we moved, I did I I went into this move um in this reckless abandon with such like joy and peace, even amidst the trials and hardship. I feel like I had this resounding peace and joy in it. And it and it was like it was like a true peace of the Holy Spirit and a joy in this surrender, and and then to go through it and and to have all of these things really feel so heavy on my spirit, and just to feel um like the wind has kind of gotten knocked out of my lungs, and I just feel a lot more uh heavy and um not so excited about all of it anymore. Um, and not and and not that there's none of that, it's that it's just like to go into it with the spirit that I had, and then for this to be kind of um the way that I've felt through the whole process, it's been really hard to be to be honest through because I wanted it to feel different for me, so that even relaying the story would have been more like, hey guys, look, if you're obedient and you you follow what Jesus tells you to do, like look at the joy and peace and amazing things that he can do in your lives when you're, you know, and it's it's just like this inspirational, uplifting, you know, even though I knew it would be hard, but it was more of like a positive outlook and to be the one who is normally like before we move, like just my overall demeanor in life has usually been like delusionally optimistic. I'm I always am filled with optimism. I I have grit, I have determination, I have tenacity. Anything that I have gone through that has happened to me or that has happened because of my own choices or anything, like I just I feel like I I tend to have kind of a competitive spirit where I'm like, you know what? Now that this looks hard, I'm determined to make it through this even more and to come out on top, and I can rely on my own willingness and kind of willpower to get me through this. And and I've done that through a lot of things in my life, and I feel like I've had an ambitious spirit and all of this, and so I relied on my own strength and a lot of the trials that I've faced, and now that I'm a Christian, I'm just realizing and and the trials that I like, I really have been crippled through this to an extent that is really foreign to my nature. And I I do recognize the feelings of being crippled through an event because it did feel like that after Valor died, and I did go through a a season of um, you know, depression and and really not wanting to get out of bed in the morning and really wondering like how beauty was gonna come out of this, you know, really hard tragedy. But I kind of explained in my Substack that I feel like even through the death of Valor, I had a buoyancy to my soul that I can't really explain, and it's why I was given an ability to write and to make something beautiful from what I was going through. It it didn't feel beautiful at the time, but I it I was able to express um through poetry and writing and and just different things. Um I was able to kind of make something from that. And it was very easy to see um more of a tangible way, like immediately the way that the Lord was using that tragedy. I had, you know, multiple people reach out to me and say um that they gave their life to the Lord when they heard um the gospel, you know, being shared at his funeral. And I had multiple, like just so many people who were constantly messaging me and telling me like that my writing was touching them and that they were choosing to like, I mean, turn their lives to the Lord and to um go back to church or to go to church for the first time, or um just all of these, like valor changed their lives, that we changed their lives, like all of these really encouraging that I almost look at it like and the the best term I have is like there was an immediate ROI on on losing valor. Like it was very immediate to see the result of that, resulting in a way that I'm like, okay, I wouldn't have chosen this, but there like God is doing something through this. And um, and so through this this weight and this depression, I don't f have my soul doesn't feel as buoyed. And I felt the weight of this suffering in a way that is almost like unreal um in comparison when I think about what I I went through, like through losing a child, you would think comparatively that is a much worse loss. And um no, like if you had to click a box, like okay, which one would you rather go through? Do you want to lose a child or do you want to sell everything you own, move across country and go through like a few dozen non-life-altering trials? Like everyone would choose this, and yet for some reason, this has felt more like in a heavier sense um of depression that I have had like a long-term um just struggle for me. And I haven't had words to really explain that because I know it makes no sense, and I do think that there were literally thousands of people all over the globe praying for us at the time of Valor's loss, and so you know, maybe the the saints around the world b actually buoyed our souls like by praying for us, and like the Lord sovereignly didn't allow the weight of that to crush us in the same way that this feels like it's been crushing. Um, and I I went and uh spoke with my pastor like uh a few weeks ago and we were talking about the degree of depression I had been experiencing, and you know, he did say, like, the Lord is sovereign over even the degree that you feel you're suffering. And so for whatever reason, and I I do see multiple reasons that the Lord could be allowing this to feel like a crushing weight on me. Um, and it has to do with things in my marriage, like allowing justice to step up, like almost needing because I have that innate, you know, just uh almost like it it's just like in my nature to to run ahead and to lead and to go faster and go harder and and to take the lead in everything. And I feel like God has almost had to be like, okay, we have to like really allow you to feel the weight of this and not try to rely on your own strength to, you know, get out of it so that you know justice can you know have an opportunity to step into a leadership role in this so that you won't just bulldoze him and and just again start this whole cycle of like doing things backwards. Um and so that's one of the reasons I I feel like he may be allowing me to experience it to this degree. Um but another thing was like our pastor this over the several times we've um I mean we meet with him every single week, so several months now um that we've been meeting with him consistently, has said that like they didn't they're not originally from this area, they moved here from like an another um neighboring larger city before they started pastoring this church, and his wife experienced like a really um you know, a season of depression and has had similar struggles in in that and um and he said that there is like a spiritual weight here that you know he can't he doesn't know exactly what that is, but there is something about um the city of Reading where we live that is just spiritually heavier, and he said that there's like covens that meet in the hills and they practice wit witchcraft and there's like just some like spiritual darkness