If I Ruled the World

We think everyone would agree that there’s a lot wrong with the world at the moment. And wouldn’t it all be a lot better if you were in charge? Yes you!

Think of all the sensible policies you could enact to make the world a happier place!

Such as banning the socks and sandals combo.

Or bringing back the death penalty for playing jazz in a public place.

Or free wine for the over 40s.

So this week Morgan and Rhianydd take up their seats in the parliament of Cloud Cuckoo Land and put before the people their Top Three Policies For A Better Britain.

Will Morgan introduce compulsory Barbra Streisand Studies to the national curriculum? 

Will Rhianydd convert all religious buildings to the worship of Freddie Mercury?

Well no, cos that would be silly. But if you want to find out what’s really on their radar then be sure to cwtch up with us and tune in.

And don’t forget to cast your vote for your favourite WWW and cultural moments.

See you at the hustings!

Follow Morgan James @morganjamesofficial

Music by James Biebrach

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:17

Hello and welcome to Whose Coat Is That Jacket? Old Friends New Conversations with me, Rihanna Bibrak, and him Morgan James.

SPEAKER_00 0:28

Hello Bat, how are you? Shamay! I'm good, thank you. Tidy, what have you been up to? Um well I have been on my holidays.

SPEAKER_01 0:40

You've been on your holidays, have you? What on your holybobs?

SPEAKER_00 0:44

On my holybob.

SPEAKER_01 0:45

Holybobs, where have you been on holybobs?

SPEAKER_00 0:47

I thought you hated that word.

SPEAKER_01 0:49

I do, which is why I just used it to test you.

SPEAKER_00 0:52

We've been to uh California, Los Angeles.

SPEAKER_01 0:55

La la land.

SPEAKER_00 0:56

La la land, bit of a favourite of ours, bit of a got a lot of friends there. So as you know, we used to go there a lot. And even Todd didn't move in there once. I'm glad I didn't do that. Um but um I do love it. We went over for a friend's birthday. Uh friend had quite a big monumental birthday, and I was singing at her one of her four events. My god, a lie.

SPEAKER_01 1:19

I thought you were gonna say I was sick then.

SPEAKER_00 1:22

And I was sick at one of her four events.

SPEAKER_01 1:25

You were singing. Oh, that's nice.

SPEAKER_00 1:27

Um, yeah, we had a fantastic time. We flew back on Monday. I'm struggling with jet lag. I can never ever beat it. You try every little tip and trick, but it always gets me.

SPEAKER_01 1:40

Have you tried the diehard trick?

SPEAKER_00 1:43

No, I think you messaged me about that. Remind me of the diehard trick.

SPEAKER_01 1:47

So in die hard, yeah, my favourite Christmas film, yeah, by the way. Um, in die hard, uh Bruce is jet lagged when he arrives in LA from New York, and a fella on plane advises him to take off his shoes and socks, stand on the rug or the carpet, and make fists with your toes. So you kind of rub your toes, you know, sort of flex your toes in and out on the carpet. And apparently that key was jet lag.

SPEAKER_00 2:17

Um, I have bare feet right now, I have carpet, and I am doing it as we speak.

SPEAKER_01 2:22

There we are. So I Bruce Willis wouldn't lie to us.

SPEAKER_00 2:26

No, I'm sure he wouldn't. But um I don't know if John McLean actually did it though, did he?

SPEAKER_01 2:33

You can see it. It's a plot point, because that is why. And spoilers, I'm sorry for those of you who still haven't seen Die Hard, even though it was released in 1987.

SPEAKER_00 2:44

You should have seen it by now, Satan.

SPEAKER_01 2:46

You should have seen it by now. This is why he's got bare feet in the rest of the film.

SPEAKER_00 2:51

Got it. He's doing it in our office or something, isn't he? Yes. Yes, that's it. I will try. I mean, I've been barefoot since we flew back on Monday in the house, anyway, because I tend to be barefoot in the house. But I haven't made fists in the carpet, not for quite a while.

SPEAKER_01 3:07

Fists for the toes.

SPEAKER_00 3:08

Fists for myself. I shall try that. Yeah, it was fabulous. The weather was just sublime. I mean, I think people make places, don't they? We both love the city and the coast, and we've also got some good friends there, so that was quite nice hanging out with them, staying in their lovely house up there.

SPEAKER_01 3:21

Wow, lovely.

SPEAKER_00 3:22

Up in Runyon Canyon. How have you been, my lovely?

SPEAKER_01 3:25

Well, you you've been to Runyon Canyon, you just said. Well, I can top that. I've been to Cheddar Gorge. Yeah, I went to Cheddar Gorge day before yesterday. Very nice too.

SPEAKER_00 3:36

Now I'm not feigning interest here, okay? I am genuinely interested because I think the last time I went to Cheddar Gorge, it would have been with a mini you and me, and we both would have been in horrific primary colour pack-a-max with those pockets, you know, the Velcro pockets. And it would have been a school trip, and undoubtedly it would have been pissing down with rain.

SPEAKER_01 4:00

Oh, undoubtedly, undoubtedly, yeah. And until last year, that was the last time I went as well, I think, you know, and it is so commercialised now. It's really, really busy. Is it really busy? Yeah, yeah. I don't remember it being like that in 1978 or whatever it would have been that.

SPEAKER_00 4:20

As a child, going into these caves was just amazing.

SPEAKER_01 4:25

We didn't go into the caves when we were there, we went for a walk around the top of the gorge. So you'd do a big kind of loop around the whole thing.

SPEAKER_00 4:33

Is it Somerset or Gloucestershire?

SPEAKER_01 4:35

Somerset, yeah. And it was bloody hot.

SPEAKER_00 4:38

It was very nice because when we left London a couple of weeks ago for Los Angeles, you know, I couldn't wait to get on the plane. It was like filthy day, and like, you know, you'd the takeoff was 20 minutes of turbulence getting through the clouds. And then, of course, you land in LA and you're like, this is magnificent. Coming back, we flew back you to beautiful weather as well. So it's been quite a nice top-up. Although today's a little bit shabby.

SPEAKER_01 5:03

Yeah, it's not really good today. We had rain earlier. Yeah, I put my complaint in with the weather gods. Uh, they've assured me it won't happen again.

SPEAKER_00 5:10

Good. No rain for the rest of the year.

SPEAKER_01 5:13

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that might be a problem later on, but uh it's fine at the moment. Cross that bridge. Yes, we will indeed cross that bridge.

SPEAKER_00 5:21

So we are we are well travelled, California and Cheddar Gorge.

SPEAKER_01 5:25

Yes. Indeed. Um very similar, I think. I think Runyon Canyon, or whatever it was you were talking about in Cheddar Gorge. Do they do cheese in Runyon Canyon?

SPEAKER_00 5:35

As a cheese connoisseur, you not me, you wouldn't be that impressed with it's all kind of like American Jack, Swiss, strong cheddar, light cheddar, easy cheddar. A heavy. Achavi, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:49

A heavy. On that note, of um wanting to change things, not being happy with the way things are, and feeling that things should, you know, be a little bit different. And if only people listened to you, yeah, then you know, the world would be a much better place. And as we all know, the world could do with being a much better place these days, couldn't it? Couldn't it, just I'm thinking that the uh topic I want to talk about this week, Morgan, is what would you do if you were in charge? If you rule the world and you could have three policies, your three headline policies. We're coming up to the Senate elections now soon in Wales. So if you were in charge, not just in Wales, not just in Britain, but the whole of the world, what policies would you enact to make the world a better place? Sensible policies. What would you go with? You've got three, right?

