Why You’re Still Sick After Trauma: Narcissistic Abuse, Sexual Trauma & Hidden Grief

Why are you still sick after trauma—even years later?
If you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse or sexual trauma and your body still hasn’t healed, this message will help you understand why.

In this deep and vulnerable episode, Shell Bell shares the connection between chronic illness, hidden grief, trauma, and spiritual oppression—and why many survivors remain stuck in cycles of physical and emotional suffering.

This teaching uncovers how buried grief, shame, and survival mechanisms can keep trauma locked in the body, especially for those who were the scapegoat in abusive family systems.

Many survivors don’t realise that underneath the strength, independence, and even anger… is unprocessed grief that was never safe to feel.

🧠 In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why trauma can manifest as chronic illness in the body
• The link between narcissistic abuse, sexual trauma, and long-term health issues
• How hidden grief stays buried through pride, shame, and survival patterns
• The emotional and spiritual impact of being the scapegoat
• How anger can act as a protective layer over deeper pain
• The connection between unforgiveness, trauma, and spiritual oppression
• How to begin healing your inner child through Christ
• Breaking generational cycles and reclaiming your identity
• Why facing grief is essential for true healing and freedom

Michelle also shares her personal experience of spiritual warfare and oppression following trauma, and how she had to fight for her healing—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

This is a message for those who feel:

• “Why am I still not better?”
• “Why is my body still struggling?”
• “Why does this pain feel stuck?”

You are not broken.
 There is a root—and healing is possible.

📖 Scriptures referenced:
 Psalm 34:18
 Psalm 147:3
 Psalm 62:8
 Romans 8:1
 Matthew 6:14-15
 Ecclesiastes 3:4

🙏 Includes a powerful prayer for releasing hidden grief, healing trauma, and stepping into freedom.

* This content discusses trauma, abuse, and emotional healing, which may be triggering for some viewers. It is shared for educational and faith-based purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical or mental health care. If you are struggling or feel overwhelmed, please seek support from a licensed therapist, doctor, or a trusted support service in your area. You are not alone, and help is available.* 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey beautiful souls. Welcome back to Red Hat Troop Ministry, a home for the broken where healing begins. I'm so happy that you're here today. If you're new here, I'm Michelle and I help people heal their soul wounds and walk through their sanctification process with the Lord Jesus Christ. I really want you to experience his love, his healing power, his transformation, what he can do in our lives, especially when we've been through trauma, when we've been through abuse, when we've been fractured. The Bible says that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted. He binds up our wounds, he sets captives free, and he really does do all of that. And he's also gentle. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. So maybe you have attended a church that was a bit legalistic, or you have been in environments that were spiritually abusive or oppressive. Maybe you've experienced legalism, religious OCD, fear, performance, striving, all of these things, which is very common. I want to show you here in this ministry that there is another way. You know, that it is through God's grace and mercy and his love for us, that we walk towards freedom and we can do so in a very gentle, loving way, where he's not condemning us, he's not shaming us, he's not angry, he's not condemning us for our sin or the things that we struggle with, especially when you've been through trauma, you're gonna have a lot of coping mechanisms and a lot of patterns and things that are even destructive, things that are not healthy. And he walks with us and he helps us to surrender those things slowly over time without religion, without control, without shame, without fear, and definitely without legalism. So this ministry is really a safe place for people who may not fit in with traditional religion, maybe it triggers too much fear in you, or maybe you just don't feel safe in controlling environments. So you need a safe place to actually walk through your healing journey in a trauma-informed way that is gentle, is compassionate, and where the fruit of the spirit is really leading you towards that freedom. Because I spent 20 years battling a Bealsabub demon that was attacking every part of my body from head to toe, mind torment, severe affliction, autoimmunity, you name it. I I've been through it, and this occurred after being sexually violated. So that opened major demonic doors in my life, and I've had to fight very hard to get free from this thing. This thing, like the Bible says, resist the enemy and he must flee from you. This thing was so ingrained in my trauma, in my belief system, in my fear, my self-protection, my shame, all of these things. I talk about some of it in my book, The Six Pins of Narcissistic Abuse, where when you have been abused by a narcissistic parent, they are instilling these six pins in you, which is shame, fear, confusion, abandonment wound wounds, rejection wounds, and unworthiness, like a belief that I'm just not worthy overall. And then there's another massive wound as well, which is the grief wound. That's what we're talking about today. All of these things get imprinted, and the soul ends up tortured, ends up in captivity, and then these spirits of torment are literally