Episode #18 - Mithali Shetty

Mithali brings authenticity to the forefront in this Chavadi chat with Siddhant & Lalitha, invoking nostalgic childhood memories and the intentional choices that have helped her emulate the strong, independent women with quiet authority, who have been a part of her life.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

And then you hear Sidan. I said I then you'll hear Sidan's voice becoming more clear and less like started.

SPEAKER_00 0:15

So today we have Metallica Shetty. She's been in Houston for 20 plus years, married to Anil Shetty, and they have a daughter named Nia, who's a junior in high school. And they also have two other babies that Metalliaka didn't want me to not mention, Casper and Chewie. And yeah, welcome to the podcast, Metalliaka. Thanks so much for joining us.

SPEAKER_01 0:38

Hey guys, how are you both doing? We're doing well. Thanks so much, Metalli, for being here. Excited, looking forward to hearing your life's journey.

SPEAKER_00 0:49

Yeah, let's get started. So let's start out with the genesis of Metalliaka, right? So with your childhood. I know you mentioned moving around a lot growing up. Your dad was in banking. So tell us how that sort of affected you. Did that make you um you moved around a lot, so maybe more fluent with cultures and things like that? Give us more of that um that impact for yourself.

SPEAKER_03 1:16

So yeah, so we are um we were a nuclear family, um, you know, moving around, uh growing up, you know, two kids. Uh we we started off. I was I was born in Assam, and from there we we moved to to Mulki. I did my initial schooling years there. I remember having some really cool cool friendships there, being very close to Doddaja right there was was really that's your grandmom and grandfather, right? Yes. So that um that's always very, very sweet to have them around and have those memories and and you know cousins meeting every every summer. So so definitely, right? I mean, every every few years we had to we had to move around. So um, so that was that was the the genesis of you know how how we we grew up. So and and making new new friends and you know learning about new places. India, though it is one country, moving from one place to other, it it's just different in different in culture. So that was that was the beauty of it.

SPEAKER_00 2:32

Yeah, absolutely. The cool thing about India is that almost every corner of the country, it's almost like you're going to a new country, right? It's new cultures, new language, things like that. Um and I know you mentioned going to Mangalur a lot as a vacation to spend time with your grandparents. What are some things that you did with them or some of your other cousins? Um, because I know a lot of people have mentioned that their vacations to Mangal are the times that they get they sort of get free autonomy over their uh their grandparents are spoiling them, right?

SPEAKER_03 2:59

So, what was your experience like well that's a that's a great question. It's really nostalgic, right? So um those trips were were very different from our regular life. There was a sense of sense of freedom that we didn't really have otherwise. I just remember being outside most of the day, running around with like cousins, no real structure, no schedules, just being in the in the open with like mango trees and you know, picking mangoes and you know, eating them right there. Um chickens running around, and you know, uh this was actually a thing. We would take the chicken from the backyard or you know, the the farm, whatever you would call it. Uh, and that would be the meal for for us. I I remember one of the the summers, one of my cousins really got so sad that that chicken who he had connected with, that was being the meal for the for the days. So he didn't he didn't have his meal that day. So so I think um what stood out was that mix of freedom and that grounding, right? You were free, but you were also surrounded by very strong sense of your close family and you know belonging. Looking back, I think that's where I learned how important that balance is, giving kids space, but also making sure that they feel rooted in in their cells. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:37

Absolutely. And what was your relationship with your grandparents? Was it were they did they coddle you? Were they pretty strict? How did that look like? Or a bit of bird.

SPEAKER_03 4:47

I don't see no, I'm I'm I'm trying to think, right? I don't know. Like our grandparents, they they had a very sense of um, there was no hugging and you know, extra uh it that was not uh that was not there. You just knew that there was so much love, and and love came from whether it was my my grandma grinding using that, what do you call that, Aka? The the grinding stone, the kadepi colour. Ah, khadepi colour, and you know, making making chakni in that and you know making making salah in that, us being around that, sitting, sitting on the floor when she was doing that. We had an actual uh your your podcast is called what is that? We had a charity where we would sit there and we would wait for the meals to come out, but it was all very simple, but looking back, it was all very intentional, right? It was uh that was being made for the family to have the meal together, and the rest of the day was just us being outside with with cousins, no devices, no structure, just just figuring out things on our own. Our Aja would go out in the morning, he would go to so-called downtown of Jarkala, right? Which they would call us Jeddur. That was the that was the name. So he would go out, get get fish, fresh fish, and and he would walk back. That was probably a track like the one that I did this morning, but he would go out, go with uh go with a couple of people, get everything that was needed for for the afternoon or the dinner. Uh it was fresh fish. You would you'd make it right there, and and that's it. So that those those memories and you know, waiting for him to come back, sometimes us joining him on his on his walk to to get this from the fish market. So it so it was all those.

