The Myth of the Perfect Christian Personality

Do you ever feel like being a “good Christian” means becoming quieter, calmer, less emotional, less messy… or just less you?

In this episode of Divine Shenanigans, Brynn talks about the pressure to fit into the “perfect Christian personality” and why holiness is not the same thing as performance. Through humor, personal stories, community experiences, Scripture, and real-life faith conversations, this episode unpacks the difference between spiritual growth and personality suppression.

We’ll talk about Peter’s impulsiveness, Paul’s intensity, David’s emotional honesty, Martha’s misunderstood personality, and the truth that God refines people—He doesn’t erase them.

If you’ve ever felt “too much,” “not enough,” emotionally messy, awkward, loud, quiet, intense, anxious, sarcastic, sensitive, or just human… this episode is for you.

Plus, Brynn shares the behind-the-scenes story behind this week’s Song of the Week: Holy Mess, Still Blessed by Brynn Elise, a reminder that you can still be healing, growing, messy, and deeply loved by God at the same time. The full song plays at the end of the episode.

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God bless you, my friend… and remember:
 You do not have to become less yourself to become more faithful.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:24

Hey y'all, welcome back to Divine Shenanigans. I am so glad you're here today. Whether you're listening while folding laundry, pretending to answer emails, sitting in your car avoiding responsibility for just five more minutes, or hiding in the bathroom for some peace and quiet. Welcome. You're among friends here. This is Divine Shenanigans, the place where we talk about faith in real life. Not the polished version, not the filtered version, not the I definitely have it all together and my quiet time starts at 4 30 a.m. with a candle and a Hebrew lexicon version. No, we talk about the real version, the messy version, the honest version, the I love Jesus, but I also just cried because the grocery store was out of my emotional support snack version. And today, we're talking about something that has quietly wrecked a lot of people's peace in the church without ever being called out properly. The myth of the perfect Christian personality. You know what I mean? That unspoken idea that once you became a Christian, you're supposed to suddenly become one very specific kind of person. Calm, gentle, soft spoken, never awkward, never frustrated, never loud, never emotional, never sarcastic, never anxious, never tired, never weird, never human, apparently. As if sanctification means becoming spiritually beige. And listen, I love peace. I love gentleness, I love kindness, I love self-control. But somewhere along the way, a lot of us got handed a personality template and told it was holiness. And it wasn't holiness, it was performance. And there is a difference. So today we're going to talk about the difference between holiness and image management, transformation and personality suppression, spiritual growth and spiritual cosplay. We're going to talk about what Scripture actually says, what Jesus actually modeled, why God is not trying to erase your personality, and why becoming more like Christ does not mean becoming less like yourself. So grab your coffee, grab your tea, grab your emotional support water bottle, and let's get into this. Alright, let me tell you a story. Because nothing says teaching moment like me spiritually malfunctioning in public. For a long time I genuinely thought maturity in Christ meant becoming less me. And I don't mean less selfish, less reactive, less prideful, those things. Absolutely, we should all be doing less of that. I mean I thought being a good Christian woman meant becoming less opinionated, less funny, less loud, less expressive, less honest, less intense, less visible. I thought holiness meant shrinking. I thought if I was really becoming godly, I'd become softer in all the socially acceptable ways. Not softer in heart, softer in volume, not gentler in spirit, just quieter in personality. And for years I confused being easy to digest with being spiritually mature. That is a wildly dangerous thing to do. Because I started editing myself in rooms where God had never asked me to shrink. I became hyper aware of how I sounded, how I laughed, how quickly I spoke, how strongly I felt, how directly I said things. I thought if people were uncomfortable with me, it meant I was doing Christianity wrong. And maybe sometimes I was immature, sure. But sometimes sometimes people were just uncomfortable with a woman who loved Jesus and also had a personality. And those are not the same thing. I spent a lot of years trying to become pleasant enough to be considered holy. And what I learned the hard way is this. You can become more acceptable to people and less honest before God at the same time. Ooh, that one's deep. That'll preach. Because some of us have spent years trying to become more Christian when what we were really doing was becoming more palatable. And those are not the same transformation. God will absolutely refine your character, but he is not asking you to become a religious cardboard cutout with no edges, no spark, no voice, and no actual humanity. That is not spiritual maturity. That is branding. And some of us have been trying to survive inside a personality costume for years, and we are tired. And listen, I know that I am not the only one. Because y'all send me messages. And Lord, the church drama, the personality shame, the I thought I had to become a completely different human to be lovable by God's stories? We need to talk about it. One woman wrote in and said, I spent years believing my personality was the problem. I'm naturally bold, expressive, and direct. I was constantly told I needed to be more gentle. But what they meant was quieter. It took me years to realize I wasn't too much. I was just inconvenient for people who preferred compliant women. Come on with that one. Another one said I thought being a good Christian meant never being angry, so I buried everything. I smiled through hurt, stayed quiet through mistreatment, and called it grace. It wasn't grace, it was fear. That one right there I think hits for all of us. Another person wrote in, said I'm introted and quiet, and for years I felt like I was failing spiritually because I wasn't outgoing enough to shine for Jesus