WEBVTT 00:00:00.320 --> 00:00:02.959 We started a new series last week. 00:00:03.279 --> 00:00:04.639 It's a series. 00:00:04.879 --> 00:00:06.639 Yeah, it's a series. 00:00:08.880 --> 00:00:15.519 Um I started off by I guess trying to scare you straight or scare us straight. 00:00:15.839 --> 00:00:17.120 Is that a thing? 00:00:17.440 --> 00:00:27.199 I talked about this idea that says when we're in relationship with other humans and we're unskillful, we're toxic, we're something. 00:00:28.399 --> 00:00:33.600 That thing goes into the long-term memory of the people in our lives. 00:00:35.200 --> 00:00:40.320 I told a story about how one time years ago, I don't even remember what happened. 00:00:40.960 --> 00:00:45.200 I wanted to get something, I wanted Jeff to buy into something. 00:00:46.399 --> 00:00:48.399 And so I said, hey, we're gonna do this. 00:00:48.560 --> 00:00:49.119 Yeah, yeah. 00:00:49.200 --> 00:00:49.359 Okay. 00:00:49.439 --> 00:00:50.240 And then we'll do this. 00:00:50.320 --> 00:00:50.719 Yeah, yeah. 00:00:50.799 --> 00:00:51.679 Okay, we'll do this. 00:00:51.840 --> 00:00:52.640 Okay, yeah, yeah. 00:00:52.719 --> 00:00:53.920 Okay, we'll do this. 00:00:55.679 --> 00:00:59.520 Then a couple weeks later, he was like, Hey, why are we doing that? 00:00:59.679 --> 00:01:00.399 I was like, Oh. 00:01:02.000 --> 00:01:07.439 I snuck that underneath those things and got you to say yes to it almost by proxy. 00:01:11.840 --> 00:01:13.359 From that day on. 00:01:16.879 --> 00:01:17.359 Let's do this. 00:01:17.439 --> 00:01:18.400 Can you buy into this? 00:01:18.719 --> 00:01:19.760 I get this. 00:01:24.000 --> 00:01:28.480 That's what happens when you do something. 00:01:29.200 --> 00:01:31.920 I'll be charitable, unskillful. 00:01:33.840 --> 00:01:41.280 It gets stuck in somebody's long-term memory, and now their memory basically watches you against that thing and just keeps checking. 00:01:41.439 --> 00:01:42.799 Is it close to that thing? 00:01:43.120 --> 00:01:45.359 Part of your brain is called a primitive, it just keeps looking. 00:01:45.439 --> 00:01:46.879 Yep, wait, that's like that. 00:01:47.200 --> 00:01:48.480 Danger, stop. 00:01:50.159 --> 00:01:51.680 That was Jeff doing this. 00:01:54.719 --> 00:02:14.080 If you have a relationship in your life where there's no fly zones, you know, the topics you don't talk about, the things you pretend didn't happen, chances are that's a long-term memory, something stuck in there, and their brain's constantly checking against that, going, wait a second, we're close to that thing that hurt me. 00:02:14.319 --> 00:02:15.520 You hurt me. 00:02:17.840 --> 00:02:27.520 I said, if you were doing unskillful things in your life right now, you're sending the problems of your life to the future. 00:02:27.680 --> 00:02:30.240 You can you throw up the picture for me when you have a second? 00:02:30.960 --> 00:02:37.599 This is the part of me who most of my problems get taken care of by that guy, or at least get sent to that guy. 00:02:37.680 --> 00:02:39.280 He doesn't like me very much. 00:02:39.680 --> 00:02:48.159 Because by the time the stuff gets to him, he's looking at me going, You idiot, why didn't you just do it right the first time instead of sending it to me and making me deal with it? 00:02:49.680 --> 00:03:01.680 But somehow we think that future us, and we all have a future us, goes to the gym more than we do, eats healthier than we do, is more skillful in relationships than we do, is better with money than we are. 00:03:03.039 --> 00:03:04.639 He'll take care of it. 00:03:06.879 --> 00:03:08.560 I said in this series. 00:03:10.479 --> 00:03:22.479 Let's behave in a way that future us and future people around us say thank you. 00:03:24.000 --> 00:03:26.080 Thank you for being skillful. 00:03:27.759 --> 00:03:34.879 Thank you for taking care of things in a way that doesn't get stuck in long-term memory and then comes back and haunts us for 15 years. 00:03:35.039 --> 00:03:37.840 Me and Jeff fought about that one for 15 years. 00:03:39.199 --> 00:03:40.639 Everything was harder. 00:03:42.240 --> 00:03:44.000 Because I was unskillful. 00:03:45.360 --> 00:03:51.599 Future Vince was like, seriously, if we have to fight over this one more time, I swear I'm gonna cry. 00:03:53.680 --> 00:04:12.479 And yet, in moments of frustration, in moments of being triggered, in moments of anger, in moments of people pleasing, you can feel that. 00:04:13.439 --> 00:04:15.599 I'll just send it to future me. 00:04:17.199 --> 00:04:18.800 They can deal with it. 00:04:21.519 --> 00:04:23.920 I heard a story about someone just the other day. 00:04:24.319 --> 00:04:29.279 Long-term friend comes to them, says, uh, we're done. 00:04:30.480 --> 00:04:32.240 Like 30-year friendship. 00:04:33.439 --> 00:04:35.279 Walked up to the person and was like, we're done. 00:04:35.360 --> 00:04:36.079 We're not friends anymore. 00:04:36.160 --> 00:04:39.759 And you're like, What do you mean? 00:04:40.639 --> 00:04:42.240 I've known you for 30 years. 00:04:42.399 --> 00:04:45.519 There's like you don't just you can't just end that. 00:04:46.879 --> 00:04:48.879 The friend was like, no, we are done. 00:04:51.759 --> 00:05:03.279 Future me looks at you, and all I see is wounding, taking advantage of me, treating me like crap. 00:05:05.519 --> 00:05:13.279 And suddenly we realize there's a moment, there's there's part of it that sends us to future us, but future us also has that moment where relationships start to fail. 00:05:13.439 --> 00:05:17.199 Someone walks up to you and says, I don't want to be connected to you anymore. 00:05:21.839 --> 00:05:25.920 I heard um more often than you'd want to know. 00:05:26.319 --> 00:05:29.839 Parents saying, My kid no longer talks to me. 00:05:30.240 --> 00:05:33.199 There's now a saying, it's a classification. 00:05:33.360 --> 00:05:34.959 They go, no contact. 00:05:37.040 --> 00:05:48.319 The relationship has been damaged or unskillful for so long that now the kids are just going, even though you're my parent, I'm not talking to you anymore. 00:05:50.879 --> 00:05:53.279 As a parent, think about that for a moment. 