SPEAKER_01 6:48

And the way you say it, it's all so nostalgic. And I think so many of us, even though I'm probably a few uh decade uh or not probably definitely a decade or so ahead of you, it was similar, you know, and like you said, the they weren't they weren't uh over like uh you didn't see that, but you knew their love for you was so strong.

SPEAKER_03 7:09

Yeah, yeah. There was there was no I love you, you know? There was there was nothing like that, and there was no how we now say that so many times in that day, right? And yeah, we have so much hug, so much physical, that was that was not there. That was not it, it was just understood, and it came from all these the smells in the kitchen, the you know, the way of sitting in the chavdi, just you know, being there. If if it's if it's hot, hey, hey, come here, I have something here. Can you scratch my back, right? Yeah, things like that. That's that was the that was how how love was shown, I feel, yeah, you know, back in the day, which is beautiful, and we all understood it. So we didn't that it was uh it was the language of love, exactly, exactly, and uh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:04

So yeah, and Natali, knowing that, listening to all these stories about going for your vacations, a lot of guests have talked about how, especially when they've had to travel all over India, that was a lot of the time when they were exposed a lot more to what they equate to Bund culture and bunt traditions. What about for you? Is there something that equates to Bunt, to being Band for you? And like we try to like we've to uh tell our listeners that the Bunds are a community from South Canada, coastal Karnataka, or you know, down uh in South India. Um is there something that equates to bunt for you?

SPEAKER_03 8:47

The straight uh the the one thing that comes is the food. But for me, most importantly, what really equates to bunt is our uh the strong independent woman, right? The the quiet authority that they show in in everyday life. Um whether it's my my grandma or my mom who uh you know they they showed this in their day-to-day life without having any authority, they didn't have the titles, the the roles of you know CEOs or anything like that, but they were in their own right. They they were so um they they did it all so beautifully. They weren't loud about it, but they were incredibly strong. They held us together, all of our families together, the extended families together, made decisions and carried a lot of responsibility without needing that recognition that we talked about, right? So there's there was no no need for that. And I think that shaped me more than I realized at that time. So so thinking back, if uh it taught me that strength doesn't always have to be visible or loud to be effective, which I feel like till to this day I carry on in my work, where I see uh it's it's a very male-dominated industry, and to be a brown woman in in the conference rooms, where you know, you just derive from that strength that our ancestors have always had very quietly, very nicely, very beautifully, with so much grace that I really feel that equates to Bund to me.

SPEAKER_01 10:39

To you. And before we move on talking about your other the rest of your life, do you feel you see that in other women around you? Because I know what you saw in your grandparents, your parents, your mom, aunts possibly, that you feel that you have imbibed some of that. Do you see that strength, that quiet strength in other bunt women around you? Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 11:02

Absolutely. I mean, uh, I mean, around me here in Houston, right? Uh majority of my interactions are outside of work, are with are with you know, bunt women, and they're different flavors, every one of them have strength, so much quiet strength, you would say. It's not loud, it's not not very dramatic, but everybody is so strong in their own right, whatever they're doing, um, you know, outside of their house or inside, right? So they they hold it all together, they hold the whole community together, and it's it's really beautiful to to see and experience that along with that. So that I'm I'm grateful for that, to to have that around me for sure.

SPEAKER_00 11:51

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And I think throughout the process, just seeing our parents, our grandparents like that through osmosis, you've obviously absorbed a lot of that quiet authority too, right? So I'm sure Nia is looking at you the same way that you look at your mom and your grandmom and everything, right? So it's it's sort of passed down through generations, which is a cool thing. Um so learning more a little bit about your background, right? So we have this uh archetype of your grandparents, we have an archetype of the woman that surrounded you. Give us some sort of skeletal about uh your parents, right? You're and we we know that your dad was a banker, he moved around a lot. Um give us more about how their personalities were like at home, um, in the community, things like that. So we have a mental picture.

