Marriage and Money: Love, Legacy, and the Money Between Us

Welcome back to The Unscripted Hustle Podcast, hosted by Tony Proctor!

In this episode, Tony steps into one of the most important—and most avoided—topics in relationships: the intersection of marriage and money. Whether you’re dating, engaged, newly married, or decades in, Tony breaks down why financial unity is less about dollars and more about communication, trust, and shared vision.

Drawing from real conversations, personal lessons, and the patterns he sees in couples every tax season, Tony explains why money is rarely the real issue. Instead, it’s the stories we bring into the relationship, the expectations we never say out loud, and the fear of vulnerability that keeps couples financially divided even when they love each other deeply.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why money is emotional, not mathematical

Tony unpacks how childhood experiences, past relationships, and personal insecurities shape the way each partner handles money—and why understanding those roots is the key to financial peace.

• The danger of “financial secrets”

From hidden spending to unspoken debt, Tony explains how secrecy erodes trust and creates silent tension that eventually spills into every part of the relationship.

• How to build a shared financial vision

Tony offers practical steps for couples to align on goals, values, and priorities—so money becomes a tool for unity, not conflict.

• The power of transparency and teamwork

Hear Tony’s take on why couples who talk openly about money tend to communicate better in every other area of their relationship.

Tune in, lock in, and lean in! This one is sure to help your marriage grow.

Connect with Tony: If this episode spoke to you, let Tony know! Shoot him a DM on Instagram: @IamTonyProctor.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:07

