Episode 5: You're Not a Quitter - You're Overwhelmed

Just because you paused, doesn't mean you're lost. 

Take the break.
Check in with yourself.
Come back whenever you are ready.

Songs used:

Song: Leaving
Composer: AERØHEAD
Website: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCoZbM1a4PKQ6haa2Ap4TSdg
License: Creative Commons (BY-NC 3.0) https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/3.0/
Music powered by BreakingCopyright: https://breakingcopyright.com

Song: Shine
Composer: Onycs
Website: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCNQ6vKZ5ogEZ0tM2TvxLhQA
License: Free To Use YouTube license youtube-free
Music powered by BreakingCopyright: https://breakingcopyright.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:18

Welcome back. It has been quite a bit. I think the last episode I uploaded was in October of last year, and it has been chaotic. Times continue to change. The world continues to spin around, and it broke me to be honest. I had to walk away for a little bit because so much anger, so much fear, so much resentment I felt, and so much of just what the fuck? And I needed to kind of take that step away. And sometimes I feel like you need to, and when you feel overwhelmed, when you feel not defeated, but you're just give me a second. My second took quite a bit, but I needed to gather my thoughts, my emotions. I needed to take care of things that were happening around me, especially in these times. And sometimes I get so stuck in my head of like, well, what are you doing? What can I do to change things? If I live my life, is that still doing my part? If I say something, someone takes it the wrong way. If I do this, I all these chatter boxes that I feel we all have, and you know, we all want answers, we all want conclusions, we all want, we all want so much. Like, gosh. And it's like there are moments where I remember this is my life, this is how I view it, this is how I see it, and that's all I can show. And I have been nothing but wanting to do that, and I hope that whoever does listen to this podcast, either you resonate with the story I tell, you let that fear, that anger, just feel it for a second, release it in a good way, and continue to go on, or just understand that truly no one has a saying in your life other than yourself. Now that means so many things for each individual person. So, again, no matter what you do when you're listening to podcasts, the news, all this stuff, intake it, but as well pause with it and remember to just listen to yourself. And that is one of the hardest things I think as humans we do. And it is something that I am beyond blessed that I've learned to just listen to me and block out everyone else. And if you stayed this long, I hope you continue to stay to the last of this episode. And thank you for listening and supporting me. And even if I only get four listeners, five, one, I'm beyond blessed. And thank you. And here we go. Sorry, I needed to get that drink in. Hey, Samar. No, I'm joking. Okay. After the quiet, I came back to myself. I didn't step away because I stopped loving this podcast. I didn't step away because I ran out of things to say. I stepped away because the world felt heavy, unbearably heavy. And for someone who looks like me, who feels deeply, who pays attention, it was a lot to carry. There was grief in the air, fear, anger, confusion, and I didn't know how to show up here without feeling like I was breaking apart somewhere else. So I paused, not because I gave up, but because I needed to learn how to coexist in the world we're living in now. And that hasn't been easy, and it still isn't. But I'm learning that I can't live frozen in fear, I can't shrink myself just to survive. I have to learn how to coexist with the chaos, with the heartbreak, with the truth, and still choose softness where I can. So if you're listening to this, I hope you're taking care of yourself. I hope you're checking in on the people you love. I hope you're doing what you can, even when it feels small. Because sometimes surviving is the work. Coming back to this podcast, I feel clarity I didn't have before. Not a new year, new me kind of clarity. Because that never really resonated with me. We're already a few months into this year, but for me, my new beginnings have never restarted in January. They begin when the earth begins to wake up again, when the spring equinox, when the light slowly stretches itself back into the evenings, when the worm returns after a long, quiet winter. And right now, in this in-between season, I'm trying to find the light again. I'm trying to find the kid in me. Because somewhere along the way, we got stuck inside our own bubbles. Our routines, our small worlds, and when things happen outside of that bubble, when they don't directly touch us, it becomes easier to look away, to stay quiet, to not take a stand, not because we don't care, but because we're afraid, afraid of being misunderstood, afraid of being different, afraid of losing connections. And I've learned now that I'm stepping into my 30s, that I know who I am, I know what I stand for. I thrive trying to know myself even when it's uncomfortable. I've made mistakes, I've outgrown versions of myself I once defended, and I think that's the beauty of being human. If we allow it, if we can change it, not into something perfect, but into something more honest. Years ago, I fell in love with the speech that talked about chasing your hero. Eh, I met them kind of hate now. I'm joking. The version of yourself you haven't met yet. And I realized that for so long, I wasn't chasing me. I was chasing love, validation, being chosen. I was so focused on being loved by someone else that I lost the sight of the dreams I had and the person I was becoming. And with that illusion finally broke, when I finally realized who I've been really running after, my life shifted. The universe tested me over and over, and I think it always will because I'm someone who wants to keep growing. I want to understand myself, I want to stay curious, I want to experience life with my eyes open, even when it hurts. And maybe that's what love really is. Not just romantic, but the small daily acts of care we give to the people who matter. The text messages, the check-ins, the quiet moments where we remind someone they're not alone. For a long time, I lived at the extremes. I either loved too loudly or shut down completely. There was no middle ground, and now I think I'm finally finding balance. I'm expressive, I'm warm, I care deeply, and I don't want to be afraid of that anymore. In a world that can feel so dark, I think it matters, especially now to look for the good in people, because there are moments when I lose faith and humanity. But then I see something small. A quiet kindness, a stranger's gentleness, someone choosing love when it would be easier not to. And it reminds me of who I am. I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm someone who believes people can change, and someone who still has hope even after everything. From the girl I once was to the woman I'm becoming, there have been so many versions of me. Messy ones, brave ones, broken ones, and healing ones. And learning to love each stage of myself has been one of the hardest and most beautiful things I've ever done. The people who love me through those stages, the ones who came and went, the ones who stayed, the ones who returned. That's sacred. And yes, I still think about the past. I build narratives, I imagine futures. I used to feel ashamed of that, but now I understand you're just a part of who I am. I feel deeply. I imagine vividly. I remember. And what I've learned is this every human we meet leaves something behind. Every connection aches in its own way. So if you're listening to this, in whatever season of life you're in, I hope you're taking a moment to reflect on the kind of human you want to be. How far you come, who you love, who you need to tell. I don't believe it'll ever be too late to reach out. I don't believe friendships can't be rekindled. I don't believe a simple I was thinking of you is ever meaningless because we don't know what one call, one message, one moment of honesty could do for you or for someone else. And we don't know what tomorrow will bring. So why I'm here, why I can, I want to live honestly, I want to love openly, I want to show up for the people who matter, and I'll leave you with this. What season are you in? What kind of human are you becoming? And what do you stand for when no one is watching? As the light slowly returns, I hope you let yourself return too, to the truth, to the love, to who you are becoming. This has been the beautiful ache for the heart still healing and the ones trying to stay soft in a world that's asking them to harden.