015: Who can break all the cycles? Who can save a bloodline? I answer with a Poem & Other Reflections- 10 months post move

In todays toiling in lifes garden out loud episode I share the poem I wrote, recorded and shared to social this week. The culmination of truth, pain and hope I've been ruminating on for years that I finally found words for.

I also share a moment I felt God hugged me for doing this podcast. Something came from it- a bible study with 70 women?? 

Then, in a turn of events that feels almost too specific to be accidental, I discovered an upcoming retreat created exclusively for Substack writers. Ironically taking place on a sixty-acre farm only twenty minutes from my house in the same farm town my church is in. I applied, and I should find out within the next few days whether I have been selected.

Finally, I talk about the quiet, fresh work God seems to be doing inside of me: beginning to uproot my consuming desire for a home.

The desire has not disappeared completely, but it no longer engulfs me. I am noticing how seldom I think about it compared with when we first moved. 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey friends, I'm Michaela Don Shaparo, and nearly four years ago, my son Bellar died one week before his first birthday. That loss was the catalyst to a war of my own metamorphosis to become a woman who possessed the virtue of his name. For years, God has been pruning, stripping, and tending to the garden of our lives. And after years of white knuckling my way through loss, I've finally surrendered everything. My husband and I, along with our five children, sold our beloved home we've raised them in. We're selling nearly everything we own and uprooting our family in Texas to plant new roots 1700 miles away in Pennsylvania. We don't know a soul, we don't have a plan, just a beckoning. We have no idea what we're doing, but we know the one who does, and we believe he's doing something new. This is my honest, real-time account of what it looks like to fight to become a woman of valor right here in the middle of surrender. It's a window into my wrestle with God, grief, and calling, because the valley of suffering really is the veil of soul making, and this is where my soul is being forged. If you're longing to see what God can do with chattered pieces, if you need to believe he still makes beauty from ashes, pull up a chair. If you want to live a life of valor but are unsure how, you're invited to listen, as I learned too. He's got the pen, I'm just the ink, and I believe he's writing something worth watching unfold. He says he will make everything beautiful in its time. This is our yes to that promise. Our lives laid bare for him to prove it true. And no matter what unfolds here in this reckless abandon, this is simply an offering for his glory and my valor. Welcome, friends, to the dawn of valor. Every piece I've fixed left its own broken bone. They say my sin is forgiven, but what about the effects when the pain that echoes is forever regret? Imagine telling a prisoner your sins are forgiven. That truth may be true, but does it remove the walls he lives in? How can this shattered life really ever be put back together? If I'm honest, I don't really want it back together. I want something new, something better altogether. And why do I want that if it's impossible? Why is this longing for restoration embossed on a soul? I don't know how to do this. How to make better from gross stuff. It's like I'm trying to feed my family with worm-infested pie crust, but that's all I have to work with. The ingredients I was given, and all I helped create with my forgiven sin mayhem. And I suppose that's all they were given to. I mean, my parents, of course. The ones who basically ruined my life with their divorce. But I guess something ruined theirs before I was ever even here. Cycles begetting monsters who wound and yet cry in real tears. And I guess that's the tragedy in and of itself. I reach further and further back on this history shelf, and all I can find are broken people and broken lives, each one passing down their inherited pride, fixing one thing, breaking another, creating babies and hurting each other. All the way back to Adam and Eve, wounds causing grief and wounds from the grieved. So where's the hope? Who can soften my heartkeeping grudges? Who can break this lineage of bludgeoning bludgeons? Surely there's more than my therapist telling me my bloodline had been waiting, waiting for me. You mean my own image bearers, I've already wounded? You mean to tell me I'm both the problem and the solution? No, there's gotta be more. There's gotta be a way. A way out of this broken body, sinful decay, a way to birth eternal beauty from all of this pain. Someone to save Emig and Natalie Beckham, Valor, Reverie, and Rune, save them from themselves, yes, but save them from me too. I look up the hill, the one I now live on. I see the skyline of trees, and I hear a cageless bird song. The creator, his breath, holding all things together. If he made us from nothing, could he really redeem it forever? The rotting ingredients handed to me, could he take the decay and instead plant a tree? Would he, could he then grow it and chop it? Would he then let his creation put himself on it, bludgeon himself and take death upon it, hold all the power, but not even stop it? Do you think he could offer the final solution to this lineage of sin, grief, and crave for retribution? Could his power to save and conquer of graves lead to a tree that's actually alive? Could its pages bear fruit in me in this life? Not because of me, but in spite? Could it make the most beautiful fruit basket to carry? An apple, a peach, maybe a cherry? Could I learn to make pie? Could it feed in delight? Could its aroma be an offering drifting up to the sky? Could I be tutored and taught in one single bite? Could I learn all the things I should have been taught? Like how to mother and how to take captive my thoughts? Could it teach me humility, forgiveness, and love? Could my story be changed through one of a tree covered in blood? I can't break all the cycles or save my bloodline. Could I take off that yoke and dip bread in the wine? Is the redemption really bespoke? Can my soul really find rest in the shade of that oak? Its bare branches to blooms, changing leaves colored like caramel. Can the tree reveal something more of his plan with the garden and fall? His control of life and all the cycles therein? Maybe every bloodline has been waiting for him. That was a poem called Bloodlines that I actually released on my Substack and my Instagram and Facebook this past week. If you're listening to this now, there's a good chance you already heard it because you're already following me on those platforms, but I just thought I would kind of paste it at the top of the hour here, just in because this is this is what I'm going through right now. This is the ruminations, the culmination of all my ruminations and my um my struggle and my real