the way everyone else seemed to. Turns out God was never asking me to be louder. He was asking me to be faithful. And that is exactly it. Some of us were told we were too much. Some of us were told we were not enough. Some were told we were too loud. Others were told they were too quiet, too emotional, too reserved, too intense, too sensitive, too serious, too funny, too ambitious, too thoughtful, too opinionated, and too awkward. Oh yeah, I could go on. It is almost like the problem was never your personality. It was people trying to make your humanity easier for them to manage. And unfortunately, religion can become a really efficient tool for that. If people can make personality conformity sound spiritual, they can control people while calling it disciplineship. That's not conviction. That's image control in a church outfit. And some of y'all have been trying to recover from that for years. So let's go to scripture. Because if we're going to tear down this myth that holiness equals having one acceptable Christian personality, then we need to do what we always do around here. Take the churchy assumptions, hold them up to Scripture, and lovingly ask, okay, but did God actually say that? Or did Miss Margaret from the Church Potluck just say it confidently? And no disrespect to Miss Margaret. Miss Margaret makes a phenomenal casserole. But casserole confidence and biblical accuracy are not always the same thing. So let's go to the word. Because Scripture does not teach personality erasure. Scripture teaches surrender, refinement, transformation, maturity, fruit. But it never says holiness requires becoming emotionally beige and spiritually predictable. God is not building clones, he's building a body, and that matters. Let's start in Romans. Romans twelve four eight. Paul says for just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function. So in Christ we, through many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts according to the grace given to each of us. Let's pause right there. Different gifts, different functions, different expressions, same God, same spirit, same body, different wiring. That means God did not create spiritual maturity to look identical in every believer. He created spiritual maturity to look surrendered in every believer. That is not the same thing, because surrendered and identical are two very different things. A surrendered extrovert will not look like a surrendered introvert. A surrendered thinker will not look like a surrendered feeler. A surrendered leader will not look like a surrendered helper. A surrendered bold person will not look like a surrendered quiet person. But both can be holy. That matters because church culture has often confused sameness with sanctification. If everybody behaves the same, sounds the same, emotes the same, responds the same, and carries themselves the same, we call that maturity. But scripture calls that suspicious. Because bodies are not built that way. Paul says the body has many parts because it needs many parts. And if every part tried to become the same part, the body would stop functioning. Imagine a body made entirely of elbows. Committed, maybe. Useful not remotely. Terrifying? Absolutely. That is what happens when the church starts rewarding one personality type and calling it holiness. You do not get maturity. You get uniform dysfunction. And some of us have spent years trying to become the church approved elbow. Meanwhile, God made us a hand or a knee or a loudmouth. And yes, some of us were absolutely made to be the mouth. That is biblical and inconvenient for some people, but it's still biblical. Then Paul doubles down in Corinthians twelve, fourteen through twenty. Even so, the body is not made up of one part, but of many. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? But in fact, God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them just as he wanted them to be, as he wanted them to be. That line matters more than most of us realize, because a lot of us have spent years apologizing for traits God intentionally built into us. Now let's be clear, not every instinct is holy, not every habit is healthy, not every defense mechanism is personality. Some things are wounds, some things are pride, some things are trauma in a trench coat pretending to be discernment. Let's be honest. But your God given design, your natural bent, your way of seeing, your way of processing, your way of carrying compassion, conviction, wisdom, humor, insight, creativity, justice, tenderness? That was not an accident. It needs disciplineship, not deletion. It needs maturity, not erasure. God does not sanctify us by replacing our humanity with a church approved operating system. He sanctifies us by teaching our humanity how to submit to the Spirit. That is very different. Now let's talk about fruit Galatians five, twenty two through twenty three. Because this is where people get confused. Galatians says the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. And people often read that like it means become vague, quiet, emotionally muted, endlessly agreeable, and impossible to offend. That is not what it says. Fruit is not personality replacement. Fruit is evidence of spiritual maturity, and maturity will shape your personality, but it should not erase it. Gentleness is not the absence of boldness. It is boldness under control. Peace is not emotional flatlining. It is steadiness anchored in God. Joy is not performative positivity. It is rooted delight, even when life is hard. Self-controlled is not becoming robotic. It is learning not to let every emotion drive the car. The fruit of the Spirit does not make you less human. It makes you healthier in your humanity. And some of us were taught fruit meant becoming easier to manage. But biblical fruit does not make you easier to control. It makes you more like Christ. And Christ was not exactly easy to control. That part gets skipped a lot. Ephesians two ten. It says, For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. God's handiwork, not God's mass production. Handiwork is intentional, personal, detailed, specific, designed. You are not spiritually valuable once you become generic. You are spiritually formed because God is intentional and what He made, He intends to mature. Not flatten, not erase, not shame into conformity. Now let's look at the people God actually used. Because if church culture had screened some of these folks before letting