The Painful Truth About Narcissistic Mothers: She Felt Nothing… So I Let Go

I bumped into my narcissistic mother… and felt nothing back.
That was the moment I realised I had to let go for good.

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In this episode, I share the raw truth about what it feels like to come face-to-face with an emotionally unavailable, narcissistic parent—and finally accept that they will never meet your needs.

For years, I was still holding onto hope… waiting for empathy, accountability, or even basic emotional connection. But in that moment, I came face to face with the truth:

There was nothing there.

I talk about:

The shock of seeing a narcissistic parent and feeling emotional emptiness
The pain of having a mother who shows no empathy or emotional connection
The “void” many survivors experience when dealing with narcissistic abuse
Why toxic families operate in denial and protect the system, not the victim
Letting go of the hope that they will ever change
Breaking free from trauma bonds, rejection, and abandonment wounds
Choosing truth over illusion so you can finally heal

This is for anyone struggling with:

Narcissistic mother wounds
Emotional neglect from parents
No contact guilt
Toxic family systems and denial
The pain of never being seen, heard, or validated

Sometimes the hardest truth to accept is this:
You’re not waiting anymore… because there is nothing there to wait for.

And that’s where your freedom begins.

Disclaimer:
This content is for spiritual encouragement and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical or mental health care. Please seek a qualified professional for any health concerns.

This video reflects Christian faith-based perspectives and does not provide medical or therapeutic advice.