going on. And actually before we moved here, I had like several people reach out to me who or not several, I think it was maybe a couple, um, but who reached out and said, like, oh, that's so weird that you're going to Reading because Reading is like so dark, like we used to live there. This is not like it's crazy that God is calling you there because it's really a place people avoid going. Um, it's just really dark and heavy and there's a lot of oppression there. And I just chalked it up to like, you know, I'm like, okay, well, you know, that's that's fine. Like, that's probably not the case, or maybe they just had a really bad experience. I know people who talk trash about Lubbock and you know, say what a horrible place it is. Um, and I, you know, can see where that's coming from, but I love Lubbock, like I'll always have a soft spot in my heart for it, and I would have lived there my whole life had you know the series of events not happened, and there's a lot of good there. And and so I just kind of chalked it up to that. Like, um, but once we moved here and just like immediately, I mean, five days after getting here, you know, I herniated my back. I was very debilitatingly ill. I had like the most like I just immediately plummeted into this depression. Um, obviously that coincided with Charlie Kirk's death, which really impacted and affected me, you know. I we arrived here and the as we were pulling up onto our street, that's you know, we got the news that Charlie Kirk died, and I was like processing that. Um, and he was a part of like who planted seeds who I think really changed the soil of my heart where the ne the year after the gospel would sprout and I would actually understand it. Um, so it was just a really big impact of that, and then just all the circumstantial things that were happening, and you know, just a lot of it, all that to say, like I just feel like there is some validity to that, and I do feel like there's may maybe there really is like um just like a spiritual thing going on in the spirit realm for this area. I don't I don't want to over spiritual spiritualize everything and say. like all of it is just spiritual warfare and all of it is just like an attack from the enemy and like I know that there I don't know where the balance is. Like I'm st obviously I'm a Christian. I believe that we don't wrestle against flesh and blood. I do believe that there is more happening in the spirit realm. Um that like that that realm is more real than this is and we just I don't know where that begins and ends with our, you know, like our own consequences of our own actions and you know and you know Emma's wreck and it being you know like just I I don't know where it begins and ends of spiritual warfare versus like just things that are happening that are just, you know, things that are happening. But it has just been a very, very hard nine months nine and a half months that we have lived here for me in particularly in particular. So so yeah and I I when I met with my pastor he he did give me I I wrote about all of this on my substack but he did give me this really beautiful word picture that I've held on to um since then and he basically you know I I told him you know what I'm experiencing doesn't make any sense because like if I'm a Christian I don't understand like why I don't have the joy and peace that I had before I moved um and that I that I feel like I had to to a degree during you know losing a child. And um you know and I just I'm confused to my I'm confused at the response of my own soul to this trial in my life. And I feel like I was a better Christian before I left Lubbock. You know, quote unquote, I know you can't be a better or worse Christian. You're either saved or you're not saved. But there is a degree of sanctification and I almost feel like I went backwards in my sanctification, even though I know that's not true either. But I um I feel like I had uh a better like I was I was doing all the hard things and it was hard and I would cry and I was mad that the Lord, you know, there was times I was mad when the Lord that the Lord was asking us to do what we were doing. I was learning to wait on the Lord through the sale of our home and um just all the things that we had to surrender along this process and even before that like I I just feel like I did like I read my Bible and I was doing it with this joy and I was trying to follow the Lord and it I had this joy and like it hasn't felt like I've had a lot of that same joy here. And I'm like what is wrong with me? Like I don't I don't understand like what the Lord is doing in me. If this isn't producing the fruit I thought it would immediately then what is he doing? Like it doesn't feel like he's making me any more like him. It just feels like I'm being squeezed and like I'm I'm not even producing anything. Like it's just depression. It's like you know I'm not sinning blatantly. I'm not like out here you know being like okay well I'm gonna cope with my suffering by like going to you know get drunk and go do drugs or go cheat on my spouse or like go do any like all this these things that you know it's not like that. It's like I'm still being being obedient in what I feel like the Lord is calling me to but I'm I don't feel good at all. And I I just feel like I have felt despair a lot and um you know I just don't understand this. And my pastor was like okay so you know I feel like you were you know let's say you were a runner before you moved here and let's say you were an athlete and you are a really good runner. You are a really good athlete and um and your but your coach sees that you have some areas of improvement and you would have settled for like being you know in second third fourth like you know if you're finishing in the top five or whatever you're you're satisfied with that you think you're you think you're a good enough runner. But he is like no you have the potential to be the best you know um to win the race and he so he takes you and instead of training where you normally train like at the track uh he takes you to the beach and it's beautiful and you're looking around and you're like oh this is this is gonna be great and then um and then he places weights on your on your ankles and your wrists and puts a weighted vest on you and then to make matters worse he makes you run on sand and you start running and you time yourself and like the same mile that used to take you four minutes is now taking you 15 and he's like what is going on are you actually are you a worse runner because of that 15 minutes it's now taking you like and you're slugging along and you're you're in pain and you're almost in tears maybe you throw up because it hurts so bad like in a way it never like it hasn't in a long time or hasn't before you know are you a worse runner? No like he's a good coach that's you know you're being he's training you and he was like I want you to know that there will come a day like I don't know when I don't know why I don't know how but there will come a day where the weight will come off and your feet will hit the pavement again and you know I just took that and I just I'm like a word