Episode #27 - Ashima Shetty Dcosta

Ashima Shetty Dcosta shares her personal journey with Chavadi co-hosts Siddhant and Lalitha, with a directness, candor, and ‘very chill’ (as she describes her nature) manner that belies the practicality, resilience, and courage with which she faces the highs and lows that life puts before her. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:09

Hi there, or as we say in Tulu, Namaskarla. Welcome to Chowdi.

SPEAKER_00 0:16

Chavdi means the meaning place. Architecturally, it is a veranda, sometimes outside a home, sometimes within, always to welcome guests, to swap stories, debate the news, and pass the time together.

SPEAKER_01 0:31

Each episode, we will bring you voices that reflect the rich tapestry of life, memories from childhood, lessons learned along the way, and the moments that stay with us forever. Some humorous, some poignant, but always special. I'm Lalita Shetty.

SPEAKER_00 0:51

And I'm Sidan Shetty. Today we invite you to our chaviti. Today we have Ashma De Costa. She's been married to Mark for 20 years. They have two kids, Zara and Zahan. And Ashma was born and brought up in Bangalore. And she currently stays in Bangalore too. So a true native Bangalorean, if I may say that. Welcome, Ashima Anti. How are you doing today?

SPEAKER_02 1:23

Thank you so much for having me on this podcast, Lalu Chiki and Suzanne.

SPEAKER_01 1:28

Yeah, Ashima, welcome. Uh, another one of my uh podcast guests who I've seen growing up. You are an amazingly strong woman. So I am excited to talk to you and find out more and share all that you are with all our listeners. We have actually quite a few.

SPEAKER_02 1:49

Thank you, Laluchiki. The only you know, the memories that I have of you were how meticulously you did all my projects.

SPEAKER_01 1:58

I did do those projects, yes.

SPEAKER_02 2:00

So good TV and all of that. I was the only one in class who had 3D projects.

SPEAKER_01 2:06

So amazing. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:10

Cool. Let's get started with your uh childhood. So one thing that you mentioned that was pretty fundamental towards your childhood to just having a huge extended family in Bangalore. I think also where you currently stay, you guys are you have some family members in the same apartment building, right? So true, where family just always surrounded and um always around you. So tell us about the effect of growing up with a huge extended family in Bangalore and all the fun and games you start.

SPEAKER_02 2:38

So initially it was my parents and siblings, and I mean, of course. And so growing up, really, we had more than we needed, and it was life was just simple and secure, but alongside this was this huge extended uh family of grandparents, granduncles, grandaunts, aunts, uncles, and cousins. It was super fun, and we're all super close, you know, and we met very often, almost every week, not almost. We so we met every probably for a long time, and was yeah, it was just and that whole extended family was like not was like was family for a long time then.

SPEAKER_00 3:30

Yeah, and you guys used to meet up a lot in Bangalore or whatever. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:33

Every week we'd meet up. Sundays was our meeting day. The older uh folks played cards, and while everybody else just hung out and had a good time.

SPEAKER_00 3:45

Oh nice, it's almost like a Thanksgiving party every Sunday.

SPEAKER_02 3:48

Yeah, yeah. So recently when we were talking about like the cousins talking about it, uh one of my cousins said, you know, it was like modern family on steroids.

SPEAKER_01 4:01

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Do you remember any of those modern family on steroid incidents, uh Ashima? Some trouble or something you got up to? No, no. Or you don't want to share.

SPEAKER_02 4:16

No, no, I just remember how we were swimming all the time and then we'd miss all these Sunday things, and we'd be, you know, and uh we had to be torn away from all the time to go for our swimming sessions. So that was the sad uh part. And also, I think uh we'd want some of our cousins to come and stay at home, but uh, and that was also uh, you know, we hiding in our car and then getting them back or hiding somewhere and then saying where all of that here in the chaos was constantly. But see, the thing is we wanted to be part of all the fun, but sometimes we had to go for our first to to swim.

SPEAKER_00 5:03

So yeah, and that's sort of uh that sort of leads to my next part where we talked about how swimming was a huge part of your childhood as well. Um used to swim, I think nationally, state level. So tell us more about how that was a huge part of your.

SPEAKER_02 5:20

When swimming entered my life, it was not just a sport. Okay, it started, you know, I started very early, like at when I was seven, and it got serious pretty quickly. It was early morning swim train sessions, school, and then late evening, I mean post-school, which was running into the late evenings. This was on repeat for about 10 years, several years, I think 10 years, and so this was like an everyday thing. There was no change. We were it, you know, it was very intense. It was we missed a lot of family get togethers, weddings, and all of that. But swimming stayed on course. I was fortunate to swim at the national and international level, and uh yeah, and which uh, like I was saying, um allowed me to get into one of the best engineering colleges in the state.