If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or thoughts of self-harm, please seek immediate help from a qualified professional or local emergency services.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hi beautiful souls, welcome back to Red Hat True Ministry, a home for the broken where healing begins. If you're new here, I'm Michelle and I help people heal their soul wounds through the love, power, and transformation of our Lord Jesus Christ. I myself have experienced so much healing, so much freedom after going through severe narcissistic abuse, family scapegoating, sexual trauma, severe chronic illness, you name it, I've been through it. And the Lord has been walking me out of the darkness step by step by healing my soul fragments because there was so much fear and terror and silencing, and my voice was silenced. It's taken a long time for me to walk through that darkness, to heal, to pick up those broken pieces of me off the floor, to go through that soul fragmentation work with the Lord where He put me back together piece by piece. He took all those parts of me out of captivity, and he's still doing that. We're still in process. There's still parts of me in captivity, and it's been an ongoing journey, and at times it's very overwhelming. At times there's witchcraft attacking me. At times I am feeling unwell, tired, sick. So I'm literally walking through the pit and the valley and the darkness with you guys. I know what it's like to go through extreme suffering and to have to really fight to survive. Currently, I am doing a series called The Scapegoat's Awakening. I have created a playlist for you guys on my YouTube where that whole series is together so you can find it easily. I'm not sure how much is left in this series. I feel like it's going to be another couple of episodes. Because I really want to give you the information that you need as the scapegoat. What do you need to heal? What do you need to uproot? It really is the strongholds that we end up battling and fighting as a result of going through this type of trauma. These are shame, fear, confusion, rejection, unworthiness, grief, guilt, anger, these things that we carry, the fear, the fear of feeling so alone in this world, feeling broken and not knowing how to pick yourself up, feeling overwhelmed, battling with your nervous system, your mind, your emotions, and the enemy feeding off of that a spiritual warfare that some of you are battling, which can be really difficult, and it can really reinforce that fear. So, how do we break these strongholds? How do we heal? How do we take our power back from the enemy? It really is true getting to the root cause of those problems, going back through some of your memories, healing the inner child, helping to find safety within your nervous system, finding peace. That's a journey. It's a process. You know, Job's story was an ongoing battle, and it was a long fight for Job. The Bible tell tells us that we have to keep going until completion. The number seven is quite significant in the Bible. We see it to represent the Lord's completion when he created the world, he rested on the seventh day. I see this number all throughout Scripture, and I see it regularly in my day-to-day life as well. The Lord really wants us to be steadfast and to fight for our deliverance. On one hand, you could have parts of you that are holding on to anger because it acts as a false shield or a false comfort, and they're too afraid to put it down. I had parts of me that were so scared to put down the anger because they thought, what will I cling to? What will I hold on to if I don't have my anger? It's this fear of just falling into darkness, falling into the pit, falling into depression, falling into despair. The anger can sometimes act as a shield, and you have to give that to God. Give him that boulder and then let him catch you so you're not gonna fall. It's learning to trust, it's learning to surrender, it's learning to feel safe, but you have to do it through self-compassion, self-care, self-love, because you have been through a lot. You've been traumatized, and you cannot bulldoze your way back to safety or back to healing. That will actually cause that fight or flight in you to worsen significantly. So it really is about learning to heal in stillness and peace and safety as much as possible. There's going to be times where the spiritual warfare is heavy or the memories are more difficult, or you're overwhelmed and your nervous system is going into emergency mode. I have created healings for that as well. If you go to my healing playlist on my YouTube, there's lots of healings there, which just reset the nervous system, help you come back to peace and stillness, help uproot fear or confusion or whatever it is that you're struggling with. There's a healing there for the narcissistic mother, there's healings for grief. So it's about releasing the emotions, processing them, somatically uprooting it out of your body. And if there's any parts of you that are chained in captivity or bound in torrents, the Bible talks about torns and how we can get bound up in the torns because of our beliefs and our programming and our fears and the word curses that we've spoken over ourselves or other people have spoken over us. It can really take time to get free. Like you may even need to renounce things you've said if you've said, I have a tortured soul, or I'm an empath. These things can literally be used against you. So it's learning to come out of agreement with the enemy's lies because you're not an empath. You have been traumatized, your nervous system learned how to