picture girl like when I tell you that I mean that's why uh Heinz Feet on High Places by Hannah Hernhard is my favorite book of all time because it's an allegory and I can actually understand like the Christian life through her book more than anything else. It's why I love The Pilgrim's Progress. Um that like I just love word pictures it really helps me understand spiritual truths um and break it down into like a a a picture that makes sense and that I can process and um and hold on to and so I just hearing that was really encouraging because I think I you know it's not like this groundbreaking like it's not like I didn't know that suffering and trials and um things of that nature are not used for our good and his glory and to train us and to strengthen us and to um result in a more steadfast faith. It's not like I didn't know that, but for whatever reason when he told me that um word picture I was just very encouraged it was something to latch on to that I feel like really kind of shifted my perspective of my suffering although it didn't like immediately cease to exist um as far as like the weight of depression but anyway all that to say I am very thankful my pastor continues to be a rock and it feels like each week he meets with us, he gives us homework you know we, you know, we do things in our marriage and we're you know whatever but it feels like we'll go back the next week and it's like we didn't retain anything that we were told the week before or we didn't finish the homework or we didn't do that. And it's just like I feel like we're colanders like he's just pouring into and it's kind of like mostly all just like coming out the bottom um and he just doesn't grow impatient with us and he never has like a spirit of like okay you've got to get this why are you not like changing why are you like I'm sick of discipling you you like it's just so bless his heart. He's really just like such a picture of Jesus to us and I'm really grateful for his leadership at our church and just the true um look into shepherding that we've gotten because I've never seen that I've never been a part of a church that does the amount of shepherding that this church has done for us. I've never like I've been told that's what churches are supposed to do but like I have been in church my whole life and I've never even as a kid even through our parents' divorce like I've never I've never seen the body do what this body has done. So it's like justice keeps saying like we have a unicorn church like out of all everywhere we could have gotten placed any church we could have like gotten a part of like I don't know how God got us here but he knew like this is absolutely where we had to be um and it just shows his steadfast love for us. Like we are these colander like souls that are just like can't retain anything slow sanctification slow learning and yet he has been so steadfast in his pursuit and love of us and like I know his heart towards us but it doesn't change sometimes the way that I perceive my suffering and even the anger I have felt towards him in this process it's like humbling quiz because I can know it's like not like truth um that this is you know that he's abandoned us or that he you know just left us out here to rot in the wilderness or you know sent us into exile to just be alone and on our own now like hey I helped you as much as I could I did a lot for you when your son died and now I'm out like that's sometimes sometimes how I have honestly like poured out my heart before him where I'm like you you did this you did this like you have you used to do this you used to pursue us you used to do blah but now like we're here and you left me and you're letting me be depressed and like where are you God? And like I just um yeah it's just been an interesting like dynamic wrestling with the Lord as a Christian who is maturing in my faith but like the more I learn about him and the the more that I mature like honestly the less mature I feel like I I feel like I was like I became a Christian and I was ready to like hit the ground running. I was like I'm gonna start Don of Valor it's gonna be an apologetics podcast it's gonna be you know about this and that and I have so much like boldness and I like I I don't know everything but like I'll pretend to or I will um or I'll find people who do know and like who have the right answers and I'll put them on like I'll do all this stuff for the Lord and like and I just had this I don't know and and it's like the further I walk alongside him like the more I feel like I become a bit more timid where I'm like where I'm just like more quiet and more like unsure that I know literally anything. Um I actually was listening to a Tim Keller podcast the other day on maturing as a Christian and he was like you know who's more mature a child who says you know an eight year old who's like I can drive a car I know how let me drive the car I just it's easy you know like kids say that like my kids will say that or the kid that is like I have no idea how to drive a car like I would never want to get behind the wheel like please don't ever like I can't drive a car. That must be really hard. Um you know the eight year old who admits that is actually infinitely more mature than the eight year old who thinks they can and just tells them let me um because I'm really good at this and um you actually know nothing. Like to admit you know nothing is like the beginning of maturity, I guess. Um and so I I almost look back at some of my walk with the Lord and even the way I spoke online and the way that I wrote um I really did have this like oh I've got it figured out like I know like I was doing deep dives in like theology and um you know apologetics and just so much like just absorbing things like a sponge and wanted to know so I could have all the answers so that I could then basically convert everybody to Christianity. I was like this is what I'm gonna do. Um and then I had some and then I just I look back at that I'm like wow you literally knew nothing and you still know nothing and unfortunately you it seems like you're never gonna know anything. But anyway that's that's kind of the update with um depression just kind of the some of the stuff that we've been walking through with our children and Emma's car and wreck and all the things um it has just been a lot. And then let's see we also since the last time I recorded in April we actually had a really neat thing. So I know that I've talked about the business side of things on here where because people have asked me like what are y'all doing for business and you know is Don Photoko going to the Northeast and all that and like originally we made this huge investment um which I talked about I think several times um but we were going to basically expand the brand and we thought we were going to basically like expand it here make a Northeast website or kind of like change do this rebrand really like elevate the marketing and all the things and just kind of like redo Don Photoko. And so we made this huge investment in doing that and it was going to be this very big project. I was going to be pretty hands off and I was