Why Narcissists Always Look Like the Good Guy And Victims Look Crazy

Why do narcissists often appear kind, generous, spiritual, or respected publicly while their victims are left looking reactive, emotional, unstable, or “crazy”? In this episode, we expose the hidden tactics narcissists use to manipulate perception, maintain control, and protect their public image while privately causing emotional devastation.

We explore reactive abuse, gaslighting, covert narcissism, communal narcissism, spiritual abuse, trauma, emotional manipulation, and the painful reality of not being believed after narcissistic abuse. This episode also dives into healing from complex trauma, rebuilding identity after abuse, nervous system dysregulation, and finding healing and restoration through faith in Jesus Christ.

If you have experienced narcissistic abuse, emotional abuse, toxic family systems, church trauma, spiritual manipulation, gaslighting, abandonment wounds, or covert abuse, this conversation will help validate what you went through and remind you that healing is possible.

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In this episode:
• Reactive abuse explained
• Why narcissists look good publicly
• Covert narcissists and communal narcissists
• Spiritual abuse and toxic church culture
• Gaslighting and emotional manipulation
• Trauma responses and nervous system dysregulation
• Healing the inner child through faith
• Rebuilding identity after narcissistic abuse
• Christian healing and emotional recovery

If this episode helped you, please like, subscribe, and share it with someone who needs encouragement and validation today.

Disclaimer: This content is shared from a Christian faith-based perspective for educational and spiritual encouragement purposes only. Please use your own discernment and seek professional medical, mental health, or crisis support where needed. This channel is not a substitute for licensed medical or therapeutic care.