read the room. You may have a strong gift of discernment, but if you call yourself an empath, then the enemy is able to use that against you. It's able to become a curse against you to be used. And your gifts, where the Holy Spirit is meant to flow out through you to help other people, your gift can actually be turned on you when you label yourself as an empath. And now you're becoming porous. Now you're absorbing energy, and that can make you sick. So these words that we've spoken over ourselves have to be renounced, and we have to follow the guidance of the Holy Spirit. He will guide us, he will lead us towards all healing and deliverance. Just be careful who you're listening to, who you're getting your guidance from, who's teaching you on this journey, because not everybody is his trauma-informed, not everybody who's who says they follow Jesus has the heart and mind of Christ or has been walking through their sanctification or doing the inner work in order to actually minister to you and help you from an empowered place. You don't want somebody who hasn't done any work to crucify the flesh, to come out of agreement with pride, to come out of a come out of agreement with performance. And there is a lot of false teachers, there's false prophets, and the Bible warns us about this. So you just have to be careful that you are not becoming dependent on a minister, you are not putting all your faith in a person to heal you. Because I fell into this rabbit hole early in my walk, and at the time I was very vulnerable, I was very broken. I put my faith in the wrong person, and it actually bound me in webs and created a spirit of delay to attach to me, and it it caused a lot of confusion and sabotage and trauma. So that's why I say that. Just be careful who you are seeking help and support and guidance from, because you don't want to fall into dependency, mixture, confusion. A person who says that they speak for the Lord, but maybe they're actually hearing from a counterfeit spirit, and that can create so much confusion. It doesn't even necessarily mean that that person has ill intent, but they could have unresolved pride, arrogance, they may have greed, they want to gain something from you. So you just have to be careful. Pray, test the spirit, test everything against the word of God. Make sure that you're staying close to Jesus and that you're putting your faith in him. Because this is just guidance, this is support, and it's somebody who has walked through it and knows what it's like to go through that level of health. But I'm not Jesus. You still have to go to him for your healing. Okay, so in this episode today, I want to talk about something that happened this week very briefly. I was out for dinner with my partner and kids, and I bumped into my mother, who I have no contact with for four years, and my aunt, and it was very awkward, very overwhelming actually for me. My aunt was smiling ear to ear and looked really happy to see us, but I didn't know how to receive that at all because I haven't heard from this person for four years. She never checked on me, she never texted, she never called, she never asked questions, she never wondered why I had walked away from my family. So to me, it feels very shallow and superficial for somebody to be full of smiles and joy and acting as if they're so happy to see you when you haven't heard a word from this person or anyone from the family. And then my mother, her reaction was very different. She looked down, her instinct was to avoid, like she wanted to just leave. As soon as she saw me, she went straight towards the the other bar. And then she kind of came back and said hi to the kids, but they didn't even recognize her, and she was just like, Oh, they're gorgeous, and didn't really make any eye contact with me, kind of looked in my direction a bit, and then they left, and I literally just burst into tears. That was my immediate reaction, and I couldn't calm myself, like I was in fight or flight, I was crying, I was like, we need to leave. And thankfully, we had already eaten. We were just finishing our desserts when they walked in. So I went straight to the car with the kids, and Chris went to the bar and paid. You can probably tell by looking at me, I've had a really rough week. I'm tired, I've had an infection in this area here, my jaw area, which has been a frequent source of torment for me. This has caused hell on art in my body. And the root of that is is trauma. It's silencing, it is violation, defilement, being traumatized, and nobody protecting me. Or that's where it all stored. When there's there's anger stored there and there's grief and there's there's pain. I used to have chronic pain throughout my whole body, but now it is kind of located to this one area where I get these abscesses here. And they're so hard to see. Even on an ultrasound, they can't find the source of the infection. I've seen so many specialists. I've gone to loads of doctors, I went to different dentists, I've literally tried everything. I went to ENT three times, I had surgery to remove my tonsils and remove a fistula. I had my wisdom to remove, and still it hasn't fully resolved. The symptoms have somewhat improved, but still it causes fear in my body, it causes pain. It makes me really tired, it causes inflammation, and it causes all the nerves in that area to get really painful as well. So this is something, this is an ongoing medical problem for me that I'm trying to resolve. And I've honestly put my faith in God to heal it. The Lord has done so much healing on my body, my mind, my emotions, my soul fragments. And I just feel like