SPEAKER_03 12:37

My dad uh is still a very, very practical uh you know gentleman, right? So he's he's very to the point, does things uh very uh very quietly again. So he's he's not loud about everything you know what he does. He's he's very very soft. So he would give us that one uh the guidance very nicely, where he uh he didn't have to say it a few times, he would say it once and we got it. So same uh uh while my mom on the other side was who who did everything it you know outside of the guidance and you know ensured that we had we had everything that we needed. And then once he he started traveling, she had to take on that role for during the work week as a single parent, pretty much, taking care of every I didn't realize that until now when you had to think about it, right? Okay, she actually did that as a single parent when he was not there. So you don't really put stop to it until you have to look back and see what was what was done and how that appreciation really grows from there when you're um looking at it from this angle and you know speaking to you all about that uh that time in my yeah in my life.

SPEAKER_01 14:03

So in that moment you take it for granted. Like that's just how life is.

SPEAKER_03 14:08

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:10

Yeah, why was there the need? Sorry, Siddhan. So why was there a need for her to be the one to take on that role? Like what was the I know you mentioned it. Right.

SPEAKER_03 14:22

We decided so I I think as a as a family, uh it was decided that if we moved so often with with dad, that would change that would disrupt our education. So that would mean that we would have to move to Andhra Pradesh and learn a different language there, and then again move to a different state and get a different language. So they decided at that point now uh the kids are reaching, you know, a stage where education is going to be really important. So we need to make sure that they don't have to learn so many different different languages. Let's just make sure that they their education is uh straight, and that is the most important part. So they did they did they had to make that kind of sacrifice for us to have a smooth life, you know? So um that is that's really appreciated. Otherwise, it it would have been easy for them to say it, it's it's going to be easy for us to go together, go here, and you know, they'll they'll pick it up. And it's yeah. So but that that sacrifice is really something that I I appreciate till this day, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:32

Yeah, absolutely. And I think you you mentioned that your parents were pretty liberal. Uh the ethos of the household was to be like it was instead, like it focused on education, it was just you you just knew it sort of thing. Yeah. Um and then I guess tell us more about you you self-describe yourself as a nerdy kid, right? Um, so did you always sort of gravitate towards like the books, or I don't know, I feel like you're a very like fun person. So the the images are not like mentally fitting in my mind as you as a kid. And I definitely know Shubadaka pretty much.

SPEAKER_02 16:03

You can be fun. You can be nerdy and you can be fun, right?

SPEAKER_03 16:08

So no, that's that's that's what me also says now, right? Because now the person that I have eventually become was not the person that I was growing up. I was I was always I always had my nose in a book. I did not do uh many fun things, I was not very adventurous. I it was just I don't know, that's who I was. I was just, you know, that was the focus, maybe unspoken, that you know, you you had to do well. At some point, there was always like, oh, there's so much being done for my education. I need to make sure that that's that's taken care of in that way. Yeah, that that is that priority. So I think nerdy is probably accurate, but not in a one-dimensional way, right? I did gravitate towards academics, uh, but that was just the environment that I I grew up in. Education wasn't really optional, it was expected, right? Being uh doing doing well in your in your grades, it was just not optional. It was just expected that you know it was gonna happen. Yeah, it was gonna happen. You're going to be in the the top of the class. So that was something that, but at the same time, I don't think like, you know, yeah, just sitting with books was there all the time. There was also like, you know, simple moments playing with your neighbors and you know, doing all that. So so I'd say foundation was always discipline and and and focus, but personality-wise, yeah, I've I've evolved from there.

SPEAKER_00 17:53

Uh no, I think I don't think anybody would disagree with you. But uh, I would be remiss to not to not mention another character, which is uh Shubadaka, who lives in Austin, who's your younger sister. Um, how was your relationship with her growing up? Uh, was it like the nagging younger sister, or are you the the cool older sister? How did that look like?

SPEAKER_01 18:14

Look at this cool older brother trying to Yeah, I'm fairly biased. Yes, because I'm the younger one, so I've had to stand up for the younger sisters of the world. We're not nagging Susan.

SPEAKER_03 18:27

No, that's so you know, as with any sibling relationship, right? Um, because we had a three and a half years age difference, so she would always be there when when I would have my friends around, you know, she would be there. I would take her. I I still remember for my 16th birthday. Mom was like, no, she should also come for your 16th birthday outing.

SPEAKER_02 18:50

So she was there. We still have have our pictures. My my friends share my you know, birthday pictures. Hey, look at this. And there's my sister cutely sitting there. So, you know, she was always always there.

