THE EXPIRATION DATE

People say attraction is personal...

Until somebody gets attracted to somebody they weren't expecting.

Tune in.

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Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

They say real men don't talk. I say they just haven't been asked the right questions. This ain't about trends. It's about truth. About faith that don't fold, love that costs something, and manhood that still means something. I'm not here to argue. I'm here to build. This is the Always Up Podcast, Season 2, Too Real to Win. For the men, still trying to love right in a world that loves wrong. I was sitting in Starbucks the other day minding my business, trying to convince myself that paying $8 for a caramel mocchiato was somehow a good financial decision. And then this couple walked in. Well, I think they were a couple. Honestly, I couldn't even tell if they were dating. For all I know, they could have been co-workers discussing spreadsheets. He could have been explaining formulas while she was trying to quit. I have no idea, but that's kind of the point. Within a few seconds, my brain was already trying to figure them out. You ever notice that? Nobody says anything, but people are always observing, watching, and trying to connect dots that may or may not even exist. And the funny part is I caught myself doing it too. Not judging, just curious. Because that's what us humans do. We see somebody and immediately start creating a narrative, and the older I get, the more fascinating that becomes. Because most of the time we're not working with information, we're working with assumptions. It could be a glance, a photo, a quick interaction, a headline. Then we start building a complete story around it, and somehow the story always feels real. That's why when you think about it, we see 10 seconds of somebody's life and start filling in the other 90 years. And I realize that's probably why conversations about dating get so weird. Most of the time we're not reacting to the relationship. We're reacting to the story we created about it. That's not the same. Because the truth is none of us really know what we're doing. We don't know what makes people laugh or what they've survived. We don't know what they needed at that moment or what happened before they met. But somehow, we're all convinced our version is the correct version. That's impressive because I don't even know what I'm eating for dinner tomorrow. But apparently we're qualified to explain complete strangers. That's when I started thinking about this whole idea of attraction. Because people always say attraction is personal until somebody gets attracted to somebody they weren't expecting. And that's when things get interesting, because everybody's cool with attraction in theory. It's the application people struggle with. I don't think most people care that attraction exists. I think they're surprised by where it lands. That's different, because nobody's shocked when attractive people like attractive people. Nobody's shocked when people date someone they expected them to date. The reaction usually comes when somebody breaks the script, and that's why these conversations get so loud, because every person looking at the situation has a different ideology in their head, a different expectation or outcome they thought made sense. Then somebody comes along and completely ignores it, and now everybody's confused. Not because the relationship is confusing, but because the expectation was wrong. I've noticed that a lot as I've matured. Everybody says they want people to be happy until people start being happy in ways they didn't approve of. That's always interesting. People swear attraction is personal, right up until somebody dates a person they wouldn't have picked for them. Then all of a sudden it's a group project. And I love when people say, I just have questions. No, you don't. You got conclusions wearing a fake mustache. People don't like having their assumptions challenged, especially the ones they didn't realize they had. Because once the assumption breaks, now we gotta ask a different question. And sometimes that's the question people were trying to avoid the whole time. The funny part is, most of us don't even realize we're carrying around these expectations. They just sit there quietly until somebody comes along and completely ignores them. You know what else makes this whole conversation funny? Attraction doesn't seem to care about the rules people create for it. And that's why folks get frustrated. You've probably seen it yourself. Somebody dates the exact type of person they swore they'd never date. Then suddenly all those deal breakers become suggestions, like they weren't there when it happened. I've seen people spend years explaining what they're looking for, then fall for somebody who sounded nothing like the description. And somehow nobody finds that strange. If we're being honest, most of us have dated someone that made absolutely no sense. The kind of person your friends warned you about, the kind of person you warned yourself about, the kind of person you promised you'd never talk to again. But that's what makes attraction so fascinating. It doesn't always follow the plan or a checklist. Half the time it shows up and completely ignores the presentation we spent 20 minutes giving it. I've seen people reject somebody on paper, then meet them in person and completely change their mind. I've seen people describe their perfect partner, then end up with somebody who wouldn't get past a first-round job interview. That's why I laugh when people try to turn attraction into a formula. If attraction followed formulas, a lot of us would have avoided some terrible decisions. A lot of us would have avoided some expensive decisions too. Some of you didn't find your soulmate, you found a financial lesson, but attraction wasn't