this is probably another soul fragment. It's another root that needs to be healed. But it's taken a long time to actually heal it because some of this stuff is hard to work through. Like you have to be ready for certain wounds and certain traumas, and your body will release what it feels safe enough to release. So if there's something in me that I still don't feel safe enough to process, I can't force it and I can't speed it up. But I feel like that root has been activating this week, and it's actually connected to sexual trauma, financial abuse, and feeling worthless and feeling terrified of receiving money or getting paid or feeling so afraid of punishment as well, or sin. All these kinds of things activate when I step out to minister, or when I try to create a program or a course or some means of income. This flares up like crazy because there's so much fear around receiving money because my abuser used the money as a weapon and told me that that's all I'm worth basically. During sexual trauma, he left two pounds by my bed and made a lot of comments regarding my worth and finances. How is an eight-year-old supposed to process that? It's actually literal insanity. But that has created financial blockages for me. It has created major trauma, major fear, and major illness in my body. So I'm trying to heal that currently. And I also feel like when the witchcraft attacks fire at me, it targets these areas, these weaknesses and these vulnerabilities in me, and the symptoms get much worse. So it's just been an ongoing battle. Sometimes the more I push or the harder I fight to get free from it, the worse it gets. The flare-up gets worse, the swelling gets worse, the pain gets worse. And it's because that inner child is just so scared of change or of stepping forward or coming out of the darkness or being seen or being silenced again, being punished. So there's still fear there to work through. And that's okay. We're all a work in progress. We all have our memories that we find harder to deal with than others. And processing the trauma connecting to my mother has also been very difficult for me. I struggle to talk about it. When it comes to my father and the abuse that I endured, I don't feel any sense of loyalty towards that man. I don't really feel anything towards him. I've worked hard to forgive him and to put it down, but there's still anger there, there's still unforgiveness, and I'm still working through that, but I don't feel loyalty to him. Whereas with my mother, it's it's a bit different. I've struggled to talk about my mother, the trauma she caused, the role she played because the inner child feels this urge to protect her, or there's still love there for her, and there's a lot of cognitive dissonance and a lot of confusion, and I struggle to accept that this woman abandoned me, or she allowed things to happen to me that no mother should allow, or she didn't protect me, she didn't fight for me, she didn't fight for my children when I walked away. And that's what I'm talking about today. There was a part of me that was stuck in this void that was waiting for her to come back for the last four years. Since I went no contact, there was a part of me that dissociated and panicked and was so traumatized by that decision. You know, the decision of leaving my family and walking away, it was so traumatic for me. I was just in the worst state that I've ever been in, to the point that I think I dissociated for like six months. I couldn't cope. And I I can barely remember that time. It's very blurry. I remember that summer as well, the first summer after walking away from my family. I drank a lot, I partyed a lot. I remember at the time hearing the Holy Spirit say, You're in instant gratification. You are trying to block out your pain. And I just couldn't even cope. I couldn't ground, I couldn't stop myself. I didn't know how to cope with how what I was feeling. It was around November time I got a really bad infection again. And I realized that I have to take care of myself. I think I started smoking as well around that time because I had quit cigarettes and I had been on and off them so many times. And this time I went back on them for three months and just smoking every day, even though my body absolutely hates it. I'm very sensitive to anything, any sort of chemicals, like even nitrates, sulfites, maltodextrin. I react so badly to that. My body just hates these chemicals and even the chlorine and the water. I can't drink tap water. It makes me really sick, it gives me an instant headache, it dehydrates me. I'm really sensitive to these things. So obviously, smoking, so bad for my body. But I was smoking every day and just trying to cope. And after three or four or five months of that, I was just like, I can't do this. I need to get back on track. And I remember the Holy Spirit saying to me, whenever you're ready, he saw a vision of somebody looking at their clock, saying, Whenever you're ready, like that's get back on track. So I was like, okay, because I had a mission to complete. I had to heal, I had to get out of the wilderness or move at least move through the wilderness. I was like, okay, I can't do this forever. So we got back on track. But it was just the hardest time. I remember how hard it was making that decision, walking away from everything I ever knew, everyone I ever loved. I knew everybody was mad at me. I knew everyone was going to be so upset. I knew nobody would understand. I knew everyone was probably confused because nobody understood the level of abuse that I had actually endured or what I had gone through. Because it it was it wasn't mild