SPEAKER_01 6:21

And I want to take you back just a second, Ashima, because I know you said it wasn't something that you were interested in, it was something that started off because I know your grandfather, that was his one thing that he wanted everyone to learn swimming as a life-saving skill. And I don't know if he started you on it. Uh, I know I missed that part of it because we grew up in Bombay, and so I didn't have it, but everybody else in the family can swim thanks to your grandfather.

SPEAKER_02 6:49

Yes, I think that's also see. You know, we had a swim pool, one of the only schools in Bangalore that had a pool. So I think with Aja's influence and uh and we having access to that pool so close, I think we had no choice but to start swim learning how to swim as a life saving skill.

SPEAKER_03 7:12

True, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:15

I'm glad you brought that up because you know I didn't I knew we started because of yeah, I just remember missing out on that part, and I still till today I'm not I mean I'm not a swimmer, so uh I just wish I'd grown up in the time when uh because those are the two skills, yeah. Well, I'm trying, but there are those are the two skills he taught everyone, I think. There swimming and driving.

SPEAKER_02 7:42

Yes, yes. You know, and I'm glad you mentioned driving because my gift uh as soon as see driving here, you can drive when you're 18. You get a license only when you're 18. So for my 18th birth, he got me a license as a gift.

SPEAKER_00 7:59

Yeah, talking more about swimming nationally, right? Um curious, you you mentioned some international competitions. Did you represent India? Where did you swim? I'm just curious to hear more.

SPEAKER_02 8:09

There was uh these Asia-Pacific meets, like Asian SAF games, which are the SAF countries like uh India, Pakistan, South what Sri Lanka, uh Bangladesh, and all of these uh countries surrounding it's called the South Asian Federation.

SPEAKER_03 8:29

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_02 8:30

So we swam at those meets, and then also there was Asia Pacific, which were mostly the Asian countries with the Australia Pacific, that's awesome.

SPEAKER_01 8:42

Yeah, so when you traveled, did you uh you had to miss school, right? I think that's when I was doing your projects for you.

SPEAKER_02 8:51

That was the only reason I would do projects when we traveled extensively in India and also not extensively outside for swimming, but a few foreign trips.

SPEAKER_01 9:05

Yeah, and when you say we, you mean Sajani, your younger sister, correct?

SPEAKER_02 9:09

Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_01 9:10

What's the age difference between you guys?

SPEAKER_02 9:12

Two and a half years, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:14

So y'all were uh friends one minute, frenemies, frenemies, and still frenemies who are very, very close living in the same apartment complex.

SPEAKER_02 9:27

Yeah, everyone says, I don't I can't imagine how you guys are staying thing, but you know, we really enjoy it. We can't imagine, but we I don't think I'd have it any other way.

SPEAKER_01 9:42

Yeah, Ashima, since we are buns and we do try to bring up uh you know some memories of being bant or having bant traditions, and I know you guys attended everything in uh Gitami's place or other places, uh you know, follow traditions when you went to Atar in Mangalore sometimes, yeah, and all of that stuff. But personally, as a family, y'all were not super religious or anything like that. Family meant more to you guys, right? Yes, yes. So I remember I sorry, I remember one of these competitions where they all made t-shirts and came to chill before you.

SPEAKER_02 10:18

So, so I told you about, I mean, I don't need to tell you, Lalu Cheki, you were part of that extended uh fun family. So, but Sidan, this whole uh thing, even during our swimming, right? We were um every time we'd go see no, so they were huge encouragement. It was not only my parents that drove us, encouraged us and supported us through this uh swimming uh journey. It was also this extended family that um encouraged us and was like this whole big cheerleading squad for us. It was just they cheered and they came to all, not all, most of our swim meets that were held in Bangalore, they would show up and cheer for us. And you know, nobody else had that kind of encouragement and support. And at one time, all the kids, I mean all the younger cousins, got t-shirts that said, go Sajini, go, or something like that. Sajini's sister, and they came, you know, there were some press, uh, some photographers and all of that. They they got photographed and it came in the papers in the front page of the papers next the next day.

SPEAKER_00 11:38

Oh wow, the daughter.

SPEAKER_02 11:40

Yeah, yeah, it was so good. Um I think there was Shalika also was part of that uh troupe.

SPEAKER_01 11:48

Yeah, I I don't remember.

SPEAKER_02 11:50

I just know that that ties into it.

SPEAKER_01 11:53

Okay, like to what you've said, bunt means to you. It's the family, the feeling of family. Yes, yes, yes, yeah, yeah. And other guests, ashima, have talked about food. What are your thoughts on bunt food?

