How Do You Respond When You've Failed?

What happens inside of you when you fail someone you actually care about? Not the small stuff—the real moments, where you try… and it still isn’t enough. Something shifts. Stories form fast—defensive, protective, extreme—and in the moment they feel true. But those same stories quietly pull us away from the very people we’re trying to love well.

In this week’s Undercurrents talk, we’re going to look beneath the surface of those moments. Because if we can’t see how our unconscious Parts respond to failure, we’ll keep repeating the same patterns—hurting our relationships and missing what actually matters. Like Paul said, there are forces inside of us pulling us to do the very things we don’t want to do.

Join us at the Spiritual Gym this week.

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Transcript

Speaker 1 0:02

Um good morning. Hi, I'm Bryce. Um so as many of you know, we have, you know, one pastor now, Vince. Um, Vince went to Mexico to help with the Mexico trip. He's very uh excited about doing that. And that means that he needed somebody to take over this week, and that person is me. I have never seen such a parent leaving their child at home alone for the first time energy out of a man as stoic as Vince. Um so, you know, uh, I'm sure that if he was watching, he really loved our iris cover. Uh, thank you everybody for singing. Um, it was great. Um, you sounded beautiful back there. Um so uh a little bit about me before I start. Uh so my name is Bryce. I'm a volunteer here. I've been here for about uh 10 years. In my day-to-day life, I am a tech bro. Um, but I love this place. I volunteer here a lot. Um like some other people in um, you know, at Friends Church with us, I am either a Bible school dropout or completionist. I was the dropout. I had a lot of questions like if Adam and Eve had two kids, how did they walk to a new city? And they didn't like those questions a lot. And I eventually wandered off and found my way back. Um, but I love the way that we deal with spirituality here and the Jesus tradition. So I'm I'm very excited to be up here um speaking to you folks. Um, and you know, the Vince has has been very clear with me about this, and I think it's important for me to say it to you all as well for context is that I am not um up here because I am a role model uh or like inherently have anything right. I am up here, generally speaking, about the things that Vince knows that I am working on at the same time. I'm generally like working on it and really, you know, obsessed with it. So this was really great, this message he assigned to me. Um, so yes, I cannot iterate enough. I am not a role model, but you are welcome to listen to me because I'm in the middle of it with you. So, to start off with today, I want you all to think back to the last time you failed somebody that you didn't want to fail, probably someone that you cared about. Um, in a way that that failure was so significant that they actually had to tell you about it. I want you to think back to a moment where you got called out for failing or letting somebody down. And maybe for you, this is, you know, you got a text from your family, your mom, a parent saying, like, hey, like you, you really didn't do what I needed you to do there, uh, and I'm hurt. You know, it could be a slack message from a boss or a coworker, you know, it could be for a lot of us talking to a partner, you know, and then at home, you you failed something at home and you got a text about it, or you had to have a talk about it. Um how did that moment feel? If you're able to find one and sit with it, I just want you to sit for a second with that moment of being told you let me down. How did that feel for you? These moments are extremely difficult. And what's really interesting is that in my job, um, because of what I do, my job is actually to be incredible at hearing this idea is bad, or like you didn't do a good job. My job is to like rapidly prototype stuff and bring it up, and we can find the problems, and then we can make it better really fast. And so if this was a job interview, I would tell you, oh, I love feedback. I just love it so much. I love hearing when I have failed at something. But you know what I love more than that is uh never being told that I failed and always being told that I'm so brave and doing a good job. And then that's all that matters. And in this series, um, we've talked a lot about our unconscious parts and you know, the stories that they surface to us uh in specific moments. And I think that this moment where we're called out for letting people down is, at least in my life, one of the most fertile moments for our unconscious parts to surface these stories that we have about ourselves or about the world. And so we want to talk about that today. Um, I'm gonna start with uh a tale of my own because I'm doing the pastor thing and this is how we start. So um, the last time I lived with a partner, I remember as we were talking about her moving in and being like, that that seems like a good experiment to try. I remember something she said to me. She said, I need you to understand that like I have a really high degree to which I need my home to be clean for me to not feel anxious. She was relatively open about being somebody who struggled with like anxiety and related things. A lot of that was related to like her space where she lived. And to me, I kind of uh, you know, was like, well, I'm a minimalist. Like this, this isn't that hard. I'm I'm not inherently, you know, a mess, um, which is really cool uh because it was a very fun little Icarus moment for me. And I remember after she moved