BMP (Buffalo Music Players) BREAKING EPISODE: Rebecca Ryan

No, she's not a superhero, but she is a writer, artist, and a model in Buffalo and we're showcasing Max Fisher's very own Peter Parker Mix for our showcase today, so it kind of evens out.

She's just dropped a book called "The Ashes of Us" a book of poetry that leaves nothing out when it comes to finding yourself after allowing it to be emeshed with someone else.

You can find the book on Amazon and follow Rebecca  @beccaboo13.

BMP Sponsors are:

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BUFFALO CREATIVE WORKSHOP

MAMMOTH CANNABIS

SHIANNE WAXING STUDIO

Theme for the Shianne Waxing Studio Commercial was Conducted & Composed by Philip Milman

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:08

It's a B parkhead if you are just playing well. This is our way of helping Avengers. Like, why you gotta park here? Everybody got up. To be quite honest, I don't got a job. Look in there, prospect. No, for the park. I'm not this on too pretty. If the rogue and can do it, I sure can. I've never fought the school, so I've got the upper hand. If the rogue can do it, I sure can. I've never fought the school, so I've got the upper hand.

unknown 1:02

It's the BMP pocket. It's the BMP pocket. It's the BMP pocket.

SPEAKER_02 1:22

The bringer of life. The bringer of unimaginable joy. The cause of catastrophic destruction. Knowing that you have something so powerful, wouldn't you want the best to take care of it? Pardon me for saying this, I am just a humble announcer. But if I had a coochie, I'd probably get it waxed at Cheyenne's Waxing Studio on 830 Elmwood Av. You have power in between your legs. So why not have it taken care of by the best? Hey guys, this is Max from the BMP Podcast, and today we have a poet slash model. We've had models, we've had poets, but never a model poet. And today we have Rebecca Ryan.

SPEAKER_01 2:10

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 2:10

Please introduce yourself.

SPEAKER_01 2:12

Hi, I'm Rebecca Ryan. I'm 25 and I'm from Hamburg, New York.

SPEAKER_02 2:16

Hamburg, New York. Well, it's a pleasure having you today.

SPEAKER_00 2:19

Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 2:20

Yep. And um, I just want to say with a name like Rebecca Ryan, you were like destined to be either like a Marvel superhero or an author. So I'm glad you chose the latter because that's way safer.

SPEAKER_01 2:31

I it is way safer, and I feel like I would have better luck in that than a superhero.

SPEAKER_02 2:36

Absolutely. It's pretty crowded nowadays, though.

SPEAKER_01 2:38

Yeah, it really is.

SPEAKER_02 2:40

Um, how did you let you start right off? How did you start modeling?

SPEAKER_01 2:43

So I started modeling when I was 16.

SPEAKER_02 2:48

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 2:48

I signed with an agency.

SPEAKER_02 2:50

Oh, so you're like legit.

SPEAKER_01 2:53

Kinda, yes, because I am still signed to them, but I like to do my work separately. Um, so whenever they're I give like a job or something, they'll call me. But I also like doing it with like the photographer that I was with because um it just adds more to my portfolio.

SPEAKER_02 3:17

Do you feel like it's more freeing when you do your own stuff or when you're with the agency?

SPEAKER_01 3:22

Um, it's more freeing when I do it by myself.

SPEAKER_02 3:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:25

Because I get to choose what like I want it to look like. Like I can choose the one most recent was the siren one. I got to choose that. Um the one with on the beach with the fire, I got to choose that as well. Yeah. So it's a lot more free in that department.

SPEAKER_02 3:43

Are you like uh are you in the fire and stuff? Are you like a pyromaniac?

SPEAKER_01 3:47

No, I'm more because of all the stuff that I've seen, there has been fires, and I'm like Yeah, so it there's a lot of I'm more into like my personality is like girly girl and tomboy. Okay. So I wear makeup and like do my hair and everything like that. That's the girly girl side, but I like the darker energy that comes from it.

SPEAKER_02 4:09

Gotcha. Did you play sports too?

SPEAKER_01 4:11

I did. Gotcha. Played a few.

SPEAKER_02 4:13

Gotcha, gotcha. Because you you know, you gotta play some sports.

SPEAKER_01 4:16

Uh hockey was my favorite. Oh, there you go. Ice hockey.

SPEAKER_02 4:18

Did you get in the fights and stuff?

SPEAKER_01 4:20

I did.

SPEAKER_02 4:20

Oh.

SPEAKER_01 4:21

My dad told me not to be a dirty player.

SPEAKER_02 4:22

Okay, well.

