Episode #23 - Laxmi Sheehan

Laxmi Sheehan brings honesty and candor to her chat with Chavadi co-hosts Siddhant and Lalitha, opening up about the many changes in her life, from moving schools in her adolescence to new jobs, marriage, and motherhood as a young adult; all with a vulnerable yet a fierce confidence and sense of pride. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:10

Hi there, or as we say in Tulu, Namaskara. Welcome to Chawdi.

SPEAKER_03 0:16

Chawdi means the meeting place. Architecturally, it is a veranda, sometimes outside a home, sometimes within, always to welcome guests, to swap stories, debate the news, and pass the time together.

SPEAKER_02 0:31

Each episode, we will bring you voices that reflect the rich tapestry of life, memories from childhood, lessons learned along the way, and the moments that stay with us forever. Some humorous, some poignant, but always special. I'm Lalita Shetty.

SPEAKER_03 0:52

And I'm Sidan Chetty. Today we invite you to our chodi. Today we have Lakshmi Shien. She is uh married to Adam, grew up in California, and they've lived in Austin for the past how long now?

SPEAKER_00 1:13

20 plus years.

SPEAKER_03 1:15

20 plus years. And they have a three-year-old, almost three-year-old son named Ryon. How are you doing today, Lakshmiaka?

SPEAKER_00 1:22

I'm doing great. Thank you so much for having me.

SPEAKER_02 1:25

Yeah, thanks, Lakshmi. Welcome. The Divakarana and Shalnyaka will be super proud of their daughter being on our podcast too, since we've had Shalnyaka and Pooja. I guess now we have to be after Diwakarana. But anyway, welcome to the podcast. Glad you're here.

SPEAKER_00 1:41

Sounds great. I wish you luck on getting dad.

SPEAKER_03 1:46

Um cool. Let's get started with your childhood first, Lakshmiaka. Um, so tell us more about, I know you grew up in the well, initially sort of you were growing up in California. Um, tell us more about the Bunt parties, gatherings. I know that sort of meant a lot to you.

SPEAKER_00 2:02

Yeah, so when we moved to the Bay Area, um, mom and dad were one of the first families. I'd say like one of the first, like 10 families in the Bay Area. Um, and so there was this very tight-knit bunt community with a blend of like some non-bunt folks. Um, and we used to get together a lot. There's so many photos of all of us playing together and things like that. And it was really special to me because I think it was some of my favorite things to do. We used to have these Bunt parties all over the Bay Area. I remember driving 45 minutes to get to somebody's house and they'd be in apartment clubhouses. And there were at least like six or seven of us that were around the same age and had siblings that were around the same age. Um, but it was my favorite thing. If I knew we were going to somebody's house or to a party, getting to play, begging our parents, like, you know, not a planned sleepover, but because we had so much fun, can I go home with them or can we stay over? Um, and it's been really, really cool because I think that's like a common thread for me, just like throughout my life of having that bun community with such a foundation of people who just got it, right? They were kids who were like us who were born here, or parents had immigrated here. And it's really come full circle for me because as an adult, I've kept up with them, you know, on social media and things like that. And in particular, I want to call out in my motherhood phase, um, my community has shown up for me again. So it two people, Amla and Leeksha, who they were part of that original crew when I was a little kid. Um, we've kept in touch over the years, you know, through text and Instagram and things like that, and had found out a couple of years ago that Leeksha was pregnant as well and due two weeks before me. And then I find out Amala is also due with a baby four weeks after me. And we have text that goes um, we when we were like fresh new moms, I think we talk daily at all hours of the night. Um, and now I feel lost if I don't talk to them. We have a thread that goes every week, we ask each other parenting questions, and it's been a safe space of like we each parent differently, but there is no judgment to whatever question you ask or what you need help with, or you just need to vent. Um, and I'm just really grateful for it because if you had asked me, you know, 20 years ago that this group of friends would have this type of influence on me, I probably wouldn't have guessed it. Um, but now I can't imagine my life without it. And we are now even plotting how do we get our families together so that we can kind of continue a tradition because all three of us also married non-bunts.

SPEAKER_01 4:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 4:43

Um, and just to give context to the audience, I think when you think of growing up in California now, you think of little India. But for you guys, you weren't surrounded by Indians growing up, right? It's almost like you had to seek out and find these bun gatherings. Um, tell us more about that and then that experience.

SPEAKER_00 4:59

Yeah, no, so in elementary school, I think there was one other Indian person, um, and she was Punjabi. And so we had very different upbringings. And so I think that's where I probably gravitated towards the Bunt culture because it was the one place where it's like I felt very seen. Um I I wasn't allowed to go to sleepovers, so I know Puj mentioned that previously, but mom and dad were very strict about going to friend sleepovers, and so the only sleepovers I was allowed to where I didn't have to really fight to ask to go, was with the Bunt community. Um, and so it just I think all of my early memories are definitely with that Bunt community in the Bay Area, and then we moved to Austin and we still got another flavor of that here that's still very impactful to my life.

SPEAKER_03 5:47

Absolutely. And then going along with this community thread, right? So I think occasionally you guys used to go to India, and then that's where you had the the actual family exposure, right? So you the the cousin gatherings, all the different activities that you did. Um, any any fond memories of going to India and things that particularly stand out?