SPEAKER_00 6:43

Do you want all three of them at once?

SPEAKER_01 6:45

Or should we alternate?

SPEAKER_00 6:46

Let's alternate.

SPEAKER_01 6:47

Let's alternate.

SPEAKER_00 6:49

What I would really like, but I I don't think this could stand as a policy, but I think it would be my manifesto.

SPEAKER_01 6:55

Oh, right, okay.

SPEAKER_00 6:56

Um, I would love a world where we no longer are governed and ruled by straight, white, rich men. Because I think they're making such a fucking mess of things in nearly every country, alpha males uh who have had so much fucking privilege. That would be my manifesto, less of them in charge. Right. So my first policy and I have a worry here that I'm gonna, you know, I I see myself as quite a kind of uh liberal human being, certainly left of centre, very democratic. But I think I'm I might come over at the end of this episode as quite draconian. You haven't heard mine yet, so dropping litter is an imprisonable offence. Oh, that's an absolute bastard. That's my first one. Either imprisonable or hard labour. You have to give something back to the community, like building walls, building a nursing home, whatever it may be. But you drop litter, you fucking pay. And m money's not enough now. Yeah. Because the fine goes in the post and people ignore it. The amount of people who are ignoring parking fines and speeding fines is just costing the country millions, billions.

SPEAKER_01 8:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:14

You drop litter, you do the time.

SPEAKER_01 8:16

Yeah, I absolutely agree with you. That would have been that wasn't gonna be my first one. So I've only got two now. Um, you can have this early on. How are you going to because I've got a question this now? You've got my vote, I'm interested, but I need to know how this is gonna work in practice. So the reasons why people get away with dropping litter is because, yes, the signs up saying, no, it'll be£100 fine or whatever, but if nobody's watching spots it, or even if they do say who challenged them, we don't know who they are. So, how are you going to make sure that this solves the littering problem, Morgan?

SPEAKER_00 8:53

So obviously people are gonna get away with it. We know that. And uh we've often encouraged sort of public intervention, but the public are scared of knife crime, they're scared of people having weapons, they're scared of it becoming confrontational or violent. As citizens, we have a right and a moral duty to say something, but very often it it's not appropriate or we don't feel empowered enough to do that. So I don't think we should have a we should have a moral judgment there. Citizens' arrest is something that possibly could be encouraged. Um there's a lot of CCTV around the world. I mean, you can barely break wind without it being caught on a camera. So I'm wondering, is that the way forward? But I actually don't like all this camera stuff, so I'm then kind of perpetuating something I don't agree with.

SPEAKER_01 9:40

It's for the greater good, though, in that case, isn't it? If you're gonna catch these litter lights.

SPEAKER_00 9:45

For the greater good. What I think I would do all these private companies that councils have gone to for parking. So where I live is a prime example. Parking was never a problem here. We were the one area, Dulledge, where there was no permit parking and no pay and display, nothing. There were very little yellow lines. Um, and people, you know, you could always go out, you'd go to Dulwich Village, East Dellish, you could park anywhere. And actually, congestion has never really been that much of an issue in the 20 years I've lived here. That's all being taken away now. Yellow lines everywhere, parking bays, astronomical fees, parking car. Small businesses are suffering. People aren't going to the village anymore. Oh, you can walk. Some people can't walk, some people want to buy a lot of groceries, some people are passing in their car. You know, you should have a choice. Anyway, where's all that money going? Because I don't see the potholes getting filled, I don't see the roads being improved, I don't see more facilities for parking. So, what I would say is all those organizations that are now in place, it's there. We, you know, the councils take a hell of a lot of money for parking and parking fines. That money is pumped into fees for litter wardens. So people are paid to patrol areas and keep an eye out, particularly areas, bus stops, stations, where people are more likely to litter. I think somebody walking along a private road or a domestic street is less likely to throw something down. Some scumbag will, but it's usually on a high street, by a bus stop, by a station. So we have people who are paid to patrol that area who can make an arrest and so they have bows of arrest. Oh, they have total bows of arrest, yeah? Yes.

SPEAKER_01 11:22

Are they armed?

SPEAKER_00 11:23

They would be in pairs.

SPEAKER_01 11:25

They'd be in pairs, right?

SPEAKER_00 11:26

Are they armed?

SPEAKER_01 11:28

Are they armed?

SPEAKER_00 11:28

This is what I'm terrified of turning into something like ice on the streets of London but for litter. Um I think sadly, they're gonna have to feel empowered to do something if violence was used against them.

SPEAKER_01 11:44

So can they shoot on site?

SPEAKER_00 11:45

I don't think I would like guns, I would say batons, mace, cameras.

SPEAKER_01 11:51

Right.

SPEAKER_00 11:52

What are those what are those thingy things? Body cams recording, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:56

No, no, the the the things tasers tasers.

SPEAKER_00 12:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:00

The thingy things, the things taser.

SPEAKER_00 12:02

All that and I think it's draconium, but I think enough is enough with the litter drop in. Enough is I fucking hate it. We talked about this before, David Sidaris. He goes out every night in is it East or West Sussex and just picks up litter and he says it's just getting worse. And he's had a a bin van named after him down in Sussex. Um I think it's a terrible scourge of society.

SPEAKER_01 12:28

Oh, it's horrible. It's absolutely horrible. There's absolutely no bloody need for it. There's no need for it. Yes, litter wardens, okay, with the power of arrest, armed with mace. Yeah. I like it. Tasers batteries. Um so little um little Jenny and little Jimmy go into the sweet shop for their sweets, sweeties on a Saturday morning, come out, um, throw the wrapper on the floor. Uh, Taser or Mace?

SPEAKER_00 12:55

Well, I think little Jenny and what was his name? Jimmy, I think. Jimmy. I don't think Jenny and Jimmy are the huge problem. Because I think it's litter. Well, then no, no, no, you start them to get soft. No, I'm not, but I d uh are kids bad with litter? It's the it's the adults that kill me. Are they? It's the adults that kill me. And it's people like um, you know, uh taking wrappers off cigarette packets or throwing caps out of cars, man. Now, how do you catch that one? Okay, so what happens there with my manifesto, I would encourage citizens, if you see a driver do that, you take a photo of the car registration number, and there is a number that you forward that photo to by text, all anonymous, then authorities will intervene and go, right, we have photographic evidence of you throwing something from your car. Yeah, we are now arresting you for litter buggin. That would be a couple of things. Litter buggering.

SPEAKER_01 13:57

Litter buggering.

SPEAKER_00 13:58

That would be a crime.

SPEAKER_01 13:59

And obviously, you know, case closed, don't need a trial, straight to punishment. I know. What about like corporal punishment in the market, you know, public? Public in the market square, like it used to be done. Sit them in the pillory and chuck their bloody litter at them. Stocks, you mean to them with a big L. Litter.