SPEAKER_03 19:04

You know, she was she was part of our the friends that I had, you know, growing up, it was just together. Everything that we did was together. Um, then there was a point where you know I became the teacher of for to her, tutoring, uh, you know, things like that, and there were a lot of fights, lots and lots of fights at that point. So that's when I decided this is not for me.

SPEAKER_02 19:28

I you need to you need to do your stuff yourself, and you know, I'm gonna remove myself from this role.

SPEAKER_01 19:36

But you all were close and asked. Yes, yes, very true.

SPEAKER_00 19:41

Awesome. So, fast forwarding a little bit, so eventually you end up in mice where you uh you majored in industrial engineering, and then you decide to uh pursue higher education in America. Was that always was that like an assumption also sort of like how education was a priority? Uh, or did you always know that you wanted to go to America?

SPEAKER_03 20:03

I didn't know that I wanted to go go to America. I didn't know what I would be doing after engineering, right? So it was um, it just came across when a few of our friends we were we were just thinking what to do. So there was one was the campus campus job, you would apply to the campus job. And as a backup, a few of my friends were giving GRE. I I didn't know what GRE was. So we didn't know. So we had to, we all had to learn. I had to come and tell my parents this is what it is. I'm I'm going to give it a shot. And they were they were very open. They said, yeah, sure, of course. Um I I happened to give the give the test, did, did really well, and and then started the process of, you know, what is what is America? What does it look like? What how how does the process work? So from scratch, you know, learning what universities out are are out there. So we used to have these the college boards back then uh where the students would um ask, start asking questions um about certain certain degrees, who's applying, what is going on, and and then you know, have have a little group in there so you so you learn more about the universities. So that's how we all learned about what's going on, what is it that um that we we need to do. So we just applied uh for a few universities, and Texas AM happened to be my my choice of university, and then um that's how I I picked the university and I I came here.

SPEAKER_00 21:41

And just to add some context, you're like you're the first person in your family to move abroad to the States, right? So this was truly like a the process was sort of like a black box that you had to discover through, I guess, a lot of courage and also support through your family.

SPEAKER_03 21:55

Yes, it it was coming to think of it now. Uh That I I have my own child, and you know, uh, it it it must have taken a lot of courage from my parents to to say yes to this. They didn't show anything to me that they were scared or anything. They they were always supportive, always there saying that you can do this, you know. I I of course didn't have didn't know what I was doing. I I thought I was just, you know, going to university. An adventure. And an adventure, getting on a getting on a flight. Until then, we had I had not traveled abroad. That was the first time I was getting on a flight with two of my friends, and um all three of us were going to different universities. Uh, I was coming to Texas, one was going to Ohio, and the other one was going going to you know, NC, North Carolina. So we had a flight till Chicago, then we split. So in Chicago, I my bags didn't come. I had I had two bags. And and then I had a small um you know, small purse with my the first semester fees. Uh that that was all that I had come with. So that that that was payment.

SPEAKER_00 23:21

Yeah, payment.

SPEAKER_03 23:22

The payment, yeah. Yeah, the the payment for the first semester fee and my clothes and everything. That that's all I had in my thing. I was like, oh my god, this is gonna be interesting. And I took uh I had I had to go. I you know, I had to take my next flight to Houston, right? I I came to Houston. Then the most interesting part was getting from Houston to college station. I know none of us have have done this because we all drive from Houston to college station, right? I didn't have anybody. So I had we had booked a flight from Houston to college station. It was one of these really small, tiny planes. I was the only brown girl on the on that plane. Everybody else looked so different. I had tears. I had tears in my eyes because I didn't have my bags. And and people were, you know, they were they were there and they were all looking at me like, who's this girl? What is she doing here? And yeah, I looked so out of place to be there in that flight. So it was uh it was quite an interesting, um, interesting journey, that that particular piece, that particular leg of journey, right? And I didn't know where I was going. And it was uh great to be received from Indian Association in in AM. They they came, picked me up, and and my bag came. Bags came two days later. So it's all fine.

SPEAKER_01 24:53

Um at least for the most part.

SPEAKER_03 24:57

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:59

Taking your little uh back a little bit, uh Mitali, you did say that you chose industrial engineering, and that to me, like was not a back in the day, was not an in, and you were not my day, and like you're a decade or more younger than me, but still industrial engineering and a woman's job somehow don't gel. What made you choose industrial engineering? And then, of course, it brought you all the way here to the boardrooms here. So, talk a little bit about that journey in AM, getting a job here, a woman in a male-dominated uh field.