00:05:55.839 --> 00:06:02.319 Not only do they not come to family gatherings, they won't even answer your text to say I'm okay. 00:06:03.439 --> 00:06:04.079 Why? 00:06:06.000 --> 00:06:08.480 Because of stuff that happened years ago. 00:06:12.000 --> 00:06:13.839 And now we're paying for it. 00:06:16.720 --> 00:06:19.519 It's sobering this stuff, isn't it? 00:06:21.920 --> 00:06:41.439 The amount of relationship damage that I see looking at my wife kind of out of the side of my eye, like the amount of unskillful things we've done, I have done in relationships and then spent years paying the price for. 00:06:46.240 --> 00:06:48.560 Last week was a punch in the gut. 00:06:50.639 --> 00:06:52.639 It's the like scare you straight. 00:06:52.720 --> 00:06:58.160 Like, if we don't fix this, we will lose relationships over this. 00:06:59.439 --> 00:07:04.000 We will lose connection with the people that we value and that we love over this. 00:07:06.879 --> 00:07:11.199 This week is the how do we make sure we don't do that? 00:07:12.720 --> 00:07:16.000 That was the like bad cop, this is the good cop. 00:07:16.560 --> 00:07:19.199 This is the how do we do this skillfully? 00:07:19.360 --> 00:07:25.759 And the way we're gonna learn to do this skillfully is to make you conscious of what you're doing that's not skillful. 00:07:27.439 --> 00:07:33.439 My friend whose 30-year friend came up to them and said, we're done, didn't even see it coming. 00:07:36.240 --> 00:07:40.399 How much of this stuff are we actually unconscious of? 00:07:42.160 --> 00:07:44.480 We're doing when we don't realize what we're doing. 00:07:44.720 --> 00:07:51.120 We just catch the blow up, we catch the fight, we catch the broken relationship, we catch the loneliness. 00:07:53.120 --> 00:07:57.519 At the end of this message, you will not be able to use unconsciousness anymore. 00:07:57.680 --> 00:07:58.800 I didn't know. 00:08:00.399 --> 00:08:02.160 You can use the ah crap. 00:08:02.240 --> 00:08:03.360 I screwed that one up again. 00:08:03.439 --> 00:08:04.639 That you'll have. 00:08:07.120 --> 00:08:12.720 But we won't be able to be unconscious of this anymore. 00:08:14.560 --> 00:08:17.040 To do that, we're gonna have to do a little bit of work. 00:08:17.120 --> 00:08:18.879 There's a couple, the Gottmans. 00:08:19.120 --> 00:08:21.199 Anyone heard of the Gottmans, Baby Ann? 00:08:21.439 --> 00:08:21.920 Great couple. 00:08:22.079 --> 00:08:28.079 They actually, many years ago, I don't even know if 70s, 80s, does anybody know when the love lab was first started? 00:08:28.959 --> 00:08:32.240 70s, 80s, give or take 20 years somewhere in there. 00:08:32.799 --> 00:08:33.679 The other day. 00:08:33.919 --> 00:08:35.519 The other day they built uh a lab. 00:08:35.679 --> 00:08:45.600 So what they did is they at the University of Washington, they built a little looks like a hotel room with like a living room, kitchen, uh, bedroom, and they brought couples in. 00:08:45.840 --> 00:08:51.440 What they were trying to figure out is why do some couples stay together and why do some couples break up? 00:08:51.600 --> 00:08:54.879 Why do some relationships work and why do some didn't? 00:08:55.039 --> 00:08:56.879 We didn't know at this time how it worked. 00:08:57.039 --> 00:09:08.240 In fact, the the prevalent thought of the day was when you reveal a lot of intimate details of your life, it creates connection in marriages. 00:09:08.879 --> 00:09:11.039 Don't worry, I'm not just gonna stay in marriage. 00:09:11.279 --> 00:09:14.320 This translates into all relationships. 00:09:14.720 --> 00:09:17.039 But I need to show it to you this way first. 00:09:17.679 --> 00:09:27.600 And so what they did is they put cameras, it wasn't that creepy, in all the rooms but the bedroom, and they put on microphones with people, and for uh, let's see, everything but nine hours. 00:09:27.679 --> 00:09:29.519 They were allowed nine hours of mics off. 00:09:29.600 --> 00:09:32.320 They had sensors on them so they could tell if their heart rate got elevated. 00:09:32.480 --> 00:09:37.600 Again, what they're trying to figure out is when was the relationship working and when was it not? 00:09:38.399 --> 00:09:52.000 And so him and his research cohort sat there on video cameras watching these couples, and they were waiting for these moments of like, you know, what I was for this traumatic thing happened to me, and you know, I've always wanted this, and I've never been willing to share. 00:09:52.080 --> 00:09:52.960 That's what they were looking for. 00:09:53.120 --> 00:09:54.240 You know what they got? 00:09:55.200 --> 00:09:56.480 Pass assault. 00:09:59.440 --> 00:10:01.200 Did you see that cat video? 00:10:04.559 --> 00:10:06.799 What do you think about this news article? 00:10:08.720 --> 00:10:09.120 Sup. 00:10:12.000 --> 00:10:32.799 He has spent tens of thousands of dollars, he's risked his professional reputation, and he's watching couples watch cat videos together, and he's thinking to himself, I just wasted a whole lot of my life. 00:10:34.399 --> 00:10:39.039 Like I'm getting fired, my grants are getting pulled, this is the end of my career. 00:10:40.720 --> 00:10:42.000 This is done. 00:10:43.840 --> 00:10:49.200 Until he realized something so important that it's like he couldn't see, it was so obvious. 00:10:51.440 --> 00:10:57.679 The core idea of what creates connection and relationships isn't the deep sharing of things. 00:10:58.960 --> 00:11:02.799 It was actually the hey, have you seen this cat video? 00:11:04.720 --> 00:11:06.559 Hey, can you pass the salt? 00:11:08.240 --> 00:11:08.720 Whew. 00:11:08.960 --> 00:11:10.320 It's raining out there, isn't it? 00:11:10.480 --> 00:11:11.120 Yeah. 00:11:12.480 --> 00:11:16.879 What do you realize is there's a core thing that we all do called bidding. 00:11:17.919 --> 00:11:19.440 That is a bid right there. 00:11:19.600 --> 00:11:21.440 We'll talk about that in a second. 00:11:22.080 --> 00:11:24.320 And actually, mom's handling it very well. 00:11:24.399 --> 00:11:26.159 We'll talk about that in a second, too. 00:11:28.159 --> 00:11:32.080 When we're very, very little, we know how to do this. 00:11:32.240 --> 00:11:37.840 A bid is the core piece of how we create connection with another human. 