SPEAKER_00 14:23

You sound like my mum now. My mum often says, I'd bring back the stocks. I don't know. I mean, I would. I don't think she lived during the period of stocks, but still she wants to bring it back. Um, yeah, well, I mean, given that it's also one of your policies, I don't want to take up all the air here on what I would do, so I'm gonna hand that over to you. But yes, I would agree with you. Um, for me, prisons is probably not so much too harsh, but I think our prisons are overcrowded and underfunded. So for s for the crime, I think a prison sentence is probably not appropriate. I think you should go on a criminal record. I think you should go on a criminal record. Where are we? The Middle East. I think you should go on a criminal record.

SPEAKER_01 15:04

Yeah. And then there's not a lot of litter in the Middle East, mind?

SPEAKER_00 15:08

There's not.

SPEAKER_01 15:09

So there you go.

SPEAKER_00 15:10

Well, it depends on where you are in the Middle East. Yeah, there isn't actually. Well, there's not mind you, there's not a lot of litter in Switzerland, but I don't think they've lop their hands off.

SPEAKER_01 15:17

You'd be surprised.

SPEAKER_00 15:18

And sometimes I get it's a bit of an accident. We have a bin near our house because of a bus stop. And often we'll wake up, I've told you, and our lawn will be look like Glastonbury after the festival. And you'll go, How the f and it took me ages to realise it's a fox, it's not people. Yeah. Or seagulls or people aren't coming into our garden and sitting on our lawn. So you have to have evidence. That's why I think these wardens would be uh integral. Cameras, maybe you do up there, as you say, for the good of society, for the good of humanity. You have somehow you have to have a way of enforcing this. Citizens arrest.

SPEAKER_02 15:55

Citizens arrest.

SPEAKER_00 15:56

I should once. I think if children drop litter, I tell you what you do then. Yeah, you find the parents.

SPEAKER_01 16:04

Oh, yes, yes, the parents. Or shoot the parents.

SPEAKER_00 16:09

Oh, shoot, can just kill the parents. You won't drop a Mars Bar wrapper again if your parents have been done. I think you find the parents, because that would really hit home.

SPEAKER_01 16:22

It would. Indeed. Yes. Well, I think that that's a very sensible policy, and it would make Britain a much happier place if that was enacted. And I I'm with you there, Morgan. You've got my vote.

SPEAKER_00 16:33

Anything uh thank you very much. Uh really pleased to hear that. What about you, given it's your first policy? Anything you would like to add to that or change?

SPEAKER_01 16:42

No, I I think uh I I think you've you've hit the nail on the head. I would uh endorse, publicly endorse all of those choices, I used to say. Moving on from that. So my second policy then would be um, as you know, I I do love I do love a costume drama. Yes. Or a historical epic on the telly or in the cinema.

SPEAKER_00 17:07

Yeah, you've been known.

SPEAKER_01 17:09

Now then one uh something which is up there close to littering, right? And the thing that really pisses me off is if you are going to do a costume drama or any kind of creative endeavour filmed, set in the past, bloody make it period accurate, for God's sake. So if there are any um cock-ups, let's call them cock-ups, right? Any sins. So if somebody's wearing the wrong kind of armor, for example, it's medieval, and they're wearing armour from the 11th century, and this is actually the 13th century. I mean, what the hell is going on, right? Or if they're using the wrong kind of arrows in their longbow, or if if they've got the wrong kind of headdress on, or if they, you know, if so if there's a costume, an acronism, or almost as bad, almost as bad, um, some kind of language, linguistic, anachronism. For example, I was watching um an otherwise very good adaptation of a novel. It was on a couple of years ago now, set in the 18th century. Very good. Um, but it was partly, I think the actors were partly improvising rather than it all being scripted. Um, and one of the characters said, wow, and this was the 18th century, and I nearly put my fist through the TV screen.

SPEAKER_00 18:37

How is that allowed?

SPEAKER_01 18:40

Oh god, it made me so bloody angry. So there's no need, there's no need for it, just get people who can do the research, right? I mean, you know, I'm here, hello, I could uh do the research for you and make sure you weren't making any terrible, terrible mistakes. So, my policy is if you are involved in a film or a TV series, any creative endeavor where you are using historical, uh, you know, it's based in history, and there is some kind of an anachronism, whether it's linguistic, whether it's in the set, whether it's in the costumes, you have to be punished by a period appropriate method of punishment. So, so if set in ancient Rome, for example, let's crucify the buggers, right? Or one of my favorite methods of punishment for Rome, and this was reserved particular actually just for people who'd committed um, I think it was parasite, killed their fathers. So it was specific, but let's have it for this as well. You were sewn up in a sack along with I think it was um a dog, a rooster, and a snake, and chucked in a tiber. I mean, that's great. No, that's that's imaginative punishment. Um, so let's have that for somebody who makes a mistake, you know.

SPEAKER_00 20:05

Can I just go back on that? You were sewn into a sack with those three animals.

SPEAKER_01 20:10

Yeah, and chucked in the tiber.

SPEAKER_00 20:12

Oh my god, that's horrific.

SPEAKER_01 20:17

No, I know. The Romans did have some very creative ways of bumping people off. So, you know, if you're gonna do a Roman epic swords and sandals gladiator type thing, you better be very bloody careful that everything is absolutely spot on, otherwise, that's what's waiting for you under my new uh law.

SPEAKER_00 20:36

Um, I mean, I was worried about being draconian. Can we just go back just for a second? I'm not gonna hijack it. If you're by the time they've sewn the sack up. Well, you're probably a bit scratched. Well, I'd say you're either dead from the snake, or they're all dead from the snake, or the dog has killed the snake, or I mean there's there's so many possibilities, but the Yeah, I it's a dog, a rooster, and a snake.

SPEAKER_01 21:03

It might be three other animals, but it's something like that.

SPEAKER_00 21:07

Really time consuming, isn't it?

SPEAKER_01 21:09

It's very time consuming. I wonder whether it ever actually happened, if I'm being honest. I uh I don't know. It seems maybe Ed Love if you're listening. It it does a message on the comments and let us know whether any evidence that it did actually happen. But yes, so uh and similarly, you know, if uh you're doing something medieval, well, it could be hang in, drawing, and quartering if you make a mess of that. Wrong kind of armor. I am sorry, yeah. Hang in, drawing and quartering. What about somebody doing a Jane Austen adaptation and they get the wrong kind of I mean, boots? Why does why does Mr. Darcy always have to be shown in boots? He'd only be wearing boots if he was riding. Otherwise, he'd be wearing shoes, I'm afraid. So you do that again, and you're gonna be publicly hanged in jail. Bitted.

unknown 22:00

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 22:01

See, I think it sounds harsh, right? But ultimately, people will get the message. And sometimes it is tough love, isn't it? That's what I think of it as. Tough love. You know where the boundaries are, and you know what will happen if you overstep those boundaries, and therefore, eventually people will not ever overstep those boundaries, and we'll have absolutely period-appropriate, correct um predictions, and everybody will be happy.

SPEAKER_00 22:30

What do you feel about uh cross-gender casting, uh swapping the roles, male to female, etc., and also colour blind casting in in historical periods?

SPEAKER_01 22:40

That's fine. I think colour blind casting, gender blind casting is making a concession to modern life. But there is no bloody need to make concessions to modern life in terms of costume. You wouldn't have, well, you bloody shouldn't have, you know, some bloody bodice ripper or an episode of Paul Dark or something like that, when Ross Poldock is trying to get bloody Demelzer out of her dress and unzipping it, you know, and using a zip instead of lacing up a bodice. You oh, don't get me started. So whoever's responsible for that, let's have a nice period appropriate punishment for that. Maybe a spell in the uh spell in the workhouse.