able to feed off of all of these roots, and they have all these strongholds, they have all these access points, especially if there has been incest. Like the Bible is very clear that this is a forbidden sin. And the reason why it's so forbidden is because it opens so many demonic doors in your life, and the Lord hates those who sow inequity, because that inequity ultimately falls on the person who has been traumatized, and then there's generational consequences as well for this type of trauma. Because if you're like fighting for your life while trying to raise children, that's an environment of chronic stress. So it has a chain reaction. All these generational patterns occur, and we need deliverance, we need healing, we need sanctification, but we really have to heal our soul wounds. We can't bypass. I think in a lot of deliverance ministries, that's the problem where they are literally spiritually bypassing their trauma, their pain, those soul wounds, the shame, the grief. Grief is one of those things that you can really bury, especially if you were the black sheep, if you were the scapegoat, or if you were sexually violated by a parent in particular. That grief becomes so buried, like we cannot deal with it, can't process it. Because there's an element of pride happening, which is self-protective, because you don't want to give that person power. You don't want to give them an inch. You don't want to admit that they hurt you, because there's also shame that comes along with that. So let's just get into the teaching today. Thank you for being here. I know that these topics are heavy and they're difficult, but if you're dealing with these wounds, or if you're dealing with affliction, torment, chronic illness, chronic pain as a result of being traumatized, then you're already struggling. Every day is hard. So this is not gonna be any heavier than what you're already going through. So the hidden grief of the scapegoat and the black sheep. I actually wrote a song last year, and in that song I said the grief is so buried that I can't find it. I was like listing off all my emotions and the things that I've had to fight with and overcome. And in the in the song, I'm calling out to God saying, Don't let me fall, don't let me fall into the pit, don't let me fall back into hell, don't let this spirit of affliction destroy me again. It was like a really cry for help kind of song. But in that song I said, the grief is so buried that I can't find it. And that was the truth. Like I never really grieved for my father. I never grieved for the little girl who was sexually violated. I couldn't, it was like I was cut off from those emotions. I couldn't face it, I couldn't deal with it. And that was an open door because there was actually like a hole in my heart that had shattered me because the man who was supposed to protect me and love me had violated me and harmed me in the worst way humanly possible, and I couldn't cope with it. When I tried to address this pain, it was so big that it felt like it would kill me. It felt like maybe my mind wouldn't take it, maybe I would hurt myself, you know. It was it was that big. And I know a lot of people really struggle to actually work through this pain because it is just enormous and it's really hard. That's why we block it out, it's why we dissociate, it's why we get angry, we fall into unforgiveness, bitterness, hatred, you know, you can literally hate this person because of what they put you through. And the anger is acting as a protective barrier over your heart because you're trying to protect the wound. And even these past versions of you, like the little girl was trying to protect me while I was trying to protect her. And it's just really complex, it's really layered. Sometimes we have to work through one wound before we get to the other and the other. It's like one door opens another. You know, if you're strong enough to face your fear, for example, then you might be able to face the shame. But if you don't face the fear first, then the shame might destroy you. That that's the way it works. So for me, I've had to really work with the Holy Spirit and let him guide the process of healing. He literally would tell me every single day, I need you to heal this today. Let's work on this. And triggers would come. Like certain people would trigger certain wounds on certain days, and it would just be like the next layer opening up, and I would have to address it and heal it. And it was a lot of work for me. This this was very hard work because again, I had this spirit of affliction sitting on my back, and it was like it was literally sitting here, coiled all around my spine, lower back room area. It was wrapped around my arms and legs, and it was really big, like a really big Leviathan demon that was torturing me in every way, mentally, physically, so much affliction, and it was feeding off of all my pain and all my trauma, and I just couldn't get free from it. I literally had to learn how to discard in between the spirits, how to tell the difference between this demon's voice and the voice of the Holy Spirit, and how to learn to move through my trauma, my pain without getting distracted, without getting sucked in. Because this spirit would always try to distract me. It would try to pull me into the occult, it would try to get me to listen to a false prophet, it would want me to go to the wrong church. It was constantly trying to distract me. If I was in the middle of healing my inner child, it would literally cause chaos amongst the children. Suddenly they would be killing each other in the living room, and I'd be like, What are you doing? Literally, so much distraction, so much warfare all around me constantly. The house would fill with pestilence because this demon is