00:11:38.080 --> 00:11:43.759 It's reaching out and saying, hey, hey, hey, hey, can I have your attention for a second? 00:11:46.000 --> 00:11:50.159 Now, when they started to see that, they realized there was bids everywhere. 00:11:50.320 --> 00:11:52.000 It was happening nonstop. 00:11:52.159 --> 00:11:57.679 The couples were bidding tens, hundreds of times per day. 00:11:58.879 --> 00:12:00.080 Little things. 00:12:02.000 --> 00:12:03.440 Did you like the soup? 00:12:04.480 --> 00:12:05.120 Not my favorite. 00:12:05.279 --> 00:12:06.320 Wouldn't order it at a restaurant. 00:12:06.480 --> 00:12:08.320 Yeah, I thought it was a bit salty. 00:12:10.159 --> 00:12:12.639 And then what they realized, they started to see the bids. 00:12:12.720 --> 00:12:20.159 Then they realized there's always, and again, this is couples, there's a bid, and then there's a response to the bid. 00:12:20.320 --> 00:12:28.000 And it's how we respond to a bid that will make or break our relationships. 00:12:29.919 --> 00:12:32.879 Let me say this again, because this matters. 00:12:34.639 --> 00:12:42.159 How you respond to the bid is what makes or breaks the relationship. 00:12:44.080 --> 00:12:47.039 Again, they got nerdy, so what they did is they started the catalog. 00:12:47.200 --> 00:12:48.879 They created three categories. 00:12:49.120 --> 00:12:57.360 They called it turning towards a bid, turning against a bid, or turning away from a bid. 00:12:58.559 --> 00:13:05.120 Y'all are gonna have an opportunity to experience this in real life in a few minutes. 00:13:05.840 --> 00:13:09.440 But before we go there, I want to just say one more thing. 00:13:10.559 --> 00:13:29.840 The Gottmans, after years, maybe decades of this work, got so skillful that they could sit down a couple in front of them, watch them interact for an hour, and tell you if they were going to be together in four years or not, with a 94% accuracy rate. 00:13:31.120 --> 00:13:32.879 Think about that for a second. 00:13:34.080 --> 00:13:38.559 They could watch a couple interact when they were together. 00:13:38.639 --> 00:13:39.600 They're like, hey, we're fine. 00:13:39.679 --> 00:13:41.519 We might be having a little bit of trouble, it's whatever. 00:13:41.679 --> 00:13:47.039 But they could watch that couple, and the Gotmans would be able to say, in four years, you're gonna be divorced. 00:13:49.759 --> 00:13:51.600 That's a bit freaky, isn't it? 00:13:51.679 --> 00:13:54.000 I don't think I would invite them to a dinner party. 00:13:55.039 --> 00:13:57.440 Don't look at me, you're judging me. 00:13:57.679 --> 00:14:07.759 Meanwhile, they're looking at each other going like they could look at you and watch how you responded. 00:14:07.840 --> 00:14:12.480 This bidding and responsibility, there's a few other things, but it this is the core of it. 00:14:13.759 --> 00:14:23.279 And say, in four years, even though you say you're in love, you say you want to be married, you say you want this relationship to work, they're like, nope, in four years you'll be done. 00:14:26.080 --> 00:14:48.879 If you get this wrong, if you choose to stay unconscious and do this wrong, you and your kids, you and your parents, you and your friends, the Gottmunds will look at you and say, in four years you will not be connected anymore. 00:14:51.759 --> 00:14:53.519 That's bloody sobering. 00:14:56.879 --> 00:14:59.039 When I first read that, I thought, that can't be. 00:14:59.200 --> 00:15:03.759 Then I read the really thick book called The Science of Trust, and I was like, they did the math. 00:15:06.960 --> 00:15:15.519 Could it be that we are currently behaving in a way that's destroying the relationships that we value? 00:15:17.600 --> 00:15:19.120 But we don't know it yet. 00:15:21.840 --> 00:15:25.200 That relationship is like the walking dead, and we don't know. 00:15:28.000 --> 00:15:32.879 Ouch! That sucks, doesn't it? 00:15:33.120 --> 00:15:35.039 Well, no, it's that's not sucks. 00:15:35.120 --> 00:15:38.480 It's scary. 00:15:38.639 --> 00:15:40.000 That's the word I want. 00:15:40.240 --> 00:15:41.279 It's scary. 00:15:42.879 --> 00:15:48.879 Could it be I'm doing the things that are gonna destroy my relationship today, and I don't even know I'm doing it. 00:15:49.759 --> 00:15:52.559 Before I learned this stuff, I was doing it wrong. 00:15:52.720 --> 00:15:54.000 That I can tell you for sure. 00:15:54.159 --> 00:15:58.799 I can go back into my life and go, yep, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. 00:15:59.120 --> 00:16:01.360 I didn't even know it was wrong. 00:16:02.639 --> 00:16:04.399 I didn't even know it was right. 00:16:06.480 --> 00:16:10.639 So today I'm gonna give you the opportunity to learn. 00:16:12.000 --> 00:16:13.440 Here's what I'm gonna do. 00:16:13.679 --> 00:16:15.279 We're gonna do this live together. 00:16:15.360 --> 00:16:17.759 Is anyone up for a live together? 00:16:18.159 --> 00:16:22.240 So I'm not sure I'm up for live together. 00:16:22.480 --> 00:16:23.759 So here's what I'm gonna do. 00:16:23.919 --> 00:16:25.200 I'm gonna have Nathaniel. 00:16:25.360 --> 00:16:26.879 Nathaniel's back there, he's on multimedia. 00:16:26.960 --> 00:16:28.159 Give us a little wave, Nathaniel. 00:16:28.240 --> 00:16:29.679 He's gonna run the show back there. 00:16:29.840 --> 00:16:32.399 He's gonna throw up two lines on the screen. 00:16:32.720 --> 00:16:34.480 The first one's gonna be context. 00:16:34.639 --> 00:16:36.559 The second is gonna be the line. 00:16:37.039 --> 00:16:40.159 I'm gonna respond to the line in real time. 00:16:41.120 --> 00:16:43.440 Their second line that they're gonna say is the bid. 00:16:43.519 --> 00:16:45.440 I'm gonna respond to the bid. 00:16:45.759 --> 00:16:56.879 First, I'm gonna show you the different responses you can do, and then we're gonna start doing it live together where we're gonna, I'm just gonna like go to town and you all are gonna figure out am I turning towards the bid? 00:16:57.440 --> 00:17:00.399 Turning against the bid, turning away from the bid? 00:17:01.200 --> 00:17:02.799 What am I doing? 00:17:03.759 --> 00:17:08.559 So if you're up for it, I want someone to come to the mic and I'm gonna get you to read. 00:17:08.880 --> 00:17:11.519 There's a bunch of people, so just every time I'm gonna get a new person to the mic. 00:17:11.599 --> 00:17:14.319 If someone someone's willing to talk to the mic, please, please. 