Transcript

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Hey beautiful souls, welcome back to Red Hot Truth, a home for the broken where healing begins. If you're new here, I'm Michelle, and I help people heal their soul wounds through the love, power, and transformation of our Lord Jesus Christ. Today we're talking about how narcissists get rewarded in society. This is honestly very frustrating for any person who has been victimized by a narcissist, and you can see how they get rewarded for their toxic behavior and how other people big them up and make them feel important and they continue with their toxic behavior while nobody calls them out on it. This morning I was thinking about examples in my own life from years of dealing with these types of people that I could literally think of multiple examples. This morning, as I was preparing for this episode, the narcissist will show up at the funeral, acting like the grieving saint, the savior, the martyr, the one who held the whole family together, the one who organized everything, controlled everything. They make the speeches, they act like they're exhausted, they pretend that they sacrificed so much, they paid for everything. And everybody around them is like, oh wow, they're such an amazing person. Meanwhile, nobody realizes that the money was actually left for the funeral. Or nobody realizes that they pushed everybody else out. Nobody realizes that they wanted control because control gives them attention, and nobody realizes that other family members may have actually wanted to be involved in the planning and organizing and even the paying, but they wouldn't allow them because control gives them praise, it gives them supply, and it feeds their ego. And then they turn around and they subtly shame everyone around them. Oh, funny how nobody else helped. Typical, I had to do everything myself. I guess I'm the only one who cared about that person. No, you took the entire situation, so nobody else had room to breed. And then you clapped yourself on the back, you know? That's not love. That is image management. I've gone through a situation like that in my own life where somebody close to me died and somebody just completely took over everything without even asking if anybody else wanted to help. And then they acted as if we were all the villains in the story, even though we were not given a say or a voice or a chance. In healthy families, they will assign roles. They'll be like, oh, you do the flowers, you go pick out the coffin, you come with me, and we'll do this. You know, we'll go talk to the funeral director. But in a toxic family, one person will take over everything and then blame everybody else for it. And the heartbreaking part, sometimes the people who look the most compassionate in public are the same people whose children felt emotionally abandoned behind closed doors. And that's the conversation that we're having today. Because people do not see narcissists for who they truly are. They see narcissists for how they present themselves to the world. Victims end up looking unstable, emotional, reactive, bitter, angry, difficult, while the narcissist walks away looking holy and pure. But today we're exposing that mask. This morning, I was really thinking about a time in my life where I had gone through a crazy autoimmune attack and it attacked my brain so much that my behavior changed and I started acting strange. And then they over-medicated me, which made my behavior even worse. And then the narcissist in my life got involved with the doctor, and somehow I ended up in a psych ward and ended up isolated, and my phone was taken off me, and my children ended up being with the person who abused me, and I was scared. It was a horrible situation where it felt to me like it had all been orchestrated that way. This person was so afraid of being exposed that they ensured that I ended up in psych so that I couldn't expose them. Because at the time I was remembering all of the abuse that I had gone through at the hands of this person, and then this person got involved in my medical care and suddenly I was in psych. And I had never been in a psych ward before. I was like, How the heck did this happen? Even now, six, seven years later, I'm still reeling from that situation. I'm like, how did that happen? Today I was praying about it with Jesus, and I was like, Lord, what the heck? You know, there's still so much confusion around it because I ended up going through the worst autoimmune attack that I've ever had. I had a medication reaction. It attacked my brain, it attacked my neck. I thought my neck was broken. I was literally screaming in horror and panicking. But instead of sending me to a real hospital where I could get medical support, I ended up in a psych ward. And it it just makes no sense. And then you see who's pulling the strings. It just happens to be the malignant narcissist in my life who tried to ruin my life, tried to turn everybody against me secretly, sexually abused me, but nobody knew. And then when I start remembering some of that trauma during a major health crisis, suddenly this person rings my doctor and I end up in psych. I mean, that sounds like a Britney Spears type of situation, you know, where her father controlled her whole life for a long time. Because that's how much control and power these people have. I was also thinking about reactive abuse, you know, how narcissists will literally poke at your wounds and they will plant these little bombs in you. So over the years, they will say certain things, certain phrases, or they will smirk at you a certain way, or they will eye roll a certain way, because they know that it triggers you. And then they will wait for the right moment to push that little trigger in you when you're in front of everybody, and then you lash out at them in front of everyone, and then they'll be like, See, I told you that she's crazy. I told you that she's unstable. I told you that there's something not right with this person. When reality is behind the scenes, they are abusing you and they are pushing every button and they've been doing it for a long time, to the point that you're in emergency mode, and then at the right time, when they can publicly humiliate you, they will push that trigger. And then you end up looking like the crazy one. That's what narcissists do. Many narcissistic people are obsessed with their appearance. Not intimacy, not accountability, not real love. They don't care about those things. They care about appearances. So some narcissists get all their supply through domination, some through seduction, some through intimidation, and some, especially communal narcissists, get their supply through looking like the most caring person in the room. I had another narcissist in my life who would be the first person to turn off if her friend's husband had an affair, or if her other friend broke her