SPEAKER_02 12:07

I mean, bunt food is a no-brainer. Kori roti is everybody's favorite, and there's of course ghe roast, which is also a staple in my house now. Everybody who comes wants ghee roast, prawn ghe roast, or you know what chicken, whatever. And it's a it's a hot favorite with our friends, with everybody.

SPEAKER_03 12:30

I love ghee roast.

SPEAKER_02 12:33

Also, I loved in manglo. I studied in manglo, so I I absolutely loved uh being there for four years, it was super fun.

SPEAKER_01 12:47

Yeah, and earlier you also talked about bunt weddings, like those were things you remember yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:52

So being bant, like I said earlier, we were not very religious and we didn't follow many bunt traditions, so I'm not uh you know, I don't know much, but we did uh like I said, we did follow the basic pujas, like either puja and diwali. So and also only when I went to Mangalore, then my grandmother there used to do the Tolsi Puja. Okay, so that's something I was uh introduced to there, and then of course, there's also one more thing that you know, once uh girls reach a certain age and not married, then there are certain rituals performed to speed up the process. Yes, so that's interesting.

SPEAKER_00 13:48

Okay, um, cool. So moving on to your later teen yearslash college, before we sort of go down that route, I want to give the audience a flavor for how the household was like. So you said that your your dad and mom both had pretty unique and interesting personalities of how they shaped you and your siblings. So tell us more about what your mom and your dad were like growing up.

SPEAKER_02 14:14

So my mom was uh, you know, like uh so you know, now that I am I'm a parent, I feel like my you know all my swimming achievements had very little to do with my talents, actually, very little or nothing at all. It was all my mother. Okay, and it was her perseverance, her discipline, and her unwavering belief that made this all possible. While of course, my father supported us throughout in his silent way, much like his personality. Okay, he's patient and a man of few words, so his support was always there. I think, like the say there is a saying that you know there are no Olympic athletes, it's only Olympic parents.

SPEAKER_01 15:14

So, like that, I realized only after being a parent that uh it had very little to do uh with my talent, you know, it was all sure, but I'm sure without the basic talent, however much she persevered, nothing would have to be. So don't don't play it down, Nashima.

SPEAKER_02 15:35

No, no, I'm telling you, okay. They they say that about Olympic uh athletes also there is certainly true some truth to that, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:47

And then and then talking about swimming a little bit more, right? So obviously, like knowing the typical day for swimming, you probably used to wake up before school, have practice, and then go to school, and then have practice again, and then have like a late dinner, and whatever time you have left over, you have that for homework and things like that, right? So thinking back to that, um, and then for you to start at age seven, I believe you said. So, like thinking back to that, do you think swimming gave you certain things as a sport um that helped you sort of instill and practice on even after swimming left you throughout life? Um curious about what you think the sport of swimming did for you.

SPEAKER_02 16:28

Yes, I only I mean only after living life or having so many um incidents that came up, I realized how swimming has positively swimming, like I said, initially was just was a sport, and um then it let it you know it became like a career enabler for me, which was huge. And having that job at Philips, it basically allowed me or it helped me to get into the best engineering college in the state, which is also the college that my father went to. Okay, and and because I was uh from there, it led me to get a job at Philips, which then allowed me to travel all across Europe, which was and so many opportunities, all this because of swimming.

SPEAKER_03 17:25

Yeah, nothing else.

SPEAKER_02 17:27

Even my interview at Philips, the people who were interviewing us, they were so amazed that you know at the swimming achievements more than my academic uh, which was not much actually to be said. So we really, yes, it was early mornings. We used to swim, I think five, six kilometers morning and evening. So yeah, we woke up early, went uh and all meals were had in the car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you know, we come back also quite late, like sometimes nine, ten at night. So, so yeah, it was very intense.

SPEAKER_00 18:09

And then following up from that, I'm curious. You said you eventually leveraged swimming and got into one of these computer science schools, which is the best in the state. Yes, um curious. Were you always interested in engineering computer science? Like, when did you have time to study for computer science when you were swimming all the time, right?

SPEAKER_02 18:26

So no, no. So, you know, um, I to be honest, I didn't know what I wanted, but I was crazy about my uncle and aunt, my mom's uh brother and sister. My I think Dwarat Mama did uh electronics, uh, and then Radhikamami did computer science, so I just followed in their footsteps. I was like school to be doing computer science engineering, and also it was you know, it was available to me so easily because I was like it's because you're in sport and excelled in something, then those doors open up.

SPEAKER_01 19:13

There's a sports quota in colleges, correct, correct.

SPEAKER_02 19:15

Yeah, so those were like the hottest seats available, and there was also medicine and good medical colleges, but because of my uncle and aunt, I chose uh engineering and also my father, so yeah, it was his college. I mean, he went to the same college, so it was yeah, pretty fun.