in, um, I think it was even just sort of one of the first days, sort of post things are are unpacked. And I went, like, hey, I don't know if you've noticed, but like, it's like really clean around here, and I'm super nailing this. Um, no, uh, false. She did not feel that way. And I just remember going, I do not like how this feels right now. This is a very bad moment to be me. And as I was thinking back about it, I realized that the story that my brain surfaced, it came so fast. Like being told you let me down, and that moment of the switch to I'm gonna feed you a story right now to protect yourself. I immediately went, well, okay, uh, listen, it's probably just your anxiety. This is not on me. Like this was this was in itself an impossible task. So, like, really, I don't really have anything to change here or work on. And the cool part was that instead of just thinking it, I said it out loud, um, which did not lead to a very good few days. But um, you know, as somebody who is trying to be better, I decided, okay, I can change my routine a little bit. I understand. So I work from home, you know, you come home later in the day. I will commit to sort of every day at, you know, five o'clock. I'll get up from my desk, I'll do a scan of the place, and I'll get it all clean. And I really committed to that. And I was like, yeah, this is whatever, this is fine. I've got this, just a little extra effort. And I remember doing that for a week or two weeks or something. And I just remember the sense that like something was still wrong here. And I'd kind of be like, pretty good, right? And she'd be like, Yeah, yeah, it's it's good. But like the, you know, as we say, as the kids say, the vibes were off. And I remember finally there was a moment where it all broke. So I had told this story to myself about how, well, it's not even why bother, you know, it's it's her brain, it's not my problem. And then I kind of recommitted to trying a little bit. And I said at the door one day, this is pretty good, right? And I guess she'd had a stressful enough day that she finally told me the truth and was like, you are continuing to fail at this. Like, this is not good. And I don't even feel safe in our space. And I'm looking around, going, like, I simply cannot fathom what is what is wrong with what's happening right now. And I remember her saying to me, You're doing such a bad job that I wonder if you're doing it on purpose to hurt me. And that is jarring. That is extremely jarring. It is, it is one thing to go put in a half-hearted effort. Okay, maybe it wasn't good enough. It's your fault, whatever, I'll I'll circle back to this. But to actually be trying, to really thinking that I was caring and doing a good job and being told, my brain actually perceives that as an attack. That's how bad you're doing. That was really tough. And I remember in that moment, the story that surfaced was maybe I am just never going to be good enough in general. Not this, not this moment, not it, not it noticing when the thermostat has dust on it or or whatever this is, but maybe I am just never going to be good enough. I remember this just complete collapse of like my belief in myself to rise to a challenge. That was that was that was really jarring. And I tell this story because like this experience here, this is an example of how these moments were when we are called out for failure, perceived or real, it doesn't matter. These are such prime moments for our unconscious parts to tell stories. Nobody said to me, you are incapable of being a good partner, but that's what surfaced. You know, nobody said to me, Hey, you don't have to try very hard, she's anxious, but that is what surfaced in that moment. And these stories surface as realities. That is the problem with the stories. Is that, you know, as as Vince said, you can have two people sitting across from each other with completely different stories about the world. The problem is that they both believe those to be entirely true. And the spiritual work is what do we do with that gap? And that's been the focus of our series so far. So we have a quote from Paul here that Vince has brought up, I think, every week when we've been talking about the stories that that surface when our unconscious parts take over. And Paul said, this is a Vince paraphrase, and I can tell it's a Vince paraphrase because there is an exclamation point and um a question mark after a word. I don't understand my own actions. Um for I don't do what I should, but I do the very thing I hate. I can feel something deep inside of me trying to keep me doing the things I don't want to do. That's a Vince paraphrase of the Apostle Paul. So we talked about that in this series through the immunity to change model, and we'll throw up the table from the immunity to change model, which is we've talked about sort of, okay, listen, what's the change we want to make? What are the things we need to do or not do to make that change? Which parts inside of us are committed to make sure we don't make that change, and what beliefs do those parts have? And when we say parts with a capital P, we are talking about these unconscious parts that are trying to, in a way, protect us, um, but we'll see how they they keep us from growth. So in this series, we also talked about the state of the world. Is it better or worse? I remember watching that talk sitting over there. And and Vince asked the audience, hey, listen, is the world getting better? Put up your hand or worse. And he was very crafty, he was very sly. I really liked what he did with this message, but he went, here's the thing: there is actually evidence for both of these being true. And he showed