them serve, half of the Bible would have been rejected for tone. And honestly, that should encourage all of us. Because God has always had a long history of using people who were spiritually sincere and personally a lot, which is comforting for me, and maybe for you too. Peter is one of my favorite examples because Peter loved Jesus with his whole chest and absolutely no emotional regulation. Peter was bold, impulsive, passionate, protective, quick to speak, quick to react, quick to panic, quick to promise things he emotionally could not sustain. Peter was a human embodiment of I've got this, followed almost immediately by I do not in fact have this. Relatable. Peter is a disciple who jumps out of the boat because he sees Jesus walking on water, which is both inspiring and wildly unwell. Who does that? Well, Peter. Peter sees Jesus and says, If that's you, call me out there. And then he does it. That is faith and also chaos. Peter is also the disciple who tells Jesus he will never go to the cross. Peter rebukes the Son of God. Imagine loving Jesus so much you accidentally correct him. That is Peter. Then at the Last Supper, Peter says, even if everyone else falls away, I won't. And Jesus basically says, Oh yeah, that's adorable. Hours later, Peter denies even knowing him. And yet, after resurrection, Jesus does not replace Peter. He restores him. That is the part I love. Jesus did not say Peter, you are too impulsive, too emotional, too intense, I need someone calmer. No. He took Peter's fire and gave it formation. Peter still preached boldly in Acts, still spoke directly, still led with conviction. He still had fire, but now the fire had maturity. That is sanctification. God did not erase Peter's intensity. He taught it how to love. Then there's Paul. Paul was not gentle in a way modern church culture often means it. Paul was intense, highly intelligent, deeply confrontational, ridiculously direct, passionate to the point of occasionally sounding like he was one inconvenience away from flipping a table in cursive. Paul wrote entire sections of scripture that read like sanctified side eye. He loved deeply, but he absolutely would send a letter. And in those letters, Paul corrected churches, rebuked foolishness, confronted hypocrisy, challenged leadership, and routinely said some version of I say this in love, but what on earth are y'all doing? And yet Paul was deeply spiritual, not because he was soft in tone, because he was surrendered in motive. There's a difference. Paul's intensity was not removed, it was redeemed. His mind was still sharp, his convictions still strong, his word still direct. But now they serve the kingdom instead of his ego. That is what maturity does. It does not remove your edge, it teaches your edge to serve love. Then there's David. David was so emotionally expressive. He basically wrote the original therapy journal, and we turned it into scripture. The Psalms are not emotionally restrained. David is all over the place. One chapter he's like, God, you're faithful and glorious. Next chapter, where are you and why have you abandoned me? And then you are my refuge. Then break the teeth of my enemies. David had range, and yet Scripture calls him a man after God's own heart. Not because he was emotionally tidy. Because he was emotionally honest before God. David did not sanitize himself in prayer. He brought the whole mess. And God met him there. That is deeply important. For those of us who were taught spirituality means emotional repression. David proves otherwise. God is not asking for emotional performance. He is asking for honest surrender. Then we get to Martha and Mary. Martha gets preached like she was just spiritually inferior because she was stressed, which feels rude. Martha was practical, capable, service oriented, responsible, task focused. Mary was contemplative, still, present, reflective. Jesus did not say Martha's personality was the problem. He said her anxiety was. And that is different. Martha was not wrong for being practical. She was overwhelmed and distracted. Jesus corrected the anxiety. Not the wiring. That matters. Because some of y'all are Martha's and have spent years feeling spiritually less than because you love through doing. That's not lesser. It just needs peace. So what do we see? Again and again and again. God uses different personalities, different temperaments, different expressions, different people. But in every case, he does the same thing. He does not erase them. He refines them. And that is the difference. God is not asking you to become less yourself. He is asking you to become more surrendered within yourself. That is the invitation. And that is where freedom starts. So what does this mean for us? It means some of us have been trying to fix things God is trying to refine. So let's make this practical. Because if this only sounds encouraging but doesn't change how we live by Tuesday, then we're just doing inspirational arts and crafts. So how can we implement this into our daily life? Stop confusing conviction with personality shame. Conviction says that reaction was prideful. Shame says your whole personality is the problem. One invites growth, the other invites self erasure. Learn the difference. Let God refine your traits instead of rejecting them. Your boldness may need tenderness. Your tenderness may need boundaries. Your humor may need wisdom. Your seriousness may need joy. Your sensitivity may need grounding. Your independence may need surrender. Refinement is not rejection. Stop trying to become spiritually palatable. Not everyone will like your personality. This is not always a spiritual issue. Sometimes it's just preference. You are not called to be universally digestible. You are called to be faithful. Let fruit grow in your personality, not instead of it. The fruit of the spirit is not personality replacement. It is spirit led maturity inside your actual humanity. Gentle does not mean silent. Does not mean passive. Peaceful does not mean personality free. Joyful does not mean fake. Self control does not mean emotionally absent. Become holy, not hollow. Some people became more acceptable and less alive. And this is not holiness. Holiness should make you more honest, more grounded, more free, more loving, more real. Not flatter, not faker, not smaller. Alright, y'all, you know what time it is. Grab your journal, open the notes app, write it on a receipt in your purse, whatever works for you, it