abuse, it was so severe. It was extreme coercive control. My father controlled every aspect of my life, my mind, my emotions, everything. It took years to detangle myself from his voice. It was the loudest voice in my head. When I walked away, I felt absolute terror because I was disobeying him and I was going against him and I was exposing him. So I knew that was going to make him really angry. I knew that it could potentially put me or even my children in danger. I was walking away from a very malignant, dangerous person, and nobody knew how dangerous this man was. I felt like I had to protect everyone. I thought I was protecting my sister by not telling her the truth. I was like, if I tell her the truth, then that's gonna put her in a dangerous situation. I knew I couldn't tell my mother because all she had ever done was gaslight me. And she never believed me. She never fought for me, she never took my side on anything. So it just felt unsafe. I knew if I confided in my cousins, all that information would go straight back to my mother. I I wasn't close enough to any of my aunts or uncles to truly confide in them or tell them the truth, and none of them came knocking on my door. So it was the most isolating time of my entire life and really difficult. I don't know how I got through it. You know, looking back, I don't know how I got through that time. It was very hard. And I know some of you have gone through the same thing where you felt like this responsibility, this burden, this weight, where you feel like it's all your fault. The blame is all on you, everybody's upset with you, everybody's angry at you. But you could have made that decision to protect yourself. Sometimes you you don't have a choice, especially when you're being scapegoated and they're slandering you and they're talking about you and they're making you look crazy, and other people think, oh, there's something wrong with them. That person is mentally ill, and you may not be mentally ill at all. You could just be very guarded and protecting yourself because you've been through something traumatic. And even if you are struggling with mental illness, there shouldn't be a stigma attached to that. But in these types of families, they will weaponize anything against you because again, they they don't they don't want the mirror shining on them. They don't want to take accountability. That's what I saw in my mother because this this cognitive dissonance, this confusion, I would still make excuses for her. I would still kind of cling to hope. I would hope and pray like that that maybe she's not as bad as I thought she was, or maybe she does love me, maybe she does care, like maybe she's heartbroken over the kids, maybe she wants to see them. The reality is I haven't had so much as a text from her for four years. And then the way she avoided and her instinct was to just walk away. I know that can be a trauma response, but it also kind of validates the fact that I'm never gonna get what I wanted or what I was hoping for out of that situation. That part of me that's sitting in that void, waiting for my mother to come back, waiting for accountability, waiting for an apology, waiting for somebody to see my side of the story and to support me because of what I've gone through. And then just seeing the emptiness and the void and her not even making eye contact with me and not even seeming that bothered about the children and just walking off like and my aunt acting as if nothing is wrong. That's another issue because it means if I went back, which it would be impossible. At this stage, but if I did go back, it would mean that they would just want to shove it under the rug, pretend everything's fine, not deal with the pain or the trauma or what I've gone through. I would be expected to go straight back into denial and silence. And nobody would actually give me what I need, which was support. So it's it's like a big realization. It's a moment of clarity. Every single time I've left the house for the last few years, I've prayed not to bump into my family, not to bump into people from my past, not to see my mother, and like, Lord, cover me in the blood. But it needed to happen because it woke that part of me up that was still trapped there, still waiting for my mother or somebody from my family to come and to support me and to be there and to validate and to give me that care and that love. It was a validation in that moment that that's never gonna happen. That you're literally throwing a fishing rod into a deep, empty space, and you're never gonna catch anything back, and they're never going to give you what you need. I think this is something that a lot of us need to understand and accept. Because the Lord would say to me, You need to see the truth about your mother. You need to see the truth. And me, I would start hoping. Oh, maybe she does care. Maybe that's what the Lord is saying. No. It's empty. It's an empty space, it's a void. There's nothing there. There's nothing to cling to, there's nothing to stay for. You need to leave the void. You need to close the door on the on the past. You need to stop hoping and praying that these people will see you or that they will care about you or that they will be there for you because they have never been there for you in the way that you needed. And it is time to come out of the darkness, to leave the past in the past, and to start living in your new life. You can't stay in limbo forever. That's what the Lord wants me to see and understand. I remember writing this song a few years ago about that void and what it's like to grow up with a narcissistic mother.