foot, or if my cousin hurt her back, she'd be the first person there to take care of them and to look like everybody's favorite person, everybody's favorite auntie, but she wasn't there for her own children. Her own daughter grew up neglected and abused as she turned a blind eye, emotionally starved. This person would run around taking care of everybody's needs all the time, and would be the first person to show up at a funeral, would make food, would would do all the things, and would bend over backwards, go out of her way, but again, neglect her own family. They're the first to bring flowers, the first to show up when somebody dies, the first one posting inspirational Bible verses every day, the first one crying publicly, the first one serving at the church, the first one helping strangers or saving lost puppies, but their own family is literally starving emotionally at home. Their own children are walking on eggshells, their spouse feels invisible, their home is full of fear, confusion, criticism, emotional neglect, or manipulation. And outsiders don't see that. Narcissists understand that public image is power. And society literally rewards performance, not authenticity. You see it on social media as well. You see these really performative Christians who have so many followers and everybody is watching them, but it's all a show, it's all an act. Their fate becomes a performance. Look at how holy I am, look at how moralistic I am, look how pure I am, look how I waited until marriage, and everything in their content becomes about that. They're literally putting themselves above you, they're superior to you because they're the only ones doing it all right. And they're rewarded for this toxic behavior because it is toxic. It's like, oh, look at me, I'm so pure, and you're not. And this is how an idealized version of Christianity should be, when in reality, life is a lot messier than that. And most of us know this. We know that life is not that shiny or that easy. Let's talk a little bit more about why the victim ends up looking crazy. And it's because the narcissist provokes, they invalidate, gaslight, manipulate, they twist reality, they stonewall, they mock your emotions, they push you to the edge over and over again. And then one day you suddenly just explode in front of everybody. You cry, you scream, you react, you break down, and everybody sees you now as the unstable one. This is what people call reactive abuse. And sometimes they'll be there with their camera trying to record when their partner becomes unstable, but they're the ones pushing them and smirking behind the camera and goading them and making it so much worse. People love to judge the explosion, they love to gossip, they get a big kick out of it, but they ignore the psychological warfare that caused it to begin with. Narcissists are very skilled at provoking reactions privately while performing innocently in public. And then they will come to you and they will say, Oh, I'm just really concerned because this person has been acting a bit strange for a while, and their behavior seems a bit unusual, and maybe they're bipolar, maybe there's something wrong when reality, there's nothing wrong with them. They're just being abused, and they need support and care and love, and they need somebody to recognize that they're in an abusive relationship or an abusive environment, and they need to be pulled out of it so that they can heal because they're going to be thinking, maybe I'm the crazy one, maybe I am too emotional, maybe I am the abusive one. Am I the narcissist? Is there something wrong with me? No. You're just traumatized, you're dysregulated, you're emotionally exhausted. You've been walking on eggshells for years, and that does not make you the abuser. There's many different masks of narcissism. They don't all look the same. Some are loud, some are quiet, some are very charming, some are very spiritual, some are successful, some are victims. There's the grandiose narcissist, the person wants power, attention, admiration, and control. Donald Trump. They walk into rooms and they act really superior. They dominate conversations. They need to win all the time. They need to be the most important person in the room. Society often rewards this behavior. Aggression gets called confidence. Arrogance gets called leadership. Manipulation gets called charisma. Genocide gets called political. Sometimes people build entire careers off narcissistic traits because culture idolizes image, dominance, attention, money, fame, and ego. And then we have the covert narcissist. This one hides behind victimhood. Poor me. Nobody appreciates me. Everybody hurts me. Nobody understands me. I'm the only one who does everything. They weaponize guilt, self-pity, passive aggression, martyrdom. They're exhausting, honestly. Like, think think draining. Think the atmosphere is so heavy that I need a nap. That's how you feel around these people. Or that's how I feel around these people. They don't always look arrogant on the surface. Sometimes they look fragile. But the manipulation is still there. The covert narcissist is often the one that is very enmeshed with their children and they get all their supply. They make their child their surrogate spouse, and it's just really creepy and weird. Then we have the communal narcissist, and this is the one that confuses people the most because they look generous, they look compassionate, they look selfless, but often their kindness is very performative. It's about admiration, recognition, reputation, being seen as the good one. And these people may help everybody outside the home while emotionally neglecting the people closest to them. And the child grows up deeply confused. How can everybody think they're so amazing when I feel so unseen? And the confusion creates very deep trauma because this child starts to feel like a burden, they start to feel like they're not good enough, they're not worthy, there's something wrong with them because they see their parents showing up for everybody else but them. It's literally like an extra punch in the gut because it just validates that there must be something wrong with me. Because they see their parents being so good to everyone around them, but they're neglected or they're unseen, they're overlooked, they're invisible, they don't feel chosen. The Bible actually warns us about people who perform righteousness publicly while their hearts are far away from God. Jesus spoke really strongly about hypocrisy. Matthew 6.1, be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. That line is very powerful, to be seen. It's not because they genuinely love or care. It's because they want admiration. They want praise. They want people to validate them. It's all about their ego and their pride. And look at what Jesus said in Matthew 23 27. Woe to you, you are like whitewashed tombs which look beautiful on the