SPEAKER_00 19:37

That makes sense. And did you also swim while you were in college, balancing like your college degree and then swimming also? Um, that must have been very tough.

SPEAKER_02 19:46

Tell us more about it, yeah, yeah. No, no. So I stopped swimming okay just before uh I started my college.

SPEAKER_00 19:56

Oh, got it, got it. Yeah, yeah. So you didn't swim while you were in college, you you just I thought it was sort of like in the US where they recruit you to swim for the team.

SPEAKER_02 20:05

No, no, no. In um Suratkal, I think there's no one is there's no pool. I studied in Bangalore, and uh there was no pool in our uh college. So I was living in Bangalore and training in Bangalore, right? At Baswangudi. So, you know, that level of training wasn't available in Bangalore. So I just yeah, it was not only the pool.

SPEAKER_00 20:31

And before we move on, I'm just curious, like a quick summary of your college experience. Now it's the first time in your life where you didn't have to wake up at 5 a.m. and swim until 7 p.m. So you must have all this newfound time to go out and have fun in college, right? How is that like?

SPEAKER_02 20:45

Yes, it was so good. My age was like suddenly freedom suddenly, and I totally enjoyed my time in Mangalore. I had cousins there and uh who were also all the same age as me, approximately like maybe one or two years older, you know, not the same age, a few years older, and they knew the inroads and where to go, what to do, and all of that. And engineering was super fun. Also, my college was right opposite the beach, so it was like a five minute you're always always surrounded by water wherever you go. Yes, that's true.

SPEAKER_01 21:30

Yeah, the other that was another plus of having a big family, right? The cousins are also close in age, yes, so uh, and you can all get into uh mischief together. Yeah, we did that a lot in my face the music together, yes, yes, all of that stuff. Um, and then Ashima, you said after those years in college, I know I feel I remember initially when you got into college, you're a good student, but you still felt you were surrounded by people who were big. Bigger nerds than you, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:02

See, but while my entire school and all of that, I just don't remember studying. Okay, it just happened by the way. There was zero study uh influence, but no nobody really, there was no important uh studying was not important in our family, okay, at least in my it was just required though, it was just something that had to be done, okay. Not like, oh, there were so many parents while swimming, uh you know, insisted on the kids getting 90s or 80s or doing well in school, but for us, there was no academic uh pressure. It's like, oh, if you're swimming and you're doing uh you know, you're winning uh national medals or get breaking records, that's more than enough. You don't really need to do anything else.

SPEAKER_01 22:53

Yeah, and so then you got to engineering and realized you had to do a little bit more work.

SPEAKER_02 22:58

No, no, so yeah, so when I got into engineering, we you know, we'd go, I was staying in the hostel there, and I was totally seeing stars with the level of math and all of that, because this was the best engineering college, so there were nerds who were the only the really good the nerds who apply who get yeah, they were the like the swimming equivalent but academically, right?

SPEAKER_00 23:25

For you, sorry, they were the swimming equivalent of you, but academically, correct, correct.

SPEAKER_02 23:30

Yeah, also these were people who aspire to get into IITs, but who don't make it and get into these RECs. Okay, so yeah, that level of uh that on the nerd spectrum, they're very high.

SPEAKER_01 23:47

Yeah, so the rankul type intelligence, yes, yeah, that's like it's crazy intelligent, yeah. So, but anyway, you made it through just like you've done everything else, you did great, and then you got a job at Philips. You said you did a lot of traveling. Um you talk a little bit more about your travels or your work?

SPEAKER_02 24:09

Yes, yes. So, Philips, uh, we had we were working with a team in Vienna, so I traveled a lot to Vienna. Amazing, amazing company to work for because they're so strong with process, and you learn I learned so much at Philips that I carried on to all the other jobs that I all the other companies I worked at, and it doesn't compare at all. So I went, yeah, so I worked uh so I was traveling to Vienna a lot and also the Netherlands uh to Eindhoven, which is uh close to Amsterdam, not you know so what happened was I would be in Vienna for three months, come back for two, three weeks, then go again for four months, come back both at Netherlands and uh Austria. It was like that. So a lot of people came, visited me at Vienna and Eindhoven, so and also we stayed at the best hotels, so there was breakfast, nice breakfast, and then lunch at office, and then so at that time, you know, we had uh this perdium that they'd give us every day, they'd give us an allowance, and I was not a big eater, so I'd save all my money for shopping, and that the minute it's Friday, Saturday, Sunday, we're out and just spending all the money that I'd and I'd you know because lunch was free, breakfast was free. Most of my colleagues would opt to stay at apartments so that they can cook and have good food and all of that, but I was not at all interested. No, I just wanted a free breakfast, uh lunch, and then I'd have a slice of pizza in the train station for dinner. That was more than enough for me, and I just saved all my money to shop and travel. So even sorry.