like I just want like a business that runs I just want to like do minor things in the back end and with the team um but I don't really like want to be doing anything and like essentially through this process of like making that investment and then going forward the Lord really really totally bludgeoned that view um and that idea and something new was birthed in the um ashes I guess I don't know what to but it was like a a new idea that kind of like slowly slowly slowly took shape over the course of like realizing like that is not what the Lord was like really calling us to do and essentially like this new brand was born in my head and I you know spoke it aloud to Justice and he was like you know really for it and was like yeah I think that's a great idea um and then the idea shifted and it became instead of just another brand here it really became clear that the only way that this would happen would be if I were to be you know shooting again and I were to be in this business in a way that I haven't been in a really long time. If you know me and you've followed me for a long time, you know I was Michael Don photography. That was my the birth of my business in 2015. I was full time in weddings by 2020 or 2016 um and I did that full time and I started doing workshops and business coaching and I was very very successful. We were doing very well um and then Valor died and and then that kind of just like overnight my business kind of just came to a halt and then over the series of months after you know people raised funds for us to kind of live off of uh during that loss and then eight months in we were like okay we have to like pivot we have to do something like we can't just sit here and so Don Photoko kind of was birthed out of that need and the necessity to like go like keep doing something but I was pregnant with reverie reverie. I was like I cannot return to this work in the same way especially with the heart change that I had already had and I knew that the Lord was calling me out of like the hustle success boss babe like mentality and like that work that form of life that I took on um and so you know Don Photoko was our team and so we found a team and they shot and justice was on the team and then I just ran the back end of business and then of course like that did only so well it could only grow with so much like little effort of me being able to pour into the business after I got pregnant with rune and all of that. And so then came the sale sale of our house and all the surrendering and pruning that was happening in our lives and then we move here and it's like you know my thought was like okay let's take some of the funds and let's just pour it in back into the business get it actually to um reach its potential like I originally wanted it to but couldn't because I didn't have like the funds or the margin um or the ability to because I had two back-to-back babies and I was grieving and all the things and so but then it was like the Lord took that and like transformed what this became and so this is like the first time I'm like publicly speaking about it but essentially the Lord gave me the business name House of Dawn and I don't know where it came from I don't know how it it's not that profound. I know that um you know Dawn has been a thing I've used in a lot of things. So Dawn Photoko we have you know Dawn of Valor um there's a lot of things that have the word Dawn in it. I know like you could eye roll and be like okay another Dawn. But I truly feel like this was God's idea and it feels like that because it is so different the way that this is taking shape inside my mind and heart and like the immediate ideas that he gave me into the brand um and how and then it shaped from like okay House of Dawn is not a team. It's not this big thing just like Dawn Photoko. We're not recreating what we had. I think he's calling us back to kind of what we used to do which was Michaela Dawn photography and then Justice had Jude and JL films and we shot alongside each other but we've never shot alongside each other and been equally yoked. We've never shot and ran a business since back then where I was like the face part of the face of a business or a voice in the business or anything. Like we have not done a husband and wife duo of sorts since we've both been saved. And so it turned it like evolved into that and I wasn't expecting that. And in fact I tried to close the door on it several times by talking trying to talk justice out of us continuing to shoot. I kept thinking like okay God asked us to surrender everything about our old lives I don't think he's wanting us to do photography and videography anymore. Like I'm expecting to move there and then justice get like some random job offer or like a an like an opportunity present itself to him and then he's probably gonna work full time and then I'm gonna be called to stay at home. Like I just feel like that's what the Lord is going to call us to like I'm almost certain of it. I I just feel like that's probably like what he wants for us and I I like went and talked to my pastor just thinking he was going to confirm um that like when we first moved here and we first started seeing him and just expected him to really be like yeah I think that like knowing your story knowing what the Lord has done with y'all like I do think it's time to hang up this you know ambitious spirit this entrepreneurial bent this drive that you have and just like even if it means having you know lacking in financial abundance um and having to rely on like an hourly wage for him because I mean we don't have college degrees you know how much is he really going to make you know what's he gonna really do you know maybe he's just a UPS driver or you know like something like that and we would just kind of scale back and just be content with um just like a normal average like nine to five for him and just staying home and getting my bearings as like a stay at home mom where I'm fine like I have nothing to do with the finances anymore. I'm not contributing in that way um for a season. You know maybe that's I I thought definitely like the Lord might be asking us to do that. And I didn't have any like reason for that. I just assumed that's what God would do. That's what he would ask of us. And then um every time I met with him and I kept trying to like basically force this door closed on our business and like just trying to say like I think that we shouldn't do this anymore and that we're not supposed to and I'm I should probably just like sit on my hands and not do anything because I have a tendency to be like this idea generator all the time. And I'm all like I'm just I'm naturally a creative person and a creative entrepreneur and maybe I just shouldn't be that way anymore. And like over and over again my pastor was just like that's not what the Bible says that you have to do um and he just was like very encouraging of like our skill set and what you know gifts the Lord has gifted us both with and he was like it's really more about a heart posture and I think your heart posture is good. Like I feel like the Lord has corrected your heart posture. He has