How to Stop Living Someone Else's Script & Start Choosing Your Own with Elaine Scheelk

What if the life you're pursuing isn't actually the life you want?

From the time we're little girls, many of us inherit stories about what it means to be a "good woman." We learn what success should look like, what we're supposed to want, and how we're expected to build our lives. But what happens when those expectations no longer fit?

In this episode of Female Fridays, I'm joined by Elaine Scheelk, Chief Strategy Officer at Canterbury Court, for a conversation about the invisible scripts that shape our lives—and how to begin questioning them.

Whether you've ever felt guilty for wanting more, questioned whether you're living the life you truly chose, or wondered if you've been following someone else's script, this conversation will leave you with practical tools and a renewed sense of permission to build a life that feels authentically yours.

If this episode resonates with you, share it with a woman in your life who might need the reminder that she doesn't have to live by someone else's expectations.

Connect with Elaine on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/elainescheelk/

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome to Female Fridays, where we go beyond the polished career story to meet the woman behind the title. I'm Rachel Keller, and each week I sit down with extraordinary women in leadership. Not just to celebrate their achievements, but to explore the journey that shaped them. The victories, the doubts, and the quiet moments of courage that changed everything. This is the podcast that goes deeper than the resume. Because true leadership is never just a title. I wonder if you can relate to this. As a young girl, you were taught certain scripts about what it meant to be good. Maybe you learned that if you worked hard, followed the rules, put others first, and made all the right choices, everything would work out as it was supposed to. You were probably taught what success should look like, what kind of life you should want, and who you should become. And then you grew up. And somewhere along the way, you realize that not every rule you were taught still fits with who you are at your authentic core. That some of the things that you were taught you wanted weren't actually your desires at all. Those were expectations that you inherited. So it's interesting. The research shows that girls are often praised for being polite, agreeable, and well behaved, while boys are more often encouraged to be bold, independent, and take risks. So as early as preschool, many girls are already receiving messages about following the rules and keeping the peace at all costs. Wondering if you're relating, or maybe it's just me. So what happens when the life you built is based on expectations you inherited rather than those desires that you actually chose for yourself? Well, we're gonna talk about that today. My incredible guest today is Elaine Shelt, Chief Strategy Officer at Canterbury Court in Atlanta, Georgia. Elaine is a strategic leader with more than two decades of experience in senior living, having served in executive roles across operations, sales, marketing, and growth. Throughout her career, she's helped organize, grow, innovate, and navigate change while leading at the highest levels. So we're going to be talking about stories and narratives that many of us inherit as women long before we're old enough to question them. The messages we receive about being a good woman, what we should want, what success should look like, and how we're supposed to build our lives. So this episode isn't about whether or not we've been influenced by these messages. This is about taking the time to stop and examine them to see what narratives might be holding us back. You'll learn how to tell the difference between inherited expectations and authentic desires, how to recognize when you're living according to someone else's script, and what it takes to build a life that feels genuinely aligned with who you truly are. Welcome to Female Fridays. I'm so excited to have you here. Thanks, Rachel. I'm glad to be here. Well, this is going to be a really important topic and something that I honestly, being in my 30s, think about all the time. What stories or lessons have I continued on in my adult life because that's what I've been taught versus who I authentically am and what I really want for my life. And I'd be willing to bet that a lot of women listening to this have wrestled with similar topics.

SPEAKER_00 3:44

Absolutely. I think everything you said in the intro just holds true for so many of us. There's inherited expectations, there's titles that were given inadvertently, even as little girls. I remember being told I was bossy and things like that. And I feel like, you know what? Yeah, I am bossy because I know who I am. And I maybe bossy isn't the bad word that we associate it with.

SPEAKER_01 4:10

So yeah, maybe they should have said, hey, you actually show really good leadership skills.

SPEAKER_00 4:15

Exactly. Like bossy translates to that young lady is going to be something someday.

SPEAKER_01 4:20

So true. So take me away back when you were growing up. What did you believe a good woman looked like?