known as Lord of the Flies, so it literally spits out flies everywhere, and then that would attack the children. We'd all get really sick, and it was just hell. And some of you will be going through this, some of you are dealing with affliction, mental torment, the spirit that has wrapped itself around you. You could be having autoimmune reactions to it, you could be living in very real torment and chaos, and the only way out is to actually heal these parts of you that have been traumatized, close those doors, forgive, and take your power back from the enemy. I just had to continuously and repetitively do that. Just keep forgiving, keep repenting for the sins of my father. I had to forgive him, I had to forgive me, I had to put down the shame, I had to put down the guilt, the grief, all of it. And I had to learn to forgive the other people as well in my life who had walked away, rejected me, who had believed lies about me, who were literally manipulated by this person to believe that I was the problem. There was just so much pain. I can't explain how much I had to walk through in order to get free from this. It was a battle. And a lot of people would say to me, But there's freedom in Christ. Christ already died for all of this, so you don't have to do anything. But yet the demon was still sitting on top of me, crushing me, tormenting me, exhausting me, making me so sick that I couldn't work or function. It had taken over my life for 20 years. So for me that wasn't the truth. For me, I was still very much battling. And the Bible is clear about how incest can open these demonic doors and sowing inequity, like if the fodder hates inequity because of this reason, because it's so hard to get free from. It's not an easy walk, it's not an easy journey. And it's going to keep afflicting you, it's going to keep tormenting you, it's going to try to pull you backwards again and again and again. And that's why we have to really heal these wounds and take our power back. It really is about taking back your power, taking back your autonomy. And I've been in so many power struggles in my life where I felt like people were trying to control me, people were in power struggles with me. And it was the biggest trigger for me. Because when you're stripped of your power and your autonomy, and every choice and decision has been stolen from you, and even your innocence has been stolen from you, your voice has been stolen from you, your anointing has been stolen from you, because you can't some days you can't even move. It becomes not just an inner fight to get free, but also you're fighting with the people around you because every time they try to get in your way, or every time they're confused, like when somebody would say to me, There's freedom in Christ, you don't have to do this, you don't need to do deliverance. I would literally bulldoze right through them and say, Get out of my way. Because I wasn't going to let anybody stop my healing. When I was fighting so hard for my freedom, I knew freedom was at the other side, and I had to keep going and I had to trust the Holy Spirit that was guiding me and not listen to the distractions because the enemy will bring people in as well to distract you. When some of them could be well-meaning Christians, some of them may have even gone through some of the things that you've gone through and they think they know the answer, they think they know the way, but they're still being afflicted, they're still being tormented, they're still having these flare-ups every couple of months. They are unable to live in the way that they want to live, but they're telling you that you don't need to do this. And again, it's just distraction. It's the enemy bringing people to try and block that breakthrough, to try and block that healing, and you'll get into arguments with people. I knew I had to distract myself from everybody. I had to isolate. I could not be around people that would negatively influence me because I wasn't able to get free if I was arguing with them. If I was in a power struggle with somebody, if somebody was trying to tell me how I should do X, Y, Z, and then I was sitting here explaining myself to them for four hours. That's a lot of energy wasted when I could be over here healing my inner child and actually taking them, taking my power back from the enemy. So I just knew that I had to put my head down, I had to be in that secret place with the Holy Spirit, and I had to fight for my freedom. And that's exactly what I did until completion. I kept seeing the numbers 777 everywhere. And seven is the number of completion. You have to keep going until it's complete, until you're until you have your freedom, until you are sanctified, until those doors are closed, until you have forgiven everyone. And it's not easy. For some people, it's easier not to do the work because it's so much work. But then you're walking around with a demon on your back. So pick your battle. Make your choice. Which one do you want to live with? Do you want to fight and work hard for your freedom, or do you want to just stay afflicted for the rest of your life? Because it's really your choice. So when somebody has been the scapegoat or the black sheep of their family, they have generally been true hell honored. They have endured constant criticism, emotional or physical abuse, or sometimes even sexual abuse, major trauma, rejection, constant minimization of their experiences, not just from their parents, but from everybody else around them as well. Constant blame shifting. They are the one who gets the blame for everything. Extremely high expectations are put on them. And there's this constant like pressure to perform and to do everything. You could be the one that has to cook and clean and take care of your