my real time figuring things out with the Lord. And I wrote that poem just as a response to just this actually, I sat down writing an entirely different poem, and I I kind of just braindumped what I was initially struggling with, which happened to be all this hurt and pain that I was feeling in my own failures and some irrevocable life decisions that have led me to where I am now. And those decisions, if you trace them all the way back, could be blamed on my upbringing and my parents and you know, what how I got into the situation that I did that then led into all these other decisions that came from having a very broken childhood and trauma and sexual trauma and all of these things that happened to me as a result of choices made by adults that were entrusted with my soul and didn't do the job that I'm sure I would have liked them to do, and didn't do a perfect a perfect job as parents and their divorce heavily affected me and all of these things. And so in my struggle in this sanctification journey that I'm in now, I recently had this bout of just anger and rage almost toward my past. And like I was kicking myself for making these decisions that's put that has put me into a position now where I struggle so deeply with not knowing how to be an adult, with not ha knowing how to be the parent I want to be. And it's like I'm kicking myself and I'm kicking my parents and I'm kicking, you know, justice, and I'm kicking like I'm kicking and screaming and I'm flailing, and I'm like, this isn't fair. I hate this, I hate that what should have been done for me wasn't done for me, and it's affecting how I can feel like I can't do what I need to do for my kids because I've never seen this done before. And it's just like this cyclical thing that you can get into this like rut, and and like I just felt the weight of all of that in the past few weeks. There's just been various, various things that we've been going through in our sanctification journey, and it's squeezing all of this out, and there's all this pain, and that you sit in this like dichotomy of like of like this anger at your parents and what they gave you, and then you look at your own life and you're like, I've done no better for mine, but then you want to blame why you haven't done better for yours on your parents, and then but then you sit back and you're like, Well, you know, they did according to what they because I I know some of their story, like obviously I don't know everything about my parents, but I know that my dad's dad was abusive, and my dad wasn't abusive, so he he broke some generational cycles, like he didn't do that, but then you know, he did other things, and same goes for my mother, you know, and there's just all of these, all of these painful things that then when you sit down and you're like ruminating over your life and you're looking back and you're trying to like find where can I find the root of this, and you sit down and you can look through all your history books and you can figure out all right, which one of you suckers started this thing, and you will find it was Adam and Eve, and you can go all the way back and it's like, oh, this is a fall issue. Like this is every single one of us, like whether we've broken generational curses or picked some up or you know, broken some cycles or started some on our own, like we're all broken sinners, like our lineage, our bloodlines are all completely marred by the fall. And and and then we sit here in this 21st century and we live in a culture that you know you scroll on Instagram or all the books that are coming out or the podcast or whatever, and they all tell you that you can break all the cycles and that it ends with you, and that it stops here, and that all of this is basically up to you. And we have the tools now and the resources, and that like we live in this therapy culture, you know, everyone needs therapy, and that's the answer to all of our problems, and now we have these resources and science, and we figured out psychology, and now we have all these tools to help us, you know, end all these cycles and be, you know, heal our inner child and align our chakras and like all this, all this stuff that's like it feels empowering if you like are not saved, probably. Because I remember before I got saved, like reading some of that stuff and feeling like, yeah, I'm gonna do it. Like I'm gonna, you know, if you know me, I'm uh I love a challenge, you know, I love a good challenge and I love being competitive. And so I just looked at my parents and I thought, you guys are lame, um, you're losers, and I'm gonna do a better job than you. So naturally, me, you know, having come from like, let's just use the impoverished background for an example, like not coming from um any money and always struggling and living with my grandma off and on my whole life and not having, you know, nice things or you know, nice how we don't even we didn't even own a house my whole life growing up. Um, you know, not having all all the things. And so me thinking, oh, I'm gonna just that's the thing I'll do better than you, and that'll be good enough. And so I spent all these years building a business and chasing success and entrepreneurship, and like I thought, aha, look, look what I've done. I've I've done a better job than my parents did at this one area. I've provided for my children, I've bought a home, I've provided stability and yada yada yada. But then there's like this slew of other things that I look at and I'm like, but I failed here, I failed here, I failed here. I I mean I was a teen mom for God's sake. Like I was or for goodness sake, sorry. Um, I I was a teen mom. I like I didn't start out on a good foot. I didn't I obviously didn't know what I was doing when I was a mother. I had a lot of trauma um before she was born. I had trauma during and after her birth. I wasn't able to breastfeed. I wasn't able to bond properly because of a lot of different circumstances. It's an entirely different podcast for another day. I struggled stepping into motherhood. I had all of these um I just I I have all these things that I did wrong. And, you know, and then even after I, you know, I got married and we had Natalie and Beckham, and then, you know, we're technically a quote unquote whole family. You know, we don't we're not divorced, we don't have a broken home yet, although it was very dysfunctional. You know, I I still, it's like I was doing all of these things wrong, and I didn't have a framework for how I should live. And anyway, it's like all my life, it's like this this whole journey, and then we're we're in this time period now where you know we have a we've had a lot of time to sit here and kind of ruminate and let the marinade of our life kind of be like we we can see it all, we can feel it all, we're we're purposefully, we purposefully put ourselves through this because we knew it would be sanctifying. And part of that sanctification process is like this squeezing that's bringing all of this ick to the surface in