interested in your business plan. Let's be honest, people get uncomfortable when attraction doesn't land where they expect it. Because deep down, most of us still want it to make sense. We want attraction to be predictable, we want it to be logical, then we meet someone and suddenly the whole game plan falls apart. That's happened to a lot more people than they'll ever admit. That's why I never laugh when somebody says, I didn't see that coming. Most of the time, neither did they. Then 10 years later, he's built something. He spent enough years getting punched in the face that he finally knows who he is. And all of a sudden, people start acting surprised that he's getting attention. Why? The guy didn't win the lottery or make a drastic change. He grew up. I've seen guys get their life together at 45 and people act like it happened overnight. Nobody was this interested when he was sleeping on an air mattress. The other side of that conversation doesn't get talked about enough. I've seen women spend years hearing how beautiful they are, getting attention everywhere they go. Then one day they realize attention isn't as automatic as it used to be. A man could become more attractive at 45 than he was at 25, and people act confused, as if the last 20 years were just supposed to be for decoration. Nobody gets mad at time until time starts affecting attraction. Then everybody wants to debate it, argue, negotiate with it. Like time cares. It doesn't, it just keeps moving. That's when the conversation forces people to look at their own lives. Because now it's personal. Nobody's really arguing about strangers. They're sitting there wondering how they ended up where they are. That's why these conversations hit nerves. You know what really makes me laugh? The amount of effort put into investigating other people's relationships. A celebrity starts dating somebody younger, and suddenly folks are back in algebra class. They got calculators out trying to determine whether two adults are allowed to like each other. Meanwhile, their own relationship is on life support. A 27-year-old woman dates a 60-year-old billionaire, and everybody suddenly becomes a hostage negotiator. Are you okay? Blink twice if you need help. What do they need help from? Flying on a private jet? I've never seen concern activate that quickly. Your friend starts dating somebody 15 years younger, and people start doing research like they're a PI. Yet they still haven't figured out why their last relationship ended. Nobody does this when attraction follows the script. Nobody's investigating when everybody approves. Nobody's pulling out calculators then. The questions start when attraction lands outside the norm. And that's when everybody suddenly got free time. People haven't called their parents in weeks, but now conducting relationship audits. Folks still got unread text messages from months ago, now concerned about somebody else's decision making. That's impressive. I wish I was that sure about anything. After all these conversations, people still want to know is it right or wrong to date older or younger? My answer is probably going to disappoint folks. I don't know. They're adults. I mean figure it out. I've never been interested in telling grown people who they're allowed to love. That's their business. And before somebody twists what I'm saying, of course manipulation exists. Of course, some people take advantage of those who aren't mature enough, experienced enough, or confident enough to recognize what's happening. That happens, and nobody should pretend it doesn't. But that's different from two adults choosing each other. Those aren't the same thing. And sometimes I think people blend them together because it's easier. It's easier to assume every age gap relationship is manipulation than it is to admit attraction is complicated. Because once you admit it's complicated, now you gotta deal with the fact that people don't always choose who you choose for them. You know what I started realizing? The more people argued about age, the less I thought this was actually about age. Because everybody knows time moves, everybody gets older, so maybe the expiration date isn't about age at all. Maybe it's the feeling that life is moving on without you. And honestly, I think we've all felt some version of it, not just in dating, in life. One day you look up and realize something changed. You can't always put your finger on it, you just know something feels different. Maybe that's why people get so emotional about this topic, because every now and then something gets said and it lands a little closer to home than people expected, and for a second, you're not thinking about them anymore. So let me save some of you a lot of time. If you're a man listening to this, stop worrying so much about your age. More time is spent arguing about attraction than becoming attractive. I've never met a man whose life changed because he won an argument on the internet. But I have seen men disappear for a couple years, figure some things out, get their confidence back, and come back looking like a completely different person. Not because they got younger, life just finally caught up to the work. You've seen it. Years go by and people act surprised by the new you, like something happened overnight. Meanwhile, you're sitting there thinking, where were y'all the last five years? Well, my time is up. Next time we're gonna get into something totally different. You did everything right, or at least that's what you keep telling yourself. Then one day you realize the problem wasn't the relationship, the problem was who you picked. Thanks for listening. Too real to win is for the men still trying to love right in a world that loves wrong. No clout, no gimmicks, just truth. I'm Brian B. Turner, and this is the Always Up Podcast. Until next time, stay focused, stay faithful, and always up.