00:17:14.480 --> 00:17:15.599 Don't less. 00:17:15.759 --> 00:17:16.480 Thank you. 00:17:16.720 --> 00:17:17.599 Thank you, Les. 00:17:18.559 --> 00:17:21.759 Okay, so can you put the first line with context? 00:17:21.839 --> 00:17:22.480 And that's it. 00:17:22.559 --> 00:17:24.000 Feel free to go as creative as you want. 00:17:24.079 --> 00:17:27.039 If you want to act this thing out and get into character, feel free. 00:17:27.680 --> 00:17:29.519 Daddy, watch me. 00:17:31.119 --> 00:17:32.240 What are you doing, buddy? 00:17:32.480 --> 00:17:33.039 Let me see it. 00:17:33.119 --> 00:17:34.559 That looks awesome. 00:17:34.880 --> 00:17:39.200 See, this is called turning towards the bid. 00:17:39.920 --> 00:17:41.039 Do you notice what I did? 00:17:41.119 --> 00:17:43.039 I instantly went to he's like, Watch me. 00:17:43.200 --> 00:17:44.240 I was like, Yeah, yeah. 00:17:44.480 --> 00:17:46.799 The bid is daddy, watch me. 00:17:46.960 --> 00:17:49.039 The turn towards is what are you doing, buddy? 00:17:49.279 --> 00:17:49.920 Show me. 00:17:50.160 --> 00:17:53.119 There's actually a story in the Bible, a guy named Zacchaeus. 00:17:53.279 --> 00:17:54.480 Just stay there for a second, okay? 00:17:54.720 --> 00:17:55.839 Guy named Zacchaeus. 00:17:56.319 --> 00:17:58.000 Zacchaeus is a short guy. 00:17:58.160 --> 00:18:00.720 That's not really the punchline of the story. 00:18:01.440 --> 00:18:04.319 He is also short, but it that helps us get to the next part of the story. 00:18:04.400 --> 00:18:06.000 He's actually hated by everybody. 00:18:06.160 --> 00:18:16.559 He's a tax collector, which is um code for he's of the same culture, but he's working for the bad guys to screw over his own people. 00:18:17.440 --> 00:18:22.400 So whenever you read in the Bible, tax collector, just think everybody hates that person. 00:18:23.519 --> 00:18:29.200 So Zacchaeus, the tax collector, who everyone hates, is hears that Jesus is coming to town. 00:18:29.279 --> 00:18:30.160 So what does he do? 00:18:30.319 --> 00:18:33.839 He climbs a tree to be able to see Jesus. 00:18:35.680 --> 00:18:38.559 Jesus walks around the corner in the town. 00:18:39.599 --> 00:18:41.200 He sees Zacchaeus. 00:18:42.559 --> 00:18:43.440 The bid. 00:18:43.680 --> 00:18:45.519 Is Zacchaeus in the tree going? 00:18:47.200 --> 00:18:52.240 And Jesus turns to him and says, Hey, I'm coming to your house tonight. 00:18:54.240 --> 00:18:56.880 Changes Zacchaeus' life. 00:18:58.480 --> 00:19:01.119 Can you feel turning towards the bid? 00:19:02.400 --> 00:19:02.720 Okay. 00:19:02.960 --> 00:19:03.839 So let's do it again. 00:19:03.920 --> 00:19:05.279 Just one second, let me get into character. 00:19:05.359 --> 00:19:06.079 Hold on a second. 00:19:07.680 --> 00:19:08.000 Okay. 00:19:09.119 --> 00:19:09.680 Let's go. 00:19:09.759 --> 00:19:10.559 Uh there we go. 00:19:10.720 --> 00:19:13.039 Context parent to young child. 00:19:13.599 --> 00:19:14.640 Parent to young child. 00:19:14.720 --> 00:19:16.160 Yeah, that you're oh, okay, okay. 00:19:16.240 --> 00:19:16.319 Okay. 00:19:16.480 --> 00:19:17.119 No, same one. 00:19:17.279 --> 00:19:17.759 All right. 00:19:18.160 --> 00:19:19.039 Same one. 00:19:19.759 --> 00:19:21.440 Hey, Daddy, watch me. 00:19:21.599 --> 00:19:22.559 Oh, seriously, kid. 00:19:22.640 --> 00:19:24.079 Do you know how busy I am right now? 00:19:24.240 --> 00:19:26.000 Do you know how much I have going on? 00:19:27.519 --> 00:19:28.880 You suck, daddy. 00:19:32.720 --> 00:19:35.119 Turning against the bid. 00:19:35.759 --> 00:19:40.559 How many times does someone bid at the wrong time, the wrong tone of voice, the wrong way, the wrong something? 00:19:40.640 --> 00:19:43.920 And we're like, huh, what are you thinking? 00:19:44.480 --> 00:19:48.240 Uh, remember, I told you a story about uh Joseph a couple weeks ago. 00:19:48.480 --> 00:19:52.480 I said Joseph in the Tex Color Dream Coat, he's wearing the multicolored coat. 00:19:52.640 --> 00:19:57.119 I actually think a better translation is he's wearing a girly dress. 00:19:57.519 --> 00:20:03.200 I think he's wearing something that culturally wasn't common for a man to wear. 00:20:04.480 --> 00:20:05.440 It's my reading. 00:20:05.519 --> 00:20:08.000 I think it's well attested in the text. 00:20:08.480 --> 00:20:10.319 But think about it from this point of view. 00:20:10.559 --> 00:20:16.400 He comes to his brothers wearing the outfit that makes him feel fully himself. 00:20:18.240 --> 00:20:19.839 Is that not a bid? 00:20:21.759 --> 00:20:30.799 When your kids show up in your room and they're wearing whatever they want, even though you're thinking it's inappropriate and you want to go, like, go into your room and change, which is again against the bid. 00:20:32.480 --> 00:20:36.880 Joseph shows up in what makes him feel truly himself. 00:20:38.400 --> 00:20:41.920 And his brothers sell him to slavery. 00:20:42.880 --> 00:20:46.559 Talk about turning against a bid. 00:20:47.920 --> 00:20:49.599 Anyone ever turned against a bid? 00:20:49.680 --> 00:20:50.559 Don't put up your hand. 00:20:51.680 --> 00:20:52.799 I can see your faces. 00:20:52.880 --> 00:20:54.400 You're all like, shh. 00:20:55.279 --> 00:20:59.839 You know, when the Gottman studied this stuff, turning towards obviously built the relationship. 00:21:00.000 --> 00:21:04.079 Turning against damaged it, but it wasn't the most damaging relationship thing to do. 00:21:04.880 --> 00:21:06.400 Can we try it once more? 00:21:09.200 --> 00:21:11.279 Daddy, watch me. 00:21:17.200 --> 00:21:19.519 The cat's in the cradle, Daddy. 00:21:21.440 --> 00:21:24.400 It's called turning away from the bed. 00:21:25.039 --> 00:21:29.839 Can you feel the first moment when he said, Daddy, watch me, and I turned my back on him? 00:21:30.640 --> 00:21:32.319 There's this feeling of like. 00:21:33.440 --> 00:21:39.599 And then also you kind of feel that sick feeling in your throat where it's like, oh, that doesn't feel good, does it? 00:21:39.920 --> 00:21:40.799 Thanks, Les. 00:21:41.599 --> 00:21:43.920 Let's give Russ Les a big round applause. 