my own heart and my own life and the way that I am just seeing how I respond to trial or to my marriage or my kids, or you know, and I'm looking back and I I'm having all this time to reflect, and you know, it's just been it's been like this oh my goodness, like it's n and I I've known, I've known for a long time, and I remember when I became a Christian, like it was one of the one of the most freeing things when I became a Christian was I almost took this it insanely deep exhale when I f when the gospel hit my life and I realized it wasn't up to me anymore. Like it actually would never was, and I will never be strong enough or capable enough or smart enough or disciplined enough or healthy enough or healed enough or anything to like break all of these cycles and like make sure that I don't wound my children ever, and that I fill all their needs and I fill all their voids and that they never lack anything because I have given them everything and that they don't have the kind of childhood I had and that they have better than I did, and you know, all of these things. It's like the sovereignty of God provided such a deep breath of oxygen that I finally felt like I released this weight that I couldn't carry, and I was like, this is this is the answer, like this has always been the answer, and this is the answer. It's like I don't have to go out and find it, I don't have and every other person doesn't like they're all on these journeys to like heal themselves and find themselves and do all this so that they can heal their next generations and yada yada. But like the answer is Jesus, and it's like every everybody that has children has an opportunity if they have Jesus to simply give their children to Jesus, and you can't save your children, your their salvation isn't in your hands, but the only thing you really are required to do is show them your need for Jesus so that they might recognize their own need for Jesus. And as long as you're giving your children a repentant heart from yourself, like as long as you are showing them your repentance for all of your failings, and as long as you are pointing them to Christ, you have given them everything. And we're not gonna do all of that, right? Especially if you're like me and you came to faith at a later stage and then you waited on your husband to be come to faith for five years, and you know, you you're just you're trying as an adult to kind of like you can't go back in time, and you're kind of trying it's like you can never get ahead, and you're you're trying to do it now, but there's all this life that kind of bulldozes over your efforts because it's already done it, you know, you've already created these patterns and you know, you've already like not parented the way you should parent, so you're seeing this fruit in your own kids, and you know, you you have this this ick in front of you, and you're like, oh my gosh, what I'm gonna what am I gonna do? And and you you are just kind of under the weight of that. Um but at the same time, it's it's not a it's not a weight that we have to bear. It's now I know I'm a Christian and the only thing that I can do is love Jesus and pursue pursue him and show my kids that I'm pursuing him, repent when I need to repent, ask for forgiveness, and then show my kids that I need Jesus, like and hopefully by that example in their life, they will see their own need for Jesus. Because I was talking about this with a friend the other day. It was like if we could fill every void for all of our kids, if we met every need, if we were the perfect parent and we they had no trauma, and they also had no um, and it it's not like they were spoiled, they were given discipline and um discipleship and you know, if you if you gave them everything they could need, financial, emotional, mental, physical, like you met every single need, but that they never lacked for anything, like w would they would they ever recognize their n need for Jesus, or would you be their savior in their eyes? Like when would the oh I need a savior come into play for them? And I know that I mean the hope is that we do things right and that we give, you know, our kids love and discipleship and we can provide for them and we can you know meet their their physical and mental and emotional and and spiritual needs and all of these things. Like that's the hope. But the reality is that we live in a fallen world and we're not going to be able to. So that was kind of the poem and how I was like wrestling with this like dichotomy of all of these emotions and then like landing in the hope of Jesus because I remember what a what a work that did for me when I realized like it wasn't it wasn't up to me. And my my children's souls are entrusted to me for a time, but and I'm to steward them, but ultimately God is sovereign over over everything for them and over my entire life. In fact, I'm in the middle of um currently we just started over the summer. Um, a new study with my growth group, and we're going over Esther, and that has been a really time like we just started this study right in the middle of like when I was writing this poem, and when I was feeling all of this um inside my soul, and just studying the life of Esther and seeing how intricately God ordained all the circumstances for Esther to be put in the position that she was put in to, and it wasn't for her own glory or for her own self or anything, it was so that she could save her people and all of the like I mean, even her being an orphan and her having been adopted by her, I think it was her cousin, and like her being in the place that she was as an exile, and all of these, like seemingly, you know, not ideal circumstances, and then you know, the king being sinful and terrible, and basically holding a brut beauty pageant to be like, I want a new queen after his queen wouldn't just go flaunt and show herself off at one of his drunken parties, like, and he was like, You're not the queen anymore, I'm gonna get a new k queen, and then holds this beauty pageant and like has all of these, you know, all the young virgins from all the lands, you know, all around there to come and be presented as like, all right, which one of you am I gonna choose? And like all of this stuff, like sin, wickedness, perversion, circumstance, you know, less than ideal circumstance, locational factors, like um, you know, lineage factors and heritage, and all of this stuff, like it all positioned her to be in the right place at the right time. And what's interesting about the book of Esther is like God's name isn't mentioned once. Like it's not, it doesn't say anything about God, but the story is recorded as a literal can, like it's it was canonized, it's scripture, and it's God breathed, and it's I think it's just showing like God's sovereignty, like how his sovereignty is like can be trusted. And it's not saying, you know, it's I don't I don't want to look at it like a Disney princess type thing of like we're all Esther, we're all gonna be queen, because mind