SPEAKER_00 4:29

So I grew up in a pretty, I'll say, faith-based household that was very much traditional in terms of roles. There was still um, I don't want to date myself too much, Rachel, but I am enough older than you that there were still not a lot of female models that were kind of out there for us, other than in the modeling industry. And that talk about, you know, an object or a desire that you may not be able to achieve. We had the super, super thin supermodels that that was your, you know, the dream woman. But the reality was there weren't a lot of female leaders that were out front, that were speaking, that were present for us to look at. So I think a lot of the things that I was brought up with were some of the good girl mindset, like you follow the rules, you stay within the lines, you do all of these things. And I think unbeknownst to myself at the time, like I would have been labeled a tomboy. So I was the girl who was always outside playing with all the boys in the neighborhood. I would way rather, you know, play kick the can or kickball or whatever out in the streets than be inside reading a book or what have you. So I think that probably started me on a journey of figuring out who am I really? Um, because you could take all of the labels that you've been given in your life and put them into a bowl and start drawing them out one by one. And I think as you get older and you get more familiar with yourself, there are names or labels that you can choose to discard. And there are those that you really hold tight and say, yeah, this has been me from the beginning of time. So bossy might be one that I actually hold on to because now boss babe has become this thing, right? And so I'm like, yeah, I'm bossy. I'm I'm a boss babe. It and that's a good thing. Tomboy, I probably still like to hang out with the guys, but not in the same way that I did when I was young. Leader, you know, mother, sister, there's all of these titles that we grow up with. And I think we have to define what each of those mean to us rather than allow others to define that for us. And I think when you're a kid, it's too hard to say, well, this has been this is what I know. This is what I've been taught.

SPEAKER_01 6:59

Absolutely. I love that you're giving us practical strategy in your very first answer, which makes sense because your title literally is Chief Strategy. But I think that's so good. Like for our listeners, if you want to pause and either think about it as you're driving or cooking or walking, whatever you're doing, or if you have a piece of paper on you asking what are those labels that I resonated with or I was called when I was a young person, how do I relate to that? How did I define that when I was a young girl versus when you are older? I think one that comes to mind for me is that when I was in trouble growing up, I would be called a princess. And princess in my household was always used in a negative connotation. And I hated it back then because as a little girl, you watch the movies and you see who is your idols. It's the princesses. And in my life, it was seen as such a bad thing. So I'm the same as you with Bossi. I take that back and I'm like, you know what? Sure. Like if I'm I see it, not that anyone calls me princess, not with a 30, 31-year-old woman, but I am like, you know what, it's okay that I have wants and needs, or if what I desire is something, you know, fancy or not to someone's liking, that's okay. And taking that back. So I love that you have that uh that exercise for us. The other thing you mentioned is that growing up, the only women uh that you saw as public figures were these models. I think a lot of us could relate to that coming back right now, which really stinks with the rise of you know Ozimpic, which could be a very good thing. But then we see these celebrities who are taking it to the extreme. And there's a lot of uh discussion right now, even about you know, certain celebrities who are skin and bones, and what is that teaching us? So it's definitely really hard. I'm curious when you were young, did you feel like those expectations were explicitly stated on you of what you should grow up to become? Or was it more of the culture, like those models that you just simply absorbed?

SPEAKER_00 9:20

You know, it's interesting. I think that I'm very auditory. So a lot of the things that are spoken to me stick with me. So the tapes that I play in my head or that I replay, going back to like 10 years old. I remember a kid, I still know his name, but I won't say it, um, from fifth grade telling me that I was as big as the earth. A 10-year-old girl, right? And I'm like, and in my head, because I'm smart or I like to think that I am, I was like, I can't be as big as the earth. How could I stand on it? Right. So you try to rationalize it, but that that went down deep because I still remember that. So I think it was some of both. I think it was cultural, but you're a girl. I mean, a 10-year-old girl is growing and her body sometimes grows bigger before it grows taller, all of those kinds of things. And I'm like, we didn't talk about that type of thing. It was just, do you fit? Are you popular? Are you not popular? All of those kinds of things. And the the beauty was that we didn't have social media in our lives that was showing us things over and over again on a daily basis. So you didn't know if you weren't invited to that slumber party until the Monday after when people were talking about it at school, versus people who are real live watching that invite happen and people participating and recognizing that they're left out. So I think some of those labels may have come proactively where someone was calling us something. Um, but they also came, I think, in reverse when you had that moment of emotion of, oh, I wasn't included or I'm not one of that group, but it passed because you didn't replay it over and over and over like social media and the internet lets us do now.