outside, but on the inside are full of dead bones. This is exactly what victims experience. The outside image looks so beautiful, but the inside reality is devastating. Another important scripture, 1 Samuel 16 7, man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. People are easily manipulated by appearances sometimes, but God is not. God sees what happens behind closed doors. He sees the tears that nobody else sees, and he sees the manipulation that nobody else understands. God sees the child that felt emotionally abandoned while the parent was busy performing goodness for applause. And there's actually just something twisted and sinister about it. I watched Tangled again yesterday. Tangled is one of my favorite Disney films. I just love it. I really resonate with this child who grew up with this covert abuser who, on one hand, is really nice, it seems, but gaslighting her constantly and confusing her and manipulating her and lying. I just love that whole story. It really resonates with me. And whenever I'm feeling tired or depressed or drained, or I just need a pick-me-up, I just go to bed early with a load of snacks and a cup of tea and I watch Tangled. One of the most painful parts of narcissistic abuse is not just the abuse itself, but it's the fact that people don't believe you. Because the narcissist has spent years building their character, a public persona, a mask that they wear. And by the time you finally speak up, you already look emotionally exhausted. You look triggered, angry, reactive, and broken or crazy because they've convinced people that you are. And people trust presentation over patterns. That's why so many victims feel isolated, because abuse that leaves no bruises is incredibly hard to explain, especially spiritual abuse or especially emotional abuse, because covert manipulation that really messes with your mind and your emotions, you can end up feeling paralyzed by the emotional flooding, the anxiety, the fear, the stress responses, the trauma responses, the overwhelm. Over time it can make you sick. But because you don't have visible bruises, people underestimate the effects of it. But you do not have to stay trapped in confusion forever because healing is possible. You can heal the trauma, you can heal the nervous system and the dysregulation, you can rebuild your identity. As somebody who survived years of narcissistic abuse, I had no idea who I was. And I had to go through a process of deprogramming, healing, healing the inner child, reparenting, and ultimately becoming who I am today. And now my identity solely lies in Christ. I I place my identity in him. And that's all I really know about myself at this point. Because anything more than that starts to feel overwhelming when I try to place my identity in anything else. Because everything else is shallow and everything else can fracture and break and fall apart. When you go through this type of abuse, you know that. You know that nothing is certain, nothing is secure. Your foundation is rocky. Your parents can pull the rug from under you. People leave, people get manipulated against you, people turn their back on you. The triangulation that you have experienced has literally left you so destabilized and broken and confused. So putting your identity in anything in this world feels uncertain, unstable, unsafe, scary. So we can no longer put our identity in our career, in our image, in how much we earn, in what we do for others, because that is so fragile. It can all be taken away. Even the church community that you think is safe, they can sometimes be just as covert and abusive, if not more, if you're in the wrong type of church environment. And when you leave an environment like that, nobody even reaches out. Nobody contacts you because they all follow this unwritten rule and these codes of conduct. If somebody leaves, they're not one of us anymore. So we don't even ask, are they okay? I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if I walked past my pastor's wife on the street and she just ignored me. That would not surprise me at all. Because in some of these covert environments, that's how they're programmed. And they feel like they're being disloyal if they break outside of that box in any way, shape, or form. Even those environments are uncertain and unsafe. And when you've been through abuse, you understand that. So that's why putting your identity in Christ, he's the only thing that is certain. He's the only thing that is not going to abandon you. He's the only one that we can truly trust. He's gonna stay no matter what. And rebuilding your identity, reconnecting with your voice, stop apologizing for existing, and you stop needing everybody else to validate what happened to you because the validation comes from in here as we reparent ourselves and we heal these parts of ourselves that were hurt. Sometimes closure is realizing that God saw it, even if people didn't. And healing is no longer spending your entire life trying to prove your pain to people that are committed to misunderstanding you. Because sometimes the people around the narcissist, they get supply as well from being in that environment. They like the toxicity, they like the control, they like the gossip, they like the toxic environment, and they like having a scapegoat. They like having somebody to take all the brunt of all the problems. So even four years after leaving my family system, I wouldn't be surprised if I still got the blame for everything that happens there now. Because that's the narrative, and that's the narrative that has been ongoing for 30 years. So why would it change now? They're probably like, oh, that one, it's all her fault, you know, and that's fine. I'm not there anymore. I don't care anymore. So let me know below. Have you experienced this? Have you dealt with somebody who looked amazing publicly but treated you completely differently privately? And if you are healing from narcissistic abuse, emotional trauma, spiritual abuse, rejection, abandonment, or nervous system dysregulation, I have a whole library of healing prayers and healing videos here on this channel. I genuinely believe Jesus can heal the brokenhearted. I genuinely believe God can restore your identity after years of manipulation. So make sure you subscribe and check out the healing videos and share this episode with somebody who needs this validation today. If this ministry is helping you in your healing journey and you'd like to support the work we're doing here at Red Hot True Ministry, you can find the donation link and all my resources in the description below. Thank you so much for being here and for supporting this mission. People may only see the mask, but God sees the heart and eventually truth always exposes what performance tried to hide. So I'll see you guys in the next episode. I love you lots. Bye. Remember to stay close to Jesus because freedom is yours.