you, that's not a romantic story. She didn't probably want to be queen, and she probably didn't even love the king and like in that way, and she was I mean, I mean, it the the whole thing is just not it's not ideal, okay? So it's not like I'm sitting here like I'm waiting to be an Esther and crowned queen of Reading. That's why I'm here. That's not what I think at all. Um, but it's just been a really good study in um in just looking at my life and just like the the the emotions that I've been going through and um and the poem was a result of like the theological truths that I've been chewing on for since 2021. So five years I've been chewing on that and realizing that and looking at what God has done and you know, uh still struggling with my own, you know, parent and mother wounds and um just all of the all of these things while I'm, you know, simultaneously going through this deeply sanctifying journey, and you know, we're trying to pursue the Lord and we've laid our lives bare for him to make it beautiful for just like the intro to this podcast says, like we've laid our lives bare for him to prove it true, that he can make all things beautiful in its time. And we're in the midst of that, but we're like we're in the very messy middle where we're like we can't see quite yet what you're gonna do out of this, but we trust you, and also I have a lot of stuff I am just dealing with inside me. So, anyway, that is what I wanted to start the podcast with because I thought it was relevant to the storyline. I honestly feel like sometimes this is just my own recorded out out loud diary. Like maybe my kids someday will be able to, like, no one else listens to this, but they can go back and they can hear their mom's voice on her podcast, like going through this journey and I don't know, thinking I'm absolutely dumb. But anyway, uh the next thing I wanted to talk about was this actually, it was a really cool thing that happened. So I have been feeling I've said this a couple times, I feel so silly, like this podcast is so ridiculous, but it's been like a cathartic release for me. I don't have as much time as I wish I had to write in this season of life, and I I used to write a whole lot more. Um, I am finding pockets of time and trying to be more intentional about it because I think it is just very healthy for me. I think that that's like something that got that the Lord has, you know, gifted me with in a a way to make art, a way to to make meaning out of what I'm going through and things like that. But um, and so this podcast has really, when I launched it, it was like I did feel like the Lord finally gave me the green light on it, and I never really had that before. But then I also like I f I I was wanting to I was I was just wanting to record what it is I was going through and I wanted to be able to look back and remember the whole journey of like what God had done, what he was like like the whole thing the story is just so intricate. And I have literally left out so many details because of time and also just I don't know, it feels very vulnerable telling every single detail of your life on a podcast where literally anyone could listen. So um, but I at least wanted like the structure of the story to be there so I could go back. But I say all that to say there's a lot of times where I feel like this is so dumb. I'm not gonna get back on again. This is so ridiculous, and I don't know what this is doing. I don't know what the point of any of this is. Um, and I don't know if this is a selfish endeavor. Like, am I just like, I want to make a podcast? Um, you know, so anyway, I went to a Bible study because our church was hosting a Wednesday night Bible study in the summer, and Linda Cross, my neighbor, landlord friend, and um spiritual mentor of sorts, sh she was teaching on I heard that she was going to be teaching on um some of the stuff that we were going through like together, um, in my own solo time with her at her house. And so I showed up on Wednesday, this was like two weeks ago, and I showed up and I walked up and this lady from my church named Joyce just walked up to me and she was like, Mikaela, you're here. And I was like, Yeah, I wouldn't miss this for the world. She was like, Oh, I wouldn't, I didn't know if you were coming since you've, you know, you've already been going over this with Linda, and I was like, I need this like over and over and over again. And she was like, Well, you know why you were why we're doing this? And I was like, No, I don't. And she was like, Well, because I heard you on your podcast. I heard you on your podcast, and you were explaining what you were learning from Linda about holiness and the battlefield of the mind or whatever I had said. And she was like, I just thought that was so good. We sh this would be such a good study for the women at our church. So I, you know, she approached Linda and asked her if she'd be willing to teach. And so on this whatever we were going over, and she was like, Yeah, so she put together the Bible study, and there were 70 women signed up for it. And so it was, I think it was 60 the first week, and then last week there were like more more people there that than tables and chairs, and so anyway, it was just a sweet, it was a really cool little I don't know, a hug from the Lord, I guess, and just kind of made me, I was like, oh, that made me feel purposeful for a minute there. That was worthwhile. Um, so I just thought I would share that on here. So if Joyce, if you're listening to this, hello Joyce, and thank you for sharing that sweet little tidbit with me. But um, it's also really weird because I didn't really intend people in Pennsylvania to know I was doing this, and it kind of just like happened where one person found out and then a different person found out, and then several people told other people, and so I'm like, I have no idea now who is listening to this, but it's I don't know, and I feel like this more pressure. Like now I walk into church and I'm like, I hope nobody is judging me. But anyway, um, I wanted to share that, and that Bible study is so good. Um, we're just basically like studying um Christian character, and we are trying to build Christian character. It's the course that Linda wrote. I think I've talked about several of I don't I haven't talked about every single one of the modules or chapters that she and I have gone through, but um the first one and the one we're going through right now is the battlefield of the mind, and that one is so good. It starts with that because everything, everything is dependent on the mind, and that's where like every battle is either it starts and is either um won or lost in the mind, and that's where lies get planted, and that's where thought life and I I think I shared this on another thing, but there was a quote in the first module and the first thing that we're going through, um, and it says, if you sow a thought, then you'll reap an action. And if you sow an action, you reap a habit. If you sow a