00:21:44.720 --> 00:21:46.160 We're not done. 00:21:46.400 --> 00:21:47.440 We have a few more. 00:21:47.519 --> 00:21:53.119 So if any of you are okay talking on the mic, just like get your inner child ready and let's we're gonna do this. 00:21:53.359 --> 00:21:54.960 Let me tell you a quick story. 00:21:55.119 --> 00:21:59.359 Uh, there's two uh sisters, Martha and uh Mary. 00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:02.880 They're having a dinner party, they invite Jesus over. 00:22:03.440 --> 00:22:07.440 We actually don't hear the first bid, we hear the reaction to the bid. 00:22:08.319 --> 00:22:15.200 It seems that the bid first started with Martha saying to Mary, her sister, Can you give me a little help here? 00:22:16.079 --> 00:22:18.319 Or like hosting a dinner party. 00:22:19.759 --> 00:22:21.519 And Mary blows her off. 00:22:22.480 --> 00:22:24.240 Turns away from the bid. 00:22:24.880 --> 00:22:26.480 And just sits there. 00:22:27.200 --> 00:22:28.400 Ignoring her. 00:22:31.680 --> 00:22:43.279 The Gotmans found the turning away from the bid is the one that destroys relationships most reliably, most often, and most quickly. 00:22:46.000 --> 00:22:47.759 We don't see the bid. 00:22:48.880 --> 00:22:50.880 We don't want to deal with the bid. 00:22:52.000 --> 00:22:54.640 They've bid too often, and now we're sick of it. 00:22:57.599 --> 00:22:58.960 Sobering, isn't it? 00:23:00.799 --> 00:23:09.200 How many times have you been in the middle of something and you realize someone is trying to get our attention, trying to make that bid, and your first reaction is to just ignore it? 00:23:09.440 --> 00:23:10.720 I'm working. 00:23:11.039 --> 00:23:12.559 I got stuff to do. 00:23:16.240 --> 00:23:16.559 Okay. 00:23:18.559 --> 00:23:21.119 You guys now know turn towards the bid. 00:23:21.359 --> 00:23:23.359 You know, turn against the bid. 00:23:23.599 --> 00:23:25.759 And you know, turn away from the bid. 00:23:26.640 --> 00:23:28.240 Here's what we're going to do now. 00:23:28.400 --> 00:23:29.200 I'm going to have people. 00:23:29.440 --> 00:23:30.960 Can someone else someone else volunteer? 00:23:31.039 --> 00:23:31.440 Come on up. 00:23:31.519 --> 00:23:32.480 Come on up, Sean. 00:23:32.720 --> 00:23:34.960 Bryce, I'll have you happen next. 00:23:35.200 --> 00:23:36.160 Give me one second. 00:23:36.240 --> 00:23:37.519 I'm just going to get set up here. 00:23:37.759 --> 00:23:38.880 Here's what we're going to do. 00:23:39.039 --> 00:23:41.599 I'm going to get them to read the context line. 00:23:41.839 --> 00:23:43.839 Then they're going to read the the bid. 00:23:44.079 --> 00:23:45.039 I'm going to respond. 00:23:45.119 --> 00:23:46.799 And then you guys are going to vote. 00:23:47.119 --> 00:23:48.160 What response? 00:23:48.319 --> 00:23:49.680 What was my response to the bid? 00:23:49.759 --> 00:23:52.799 Was it turning away, turning against, turning towards? 00:23:53.200 --> 00:23:54.079 Make sense? 00:23:54.319 --> 00:23:55.839 Audience participation. 00:23:56.079 --> 00:23:56.960 Okay, Sean. 00:23:57.039 --> 00:23:58.799 Let's what's what we got here? 00:24:00.000 --> 00:24:02.640 Context spouses morning routine. 00:24:03.279 --> 00:24:05.279 This coffee is so good this morning. 00:24:05.519 --> 00:24:07.759 You know, it was really much better last week. 00:24:07.839 --> 00:24:11.440 But like, seriously, when you make coffee, can you partly use the other beans? 00:24:11.599 --> 00:24:15.759 Because these beans, like, they're just not, I think they're stale or something like that. 00:24:21.200 --> 00:24:24.480 Even Sean's face is like, I don't feel very good. 00:24:24.559 --> 00:24:26.079 Can you do one more for me? 00:24:26.319 --> 00:24:26.640 Okay. 00:24:29.599 --> 00:24:30.319 Context. 00:24:30.480 --> 00:24:33.440 Partners at a party telling some friends a story. 00:24:33.680 --> 00:24:35.599 Last week, Tuesday, we were driving downtown. 00:24:35.920 --> 00:24:36.880 It was Wednesday. 00:24:38.160 --> 00:24:38.720 What? 00:24:39.599 --> 00:24:40.880 We didn't go on Tuesday. 00:24:40.960 --> 00:24:42.000 It was Wednesday. 00:24:42.240 --> 00:24:44.160 I tell you every time it's Wednesday. 00:24:44.240 --> 00:24:45.839 It's not Tuesday. 00:24:46.799 --> 00:24:48.480 Isn't that one horrible? 00:24:50.000 --> 00:24:50.799 Sorry, buddy. 00:24:51.759 --> 00:24:52.160 Thank you. 00:24:52.240 --> 00:24:52.640 You're good. 00:24:52.720 --> 00:24:52.960 You're good. 00:24:53.039 --> 00:24:54.240 You can go sit down. 00:24:55.599 --> 00:24:56.640 How many? 00:24:58.240 --> 00:25:02.240 How many people have corrected somebody's detail of a story that they're telling? 00:25:02.400 --> 00:25:04.319 Just put up your hand to be honest. 00:25:05.680 --> 00:25:07.359 Isn't that brutal? 00:25:07.759 --> 00:25:12.559 And yet there's something so deep inside of us that's like, I can't not correct this. 00:25:15.119 --> 00:25:24.240 If you're on the stand in a courtroom and you've been sworn in, feel free to correct the person if they've made a mistake. 00:25:24.720 --> 00:25:32.000 If it's a bid, sweet Jesus, please, Vince, do not correct the details. 00:25:32.240 --> 00:25:34.400 It's not about the details. 00:25:35.440 --> 00:25:37.279 Can you see what it felt like for Sean? 00:25:37.440 --> 00:25:40.079 Can you see what it felt like when I turned against him? 00:25:40.799 --> 00:25:42.640 It's brutal, isn't it? 00:25:42.880 --> 00:25:47.440 And yet in our minds we're going, no, no, no, no, no, I'm just fixing it. 00:25:47.920 --> 00:25:49.359 Just got the detail wrong. 00:25:51.279 --> 00:25:52.720 Okay, let's try another one. 00:25:52.799 --> 00:25:55.680 Can I get some uh sorry, uh Bryce, do you want to come up? 00:25:57.519 --> 00:25:58.799 Okay, what do we got? 00:25:59.200 --> 00:26:00.799 Throw it up, Miss Annuel. 00:26:08.400 --> 00:26:11.519 Context, adult child-to-parent phone call. 00:26:12.240 --> 00:26:14.079 I've just been really tired lately. 00:26:14.319 --> 00:26:15.119 Oh, really? 00:26:15.359 --> 00:26:16.960 What's been going on for you, man? 00:26:17.759 --> 00:26:19.119 My horses got out. 00:26:19.359 --> 00:26:19.759 Really? 