chiropracted you back into balance with um his you know like his heart for you know the household um so I don't think that that's the thing and I was just like kept waiting for it's like just tell me not to do anything so I can just like shut the door on all of this. And so that didn't happen. And so yeah over months and months and months um this idea has just evolved and um House of Dawn became this really cool picture like I had in my idea of just of being able to have this artistic expression but to like with my with Justice and I's like creative heart behind it. Like I've been so detached from the creation process for so long because Dawn Photoko isn't my work you know I'm not behind the lens I'm not shooting I'm not doing any of those things and I was really just like looking at it from like a business perspective taking care of like the day to day um things and and just so I've been removed from the like being able to create process for a long time and I'm excited to feel like I will be stepping back into that. I don't know exactly how that's I I see still to this day feel like I the Lord is keeping me in the dark. Like it's like a day by day thing where I'm like, if I think too far ahead, I get overwhelmed because I'm like, well, how are we going to how are we going to shoot? Like, Lord, like how are we like, we don't have family here. They used to watch our kids. If I had to shoot, it would be, you know, Justice and I could like leave town. Like we could do whatever we needed to do because we had family to watch our kids. And like we had the ability to just go and do these things. And like how is that going to work here? And um I do feel like he's shaping it, but it's so slow. And it's taking like just it's taking faith that he's going to like bring this together. And there's like such a deeper heart behind what I want to do with um House of Dawn and like the whole heart behind it. Like I wish I could convey what we're like creating this site to be and like what I was going to say is in April we had our brand shoot and it was something like it I have never put in that much effort and planning and execution into a brand shoot in my entire life. Like I never had branding photos like I had I went and had took headshots like as an entrepreneur and as like a photographer like I'd have my friends like we'd like you know trade you know headshots we'd like take pictures of each other and we'd like put those up and use them for our website or whatever. And when we launched house or when we launched Dawn Photoc, we had like the whole team go to like a studio and we had like headshots and team photos taken um but like there was not really like a whole lot of creativity or vision or like heart behind what we were doing and trying to convey anything through the photos. It was more of just like you need some for like the about me page and the team page or you know like whatever you need for the website and like maybe a couple to use like as you're posting on Instagram some like personal photos or whatever. But this shoot went so in depth and it was so oh my gosh I have it was so creatively fulfilling that I actually like cried it was it was just like it's such an expression of my heart and like I haven't got I haven't gotten to create things that feel like me in a very long time like that feel like an actual expression of like my ability to see and um the way that I view the world and even when I was Michaela Dawn photography and I was successful when I was traveling all the world shooting weddings and like my work was stellar like I will not lie I am so proud of what I used to create but I was not who I am now and there was an element that I felt very disconnected from my actual work. Like I knew what to shoot how to shoot um how to edit like to get people to like it but I was I didn't feel like I identified with it. Like I didn't want it hanging in my house but I couldn't explain why I was just like I don't like I wouldn't want this but other people love it and like you know and it was beautiful work. Like I still look back at my stuff and I'm like man I was a dang good photographer but like I I did it for other I did it for the clout and for the um like just to get the most bookings and to be the most relevant and um just kind of did it for others' eyes and I didn't really like have an identified nature with it. Like it was an extension of me or my like artistic eye but I also wasn't saved at the time so I don't even think I knew who I was like I really didn't um I think I was constantly on this quest to find out who I was but like I didn't know who I was and um and so when we did this brand shoot it was like oh my gosh like I can't believe that we did that like I cannot believe that I like came up with the creative direction and found the location planned out the outfits planned out like the the details and the artifacts that I would like showcase like did the storytelling like there was there was so much depth to it and I still feel like it wasn't it was so chaotic we had like a whole day at an Airbnb that we rented um and we took the whole family and it was part family shoot part branding part couples like Justice and I um and like part business shoot. So it was so much and we had a photographer there and a videographer and I had like planned out like I had shot lists I had scenes I had like all the things that would like display almost like I wanted what our shoot was to explain to people visually like of what I want to do with them and their like wedding or family or um even like if we do like vocational shoots like kind of like I say that like branding because I don't know that I love the word branding but like this vocation like um like your passion or something like there's just so there's so much I wanted to convey through it that I wanted to do it justice. And I feel like we still I went back after we left and I was like oh we forgot to do this we forgot to do this like crap there was so many moving parts but I'm so like I'm infinitely proud of us. I'm so thankful for um my friend Brittany who was willing to come and shoot that for us and like take on my like creative vision and then hand me the images so I could edit them and like really bring this to life and she was so incredible and then we hired a videographer who came and like you know we kind of instructed on what we wanted and the scenes and whatever and Justice worked with him and I worked with him and then he gave us the footage that we'll edit and we'll kind of put it out there. So I'm really excited for everybody to see it. Um I think we're gonna be launching probably in September it was way later than I thought like I thought we would be like launching a business at the beginning of this year. And really like God has been so slow with us like and so slow with like shaping so many things that need to be done in our life and I think that's been super intentional on his part um because I wanted to just like hurry hurry hurry we have to like do something we have to do something we have to get like a business going we have to like make money we can't like sit here and just dwindle away at like our