SPEAKER_00 6:06

Yeah, so we would go every few years, and I think we always went in the summer because that's just what worked with the school schedule, and so it was very hot, but that meant everybody was home. And so that was a really special thing. Like when we would go to dad's house, all the cousins would be there, and you know, we're one of 20 plus cousins, like first cousins, um, because dad's one of nine. And so it was just really special because like I remember in the front yard we learned how to play cricket and we would just be outside playing for hours, and there's this beautiful mango tree in front. Um, and we would go grab mangoes, and you know, mom and dad, like, don't eat that, you're gonna get sick. Um, but it was just so special because it was a fun way to spend time with people, like our family, and really get to know them because we didn't get to see them that often. They didn't come to visit us in the Bay Area, and so we had that, and then I think one of my favorite things that always ran through, no matter what city we were in um in India visiting, everyone always knew how much I loved ice cream. So there was always ice cream at the freezer, or we would make a Baskin Robbins run or to the local ice cream shop. Um, and so I have these memories. They seem silly because it's like, okay, you went to an ice cream shop, but they were with our people and it was something that they remembered that I enjoyed, and they always prioritized making that happen.

SPEAKER_02 7:25

And I kind of know, I guess I feel the same, even though we are 20 plus years apart, or I should say almost 30 years apart. I have the same memories of uh growing up, you know, of just be of the fun times of going back to Mangalore or whatever. And you know, we uh at this point sometimes we talk about us being buns, and buns are a community from Tulunadu, South Canada, Coastal Karnataka. Uh is there something that and you are a Bunt, so is there something that equates to Bunt for you, Lakshme?

SPEAKER_00 7:58

Yeah, so for me, it really is community because it's it's something that I relate to. I feel like I've always felt seen with the Bunt community in that way. But I think how I position is or a community that comes together around food. Um, and Cori Roti is definitely one of those items because I can't think of a a bunt gathering without some kind of snack or meal. Um, and it just it embodies our culture in so many ways. And I think Cori Roti is special just because nobody else has it. Um, it is something that is so quintessential bunt. Um, and I think for me that has just like been there through it's this thread that kind of goes through my life because even as I embody what I think is community and how the bunt community has shown up for me, I do it with my friends, right? I invite them over and there's always food, drinks, and everything. Everyone's like, oh, I'm so well taken care of. I think that probably just stems from mom and dad teaching us like that's the bunt way. That's what you do.

SPEAKER_02 8:56

Yes, yeah, that's what you do. And your mom is such an amazing cook uh that you know, we all love coming there too for not only other food, but the bunt food. She just she just has a way of making it. But I wanted to parallel that too. Just recently, you guys went to India with Rihanna and with Adam, who we'll talk about later, I guess. But just to parallel any similarities between your trip this time and your childhood trips to India.

SPEAKER_00 9:27

It was um, it was actually really special to be able to take Adam and Rihanna because I think for us as Bunts, something really special is like I know I'm 100% bunt. There is no question about that. And getting to take them and show them our heritage and where we come. A lot of people don't get to do that, right? And we got to show our ancestral homes. We got to go, well, we like to call the temple run. So there's six temples that we go to, and I've been prepping Adam about it the whole time. And it's just it's really incredible, it's peaceful. Um, but it was also really just eye-opening for me because it was the first time I realized like we say these temples are in our family, our family built these temples, but now there's like actual information about when these temples were built. And one of the temples we went to, Pooja and Kyle, were like, this was built in the 14th century. And you don't think about your lineage in that way of like oh wow, it goes obviously, it goes back that far, but how special to be a part of something that generations have come to this temple. Um, obviously, Ryon doesn't understand it yet, but he did so great on the trip, and it was just really cool to show Adam this piece because it's something we are very conscientious of, like, we're going to bring this into Ryon's upbringing of who he is. Um and we were there um for my Tulubara. So I'll touch on it a little bit, but back in 2018, mom and dad were, I think, very worried that I wasn't going to meet somebody, um, my future life partner. And they went to India and they talked to the priest and they did a puja. And the priest said, It's coming, and I promise you it's coming this year. Um, but with that said, I was always supposed to come back and do my filabara. And so we actually, as a family, all went and we got to experience that. And I will say it was one of my favorite parts of the trip because it was at dad's house, the house that we visited that we played at, and getting to show Adam and Rheon all these old artifacts of the house. Um, and then we were out there and doing the puja, and Adam jumped right into it and did everything. The priest, even at the end, was like, Oh, I like him. He's a good one. Um, because he followed everything and he remembered all the Sanskrit like chain things. Um, but all of that to say it was a fantastic trip and just a reminder of yes, the journey is long to get there, but like how important it is and how you fall back into just familiar ways, um, even though your life is completely different.

SPEAKER_03 11:53

Yeah, absolutely. I think I think it's very interesting sometimes. Like we had these dueling identities of being Indian, and then we go into Indian, actually, we're sort of reminded of our of our history, right? Like where we come from, um, our lineage, things like that. Um, and then going back a little bit to your to your childhood and growing up in California, I want to touch on this concept of like dueling identities, right? So we're not American enough to be in California or in America, and then we're not Indian enough when you go and sort of go to India, and they can, as soon as you speak, they're like, Oh, you're not from here, right? Um, so I'm curious to, and this is something that a lot of people our generation face where they grew up here um and they were born here, but they're also just one generation separated from their parents growing growing up in India. So I wanted to talk about your experience about how you navigated or um your perceptions on if there's two identities, if there's one merging of uh a single Shmyak identity. Um how do you view it?

SPEAKER_00 12:57

I think there were two identities, right? Um I think when we went to India, it was very apparent we are so loved. So it's not about being cared for or things like that. But I when I spoke in Canada, if I didn't use the right tense, um, people would laugh. And like they're not taught not to laugh at you. And but it it embarrassed us and it got me to the point where it's like, well, then fine, I won't talk in Canada. I'll just talk in English. And then here, you know, going to school, I remember English was my first language, but I spoke Canada at home. I understood it. And at school, they're like, Oh, she needs ESL. And mom and dad were like, she doesn't need ESL. She's she's born here, she speaks English. And it it was always just trying to figure out what part of me do I need to hide? What part is too big or doesn't make sense or doesn't equate to what this is. And it was hard growing up. I think as I've gotten older, it's one of those things that I'm like, this is who I am. And I can confidently say that and take it as you leave it, take it as you want, right?