SPEAKER_03 25:38

To be perfectly candid, industrial engineering was not my first choice, it was uh it was something that I got because of uh how I placed in my uh my entrance exams. So I wanted to be close to home to do to do engineering. So I I I chose I chose what this was the best on the thing that you know I could get for that school. This was the feel that I could get. So I had no regrets, you know. So uh at that time it felt like a practical choice, something that combined problem solving with real-world application, right? Once I got into it.

SPEAKER_01 26:19

When you put it like that, it's perfect for the female mind, right?

SPEAKER_03 26:23

Yes, yes. I mean, that's how we think. That's how we uh so once I got into it, I realized very quickly that I was, you know, there were only a handful of girls doing this. And until till date, I know that there's only a few women in the room doing doing what we do. And and early on, you you do you do notice it. But what helped me though was that uh I was never trying to to fit a certain mode. I was very, very flexible. So, you know, I focused on understanding the work, uh, you know, kind of being prepared and being consistent. Over time, of course, that's what builds credibility, right? So for me, it wasn't about trying to stand out as a woman in the field, it was about being being effective in the role that I am, or you know, letting that define how I was perceived than my gender or my you know or my colour. So it's that's yeah. So though it's a very male-dominated space, the work often speaks for itself. So if you're clear on your outcomes and and you deliver, people start to listen. That's what I've learned in my 20 plus years.

SPEAKER_01 27:46

20 plus years, and again, going back just a little bit, uh, we talked in our pre-conversation before we started recording. Uh, you were saying something like, as you were finishing your uh degree in Mysore, uh, conversations began between your mom and your aunt about okay, who should we find? We need to find a boy for her, we need to get her married. Uh, but you that was not in your mind space, like you weren't listening to that. So, what was what's your what are your thoughts on romance and how you know how did yours begin with Anil and then the marriage, all of that? Tell us some interesting fun facts and stories. You can embellish a little bit.

SPEAKER_03 28:30

Oh no, I I I don't need to embellish because it is all very embellished when it comes to Anil. He's he's very romantic, so you know he's the one who is uh the you know brings in the romance in our relationship. So um I'm really lucky that I uh that I got to meet him. So so it so happened I was, of course, like I mentioned, right? I was always driven in. So uh we met at at AM. So we just got to talking. His my roommate at that point was was in the same field as as him. Both of them were doctors, so they were taking similar courses and stuff like that. So we got to got to meet meet often, and we were uh, you know, that's when the dating started, and it so happened that you know we we could uh we both landed up in Houston, and we have been able to work that into our careers really well and and you know make sure that that we stay together. Uh from um what was your other question? I kind of lost thought.

SPEAKER_01 29:41

Yeah, just the fact from moving from my so to here, uh, your pair, your mom, they were okay then that okay, she's not ready yet to get married, she's gonna go further studies. Uh, how long you know did you all date an AM?

SPEAKER_03 29:55

What was the ah yes, yes, about the the conversation? See, see when you brought up Andil, I just went into that.

SPEAKER_01 30:02

See, you went into that 20 plus years of being married, how long have you been married?

SPEAKER_02 30:11

Being married for 20 years now, yes.

SPEAKER_03 30:14

Yes, yes, yes, those those conversations definitely were happening in the background, right? My mom and I were starting to think about it, but but honestly, I wasn't in that headspace at all. So I was focused and I was so grateful that my parents were okay with it. They didn't they didn't push it to me. And and and you know, frankly, if they had, it would have gone a different route, right? If they could have easily said you need to get married before you go to a different country, or you know, things like that. But they never did. They never uh they never even bought out that as an option. So they allowed me to do that, to to do what what I could do. They they were just there to support me, right? And and of course, if this didn't work out, the fallback option could maybe would have been an arranged marriage, which you know, but but they never really pushed to make that as the first thing that you need to do to be safe, um which is which is incredibly courageous of them. In uh I'm I'm really grateful, and it's something again. I I keep thinking if I was there at that point, would I have done the same? Uh oh, I don't know. I don't know what that answer would be today, right? So it's so it's really good.

SPEAKER_01 31:43

So yeah. So I'm guessing then you told them almost immediately, but like whenever you were dating, like nothing was uh secret until no, nothing was a secret.

SPEAKER_03 31:54

I I when we started dating, I had I had told them that you know I'm I'm seeing a boy. Their their first question was, is he an Indian?