us the evidence. And the question wasn't, are you right or are you wrong? The question was, if one of these stories is the lens through which you're viewing the world, why? Is this an unconscious part telling you, well, the world is really good and like thus I don't have any work to do? Or is it the opposite? This is one area where I kind of am getting it okay, sort of correct, which is that I think the world is getting worse. However, my brain uses that story to be like, thus, you have to be a better person. Because if you can't tackle the big problem, you should probably be better in your community. Um, the next week, as Kyla alluded to, we talked about whether or not we need people. And in that talk, uh, I don't know because I was sick. Um, so if you guys liked that talk, that's great. It was probably awesome. I have no idea what happened. It was probably along the same lines. So today, this is my turn, and I'm gonna talk about these stories in our relationships and these moments that were called out for failing. Um, and what's really, really interesting is that the Bible seems to get to this like really early on. Like it's it goes, there is an earth, and then there's like two stories about how that's all made, and then there's people, and then they make two people, and then we're like there right away. I don't know if that's significant, but it felt significant to me because it was my job to obsess over this. So here is here is the verse in in two parts. I'm gonna read uh Vince's translation and also side note, you guys should have seen Vince's face talking about this. He's like, Yeah, like I went into the Greek, and like I found this word. It was so cool. So I'm gonna read Vince's version and I'm gonna paraphrase for the rest of us. So um, and it came about after some days that Cain, and obviously he had to spell it that way too. We know it's spelled C-A-N when we read when we read it. And it came about after some days that Cain brought to the Lord an offering of the fruits of the earth, and Abel he also brought of the firstlings of his sheep and their fat portions. And God looked upon Abel and upon his gifts, but on Cain and on his offerings he was not intent, and it distressed Cain exceedingly, and he collapsed in countenance. And the Lord God said to Cain, Why have you become deeply grieved, and why has your countenance collapsed? If you offer correctly but do not divide correctly, have you not sinned? Be still. His it's I don't know why he left that in there. Recourse is to you, and you will rule over him. It okay, so here's what this says to me. This this is my takeaway after spending a lot of time in this. Cain and his brother Abel brought offerings to the character of God. God says to one of them, Hey Abel, good job, big guy. And then God looks at Cain and says, You failed. Cain's face looked upset. There's this line, the moment his countenance drops, it was very obvious. God, noticing that his his face had dropped, he looked upset, he looked hurt by this assessment, says, Uh, why do you look upset? You failed. Did you want a participation trophy? That is my translation of that. And as somebody who was raised with participation trophies, I kind of do sometimes want one. After I spent a lot of time with this verse, this is what this is what kind of came to me from this. Um, I was genuinely really shook by this sentiment of, you know, the character of God is just so blatant here. There is no like, you tried pretty good, maybe do better next time. It was just you failed. And I don't know if that's like a generational thing where that like really seeped into my bones, and I was like, that feels really yucky. But maybe that was the point for the writers. However, as I thought about this, it reminded me of something that my therapist had said to me. And it kind of brought it into a different light, which is the reality is that if we want to be in relationship with people, um, especially in our families, our romantic relationships, but even in our day jobs, our friendships, there unfortunately are criteria. One of the things that my therapist kind of taught me early on in our work together many years ago was to learn to say the phrase, to be in relationship with me means. It means that there is actually a set of criteria, in a sense, that needs to be met. There are things that I can accept or not accept. We just use the term boundaries. You know, for me, I do need to be with people who are more empathetic, that have, you know, generally like a decent outlook that see the good in people. Um, I can't be around people who are going to tell me that country music has value. I won't do it. Um, you know, and and I need to be with people who accept that me, like anybody else, has like a small wounded, unconscious part in me that is going to sort of come out and and and needs needs to be dealt with, you know? And for all of us, we have these things, whether it's you're somebody who is, listen, my time is super important to me. And when you show up late, you have failed me. There isn't really a do better in that. And I think that's sort of what this is this is hitting on is that to be in relationship means we are going to let people down. Because if we love healthy people, they're going to set boundaries with us. And what happens in the moment that we are told we have failed a boundary is such a huge part in how that relationship and how we move forward in the world as humans. So thinking back to that Bible story, does anybody remember from Sunday school uh what happens next? Can I see a show of hands? Does anybody know what happens with Cain and Abel? I'll just I'll just go to Kyla here what happens.