you know our savings that we have from the house that we sold and you know it's just it's like God has just been like okay you are doing all of this out of fear like out of fear of the future and like I really did lose sight of that. I have to admit like I've had to repent and just like admit like I really have been I've operated so much out of fear and anxiety since moving here. It's like I forgot everything you taught me up until the point that we moved. It's like I came here and I had amnesia and I was like I don't know what God's ever done in my life. I don't know how I can trust him. And I mean that's just I think human nature like I'm just admitting it um but it is very um almost embarrassing and vulnerable to say like I I've had to repent so much over the way that I have acted here the like my heart and my distrust and but I'm also so thankful that the Lord has is not surprised and wants our honesty like he can work with honesty. And I just I read the Psalms and I'm like oh David felt this too like David knew the Lord he was after God's own heart and yet there were so many times where he forgot like where he needed to be reminded where he had to remind himself where he had to like look back and like remind himself of like what God had done and like what he was he promised to do. And he had to like cry out to the Lord and be like remember me like will you remember me please when will you remember me? Like do you remember that you made me and I exist um and that you like set me on this path and I'm like just you know I'm waiting for you to show back up and like destroy my enemies and like bring me up out of this like miry pit please help. But it's just it's encouraging to know like that the giants of the Bible um these men of renown who could who were like you know written into the book of life are um you know struggle with those same things and that it really is just like a human journey and like I think the whole point is that we walk it out with the Lord and that we're honest with him and um but yeah that's just uh that's a little bit of the update from the business side of things and just I I'm excited to kind of you know be the this is the first space that I've really like talked about it. Um and I'm excited to show you guys what um the dream and and like just the shaping of all of that is turning out to be um I think it's gonna be really really cool and not cool because I did it. It's really cool because out of all my inadequacy and inability to do anything the Lord has really done it. Like he really will get all the glory um from any of it. Just from like the artistic standpoint to if any success comes from it um to just all of it. And uh I really am thankful that he he's made it so that that he will get the glory and and I'm thankful that he has sanctified me to a point where I know that it's not me anymore. I was super prideful um back in the day and I still struggle with pride a lot. Uh it's a huge huge thing that I struggle with and um I think it like looks differently in a lot of different areas like sometimes it shows up as like self-hatred but it's really pride um and but like I I really did back in the day like I because I was so successful and I like you know really did like I was a self-made you know multi-six figure which LOL that's like not even a lot of money now these days um but I just I did I was like I did this like I'm so good at business I'm so good at marketing I'm so good at like art I'm so good at photography I'm so good at this I'm so good at that and you know I really did take such pride in it and I found my identity in it and um and and it's funny because all of the money that I made from photography over the years has gone into houses like truly that's literally like we started my business back in 2015. We bought our first home in 2015 in two years we like paid cash renovated every square inch of it sold that used all the money from that to put a down payment on our last house um in what would have been like our you know dream neighborhood I would have been satisfied living there all my life like it was a beautiful home and we gutted it and renovated every square inch of 4,000 square feet and I was so proud of it and I used all the money to pay cash for this renovation. Like it was the way I expressed myself in my home like I just had a lot of pride in that and I poured it into these homes and you know I I thought back to this like a few days ago I was like and I just was so ecstatic that I could um afford to do that because having come from pretty much you know poverty in my whole life at something that he gave me a gift in he allowed the success knowing I would put it into this home. I would be investing it into this home uh because I can't help myself I just can't do anything else with money except for put it into a house and um and it would later actually be the provision for us to surrender everything and then trust him on this journey. And like it would be the only way I would have been able to step out and do what we're doing here and go through this season with him of like literally surrendering our lives and letting him rebuild it from the ground up like and the irony is you know we are without a house that we own now and yet he's like calling us and has called us and given me this idea for this business of house of Dawn. It's like got the word house and it I didn't even realize that like as I did it I was just like making this thing and all the symbolism in the brand and all of this like really is it's just it's wild what the Lord seems to be doing with us. Um and like how that was how he but that was all how he provided for us for us to do this thing with him. And so I just look back and I'm like that wasn't you you're an idiot and yet the Lord has been so faithful um and merciful through this process. He did all of that to walk us through this and like I'm so I'm I just look back and I am so grateful as hard as it is as like as many questions as I still have unanswered um as as to why you know why he called us to this what like I know the answer and yet you know there's still the part of me that's just waiting for like the aha like the you know this is why um it's so obvious you know but I think it's it's more subtle than that. And um but he's he's just so good and I'm trying to wrap this up we have so much happening today um the kids I this is kind of choppy because st people have like run down here in the basement and people are home now so I'm gonna have to wrap this up but I did want to just say that since the last time I recorded my aunt also came um my aunt was able to visit with um my uncle Brian my aunt Faith my uncle Brian and their two kids Raylan and Brennan who were very close with Natalie and Beckham um their whole lives. So that those were the first familiar faces I've seen in nine months and it was just such a good visit. It was so life giving uh the Lord timed that so well knew knowing I think that it was like I was reaching my capacity for uh depression and just hardship and really needed uh just a little break in the clouds and so my aunt came out and um it was just so good. I was I'm super