SPEAKER_02 13:54

Um, but then just to hop in, ESL is English as a second language, right?

SPEAKER_00 13:59

Yes, and I mean the irony of that one is the a year later after school, they're like, She's gifted and talented. Let's bring it. Mom and dad were like, let's just leave her here and do this. But you know, it just at that time there were so many unknowns. We were the only Indian family that lived on our street. Um, I was one of the only Indian kids in elementary school. And I think as each journey to to middle school to high school, there was a little bit more. And I would get excited at every juncture because I was like, oh, somebody else who gets it. Because I definitely felt like there it's something we bond over, right? If you're you're Indian American, it's not just me that's experiencing this, somebody's somebody else is experiencing it in some shape or form. Um, and I think that for me, the Bunt community helped because there were other Bunt kids that got it. Because even in the Indian community that was in school with me, it was like they were different types of Indian. So they'd be like, wait, your family doesn't celebrate this, and why don't you speak Hindi? And they had no idea what South Indian was. So you were even still being kind of separated or treated differently. Um, even if we're all from the same country.

SPEAKER_03 15:06

Yeah, absolutely. I think one of the reasons why I bring up this concept of identity is because ideally at an early age when you're a child, you shouldn't be sort of reminded or told that you're sort of different in terms of from a from an optical physical standpoint. Um, but because you were growing up in California and then you were quite young, especially when 9-11 happened, you were sort of it wasn't a choice, right? It was already like it was thrown in front of your face almost that you were quote unquote looked different. Um, and I knew you you had some personal experiences around that growing up.

SPEAKER_00 15:37

So if you're comfortable, it was a really defining moment because I do remember 9-11 very clearly. They wheeled in the TV and we watched what happened and trying to trying to understand the magnitude. And I I don't know if I fully understood it the day it happened, but within those weeks following, it became very apparent that I was no longer the same. Um, with my classmates and things like that. And I have this very distinct memory. I was a freshman in high school, and our school was like a melting pot of you know, Asian, Mexican, just all sorts of different different places, right? And I remember walking with one of my Indian friends into our quad area at lunch, and somebody threw rocks at us. And I was like, is this a joke? Somebody surely would not do that, right? Or were they trying to get my attention? And when we look down, we see these little pebble things. But it just it was very eye-opening in that moment of like, oh, I need to be careful, I need to be really cautious of my surroundings and I'm being treated differently. Of we are, we're all now kind of classified um as terrorists, is like what it felt like. And it was like, I'm I'm just Indian. My skin color is brown. And I I know Pooja has shared this story in her podcast, but we were flying um from our summer, it was the summer we moved, and I had moved a little bit later to Austin, and Pooja was with me, and the two of us flew together by ourselves for the first time, and it was right after 9-11. And I just remember we'd gone through security, we'd gone through all these things, and we're standing in line to board the plane, and they pull every single brown person out of line. And I just remember it was it was the time after the shoe bomber that happened, and they made us take our shoes off, but we weren't allowed to touch our shoes. So I'm trying, I'm trying to coach Pooja, hey, don't use your hands, take your feet. But I'm also only 15 years old and have never experienced anything like this. And it was just, you know, those moments where we now laugh about it, or like, oh, if you're coming, if you're traveling with me, be prepared to have to wait a little bit longer. And like my husband is white. When we travel together, I'm like, see on the other side. Those types of jokes that you have to kind of almost for me, I've I've had to just like make light of it because if I sit here and really think about all these injustices that shouldn't happen, um, it makes my blood boil.

SPEAKER_03 18:00

Yeah, absolutely. And I I feel like I'm definitely at fault here too, because when I joke around with my friends about like I'll tell them if I'm missing some physical contact, all I have to do is go through TSA. Um, but I I have vivid memories of going through security or even prior like to getting on the flight, and then Karthik and I would be randomly checked, you know, uh and pulled across. And then my dad, and if you know my dad, he would just be stewing there. His inability to say something really, really irks him. So you can just see him watching his two kids sort of taking onto the side, and they're like, We're probably in our teen years. Um, yeah, and it's like like we're desensitized to it, but it's very, very like it's looking back on it, it's so it's like so wrong, right? From a moral perspective. Um, but yeah, so sort of I'll digress on that. Um, but moving on a little bit, so I think one of the other pivotal things that you talked about is uh when you were a sophomore in high school, uh, you guys all moved from California to Austin. Um, so maybe touch on your high school experience a little bit, and then obviously you eventually go on to UTSA. So, how was that whole transition and uh things like that?

SPEAKER_00 19:10

Yeah, high school was hard. Um, it is probably my least favorite years. If I look back on my life, I realize it was probably really pivotal um and one of like the building blocks to who I am today. But I was definitely perceived as very, very shy. And so, like uprooting my entire life of here are the kids that I've gone to school with since kindergarten. And now starting in this new school in Austin. And Austin wasn't as diverse at the time I moved here. You could count the minorities on your hands at my high school. And so when I went to the first high school, luckily there was an orientation with other new kids joining. And so I got to meet other people in my grade and I kind of gravitated toward towards a group of friends. Um, but that year we ended up moving to South Austin and I ended up going to another high school at the end of the semester. And it just, it really, really impacted me because I again then had to start over, try to pull myself out of my comfort zone and force myself to make friends with people. Um, I was very unhappy. And I think what was really special is I shared that with mom and dad. And I kind of I probably expected them to be like, suck it up. You're this is where we live, you'll go to this school. But they were super in tune with it and they were like, hey, let's let's figure this out, let's get through the semester, get through finals, and then we'll see if we can get you back to Westlake. If that's an option, let's try that. And then if not, we will look at like permanent housing in California and who will take you on as a guardian and you can finish high school there. And so it just I felt very, very supported in that moment, even though like I was like, let's move just here, myself in high school. Um, but for me, it taught me a lot of things. I think I made it my mission with my group of friends in high school. I went back to Westlake and we um anytime we saw anyone sitting by themselves at the lunchroom, we went and got them. And our friend circle got really big because of that. And I met some really wonderful people. Um, but we just basically had this perspective of no one will ever feel like how we felt of having to sit alone at the lunch table. We're gonna make this effort and make great friends in this way. And so um, I highly don't recommend moving your child at high school unless you absolutely have to, but don't let that be your first move because it's really, really, really hard.