SPEAKER_00 24:01

Flowers don't grow in the dark. A soul without love, left to wither invite where there is no light, caged in like a bird who's had her wings cut, a voice like a lion, but no way to shine.

SPEAKER_01 24:27

Oh, where is the light? The other night I was literally talking to a lady on TikTok. She's a member of my prayer group, and when we were chatting, she got a vision of a sweet pea flower. And these sweet peas are very beautiful and really colorful, and they climb up the wall kind of like a weed. So even in unfavorable conditions, they grow. And she kept saying, Climb all the way up to ten. That's what the Lord was saying. Climb all the way up to ten. Keep climbing. That was his message to me. Like, you are this sweet pea flower that has grown even in the most unfavorable conditions. And I dreamt of a flower garden the night before, before she said that. So it was confirmation. And it just kind of made me feel really seen by the Lord because there's me singing, flowers don't grow in the dark. How can I ever grow when I've had no love and nothing has ever poured into me? But the Lord is like, you're a sweet pea. You could grow anywhere. Anywhere. I think that's that's the truth about scapegoats and people who are the truth seeker and the cycle breaker of their families. You see the world through a beautiful lens, and you are colorful and you stand out and you're different. And that's why these families can't accept you, and that's why they try to put out your light. They stifle you. They may be envious of you. And instead of protecting you, even protecting you from themselves and from their own darkness, their own ego. I've been through a lot of hell and darkness and pain, and I am not immune to having a bad day, throwing a tantrum, getting angry, getting upset, you know, getting triggered. But I have enough self-awareness to understand that I cannot take my stuff out on my children. And if I do, unintentionally, I have to apologize. I have to own it. I have to go to them and say, I'm really sorry that I upset you. I didn't mean it. I love you. I never got that from my parents ever. There's not one day in their lives that they have ever come to me and said, I'm sorry, or given me a hug or a kiss, or said it wasn't your fault. That wasn't your fault. My parents used to weaponize every single thing that I ever did or said. It was like being constantly poked apart on display, a spectacle, somebody to be torn apart, torn to shreds. Nobody gave the love, care, empathy, support that I needed, you know, and all children need that. You always need that. You need to feel seen, you need to feel chosen, you need to feel that unconditional love from your parent, you need them to be proud of you. Those are all normal human basic needs. But we end up feeling ashamed for having those needs because nobody has poured in. But thankfully, the Lord has poured into me again and again and again and again throughout my life, and He has been that one to love me unconditionally and to give me what I needed so that I could grow even in unfavorable conditions, even in the darkness. And that is beautiful. So just know that if you're going through this, you are still growing. Those roots are anchoring, you're getting deeper into the soil, and you are creating favorable conditions for you to grow. And it's like that mustard seed who starts off as the tiniest little seed in the garden, but it becomes this big tree that is able to shelter so many animals and give life. And that's what the Lord is doing through you. He is raising you up and making you a beacon of life and hope, and you're going to be a testimony. And your testimony is literally a miracle because you're surviving things that a lot of people can't even comprehend. And just because your family cannot see you, it doesn't even matter. Like we have to stop waiting for people who were never able to see us. And we have to move forward out of that darkness so that we can actually receive what the Lord is trying to bring into our lives. And He can protect us more in the light than He can in the dark. Yesterday, my hands were like this, and they're often like that, actually. My hands get attacked so much. I felt the Lord putting his hand on mine and stretching them out and all the light coming through my hands. He was like, I'm healing the work of your hands. And the attacks that have been placed on your work and your ministry and your finances and your creativity. That is all healing. But you have to put down the anger because the anger acts as a protective shield that I was holding on to, and I was like, God, I can't put it down, I can't put it down. I was so afraid to drop it because it's like, what will I hold on to without it? What will anchor me? What will keep me safe? What will protect me from these predators and these people? Because it it acted like a false shield or a false comfort. And the Lord was like, I will protect you. So then I saw myself pushing the boulder and and coming into his arms and holding on to him for dear life. And I'm like, Lord, anchor me, heal me. A lot of this anger, it's it's unseen, it's unrecognized, it's it's not obvious. We can have these emotions and these strongholds that are very buried. We can be holding on to guilt, grief, fear. The fear is a bit more obvious because you really feel the fear, but it's really easy to dissociate and block out your emotions and avoid them and not deal with them. But then we end up with a lot of symptoms and discomfort and pain and sleepless nights and torment, and the enemy is really able to weaponize these things. So that's why the Lord wants us to heal, so that he can uproot it and set us free from it. Psalms 27:10. Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me. This is so true. He has poured into me, he has loved me, he has sustained me in the darkness. Somehow I made it through that situation. Somehow I survived even with a chronic infection. Somehow I'm still here, I'm still standing, even after all the witchcraft attacks and all the hell and all the chaos and all the pain. I'm still here and I'm still ready to walk into to a new future, a new reality, where I'm not in pain anymore, where I'm not sick, where I'm not holding on to the hearts of the past. I'm putting it all down. Even though it's a process and a journey, and there's still things to heal, I am just so grateful that the Lord is by my side and that I don't have to do this alone. So another verse that is very relevant today is John 8 32. The truth will set you free. The Lord kept pulling me back to truth. You know, every time that Stockholm syndrome, denial, the cognitive dissonance, the hope that that there may be something there, even unconsciously, like not me consciously knowing that that's what I was waiting for, but it was there underneath. And the Lord telling me, see the truth clearly, because it will set you free when you see that there's nothing there, that this mother is not capable of giving you the love and care and protection that you needed. She she had thirty plus years to do that and she didn't do it. So there's nothing left to hold on to. There's nothing to return to, and the guilt and the shame does not belong to me, so I have to put it down. That's what the Lord has been trying to guide me through, is putting it down, not carrying it anymore, not picking up the whole generational baggage and carrying it on my back. Because it's time to put it down, it's time to be free, and then letting go of the void. Jesus never asked us to chase people that have rejected us. Matthew 10, 14, if anyone will not welcome you, leave that place. Some of us are staying where we've where we've been pulled out of, or we're holding on to hope when even logically we know that there is nothing left but emotionally you could still be holding on. And Psalms 34, 18, the Lord is close to the brokenhearted. So let him heal that void, let him heal that wound so that you can be free. In Isaiah 43, 18, forget the former things, for I am doing a new thing. We're putting down the fear, we're putting down the confusion, we're putting down the shame, we're putting down the unworthiness, we're putting down the abandonment, we're putting down the rejection, and we're not waiting anymore. We're not reaching into empty spaces anymore. We're not begging for love that God already gives us freely. I heard a saying recently, you are too anointed to beg for love, to beg for breadcrumbs, to wait for the little crumbs that these people gave. To anoint it. Galatians 5 1 says, It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. So why would we go back to chains? Why would we stay in chains? It's it's normal because this person, maybe your mother, your father, obviously somebody very close to you, but it may also be time. Time to put it down and not carry it anymore. Because sometimes we carry all the emotional weight for others, and it's just not sustainable and it's not safe. It blocks your new beginning, it blocks that new life that the Lord is trying to bring to you. So let's just end this with a very short prayer today. I'm going to create a healing for Friday so you can come to the YouTube channel if you're watching on the podcast. Come over to the YouTube, check out the Friday healings, they are so powerful. And the Lord really does so much amazing work through these healings where He just helps us to feel safe and loved and supported and cared for and just held while we process these heavy, dark emotions and we pull our soul fragments out of captivity, we break the chains, we tear down the strongholds, and we walk towards freedom. So, Jesus, I release every expectation that I placed on people who could not love me. I lay down the pain, the waiting, the longing, and I receive your love in its place, heal every broken part of me, and lead me toward truth and freedom. In Jesus' name, amen. So thank you so much, guys, for listening today. If you're on YouTube, hit that like button, comment, share it with a friend. You can also check out my book, The Six Pins of Narcissistic Abuse. This book goes through the different strongholds and it has loads of scripture and loads of prayers to help you get free from parental narcissistic abuse, particularly from the bloodline perspective and those strongholds that can occur, the Leviathan spirit, the Jezebel spirit. It it talks a lot about that. I've kind of changed how I think about these demonic strongholds over time, where I see it less as a demon that's chasing me or hurting me. I see it more as a symbolic thing where symbolically my mother had that spirit of Jezebel. And because of that stronghold in her, in her emotions, that void, that anger, that envy, the denial, it it allowed these strongholds to attach and harm me. But I see it less as like a big scary demon and more as personalities and symbols. And it's not that I don't believe in demons, I do believe demons are real, but it's just taking the fear out of it and shrinking it so that it's not such a heavy burden and it's not such a big thing in your mind. Because when you have PTSD, everything is blown up, everything is elevated, and then we come to Christianity and we have all this spiritual language and we're talking about the enemy and warfare and demons. Sometimes that can just become a distraction. It can become part of our OCD, it can feed our anxiety, it can create more fear, it can cause us to spend hours doing deliverance prayers that are unnecessary instead of just healing the trauma, healing the wound, healing the fear, and then just casting it out in peace. Because once you uproot the root that they're clinging on to, you can just say, Well, it's done, it's finished. You have no power over me. I have healed the wound. There's no moral grief there, so leave. Every spirit of leave every spirit of grief or torment, leave me now in Jesus' name. Just becomes so much more simplified when we do it this way. Instead of giving them so much power, I don't want to give demons a platform and I don't want to focus on them. Occasionally the Lord will ask me to talk about a throne or a ruler or something because it's relevant. If it has been taking place in your life and it's blocking your destiny or you're not able to move forward, sometimes we have to dismantle these things and we have to pray against them, but it should just be one prayer and it should be done in peace and clarity, not in fear and torment and OCD. So I hope that helps someone today. And also, I just want to