habit, you reap a character, and if you sow a character, you reap a destiny. So it's basically sta saying that like sowing a thought is the very first thing that happens, and then your destiny gets changed just by your simple thought. It's like a ship when a rudder, a very, very small rudder in the bottom of the ship where you can't even see, chooses where the ship is, the entire ship is gonna go. And and so basically Linda's course like addresses like how important the mind is and how we're supposed to be transformed by the renewing of our mind. And um, she just go she goes over like Satan's strategy. I mean, just think of all the way back to the Garden of Eden and like how the very first thing that basically changed the course of all of history was a thought. And, you know, it came from the serpent, it you know, to put this thought, this idea into Eve's mind. Like, did God really say that? No, God, you know, meant this and that he wants to keep you from, you know, and and then she thinks you, you know, she hears that and it goes, oh, and then she takes that lie in and she decides to act on it. And that action is what led to like the fall. And so it's anyway, we we're talking about how to basically take our thoughts captive, like what that really means, what it looks like, because that's like a really you know overused saying like take take your thoughts captive. But it's it's a it's an art that I think that you have to learn. It's a it's a discipline and a skill that I don't think we is just innate in us. We we are especially in this day and age, like we are, we're scrolling, we're watching Netflix, we're we're constantly consuming um different kinds of things. And I don't think we're constantly taking audits in our minds of like, what is that? Is that a truth or is it a lie? Should I put it, you know, should I throw it out? Should I keep it? Should I is this, you know, shaping my thought patterns or what I believe, you know, all of this. And um, and then our own struggles and our own like internal things, like what we're constantly telling ourselves during the day and the things that we're thinking most about, like I don't think we constantly really consider what our thought life is looking like. Like, what does it actually look like? What are we thinking on constantly? What are we meditating on? What are we what are we taking in externally, but then also internally, what's going on in our mind? And um, she addresses how the mind is like the citadel of the soul, and we need to have like this watch tower basically and be really intentional about what we are taking in and believing, and because those thoughts are are being planted, and if they're lies, then they're gonna they're gonna plant the lies, but then those beliefs will be grown from like our the root systems will be the beliefs that we believe from the lies, and then that the trunk of what comes up is basically like desires that we have, and then the fruit of it is our behavior. So when you're when you're constantly trying to like modify your behavior, like oh, I'm gonna stop lying so much, or oh, I'm gonna stop, you know, yelling at my kids, oh I'm gonna stop um, I don't know, drinking, oh, I'm gonna stop doing this, I'm gonna stop doing this, and you're constantly just like behavior modifying and you're just cutting the trunk off, like the root systems are still there. The lot like those lies and beliefs and desires that you have are still there, which is why for a little while it may work. It's just like when you mow a lawn and you cut weeds down. It's like if the weeds are cut, like it may look pretty for a minute, but eventually that is gonna start sprouting up and become a problem again. And it's likely going to spread and you are gonna have these same issues. That's why when you're thinking about these, like, you know, maybe lack of disciplines or habits um or habitual things that you do consistently that you hate about yourself, and you're constantly wondering, like, why can't I stop that behavior? Why can't I stop, you know, why can't I stop my spiraling anxiety, my anxiety attacks? Why can't I stop doing this, that, or the other? And it's like, if all you're doing is trying to say you're gonna stop doing it, and then you're modifying your behavior, it's like cutting it, you know, down at the trunk, but it's gonna sprout up again. And so what she basically goes through in this series is like teaching you how to take captive your thoughts, to actually understand what lies you're believing, how to discern whether or not they're lies, and how to discern whether or not they are things that you should and take, and how to battle against them, because once it's you know, it's easier once you have gotten rid of all the lies out of your garden of your mind, basically, to stand guard. But like, like like me, if I'm in this age and I'm now a saved believer and I'm just understanding this, I already have a lot of lies planted and belief systems and root systems and behaviors that are like running rampant and wild in my life, and it's really hard to like do all of this uprooting and then make sure that I can discern what comes in or out and make sure that I stand watch and keep the lies at bay. But basically her basically her what she's teaching is like how to identify the lies that you're believing and then how to replace them with truth. So you have to actually uproot them, and to uproot them, you have to put something in its place. So if you can imagine like taking a plant out, if you just like leave it barren, then like if you leave it empty, then it's more likely to grow something in that spot. Um, and it could be another weed, it could be something else. But if you replace it with a truth, then you'll grow an entirely new plant. It like it'll be something new entirely, you'll bear a different fruit. It'll be like an actual apple tree or a fruit, you know, like whatever. It'll be something new. So in order to take out that lie, you have to you have to replace it with a truth, and the truth has to come from God's word. So you memorize a scripture that combats the lie that you have. So let's say you struggle with anxiety and about provision for your future or you know, money or whatever, then you know, you can take that lie and instead memorize a scripture about, you know, him feeding the birds in the air and consider the lilies of the field and how they nor to they nor toil nor spin, and yet the he your heavenly father clothes them in, you know, more splendor than Solomon, and you and he provides for the birds of the air, and like and you have so much more value than they. And I'm totally misquoting that scripture because I don't have any of the scripture pulled up, but that's what I'm saying, is like you take a lie that you have and then you replace it with a scriptural truth that combats that lie, and you actually meditate on it, and you actually memorize it, and you start to train your mind to believe the truth instead of the lie. And the lie being, you