SPEAKER_03 21:26

Yeah, I can't imagine. Um but then eventually you go on sort of you don't go back to California, you go down the street to San Antonio. Um, was I'm just curious, was there any sort of like screw it? Texas is not the place to me I want to go out of state.

SPEAKER_00 21:41

Oh, there was. And then there was the tuition bill that came from the UCs, and mom and dad said, if you go there, you don't get to come back home for Thanksgiving. And I definitely, I think, channeled the older daughter of like, I need to be close to the family, I need to be here, I'm definitely want to be around mom and dad for the holidays and stuff. And so when we did the math, it just did not make sense to go to the UCs. And so I was like, I'll go to UTSA. And I was in the CAP program. I was like, I'll transfer to UT. And when I went to UTSA, it was really eye-opening. It was really fun because it was an opportunity to kind of show up like in this new version of me, a little more outgoing, um, but a lot more Indian people. And I was like, this is great. This is what I've been waiting for. I just I don't want to feel like the only anymore. And I can be around people who get it and things like that. There's an Indian student association. I got involved with that. I had a lot of fun in college. I was an hour away from home. So I could always come home whenever I wanted. But I made great friends. And that ultimately ended up, I think, probably as I look back, there was probably a piece of when it was time to go to UT. I decided to stay at UTSA because I think I just I was like, I've been through so much change over the last few years, and change is hard. I'm just gonna, I'm gonna do this. I don't want to be a freshman again. Um and so I made it work at UTSA and it was really special because I always look at those years and I'm like, it was so fond. My one thing though, for people in college is go do a study abroad. That is my biggest regret. I I tell every everyone in college to do that. But I um and I I guess even with college, it was one of those defining moments for me again, because I went in probably thinking I was all knowing. And I said, I'm gonna be a psychology degree, but I'm I'm going to med school. I want to be a pediatrician. And mom and dad were like, Are you sure you want to be a doctor? You sure you want to go to school for that long? Like, something else. Can't you go to industry?

SPEAKER_03 23:37

It's usually the opposite. That's so funny.

SPEAKER_00 23:39

Mom and dad were the opposite, but they were very much like engineering could be a very lucrative career.

SPEAKER_02 23:43

And I was like, I don't know if I want to do that. I think it's still the old Indian parent where girls don't do medicine, don't don't don't become a doctor. It screws up, it messes up your uh your chances, your life, you know.

SPEAKER_00 23:55

Yeah, though um, and I think dad was just always like it's so much school to get to like the end roads. Are you sure you want to do this? And I was like, Yeah, I'm I'm definitely gonna do this. And I learned very quickly in the first couple of years, making a lot of chemistry, I was like, I don't like this enough to want to do this. And if this is how I feel now, like this is probably not gonna happen. And so I was very, very grateful for getting a psychology degree where I was like, this can hit prereqs for like a lot of different things.

SPEAKER_03 24:24

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So even though you stayed at UTICA for four years, you still had a couple of twists and turns personally in terms of navigating exactly what you wanted to do, right?

SPEAKER_00 24:33

Oh, definitely. Um, and I think I mean, if I look at it now, it was probably a little bit of a hard decision at 18 to be like, here's what you're gonna do with the rest of your life. And I was like, I'm curious, I want to know more. And I think I was trying to balance the like this is your chance, you go to college and you figure this out and you go get a job. Um, and so for me, I think just figuring out, okay, med school's off the table. But mom and dad were like, okay, well, that's fine. What are you gonna do? What's your plan? And I at that time when I was graduating, I was like, you know what? I'm gonna contemplate law school or maybe business school or maybe both. And I unfortunately graduated during the 2008 recession. So there weren't a ton of job opportunities and things like that. And so for me, I was like, I'm gonna go just figure this out. I'm somebody who needs, I see something, I need to go experience something before I can make a decision on it. And so I went and worked at a law firm for three years while I was applying to grad school, and that really helped me figure out I didn't want to go to law school. Um, and so I ended up going the MBA route because I was even then still kind of exploring do I want to go into marketing? Do I want to go into HR? Um, this will allow me to do both, um, whichever way I want to go.

SPEAKER_03 25:49

And and what are the things because specifically because HR, which you you have been in now uh for the past few years, so no changes there, but curious what attracted you to that field because it is sort of a niche field, right? Um so curious about like what are the the traits or the things that you saw um that you were like, oh, this let me give it a go. My my sort of strengths and skills align with this.

SPEAKER_00 26:14

Yeah, I'm a people person, so I love being around people.

SPEAKER_03 26:16

I get so not a not a shy person like people thought you were, I guess.