SPEAKER_01 26:21

No, I was saying so. Back then, too, you were spending your money wisely, which foreshadowing a little bit, some years later or more now, you've uh gotten interested in financial advising because I know one of my cousins, your aunt, said how you sat her down and said, Okay, we got to look at your finances and really helped her plan stuff well. Maybe I should sit with you next, Ashima. But tell us more about that journey, how you know the financial.

SPEAKER_02 26:53

Actually, to be honest, it came more recently, and you know, this actually Zahan was following some somebody, my son Zahan. He was following a financial influencer on Instagram. And one day when Oh, and he's how old? He's 15 now, but when he was following, he would have been, I think, eight or ten.

SPEAKER_01 27:16

Oh my gosh, Ashima.

SPEAKER_02 27:18

No, no, also no, no, not because he was just so entertaining and he his reels were quite funny and all of that. Okay, so but it was he had like a song or a ring to his uh reels, and he'd say, you know, the same thing after at the end of every reel, which was like quite and uh so Zahan introduced actually what happened was I was just at home, and Zahan told me, Mama, do you know what the difference is between a debit card and a credit card? And he rattled this whole uh explanation, and I was quite shocked for him to be to know all this, so and then he said, if you want follow my link, finance with Sharon. So, you know, this Sharon is actually a also uh Raluchiki, and he's so amazingly well. So actually, I then I started following this following him, yes, and I attended his master class, one small two-hour session, and I thought it delivered so much more than what I paid for, and I went into their longer program, so then I kind of learned a bit about how you know investing and all of that, and I found it so interesting, and I was uh, you know, and also I was working then, I had the liquidity, I mean I had the financial yeah, ability ability to start investing, so so that's what I did, and then that's all, and also actually when I started working, I was able to make a good investment in a property and an apartment that I'd bought, and so that was kind of also my investment throughout because I had to keep paying it off. So I had a for it would force me to save. Okay, yes, so but then only later on I started investing in the market, yeah, yeah, building up on it. Yes, yeah, so then I've been uh you know, I feel it's so important because I mean, now that I've stopped working, I feel like financial freedom is it's so important to work towards that goal, and you don't know it until somebody tells you, you know, or nobody taught us these things growing up. So it's not part of your school curriculum, but I think it's so important, it's way more important than history and geography and some of the other.

SPEAKER_01 30:08

I wish, yeah, no, no, geography is important, but uh just I mean it's all important, but financial important and relevant as you grow.

SPEAKER_02 30:21

Correct. So I've of course started telling Zara, and she's excellent, she's very good with money, my daughter.

SPEAKER_01 30:31

Yeah, good for you. I should take parenting tips, Ashima. I've been trying to tell my kids, but uh it's not through one year and out through the other.

SPEAKER_02 30:40

Yeah, no, no. I also uh tell some of my cousins, so you know, because they've just started working and I realized that nobody really you'll never know till somebody teaches you or tells you to forces you to do it. So yeah, I yeah, I have some cousins. We have a WhatsApp group and I tell them what to do and and how to do it basically. So yeah, so thanks, Ashimaka. I would never have thought about it for you.

SPEAKER_00 31:10

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Um it's also one of those things where, like, especially in finances, there's so many different things that you can do. It's always good to have some people around you that you can trust, bouncing ideas off and things like that, right? So that's very important. But moving on to I guess less serious about finances and more fun about romantic. We can uh we can talk about how you met Mark, who you've been married to for 20 years, and I believe you met him through Common Friends while you're working at Phillips in Bay.

SPEAKER_02 31:44

Yes, yes. So yeah, so he tell us more about that.

SPEAKER_00 31:46

I'll I'll give you the floor.

SPEAKER_02 31:48

He was uh he was he studied in Western Michigan, and he was uh he was back on a break and while I was working, and he was also, I think, working in the states, not uh he studied and then he was working there, and then he was here on holiday, and that's when I met him. So yeah, so one thing led to another, and very soon we were married.

SPEAKER_00 32:20

Oh wow, but you can't you can't just say one thing led to another, maybe give us some more details because I feel like we're skipping over something across a lot of entertainment there.

SPEAKER_02 32:28

So yes, yes, uh, if you're okay with the regular dating uh stories, going out, curfews, you know, just fun stuff.

SPEAKER_00 32:41

Was he a big athlete or anything growing up, like you were?

SPEAKER_02 32:45

No, no, he didn't he did play uh basketball and football, but uh not like uh not like us.

SPEAKER_03 32:55

No, like okay.

SPEAKER_00 32:56

If he listens to this, then he'd be like, Oh no, we train much harder, but yeah, yeah, and any uh any fun uh parental reactions when you brought up?