Speaker 17:44

Um he's a very kind to give Cain extinguishes his brother.

Speaker 1 17:50

Yes, Cain just murders his brother. That's how this story goes. And there there is no middle part, by the way. Like it goes from like the character God goes, Hey, you didn't do a very good job. And then we cut to Cain murders his his brother in a field. So my question as I read this was, okay, how do you even get from point A? It's backwards for you guys, point A, to point B. Point A being, hey, your offering wasn't good and you failed, to I'm gonna kill my brother now. I don't actually see how you can get there without unconscious parts surfacing stories. Maybe I'm reading a little bit more into it, but I think about Kane saying things to himself like, oh, like, well, if Abel wasn't in the picture, my offering would be good enough. He's a special boy and God loves him more, or just being so angry that he will never be good enough, anyways. So why bother? It it's it's really, really hard to see how you get from A to B without the unconscious stories in the middle. And so, you know, when I when I was talking about doing this message, my job up here is to help us as a community wonder if in ourselves we don't have stories we tell us. And if we can leave here today being more curious about that, then we've all done our jobs together as a community in the spiritual gym. And I want to give you a couple more examples of how these stories show up in our lives. So um Vince and I, as we were talking, we realized that these sort of seem to break down in these moments of failing people. Our stories break down into uh external, where we where we blame, and then internal, where we sort of shame ourselves. And they have really different energies and and tones. But in the end, as we'll circle back to, they all sort of seem to serve the same purpose in our in our lives. Our unconscious parts are doing the same thing with both types of stories. So I'm gonna share some examples. I was gonna challenge you to go, uh, is that something that I maybe done a little bit before? It's not easy work, but we're here and I'm gonna do it. So um, external stories, stories where we blame the world. So I have one friend, um, he's around my age, and you know, he's he's single, he's been trying to date for a while. And when I talk to him, the narrative and the story that he has about sort of the state of the world and especially dating in 2026 is I don't have really a better way to say it, but like extremely disheartening and toxic. You know, one of these people that just I won't go into details, but it's just the thing is rigged, you know, humanity's broken, people are broken, blah, blah, blah. He still is trying to date and meet people. He still has the goal of meeting somebody special to spend his life with and build a family. But that narrative has taken over so much that I just watch it poison all of his interactions with people. I know that from talking to him before he goes on a first date, if I'm like, are you excited for this date? He's like, nah, like people just want a free meal out of me. And I'm like, that's really good energy. That is that is gonna translate so well. And you extrapolate that, and how is that energy gonna show up after if he even makes it through a first date, second date? That energy and that narrative of like people are out to get me, this thing is rigged, it's too hard, is not gonna show up in a good way that gets him to his end goal, but he still holds on to that narrative. For myself, I want to note that I actually do think that there are structural problems in the world. This is one that I think is even true. Like the state of dating in 2026 is a nightmare for everybody involved. But the question is, what do we do with that story? Is it is it okay to have that story and then say, you know what, that is true. So maybe I have to change my approach. Maybe I have to be a little more honest with myself. Maybe I have to be more mindful. Maybe I have to accept that this is going to be maybe more work than it was back in the day. Maybe there is a risk to my self esteem if I'm doing this improperly. And we can See that even if we have a story about this that is external, if we see it, we can change the way that we think about it and then move through the world. Um internally, these ones are tougher. You know, this last couple weeks, I don't know if you can tell, but I am sick. Uh this has been a really hard couple weeks for me in terms of like everything lining up, in terms of work being crazy and like consulting and volunteering stuff, and then Vince texting me every night at 11 p.m. being like, You're gonna do great. I'm not nervous at all. Have you met with the message coach? Did you review it? Did you send Francis the slides? Yes, Vince, please let me sleep. Um But I really did overload myself in the last couple weeks, and and it was really funny because as I was preparing a message about the stories that we tell ourselves when we fail people, they just kept coming up. And I was like, oh, friends, church life, this is happening in real time to me. But you know, I had a friend who had gotten me tickets to the Flames game, and I just looked at my week and I was just I kept saying yes to stuff. And I was like, hey, listen, like, can you just give those tickets to somebody else? My other friend reminded me that's actually the second time you've done that to her, where she's