SPEAKER_00 26:19

Yeah, no, and I don't know how I got coded this way, but I'm not. I don't think anyone in my adult life that meets me now, they're like, You were shy? You're really assertive, you're really passionate about things, and you could pop somebody's head off. So, like, don't really identify as shy anymore. But it was something for me where HR meant working with people. And at that time, I think even HR as an industry was still very administrative in nature of the type of work you did. But this was when tech booms were happening, and so the the intrigue of like startups. So I was like, I'm just gonna try it again. I'll get a job, I'll figure out if I like it. And I I say I fell into HR because somebody took a chance on me, but I think I thrived in it because of these people dynamics of it, was a perfect balance of like, I have a psych degree, I knew I was never gonna be a psychologist, I care too much. I don't know how to draw a line and say, no, let's table that for next week. I would be like, no, I'm here for you. I'm gonna fix this problem. And so HR was this business-minded way to kind of balance both, where I can be here for people, um, but I can also kind of put a line here and shift forward. And I, the first startup I worked at was just eye-opening. I was like, whoa, this is so fun. And I worked with all these brilliant people, and we were working on something really innovative, and I didn't know work could be fun. This is so cool. And I was getting my MBA there. I had this fantastic manager and mentor who I call my guardian angel because he is the one who saw what I could be. He was like, You have an eye for HR operations and come work for me and come do this. And he is the first person I call anytime I'm considering a job. He has placed me at numerous jobs. I've worked with him at numerous companies. Um, but he showed me the path and it was something that was really special because if you think about it, I went down this path that nobody chooses. Um, I got my MBA and then I went into HR.

SPEAKER_02 28:18

And not a very popular.

SPEAKER_00 28:20

It's not. And it's funny because when I got my MBA at UT, um, my career counselor, the first year, I did this assessment, and she goes, Why are you getting your MBA? You don't want to manage people. And I was like, I want it for all the other things, it'll make me a much more savvy business person. And she's like, This makes no sense whatsoever. And it was really my mentor, Aaron, who he taught me what it meant to be a leader. And I I instilled that in who I am today. And now I'm like a serial startup person. And Adam teases me because he's like, You are a glutton for punishment. I come in in an organization at 50 employees and then scale them up to whatever exit we're gonna get to go do. And it's it's not for everybody, but I love it because I get to build a legacy. I get to come in and change the experience for our employees and every company, it's really special. I'll keep up with people after I've left a company. And I think that has been the most rewarding piece of it is people will tell me, I didn't know HR could be strategic like this. I didn't know what I had when I stopped working at a company that you weren't at. Having that type of impact on people's lives, if you can get people focused to do and take care of them in this way, they do amazing things. They are the most important asset of a company and honestly the most expensive asset of a company. And I get to wake up every day and think about how do I engage you, how do I grow you, how do I stretch you, how do I make your experience so that you come to work every day and you at least make it 80% of the time.

SPEAKER_02 29:53

Yeah. Yeah. And that sounds so cool. I mean, I know HR does not have a good reputation with most other employees. So I'm glad you're bringing some humanity into it, and the people who've come through you are lucky. But it's time for me to take a little fun uh path on your journey. Uh, you were born here, you grew up here. Uh Shalnyakadivakrana. Did come from India a while back, and in our generation, it is um romance should not be a part of any child's growing up. When we say you get married, that's when you need to get married. But of course, life is different here in the US, even in India now. What are your thoughts on um romance, on marriage, on like how did you get to be as lucky? You know, your name spelling is L-A-X-M I, and I love how you put L-U-C-K, Luck S-H-M-E, so people know how to pronounce your name. You got some more luck when you married Adam. Tell us that journey. That wasn't an easy one.

SPEAKER_00 30:56

No, it wasn't. So, I mean, like I'm sure most bun kids, I wasn't allowed to date in middle school, high school, and things like that. And when I went to college, it was like, okay, I can go explore. And I ended up in a really long-term relationship. Um, I met someone when I was 20 and we dated through till I was 27. And we were both Indian. So in my head, I was Czech in college, check, meeting all these things, right? And align with my values. And I at that time, I genuinely believed that you had to be Indian to have the same values and understanding, and that would make having being married and having a family a lot easier. Um, and marriage is hard enough, so why not do it this way? And that relationship taught me a lot because it was during my formative years, it's already hard enough. You're growing up in your 20s, and then you grow up with somebody else that you still choose to be with, right? And I, when we got to our seven-year anniversary, we were just we started having some really hard conversations. I was graduating from the MBA program. I was like, I want to get married, I want to have kids, are we going down this path? And we had some tough conversations, and we religion was a big contention point for us. And I realized this isn't gonna work anymore. And I think our relationship had probably overstayed its welcome. Um, and we made the tough decision to break up, um, which I think it was really hard of like, are we making the right decision? And from there, I took that time. I was like, I'm not jumping into another relationship, even though I more than anything want to meet my person. I went into a self-discovery mode. I was getting my MBA, I had made new friends at work and in school, and I dated a lot, um, which is probably not common for Indian people to say out loud. Um, mom and dad were aware because I was at home at the time. Um and it it has always been a running joke with my friends because I think the year that I met Adam, um, I went on seven dates in seven days. And it was just like, that is like a full-time job. And I just something changed in me in 2018 where I was like, I'm just gonna have fun. I'm gonna go out, meet good people, and cherish those moments. And I always had this three-date rule of like first date, you get to know each other and you both are nervous. Second date, you start to go a little deeper, you share something deeper, and you're and then the third date, you're like, Do I want to see you again? Now we're like a little bit normal. And I got really good at that, of like figuring that out. Um, and I even tried an introduction through the Bunt community. And I think the thing I learned through all of that of the self-discovery was really figuring out what I wanted and what I valued in a partner. I needed somebody who communicated effectively with me, who saw me because I have very much older child Indian in me. Um I fit the stereotype in many ways. And I think the thing that I do the most is I prioritize everybody else over me. And it was really important to find a partner who was a partner and who wasn't, I think, what's the word? Um, scared of my success because I was really ambitious. I was probably a little harder to control in that way because or even intimidated by your success, right? Yeah, exactly. Because I wanted someone who saw me as an equal who wouldn't always be like, What? You're making all this money or you're doing all these things. Just kind of stay in line, don't do those things. And for me, that was really important to have somebody who could just really appreciate that and be like, Wow, I have a fantastic partner. So I met Adam in 2018, um, in that full circle of the India story, because we did my Tholabara, and that was the original poo that mom and dad said. And the priest said, She's gonna meet him, give it time. It's coming this year. I promise you, as soon as Saturn moves out of her sign, he's coming. And sure enough, he did. And it was, I will say it was fast and furious. I knew um, when I met Adam, things were different from the very first date. And we met on Hinge, which is like a modern dating app, and it's essentially the concept of like friends of friends. And Pooja always gets to hold this disclaimer of I would have never met Adam unless Pooja had gone to Northeastern, because we found well after we became Facebook friends that we had mutual friends and they were tied to Adam's friends who went to Northeastern, um, to Pooja's friends who went to Northeastern. And so that's our fun little connection back to our friendship. But I remember a month into dating Adam, I it was the first time I dated a white guy. I was like, Does his values align with mine? He's so great, he's got a great job. He's very communicative, attentive, not, you know, doesn't worry about the fact that I'm successful, actually embraces it and wants it. Um and I asked his parents were coming to visit, and I asked him, where are your parents sleeping when they come to visit? And he said, Oh, well, they sleep in my my bedroom, in my master bedroom. And I sleep on an air mattress in the living room. And I was like, check. That is essential Indian for me.