siblings and work and study and do everything. And they don't realize how much pressure they're actually putting you under, or they don't care. You'll also be dealing with flying monkeys, so people who really feed the narcissist's ego. They're their supply. They will be best buddies, they'll talk about you, you'll be the problem, and you'll be the brunt of gossip and constant slander. And then over time you do become trapped in these six pins that I talked about, which is rejection, abandonment, confusion, fear, unworthiness, and shame. And these are massive strongholds. These are huge. Like rejection is a generational curse. It is massive. Fighting that spirit of rejection, they are going to constantly reopen these wounds. There's going to be triggers, there's going to be a lot of warfare. And as long as you stay stuck in that pattern, it's going to keep repeating in different relationships, different friendships, different work environments. This spirit can literally ruin your life. You're not just dealing with one stronghold, you're dealing with all six of these. And then the grief wound by itself is also major. This is like a big hole in your heart, and it it was never healed, it never closed, it's still bleeding. And people are going to continue to poke at that wound or re trigger it, re-traumatize until we heal it. And we're going to keep attracting the same type of people as well because the nervous system is always searching to bring the cycle to completion. So if that fear was never resolved, you may even put yourself into situations that cause more fear because your body is searching for a way to resolve the fear, but you're just re-traumatizing. Same with shame. Some people who have sexual trauma, they act out sexually, but again, it's the loop. They're trying to complete something within the nervous system, within the brain. They're trying to close the cycle, but they're repeating it by attracting people who are takers, people who use them, people who hurt them, you know. You have to look at the patterns in your life. And once you recognize the pattern, it's a little bit easier to start to break it. And then you look at the root and you ask, why? Why did this pattern develop to begin with? And often the Holy Spirit will bring you back to your inner child, to the time where it all first began. And he will start healing the wound and healing the child, healing the beliefs, breaking any word curses. And we do have so many prophetic healings on the YouTube channel, Red Hot Troop Ministry, where you can sit with the Holy Spirit. They're really gentle prophetic healings. I do them in a meditative form. And I just bought some amazing music as well, which is so anointed. It's so full of the Holy Spirit. It's so powerful. So the combination of the music and the healing and the prayer, like it's it's actually just so powerful. Like the last healing that we released last Friday was unbelievable, and I'm so proud of it. It just continues to get better and better because the more I grow in my faith and my confidence, and the more the Lord works through me to bring more fruit. And the more I put down my own baggage and fears and issues, it just allows more space for the Holy Spirit to move. And I'm really feeling it. The anointing is like really starting to bring a lot of fruit, I think. You know, I think people are actually really experiencing major healing and breakthrough from these healings. And I've gotten a lot of positive feedback lately. And that was after a lot of hard work and a lot of doubt and a lot of sleepless nights and a lot of criticism as well from legalists and cessation cessationists, is that what they're called? People who don't really believe in the gifts or the Holy Spirit or God's healing power and how he still moves in our lives today. Like, there's always going to be criticism, but I've worked extremely hard to keep everything grounded in the Word of God, to make sure that it's all biblical, to make sure that I'm crucifying my flesh, that I'm not in pride, that the Holy Spirit is able to move freely. And I'm just creating these containers for people to receive healing and all glory goes to him because it is all him. And I'm just really proud of everything that he has built in this ministry. And I just want people to experience freedom. That's literally my only goal, my only agenda. I want people to get free. So if you haven't checked out those healings, go and check them out. They're gentle, they're Holy Spirit-led, they are honestly so powerful. When I lay down and listen to them, I experience so much healing from them as well. Because I've gone through all of everything that I'm teaching you guys, I've gone through it and I'm still healing and I'm still on my journey too. So we're healing together. And I just want this to be a really safe community for you guys. So why we bury our grief then? Many survivors bury their grief because there is an element of pride there that develops as a form of self-protection. We don't want our abusers to have any power over us. We don't want to give them our tears. We don't want to feel like victims. We don't want to be called victims. And I know that often, even as children, when we cry or speak up, we're often mocked or teased or shamed for it. Like, oh, you're such a victim. Oh, poor you. Let's get out the violin. There was a lot of sarc sarcasm, mocking and teasing growing up in my house, and the whole family would join in on that. You know, even cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents would join in in mocking me and teasing me. It became really shameful to even admit that I was hurt because I didn't want anybody saying, Oh, she's just a victim. I fought very hard not to be perceived as a victim. And I always wanted