SPEAKER_01 4:24

I was in the panel about several times. I'm not even gonna lie.

SPEAKER_02 4:27

Well, I'm I'm not gonna carry on that part of the conversation because I don't want to get punished in kids. Alright. Um, what do you like about modeling? Like, um, as towards like the artistic expression, what do you enjoy about it?

SPEAKER_01 4:41

It gets to show, like, I get to express myself in my creativity side. Um, because in a lot of different it's just very it gives you a confidence boost as well. You're like, gee, I look good. Like, if you're having a bad day, sometimes it's like, you know, I'm gonna do a shoot, and I can like hit up my photographer and be like, Can we do a shoot? And then after I'm like, ooh, I look hot. So it gives you a confidence boost as well, and it's just I've always been very like attention on me. I get that from my father's side.

SPEAKER_02 5:14

Yeah. So So you're you're like an ego maniac, right?

SPEAKER_01 5:17

I am okay.

SPEAKER_02 5:18

Well, at least you admit it. So I try to be humble, but it doesn't always work out well. I gotcha, right?

SPEAKER_01 5:24

So I like to obviously be like, put the camera on me.

SPEAKER_02 5:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:30

So I like being the star of the show. That's what I yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:34

I gotcha. I got you. Well, let's lead into the poetry. What do you like about doing poetry?

SPEAKER_01 5:40

It's a way, it actually just really started off like something like my therapist told me was like, write your feelings down, and that's simply where it started. And then I started to get I went to college for a semester, and I had an amazing uh teacher who taught me like poetry and like different writing techniques and all that. So I really took more interest in poetry than actually writing a like a book. I like poetry, um, like milk and honey, um, stuff like that. Even when I was like two, I liked uh green ice and ham and the nursery rhyme? Yeah, that's like the uh so I've liked poetry since I was young, and I just started to figure out how to write it, and I loved it.

SPEAKER_02 6:27

Gotcha. What would what um did the teacher give you like a specific prompt or something that was kind of just eased you into like making it?

SPEAKER_01 6:34

Um she more gave us like a rubric of how to break it down and what should be included and what shouldn't, and that's more of where she taught me and like use proper punctuation, proper English, don't uh cut words in half, like she really guided me on it and like the setup of it as a few years. Yeah, like the structure, the structure, the page setup, how it's supposed to be, because the page and the is different from regular books. Yeah, so that was also more difficult part figuring out the dimension of how they're supposed to be. Um so I was glad that she did that.

SPEAKER_02 7:15

Can you do that? Um, what's the called I Am Big Pentameter?

unknown 7:19

I can.

SPEAKER_02 7:20

Yep, I'm very impressed. I'm impressed by myself that I was able to just say that. So the fact that you can do that is doubly impressive.

SPEAKER_00 7:27

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 7:29

Um, so do you feel like poetry and your modeling are two sides of like the creative coin? Like you can get something specific out with poetry that you can't get with modeling and vice versa.

SPEAKER_01 7:41

Yes. You can more express your feelings in poetry than you can in a picture. Um poetry, it's basically like a little journal, so you're able to write all your feelings down. You don't really model your feelings out. Yeah. The only thing you're really modeling is like attitude or like a smile, but that's it. But in the book, it's more in-depth.

SPEAKER_02 8:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:11

And on a deeper, more raw side.

SPEAKER_02 8:13

Gotcha. Have you ever thought about maybe doing like a kind of like a poetry book that like incorporates your modeling photos?

SPEAKER_01 8:22

Um not really. I never really thought about it. Only because it's like I don't even know how I would do that. Like it's just you put a picture in there, but like what do you put as your feeling for because that's you can't really feel the picture.

SPEAKER_00 8:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:46

It's just like more events that happen to you.

SPEAKER_02 8:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:49

You can put that in a book.

SPEAKER_02 8:50

Gotcha. Well, let's talk about the actual book that you dropped, The Ashes of Us. What um, what was like, what was the genesis of you dropping this book?

SPEAKER_01 9:02

Like, what do you mean?

SPEAKER_02 9:04

Like, um, what was the what was the reason? What would like what made you want to drop a book of poetry? Because a lot of people they just like, I want to keep this in my journal, I'm not gonna share it with everyone. So it's like it's pretty brave to just drop any type of um poetry book nowadays, honestly.

SPEAKER_01 9:20

The dude in there pissed me off.

SPEAKER_02 9:21

Got you.

SPEAKER_01 9:23

So I wanted to call him out on it.

SPEAKER_02 9:26

And so you dropped the whole uh poetry book?