SPEAKER_02 33:09

He grew up in Kuwait. Okay, his parents were working in the Middle East in Kuwait, so he was born and he raised there, and then he came a lot of cousins here, so he came. Bangalore was also home for him because uh he kept coming to Bangalore to visit his cousins on holiday on during his summer break.

SPEAKER_00 33:35

But any any funny reactions when you told your parents about Mark and the and you guys were planning on getting married, or how were those initial meetings?

SPEAKER_02 33:43

Yeah, yeah. So Mark is Catholic, okay, and uh he is a he's a bit younger than me. So initially uh there was some resistance and not not dramatic, but just real it in the form of advice, you know, and uh then me, I was can trying to convince them of about I mean of what I believed in, and then you know it was back and forth like that, so yeah, eventually I convinced them and we got married, and then I think with time and his charming personality, uh all the rough we smoothened all the rough edges, and yeah, also the no no more no more advice or anything coming towards you.

SPEAKER_00 34:38

People were asking you for advice, right? On how to find a good partner, correct.

SPEAKER_02 34:43

The first initial years of marriage was super fun. See, both of us were very going out type of people, you know. Friends were we had a lot of friends, we went out a lot, so that was like very important and fun for both of us. Both of us were interested in doing those, so we those that's our common link for even all the way up to now.

SPEAKER_01 35:09

So, even a few years into marriage, it was never-ending, partying with friends and all of that, and it was fun, yes, similar interests, yeah, similar interests, and so uh back in the day, I think even in your time, Mashima, uh, arranged marriages were more the thing where parents found somebody for you. Did you have any big battles? Or how soon did you tell them about Mark?

SPEAKER_02 35:37

No, I told them see, that was never uh I I had told them, I think as soon as I had uh started seeing serious about him, yeah, yeah. And then yeah, so there was no question of uh anybody else.

SPEAKER_01 35:57

Okay, so then that leads to the the two stars in your life, um Zara and Zahan.

SPEAKER_02 36:05

Yes, so kids, yeah. So yeah, so during my early uh Philips days, we got married, and then two years into our marriage, Zahan, I mean Zara was born, and then if I go chronologically, because in my mind it's all one after the other, I was diagnosed with a brain tumor when Zara was almost two, and um yeah, so I it was a minor headache that uh just led to this diagnosis. It was nothing I didn't have any major symptoms, it was just really minor. We were supposed to go out for go to Thailand for a friend's birthday, and I was having these headaches, which you know didn't uh which I was wondering whether I'm gonna be up, you know, up to going out and traveling, and so then um when I told our family doctor Royaca, he said I think scan just to be on the safer side. So then when I did, then we just found out.

SPEAKER_01 37:14

Okay, and then and it's been a long journey.

SPEAKER_02 37:18

It has, it has, yeah. So immediately it was like, oh, you have to have the surgery immediately. So I had my first surgery then, and um a little po a little after that, so we we decided to have Zahan. So he was he's adopted, but and he's been like the greatest uh it's been the best decision we made and also the greatest gift to us. So yeah, so the butsuhand the tumor part, uh so the tumor, see I'm I think my personality, I didn't overthink these things. So I so the first I it was just something in my head that I didn't really need to think about. I mean, didn't think about till I really needed to. Do you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_01 38:17

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 38:18

So for the first seven years, I don't think I thought about it for more than seven seconds. So after no life was normal, it was uh family, friends, work, vacations, kids. It was like yeah, it was very normal, and I really didn't, it was just something in my head, didn't bother me at all. So, yeah, that was that. After seven years, then I had started having seizures. So then I had to go in for my second surgery, followed by radiation and chemo, which uh which was like I said, not I mean, it was I'd say it chemo and radiation wasn't too hard on me, it was okay. And um I mean there were of course there were uh you know minor uh minor issues, discomforts, like maybe drug allergies or some deficits. Like I like after my second surgery, I um I had uh problem issues with balance. So walking was a bit uh not majorly, but you know, with soon with walking more and more, it kind of became it was normal, it was not it didn't it didn't really disturb my yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 39:47

Then and I think that again talk speaks to your strength, and I ashram. I really don't want to take you through every step of it, just you know, no, no, no, it's perfectly fine. Okay, because I know some people are more private about uh things and that they face, but uh uh you like you say are so chill, you just took everything in stride, and I don't think the outside person would even know that you were dealing with any of this, like you know, the kids had you completely uh 100%.