SPEAKER_02 32:04

So you know, then they came, they were so happy to know that he was a bunt, right? That was so good.

SPEAKER_03 32:14

That was something that they had never expected that I would uh I would say. So it was uh yeah, it was really uh really cool that it worked out that way.

SPEAKER_00 32:25

Yeah, you describe an elonco as a romantic, so you gotta give us some sort of anecdote or something that made especially if you're focused on your career right now, uh, or like back in AM, there's must be something that he did that caught your eye, right? So feel feel free after 20 years to embarrass a Nilonko on the podcast.

SPEAKER_01 32:41

I mean, some tips.

SPEAKER_00 32:44

Yeah, I'll take some tips too.

SPEAKER_03 32:47

You know, uh you you went to AM, so there were these uh the the choir um groups. So so one morning in my apartment, uh I I hear a knock. So so I opened the door. There are like six to eight kids outside uh singing to me. Uh I I still don't remember what song that was. They they had a whole five-minute, you know, I was so shocked. What is going on? My name is there, you know, they're they're saying my name and everything. I was and and this was an ill. He had sent them on Valentine's Day to sing for me.

SPEAKER_02 33:30

Uh so there was a you know, bouquet of flowers and everything, and I was like, I was so embarrassed, so embarrassed.

SPEAKER_04 33:40

So cute though. What a good story.

SPEAKER_02 33:42

It is cute, but it was I was so shocked. I was like, oh my god, I'm in my pajamas and I'm opening my doorbook and what is happening? What is happening?

SPEAKER_00 33:51

Yeah, so it's so yeah, that's a great great anecdote. Thanks for sharing. So yeah. Yeah, so moving on to I guess the the best product of your marriage, if I may say so myself, is Nia, right? Uh, we gotta give her some props. Um, so yeah, Nia's a great kid. I met her, she's very like I think you mentioned you were an avid reader when you were younger, also. So I think she's an also a very avid reader. Um and a poet. And a poet, I'm sure a lot of things that I may be missing out on. Um but yeah, tell us more about your perspective on parenting now and sort of taking some of the traits and values that your parents have imbibed in you, but also like their style of parenting may not be your style of parenting, right? So just sort of merging those two influences, especially in your country. So tell us more about that.

SPEAKER_03 34:45

Yeah, I mean, Nia is a great kid. Uh she is she's amazing. So uh, and she makes really parenting easy, right? But definitely the the parenting style, if you would, if I have to think back, it has come from my mom and dad. So that's some uh it's it's definitely a balance. Like what I've seen growing up, what Anil has seen growing up. So I think um the values that both of us grew up with were very strong, things like discipline, respect, and a sense of responsibility. Um they were never really explained to us, uh they were just expected. So I've I've kind of kept that too. I uh we don't say it out loud that this is what needs to be done. It's just what you see is what you do, kind of a thing. And you know, it's it's just like more about who you surround yourselves with. I still believe those are important foundations. So um what I may have ch what you know we may have changed is the way we communicate those expectations because of the different country that we are in, right? So growing up, uh everything around us in India was done a certain way. It was all the same. It some things didn't need to be said out loud. Over here, the uh Kitsy, you know, Siddhartha, like you know, it's different for you for y'all growing up going outside this door versus coming inside the door, right? There is a stark difference that you see. My home is not like how it is outside for majority of my friends. So that uh to to make that that transition easier for my child to you know go to to blend in, that's something that intentionally we try to make that make that transition easier. So intentionally explaining about the why and giving space for questions. When and and there are a lot of those questions, I'm sure you've you've had that too. Like, why is some of these things done the way it is? Without having, without pushing that this is the I because I say so. That's that's not the way that you know. So so raising a child here, there's a lot more exposure and a lot more influence. So I think it's important that the values are understood, not just blindly followed, right? So for me, parenting is really about the balance and keeping the structure, but definitely adding a lot more openness and us being open to that. Something because there's not everything that we know, we are learning every day. And like, for example, today's prom I said, right? So that's something that we've we've not done growing up. We we didn't know. So we've we've had to be open, we've had to learn, learn what it is, how things are done, and and just to make sure that the kid doesn't feel any different. So uh just to be so open that you know, yeah, we that this is a choice that we made to to to come here, not really the kid's choice. So there's no so they are as American as they are Indians and whites, so that that is definitely something that you know we recognize. And yeah, um so far, yeah, I see that she's an independent, expressive, and curious girl um who has a strong sense of discipline and and loves her Koriroti. So what more can I ask for?