00:26:19.920 --> 00:26:20.240 Yeah. 00:26:20.400 --> 00:26:20.799 Were they? 00:26:21.359 --> 00:26:23.519 Were they like they you they got out of the pen? 00:26:24.000 --> 00:26:26.960 My yard, I live in suburbia and I wasn't supposed to have them. 00:26:27.200 --> 00:26:28.079 Oh my goodness. 00:26:28.240 --> 00:26:29.039 That's brutal. 00:26:29.279 --> 00:26:30.480 Did the bylaw guys come? 00:26:34.319 --> 00:26:36.240 Can you feel the difference though? 00:26:36.960 --> 00:26:44.720 Like, again, I went a little deeper into it with a little curiosity, but even that, like, oh should probably be curious if a man in suburbia's horses got out. 00:26:45.920 --> 00:26:49.119 I was like, I love that you came up with that off the cuff. 00:26:49.279 --> 00:26:57.200 But there's a side of you, even if he says, like, I've had a rough day, if you just go like this, oh like, oh, that's brutal. 00:26:57.279 --> 00:26:58.160 I'm sorry, man. 00:26:58.799 --> 00:27:00.079 Can you feel the difference? 00:27:00.319 --> 00:27:01.599 Okay, can we do you one more? 00:27:01.680 --> 00:27:02.079 Mm-hmm. 00:27:02.319 --> 00:27:02.640 Okay. 00:27:04.400 --> 00:27:09.200 Friends, text message, GIF of Garfield, ugh, Mondays. 00:27:11.680 --> 00:27:13.519 You can't make me laugh. 00:27:16.559 --> 00:27:17.359 Or texting. 00:27:17.440 --> 00:27:18.480 You can do whatever you want behind the phone. 00:27:18.880 --> 00:27:19.920 Here's my text back. 00:27:20.160 --> 00:27:21.759 You think you have a rough Monday. 00:27:21.839 --> 00:27:23.680 Have you heard of my Monday? 00:27:26.960 --> 00:27:27.599 Which one? 00:27:29.039 --> 00:27:29.519 Away? 00:27:30.559 --> 00:27:32.559 Feels like those are friends, aren't they? 00:27:32.960 --> 00:27:35.519 Is there anything good in those two responses? 00:27:36.160 --> 00:27:36.480 No. 00:27:37.279 --> 00:27:38.400 What's a better response? 00:27:38.559 --> 00:27:39.519 Yell it out. 00:27:40.960 --> 00:27:42.480 Sorry, I'm not gonna have to do it. 00:27:43.920 --> 00:27:44.720 Tell me about it. 00:27:45.839 --> 00:27:47.440 Does it start having a hard meeting? 00:27:47.680 --> 00:27:48.319 Yeah. 00:27:48.559 --> 00:27:51.279 You can even just be like, oh, sorry. 00:27:51.440 --> 00:27:52.240 That's brutal. 00:27:52.400 --> 00:27:54.799 Or even just be like, yeah, I think you have. 00:27:55.440 --> 00:27:57.759 Gif of Garfield running out of lasagna. 00:27:59.039 --> 00:28:00.240 Okay, thanks, Bryce. 00:28:00.640 --> 00:28:01.759 Anyone else willing to try? 00:28:02.000 --> 00:28:02.480 Come on. 00:28:02.640 --> 00:28:03.359 Come on, try it. 00:28:03.519 --> 00:28:04.799 Chantel, come on out. 00:28:05.440 --> 00:28:08.960 You guys are all like, there, no one told me I had to talk in church. 00:28:09.039 --> 00:28:10.640 There's like a rule at Friend Church. 00:28:10.720 --> 00:28:12.079 I do not have to talk. 00:28:12.319 --> 00:28:14.079 Okay, Chantel, here we go. 00:28:14.160 --> 00:28:16.480 Can you throw up the next one for me, Nathaniel? 00:28:22.240 --> 00:28:22.960 Context. 00:28:23.279 --> 00:28:25.039 Partners driving in the car. 00:28:26.160 --> 00:28:27.200 Look at that. 00:28:27.359 --> 00:28:29.680 The mountains are so clear today. 00:28:30.000 --> 00:28:32.960 Okay, somebody throw out a turn against bid. 00:28:34.000 --> 00:28:35.119 They're not that tall. 00:28:37.119 --> 00:28:38.000 What mountains? 00:28:38.079 --> 00:28:38.559 There we go. 00:28:38.640 --> 00:28:39.039 Another one. 00:28:39.200 --> 00:28:39.920 What else we got? 00:28:41.279 --> 00:28:42.079 Can't see them. 00:28:43.200 --> 00:28:44.319 It's gonna rain. 00:28:45.839 --> 00:28:47.279 We were on a trip in Ireland. 00:28:47.359 --> 00:28:49.839 I was driving on the wrong side of the road, and Ellie's like, look over there. 00:28:49.920 --> 00:28:52.319 I'm like, I got a driver when to die. 00:28:53.839 --> 00:28:55.759 I feel like that's a fair one, though, right? 00:28:55.920 --> 00:28:57.680 Like, we literally were gonna die. 00:28:58.799 --> 00:28:59.759 Okay, hit me up. 00:28:59.839 --> 00:29:00.559 Go back to it again. 00:29:00.640 --> 00:29:01.680 Go back to it again. 00:29:01.920 --> 00:29:02.799 Uh, look at the mountain. 00:29:02.880 --> 00:29:03.680 The mountains are clear today. 00:29:03.759 --> 00:29:05.359 Can say it all loud for us. 00:29:05.680 --> 00:29:06.480 Look at that. 00:29:06.720 --> 00:29:08.799 The mountains are so clear today. 00:29:09.119 --> 00:29:11.279 Turn towards what's a bid? 00:29:11.519 --> 00:29:12.880 How would you turn towards that bid? 00:29:14.240 --> 00:29:14.880 Beautiful. 00:29:15.519 --> 00:29:16.000 Snow cap. 00:29:16.319 --> 00:29:17.039 Snow capped. 00:29:17.279 --> 00:29:18.640 I love when you love mountains. 00:29:18.880 --> 00:29:19.119 I love. 00:29:19.279 --> 00:29:20.880 Oh, that was gonna be mine. 00:29:21.200 --> 00:29:21.839 You know what? 00:29:22.079 --> 00:29:27.680 Turning towards somebody, even if you don't know, like if what they're into, you don't even understand. 00:29:28.079 --> 00:29:30.079 Just connecting to their excitement. 00:29:30.319 --> 00:29:31.839 I love that you get that excited. 00:29:32.000 --> 00:29:33.359 My wife is a florist. 00:29:33.599 --> 00:29:38.160 She gets more excited about flowers than any other human I've ever met. 00:29:38.480 --> 00:29:46.640 Some days I just can't get that excited about flowers, but experiencing her get that excited about flowers. 00:29:47.119 --> 00:29:49.920 I love that you get that excited about something. 00:29:50.480 --> 00:29:51.519 Beautiful. 00:29:51.839 --> 00:29:53.039 Okay, thanks, Chantel. 00:29:53.119 --> 00:29:53.920 Oh no, we got one more. 00:29:54.000 --> 00:29:54.880 I only did one with you, right? 00:29:54.960 --> 00:29:55.119 Yeah. 00:29:55.279 --> 00:29:56.079 Okay, one more. 00:29:56.240 --> 00:29:56.960 One more. 00:29:57.759 --> 00:29:58.640 Context. 00:29:58.960 --> 00:30:01.519 Teenager to parent after school. 00:30:02.400 --> 00:30:05.200 My teacher said something kind of weird today. 00:30:05.519 --> 00:30:09.119 Okay, so this is written by somebody who only has 30-year-old stepchildren. 00:30:09.759 --> 00:30:14.640 Has has more like my teacher said something kind of weird today. 00:30:16.240 --> 00:30:16.400 Okay. 00:30:16.799 --> 00:30:17.359 Sorry about that. 00:30:17.680 --> 00:30:18.640 Take it one more step further. 