tried to give you a gift and you've been like, nah, like really late. And it sucked. Like it hurt so bad to know that I failed somebody. And again, sitting at my computer writing this message, the story came to me. Maybe it's best if you just don't have friends at all. That's not a very good story to tell. And we'll see why that came up. An even more jarring, I think, story of this is that um, you know, I had a really tough relationship with my mom growing up. We've we've heard me talk about it and hint at it. But um, you know, in my early 20s, I sort of cut off communication. Later in my 20s, as I had started kind of working with a therapist, we we discussed, like, hey, you know, is this how you want to leave this? Or do you want to maybe open the door to something growing or being repaired? And we decided that, you know, again, to use the boundary language, the boundary to set there would be it was really important to me to hear her say what she thinks had had thought had happened. Because I thought that for a long time we had sort of skirted the issue. We had not said it out loud. Um, and to me, that was really important. So I reached out to her and I said, It's been a while. I know that you want to know me. This is sort of the criteria. And I had really planned how sort of gently I said this. I was like, to me, it's important that you can name the things that happened that were traumatic, abusive, whatever they were. And I just remember her response being, uh, oh, I guess I'm just the worst person in the world. Why bother? And that was it. That was the end of that story. And I've I've never spoken to her again. Um, I asked my grandma about that one time, and she said, you know, here's the thing with your mother. She has done some very terrible things, but to protect herself, she has built up so many stories. She has built up so much in her head that I truly believe that she is unable, physically unable, to recall what has happened. That is the power of these stories in our lives. It's not just a matter of, oh, am I slightly more grumpy? Am I difficult in traffic? If we leave these things unchecked, especially in these moments where we fail people, the amount that they can sort of grow and strangle everything inside of us is crazy. I don't think at the start of any of our lives we would go, hmm. I hope I'm the kind of person whose unconscious parts tell them stories and then I buy in and then I like lose the people I love. But that is how powerful these things are and how they flare up in these moments. Why? This is the big, the big question. We've we've talked about this, and it's it's it's in the name immunity to change. But I want to quote uh one of my professors from business school. And I think it's like the only thing I remember from business school was this quote. So it was a very bad student. But he said, there is no growth without conflict. These stories inside of us exist to protect us from pain. Right. If anyone's done this, it is very therapy 101, but you know, we have these narratives that come from our trauma. They are trying to protect us. But in protecting us, they're protecting us in the short term. They're protecting us in the moment where we are exposed to maybe we need to own something and change it. Right. In my case, it was maybe I have this view of myself that I'm trying really hard at cleaning my home, but maybe I'm actually not. Maybe I have to do something like, I don't know, watch a YouTube video on how a shower is cleaned. Maybe I have to learn what those bottles under the sink are for. Maybe water in a paper towel isn't good enough. You know, they exist to protect us from that because change is really, really, really painful. You guys might know this, but it it is physically difficult for our brains to change. It takes mental work, it takes physical electricity and calories. And these unconscious parts reach up and they tell us stories designed to allow us to go, well, here's actually why I don't need to change. Whether that is a story that goes, well, it's actually the world's fault, I like, why even bother? The whole thing is rigged against me. And even the opposite side of going, well, I guess I'm just trash, even though that sounds like you're doing the work, you're not. You're avoiding the work. Because the next line in, oh, I guess I'm just bad, is thus I am not going to try. And that is what these stories do to us. And that's what it's our job to recognize. Our stories, surfaced by our unconscious parts, are trying to be such a big help. And at some point we have to let them go. Because I want to show you how, if we can actually get this right, there is joy on the other side if we can master this moment. And I cannot believe that uh this actually also came up this week. This is so silly that the source of getting this right is somebody that I would call an a child. They're an adult. But I volunteer sometimes at at local shows because the kids are doing rock and roll again, and the shows are crazy. So they need more volunteers. So I work with somebody there, and um, we were sort of standing around talking, and she said something that just really like hurt my feelings. And I was like, oh, I'm kind of like newish here and helping out. I really don't want to set the standard that that's like okay. And in my head, the story that came up in that moment was like, by the way, like this is a 23-year-old girl, and you remember