know, God doesn't provide for me, or God doesn't see me, or he forgot about me, or he um, you know, it's up to me to provide. Um, that's a lie that I struggle with. And and so you you begin to start actively replacing these lies in your mind with truth, and it's can be transformational. And I've obviously have just started doing this, and I've just started taking, I mean, I was going through it individually with her, and we were like going through the course and we were on all these different modules, so it's not like I spent, you know, I sh I could probably spend like a whole year in just the battlefield of the mine course, and I probably should. I should just take a whole year and just like read it over and over again and read all the scripture that combats all the lies that I'm currently facing um and get them weeded out. But anyway, so I just thought I would mention that on here because it's so good. I honestly this is what I'm saying when I say I would love to have I would love to have Linda on my podcast as like a video as a video podcast. Like I would love to sit down with her, I could just like go next door, or we could like go outside in the pretty yard with the deer and Bambi running around outside behind us, um, where I could go sit in her house and like record it and just let her impart her wisdom to all of you because I feel like she does love to teach, she has a gift for teaching, and she wrote all this curriculum like on her own. Like she wrote this court course out and she loves teaching. And I'm like, this is a skill set I wish I had. I wish I had the gift of teaching, and I don't. I only have the gift of maybe storytelling or something, but it is really neat to see like I would just love I would love to sit, I would love for you to hear her life story, all her God stories, all of her different lives she's lived in her in her sh, you know, 70 years or whatever. And I would love I would love for her to like impart this wisdom from all of this to you. And maybe there's a a way I can get her like curriculum or info that and I can like put it up as like a link or something so people could just like read through it because it is so good. And um, and I love that that she is still being used, like looking at her life and like how much the Lord has used her in mission work and you know, and just seeing in her at her in her ripe age, um, just this woman of God and how the Lord is still using her. And I'm like so encouraged because I think I think we all struggle with like, okay, when's our prime over and like we're not gonna be useful anymore? You know, like we always we want to feel like we have use and we're being used for the glory of God and that we have purpose and um you know, meaning and all of that to our lives. So I just love that. And I just thought I would mention that on this one. And let's see. I also just want to say, oh yeah, I I want to just give a little story. We did go right after the last episode that I recorded. We went on a family vacation with our friends here, um, Shirley and Keith, and they're a family at the our church that we started being friends with, and um I love them so much. They invited us away to their family. Cabin/slash house that's like decorated like Cabela's, basically, like a couple hours from here. And we went there for the 4th of July, and it was so fun. And I just love them. I love their family. And we're both we're like lost families. They lost their son Oliver the same year that we lost Fowler. And so we have this really neat friendship that the Lord just plopped in our lap at our church. People who have walked a very, you know, obviously the loss is completely different, but the grief is the same. Um, and it's just really neat to to be able to see our um our friendships forming and really, really grateful for that. And the kids had an absolute blast and it was absolute chaos the whole time. And I have so many funny stories I could share from that, but I just wanted to say that was really, really cool. Um, and I'm just thankful for their friendship and that the Lord has brought them into our lives. And I'm going to be right back because Reverie woke up and now she's crying. Okay, and I'm back. Um, okay, where were we? So yeah, the July 4th weekend, that was really fun. And then let's see, I also wanted to just make a note of it that I feel like I've had a lot of I feel like the Lord is beginning to give me some clarity. And I don't know exactly what that you're like, clarity, and then you don't know. Um I don't know what I mean by that quite yet, but I do feel like it's happening, and I wish I could explain to you the feeling of that happening, but for a really long time I have felt like I am immensely confused about multiple things in my life. Um almost like there's a lot of jumbled threads and like a yarn ball, and I can't quite figure out where one begins and the other ends in terms of life and purpose, and not that I d I struggle with knowing whether or not there is purpose for my life. I just feel like there's been a lot of uh n misunderstanding what his will for me in life is. And I know that his will is to know him and love him and enjoy him forever. I know that that's the chief end of man, but I think specifically not knowing quite where what I'm supposed to be doing, um and and feeling like there's a calling on my life and I don't know how to answer it or what it is, and I feel a little bit like I'm gaining a bit of clarity on maybe a little bit of that, and not so much in a oh, I'm I've figured it out, and now I know that I'm supposed to be this or do this, and therefore the plan won't change, or he'll never have any other purpose for me. I just feel like my life a little bit is coming to a crescendo of some sort, and I that sounds really weird and silly and also kind of dumb considering the fact that a lot of life lately has felt like an ultimate low. Um, you know, with all of the floundering and, you know, sadness and homesickness and depression and struggles and things like that. But I just I want to make a note of that. I kind of want to just have a tab here in my life story to just look back and be like, what was it? Oh, remember when you felt like you were gaining clarity? Just in case, like just in case clarity does come, I will have said this at some point. So I would thought I would just put a little tab in it um with that little thought bubble. Um, but then also wanted to say that I actually justice is gone right now. He left to go spend a night at an Airbnb and spend some time alone with the Lord. And I think that we both have needed that for a little bit of time now. Um, I think it's safe to say we've we've been going and going, and there's been not much just stillness, um, you know, apart from each other, apart from the kids, and just being with the Lord and um kind of allowing room to think and to process and to figure things out in our relationship with him and communicate with him and commune with him and spend time with him. And so he