SPEAKER_01 9:30

Of of everything, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:32

And I dropped his name in there too.

SPEAKER_02 9:34

Yeah, you yeah, yeah. I thought you I was the real name. Yeah, I was like, damn, you didn't hold any punches. No, I didn't.

SPEAKER_00 9:39

I was just wondering like I took jabs right at him.

SPEAKER_02 9:41

Was there like like a specific thing that happened though? Like this is like the last straw, and I'm gonna drop the like I'm gonna make this whole thing, or was it just like a culmination of time?

SPEAKER_01 9:51

Um, it was more over time, I the first time I was like, you know, I'll let it go. Because I'm like, you know, that's high school, you know, that's past.

SPEAKER_00 10:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:05

Well then I was like, okay, this is the second time you screwed me over. And then there was a third time. And I was like, okay, I'm putting this in there. And at first it started with little like clipets of it, and then the only reason why I went back is so that I'd finish that. So when he screwed me over the fourth time, I was like, Goodbye. I finished it and I dropped it, and haven't talked or spoken to him since.

SPEAKER_02 10:41

Gotcha.

SPEAKER_01 10:41

And he read it, and so did his friends.

SPEAKER_02 10:43

How do you know that he read it? That he messaged you or something.

SPEAKER_01 10:48

After I dropped it, he did.

SPEAKER_02 10:50

Gotcha.

SPEAKER_01 10:51

He sent Hey Stranger.

SPEAKER_02 10:53

Oh. Wow, this is um, yeah, I've never seen something like this, honestly. So it's pretty interesting. There's like something so like this is a very personal poetry book. And then to like drop it in such a professional level, too, like listeners, um, this is a very like professional book. And it's also made from in Ohio, which I was impressed to you because usually people just do it from China. So cool to keep it in the USA.

SPEAKER_01 11:20

Yes, I I definitely wanted it to be memorable. It is I wanted to go out with a bang. Let's just say that.

SPEAKER_02 11:29

It certainly is. And um, after what you told me about your personality and stuff, this kind of just seems just up your alley.

SPEAKER_00 11:36

Oh, it is. I don't know if we could swear, but uh I told his friends, I was like, fuck around and find out.

SPEAKER_02 11:43

What have been the um what have been the uh reactions from like your friends and his friends and oh his friends are laughing at the storm?

SPEAKER_01 11:50

They really are like, they're like, call him out, call him out.

SPEAKER_02 11:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:55

They're like, he put you through hell, dude.

SPEAKER_02 11:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:59

So his friends are like really they love it. They love the idea, they love everything about it.

SPEAKER_02 12:06

Was this like very um cathartic for you to put all this stuff in there?

SPEAKER_01 12:11

What do you mean?

SPEAKER_02 12:12

Cathar catharsis in the sense that like once you put this in there, like you were holding on to stuff, but then once you put it on the page, it kind of felt like a weight was lifted. Was it kind of like that?

SPEAKER_01 12:24

Yeah, it it was because it was more of like because I don't really I'm not a person that expresses my emotions very often. I really hold it inside, so when I was able to uh unleash everything into that book, it did. It also helped me more like I'm not really angry at him anymore. I'm not I'm just indifferent. So like that really helped me like move on from the anger and the frustration and everything related to that.

SPEAKER_02 12:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:55

Um, because holding out to that really made me bitter, so it's I'm glad I put it out there. Um, because I'm glad everyone else is enjoying it.

SPEAKER_02 13:06

Um you're making some money too.

SPEAKER_01 13:08

I am, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:09

Nice.

SPEAKER_01 13:10

So it's like a good way to to make money, and honestly, I I did tell him that. I was like, thank you for the hell you put me through because that everything you put me through that I put in that book actually helped me buy my first apartment.

SPEAKER_02 13:24

There you go.

SPEAKER_01 13:25

And he was like, You're welcome. I was like, mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 13:32

Hey man.

SPEAKER_00 13:34

I still take a jab at him.

SPEAKER_02 13:36

Hey man, you gotta do what you gotta do.

SPEAKER_00 13:38

I I I it worked.

SPEAKER_02 13:41

What made you um wanna drop this cover? It's like just a very close-up of your face. And your eyes look red, like you're like your eyes are literally fire.

SPEAKER_01 13:50

Yeah, so those are my real eyes. I drew that.

SPEAKER_02 13:53

Oh, you drew that?

SPEAKER_01 13:54

I took a picture of my eye and then I drew that.

SPEAKER_02 13:58

Huh. Huh.

SPEAKER_01 14:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:00

I didn't know you were an artist too.