watching Mean Girls, and you've heard about TikTok, and this is gonna go really bad. Like, this person is just going to probably bully you when you bring this up. And I was like, Oh, okay, but I still have to do it. And so I kind of found her uh in like the back room, and I said, Hey, listen, I just I'm sorry. The thing that you said there was just like really that sucked. And again, I expected her to be like grow up old man. And that would have maybe been an okay answer that I would have accepted. But I remember so viscerally, she like stopped what she was doing, she turned to me and said, I'm really sorry that happened. I wasn't aware. I have to finish this thing I'm doing right now. Can we talk about this after? Like, are you kidding me? That's a 23-year-old person, and they are nailing this better than I am. And the thing that stuck with me was like the shift in me. When we can get this right for the people that we care about, think about if you can bring that energy to your relationships and your work. Like I was coming in going, this is gonna be bad. I was on my guard. And when people are calling us out, they're probably on their guard. But in that moment, if we can say, hey, story, maybe take a seat. I'm just gonna approach this with like some kindness and some humility. It was absolutely absurd. The change in me, and I'm like, oh, I can I can handle this. This is great. This is I feel good. No, no, we're we're pals. Thanks for hearing me out. And then longer term, coming back to my first story, I did eventually, after fits and starts, and I want to highlight the fits. I had a lot of fits in this process of sharing my space with somebody, but I did eventually go, here's what I'm doing. I keep looking at this through my own lens because that's really easy. I'm looking around this place and I'm going, well, is it good enough for me? Thus, this is good enough. The work for me was after I went, Well, I'm garbage and I'll never be better. I had to say, okay, like, what is this? What do I actually have to do here to do a good job? Um, starting with actually asking a single question. Like, what does good enough mean to you? Great, really bold first step of just asking a single question. And I remember I actually went through the very uncomfortable and painful growth of learning to do this thing in the way that she wanted to see it done. And the change in our relationship was crazy. It was, it was huge. It was actually just this very peaceful period that followed, where for the first time, when she would come home and kind of take a look around, it wasn't this like anxious, like rolling her eyes of like, oh, I guess I have more work to do here. It was like, okay, good, good to see you. My unconscious parts really, really wanted to keep me from doing that work. They did not want me to watch the YouTube videos about how vinegar is used. You guys know all the videos. They didn't want me to try harder, they didn't want me to change my routine. They didn't want me to say, I guess I do have something to learn here. They wanted me to go, it's your fault, this is too hard. I guess I'm gonna fail anyways, and just continue being the person I was forever, because that's really, really easy for my brain. But this is Friends Church. We all came here for a reason, right? We came here to, as we say, as I I heard, I heard Jeff say one time, I think, we're here to become healthier in ourselves so that we can be better people for the world around us. So my challenge to everybody is that I believe that every person in this room is is capable of seeing that our brains, our unconscious parts, will surface stories at us in these very painful moments where we're called out. And my question is: can we stop seeing them as our true realities? And we can we start seeing them for what they are, which is extremely helpful, podcast listeners, I'm doing error quotes, extremely helpful stories that they're telling us to protect ourselves from having to change and the pain of having to change. Pay attention, name it, take a breath. And the next time you're in a moment where you're like, I'm being called out right now, if you can just go, okay, okay, I am gonna pay attention to whatever story's coming because there is a fork in the road right now where I either say, Hey, character God, thanks so much for saying my offering sucked. Do you have any cool tips? Uh, or we can kill our brother in a field. Um, that's the moment that we find ourselves in. And I want to leave you with a quote. Um, so we've we've heard from the Apostle Paul in this series. And then I was like, I'm gonna be so pastoral and grab another quote from Paul or Socrates or Jesus or something. But I kept coming back to this line that I had once heard um on Bojack Horseman, uh, a cartoon about an alcoholic ex-actor who is just a real piece of shit in general. Uh, here's how Bojack's biographer describes a moment with him. Quote, he filled the air with words, terrified of silence, as one often is when smart enough to recognize his many personal failings, but unwilling or unable to take the steps required to fix them. So may we be a community aware that we have personal failings, but be brave enough to take the steps required to fix them. Thank you so much. Go home now. Uh Dave and Kyla, thank you for the iris cover. Incredible stuff. Really, really good. Uh, thank you all for singing. Uh, and yeah, have a great week, everybody.