God Was Behind Me… and That Was the Problem

Most men don’t realize how easy it is to drift spiritually, mentally, and emotionally — until something breaks. In my case, it was subtle depression, a mild heart attack, and a birthday I didn’t even remember. I thought I was transforming my life through fitness, discipline, and hustle… but the truth is, I was putting God behind me, and that was the problem.

In this episode, I share the raw, unfiltered story of how my pursuit of physical transformation became an idol that fed my ego, distracted my heart, and nearly destroyed my marriage. I talk about the emotional affair that formed out of neglect, the moment my wife discovered it, and the decision that forced me to confront who I had become.

But this isn’t a story about failure — it’s a story about surrender.
It’s about how God used my lowest moments to rebuild me from the inside out.
It’s about mental health, mental recovery, and the true transformation that only happens when you stop conforming to the world and start renewing your mind through Christ.

If you’re a man who feels numb, disconnected, ashamed, or stuck in cycles you can’t break… you’re not alone. You’re not beyond redemption. You’re one surrender away from a completely different life.

This is how God took what almost destroyed me — and forged it into my calling.

https://www.skool.com/the-cave-of-adullum-1668/about

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Today I want to tell you a story that looks like a transformation. But the truth behind it is a lot darker than the picture suggests. The before photo, the one on the thumbnail, that was four months before I had a mild heart attack. That was eight months before my 48th birthday. The birthday that I didn't even remember it was my birthday because that's how depressed I was. And that's really where the story begins. Because real transformation isn't about changing your body. It's about transforming by the renewal of your mind.

SPEAKER_00 0:40

Welcome to the Valiant Warrior Podcast, where we help men overcome life death. Do what's better in the world and become a valiant warrior for death. This is a place to leave your practical energy that will be quick in your life journey to help you become the man of the beauty. Are you ready to overcome your doubt and fulfill your purpose just like giving? If so, let's go.