SPEAKER_01 14:02

Yeah, I draw. I I do a lot of drawing.

SPEAKER_02 14:05

That's kind of weird that you said that you're not a very expressive person, but literally like everything you do is very like expressive.

SPEAKER_01 14:11

So I express it through creativity. Oh, I'm sad.

SPEAKER_00 14:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:17

That I'm and why are you sad? I don't know. I'm heartbroken. No. I I'm just like draw it out. Um, obviously write it out.

SPEAKER_00 14:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:30

Instead of like being open with my friends. And I guess that's how I've always been since I was a young age.

SPEAKER_00 14:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:36

So I mean, that's why I do what I do, but I I'm very creative.

SPEAKER_02 14:44

I can I can definitely see that. I can definitely see that.

SPEAKER_01 14:48

That's why I go, I also went into dog rooming because I get to be express my creative side on that as well.

SPEAKER_02 14:54

And you love dogs, right?

SPEAKER_01 14:55

I do. How did you get into dog grooming since we're in a so I went currently I'm working at Hansen House, which is a new uh a new place in Hamburg. Gotcha. I did a two-year at Iru and Bose's for animal science, and then I did an internship at Best and Show, and then I worked at a vet hospital as a vet assistant, and I was like Not for you. No, the things I saw there were not good. So I more practiced my my skills around the neighborhood, and then when I was like, okay, I want to actually do this like for real.

SPEAKER_00 15:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:36

Because I jumped around to eyelash technician, to police officer, to security, to all these.

SPEAKER_02 15:41

You'd be a good police officer.

SPEAKER_01 15:43

That's what everyone said. Everyone said that. And I no, I actually was like thinking about it. Like I was gonna join the Rochester Police Department and I'm still thinking about it. Yeah. Because it's not that I don't like dogs or dog grooming, I love it.

SPEAKER_02 15:57

And if you become a police officer, you you still got you still get to deal with dogs.

SPEAKER_01 16:00

But I'm more of an adrenaline rush jockey.

SPEAKER_02 16:03

Yeah, I can I can see that.

SPEAKER_01 16:05

And I'm very emotionally very tough. Yeah. So the things that like would not affect me more on like that that side, like, I would be able to handle that. Yeah. Then being able to handle seeing animals that are more struggling.

SPEAKER_02 16:29

Gotcha, gotcha.

SPEAKER_01 16:30

Because I'm I'm very empathetic when it comes to animals. I don't know why, but not with people.

SPEAKER_02 16:35

Yeah, you know, you gotta You gotta choose one sometimes. Yeah, so probably and you're probably better off caring more about the animals, you know.

SPEAKER_01 16:42

So Yeah, because they don't have a voice of their own. Yeah, so that's why.

SPEAKER_02 16:47

Have you always grown up with like dogs and animals and stuff?

SPEAKER_01 16:50

Oh yeah. I had I actually had a fish one time and it lived till it was ten. And then my friend killed it.

SPEAKER_02 16:58

I'm sorry. That's okay. RIP fish.

SPEAKER_01 17:00

I know. His name was Vemo.

SPEAKER_02 17:02

Got you.

SPEAKER_01 17:03

But I did have two dogs in what her sister passed about two years ago. But I thank God I have Abigail. She is the most beautiful dog. She's a mut, but she's so sweet.

SPEAKER_02 17:18

What is she mixed with?

SPEAKER_01 17:20

Every dog known of mankind. She's mixed with Grey Peronese, she's mixed with Terrier, she's mixed with Dachshund, she's mixed with Husky, mixed with French Bulldog. I can keep going.

SPEAKER_02 17:33

Oh okay. I believe you. Yeah. She's the rainbow of dogs.

SPEAKER_01 17:37

She really is the sister, actually.

SPEAKER_02 17:43

Yeah, I have no idea what that is. That dog is a nice looking dog, but I couldn't tell you what it is.

SPEAKER_01 17:46

It's got some husky in it.

SPEAKER_02 17:48

Yeah, the eyes are.

SPEAKER_01 17:49

The eyes and the fluffy tail, but everything. I I we did a DNA test. We thought they were half half loud, half husky. But turns out no. Because they were one year old, and my dad's like, why aren't they getting any bigger?

SPEAKER_02 18:03

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:05

So that's when we did the DNA testing we found out they were mixed with everything.

SPEAKER_02 18:09

That's pretty cool. That's pretty cool. Alright, we're getting to the part of the pod where we um name an artist or a band in the city. So, um, who would you like to uh recommend for the people? Alright, we'll just play one of my songs, all good.

SPEAKER_00 18:26

I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_02 18:27

No, no problem.