SPEAKER_00 23:22

I think you make a good point because when I'm certainly when I'm filled, I've done quite a lot of period stuff in theatre and TV, and the detail is important. I mean, you do get a point where you go, well, if they're looking at my belt, I've lost them anyway. Do you know what I mean? But somebody like you is probably looking at the belt. I'm less insulted by the costumes, even though I think you make a really good argument, and you've got my vote. Where you really got my vote was the use of the word wow in a period of unforgivable.

SPEAKER_01 23:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:56

It's unforgivable.

SPEAKER_01 23:58

Despite the whole thing for me as well, I'm not gonna say what it was. It was otherwise very good. Otherwise, very good. But yeah, when this woman said wow, I thought, oh I ooh, ooh, ooh, oh my god! Why we've done that? You know, there's no need.

SPEAKER_00 24:14

I think you make a really good case. Punishment? Slightly dubious of people being hung, drawn, and quartered because they put the wrong belt on someone. I think the punishment is they never get to work in television or film ever again.

SPEAKER_01 24:26

No, that's not enough.

SPEAKER_00 24:27

Oh, believe me. If you want to work in television and film and you can't do it, you I would crush them. Okay. Or they have to always wear those clothes for the rest of their life.

SPEAKER_01 24:38

Well, yeah, that wouldn't be a punishment. I'd bloody love that.

SPEAKER_00 24:41

You would, but they wouldn't, because they got errors.

SPEAKER_01 24:43

How do you know? How do you know they wouldn't?

SPEAKER_00 24:46

Well imagine you were in armour for the rest of your life.

SPEAKER_01 24:50

Yeah, be well, it'd be uncomfortable at times, I suppose.

SPEAKER_00 24:54

At times, I should think so, yeah. Anyway, yeah, okay, I like it. I like I like I like the levity of it, but also I love the Oh, I'm dead serious. I love the earnestness. I was about to say, I love the earnestness behind it as well.

SPEAKER_01 25:08

Right, what's your next one?

SPEAKER_00 25:10

I wanted to do something with Barbastries and like make a compulsory, but then I thought, no, I can't. I can't. Like she has to be played everywhere.

SPEAKER_01 25:15

Barbara Strays and G C S E.

SPEAKER_00 25:17

She has to be played everywhere. But interestingly, mine is about sound and noise and music. And you know, I said I would have litter uh made a criminal offence and litter wardens. I would also have noise nuisance marshals.

SPEAKER_02 25:36

Oh, I see.

SPEAKER_00 25:40

And this would cover everywhere. Every public place would have marshalls. I don't know if it's punishable. I don't know if it's if you find people. Perhaps it's a two strikes in your out, three strikes in your out. But it's marshals.

SPEAKER_01 25:53

I present me death.

SPEAKER_00 25:55

No, you find. I think the best way to get to people is money. Always money. On the spot as well. You pay now, and if you don't pay, you go to prison.

unknown 26:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:05

And you've got a criminal record. But what I would love is people doing the job that I think we as citizens are sick of doing, either sick of enduring, putting up with, or having to confront this scourge of people now who think it's utterly acceptable to make FaceTime or WhatsApp calls on loudspeaker in public places. I don't want to hear your fucking banal conversation. I don't want to hear it. It's bad enough being on the phone and you just hear what I'm conscious when I'm on the phone. I'm holding the phone, I'm holding a make-believe phone up listening to my ear now. Um it's bad enough when you're on the phone in a public place. Anyway, I'm conscious of people hearing me and they can't hear the other person. Why the fuck I want to hear the other person's tinny through some shit phone speaker talking crap to this person. Because it's never an interesting, important conversation. Because if it was, you'd be doing it in an office or in a private space or in your house. It's usually something like, yeah, so then we did that. Oh my god, how'd you go? Yeah, it's fucking bullshit for a start. So it offends me on that level. Um, so I would ban all that. I would have noise marshals about that. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'd have rooms. You want to make a phone call on loudspeaker, you go in there with everybody else on loudspeaker, so it's a cacophony of noise and you can't hear it. That's what I'd have. That's what I'd have. I would have loudspeaker phone rooms. Right.

SPEAKER_01 27:23

So you create like on trains, you know, we usually have a quiet carriage or whatever. You have a loudspeaker carriage. A loud room.

SPEAKER_00 27:29

And if you want to do that, you sit in there. And if you go, well they can't hear other people. Exactly, you fucking idiot. That's the problem. That's the problem. None of us can hear our own thoughts because of your fucking banal conversation. This really gets me angry. And music played? Oh my god, no, no, no. Yeah. If you haven't got headphones, you cannot hear use any device for entertainment or phone calls or videos. Simple as that. Or if you want to, you have to go to a designated room full of other people doing exactly the same thing. And we marshal it in airports, stations, trains. What I find fascinating now on GWR, there's a sign in every carriage, or there's an announcement. KoJ is the quiet carriage. Please refrain from making phone calls or watching videos on music without headphones. So it's actually been given a press. It's okay.

SPEAKER_01 28:35

Yeah. When did that happen? No, I know. I know. Yeah, the the wheel's just going to shit, isn't it? Shit. The the basic Hell in a handcard.

SPEAKER_00 28:44

Helen Handcard, the basic manners. It's the thought for anybody else, and I think I've shared this with you before. I was going up from Cardiff to visit my parents last year. I was filming down in Cardiff for a couple of months, and I took the Valleys train up, which is a lovely little journey. And it was a lovely evening. I'd had a really good day at work, and the sun was setting, and it was empty in the carriage. I thought this is nice. You know, you're decompressing. And then this guy got on, and he was my age. I don't blame the youth for this. They've gotten they don't know any different. He was my age. He got on with a bike in his fucking bike gear and all this bullshit. Sorry for cyclists. Just my husband. Might have been no, your husband wouldn't have done this. And he got on and then he propped his phone up against his bike and proceeded to watch a football match on loudspeaker. And this was the real killer. I thought I've had enough now. And I could go up and confront him, but you get sick of it. And I do confront, but you've got to be careful, and I do confront. I thought I'm gonna do the same thing. I'm gonna play Barbara Streisen because I love her, but she can also be a little bit sharp. Not everybody's cup of tea. I'm gonna play Barbara Streisen loud on loudspeaker. He didn't even f he didn't look up.

SPEAKER_01 29:55

Oh god. Yeah. So it wasn't bothering him. It wasn't bothering him at all.

SPEAKER_00 30:00

Which then said they said, Well, it doesn't bother me. Well, you know what? I could get I could get my dick out and masturbate. It doesn't bother me if you did that. So should we all do that? When does that stop being an excuse? Maybe I am angry about this one.

SPEAKER_01 30:14

I can tell. You're more angry about this than you are about Little. And sorry, last point. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:21

Why, why do restaurants have to play music so loud?