SPEAKER_00 38:35

She's pulling the right elements of out of both cultures, which is great.

SPEAKER_04 38:39

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 38:40

But I'm also curious because I think that's something that I always think about also, because you mentioned when you were in Mangalore, how you used to sort of run around, you can like climb mango trees. There's like sort of this freedom, right? And I feel like now in the generation that we're growing up, there's a lot more like like all these parents have these kids' locations, right? Essentially, like there's a lot more, it's like the Panopticon model where the parents can always perceive where the kid is. How do you balance sort of that that freedom and that self-independence with also just making sure that your kid is you have some sort of like connection with them if that makes sense? Um I think it's something in India that you really get you can sort of you can sort of like grow up a little bit without having some oversight and some some freedom. Um I think in America it's a little bit more limited.

SPEAKER_03 39:30

It's so different now, right? And we have to recognize that the times are different, it's just not how it was 20, 25 years ago. So growing up, we had a lot more physical freedom, and there wasn't constant visibility into um where you were, what you were doing. Today, with technology, like you mentioned, said like you can track everything. And like I she can track me too. Uh it's the same, it goes both ways. So, but I don't think more visibility automatically makes better connection. So that's definitely not uh not the truth. So for me, the goal is not control, it's trust, right? So to let the I want to know, of course, I want to know where she is, like you mentioned with the location and stuff, but more importantly, I want her to make good decisions even when I'm not there. I may know her location, but I'm not making, you know, we are not making those decisions for you, right? You may be in New York now, your mom knows where you are, but the decisions are what you make. So the trust that uh we have in our kids is really something that we uh over time we build that, and we want to make uh we want to have that confidence that wherever they are, they're able to make those decisions for themselves, and we have given those tools to do that. So the focus is more on communication, understanding boundaries, and you know, building that judgment that makes sense. Ultimately, you can't monitor everything at some point, you just gotta trust, trust that you know that they will navigate um on their own. And you know, you're a great, great role model for for all these kids. I mean, I uh you the way you conduct yourself, uh it's it's amazing, right? Yeah, look at you doing this, and uh this this is very cool, this is very inspiring, and I'm uh so that's where we see we feel like kids will be fine. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 41:52

Thank you, thank you. I appreciate it. Uh I'll tell my dad that also. Um but yeah, so we're zooming out a little bit, right? So we talked about Nia, and then now focus focuses back on you. Um some of your extracurriculars outside of parenting, career. I know you recently uh performed at a Rockets game with the dance group. Uh you like hiking, running, traveling. Any other things that you've been exploring outside of being a parent, outside of being an um engineer, things like that that have caught your mind lately?

SPEAKER_03 42:25

That um I'm I'm surprised you mentioned mentioned dancing. That's something that I wanted to uh do to get myself, like you know, outside of my comfort zone. I've always uh thought that I'm not good at it. Like I don't like putting myself outside in front of uh, you know, dancing in front of a group and and whoa, this is this was an NBA half time. So I was like, okay, what better way to shake that off than going somewhere and you're doing that?

SPEAKER_01 42:59

So really out there.

SPEAKER_03 43:00

Really, really out there. Let me just do it. So it was uh yeah, that was that was uh that was definite and doing it with Nia was definitely a great experience. So that's uh maybe I wouldn't call that that was that's my extracurricular activities that I pursue. That's something that I pushed myself to to do. Yeah. So so yeah, I do like um like running, hiking, more more hiking now more than uh more than running. Um I want to make sure that I, you know, explore different trails and do that. So that's that's something part of uh my newfound newfound love. And of course, we as a family we've got.

SPEAKER_01 43:46

And your love, your uh the love you met after you came to the US has inspired this love for running and exercise.

SPEAKER_03 43:54

Exercise for sure. Anil is very, very active, and you know, we um I don't know if I mentioned this before. The the first time that we I saw a gym was in AM Rec Center, right? So you know that was my uh exposure to uh gym and everything. So that's that was that was our dates and at you know AM. We would go to gym.

SPEAKER_01 44:17

So no serenading there though.

SPEAKER_03 44:20

No, no, no serenading there.

SPEAKER_01 44:24

Yes. So you did, like you said, you've through him, you started uh the hiking that and you love to travel. I love seeing you, I travel vicariously through you since you do post some pictures of your travels and have a comment on it. I'm this person who just looks at the pictures and I'm like, wow, so cool! So uh you do love travel and you've been to a lot of places, which I'm sure kind of uh uh enhances your understanding of the world. You absorb so many things from different places, but in all of this, do you feel that bunt culture continues to influence you either on your travels, in your daily life, or you just absorb everything and make the make yourself better through that?