SPEAKER_02 40:21

Yeah, yeah. No, it was also not uh I mean it wasn't bad for me, honestly. I'm not uh exaggerating, but it was it was not so bad. So anyway, then after seven years, so I got another good seven years, after which they found a small recurrence, and again I had this was in 2024, Jan 20, early 2024. So then I went in, that was my I went in for my third surgery, followed by radiation and chemo at that time, and um yes, so that was that, but then not so when I said earlier, I said that you know, swimming and my family showed up for me consistently at every point. So, here in my 15-year uh tumor journey, of course, you know, I can't I was the not star of the show, but you know, I was the center of everything because I was a patient and uh everybody people focus on understandably, people focus on the patient, but such a long illness, like you know, 15 years, uh affects the entire family. So the sacrifices uh of the supporting caste often go unnoticed. So, here I'd like to talk about Mark mainly, who's had to sacrifice a lot of his plans and dreams and put all of those on a back burner to a certain extent. Also, he's had to carry this uncertainty for 15 years, and also while making sure family life continues, considering my, you know, always like birthdays, uh anniversaries, events, kids, everything, all of that, managing all of that while still considering my health. So all that had to go on, and he had to make sure uh it went on. So I thought the other thing is my kids have had to change um when they shouldn't have had to. Like, for example, Zaka always wanted to go to study abroad in the States, but she decided she wanted to be close to me, and that is, I mean, that's the reason she uh, you know, she picked a school in India so and made it her favorite school. So I'm I mean, I'm happy about that, but you know, it wasn't her initially. I think she wanted to go abroad, so she's had to change. Also, uh, Zahan, he would have loved to uh go down and play with the building kids, but he, you know, he was he's like when I say he's the greatest gift, I have so many zahan stories. But um, so he'd, you know, instead of going down to play, he'd hang out with me just in case I needed to take the stairs, or he insisted on being there. Every time I had to take the stairs up or come down, he was there standing at the top or at the bottom of the staircase with his hand out. So yeah, he and he was. All of five at that after my second surgery, he was only five, and he would uh do that, and that was like totally something else. His EQ is off the charts.

SPEAKER_01 44:11

So I think it's testimony to what you've done and the extended family, what he's seen around him, Ashima.

SPEAKER_02 44:18

Yes, yes. No, but you know, uh Lalu Chiki, he is, you know, it is his personality. Initially, he was just kind, and yeah, the point that you know, even if it was his favorite uh chocolate, favorite whatever at three years old, four years old, he would give it all to you, even if it was a nice bite and you asked him, he was like, Yeah, you can have it. So it's uh so initially we were like, Oh, he's super kind, but then he's just so aware of who needs what. I have people in the building coming up to me saying, you know, your son is an 80-year-old uh uncle's and uh they come up and say, Your son is some totally something else when you when it's raining, he insists on holding my hand and taking me all the way, dropping me off at my apartment. So yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's he's really off, and you know, oh yeah, his EQ is amazing.

SPEAKER_00 45:23

No, that's incredible. And over the last, sorry, I was gonna say you talked uh you talked a lot about your family being the sort of supporting pillar throughout your journey. Yes, um, but you also talked about swimming. Did you swim a lot when you were going through all these treatments and everything? No, no, no.

SPEAKER_02 45:39

So, okay, so when let me just finish about my family. So, my parents also, I mean, of course, my parents were totally stressed about stressed out about this, they never really showed it uh at the expense of their own health. So now they have some health issues, and I think it was because I had totally stressed them out. They didn't show it, they didn't speak about it at all. But like I said, it takes a toll on everybody. Also, the other thing is my in-laws, my in-laws check up on me ever so often. Also, my siblings have to be are on high alert whenever I call. And since they are upstairs and downstairs, they are always there whether I need to talk or walk because I need assistance for with both. I cannot begin to talk, thank the hundreds of hundreds of friends and family who have included me in their prayers and or called me and just to ask me how I'm doing. Every time I go, I step out, if there are so many people who say, I'm praying for you, I'm doing this, I'm doing thing, and I'm beyond grateful for all of those things. It's just crazy how you know, just so many people, so many well-wishers. Yes. So that was how family showed up, and like I said, swimming also showed up for me. I least expected it, but it was the most important. So all the years of training, Siddhan, sorry, you know, my brain was wired to never not give up. My it was wired to um show up, even I mean, my brain was wired to show up, trust that my body would show up even though it was broken. So it was like, yeah, you know, no matter how tired you are, you have to do, I would have to show up for that one more lap, one more surgery, one more uh radiation session, one more uh chemo cycle. So it was like that. I couldn't, I mean, it was just wired. Okay, so it was just something that I didn't have to try very hard. It was like muscle memory.

SPEAKER_00 48:19

Yeah, that makes sense. It's almost like when you were when you dropped back in the water, you go back to your childhood memories of working like five plus hours in the water, right? So it just shows you what your body is capable of, yes.

SPEAKER_02 48:31

Um, no matter how terrible you're feeling, no matter how you just have to show up, you know, you just have to be ready for the next step.