is there right now and he is at this, it's like 30 minutes from us, and he found this cute little Airbnb on some land. And I just swear everything here just looks like England or so like it's just like a storybook. He sent me pictures, he was like, Oh, I have my own pond here, and he sent me pictures of him reading his Bible at the pond, and I just chuckled to myself because I I just took a screenshot of it. I shared it on my story because I it's just those things where I'm like, I never thought that would be a thing. I never thought I would be married to this person who pursues the Lord on his own and texts me and says he is by a pond reading his Bible. Like, um, it was a really sweet moment, and um, so I'm really happy for him. And then I will hopefully get to do something like that soon. I I will either probably go to the same one he went to, the the land and the Airbnb, or um, this might be separate from all of that, it might be the same, I don't know. The other day, while we were on our July 4th weekend, um, my friend Gabe from Lebick texted me and she was like, she just sent a link with no content, no context, and just sent me a link and I was like, what is this? And I like click it and it's like the writer's retreat or something. And I was like, oh, a writer's retreat, so cool. And so it's like, you know, sign up here or um apply here, and I just look over it briefly, and I don't do a deep dive or anything, but I just see that it's located in Oli, Pennsylvania, and I was like, Oly, Pennsylvania? Like, does she know? Because I haven't talked about Oli specifically on any like platform or anything. Um, but I was like, does she know that that's where my church is? Does she know that that's literally 18 minutes from my house? And so I was like, this is so neat because this is coming from a friend in Texas. She doesn't know exactly where I live here. How does she know to send me this and what the heck? So I look at it and I'm like, I'm gonna apply to go to this. It was like in a time frame in August, so next month, and it was basically like an all-inclusive, your meals are covered. It's at this like regenerative farm that is so beautiful. It lit it also looks like a slice of heaven or something out of like England, the Cotswolds. There's like swans on a pond and bridges over their rivers, and um, there's a flower field, and there's trees, and they grow chestnut trees, and um they, you know, make all of their food there, and you can like book there to stay. There's like a yoga studio, there's cold plunges, there's like there's all of this nature. It's beautiful, it's like 60 acres, and it's really neat looking. And I was like, I want to go to this. So it said apply here. So I just clicked apply and I like filled it out really briefly, answering their questions and just kind of like getting to the end of it, because I thought maybe at the end, I'm I thought it was maybe kind of like a sales tactic, like once you apply, then we send you like pricing for this writer's retreat. And it was specifically geared only towards Substack Riders. So it was like we're hosting this for Substack Riders to come here, which is why she sent it to me, because I write on Substack, and I thought this is so ironic, like, how is this retreat happening 20 minutes from me? Like, I would never otherwise even be able to think about going to something like that. And it was it's just so beautiful, and I was so excited, and I was like, okay, just get me to the pricing. Like, how much is this? Like, it was supposed to be um like a three night, I think it's a three-night stay or something. And and so I I was trying to get to the sales page, and when I clicked through the to the end, it just said, Okay, your application has been accepted. We will be in touch with you soon. And I was like, what the heck? So then I like look further down on the page and it's like pricing, and I click on it and it says, This retreat is free to those who are selected. So basically the application was an actual application, like to apply for this otherwise really expensive like stay where all your meals are included, and it's basically the way it was described is like you're just there to be in nature, to be in this beautiful environment, to be with other other creative writers that are also kind of trying to allow their minds to have some room to think and to create and write and explore. And I was like, this is this sounds like an absolute dream. Like I would love something like that. And so then I texted my friend and I was like, Oh, it's free to those who are selected, and how did you know to send this to me? Like, did you know this was right by me? And she was like, No, I had no idea. I just I just saw it, my friend sent it to me, and I can't go during those dates. I'm not available, so I sent it to you, and I was like, holy cow, this is so great. Um, so anyway, I went back and I refilled out the application, and I stated that I filled it out very quickly because I did not know it was an actual application because it's a free thing. Um, I thought I was trying to be led to a sales page, and so I refilled it out with more intention and actually put in more thought to my answers. Um, so we'll see. They stop taking applications tomorrow, and I'm not sure when they announce or when they like contact people who they have chosen to select for the opportunity, but I am really excited and I hope that ends up coming to pass, and that would be really neat. But like Justice said, when I told him that I really wanted it to happen, he was like, Well, if it's meant to be, it will be. And if it's not, then God doesn't want you to go there. I was like, okay, yeah, I know that it's fine, just shut up and let me let me want something, okay? Um, but anyway, so I will find that out soon. I just I'll also keep y'all updated on that. And if not, I don't know. I would love to collaborate with that farm because it's truly like so beautiful. I'm like, I just want to live there. Um, but also that brings me to another point that I just thought I would mention on here that I think I don't want to speak too soon, but I do think that I'm beginning to loosen my even want for a home. And I know that sounds really bizarre, and like I don't know if that sounds anticlimactic or if it sounds like not a big deal, but for me, it is a huge deal because I think in my surrender of my home, I did it with this trust in the Lord, but thinking he was going to immediately provide a long-term residence. And I would be like, you know, I knew that we wanted land and we eventually we do want some sort of land, and you know, I don't know if I would call it a farmhouse or whatever. Like that was our kind of picture of this dream that we have. And I'm drawn to old architecture, and I'm drawn to things with character and rich history, and you know, obviously being in this part of the country, knowing how old it is here, there's a lot of that out there. Obviously, it's way out of my budget, but it's not even like this