SPEAKER_01 11:16

Absolutely. It's really, really tough. I can't imagine being a young girl today on social media. I had Instagram and Snapchat as I was in my later high school years, so it wasn't quite as bad. But I can't imagine being a parent today and having to deal with that. So it's interesting. I did find a study. This was done in March 2024, and it was conducted by Lego. It involved more than 61,000 parents and children ages five through 12 from 36 different countries. And it found that more than three and five girls felt pressured by society's messages of perfection. And two-thirds of all girls said they were often too worried to share their ideas. And then 76% of parents surveyed felt that girls were more inclined than boys to be hesitant to develop ideas because of pressure to be perfect. And as you mentioned, words are a big part of it. So the report found that society is seven times more likely to use the terms pretty and sweet when talking to girls, but brave, genius, and innovative when talking to boys. So as you started to grow up, you talked about how you had some of those pressures of even words that people said about your body. I can remember several. Even some of the things that my friends said to me sometimes who are still my best friends today, but like now I have a complex because of what they told me when we were 12. It's so real. I'm sure everyone listening can think of their own story. How did that translate to you as you grew up and you started your career? Did you resonate with that study of like feeling like maybe you couldn't share your ideas or you had to be perfect? Did that resonate at all?

SPEAKER_00 13:08

It's interesting. I am a second daughter. So my sister was two years ahead of me in school. And I watched her, and she is one of still to this day, one of the most hardworking people that I know, and very much pursued that 100% on everything. So I think by virtue of coming second, I sort of was like, well, I don't want to work that hard, but I could still get an A. So I was more that A minus kind of kid that was like, yeah, I still want to have fun. But I do think what resonates with me is sitting in a room. And this is even going into an interview with a group of people and really kind of sitting for a moment and thinking, should I say this? Or starting out in my career, going to a meeting of leadership and having an idea or a thought and wondering, should I say it? Right. And I don't think I think that that's part of that female piece, because I don't think that most men would have that pause if they have a great idea or a thought that they think can contribute to the good of the organization, you just say it, right? So at some point, I think I I started to rely more on my intellect or to say, what would happen if I trusted myself to say what I'm thinking? Um, and I think all of those labels, it goes back to that because am I going to be thought of as bossy if I throw this out at the table? Well, at some point when you take the leap and you trust yourself, and maybe the response is, oh, that's a good idea. Or maybe the response is it's kind of passed over, and then someone else brings it back up and it's now their idea, and it gets moved on, because that was also a big part of I think moving into the workforce in the generation that that I grew up in. Um, and I was in a field that was very male-dominated initially. So it was ministry, frankly. So there were only two women that graduated with a degree that I had, um, which is crazy to think about. But so you're sitting in a meeting at a church that you work at and wondering, should I speak up? Should I not speak up? And then it might be that that idea is captured, reframed, and put out by one of my male counterparts.

SPEAKER_01 15:32

So right.

SPEAKER_00 15:34

And at the time I'm like, it's not worth it. Like it's not worth stepping into that. But I think that was more a reflection of my self-worth. And I hadn't yet gotten to the point where I was ready to say, no, that is my idea, and I'd like to run with it. You and I have had this conversation because we're of our years apart, Rachel. And I think that there's a value in looking at our younger generations who are, I think, stronger and more empowered women than certainly than I was when I was your age, and being able to say, I need to own that too. There's a part of me that can learn from speaking with younger women as well.

SPEAKER_01 16:17

Well, it's interesting we have similar backgrounds because I actually started my career in a church as well, which I don't talk about all that often. But I was the only woman on the team. And there were certainly men who were incredible and champions and great mentors to me, who I still just really, really appreciate to this day. But I remember the guys used to always like sit and hang out with each other. You know, everybody was friends outside of work, and they would have whiskey and smoke cigars. And I was like, I gotta hang. So I didn't smoke the cigar, but I would have the whiskey with them because I wanted to make sure that I blended in and I could handle being with the guys. But it is interesting that feeling that you talked about of wondering, should I speak up? I think no matter what industry or what role you're in, there is this feeling of I know I almost need to play the game because the reality is that you can be punished if you are seen as too much. And unfortunately, there's studies around that. You can Google it. I don't have them off the top of my head, but it is this fine line of speaking up versus not. Um and when you were speaking, I honestly thought this is a great chance for women listening to actually be a really good ally to other women in the room. So I know that a lot of CEOs and VPs listen to this podcast in senior living. So if you have a female member on your team and you're in the room and you have more power, you can say, Elaine, what do you think about that? And call on them because you may know the statistics that maybe they don't feel comfortable speaking up because they have that inner narrative. And then to your point, feeling brave to say, that was a great idea. Thank you so much for sharing that. I think that's awesome. Let's, you know, take this as a next step. Or another thing you can do as a woman is if you give an idea and then a few minutes later, Bob from the team says, Well, how about this? And it's literally the same idea. You as a woman could say, Bob, that's awesome. Elaine brought Elaine brought that up earlier, and I really liked what she said. I'm glad to hear you agree with her.

unknown 18:46

Right.