SPEAKER_03 35:53

I wonder if Adam knew that he that was like a test question that he like flag colors.

SPEAKER_00 35:58

Um, but now he gets it. And so, and it's funny because he asked me hard questions too. He's like, Is your family going to accept me? And I was, oh my god, of course. I wouldn't even bother going out with you if if they didn't. And he was like, Are you sure? And his mom even asked me months later, does your family actually know? Are you not telling them about him? I was like, he has met all of the Austin Bunt community, like he's real, like this is as real as it gets. The uncles have been called in India.

SPEAKER_02 36:25

This is a real everybody knows, and he's a great guy, he's fantastic. He is. Um, so you know that you kind of brought that up a little bit. So, since it is an inter uh racial marriage, did you have any problems going in or not problems? Because Yola's so happy and his parents are wonderful people. But what were some of the adjustments you had when you got married? Or were there any?

SPEAKER_00 36:52

Um I think we had less of adjustments because, like just full transparency, I talked to mom and dad about this, and we lived together for a year before we even got engaged. Um, and so I think for us, we had already kind of figured out how we worked together and the pandemic happened. So then there was this real test of wow, you guys spend a lot of time together because you're working from home, we're living together. Whereas I used to travel. Um, so it was like being in a long distance relationship at one point. And so for us, I think really it didn't feel different once we were married, but it just felt more like, well, wow, this is my person. And I get to wake up to this person every morning and build this life. Yeah, we're in it together. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 37:39

Yeah, absolutely. And I think we we'd be remiss to talk about the best product of this marriage, which would be Rihanna. I I hope you would be, I hope you would agree, right?

SPEAKER_01 37:49

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 37:49

Um, so before we get to the hard-hitting questions, uh Rihanna is two and a half years old, so two and a half years of being a mom. Are you how's the experience been? Enjoying it, I assume.

SPEAKER_00 37:59

I love it. I always tell people, I won't sugarcoat it. I will say this. This is my line. Um, it is simultaneously the hardest, exhausting, most rewarding thing I've ever done in my life. Um, and there is nobody prepares you for it. It wasn't always easy. I had really, really hard postpartum anxiety and depression um in the newborn phase, and just working through that and having a partner who is truly a partner makes a huge difference. Um, but Ryon's fantastic. I could brag about him all day. He is just a little sponge absorbing the world, like speaks in Spanish, speaks in English, and he's just so special. And I don't think anyone can warn you for the moment they say, I love you, mama, and they wrap their arms around you and give you a good hug. Oh, it's just like you forget everything in the world. And I think for me, it was definitely a learning experience. And I I've made it my mission to help new moms. But as a working mom, some things I learned was like I'm really good at a lot of stuff. I'm really good at my job. I'm a really good friend. I'm a really good wife. I had a really hard time adjusting to being a mom. And I think I'm a really good mom, but it took a minute because I was so scared of breaking him or something happening to him. And you know, babies just cry. They're hungry, they're whatever, and they don't give you like they don't, they really just don't um no manual. Yeah, no manual, and every baby's different. Um, and you know, I was like, oh my goodness, this is this is impossible. Um, but like it just one of those experiences that shape you and something between therapy and my executive coach. I learned a lot about being a working mom of like you learn that you have to people say you can have it all. It's really hard to have it all. Um, I think there's every single day it kind of shifts of like who gets my attention. Um, there are days where I just soak in Rheon and my family, and I'm and I'm that, and that's all I do. And I'm like something else is gonna get tabled because of that. Um, but it really learned it taught me prioritization because and communicating more effectively at work, too. Of here are my boundaries, here's what I need, here's how I'm going to show up. Um, work in some ways saved me because I was still good at it. And so I think I transitioned back to work really, really well. But I definitely fight the balance of am I showing up enough at home and things like that. And you realize you figure it out for yourself, but it has been a learning journey for me. And I've tried my hardest to be vocal about it because it's something we don't talk about in our community. Um, people have feelings, but they just can't, I think parents in general just hunker down and like everybody does it. It's it's just a phase. And I think something that I feel like I can do differently is at least share my experience. Because if it helps somebody else um get through it to realize they're not alone, then that's that's huge, right? That's a ton of impact that you can have on somebody, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. It is definitely a balancing act. I still sometimes feel like I have my training wheels on.

SPEAKER_02 41:06

Um, but it's those never get off, Lakshmi. I have kids the 30 and above, and those training wheels never go away. You're always wondering, am I doing the right thing? But you are an amazing mom. So let me just say it loudly, and you'll be proud.

SPEAKER_03 41:24

Yeah, and just want to shout out that Sanjay is not 30 yet. So I'm sure uh she's podcasting be like, mom at my age, she got my age.