SPEAKER_02 30:26

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 30:27

So we went to a restaurant in LA. Uh we stayed with our friends Dave and Hamish. We had a fantastic time, and we didn't go out much. We stayed, they've got a beautiful house and we ate in the garden. But second night they say, come on, we'll take you to one of our favourite. I mean we know a lot of places there, but they said, Do you have me into this place? Beautiful. It was really it's quite New York kind of mahogany walls, very kind of uh dark and lovely food, and I mean nowhere's reasonable in LA, but for LA it was quite reasonable. Um but at one point I didn't want to I didn't want to bring it up because it was their favourite place, but they actually said it before me. They said the music's a bit odd, isn't it? It was like club music. So you were in this really we were in a leather booth, you know, wood mahogany walls, very low-key, beautiful lighting, beautiful food, lovely service. And I said to the waiter, this music is not congruent to be a restaurant. He said, I know I've tried based on manager's favourite playlist. I'm like, the manager's not dining here. We are.

SPEAKER_02 31:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:24

So, and I think I'm gonna I don't do this, but I think I might put some feedback out on their website. What the fuck is it with this? I don't want to be in a club. Music should be literally in the background. Yeah, yeah. It should be a nice taste in the background. Yeah, yes. So that's my I'm sorry, my second policy is noise pollution. That feels good actually.

SPEAKER_01 31:49

As a money-saving venture, um, could could you um combine the litter warden with the noise pollution warden? I can imagine that the two things go, you know, hand in hand. Could this be the same person?

SPEAKER_00 32:03

You could absolutely train them up, yeah. I mean, I think in airports. Yeah. You'd have to have war you'd have to have particular marshals in airports or not. Even on planes. I mean, Wi-Fi on planes, I think, is just dangerous.

SPEAKER_01 32:21

And would you give would you give these marshals a uniform so they can be easily recognizable?

SPEAKER_00 32:27

Yeah. Yeah. I think not only recognizable, it automatically gives them authority.

SPEAKER_01 32:32

Yeah. So are you thinking like black shiny boots, peaked hat kind of thing?

unknown 32:37

Peaked cap.

SPEAKER_00 32:38

Like a funky little kind of funny cross thing, or uh, you know, like lightning or this is not about people's background, ethnicity, culture, you know, like what terrible things that are happening in. Terrible things that are happening in modern day world, in America right now. You know, in a in a fabulous state like California, where my friends have witnessed ice on the road. I mean, it's just shocking. This is about um inappropriate, nuisance behaviour. So actually, having these rather fascistic marshals would make the world a better place. They would have to act appropriately, though. I don't want any kind of power go into their heads either.

SPEAKER_01 33:23

If somebody's on a phone definitely, there's going to be some kind of quite clear chain of command.

SPEAKER_00 33:27

Gotta be. Somebody's on a phone in public, but they're on a private call and there's no two that's fine. I'm not saying that. It's when you think I have the right to totally pollute the environment with my noise and the noise from my mobile or laptop or iPad, etc., etc.

SPEAKER_01 33:48

Etc. etc. Yes. I again I you've got my vote. I I'm with you. Um I would say, you know, don't be afraid to use the full force of the law in dealing with these reprehensible people.

SPEAKER_00 34:03

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 34:04

Yeah. And and if the full force of the law isn't strong enough, enact some new ones.

SPEAKER_00 34:09

I think yeah, what do we so what is the full force of the law with these then?

SPEAKER_01 34:16

Ultimately, you know, I mean bringing back capital punishment. So uh in all its forms, in all its historical forms, and and on all the alternatives, so transportation's gonna be in there as well, you know?

SPEAKER_00 34:31

I think they're put in a room with other people full of noise for 24 hours. Every time they do it. So you miss your flight, for example, you know you're sitting in a in a lounge or in a cafe or in a restaurant in a hood in an airport, and you're on your phone and it's loud, and everybody's listening, it's fucking banal conversation. You get picked up, come with me, you put in that room for 24 hours with other people doing exactly the same, and you miss your flight, and you pay for the new flight.

SPEAKER_01 35:01

No, is it dark?

SPEAKER_00 35:02

No, no, no, no, no, it's lit.

SPEAKER_01 35:04

No lights.

SPEAKER_00 35:04

No, it's totally lit. There's a bathroom. There's a bathroom. But um, you don't take away their basic rights. You just go, right, you want to do that? In you go with everybody else like you, and you don't have any kind of when I miss my flight, I've got insurance, you've got to pay out insurance for that. No, I fucking haven't. Shouldn't have been on the phone. Being a noise polluter. Get out.

SPEAKER_01 35:23

Yeah, I can see this working. I think I think we've got workable solutions now.

SPEAKER_00 35:28

I think they're great policies.

SPEAKER_01 35:29

Yeah, really, really workable solutions.

SPEAKER_00 35:32

So, what's your third and final policy then?

SPEAKER_01 35:34

My third and final one is actually I'm not saying that my first two weren't serious, um, but I I'm dead serious about this one, actually. Um, and basically, I think this applies to everyday life as well as global geopolitics. Yeah. And you can sum it up with a phrase if it ain't yours, leave it alone. Keep your bloody hands off it.

SPEAKER_00 36:02

I like the phrase.

SPEAKER_01 36:04

Don't interfere where you have no business. Just stay the fact out. And give me some examples. Is there anything going on globally at the moment where people are, you know, tossing their orbs about Willie Manning, getting involved in places for no absolutely bloody no reason, or no good reason really, where they're just doing shit for the sake of it. I there are one or two. I mean, Mr. Putin, for example, in Ukraine. Just keep your hands off, it's not yours. Step away, step away, get back. You know, the lovely Mr. Trump. Leave Greenland alone, leave it, leave Iran alone, leave every fucking thing alone that isn't and actually leave America alone as well. You just do one.

SPEAKER_00 36:47

Yeah, leave them alone. Please leave them alone. They've suffered enough now.

SPEAKER_01 36:52

Doesn't belong to you. Leave it alone.

SPEAKER_00 36:56

I totally agree. Goes back to my point at the beginning, I think. You know, can we have a few less fucking rich, straight white men making decisions? And that's not me being anti-white straight men. There's some fabulous white straight men in my life. I love them. I love them, and they are beautiful people, and we need them. And it's just a particular type of man, and there's far too many of them, as you say, getting involved where they shouldn't be getting involved. Putting their pecker where they shouldn't be.

SPEAKER_01 37:28

Exactly. Put it back in your trousers. Nobody wants to see it.

SPEAKER_00 37:32

No, it's never been impressive.

SPEAKER_01 37:35

So that's very simple. That is that is my final uh final policy. I don't think it needs any elaboration, really. I think it's quite clear what I stand for there.

SPEAKER_00 37:44

And what I love about your final, it's a bit like mine. We're very, I think we're very aligned. Because our first two we got very passionate about. In fact, we shared one. Yeah. And then I got very passionate about the uh noise pollution. Yeah, you got very, very passionate about uh historical accuracy. Um but my final one is like your third one, really. I think very simple. It's a crime not to vote. Okay, take me through it. Well, it's as simple as that. People died for the vote. You have to vote. And what what not voting does is create ambivalence and it creates lethargy, and I think we have too much of that in the world right now. And I think you have to make a decision. And I believe in a democracy. So if everybody on this island voted reform, apart from me and you and a few others, that's the beauty of democracy. I'm not saying you have to vote a certain way. You have to vote what you believe in. I believe in democracy. But what I am worried about is that people are just so apathetic, more than ambivalent, actually, it creates apathy. Um so I would say if you don't vote, you're fined and you find a lot of money. Because I think the only way now to get to people is money. Sadly, I think people care so much about money, and rightly so, because the world is f fucking expensive, but it's just their main driver. I don't think it's about morality or about um goodness. I think it's about just having cash. And I'm generalizing it, of course. Because we all like money, because it lets us do things. I think not voting is a criminal offence. And you get fined and it goes on a criminal record, which could affect your future employment, etc., etc., etc.