to portray myself as strong and resilient and brave. And when people would say to me, you have a victim mentality, that was really triggering and really upsetting because it wasn't true. I was the type to always minimize my pain and even gaslight myself. And I really struggled to face my pain. So when I started to face it, and then people would sometimes weaponize it by saying, Oh, she's such a victim. No, I'm allowing myself to be honest and real for the first time in my life, and it is the most freeing thing that I have ever done. And I will continue to be raw and real with myself because I've learned that no emotion is good or bad, and we can't bypass them, we can't push them all away and just pretend that they don't exist because what you suppress gets buried and it can cause disease. And that's what happened for me. Like I developed so much infirmity and My body because I used to bury everything and I couldn't deal with my own emotions. And even when I would try to cry, I swear like the smallest amount of tears would come out, the little bit of grief that would seep out. And I just c I couldn't deal with it. I couldn't handle it. The only thing that would actually really help me release it was music, singing, meditating, prayer, giving it to God, and then being really real with God. And sometimes he would just touch my heart and I would have a bigger release of emotion. But I I needed his help with that because I really struggled. It became such a habit and so toxic to my own body. And I think this is really common with people who have been shamed for having normal emotions. Of course you're going to be upset and angry and in grief when you've been victimized, when you've been traumatized. Like your reaction is normal. But when you're shamed for that reaction and blamed and talked about and mocked and teased, bullied, of course, everything gets tangled up and it becomes much harder to deal with those emotions. And then we can literally get angry. And the anger acts as a barrier to protect the heart, protect the wound, because we can't deal with it. And then everybody's like, She's so angry, she's so fiery. What's wrong with her? Because I would get so triggered. People would would annoy me and I would get so triggered and I'd be like, Oh, I'm so sick of you. And I would walk I'd storm out of the house. I wasn't able to communicate. I wasn't able to tell people why I was upset, why I was triggered. And it was pointless anyway, because they would just gaslight or minimize or deny or laugh at me and then gossip. So it was just a waste of time. Nobody understood why I was angry. It can feel like you're carrying this invisible boulder everywhere with you, and it's so heavy. But facing those deeper layers is really important because it moves you to true freedom and true forgiveness. We have to face these layers because in the book of Matthew, the Lord is very clear that you have to forgive. Matthew asked him, How many times do we have to forgive? And he said 77 times. Again, 7-7 is the number of completion. So you have to forgive until it's complete. I remember sitting with my inner child, 10 years old. I was literally cutting up my father's pictures, cutting him out of all our family photos, sitting in my bedroom with scissors and erasing him from everything and wishing that he would just leave or fall off a cliff or fall off the arc, just disappear from my life because you are literally like a torn in my side, you know. Like the Apostle Paul had that constant torn in his flesh. That was my father, and I hated him. I developed so much hatred and anger towards this man. I could not deal with the pain underneath that anger. I remember doing my inner child healing and I sat on the ground with the little girl. And I was like, just give your anger to God. Give it to him. It's okay. You can put it down. You don't have to carry it anymore. And then I saw the Lord lift up these barriers because the anger was just acting as a little barrier. I didn't even feel that angry, to be honest, you know. Because the Lord would say, You have to release your anger, and I'd be like, But I'm not angry. Like at most days, I'm actually chill, easy going with the kids. I get up with a smile, I chat to them the whole way to school. I'm not an angry mom. My mother used to be very angry with me in the mornings, very impatient. She would rush me to school. Everything was aggressive. I didn't have a minute's peace in the mornings. So I've always been really careful not to repeat that. Because I just know how much anxiety and stress it causes. So when the Lord would talk to me about healing anger and forgiving, I would feel kind of confused because I would say, but I'm not that angry. Sometimes it would come out. Occasionally I would just be so mad at Chris. He would do something stupid or small, and my reaction to it would be way bigger than it needed to be, and he would be so confused. Well, there's the anger. I wasn't fully aware of it. It wasn't like I was just angry all the time. But when it would come out, it would seep out and it was kind of toxic. So I was aware that I needed to release it. But as soon as the Lord lifted up those barriers and I gave the anger to him, my inner child literally just started screaming and crying and really distressed kind of tears to try to pull the anger back. She was like, This is why I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to be a mess. I don't want to be in tears. I don't want to be crying all the time. I don't want to be manic. Sometimes the anger is a little bit easier to deal with than feeling like this. I just sat with her and helped her to work through it all. But like that little girl was heartbroken, completely shattered by what my father had done. He had violated