super close with her uh probably closer with her than anyone in Lubbock and um out of my whole family where she's I always say she's like a mom, a sister um an aunt and a friend all combined to me. So I'm just really grateful that she was able to come out and they prioritized seeing us this summer. And she even came and like sent us on a date overnight. So Justice and I got a break for the first time in nine months which was just oh actually the first time in like a year. Because the last time him and I like got an overnight was when we planned like we ended up planning that we were going to move to Pennsylvania because my aunt like gave us a break and was like hey y'all go stay um overnight somewhere to just figure things out after we had sold our house and we like didn't know where we were going. So she gave us that break and that was a year ago to the month that she came to visit us and um allowed us to go on another overnight. So we went to Philly and we got to have like a date for the first time like away from the house no kids got to stay overnight there went to a comedy show I had always wanted to go to a comedy show and it was so good, so life giving um so fun and uh I really we were just so grateful for um for her just like serving us in that way and um and then also oh the week after that my uh stepsister came she came from New Zealand um she married a Kiwi and so they came with their one year old son Asa and they came and stayed with us for a couple of days so I got to see them as well and host them and so yeah just seeing family back to back and it was just really good for my soul and um and then I I did release that um Substack after all of those visits and I asked for prayer and since releasing that Substack maybe it was the combination of cathartic release I was able to kind of put what I was feeling into words um and then also asking for prayer at the end for the city of Reading itself if there's actually a spiritual darkness going on here in the spirit spirit realm and then also just for my soul like to just be buoyed by saints again and to just be honest that I really did need prayer. And since then I really have this past like I don't know few days a week or so I feel um I feel like my soul is is buoyed and I I don't want to say taking a turn because like I still am like I don't know maybe it's maybe I will start feeling terrible again next week. I don't know but I'm thankful for um the buoyed soul that I feel um currently and just the the kindness that the Lord has had on me in this process of being a total wreck and a idiot with amnesia amnesia that can't remember his goodness or his promises or his nature sometimes, um which is unchanging and I am just thankful that he's been super, super patient with me in my fumbling around trying to figure out this move and this new life that he's called us to so thankful for his provision for the church body, for our landlord, neighbor and friend Linda, who um is truly just a beacon of light for the Christian faith is just a uh just she has a large crown waiting for her in heaven I know that. So thankful for our friends Andrea and James who've befriended us and taken us under their wing here who Linda Cross introduced us to um like they have served and loved our family so so much. Andrea watched our kids for like a couple weeks in a row like helping with childcare and just helping us kind of take some time to work on the business and um just really have sir have served us so well. Her Andrea and Linda both have helped me with uh homeschooling Beckham over the summer they helped all the month of June um by volunteering to do that and trying to help him and um trying to figure out if they can make any suggestions for his future schooling options uh just wanted to get to know him better and the way he learns and has have just been such a blessing in his life and um and so yeah like we just have so many so many good people our pastor our pastor's wife our uh the leadership at our church our we just did VBS I forgot to mention that like we just ended that yesterday both Justice and I volunteered the whole week and that was the first time we ever were a part of a VBS or like volunteering in a large aspect um he did the videography all week and I just served as like a leader um helping out with the kids and teaching lessons or you know like just I didn't really teach lessons but like you know helping ask questions when we were like doing crafts like of the lesson that was taught um and just getting to see like the way the body like we've never seen a VBS done to that caliber. They had a theme for like a detective um it was called Who Did it? There was like a mystery that was being solved throughout the week and um they had a skit and they wrote their own play and they had developed the characters and made the set and like it was just done so so well. It was so fun to be a part of and our church is just so alive like it's truly like just so vibrant and there's so many hands on deck. There are so many volunteers like there are so many they just do. They're like doers of the word and I'm very encouraged because I have not seen that um and I know that I haven't been a Christian for that long um and not to say bad things about any church I've ever like seen or anything. It's just I have not met um I've not seen a church do things the way that they do them and I'm just I like Justice said like it's a unicorn of a church and I just I'm thankful for it and I just I see the need to be a part of a body like so much more than I even realized um before moving here. I don't think I would have survived this move had j had God not set us up in a body and specifically this body. And I'm still trying to pray and figure out where I fit into that body. I don't feel part of like my depression and things like has Like in just feeling like I'm so like crippled here and not knowing like where do I fit in? Like what how is there any way that I can feel like I can serve or like I can um to can give? I feel so ill ill equipped uh to do that in a church. Like I just um I don't know, like there's just so I'm I'm learning and I'm trying to like just be open to what the Lord maybe would like to do with justice and I in the body. Like what I know we're not here to just like take and to um you know, certainly we're here to glean and learn and you know, the the body has served us, but like I would love to figure out what um you know my spiritual gift is in the church and to feel like I have uh a part to play um in it. And I'm I'm so thankful that at first I didn't like how big our church was because I've always wanted to be a part of like a very small church. Um I just feel like it makes me feel less overwhelmed um with things and like not not being able to slip in and out and nobody like see you and you know you go unnoticed. And so when I first came to our church, because it's pretty large, um, I was like, oh, this is a lot bigger than I wanted, and you know, I don't know about this, but it really has there's just there's so much happening there and I feel like they they do so they do just such a good job like at shepherding and loving and