What's going on, guys? Tony Proctor. Here we are. Here we are. We're going to do this thing again. Hustle with purpose. We're going to make money. We're going to make memories. And we're going to make an impact. Today I want to talk about money and marriage. The conversations that we need to have. And so listen, if there is one thing that can make or break a relationship, it's only one thing. I'm not going to give you the one thing. There's one other thing. It's money. And that's that's near and dear to me because it's what I do day in and day out. And I don't, I don't just mean not having enough money, I mean how we think about it, how we handle it, and how we communicate it, communicate about it in a marriage. And so listen, money is one of the top reasons for divorce. We know what the other reason is. We ain't going to a whole different episode. But most couples, they don't argue about the money itself, but it's about what that money represents. Does money represent security for you? Does money represent freedom? Does money represent control? What is it that money actually represents? And the key is is not just making more money, because you know, my mentor, Biggie, more money, more problems. So the key isn't just making more money, it's actually having the right conversations about it. And I've seen how financial misalignment can create tension. My wife and I had to had to learn how to navigate this. We're still learning to navigate this reality. I mean, it's not like we got the answer and it and it wasn't always easy. So let's let's spend a couple of minutes talking about what makes these money conversations so difficult and how we can approach them differently. Most of us, we didn't grow up talking openly about money. So when we get into relationships, we bring our own habits and beliefs without even realizing it. You know, we got different mindsets. We have some people that are savers. We have some that are spenders. And guess what? The savers find the spenders. It's like it's like magnets. Like it's it's the craziest thing. And whether you're a saver or you're a spender, neither one of them are wrong. But the key is balance. So one partner may see money as security. Like, I feel good when I got a couple of coins in the bank, while the other may see it as a tool for experiences. I feel good when I'm spending this money to have an experience, whatever that experience may be. And so some of our childhood experiences really are going to shape how we view money. Like, if you think about when you were growing up, did your family struggle? Did we not even talk about finances? And we we felt like something might be up, but I don't know. Because nobody ever said anything about it. And so, you know, we avoid these money conversations because we don't want to deal with the conflict. But avoiding the conversation actually doesn't make the issue go away. It unfortunately just builds resentment over time. You know, I was reading a study in the Journal of Marriage and Family, and money disagreements, we know is one of the leading causes of divorce. Yet most couples avoid the conversation until it's a problem. So, how do we start having better money conversations in marriage? And I say marriage because I've been married for almost 20 years, but this is a relationship. Like, let's have this conversation early on. So before it becomes a problem, let's talk about it. Let's talk about it before we even get to a situation because it's a much easier conversation to have because we both are in a reasonable state of mind versus when we're in a crisis or we're in a conversation. And so when we're talking about money in our relationships and marriage, we don't want to do it only when something goes wrong. Like this needs to be a regular conversation. We have conversations about so many things, like create a time where we're going to talk about money. Me and my wife, transparently, we're supposed to have business meetings. I say supposed, because we've had some and then we didn't, and then we had, it's been on, off, on, off. But there's a section of that business meeting that we talk about money. Like, are we broke? Do we have plenty of money? Can we go here? Can we do this? Can we buy this? Can we actually go to an expensive restaurant? Or do we have to slide down the street and get that four for four? And so also when we're having this conversation, let's talk about the goals. Like, instead of arguing over how much to spend on the groceries or how much to spend on this summer vacation, like, what kind of life is it that we want to live? Do we want to live a life where we're tight? Do you want to live a life where we're just like willy-nilly, whatever the case may be? But where what are our goals? Do we want to make sure that we are putting the proper amount of money into tithe? Like, we love the Lord, we're going to give our 10% to the church, we're going to put a little extra on top of that thing. What are the goals? And so let's make sure that we have alignment on our goals, and then it becomes easier to agree on how it is that we're going to handle our money. And then let's be honest. Like, well, let's not hide debt, because that the debt is going to come to light at some point. Okay. Don't get it twisted. You can hide it for a day, you can hide it for a week, you can hide it for a month. But at some point, that debt is going to rear its ugly face and it's going to be at the most inopportune time and it's going to cause a blow up. So, like, put it all on the table. What's the income? What's the expenses? What are our savings? What's the debt? So we can make decisions based on the reality of what's going on and not just assumptions. So let me talk about how me and my wife did this. My wife needs to be on this episode. I'm going to probably have to redo this episode or do a part two of this episode with her. For those that know my wife, she is the talker in our relationship. You might not realize that, or people are like, really, she talks? No, she is the talker. I'm the one that's quiet. So, anyway, sidebar. So, look, early in our marriage, we've been doing this thing for 19 years almost. We had very different views on money, had and still have very different views on money. I was primarily focused on security, long-term planning. Like, I want my family to be good when dad's gone. But she values experiences and enjoying life now. So we got different habits, and there's some frustration on both sides. And so we have to realize that like this money situation, like, we can't fight about why we're spending what we're spending. Let's talk about like what's the reasoning behind it and how do we prevent these situations. So transparently, what we have, my wife is like, yo, I got my my coins that come into my account. I'm gonna do whatever it is that I want to do with them. Don't be asking me no questions, so be it. And I'm cool with that. The boxes come to the crib. I'm like, whatever. Now, if if I can just get my wife to buy food, like a little quick something like, oh, no, she's gonna purchase the things that she wants. And if it's a need, she's like, I ain't dealing with that. She's gonna hate me when she hears this, but that's the reality. For me, I'm more focused on what is it that we need. I'm gonna deal with that first and whatever I want, it ain't gonna happen because it just ain't gonna happen. Or I'm gonna have to keep on saving my coins until I can get to that point. So, you know, we we have shared goals now. We know what we want to do. We want to what we want to do when we finish with the house. We want to know we know what we want to do with the kids. And so, you know, we should be getting back on our scheduled money check-ins. That's not happening, but we don't have money arguments anymore because we're in a decent place. And again, whatever she does with her coins, that's on her, whatever I do with my coins, that's on me. As long as the lights don't get turned off, as long as the insurance is paid on the house, the kids, the cars, the all the things, it's all good. So that that process going through of having these meetings, it really made a difference for us, and I believe that it can work for you too. So, all right, let's get some action up in this thing. So, if you want to improve how money works in your marriage, in your relationship, here's where to start. First thing, have the money conversation, bruh. Have the money conversation, sis. Do not wait until a crisis happens to start talking about the money. Don't let the money get funny before we start having a conversation. Have them early, have them often. Second thing, understand what your partner's money mindset is. They aren't necessarily wrong for viewing it differently than you do, is how they're shaped. And so let's have that conversation. Let's be honest about the conversation. It's honest in the conversation, and let's talk through those things. And the third thing I want you guys to create a plan together. Like, don't just let one person decide everything. Like, we need to be building this thing together. Because if only one person is deciding everything, the other person might be okay on Monday, but then on Thursday, when that other person makes a decision that they feel is best, then we might have an issue. So let's create the plan together. And whatever your gifts are, let it be known. Some people make all the money and they are terrible at managing it. Just because they make the most money doesn't mean that they are the best to manage it. What are each of our strengths? And let's use that to our advantage so we can continue to accelerate whatever our goals are. So those are my three things. Real quick, have the money conversation early and often. Understand your partner's money mindset and create that financial plan together. All right. So as we close this thing up here, I don't want money to be something that drives you and your partner apart. It should actually be something that brings you guys together. The key to this is communication, alignment, and working toward shared goals. If we can get through those things, money, the money ain't gonna get funny because we got a plan with it and we know how we're gonna handle this. So listen, I appreciate you guys. If today's episode spoke to you, let me know. Let me know. Again, hit me up on IG. I am Tony Proctor. Share this with a friend, drop a comment, send me a message, let me know. Like, is this good? You feeling it? We want to talk about. Hey, I like what you said, but I disagree. I'm cool with that. Like, if you disagree, I'm cool with that. If you agree with me, appreciate you. Let's keep it going. All right, I appreciate you guys. I'm out. Peace.