is time for holy homework. This week I want you to ask yourself, what parts of my personality have I been taught to shame instead of surrender? And this week, when you catch yourself apologizing for something God is refining, not condemning, pause and ask yourself, does this need surrender? Or have I just been taught to be smaller? That question will preach all by itself. Alright, before we close, let's talk about this week's song of the week. Because this one this one is for the people who love God and are still a little bit of a work in progress, which is all of us. Convenient, huh? The song of the week, holy mess, still bless, is deeply personal, wildly honest, and if I am being completely truthful, written for every single one of us who have ever loved Jesus and still had an emotionally questionable Tuesday. And listen, this one is for people who are still healing, still growing, still overthinking, still trying, still apologizing too much, still talking to God in the car like, I know I just prayed about this, but emotionally I'd like to circle back. This song is for people who love God deeply and are still very much in process. Because the truth is a lot of us have been taught to believe that being blessed should look cleaner than this, more polished, more put together, more emotionally stable, more spiritually impressive. Like if we were really growing, we'd be calmer by now, more disciplined by now, less reactive by now, less messy by now. And yes, growth matters. Sometimes along the way many of us started believing that if we were still struggling, still sorting through old wounds, still learning emotional maturity, still wrestling through fear, then maybe we were failing spiritually. And that is exactly the lie this song was written to confront. Because being in process does not mean being disqualified. Being messy does not mean being unloved. Being human does not mean being less holy. That is the heartbeat of this song. I wanted this one to sound like real life, like grace in sneakers, mercy with coffee in its hand, worship for people who love God but are still working on their tone in traffic. So I wrote it from that place, not from perfection, from process. And honestly, that is why this song means so much to me. Because this one is less about pretending you've arrived, and more about letting God love you while you're still becoming. It has that soft folk warmth to it, the kind that feels less like performance and more like being gently reminded that God is not keeping score the way fear does. And I think that is why this song matters to me so much. Because it is not just about being a mess. It is about being loved in the middle of it, not excused, not abandoned, not shamed, loved. And that is the part so many of us are still learning. So if today's episode hit somewhere for you, if you've been carrying the weight of trying to become spiritually acceptable instead of spiritually honest, if you've been quietly assuming God must be disappointed in how unfinished you still are, this song is for you. Holy mess, still bless, is your reminder that sanctification is not the same thing as performance. You do not have to be flawless to be faithful. You do not have to be polished to be loved. You do not have to become less human to become more holy. You can still be becoming, still be healing, still be learning, still be a little chaotic, and still be deeply loved by God. The full song will play at the very end of today's episode, so please stick around for it. And if you want to listen again later, watch the lyric video, or send it to a friend who needs a reminder that God still loves them in the middle of the mess, you can find it over on my YouTube channel. It's now called Brittany Lee's Worship and Words. So stay with me through the end. Let this one play and let it remind you you can still be a holy mess and still blessed. Alright, my friends, let's pray together. Lord, thank you for being a God who does not ask us to become fake in order to become faithful. Thank you for never asking us to perform holiness while hiding our humanity. Thank you for creating each of us with intention, with personality, with uniqueness, with design, with purpose. And thank you that sanctification is not erasure. Thank you that you refine us without rejecting us. Correct us without humiliating us. Grow us without shaming us. Teach us where we need to surrender. Teach us where we need wisdom. Teach us where we need gentleness. Teach us where we need growth. But also teach us where we have mistaken personality shame for holiness. Untangle us from performance. Untangle us from image management. Untangle us from fear-based religion. Teach us how to become more like Christ without becoming less honest, less human, less whole. Help us become holy, not hollow, faithful, not performative, transformed, not erased. And for the one listening today who has spent years believing that they were too much or not enough, remind them now they are loved, they are seen, they are still becoming, and they are not behind. We love you, Lord. In Jesus' name. Amen. Alright, my friend, thank you so much for spending time with me today. I hope that this episode reminded you that God is not asking you to become a less interesting person in order to become a more faithful one. He is not trying to erase you. He is teaching you how to become whole. And that is very different. If this episode encouraged you, send it to a friend who has been trying way too hard to become spiritually accepted instead of spiritually honest. And if you're watching on YouTube, make sure you subscribe right now to Divine Shenanigans for weekly episodes, daily encouragement, and all the faith-filled chaos we can fit into the week. Come join us in the Divine Shenanigans School community. It is completely free, and our brand new Daily Shenanigans Bible study started May 1st, which means you are absolutely not too late. So jump in with us. And make sure you're subscribed to the Substack for monthly newsletters, encouragement, reflections, and all those extra shenanigans we don't fit in here. And don't forget to head over to Brittany Lee's Worship and Words on YouTube after this. Or just stay right here and let today's full song play at the end. Holy mess, still blessed. God bless you, my friend. Keep learning, keep growing, keep laughing, and keep showing up messy. And I'll see you right back here next time for more Divine Shenanigans.