SPEAKER_01 39:39

But you must have met people. Many people, probably, in your life, where you think, Jesus Christ, all these people have the vote. Oh my lord, shouldn't be allowed.

SPEAKER_00 39:48

That's a that's democracy though.

SPEAKER_01 39:50

Yeah, it's flawed, isn't it? It's very flawed democracy.

SPEAKER_00 39:54

That's immensely flawed, but what's the alternative? No, quite right.

SPEAKER_01 39:57

Where in?

SPEAKER_00 39:58

The alternative is the world you don't want, where you've got men sticking their beckers where they and they are they're influencing the vote or taking the vote away from people.

SPEAKER_01 40:08

But if you and I were in charge, like the premise, you know, of of this this uh podcast this week, if you and I were in charge, we wouldn't need any of these rules because it would all be all be sorted. We wouldn't have to worry about perhaps we wouldn't perhaps we could do away with democracy because we would make the right decisions. I think our people could trust us to make the right decisions on their behalf. And we wouldn't need all this messy business of voting, would we?

SPEAKER_00 40:40

I don't know. Well, also, if it's just you and me, if they vote for you, I'm gonna be really happy. And if they vote for me, you're gonna be really happy. So maybe it's about less about worrying about where they vote, but just making sure that only people like us are eligible to be voted for. I think that's a great I think I love this world. Absolutely. I love this world.

SPEAKER_01 41:08

Yeah, there's a word for that. You call in something on the reality.

SPEAKER_00 41:11

Yeah, I can't think what it is either. Yeah, I think it's I think whenever it's whenever it's happened in the world at Herb was well, I think it's gone really well.

SPEAKER_01 41:21

I think it's gone really well. Yeah, I think those countries tend to do very well economically and socially and they're very free and um you know, sort of the people who live there feel very satisfied with their lives.

SPEAKER_00 41:33

They do thrive. They thrive.

SPEAKER_01 41:35

Yeah.

unknown 41:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 41:38

Oh. That was great. That was very cathartic, actually. It's good to get it out of here.

SPEAKER_01 41:44

We have to send up our own republic.

SPEAKER_00 41:50

It would just be again like any republic, it would just be so flawed, though, wouldn't it just be I mean, I think we'd fall out quite quickly of the national anthem.

SPEAKER_01 42:01

Uh, possibly. Because I could sing it.

SPEAKER_00 42:03

Well, I could sing it, but it would, you know, I'd want it to be like um streisandesque, whereas you'd want something a bit more folky or rocky, maybe queen, like yeah.

SPEAKER_01 42:14

Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, look, these are minor things.

SPEAKER_00 42:18

I think I I do think women and gays would be fucking safe in our worlds.

SPEAKER_01 42:22

Absolutely. They would. We we're not going to war, are we?

SPEAKER_00 42:25

No. I think what we do that for pointless. We wouldn't go to war. I think we'd we'd thrash it out over a kappa.

SPEAKER_01 42:32

Come on now, you sit down here and we're gonna talk this through. I'm not having you give me that bloody side die anymore.

SPEAKER_00 42:38

Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on now. I think I think women, gays, uh uh ethnic minorities, they'd all have a fair. I think the white man would have a bit of a hard time. The straight white man would have a bit of a hard time. Maybe the patriarchy.

SPEAKER_01 42:56

I think we've got a strong uh strong base on which to on which to build there. Indeed. Uh for uh sensible policies for a happier Britain, etc. etc.

SPEAKER_02 43:04

Indeed.

SPEAKER_01 43:05

Um I think it's my turn for Wenglish word of the week.

SPEAKER_00 43:08

It is your turn for Wenglish word of the week.

SPEAKER_01 43:11

Okay. So um I don't know whether you will be familiar with this one. I don't think it's one we would have used very much. Okay. I I think this is more the older generation, as many of them are actually. Um, and I'm it's something specifically my I used to hear my father say. So I don't even know whether it would have been in the older generation in your family, but it was in in mine. Um so normally I try to get you to guess it, don't I? So I'm not gonna try and do that this week because I think we might be going on for a very long time with you coming up with a load of bollocks. Um, because like I say, I don't know whether you'd be aware of it. But um, so if my father was ever talking about somebody who was a little bit rough and ready, maybe, maybe a rough Diamond, you know, or maybe not so much of a diamond, just maybe just a bit rough.

unknown 44:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 44:04

So somebody who uh might have been one of our litter bugs or you know, noise polluters. One of those, somebody who maybe didn't have much personal awareness, many social skills, something like that. Like I say, a bit bit rough around the edges. He would call him a shunnyoy. Have you heard that phrase?

SPEAKER_00 44:25

I have heard of shunny oi, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 44:28

Now shut in. Shut up, Bunnyrian, you sound like a shunny oy.

SPEAKER_00 44:36

What does that even mean?

SPEAKER_01 44:40

So the shunny bit is Sean, right? The Welsh for John.

SPEAKER_02 44:44

Sean, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 44:45

Sean. So um we had shunny onions as well, or shiny shunny winuns, which would have been the onion sellers. And people coming around on their bikes, and they were Breton. They were, they were from Brittany, and they would come around on their bikes with onions. And you know, you look online and you can see uh photographs of them. They come around selling strings of onions and all the rest of it. So they would they so it was like Johnny onions, right? Yeah, so um it's like saying Jack somebody or Johnny, it's like a sort of like almost like a shorthand for somebody you don't know who they are.

SPEAKER_00 45:13

Like Jack the Hat, that kind of thing.

SPEAKER_01 45:15

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That kind of thing, or Jack the Ripper, even. Anyway, so the Welsh form was shunny, and and you just stuck something on the end of that. So there are shunny various other things, not just shunny window and shunny uh and shunny eye. So the I bit was like oi, you know, ref.

unknown 45:31

Got it.

SPEAKER_01 45:32

And apparently it was a phrase used by people. Um, well, the explanation I was reading um earlier on today, when I thought, well I'll just look this up online and see what I can find out about it, because am I actually remembering it correctly? Um, and there's very little online about Shenioi, about the phrase or who the people are. But the bit I could find was um that it was a phrase used by the people of the Vale of Gamorgan, which is where I currently live, about people from the valleys. So, and in particular about colliers and miners. So they were seen as obviously a bit rough and ready and a bit um a bit loud and a bit uncouth.

SPEAKER_00 46:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 46:16

An uncouth loud person uh is a shunny.

SPEAKER_00 46:20

So the Vale has always had this history of being the posher part of uh of Wales, then is it southwest looking down at the valleys and the uh Yeah. Yeah in shiny.

SPEAKER_01 46:31

So is that something you're familiar with from?

SPEAKER_00 46:33

Um it it wasn't used, but I have heard of it, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 46:36

My father would use it, but but uh he's the only person I can remember, probably because it was used about him.