SPEAKER_00 41:31

Don't tell me short.

SPEAKER_03 41:32

I just want to let her know. Um, but bringing it back so so two hard-hitting questions a little bit about Rian, right? So, one question is how your parenting style is sort of informed by what you've observed with Tibak uncle and um Shan Yanti. And the other question is we talked about this concept of dueling identities before a little bit. Um, so from your perspective as a mother, he's definitely gonna have to juggle that too, right? Because two different parents from two different ethnicities. So curious about as a mother, how you think about that and how you sort of um bring Rihanna as a sort of a balanced individual with both interests. Um, yeah, curious how you think about that.

SPEAKER_00 42:17

Yeah, um, so I think from learning from mom and dad, um I think for me, support stands out. They were just always so supportive and they continue to still be supportive. And you know, I'm almost 40 and mom and dad still play a significant role in my life. And I I just think about how they show up for us and like wanting to be, I think I didn't learn it until I was older that they were like my safe space. But that is something that's really important to me of establishing with Rion, we are your safe place. I think mom said it to me once of like no one else is gonna come for you if something happens. We are. Um and so as scary as that seems sometimes when you mess up or you think you've messed up in a big way, knowing that those are your people. Like I think it's important. Um, but it's funny with Rheon. Um I think what was your latter question, Siddhanth?

SPEAKER_03 43:09

It was about the uh how we also face dueling identities, but Rion will also have to face that too, more so because both of his parents are from two different ethnicities, right?

SPEAKER_00 43:18

Yeah. Um I think so. For Rheon, I think something I'm hyper aware of is like he he's going to present differently to people. And so depending on how people see him, I'm already experiencing it sometimes where they're like, hey, Ryan, Ryan Sheehan, and I'm like, it's Rheon. Um and so the cycle starts again. But it is one of those things where I think Adam and I are so we talked about this even before we had kids, um, or even before we decide to get married, of like how do what what values do we align on? And what's important to teach about our heritage? And something that I think that's really important for both of us that fits into our story is one, I want to create. That safe space that mom and dad taught me because I think that is foundational to be able to work through dueling identities, is to know that somebody who gets it. Um, but I think there's also something to we Adam and I have so many parallels of how we were raised and how our families influence who we are today and the opportunities that were presented. And there's something there of like as you move generation to generation, how do we help Rihan also understand what that heritage is? So that India trip is going to be one of many, right? Um Rihan has Irish heritage, he has French heritage. Um, and so how do we kind of embody some of those things and make sure that he's so close with his families? But it even starts with like his relationship with his grandparents is so special. And I think all of those things inadvertently help with that identity piece because I think communication, being able to talk to it and us being more aware of it, like I admire mom and dad a lot for they came here with nothing and you know they had the bunt community, but like you guys were all figuring it out together. And when I look at their evolution of like, gosh, you don't even have half the tools that I have at my fingertips to parent and things like that. And I think I just have this growing admiration for that generation. You did the best you could, and we're all doing the best we can. Um, so how do you continue to bring that in, but still have that awareness for Rian of like, it's not always gonna be easy. What does resilience look like? How do you work through some of these things? And I think both Adam and I are gonna have examples. And as we build that relationship, I think it's just built on love. Or it sounds so simple, but you work at that. But it is um, and I think that helps with that identity piece of being hyper aware of it because I think Adam and I are even more aware that it's happening, and then and we'll kind of go from there.

SPEAKER_03 45:50

Yeah, absolutely. Thanks for sharing. And I know for a fact that Rihanna with the uh the fret you said French, Irish, and Indian heritage. That's a that's a cool combo. My god, I'm sure a lot of people will be after him when he's when he's a little bit older. Yeah, he's like, Mama, we're going to all these dates, and you're like, I can't say anything because you heard this podcast.

SPEAKER_02 46:11

Yeah, yeah. You were gonna hide this for a while from him.

SPEAKER_03 46:16

Yeah. Um, so yeah, we we in terms of talking about identities, right? So we talked about your identity as a daughter, um, as a mom, as a partner. Um, but I want to talk about Lakshmiakar, right? So curious about apart from all that, any any interest activities that you do personally for your self-satisfaction for you?

SPEAKER_00 46:37

Yeah, so one that a lot of people aren't aware of is I like to deadlift. Um it is my favorite thing to do. Um, I started doing it like probably a decade ago. I was really, really into it. And it was one of those things where it's like, I'm not somebody that you expect at the gym. Um, but I got into it and I really appreciate it because it's something where I've had the opportunity to learn the strength of my body. And it's totally the mind-body connection because you don't walk into the gym and lift 140 pounds. Um, you you have to work at it. And I that was a PR that I did pre-Reon. And so I'm actually working with a trainer right now, trying to get back to see if I can PR again. So I've gotten up to 30, I believe, getting closer every day. But it's just a really cool reflection of when I'm in the gym doing that, everything else shuts off. And it's for me. Um, and it's something I have to work at. It doesn't come naturally. I don't wake up being able to just do it. I have good days, I have bad days. Um, but it's the consistency of getting to do that and like make time for myself. I think some other things that I enjoy. One, I think one of you mentioned it earlier. I love to travel. Um, it is something that in my discovery phase in my late 20s when I was newly single, I really, really prioritized it. And I'm so glad I did. And I think everyone should. Of I'm always seeking out experiences. Um, you can have, don't get me wrong, I love material things too. Um, but I think something to experiences and being able to go to another country and experience that culture, like you just learn so much about yourself, even in the in the process of experiencing somebody else's culture. Um and so that's a piece of it. And then something that is like a newfound passion in the last five years since the pandemic is I learned how to cook. I always said I would marry someone who cooks, I did, and then he taught me how to cook.

SPEAKER_02 48:40

Nice. Those were your romantic dinners cooking together.