hopelessness, like, oh, I'm never gonna have that, so why want it anyway? It really is like this real this beginning, this beginning release where I'm like starting to even feel like I don't think that's even the point. I don't think that that's what I'm after. I don't think that that's the goal. Like if I get that, then I'll be happy, or then I will know that the Lord restored to me, you know, everything. Or I don't know if that makes sense. Does that make sense? I just I'm feeling this like slow, like before I was like looking on Zillow every week and every day, and I was like constantly dreaming about it and thinking about it and thinking about how I couldn't wait, and I was like, I could not wait for the day that we could buy a house again and it could be, you know, more what we wanted, and we could make it into our own, and I could do all the things, and um, yeah, I just feel like this this loosening kind of desire in my heart, and maybe maybe that's maybe that's a good fruit, you know, like maybe, maybe it was an idol, and maybe the Lord is starting to release me from the grip of that, and and I'm thankful because you know, it's it's hard to pray for that. It's hard to pray and say, like, Lord, you know, you know, if you're praying for something and the prayers used to be like, Lord, please help us find a place soon, please get us, you know, into a home of our own. Please, Lord, you know the desires of my heart, please, you know, give us a home, give us a home, give us a home. And they start slowly started to form more into like Lord, if it be your will, you know, we'd love to have a home someday, but we know you know it's not that's not ultimately you know what we need or what we'll be satisfied in. And then it turned into like, Lord, if you don't want me to have that, will you take the desire away? And that's a really hard prayer to pray because when you want something really bad and you gave up everything thinking that he would come through with that thing, it's really hard to stop to start praying a different way and to say, like, Lord, if you don't want that for me, will you just remove the desire in my heart? Will you just kill the desire because I only want what you want? And then when you start to see that your desires are changing, that's even scarier because you're like, crap, it means you don't want that for me. So I guess I'm not gonna have it ever. And so then you start to panic, and then you can sometimes start to want it again so that you can hold on to it. You kind of do this dancing wrestle with the Lord, and I think that's okay too. Um, but it it is an interesting thing happening in my heart, I think. And I actually told a friend that I met with the other day, um I told her that I I had a feel like I felt like the Lord spoke to my spirit, and I I very I seldom try to use those words because I don't know that I like when people are like, God told me, or I've, you know, I heard God in my brain tell me this or whatever. But I was, you know, I've been wrestling a lot with the Lord, and I remember when like after a couple of months of living here, and I just was wrestling and wrestling and wrestling, and I was just depressed and despairing, and all of the things, you know, you've heard it on this podcast if you've listened. And I just said, Lord, when when will be we be out of here? When when will we be able to leave? When will we have a home? When will we be leaving this place? Please, Lord, when and I feel like he impressed it into my spirit in some way, not audibly, but I feel like he told me, You will leave, you will get to leave when you will miss that you're leaving. And I remember immediately being like, No, like in my heart feeling that, like knowing, like just being like, please don't, because the point where I was, and that point where it's like, you're gonna, you know, from where I was to like I'd have to wait until I actually accept not only accepted, but loved it, and then also would miss it if I left, that is a stretch. And um, and not again, it's not that we don't think this house is, you know, has potential or it's you know not you know amazing or ha you know it's so old and has full of character and it's so neat, but it's not ours, and it's not, you know, what we quote unquote envision for what we want. And we would never like if we were buying and looking to buy houses, like we would never have like even considered this as somewhere to stay long term. Like remember, we booked this place and thought we would we would be here three months, you know. We thought we'd be here from September to January, and that's it. And now here we are in July of the next year, and we've been here for ten months in this place, and um, you know, and no end in sight really, but then I see what the Lord has done with connecting us with Linda, and had we not been here, you know, the church and you know, and then her, you know, homeschooling, helping homeschool Beckham and you know, tutoring him and you know, and then you know, mentoring me, and I'm just like, you know, I I am I don't think I'm getting to the point where I necessarily would be like, oh, I miss, you know, I I'm not there yet. I I I can't say that we're there yet. Um but I do I uh there's a little bit of that, yeah. Like we're because I s we're in this close proximity to Linda and there's that relationship there, and it's just like you know, and we're close to the church, close enough and you know, 18 minutes away, but like it's there's there's that beginning, the the beginning to feeling to feeling like that. And um, so yeah, I just I think that's a big deal, even though it doesn't maybe sound like a big deal. Um it is, and I am thankful that the Lord is at least loosening my my desire in my heart and those idols and kind of uprooting them, uh, because to be owned by them and to be, you know, living in a constant state of like when, when, when, when is it gonna be over? And just like being in this constant state of like panic and you know, sadness because it's not happening in my time frame, you know, really sucks. So I would much rather just like not have the desire at all, and then like if it happens later randomly, I'd be like, oh, cool, awesome, a house, wonderful, gift from the Lord, but not an idol. Um, okay, well, I think that's about it for for this episode. This has probably gone on long enough, so I will see you guys next time. Thank you for listening to The Dawn of Valor. I'm just a wife and mom toiling in life's garden out loud in real time. This podcast is self-produced, and your support helps me keep writing, creating, and showing up in the way God has called me to. If you'd like to support, you can join me as a paid subscriber on Substack, where I share deeper reflections, personal writings, and QA's. Or you can give a one-time gift through Buy Me a Coffee. Both links are in the show notes. Whether you support there or simply listen, it means more than you could ever know. For his glory and my valor, I'll see you next time.