me in the worst way, and I couldn't cope with it. It was too much. And I had to keep it all to myself. It was all a big secret. Nobody knew. So when you are traumatized like that, it's it's really hard to actually deal with the pain, deal with the trauma, heal that that broken heart. You know, in Psalms 1473, he heals the brokenhearted and winds up their wounds. And this is true. I would not have been able to heal this without God. I needed him so much during this healing process. It was the hardest. And when you're talking about sexual trauma in particular, there's just so much shame. Because I remembered lying on the couch, finally letting myself cry. And I was pulling my hood up over my face and hiding my face, even from Jesus. And he was like pulling it down, saying, Don't hide your face. You you have nothing to be ashamed of. This this wasn't your fault. But there's just so much shame there, and it's really hard to talk about it. Even going into detail about things that have happened, it's impossible for me to talk to my partner about it, or a friend, or even a therapist. Most trauma survivors don't want to talk details, but you have to be able to process what happened. So for me, I was able to talk to Jesus about it because he already knew. He already knew every detail. So it it just took the shame away, and I was able to work through it with him. And the whole point was to release the emotions out of my body and just get it all out. The more I did that, the more those strongholds started to loosen, the more that Baselbob spirit lost power over me. And he had to uncoil. Because once that grief and anger and shame and confusion, once that's healing and lifting off of you, so are the demonic strongholds and the the doors are closing. Once we forgive, truly forgive from our heart, and we put it down, those doors close and you have your life back. This is how you take back your power. It literally sounds counterintuitive because you're like, they don't they don't deserve my forgiveness at all. I remember the Lord told me again to sit and just face this person like in my mind and forgive him. I literally said straight up, you do not deserve my forgiveness, but I forgive you anyway, and I give it to God and I ask God to have mercy on you, because you deserve to go to hell. I'm not one of those people that talks about sin in hell a lot because I just believe salvation belongs to the Lord and that's all up to him. It's all in his hands, and I don't stress and worry about it. But I was like, out of everyone, you actually do deserve that. You deserve it. But again, that's not in my hands. That's not up to me, that's up to God, and I can't carry it anymore. I don't deserve to live in hell for what you did. And my life has been hell for the last 20, 30 years because of what you put me through, and I refuse to live in chains anymore. So the only way I can break those chains off of me is if I forgive you, and I forgive you, you know. So you're literally taking your power back. And that's hard. Sometimes getting to that place of forgiveness takes work because all the parts of me that were traumatized every time I dissociated, every time I split away, fragmented, every time I would literally disappear into a black hole of depression, every single part of me needed to be healed, and they all needed to forgive. And when you are fragmented in this way, you're not in harmony, like you're compartmentalized. So five parts of you over here could be like, yeah, I'm ready to forgive. But then there could be a few buried parts of you that you haven't processed or dealt with that are still really angry. So for me, it was a journey where I had to heal all the broken pieces and forgive each time. And it was hard. It was a hard journey of forgiveness and healing and and cleansing, and it honestly took everything from me. Every bit of peace I had, every bit of energy, strength. There were times on this healing journey where I just felt like I was like crawling through the pit. I had no energy. It felt like all of my life force have been had been taken from me. The depression was so heavy, but I had to just keep going. You know, you have to trust in the Lord and trust in what he's doing in your life because there is light at the end of it. In Ecclesiastes 3:4, there is a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. So for many survivors, there has never really been space to mourn. This is why I used to get so mad when people would try to pull me away from my healing, because there were a few people that would say things like, How how much longer are you going to give to this person? How are you gonna let them just take over your whole life? Like if you're gonna spend like six, seven years healing, then you're you're still giving them time. They're still taking up space in your head or in your life. But it's not really a choice because when you've been broken in this way, you could develop a severe chronic illness, you could have an autoimmune disease, you could have that basalbub demon sitting on your back, or a different spirit of affliction, depending on the abuse that depending on what you've gone through. And you have to remember that this is your journey. You're the one who decides, you're in control. This is your healing journey, and nobody else can dictate to you when you put it down because we're all on our own journey, we're all in our own timeline. Some people might be able to forgive faster than I did. For me, I needed more time. And there is no rule that says that you have to stop healing now, that you have to walk in the other direction. It has to be your choice and you have to be ready for it. And there were so many times where I wanted to quit and I didn't want to continue healing, and I didn't