SPEAKER_01 18:47

It's as simple as that, but like if you are willing to stand up for somebody in that moment, think of what that's gonna do for the other woman's confidence.

SPEAKER_00 18:55

I think that's huge. And I I know when I was a VP of sales and marketing and I had regional directors under me, one of the things that I promised them was that I would never take an idea that was theirs and present it without them being present or without them getting credit because I had had it done to me so much. So I think besides lifting up other women, we as women who may have experienced some of that can turn that and flip the script. And so it was great to be able to present some phenomenal ideas that my team members had come up with and say, this is this person's idea. I want them to be here, I'd like them to come to the table. Um, and it's those relationships with those regional directors are still intact for me, even though we've long since not been working with one another, because we built that connection and that bond. And I think it really is connection that we're missing. And that that really circles back to all the things that you and I have talked about in different conversations, but also kind of what what I think my intention as a leader is really to help create connection across the board?

SPEAKER_01 20:10

Well, as you had those labels and you've obviously broken free from them now because you're able to help others, your your mission is creating that connection across the board. But when you were in that place of realizing maybe some of those labels weren't right for you anymore, what evidence kept showing up that your inherited narrative wasn't actually your story?

SPEAKER_00 20:37

It's funny because I think I always um would rise to leadership. So whether it was an organization that I joined or a company that I started working for, I would be promoted or go to the next level, or someone would say, you know, will you be the HOA president? I'll give that as an example, you know, and I'm like, okay, so at some point the pattern shift for me was looking at, oh, I go into an organization and they immediately ask me, or not immediately, but quickly ask me, would you be interested in being on our board? Would you be interested in being the president? Would you serve in this capacity? Or I'd start a role and I'd actually have success with it and be asked, would you be the leader? So I think for me it was an internal shift in messaging. Like you said earlier on, bossy might equate to leader, right? And so if you reframe it in your own head, then by virtue of thinking leader, you actually draw more leadership opportunities to yourself. Um, so a long time ago at one of my companies, one of the things that they said over and over was what you focus on expands. So I'm very big on. If you focus on leadership, you will either have more leadership opportunities or you will have the ability to cultivate leadership. Leaders because you're focused on leadership. So I think that's a big piece for listeners who maybe feel stuck in their current role is what are you looking for in that role? Because I have felt stuck in a role before. And a lot of that is my own doing because I have the thought process that says I'm up against a ceiling or there is no growth opportunity for me. Well, then if I'm seeking growth, how do I find growth elsewhere? And how do I focus on that differently? Or what does growth mean to me? Does it mean that I need the next title? Does it mean that I need a salary increase? Focus on what defining what that new label that you're creating is. You know, maybe it's I'm a growth initiator. Okay, well, is that growth only limited to the role that I play at work, or is that growth completely outside of it? This podcast is an example of that. You, you know, you have work that you do, and you have this incredible podcast that's a gift to everyone who's listening, but those two things aren't necessarily tied together directly. So I think that's the the shift in thinking also has to be looking at your worlds because you have multiple worlds that you walk in. You have your work world, you have your home world, you may have a school world, you may have a church world, and you may have an avocation or a hobby that is a big piece of your world. So if you're a growth initiator, where do you want to be that gross growth initiator? Because I would dare say it may not be your place of employment if you don't feel like you have it there.

SPEAKER_01 23:47

That's so interesting. Thank you for the roadmap of like if you notice yourself stuck saying, okay, being curious about it, asking yourself questions, why am I feeling this way? And then what I heard you say is look at your life holistically of all the different areas. Where do you want to go? Can you maybe find that in other pockets outside of work? Or if you do want it to be in work, what does that mean? Where do you find it? It's interesting. I this year have really, really focused on retraining my brain in how I think about myself, the words that I'm speaking over myself, my inner narratives. And I did um, I feel like my life completely changed when I focused on my talk tracks. One thing that's really helped me is in your example of, you know, I'm I'm taking these leadership roles, like maybe some saying to yourself, like I'm someone who, you know, focuses on on opportunities or opportunities come to me and even shifting your mindset, you might go from looking and ruining on all the ways that doors are closing to now looking at all the ways that doors are opening because you've shifted your mindset. And that's helped me quite a bit.