SPEAKER_00 48:44

Challenge, exactly.

SPEAKER_02 48:47

So that was what helped me navigate both my family and swimming.

SPEAKER_00 48:52

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 48:53

I think having that sorry, no, go ahead, go ahead. No, no, so it's not like you know, that I had to carry this. This was my tumor journey. It was, you know, it was everybody who carried me through this. So, do you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_00 49:10

It's not just me, it's a combined effort from it, yeah, certainly a combined effort.

SPEAKER_02 49:21

I think it's always the case, no, yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 49:24

Yeah, um, yeah, so we've done a full uh a full audit of your life, right? Starting from swimming at seven years old to now um like now you have two kids and everything, right? So it's a it's a full journey cycle. Um curious about the different traits that you've developed within yourself, whether it's discipline through swimming, whether it's through perseverance through your cancer journey, things like that. But what do you want your kids, Zara and Zahan, and even the next generation, take away from your life and learn um things that you believe that you do really well and you would want to pass on to the next generation?

SPEAKER_02 50:03

You know, I thought um no, see, I thought having swump so much, I would be more disciplined and I'd have all those amazing qualities. But it just strangely turns out that you know, I wasn't I'm not a I'm not I didn't become that it didn't turn me into this person that uh had uh crazy discipline in everyday life. You know, I'm I'm quite uh chilled out person, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 50:37

Which is I mean, which is also has its value too, right? I mean, you sort of it it just by talking to you, I feel like you uh you just go with the waves of life and you don't react too strongly, but uh whenever when waves happen, you have a strong willingness to cut through, right?

SPEAKER_02 50:56

So I think uh also Sidan, so when I don't lead with panic, okay. So when when I get bad news, I'm not freaking out, I'm not uh uh crying, I'm not you know, that's not my first reaction. Um there's no I don't panic. So I just listen, have a think about it, try to understand, and then maybe read a bit now. There's access to so much information, so you know you can understand better what is the next thing, what is the prognosis, whatever, and then uh go ahead with the things, sound it out to your uh doctors, or your doctors, of course, already know. So yeah, so I give myself time to think, have a think, and then respond.

SPEAKER_00 51:51

Yeah, I think that's extremely valuable. Not leading with panic, giving yourself a second to um bring yourself together and then react appropriately is especially now, it's it's very important to do, right?

SPEAKER_02 52:03

So but also you know, with so much information now, it's so so easy to panic, yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, to not panic.

SPEAKER_00 52:14

To not panic, yeah. Sorry, I mean it can go both ways, right? Too much information can be an overload, and then they can go the opposite way too. So uh but, anyways, really enjoyed the conversation.

SPEAKER_02 52:26

Also, you have to look at the positives. I mean, the these are like basic things that everybody knows, but you have to put it into practice, you have to look at the positive side of everything. Okay, so for example, I'm just an example. After my second surgery, I lost sensation on my left side. Okay, so you know, like, yeah, okay, I lost sensation, I can't hold a spoon, I can't do this, I can't do that. I had balance issues and all of that, but it was good because also because you know, when I did my eyebrows and uh upper lip, it wouldn't hurt at all, so you know, because I had no sensation, so that was like amazing, and there are so many several other little things that yeah, there's always a flip side to the positive, right? Yes, yeah. No, there's so many things. I mean, you can't afford to look at the thing, and then you know, you don't overthink these things, just yeah, get on with all the fun things, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 53:34

Yeah, awesome. Well, this was uh great to hear your story. It's always nice to connect to a fellow swimmer. So uh thank you, Ashiman.

SPEAKER_02 53:41

Yeah, yeah, all the best with all your iron.

SPEAKER_03 53:46

Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_01 53:47

Yes, yeah, Ashima, thank you. Just listening to you talk. It's funny, it takes me back to your grandparents on both sides, I think. Strong people, uh, silent sometimes, your parents, just that blend of perseverance and coping with everything that comes their way. So um, I just see that in you. You're amazing, like I said when I started, and I've learned so much more that makes me even more uh, you know, and Siddhanta knows I am.

SPEAKER_02 54:17

Thank you, Lalu Chiki, for your kind, kind words.

SPEAKER_01 54:21

I am the one that tears up for everything. So there were a few moments I had to do.

SPEAKER_02 54:25

No, but Siddhan just asked me, right? What would I like my kids to uh you know to not learn from I think I think uh being patient is super important.

SPEAKER_01 54:37

I think patience is yeah, it is so as we finish up, Arshima. I just want to say thank you again. And uh as you go through the rest of your journey, you know, uh do it with the same attitude, go with the flow. Sorry, go with the flow and know that we're all here with it.

SPEAKER_02 54:58

Yes, yes, yes. Thank you, thanks so much. Bye-bye. Yeah,