SPEAKER_00 46:41

Do you know what? It's absolutely again, it's really appropriate to this episode because what we want to do is ban a lot of shiny eyes from the world.

SPEAKER_01 46:49

So all those people are shuniois, that's what they are.

SPEAKER_00 46:52

Shiny eyes are their fucking fans.

SPEAKER_01 46:54

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 46:55

So cultural event of the week, Milady.

SPEAKER_01 46:58

Well, why didn't you go first, Alex?

SPEAKER_00 47:00

I'll go first. So I don't know if I've told you this, but uh, we've just come back from California. Have I mentioned that?

SPEAKER_01 47:06

You're whereabouts in California have you been?

SPEAKER_00 47:09

We went to Los Angeles, as you know, been there a lot and we're quite familiar with it, but I haven't been there since the fires of 2025. And uh normally we stay with our dear friend Margie in a place called Chevy Hills, which is by Santa Monica. But it was her birthday, and for various reasons, we've also got another couple of very very close friends with David Hamish. And so we stayed with them up in Runyon Canyon, which slightly changes your demographics. Lovely, but it means we were a different part of the city. So we didn't go to a lot of our old haunts, or certainly not as early on in the trip. And we were there for a birthday and we were doing a bit of work there, whatever. We didn't go up the coast much until the end of the two weeks. I think we went to Santa Monica one morning and went out for dinner down there, but normally we spend a lot of time on the coast. Uh but Mike and I were very conscious we hadn't been up to Zuma Beach, which is in Malibu, which we always go to, and um the last Saturday the boys said we'll go up the coast to Montecito, which is by Santa Barbara. So up we went, beautiful day, you know, weather was glorious, had lunch up there, and then driving back, we were going to Santa Monica, and I said, Can we go through Malibu? And the PCH is now closed, at least only one lane's open, so it's not easy with traffic and everything, but we uh we decided let's do it, we've got time. And interestingly, Dave and Hamish hadn't been to Malibu since the fires. It's about 35 minutes from their house. But also, Dave, who's lived there 25 years, was going, I'm a bit frightened to go. And we know it very well. And I suppose this isn't cultural as more historical. Uh but it is part of culture, and I think it it it will go down in the history books because uh for various reasons. But the devastation was incredible, it was awful.

SPEAKER_01 49:00

So you are we a year on? How long ago was it?

SPEAKER_00 49:04

It was January 2025.

SPEAKER_01 49:06

All right, so just over a year.

SPEAKER_00 49:07

Just over a year, so yeah, 15 months. Obviously, if you've not been there, it's hard to paint a picture. But you know, that very famous sort of drive that you see in movies where somebody with a the the roof down is driving along the coast in LA, and you've got houses going up the canyon, you've got all these lovely kind of uh I think I showed you a picture, they're quite eclectic, they they don't follow any kind of style, but you've got all these houses going along the coast. The road is the back of the house, so the front of the house is on the beach, and they'll be clapperboard, they're all made of wood, they'll be clapperboard houses, they're on stilts so the tide can come in, they've got lovely balconies. They're not particularly ostentatious, they're quite simple. Malibu in that area is very um it it was old kind of farmland and it's not as fancy as people think. But they're family homes, and they're obviously the real estate has gone up over the years and it's expensive. But um it took me a while to realise as we were driving south, so the houses would be on our right where the beach was, I kept thinking I can't remember these car parks. And basically it's just uh miles of uh concrete with sort of twisted metal and just destruction of it, just the bases of whether it be like you know the iron bases of what these houses were on. And then of course you look up the canyon. I mean, there was one house it used to be in the real housewives of Beverly Hills, one of the housewives uh Yolanda was married to David Foster, the music producer, and they had this magnificent house up Carbon Canyon, and it was just overlooking the PCH. It was beautiful, and it had olive groves and orange trees, and you could see it from the street, from the road, which is a kind of like a six-lane road, it's quite a wide road. And you'd stop at lights and there would be uh raised above you. And uh, I was driving towards it and I went, Oh my god, it's everything's gone. The palms are like scorched, uh the fence has gone, everything's just it's gone. You just realize the destruction of fire. And of course the Pacific Palisade, which was a beautiful area, you get to the exit for there and you look up and there's nothing there. There's nothing there. It's changed the geography completely of that. I would say several miles of coastland and canyon. It's just changed the geography completely.

SPEAKER_01 51:31

So what's happened to all the people who lived there then? When have they gone?

SPEAKER_00 51:35

They've gone. I mean, you know, there were reports at the time of quite elderly people or families going, you know, I'll never be able to live here again. It's because they've lived there, say, 30, 40 years. These weren't expensive areas back then. Yeah. Um the insurance payouts. I mean, I was chatting to one woman, Christine. She has a house in Malibu, just up by very near a place called Cross Creek, which is fine and wasn't burnt, but it's a crossroads. And it's like it's like a two-horse town almost. You wouldn't think it was Malibu. It's very lovely little shops, but it's very um western, you know, it's very um American and dusty and lovely part on the coast. She lived just before the very near the um Pepperdine University. And she said I was very lucky my house was saved. But she said I haven't been allowed to go back in it since January the seventh, twenty twenty five.

SPEAKER_01 52:30

So where's she staying in then?

SPEAKER_00 52:32

She's renting a house in West Hollywood. I mean, I didn't go into the insurance of it and everything. But because of the pollution and the carbon and the destruction, and she said I'm the my house is still not safe. And also, structurally we still don't know if it's safe enough for me to live in again. It's taking that long.

SPEAKER_02 52:53

Oh my god, yeah. Really sad to see it.

SPEAKER_00 52:56

Because you're in this beautiful part of the world, you know. The waves are crashing in, and Dave is a bit OCD like me, and he was googeting on the windows down. I'm like, this was a long time ago, Dave, and he's like, No, no, I'm Googling. He said, The sands all along this mile are are have been recorded as polluted. So there is there is sort of whatever that would be, carbon or what metals or any kind of pollutants from fires are in the beaches. And you think of all the wildlife that must have suffered.

SPEAKER_01 53:24

Oh god, yeah. Yeah. Very destructive.

SPEAKER_00 53:28

So not so much cultural as part of a culture. Um, we're definitely going alone in history as something that could have been avoided and has been absolutely mishandled politically and yeah, sad. And there's another part of you that goes, This is the n, you know, this is the natural order in a way. This was a fire and it just destroyed. And things are growing back. You know, there's a lot of cultural references like restaurants or outposts or just landmarks that you would go to that were I'd been there for generations. They've gone. They're just gone.

SPEAKER_01 54:05

Yeah. That is sad. That is sad. And obviously, people's lives being disrupted is very sad, and you know, obviously, loss of life is very uh is tragic. But I do think it's just nature, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 54:18

It's nature, it's nature.

SPEAKER_01 54:20

And I think most of it is it's nature saying putting us down a peg or two. Don't think we know that actually.

SPEAKER_00 54:27

And this woman, Christine, she was very sanguine about it. She said, you know, it they're they're fires. What can you do? I'm alive, I survived, it's their things. But it's just very sad to see the destruction realize these this is where people's lives were. And people died, people perished, you know.

SPEAKER_01 54:42

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's that's obviously grim. Yeah. Oh, well, you know, that's on that high note. Huh? Uplifting uh cultural moment of the week then. Sorry for that, Morgan.