sending people and making disciples of people and really uh serving and um I don't know, like I just I I honestly can't say enough good things about it and I'm just so thankful that the Lord brought us here. I truly am. Like I you know, Reading may be dark, but he was like, sorry, your church is in Reading, you have to go there. Um, and it's not actually in Reading, it's like in a farm town outside of the city, it's like an 18-minute drive from us, but um anyway. All that to say, I think that's about all the updates that I have that are like super relevant. Um yeah, I think the last thing I'd like to end with is um I am thinking about this is just something you can be praying for if you want. I really felt like the Lord dropped into my spirit the other day. Maybe it wasn't the Lord, that's where I was, you know. I don't know if you ever get confused. You're like, is this me? Is this my idea, or is this you, God? But there's freedom, so like we can just try it out, and then if we fail, then there's you know, God was in it either way. He's uh either has like a lesson sanctification or like he actually wants us to do that. So um, but I I just feel like this podcast, I don't quite know. Um, I don't know what's gonna happen. Like, I'm obviously like I'm bringing you guys along, but I really had an idea the other night where I was like, huh. What if I like did a video podcast? Like I brought it to YouTube and um it was videoing like with an actual video of me, but I am interviewing or not interviewing, I don't I don't like that word because I don't know how to interview anybody, but I would love to bring some of the women that I have actually met here on the podcast. Like Linda Cross is like the first person I was like, I want her to come on, and she c she has so much wisdom um in what I have learned from her in this, you know, kind of biblical womanhood course, like how to live life as a Christian woman, um, or a Christian in general. Like I've been going through these things, these um lessons with her, and she's been mentoring and discipling and you know, teaching and allowing me to glean from her. And I'm like, what if she came on and we could like have like she could just share her like I have a somewhat of a platform, um and she's such a hidden woman who has lived decades of just this hidden life with ordinary obedience of this steadfast faith in the Lord. And I mean, she was a missionary in Chile for 30 years. She ran a children's home there, she ran a children's home here, she's adopted four kids. Um, she couldn't have children on her own, and so she has just this like robust story, this life. And her husband died right before we moved. Um, I think it's going on a year, um, like exactly a year that he's been gone. But they served so faithfully and have just um lived some life um in these different countries and their story and just the things that they've walked through and her wisdom that I'm like, I would love it if people could just not hear me talk about what I'm learning, but like if I could just give her the mic and be like, hey, tell us about yourself, tell us your story, like explain, like help us learn from you. Like, how do we do this as Christian women in all different sorts of walks of life, and you know, just imparting her wisdom to us. And same thing with like, I would love to have like my pastor's wife on. They have adopted multiple children with special needs, and um, they have six children total, they have like walked through a lot of stuff themselves. She's had health issues, like she's gone through a lot of things, like their family has walked through a lot. They have um, again, like just this story. Like, I just feel like there's so much to be learning from these women who are actual women of valor, like they already are. Okay. Um, so I may be on a quest to become that, um, but I feel like these women are. Um, Andrea, she is like an incredible wife, incredible mother. Um, she has lived, you know, she lived in Chile. That's where she met her husband, James, and then she left everything she knew and moved here. They got married. Um, and so there's just there's just a lineup of incredible women that I have at my like just within arm's reach. I'm just thinking of so many people in my own church that I just would love. I'm like, how about we sit down and you share what the Lord has done in your life and how you have walked d obediently in your life with Christ, and like how you have mothered, or how you have done this or that, or how you lay your life down, how you um I just there's so much to learn. Um and and so yeah, that's kind of an idea I'm I'm throwing around. I brought it up to justice, and he was like, I love it, let's do it. And I think that's an incredible idea, let's do it. Um bless his heart. He's always like willing to let me try my ideas out. And um, he hears a lot of them on a day-to-day basis, let's just say that. And he sometimes, I'm sure, gets exhausted with my ideas, but that's something you can be praying about because I would love to do that. Um, I think it would be very worthwhile. I think you would be very blessed and edified by those those conversations and learning from these women. Um, and what I love about it is that like most people platform on their um podcasts, like you're gonna go try to find the experts or well-known authors or speakers or podcasters in your field. So you're gonna be really interviewing people who are known, known names. And I'm like, there are actually infinitely more unseen women of valor who are living unseen lives of obedience with Christ. And it's like absolutely astounding to hear their stories and to see them live their life, and you're like, So you just did this like with nobody ever watching you, and like you never were seen, and you didn't do it to like grow a platform or to post content about it, or you know, it's like obviously it didn't even exist in some of their days. Um, but I just yeah, it's just like there's so many women that I'm like, man, if anyone should have a platform, it should be you, and yet you are like like totally unseen here in the hills of Pennsylvania. And um anyway, be praying about that, and um I guess that will do it for this week's. Hopefully, it'll be less than three months by the time I record next. But thank you so much for listening, for um, for praying alongside us and our family, and I just appreciate um all you who show up to listen to this silly little podcast from a mom in the mountains of Pennsylvania who doesn't know what the heck she's doing. So thank you for listening to The Dawn of Valor. I'm just a wife and mom toiling in life's garden out loud in real time. This podcast is self-produced, and your support helps me keep writing, creating, and showing up in the way God has called me to. If you'd like to support, you can join me as a paid subscriber on Substack, where I share deeper reflections, personal writings, and QA's. Or you can give a one-time gift through Buy Me a Coffee. Both links are in the show notes. Whether you support there or simply listen, it means more than you could ever know. For his glory and my valor, I'll see you next time.