want to walk through the pit again, and I didn't want to have to heal another 10 memories and collect more soul fragments up off the ground. But all the doors, the demonic doors were still open. The attacks were still coming. There was witchcraft, there was pestilence, my kids were getting sick. We were literally in poverty where every single time an attack came, our car would break down, or the dishwasher, the cooker, something like we could never get ahead. There was always obstacles, there was always blockages, there was always to like my voice was under constant attack. And I need my voice for my ministry. I need to have that ability to sing and to speak and to help other people through my testimony and my story. So I had to fight for these things. I had to fight to take my power back, to forgive everyone, to release the pain, to put down the burdens, to go through deliverance, to close the doors. It's more complicated than a lot of people want to believe. Because they want to believe it's easy. Most people are lazy. Let's be real. Most people are so so lazy. They would much rather go to the doctor and get a prescription than change their diet, for example. And I'm not saying that diet fixes everything. You know, there's certain things where like my son needed an inhaler last week. He had a really bad asthma attack. So don't twist my words. Like there are times where we need medicine, but there's also times where people need to get their crap together and clean up their life and do a little bit of work to actually get the results that they want. Sometimes you may need to do both, but a lot of people want the easy option and they don't want to do the work. And this for me was work. It was a lot of work and it was hard, grueling, but it was also pruning, it was preparation. It was coming out of the wilderness, it was being set apart and being prepared for my ministry and my calling. The Lord works in mysterious ways, you know. Sometimes we go through literal hell because that's how you bear the most fruit, that's how you grow, that's how you become the best version of yourself, the version that no longer takes crap from people. If you're a people pleaser, you have to learn how to not do that anymore. You know, it's important. So sometimes the Lord takes us on these journeys, and even though it's hard and it's grueling, it's worth it. Because he's breaking chains and you're breaking generational crisis and you're making a way for the next generation to hopefully have a lot less trauma than what you have. Romans 8:1. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. So again, like we're not condemning the inner child, we're acknowledging how they feel, we're letting them express their anger, we're letting them release it. We bring it to the feet of Jesus and we give it to him and we let it go because otherwise it is crushing us. And it's not fair that we should have to still carry these boulders and heavy chains everywhere with us for what somebody else did. Matthew 6, 14 to 15. For if you forgive other people when they sinned against you, your heavenly father will also forgive you. Forgiveness is hard, like I mentioned, especially when the trauma is very deep. But it's releasing the weight. And it doesn't excuse the abuse, it does not justify what they did. They still have to go before God and answer for their sins. Everybody is on their own unique journey, but forgiveness is releasing you from what happened and it's taking that weight away. So we're gonna close this up with a prayer. Heavenly Father, I lift up every person listening to this who has carried the pain of being the scapegoat or the black sheep. Lord, you see the wounds that nobody else saw. You saw the rejection, you saw the abuse, you saw the criticism and the blame. And your word says in Psalms 147 3 that you heal the brokenhearted and bind up their wounds. So today we bring every hidden wound to you. Lord, we bring the grief that has been buried for years, the grief we were told we weren't allowed to feel, the grief that we hid behind pride, anger, and survival. Father, I pray that you gently begin to release that grief now. Give your children permission to cry, permission to mourn, permission to acknowledge that pain that was done to them. Lord, we also bring the anger to you. Your word says in Psalm 62, 8, to pour out our hearts before you. So we lay every emotion at your feet right now, heal the wounded child inside each person listening, restore their shattered trust, bind up the bullet wound in their hearts, fill that empty space with your love and your presence, and Lord, we ask for the grace to forgive. Not because what happened was okay, but because we want to be free. So we release those who hurt us into your hands. We close every door that unforgiveness has opened, and we ask you to restore our hearts completely. In Jesus' name, amen. So I thank you guys for being here with me today, for listening to this podcast episode. I know that it was a heavy topic today. Many of you are struggling with similar affliction, torment, exhaustion, chronic illness, chronic pain, and maybe struggling with anger and unforgiveness. And I want you to know that all of that is not your fault, and that it is okay to give yourself permission to heal, to grieve, to cry. You're not crying for the person who hurt you, you're crying for the parts of you that were hurt, and their pain is valid, so it's about giving them the validation and the care that they need and allowing them to truly process these emotions and give it to God and ultimately forgive so that you can be free. So I hope that this brings clarity to you today, and I will see you in the next one. I love you, lads. Take care. Remember to stay close to Jesus because freedom is yours.