talk a little bit about forgiveness as well, because I don't think I touched on it enough in this video. Forgiveness is very important, you know, putting down the anger, forgiving our parents, letting go. And that doesn't mean that we have to open the door, welcome them back in. It doesn't mean that we have to give them any emotional. Because somebody said to me the other day, give your mother a kiss and a hug and say, Hi mom, how are you? I hope you're well. I don't think that could ever happen. I don't think I could ever go over and just hug her because again, there's emptiness. There's there's nothing there. There's literally nothing. She gives absolutely nothing. Not a text, not a phone call, not a letter, not an email, not even an eye contact. When I bump into her, there's literally nothing. And I couldn't imagine just walking over there and giving her a hug. But at the same time, I don't want to be angry at her. I don't want to be bitching about her. I don't want to be gossiping or talking negative. When I create these videos, it's not because I'm trying to hurt them. It's it's me taking my power back and taking back my voice that was stolen from me. It's learning to tear down that stronghold of silence and not hold it all in here where where where there's constant pain and inflammation and abscesses and fear because that inner child still doesn't feel safe enough to talk and share her truth. And that little girl deserves to have a voice, especially for the things that were unjust and shouldn't have happened. That doesn't mean that I'm trying to hurt my parents or I'm trying to get one up on them. It just means that I need to be able to freely talk about the things that I held inside for too long. Too long it made me sick. Too long it hurt me. Too long it was silence and secrets and buried pain and a tortured, trapped soul. And I can't live like that anymore. I need to be able to speak freely about what I've gone through, and this is my way of doing it. And I do it in a safe way that feels safe to me. Like here, I can control how much information I give, what I say, what I don't say, and I can control the emotional whatever, I don't know what the word is, but I can't do that in a public setting or around people. If I was to share my story with people in real life, that would be very triggering, that would be very overwhelming, especially if they don't understand, if they don't get it, if they say something negative, if they try to defend my parents in some way, that's gonna create an emotional storm for me because it's essentially gaslighting and invalidating. So this is a safe container for me where I can share my story with people who are able to receive it, people who want to receive it because they're going through similar and they know what it's like to be in pain and we can support each other. But when you're healing, it has to be on your terms. I remember an old friend of mine, we kind of fell out a few years ago because she was very uncomfortable with vulnerability, and she was very kind of surface level and superficial in a lot of ways, and she just couldn't handle the emotional depth or the trauma, the healing journey. What I was going through, she she didn't really have a tolerance level for it. Once I realized that, I was like, we can't really stay friends because I'm just going through a lot right now, and I would rather heal alone than heal around people who want to silence me because she laid down a lot of terms and conditions. She was like, I would rather if we didn't talk about this, this, this, this, and this. Literally, she listed a load of things that she didn't want me to talk about. So you just want me to talk about the weather and what you ate for breakfast? To me, that's not a friendship. Anyway, I walked away from that friendship. But one of the things she said to me during this kind of conflict, I said, I'm a very private person, though, and I need to share on my own terms. And she was like, What do you mean you're very private? You put everything on the internet. It was just weaponizing something. It made me realize this person isn't safe. You know, they're not a safe emotional person for me as somebody who's healing from trauma because trauma survivors need to have safe outlets and they need to have ways of expressing themselves that feel safe. And me talking online is my way of expressing myself and speaking my truth and breaking my silence and helping other people and creating something good out of something bad. And hopefully, my testimony will lead other people to freedom. But other people can really weaponize that. They're like, How are you private? How are you a private person when you share everything online? I'm actually so private in real life. It's insane how private I am. I don't talk about myself, I don't tell anybody anything. I'm very guarded, I'm very protective. The Lord is trying to heal that self-protection. But I'm cautious. I don't overshare unless I really trust somebody. And then when I've trusted somebody so much to the point that I've shared my story, and then they weaponize it, it's like, whoa, straight back into the self-protection we go. We've done a lot of talking today. I guess I'm still feeling a lot of internal chaos from that encounter with my mother, and I'm still healing from it. But I do forgive her, I do still have love for her, I do still have care for people from my past. I don't wish anything bad on them, but there has to be a wall there between me and them. I have to protect myself from them because they weren't there during the worst storms of my life. And order for me, in order for me to survive within that system, I had to. Be silent. I had to suppress everything. I had to live in denial. That's not sustainable for me going forward because I want to heal from the chronic illness. And I have healed 80%. Like apart from this one area of pain and inflammation and stress in my body. The rest of me has gone through significant healing. I want to see that all the way through to completion. So I'm not going backwards. I'm moving forward. I just pray that this episode helps you today. I love you lots, guys. I will see you on Friday. Take care. Bye. Remember to stay close to Jesus because freedom is yours.