00:30:18.720 --> 00:30:20.559 Take it, Emily, one more step further. 00:30:20.799 --> 00:30:22.000 Does your kid ever say that? 00:30:22.079 --> 00:30:23.440 Or did they just use something like, uh? 00:30:24.880 --> 00:30:29.279 They might do that because they'd be like angry at it or irritated or disgusted at their teacher. 00:30:30.240 --> 00:30:30.559 Okay. 00:30:30.880 --> 00:30:34.880 So can we try it again with your inner disgust, Allah Emily? 00:30:36.480 --> 00:30:39.440 My teacher said something so weird today. 00:30:39.680 --> 00:30:41.279 Now let's just say this. 00:30:41.519 --> 00:30:43.839 This kid has been skipping school. 00:30:44.160 --> 00:30:46.799 This kid has been not doing their homework. 00:30:47.039 --> 00:30:48.240 You're frustrated. 00:30:48.400 --> 00:30:49.279 You're annoyed. 00:30:49.440 --> 00:30:51.119 You're sick of their excuses. 00:30:52.960 --> 00:30:55.039 How do you want to turn towards the bid? 00:30:57.599 --> 00:30:58.000 Sorry? 00:30:58.240 --> 00:30:58.880 What was weird? 00:30:59.279 --> 00:30:59.839 What was weird? 00:31:00.000 --> 00:31:00.400 Beautiful. 00:31:00.799 --> 00:31:01.839 What's the rest of the story? 00:31:02.160 --> 00:31:03.119 What's the rest of the story? 00:31:03.279 --> 00:31:03.680 Love it. 00:31:03.839 --> 00:31:04.319 Tell me more. 00:31:04.720 --> 00:31:05.680 Tell me more. 00:31:06.559 --> 00:31:07.519 Even just. 00:31:08.480 --> 00:31:09.039 Yeah. 00:31:09.279 --> 00:31:09.920 Crazy. 00:31:10.160 --> 00:31:11.359 Teachers, man. 00:31:14.079 --> 00:31:15.279 Especially mine. 00:31:16.079 --> 00:31:16.960 Thanks, Shadow. 00:31:17.119 --> 00:31:18.079 Let's give her a round of applause. 00:31:18.319 --> 00:31:19.359 Okay, I want one more. 00:31:19.519 --> 00:31:20.240 One more. 00:31:21.119 --> 00:31:21.759 Come on. 00:31:21.920 --> 00:31:24.079 Someone be brave enough to come up. 00:31:24.720 --> 00:31:26.240 If you don't, I'll call you up. 00:31:26.400 --> 00:31:26.880 There we go. 00:31:26.960 --> 00:31:28.079 Emily, thank you. 00:31:28.240 --> 00:31:28.960 I feel it. 00:31:29.039 --> 00:31:30.079 Let's do this. 00:31:31.039 --> 00:31:31.920 Okay, Emily. 00:31:32.319 --> 00:31:34.400 Okay, I gotta tell you, I was hesitant because of this. 00:31:34.640 --> 00:31:35.119 Oh, yeah. 00:31:35.440 --> 00:31:36.400 That's totally my bad. 00:31:36.640 --> 00:31:37.039 Totally my bad. 00:31:37.440 --> 00:31:41.599 Now, Emily's gonna be preaching next week on this topic, so I'm gonna do something different with Emily. 00:31:42.079 --> 00:31:44.079 You get to bid without using the screen. 00:31:44.160 --> 00:31:46.960 You get to make any bid you want, and I have to try and respond to it. 00:31:47.279 --> 00:31:47.599 Okay. 00:31:48.000 --> 00:31:48.799 Hang on. 00:31:48.960 --> 00:31:50.400 Give me a second. 00:31:53.759 --> 00:31:55.279 I'm getting nervous. 00:31:57.200 --> 00:31:59.279 Did the dogs get fed today? 00:32:02.480 --> 00:32:04.880 Context, have I told you that I was gonna feed the dogs today? 00:32:05.200 --> 00:32:05.440 No. 00:32:07.440 --> 00:32:13.440 I'm just walking in and I'm noticing some things about the house. 00:32:13.839 --> 00:32:18.160 That's why I was like, I feel like I didn't have to feed the dogs and I didn't. 00:32:18.400 --> 00:32:20.880 Anyone else feeling horribly defensive right now? 00:32:21.200 --> 00:32:24.559 Anyone else want to be like, it's not my job to feed the damn dogs? 00:32:24.799 --> 00:32:25.279 That's right. 00:32:25.440 --> 00:32:26.079 That's my point. 00:32:26.240 --> 00:32:29.200 Because I'm like, maybe maybe the bit isn't feel comfortable all the time. 00:32:29.359 --> 00:32:29.680 Yes. 00:32:29.839 --> 00:32:32.079 Maybe the bit isn't about me all the time. 00:32:32.400 --> 00:32:34.480 Maybe the bid is to see. 00:32:34.559 --> 00:32:37.519 So there's the thing that we let's just even say, I'm gonna add context if I may. 00:32:38.079 --> 00:32:40.960 Let's just say I promised you, or it's my job to feed the dog. 00:32:41.119 --> 00:32:45.279 My job is to feed our cat to make sure it has food in its cat dish thingy. 00:32:45.680 --> 00:32:46.799 I have now not done that. 00:32:48.319 --> 00:32:51.599 You are in the feels a little close to home. 00:32:53.759 --> 00:32:57.680 Anybody else can see that as a bid, not a criticism? 00:32:59.519 --> 00:33:00.559 Isn't that the shift? 00:33:01.200 --> 00:33:01.440 Right? 00:33:01.519 --> 00:33:10.559 Because I want to go to it's a criticism, I need to defend, which will mean I will turn against, or I'll do something like, Well, did you feed the cat? 00:33:10.799 --> 00:33:12.160 Did you fill the car with gas? 00:33:12.319 --> 00:33:13.119 Did you cook dinner? 00:33:13.279 --> 00:33:14.400 Did you do right? 00:33:15.599 --> 00:33:17.519 It's just a turning against. 00:33:19.119 --> 00:33:24.880 However, I can do it to not see it as a bid, not say, What let's just let's play it out. 00:33:24.960 --> 00:33:25.680 What if I didn't? 00:33:25.839 --> 00:33:27.200 Oh, I totally didn't. 00:33:27.440 --> 00:33:28.480 I am so sorry. 00:33:28.559 --> 00:33:31.920 I know you always say, like, when you come home, the dog's fed. 00:33:32.000 --> 00:33:32.960 That's totally my bad. 00:33:33.039 --> 00:33:34.160 I am I I'm on it. 00:33:34.240 --> 00:33:36.799 Let me do it right now because like I see that. 00:33:37.039 --> 00:33:38.799 How does that does that feel like I got close? 00:33:39.200 --> 00:33:40.160 Someone make it better. 00:33:40.319 --> 00:33:40.960 No, that's good. 00:33:41.119 --> 00:33:41.599 Make it better. 00:33:46.000 --> 00:33:47.440 This is all hypothetical. 00:33:47.599 --> 00:33:48.240 Hypothetical. 00:33:48.480 --> 00:33:49.519 I love that you love the dog. 00:33:50.079 --> 00:33:52.319 Okay, does anybody else have a way to make it better? 00:33:53.119 --> 00:33:53.920 Was that? 00:33:55.680 --> 00:33:58.720 No, everyone's even just even just like a oh, I didn't. 00:33:58.880 --> 00:34:01.359 And then I might even jump in with like, oh okay, I'll do it. 00:34:01.519 --> 00:34:05.200 Like it wasn't necessarily to try and get you to do it. 00:34:05.440 --> 00:34:06.319 Even body language. 