SPEAKER_00 25:05

Absolutely. And then I've had, you know, people talk about vision boards. I look at vision boards in a probably a different way than a lot of people do. So there were four quadrants to my vision board that was B, who do I want to be? That's just like base level, who am I? Who do I choose to be? So that might be where you put growth initiator, that might be where you put joy, that might be where you put just who you choose to be in the world. Then do is another quadrant. What do I want to do? And maybe do is go on a vacation at least once a year. Maybe do is um a work goal that you have. And then have is what do I want to have as a result of who I am and what I do, what do I want to have? So for years I had a picture of like a house, a dream house that I wanted. Um, I had a certain number that I wanted to have in the bank at all time. That was my have. Those things change and evolve. I think my have right now is probably peace. I just I want to have peace in my life. Um, and then give is the fourth quadrant. So who you are, what you do, what you have as a result of that, and then what do you give? And give isn't necessarily money. Give might be my time to a cause that's very important to me. Give might be conversations with younger leaders, give might be spending time with my kids one-on-one, intentionally. Give could be spending time with older parents if you have aging parents who are still alive. What, but having those quadrants, I think helps you really think through again what you're saying. Who am I? But who am I holistically? And instead of having one driving goal that might be, I don't know, to be a bazillionaire by a certain age or whatever that goal is that's out there, defining it more clearly. Why? Why do you want that? Because there's something tied to being, to doing, to having, and to giving that's a part of that goal. Um, if you're really thinking about holistic life.

SPEAKER_01 27:19

That is such a good exercise. Thank you so much. I would say then after you do that, take a look at the labels from exercise number one and ask yourself, which labels are you holding on to that might be holding you back from achieving those things?

SPEAKER_00 27:38

Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. And I yes, and I think that's a huge growth path that you can create for yourself. You can also implement that with others. So if you have a team, what a great team exercise. Share only if you want to, but let's walk through this together because one of my greatest goals in life in business is to create a pathway for those that work with me alongside me or are direct reports to me to have a growth plan, every single one of them. Well, they may need to go back and do that exercise because I don't know necessarily what the things are that might be holding them back. So, how do you get to that and kind of find root cause and then create that growth pattern? And the other thing that I would say along with that is you talked about women building other women up, being willing to say, Rachel, I see in you such a depth of character that I could see you growing into this role or whatever that thing is that you see in them. Because it, I mean, we all know it takes what, 10 positives to negate one negative comment. And I think we all hear the negative and it probably resonates more in our mind. So being willing to be that person that says, no, I'm gonna shout out the positive things that happen or call them out in people as I see them.

SPEAKER_01 29:03

Oh, I think that that would change the trajectory of somebody's life if you are willing to say that. People rise to the occasion of that bar that you set for them. And one thing that you just reminded me of in your answer is that it's so easy to let life happen to you. And I think that's why we said in this episode, we're examining what we've been told from when we were little girls, because what ends up happening if you don't stop and examine, you don't go through these exercises that you have talked about, is that life happens to you. You stay with that bossy narrative your entire life. Oh, I'm just so bossy. Instead of living out your full potential, that no, actually, you are meant to be a leader. I know for you, and if you're willing to share, you talked about how um when you were younger and you were first having your kids, you thought you needed to be a stay-at-home mom. Yes, you really, and then you realize, like, hey, actually, maybe this is not for me. Could you share that story? Because I think it's such a perfect example of like, if you don't really, really think about this and own it and change your narrative, you may end up going through life, going through the motions without actually ever living the life you truly want. Like it's that serious.