SPEAKER_03 45:10

No, I think being a bunt is inherent in us, right? Where uh we can go wherever, we can travel, we can we can eat all kinds of different uh different flavors, but we come back to that ganji, uh, upada, you know, kori roti, kori ajadina. There is nothing, nothing like that. But I don't think it's either or for me, like you know, one culture is more like like a foundation that we are, yeah. So it's not it's definitely not something that I consciously think about every day, but it shows up in the way that for all of us, I think, how we make our decisions, how we approach responsibility, and how we relate to people, right? So we are all uh we're so people oriented. We are uh that's in our in our culture. It's it's just in our genes, I feel. At the same time, I've learned a lot from these different different travels and my my work, different people that I've met, whether it's through, you know, so the the exposure has definitely expanded, how I think. But I wouldn't say I'm replacing one with the other. It's more about building on that ground foundation that we have as as works. So the core stays the same. Things like discipline, the quiet strength that we talked about, and the accountability that you know we we all take. It's we all of us, I feel like we we have that in us, but the way I express it may have evolved over the over time through through various experiences.

SPEAKER_00 47:03

Yeah, absolutely. And then I know right now, I mean, the past hour, right? We've done a full inventory of your life, gone from your uh childhood being uh being fun and free in Mangler right now all the way to uh working in Houston and being a mother. Um tell us more about the when you went through difficult points in your life, whether it's moving to a new country, whether it's being a woman of color in a male-dominated industry, what are some things that are that you feel like are your like your strongest qualities that you would want to pass on to Nia to the future generations that you think um are really, really important to sort of survive this cyclical life?

SPEAKER_03 47:41

That's a hard question, Fed.

SPEAKER_00 47:43

I haven't go for it. Take some time.

SPEAKER_03 47:46

Yeah, I mean, I haven't thought that far, but uh this is more of like a legacy question, right? So you know how I think every phase had its own challenges, right? Whether um I don't know, losing my mom in when I was you know early 30s, um it was completely stepping into a new country with no real roadmap or navigating spaces where I had to prove myself a little bit more than I had to otherwise. Um if I had to narrow it down, I think um it's just the discipline I would say, not not motivation. I mean, definitely not the motivation, because it's the discipline that really has you know carried me around. And that um because motivation comes and goes, but the ability to keep showing up even when things are hard, when there's so many things happening in your in your personal life, or you know, whatever it is, when things get uncertain or uncomfortable, you just have to pick up yourself and and go. So the first would be that, and second one, whatever I would pass, it is more like adaptability, being able to walk into new spaces and not to wait to feel comfortable. You know, you're never comfortable. You you you are you you just I I I keep telling every you just make it till you you you just fake it till you make it. You know, I um you just you just have to. You you have to fake it till you till you make it. And the third again is having that confidence in yourself, right? Not needing to be that that loudest voice. Over time, I've learned that. First, you know, when I was younger, I would think, you know, I need to be loud to to make my point across. Just being confident and being being clear on on what we bring to the table and standing by it. Uh yeah, so if there's anything I would want Mia or the next generation to take from that, it's that you don't have to fit a mold to succeed. You definitely don't. And and that's it's hard for sure, especially in this country, but you just need to know you who you are, be consistent in whatever you're doing and in how you show up with your authentic self. So showing up with being authentic is takes courage. Uh you know, you lose confidence over the way, but then again you you gain it. So because ultimately situations will change. But if you have that internal clarity, you can navigate anything at the time. Yeah.

unknown 50:45

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 50:46

I think authenticity is the most important thing, and uh, you have definitely embodied that um through the time I've known you and through this episode too. So to really thank you for hopping on the episode on the podcast. Uh really appreciate the time and the stories and the laughs. It's been a great time.

SPEAKER_01 51:02

Yeah, Michaeli, it really has. Wow, it was great talking with you. And like you said, the adaptability, the discipline, the authenticity, all of that. And you have lived your life like that, and I'm sure Nia has absorbed it just like you absorbed it from the other strong women. So thanks for being on the podcast and truly wish you all the best in continuing to be that strong, quiet woman, independent woman. So full of life, not the nerd anymore. Thank you for having me. You both are such an inspiration. Thank you for doing this.