00:34:06.400 --> 00:34:10.639 It could be like, oh, I totally didn't, as opposed to like Yeah. 00:34:11.760 --> 00:34:12.159 Yeah. 00:34:12.320 --> 00:34:13.119 That was a good idea. 00:34:13.280 --> 00:34:14.480 Okay, I got another, I got another one for you. 00:34:14.880 --> 00:34:15.039 Ready? 00:34:15.440 --> 00:34:16.079 Oh my god. 00:34:16.800 --> 00:34:18.000 Yours are really hard. 00:34:18.159 --> 00:34:18.960 Oh yeah. 00:34:19.840 --> 00:34:20.159 Okay. 00:34:20.559 --> 00:34:21.840 This one you're all gonna answer. 00:34:21.920 --> 00:34:22.480 Okay, hit me. 00:34:23.119 --> 00:34:24.079 No, I wanted you to do it. 00:34:24.159 --> 00:34:24.320 Okay. 00:34:24.480 --> 00:34:25.119 Okay, I'll do it. 00:34:25.360 --> 00:34:26.000 All good. 00:34:26.480 --> 00:34:27.840 I just got this new dress. 00:34:27.920 --> 00:34:28.480 What do you think? 00:34:28.559 --> 00:34:29.840 How does it look on me? 00:34:30.480 --> 00:34:32.559 Okay, this one's too easy. 00:34:33.119 --> 00:34:34.880 Damn, you look good. 00:34:35.119 --> 00:34:36.079 Damn. 00:34:36.880 --> 00:34:38.159 That would be the appropriate one. 00:34:38.320 --> 00:34:42.239 You haven't, I've noticed you haven't really done any turning away ones. 00:34:42.559 --> 00:34:44.800 That one's it's I can I can tell you're right. 00:34:44.880 --> 00:34:48.239 I'm a little bit it feels kind of gross. 00:34:48.400 --> 00:34:48.960 Let's try it again. 00:34:49.039 --> 00:34:50.000 So we're gonna new dress. 00:34:50.239 --> 00:34:51.519 Okay, do it, do it like a turn. 00:34:51.679 --> 00:34:53.280 Well, I'm giving you the turn away. 00:34:53.360 --> 00:34:53.440 Okay. 00:34:53.760 --> 00:34:54.559 He's gonna turn away. 00:34:54.639 --> 00:34:54.960 Okay. 00:34:55.199 --> 00:34:56.559 I just got this new dress. 00:34:56.639 --> 00:34:57.440 What do you think? 00:34:57.760 --> 00:34:59.920 Do you think this tie's working for me? 00:35:00.159 --> 00:35:02.800 I feel like I I maybe made it a little short. 00:35:04.000 --> 00:35:04.960 That was good. 00:35:12.800 --> 00:35:13.599 How's that for? 00:35:14.000 --> 00:35:14.480 What's that one? 00:35:14.639 --> 00:35:16.079 Turn away, turn against? 00:35:16.639 --> 00:35:17.760 Turn against. 00:35:22.480 --> 00:35:29.039 Can you see in that the number of times you probably did it? 00:35:29.840 --> 00:35:31.360 You turned against. 00:35:32.000 --> 00:35:33.599 Or you turned away. 00:35:34.639 --> 00:35:37.920 That one where who did the Ug Mondays? 00:35:38.079 --> 00:35:38.800 Who did that one? 00:35:39.360 --> 00:35:40.079 Bryce. 00:35:40.400 --> 00:35:44.800 Anyone ever have someone go, Wow, my Tuesday's certainly brutal? 00:35:46.000 --> 00:35:46.400 Right? 00:35:46.639 --> 00:35:49.920 We think the response is, oh, they're sharing. 00:35:50.079 --> 00:35:51.519 I should share back. 00:35:52.320 --> 00:35:54.800 But what you did is you didn't see their bid. 00:35:54.880 --> 00:35:59.599 You just played off them and ignored it and went off on your own tangent. 00:36:02.559 --> 00:36:10.079 Can you see now how this stuff impacts relationships? 00:36:12.559 --> 00:36:17.440 How often we've done it where we turned away, we turned against. 00:36:19.840 --> 00:36:21.199 But the details were wrong. 00:36:21.360 --> 00:36:23.039 It doesn't count then, right? 00:36:25.199 --> 00:36:29.760 And yet that's getting stuck in their long-term memory. 00:36:31.840 --> 00:36:37.599 And their primitives in their brain are looking at us going, you do not see me. 00:36:40.559 --> 00:36:43.119 That's what the Gotmans can watch. 00:36:45.360 --> 00:36:50.239 And say, you will not be together in four years. 00:36:54.639 --> 00:37:04.960 The other side of this is this when you turn towards, you will be amazed at how much that impacts your relationships. 00:37:05.280 --> 00:37:10.159 With your kid, kids make noise so that there it's a bid. 00:37:10.960 --> 00:37:12.239 We do the same thing. 00:37:13.280 --> 00:37:13.599 Right? 00:37:13.679 --> 00:37:14.880 It's a bid. 00:37:15.599 --> 00:37:17.599 It's not don't be huffy. 00:37:18.800 --> 00:37:19.920 It's a bid. 00:37:21.360 --> 00:37:29.199 Walking in in a new outfit, especially little kids, you know, is there at that age where they're transitioning away from my parents dressed me to I'm gonna dress myself? 00:37:29.360 --> 00:37:30.639 That's a bid. 00:37:31.039 --> 00:37:32.800 How dare you wear that? 00:37:34.559 --> 00:37:39.360 We walk through our world and we just see now I can see bids everywhere. 00:37:39.840 --> 00:37:44.079 And the question we have to ask is, do we want to turn against them? 00:37:45.840 --> 00:37:48.880 Do we want to do that horrible damage of turning away? 00:37:51.519 --> 00:38:01.840 In an age of cell phones and TikTok and busyness, that turning away one is easy. 00:38:04.400 --> 00:38:07.199 It's too easy to just be focused here, isn't it? 00:38:11.920 --> 00:38:26.320 May we be a community that is conscious, that is awake, that sees the bids coming towards us and chooses to turn towards them. 00:38:26.639 --> 00:38:29.119 Unless the person's evil, then I feel like we can turn against them. 00:38:29.199 --> 00:38:29.679 Does that work? 00:38:29.840 --> 00:38:30.480 Is that a thing? 00:38:30.639 --> 00:38:32.480 No, you're right, Trevor. 00:38:32.639 --> 00:38:34.639 Damn the Christian story. 00:38:36.079 --> 00:38:42.559 May we be a community that sees the bid and turns towards them. 00:38:42.719 --> 00:38:56.159 If you have been, like me, unskillful, if you have a pattern of turning against and turning away with someone that matters to you, here's what I want you to do this afternoon. 00:38:57.440 --> 00:38:58.800 Apologize. 00:39:02.400 --> 00:39:04.000 I am so sorry. 00:39:06.880 --> 00:39:11.519 I am so sorry I turned away from you all those times. 00:39:15.119 --> 00:39:16.320 That's an excuse. 00:39:17.119 --> 00:39:19.039 I am so sorry. 00:39:23.360 --> 00:39:32.880 May we be a community who builds incredibly healthy relationships here and with everybody else in our life. 00:39:33.760 --> 00:39:36.000 I'm gonna skip the amen and just go to hell yeah. 00:39:36.079 --> 00:39:36.719 Hell yeah? 00:39:37.360 --> 00:39:38.079 Thanks everyone. 00:39:38.159 --> 00:39:38.719 Have a great week. 00:39:38.800 --> 00:39:41.199 Thanks to everyone who was able to come up on the mic.