SPEAKER_00 30:27

Yeah, I joke that my years as a stay-at-home mom were my biggest employment failure move because I just I love my children. I absolutely adore my children, and I believe fully that I was a better mom when I was working and coming home to them than I was when I tried to stay at home. And a lot of that has to do, again, with who I am. My brain felt like it was atrophying at home. I have dear, dear friends who loved every moment of being a stay-at-home mom. And I absolutely think they should have been a stay-at-home mom. But I think we've got to make it um really obvious to women that that's not the only choice, and it may not be the best choice for them because uh while I was quote unquote a stay-at-home mom, I probably invested in every single like home-based party company that you possibly could to try to have like a little side hustle that was going and I would, you know, get out of the house. And it just really didn't work all that well because I was looking for something that frankly had I said to my husband at the time, and I I think I did say, I think you'd be better staying at home, and I think I'd be better working. And he just wasn't, that wasn't his deal. That wasn't what he wanted, et cetera, et cetera. But that's exactly what my husband and I have now. My husband stays at home, I go to work. It's glorious for me because he feeds me, he cleans the house, he takes care of the dogs, um, and he does it in a way that is so endearing, but also empowering for me because he is one of my biggest cheerleaders. So I would say to every young woman who is contemplating having children, have a dialogue before you have those kids to really say, yes, I want to be a mom. And here's how I want to define motherhood. This is what I feel in every fiber of my being. Because there's no right or wrong answer. And no one gives you a manual with your kids. And I think if you called the three kids that I birthed and ask them, you know, was your mom a good mom? I think they would all say yes. I think if you ask them, you know, what do you admire the most in your mom, they'd probably have three different answers. But I don't think a single one of them would say, wow, I wish my mom would have been a stay-at-home mom, because they all also look at my career and my growth and say, wow, mom, you know, you're doing a great job, whatever I'm doing at the time. So I think that there's just the dialogue that has to take place. And I think we're in a better place than we were maybe when I was that age as a young mom of saying not everyone has to stay at home, not every choice is right or wrong because there's different mixes. And ironically, you know, a lot of companies, uh not companies, but a lot of countries give both maternal and paternal leave after having a kid. There's value in both. So have that conversation with your partner, your spouse, your mate, and really determine what do we want as we dive into raising kids together and how do we build that life?

SPEAKER_01 33:51

Well, thank you for sharing that. And it's interesting, I talk with a lot of senior living leaders who are women, and a lot of them have their husbands stay at home. Like that is common. And you and I both talked about how we grew up with faith backgrounds. There's so many women conferences that you go to as and you know, if you have faith. And so often growing up, just speaking for myself, I saw women who talked about what it meant to be a good woman. And often that included saying, you know, being a good wife, being a good mom, and all of what that viewpoint entailed. I never saw a woman come on stage and talk of talked about how she is a CEO or how she is leading at a business. And to me, that's such a missed opportunity because there is so much more to however you decide to define what it means to live your life authentically. But I'm glad that you're here today and sharing your story and how you decided to really come into yourself because there's a wide variety of what that looks like, and we need more women sharing those examples so girls can understand that they don't have to fit into this little box.

SPEAKER_00 35:10

Well, and it's fascinating. You made me think, I think about Proverbs 31, and this is a lot of faith conferences for women are based around those verses that talk about this woman who gets up before the sun and does all these things, and her they they'll focus on her children rise and call her blessed. But when I got my degree in theology, it's all subject to interpretation because I look at those verses very differently. This woman gets up early, um, she she buys things. So back in the day, like women didn't buy things. She purchased, she's a businesswoman, she does all these things, and still her kids rise up and call her blessed because they see what their mom is doing on a daily basis. So again, I think it's a reframing and looking at the interpretation. There's so many things we could get into, and I don't I don't want to go into a big theological discussion, but you're spot on that if we really had a women's leadership faith-based conference that said, yes, it is biblical to be a doer and a mover and a shaker because that woman does more in a day than a lot of us do, probably in two days. And by the way, she was walking and she didn't have a car or a phone to call ahead. So she she was doing a lot and she was a businesswoman. So I think there's a lot to be said for that, and again, a lot to just help us build one another up.

SPEAKER_01 36:38

Oh, I think if I had someone tell me that when I was a teenager, I would have saved myself a lot of grief. I'm so proud of who I am today. I've and how I've come to be this person that is so passionate about career and helping other women in their careers and living to their fullest potential. I used to feel so guilty about wanting to be successful. I thought that that was not okay. I thought I was a bad Christian for wanting that. I thought I needed to humble myself because of the labels that I grew up with. And thankfully, I've done the work to no longer to reframe, like how we've talked about in this conversation. But I needed to hear that story. And so I'm so glad that you're sharing it. And I hope someone's listening to it now and has had an aha moment. So, what happened for you when that narrative shift? You did the reframe and you started to just live into your life more authentically of who you are with those different labels.