SPEAKER_00 18:29

I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 18:30

We'll just play one of my songs.

SPEAKER_00 18:32

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 18:33

Peace guys. Man, life just isn't letting up. I feel like the walls are closing in, and I don't have a way to stop it. I wish there was somewhere I could go. Some place where I could just get away from everything.

SPEAKER_03 19:40

And just be creative. There is the Buffalo Creative Workshop. Who said that? Spirit of Creativity. I heard you play. Okay, in the Great Arrow Building on Elmwood Avenue. Use our space, our art supplies, and equipment to your heart's content. Let us hope you be back less dressed and feel centered again.

SPEAKER_02 20:06

Wow, that sounds great. I'll check it out.

SPEAKER_03 20:10

Always remember if the world has your creative spirits in a rut, come to the Buffalo Creative Workshop for a pick-me-up. More about Buffalo Creative Workshop can be found at Buffalo.creativeWorkshop on Instagram.

SPEAKER_02 20:29

Alright, guys, and we're back. Now Rebecca's gonna read her favorite poem from the book.

SPEAKER_01 20:35

Okay. So it's called Trusting the Untrustwort Untrustworthy. You had some fucked up psychology to you. Your smile studied me. It didn't fall in love. You didn't study you studied me and diagnosed me. You saw the tremor behind my smile, the way we tore you when praised, the hunger to be chosen, like it might cauterize old wounds. You learned my history, the way a lock learns a key, slow, precise, memorizing which memories screamed and which ones went quiet when touched. You didn't break me all at once, that would have been sloppy. First came a laughter, not the kind laughter, the kind that dissolves silence, that fills a room so complete so completely that you forget to ask who's in control. You mirrored my pain back to me with better punchlines, called me special, called me smart, called me devilish. Then you moved the floor, a joke at my expense, a warm embrace wrapped in a grin. A test disguised as affection. Relax, sweetie, can't you take a joke? And I learned confusion was safer than clarity. You rewarded obedience with warmth, punished doubt with absence. Nothing wounds like being ignored by the person who taught you how to breathe again. You rewired my guilt into loyalty, made me believe pain was proof I mattered. Bruises became evidence of intimacy, fear became foretight for devotion. You told you told me you understood what you were getting yourself into. So when you pushed me into danger, I called it trust. When you disappeared like sounds of sirens, I told myself heroes were boring anyway. You kept me off balance on purpose. Affection at one moment, cruelty the next. A rhythm that made my nervous system mistake chaos for connection. Addiction dressed as romance. You watched my fractures and applauded my performance. You're perfect, you said, as I laughed through the tears. As I burned bridges for you, as I erased the woman I used to be to become something loud enough to survive. I thought I was becoming powerful. You knew I was becoming predictable. I loved you. You loved the leverage you had on me. The joke was never love. It was control with a soundtrack. And the punchline, I stayed long enough to forget the difference.

SPEAKER_02 22:50

And what would you like your legacy of this book to be?

SPEAKER_01 22:56

Just for women to be aware of let's just say red flags. Um be aware of loving yourself first before loving someone else. Keep your heart guarded enough. But don't forget how to love. But don't give yourself fully to someone who is not willing to do the bare minimum. This really teaches you that it's okay to walk away because better things are coming your way. Learning how to grow without the person that you love is better than enduring the pain.

SPEAKER_02 23:44

Gotcha. Well, Rebecca, it's been a pleasure talking to you today. Thank you. This has been the BMP Podcast. After a long day, it's hard to turn off. That's why I go to Mammoth Cannabis on 212 Ohio Street. Their stuff I'll have you laid out flatter than a mammoth foot. From flour to pre-rolls, vaporizers to concentrate. You can rest assured that something big is waiting for you at Mammoth Dispensary. Just keep in mind, if you smell cereal from the General Mills factory nearby, they can't help you. You have to go home and get a bowl yourself. It's a dispensary, not an eatery after all. It's the BP podcast. If you are artists, no matter discipline, we'll help you out. Don't believe in gatekeeping, we all gotta eat, and this is our way of helping out. We try the best. So here we go. Like, why you got a podcast? Everybody got them. To be quite honest, I don't got a job. Looking at prospects like a one gon' rock. Thank you for the pot. I'm not designed for crime. I'm too pretty for present. But talking off the dome, I'm finna make a kill. If Joe Rogan can do it, I sure can. I've never fucked a stool, so I've got the upper hand. If Joe Rogan can do it, I sure can. I've never fucked a stool, so I've got the upper hand.

unknown 25:30

It's the B and B pocket.