SPEAKER_00 54:57

Sorry about that. If you've got already serious all of a sudden, mine can't always be reality TV. Come on now.

SPEAKER_01 55:07

No, you can't always be. So I'm I'm gonna bring it down now. Good, good. In tone, not necessarily in mood. Um, because I am gonna go TV, obviously not reality TV. No, because no. Um, so I'm gonna go with a series which I never heard of until I happened, I just came across a review uh online by accident. And I thought, oh god, that sounds good. Um, and linked to uh one of our recent episodes, the thing that got me interested in it was apparently really full of swearing, and I'm I'm always into swearing. So I thought, oh, I'll give this give this a go, this uh series. So it's on Amazon, I think it was made for Amazon. Um, it's an Australian series uh called Deadlock or Deadloch. So Loch is in the Scottish lake, you know, Scottish Loch. So Deadloch. So there are two series, and we're in the middle of the second one at the moment. We've kind of binged this, and it's just bloody hilarious. So the premise is in the first series, it's set in Tasmania, and there's this little one-horse town on the edge of this lake called Deadloch. And um, a bloke turns up, the corpse of a bloke turns up dead. So they send the local um detective to sort of sort it out, and it becomes just then this entirely baroque kind of mishmash of relationships, and more dead bodies turn up, and very soon it's turns out there's a serial killer on the loose, and they send somebody down from the mainland to try and sort it out, and you know, you get in all into all the ins and outs of the local politics because it's a uh a small town, and so there's all these rivalries and different things going on, you know, and intergenerational strife and all the rest of that. You know, and it's one of these, like, oh, it's oh, it's definitely there. Oh no, no, it's there, no, no, no, no. But the the apart from the absolutely you know incredible uh swearing, very, very good. Uh you know, it's Australian, you can imagine, can't you? So, apart from all that, it sort of it goes against the gender stereotype of these kinds of things. So all the victims are men, and so it's not usually it's women as being bumped off, isn't it, by a male serial killer? Um, so they think they've got a female serial killer who's killing men, and all the cops are women as well. Oh but it's done really cleverly so that you don't really notice, it's not like oh, they thought things down, you know, from what it normally is. It's not until you're like you're in episode seven or something, you think, oh yeah, I'm seeing what they're doing now. And then mostly lesbians as well. But you know, that's by the by. So it's just one of these things where I think, like you said when you were talking before about um what was the ice hockey series?

SPEAKER_00 57:59

Heated rivalry.

SPEAKER_01 58:00

Heated rivalry, and you were saying it's just you know, the fact that they're gay is just part of the story. And it's a similar thing with this, with deadlock. The the fact that um they're in this uh, I think it's like a if you can imagine an Australian version of Hebdon Bridge, you know, where a lot of lesbians seem to have settled, yeah, and you know, so women are naturally kind of in charge, and there's a a a female mayor, you know, a lot of the business owners and landowners locally are women and all the rest of it. So, and and the the two main um police characters are women as well, and you know, and again, and it's your usual kind of cop drama in that they're mismatched this pair of detectives, they're completely mismatched. At first, they don't get on, they can't stand each other, and then they gradually become more friendly and all the rest of it. They're not in a relationship or anything, it's just that you know, so so the the the fact that, as I say, you know, it's like 60, 70, 80 percent lesbians is just sort of by the by, it's just not particularly a thing. Um, but it's most but you do notice that oh, yeah, they're all all these people in charge are women, and everybody who's dead is male. But it's it's really good and it's really twisty and turny, and I say lots of these different characters, and as usual with these things, it's always the very last person you imagine is actually the culprit in the end. Um, and then the second series is the same core kind of detective duo and the one detective's partner, but they've moved now from Tasmania right up to the north of the mainland, and they're in Darwin. So they've gone from this kind of quite cold, kind of bleakish kind of um sort of part of Australia, you know, where it's obviously it's right in the south, so it's colder, right up to the tropical bit. So everybody's sweating, they're crocodiles, and it's again it's a similar kind of murder mystery. Somebody's found all chopped up. I'm laughing because of the window. It's in modern. It's in modern, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So the current, the the second series has only just landed on Amazon. If you go onto Amazon now, I think it's in like the top ten.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:13

Oh, I will have to watch it.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:15

It's really good, deadlock. And I uh I didn't recognise any of the casts. Okay. Didn't know who they were. I think they're probably quite well known in Australia. Um, but I didn't recognise any of them. But it's just it's just really, really good. Really good. Interesting characters, it's funny, it's laugh out loud, hilarious. Some of the kind of phrases that one of the the cops, the detectives in particular, she's like, she's just foul-mouthed. She is really foul-mouthed, and anger issues, you know. So she's hilarious, and a terrible dresser, she's got terrible dress sense. And you just think, oh my god, how are you even holding down a bloody job because she's a right hot mess, you know? Um, but it's just oh it's really good. I'm really glad I found it.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:01

Yeah. So I would say it's well worth a watch.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:04

Would you like to go to Australia?

SPEAKER_01 1:01:06

Do you know? I never wanted to. I've never wanted to go to Australia. But this has made me think, oh, I'd quite like to go to Tasmania. Because it did look nice actually. And it looked like it could be somewhere like Scotland, the Highlands of Scotland, something like that, apart from all the funny trees. What are they called? Not gum trees.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:24

In Australia. Eucalyptus. Eucalyptus.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:26

Those are eucalyptus trees around and that kind of thing. Um, but yeah, it's it's it softened me up towards the idea of Australia. Although in the second series, now when you're in Darwin, the place is bloody rife with crocodiles. So uh that doesn't look too good.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:39

You got I remember going and all somebody reminding me I always check your shoes for spiders or price. Scorpions. I didn't though. I didn't because we were staying in up in a place called 1770 where Cook landed. So it was the middle of fucking nowhere on the coast. Beautiful. Oh my god. The one thing I remember about Australia is a long time since I've been there. There's so much sky. There's just so much sky, you know. California's a bit like that as well. There's just so much sky. I love that. Um, but yeah, when it's remote, it's remote.

unknown 1:02:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:14

Oh, I'd like to watch that.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:16

And everywhere it is bloody remote, I suppose, isn't it? But um, yeah, it's very good. It's pretty good. So if anybody's you know looking for something to watch, then I would recommend. And they don't mind swearing, and they don't mind lesbians, then my kind of town.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:33

My kind of town.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:35

Absolutely kid.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:37

Well, I think that's been a very enlightening episode.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:42

I think it has. I think we've put the world to rights. Definitely in this case, you know. And um I think things should be better from now on.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:51

I think we shall work on our manifesto and our policies, but get them in place now. Um we got a couple of years for the election.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:58

Well, it's time to send it now first, that's next month.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:00

So next month.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:03

Oh god, yeah. Let's hope there's some bloody change there.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:05

I'm saying not.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:07

No, no, indeed.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:10

I'm saying not. I gotta live here, you haven't.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:13

Well, not yet.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:16

So, yeah, I think we've uh solved yet another whose coat is that jacket conundrum for another week, haven't we, Morgan?

SPEAKER_00 1:03:23

We have old friends and we've had some new conversations.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:27

Well done, us.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:28

Well done, us. We should work on those policies. In the meantime, I will see you for the next pod. Move over, my darling. Take care. Bye. Bye.