SPEAKER_00 35:26

The quiet faith, the tidy life. Say the right things, smile on cue, make it look like I've got truth. But grace has never asked me once to clean it up before I come. God's not awaiting at the door for some shinier version of my heart. I'm still learning how to live this. Still a little rough around the edges. I'm a holy mess, still blessed, still in progress, still a yes, a little worn, a little wild, still held close like Ama's child. Not too loud, not too much, not too broken for his love. I may not be picture perfect, but I'm a holiness, still blessed. I've had doubts dressed up like faith. Questions I was scared to say. Days I barely made it through, and called surviving, getting through, but heaven ever turned away. From tired hearts with honest stake, and mercies never needed me to be anything but real. I'm still growing into grace, still becoming day by day. I'm a holy mess, still blessed, still in progress, still yes. A little worn, a little wild, still held close like I'm his child. Not too loud, not too much, not too broken for his love. I may not be pictured perfect, but I'm a holiness, still blessed, not finished, not failing, still held in the making, not flawless, not fearless, still fully staying sacred, not hard, not pretty, still I've driven in the middle of the work of the wreck, holy mess, still blessed. I'm a holiness, still blessed, still in progress, still yes, a little worn, a little wild, still held close like I'm his child. Not too loud, not too much, not too broken for his love. I may not be pictured perfect, but I'm a holiness, still blessed. A little on a little eyes, still health clothes, still his child. Still blessed.