SPEAKER_00 48:45

Yeah. Um candlelight dinners. The man is a saint. Um, he's very, very patient. I'm sure some of my other bun people can relate to moms in the kitchen who cook very, very quickly and are like, just get out of my kitchen. It'd be much more helpful because you don't know what a dash is and you don't know how to chop this onion properly. Um, but now I know how to do those things. And mom always comes into my kitchen and I make her meals now. So it's kind of a fun trade-off because she'll be like, Did you ever think you'd be able to cook like this? And she'll rave about whatever I've made, um, which is just a really fun spin when you've grown up with such a fantastic cook in your home.

SPEAKER_02 49:21

Yep. And yeah, and when we do our potlucks and you bring something new, it's always tasty. So the proof of the pudding has been in the eating. But anyway, you also talked about traveling, imbibing other cultures and all that, uh, Lakshmi. Do you feel that the influence of bunt culture in your life has been a thread that's been there all through? Or is it something that's been up and down? What's the influence of bunt culture in your life?

SPEAKER_00 49:48

I think it ebbs and flows, but if I'm being honest, it's probably been there all along. I think I'm aware of it at certain scenarios. But like I share with you, it was so foundational in being seen as a young child, an adult. Um, but even in my adulthood, it's something I reflect on because it's it's that sense of community, really. And I, you know, I walk away from when we do an Austin Bunt gathering and I think of Rheon, and I've told Adam this before. I want him to have community, and this is his community, and him spending time with his community is important to me. And so, how do we prioritize making time for those things in our busy schedules? Um, it's one of those things that I think you don't pay attention to in the day-to-day, but it's instilled in your values and just the connections you have, right? I recently was reflecting on this of like, you know, we do Bana um every two years. And the first one we did that I was a part of was in California, and that was really eye-opening of getting to learn Indian dances and things like that. But if you fast forward to the one that Texas hosted, um, a lot of people may not realize this.

SPEAKER_02 50:58

But the first one, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 50:59

The one in Houston that we did, I was the youth committee lead and I actually started the youth committee career panel that is now like gone and like I mean, brilliant people have gone after it and turned it into something, but it was something really important to me because I was like, we have a really like how many people get to be born into a community with so many brilliant people, so many successful people. And I think something that's very bunt is that's even evident in in my career is you can go do anything you put your mind to and be the best at it. And mom and dad used to always say that of whatever you do, just go be the best at that and do it well, don't just be mediocre at it. And I think that goes across the board for a lot of bunt people. We have the best doctors, we have actors, you know, we have everything you could think of, and a lot of people don't have access to a community like that, and that's really special.

SPEAKER_02 51:49

The Bana is the Bunt Association of North America, and we have conventions national as well as uh uh regional, and uh you've done your regional part, but that was the youth part, and now we will maybe at some point transition into a more leading role, but uh don't worry, I have my eyes on the president role at some point.

SPEAKER_00 52:11

It's just not this season of life, so I'll be calling on you, Siddhanta.

SPEAKER_03 52:16

We'll see about that. Um but yeah, to sort of like summarizing everything that we've gone over. Um, we've done a full inventory. I'm sure that you've gone through memory lane a little bit. The one thing that we have that I've heard from you is you're a very sort of value, very value-centric person. You look for values and then you try to develop values within yourself. Um curious if you had any sort of advice that you could give to Rheon now or even 10 years from now, or even the next generation that you think that you've developed in your life very intentionally.

SPEAKER_00 52:48

Um, I think I have a couple of things there that I definitely would impart to the next generation. So one of them kind of goes back to that weightlifting theme of make time to work on yourself. Even if it's like 5% a year, the ROI on that, when you look back in like five or 10 years, is going to be massive. And so, whatever it is, it doesn't have to be necessarily work-oriented or school-oriented or whatever, but find something to make yourself better. We all have room to grow. Um, and that is the people who are successful in life in all the ways, whatever that looks like for you is the people who put time into themselves. When you figure out you, you can do amazing things. I think the other one is just one that has stayed with me since I was a little kid of mom and dad always raised us to be really kind. They always opened up their home to everybody. Um, and you know, so many people stayed with us throughout our lives. And they always said, be kind to everybody. Um, because you never know what battles they're facing, right? And you can't treat people differently because in the world that we live in, we're all together. Um, doesn't matter if it's a janitor or the CEO of a company, you treat them the same. And I think that's something I really hold closely to me because I think on paper or outside looking in, everyone can look at my life and be like, wow, like how perfect, right? Great husband, great child, a great dog, um, great career, great family, right? Like all these things. And I don't discount any of that. I feel very grateful, but I had to work for all of those things. And with each of those seasons come different battles. And Adam and I talk about that as well. Of life doesn't always hand you the best cards, it's what you make the best of. Um, and so I think it's so important. You may not always be aware of somebody's journey, but kindness can go such a long way in showing up for people.

SPEAKER_03 54:34

Yeah, absolutely. Um, well, thank you for hopping on. I know it's it's it's been a trip down memory lane, but I appreciate your transparency and how willing that you're that you were to share about your journey. Um, my perspective of you has always been like this older, strong sister that I could always reach out to. And if anything, I'm very confident or more confident about their perception now.

SPEAKER_00 54:55

Thank you for saying that.

SPEAKER_02 54:57

Yeah, thanks, Lakshmi. We've really enjoyed this conversation. There's a lot that you brought up that you know, we've had many guests, and each one of you bring out something more for me to think about. And I would think, okay, it's I feel like I've been through a lot, but it sounds like even the younger generation, you guys go through a lot and as you grow older. But just talking with you, being around you, seeing you grow up, I know you got this, and uh wish you all the best.

SPEAKER_00 55:26

Thank you again, y'all.

SPEAKER_03 55:27

Thank you.