SPEAKER_00 37:38

So it's interesting. Um, because at the point in my life where I really think I grew the most, I recognized at that point in time that I had outgrown my marriage. And those two things, that was one of the hardest points in my life, to be honest with you, because again, as a Christian woman, you know, divorce was no no, and it was, and no one goes into a marriage that I can think of and says, well, if it doesn't work out, I'll just get a divorce. Like that wasn't the framework, you know, there was love, there were children. Um, and so it really kind of initiated this chapter that was very, very difficult. Um, and it became a proving ground for me because when I was on my own and I was working and I had the three kids and I had the house, and it was, I was in um a commission-based sales at that point in time. And so you really, you know, you had to do your work to feed your kids legitimately. And so I think it really taught me because as I was doing this, I was like, hey, I've paid all the bills and I have this money. Like I wasn't accustomed to not living sort of paycheck to paycheck. Um, and it was fascinating to me that growth seemed to happen more expeditiously at that point in time. So moving into a role and then being selected to move into a different sales role that was salary plus commission, and then being moved into a regional role, and then being moved into a VP role. And that's really where, you know, the senior living part of my career just took off. Um, and I think a lot of that had to do with dealing with personal loss. My mom had Alzheimer's disease at 62, was her diagnosis. So total change of trajectory for my parents. And then um really, then my dad as a caregiver, and then he fell ill and passed away before she did. So it was just a lot of struggles that forced growth. Um, and I think that's where I think my my focus shift really became an understanding that without sorrow, you really can't understand joy, and vice versa. So if all you have is good times, then do you really understand how to grieve or how to have sorrow? And if you only have terrible times, how do you understand what joy is? Because it is a both and. So in the midst of all of that, loss, career growth, meeting another wonderful human being who became my husband, and then blending a family. So all of these things were happening, and I think a lot of those things just helped define that core truth of who I am. So my reframing allowed for growth that probably was beyond my wildest dreams at the time, Rachel, because I had been thinking small. And I think a lot of women are guilty of thinking small because we're taught to fit in a specific box that feels good for society. And unfortunately, I think that that's kind of trending back in our society. I think we made some great gains and now we're sort of trending back. And I would say don't be afraid to bust the top off the box. Like you are who you are, and you need to thrive in that. And once you start, you almost can't stop. There's there is nothing, you know, that you can't do when you're in this flow of energy, if that's what you want to look at it as. But it's really you knowing yourself and trusting yourself and saying, yeah, this is what I want. So you wanting a career and you wanting success is the absolute best thing for you, and it's the best thing for the world. I would contend that because without you, there are others who aren't going to understand what their reason for living is.

SPEAKER_01 41:59

Wow. Well, what a mic drop moment. I'm so true, and I resonate completely. I that going back to that moment of feeling like, oh, I feel ashamed that I didn't have success or that I wanted success. It was so painful to feel like I wasn't fitting into who I was supposed to be. And when you said that you went through the divorce and you had the health problems with your parents and everything was just like piling on top of you. You had no other choice but to keep going. That was exactly what you needed to break free to live into this expansive life that you're living today. So I think that's a great place to an episode, although I think we can make this a three-hour podcast if we wanted to. But I hope that the woman listening to this is feeling free right now or is maybe feeling hopeful that if you're in a really hard season, you're feeling like you just aren't fitting what you should or what you're supposed to, that that might actually be a signal that you're supposed to grow towards something bigger. And asking yourself, where am I playing small in my life? And just really going through the exercises that we went through today and sitting with it. And don't be afraid to dream big. It is not selfish to want something different. It is what it means to listen to yourself, to trust your gut and to live authentically. And when you show up as that, that's when you make the biggest difference. So, Elaine, thank you so much for being here with me today. You are welcome back on the podcast anytime. I hope this resonated with the listeners. And if it did, please save it or share it with a friend that helps us grow the podcast. And until next time, this is Female Fridays. Every woman you hear on this podcast started somewhere. And so did you. The only thing standing between where you are and where you want to be is one bold step. Thank you for joining me on Female Fridays. Wherever you're headed, hold on to this. You can be her too. The world needs what only you can bring. Now, it's your turn to rise.