SPEAKER_01 1:05

Welcome back to the Valiant Forge podcast. I'm Mark Osborne, the host of the podcast. Today I'm going to talk about my transformation. If you haven't heard the story, if you've already heard the story, this goes a little bit deeper because I'm not really going to be talking about that. I'm going to be talking about where it ended up. So if you haven't, if you're new here, stick around for the story. If you're not new here, stick around to see the point that I'm going to make about the story. So just going to get right into it. So I mentioned at the top of this podcast that I was depressed and I didn't know it. And I didn't even realize it was my 48th birthday. If you haven't heard the story, I had a mild heart attack a few months before my birthday, and it did scare me, and I thought, man, I need to make some changes, but I just thought it. And then the morning of my 48th birthday, that I hadn't even thought about that it was my birthday. Usually, you know, your birthday's coming up, you think about, oh, you know, I wonder what I'm going to do for my birthday. But for whatever reason, and I know the reason now, is that I was just kind of numb to life and what was going on in life. So that morning, I woke up like I do every morning, got ready for work, made myself a bowl of Captain Crunch, put on the news, and I'm halfway through a few bites into my Captain Crunch, and they said the date on the news May 19th. And it hit me. Oh, today's my birthday. And I sat back looking at that bowl of Captain Crunch, thinking, why didn't I know that? Why didn't I know it was my birthday? And then I thought a little bit more and I thought, why aren't I happy? What is wrong with me? Why do I feel apathetic? Why do I feel motionless? Like nothing matters. I literally had all those feelings, and I started realizing that I was getting into this depression. And, you know, I spent my life going to church, doing all the right things, I didn't have a real relationship with God. I had at points, you know, surrendered to God briefly, and then went back to my old ways. So I I just sat there in front of that bowl of Captain Crunch and I asked God, What is wrong with me? Why aren't I happy? Show me, God, show me what to do to make myself happy. I heard nothing. I got up, drove to work. As I was driving to work, I passed a gym, a newer gym that was built, and they had a promotion going on. So I decided after work that day I was gonna stop in there and join the gym. I joined the gym. I got a membership card. I posted that on social media. It got all kinds of likes and comments. Hey, good for you, brother. You know, I'm gonna be rooting for you. I need to do this myself. And there were a lot of comments. I said I need to do this myself. You know, I I'm happy to watch your journey. Maybe you can inspire me or help me. That that hit me because okay, that's purpose, that's striking a chord with me. But what I also really loved was all the likes and all of the attention and all of the validation. And I got soaked into all of that. So I started posting my progress. I started posting everything. I was getting up at three o'clock in the morning and doing runs. I started the Couch to 5K app, and I'm like, come join me, come join me. And I started eating all that up. My ego was getting filled up. I, you know, if you if you don't know me, if you have not been listening, I'd spent a lot of my life with a low self-esteem. I got bullied when I was a kid, I'm a short guy, as quiet, introverted, easy to make fun of. And, you know, that actually caused me for most of my church life to not really step up. But that's another story for another day. And while I'm doing all of this fitness stuff and inspiring people, I'm saying God is behind all of this, and that's key right there. Because I don't know if I was actually saying it in those moments, but I was using God, literally, using God as the catalyst for this journey, but really it wasn't about God, it was about me. But, you know, when I tell the testimony now, I say I had God behind me, and that's key. But we'll we'll get back to that in a moment why I say that's key that I was saying that God was behind me, because God shouldn't have been behind me, but we'll get there in a moment. But while getting self-consumed in my transformation and inspiring people, I was losing myself. I had lost what little identity I had in Christ. All of it was gone at that point. I was also neglecting my marriage, which made room for the enemy, and it created an emotional affair. Someone reached out to me on Instagram, innocent conversation, asking about some fitness stuff, and we talked more and more and more and more and more, and then we got into relationship stuff, and it got deep. It got to the point though, I was literally considering having an affair with this person. Man, that took a moment because I've never actually said this out loud on a podcast. Anyone? It didn't happen, thank God. But you know, I'm I'm a man. There were there were moments where I had thought about it. I never met this person. Thankfully, my wife discovered it. Left my phone open one morning, she started reading messages, read through, she discovered it. It was a bad, bad moment, but really that's the moment where God stepped in because it was the decision, and that's that's key where I'm gonna get to talk to when I start talking about the renewal of the mind because it's decisions. I had a decision to make in that moment. Was I gonna throw away my 35-year marriage and all of my life, hurt my grandkids, hurt my children for this idol that I was building called fitness, and maybe pursue a woman that I never met in person. So it was time. It was time to decide. And in that moment, I decided surrender. I gave it up. I gave up the fitness business, I deleted all of my social media, I gave my wife all my passwords to rebuild trust. And then I got on my knees and I prayed to God. I repented. God, I'm sorry, forgive me. And my wife and I started going and seeking counseling and rebuilding our marriage. And when I surrendered, that's where the real transformation began. It wasn't physical, it was spiritual. But all of that time wasn't completely wasted because the God takes your life and he uses it in ways. What I hadn't learned through that time, through the, you know, because it takes discipline to get into shape. What I hadn't learned through that fitness journey was discipline, something I didn't have before that moment. But God took that. And I took that discipline that I had learned through that, and I decided I'm putting God first, not me first. I stopped getting up and going to the gym first thing in the morning. I gave God my first fruits. I spent time with God. I started reading the Word. Fifteen minutes here and there, I didn't really set a time, I would just read something, and then I'd get up and go to the gym. Then something interesting happened as I started reading. Something would strike a chord, and I'd want to know more about it, so I'd spend more time reading, looking it up, cross-referencing. And honestly, Proverbs was the book that like always struck a chord with me, so you know it took some cross cross-referencing, some there was no AI at that time, some Googling to try to figure out okay, what does this mean? What's the context of all this? You can you can do all that on Google. There's a site, Bible Hub, where he shows different translations and everything. The point is, is that I was reading all of that, and then before I knew it, I didn't have time to go to the gyms. I had to get ready and go to work. And what I learned through that is that I need to go to the gym every day. I could go two or three days a week, still take care of my body because that's important. I still, to this to this day, and that was five years ago when that happened. I still to this day take care of myself. I'm not going to the gym right now because financial reasons, but I'm still working out at home. I'm still keeping myself in shape. I'm doing some cardio stuff, I'm going out on walks, riding bike. I'm keeping myself in shape because that's stewardship. It's important. That fitness journey wasn't wrong. I just took it to the wrong place. I made it an idol. And that's key right there. And that's where originally I was saying I had God behind me. Now, my life, because I'm seeking God first in the mornings, I'm putting God front and center. God is at the front and center of everything I do. This is a Christian podcast. This is a podcast for Christian men. I could easily have a podcast for self-development and fitness and physical and all those kind of things and still be a faith-based person. But no, I'm putting God first. God is, you see me on this YouTube channel, on the podcast audio, on all my platforms, I am going to talk about God because God is front and center, not me. That's really where the renewal and the true transformation by the renewal of your mind comes. Because when I started that transformation fitness journey, I was conforming to the ways of the world. I was doing everything that the world told me to do. Grind, go hard, set everything aside and go all in on it. That's the world standards. God's standards is seek ye first the kingdom of God. So I started seeking him first. I'm still in decent shape. I don't have a six-pack anymore. I'm not super buffed and ripped like you see in that picture. But it's okay. I'm in good physical shape. I'm in good mental shape. I'm getting good spiritual shape. And just like my physical self, my mental self, and my spiritual self, it can all improve. I don't claim to have any of this figured out. I'm on here talking about renewal of the mind. I just recently answered a question from some people. He's like, well, you know, you're working out your salvation for the rest of your life. Absolutely. But we strive, we strive to be better day by day. And that's really what it's all about. That's really how you transform by the renewal of your mind. So here's the true transformation. Romans 12 2 lived out. Do not be conformed by the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind. My body changed first, but my mind, my identity, my purpose, my desires. God transformed that. And that transformation didn't happen in the gym. It happened in prayer, it happened in scripture, it happened in surrender, it happened in obedience. And it's still happening. It's not like I got it all, like I said a minute ago, it's not like I got it all figured out. God is still working on me. He finalized it at the cross, but myself and you, we as men, we need to live that out daily. We need to pick up our cross daily. And it comes with the decisions that we make. Because it all starts in your mind. What are you gonna do next? Who are you gonna choose to live for every day? God took what almost destroyed me and rebuilt me. And he is still rebuilding me. I say he rebuilt me, but it's still an ongoing process. But he took that. He took that failure, he took that failure, and he's forging it into my calling. That's why this podcast is called The Valiant Forge. Because iron is sharpening iron, and I'm praying that as I tell this story and I'm speaking to you, that it's somehow tugging at your spirit and helping you try to figure out or ask what is renewal of the mind? How do I renew my mind and transform who I am so I can transform physically, spiritually, mentally, become a better man, become a better husband, become a better father, become a better leader. All the things to be a true biblical man walking out in God's purpose. So if you're listening to this and you feel like you're drifting, or you're performing, or you're hiding in shame, you're not alone, but you're not too far gone. You're not beyond redemption. No one is beyond redemption. Our Savior died on the cross to redeem us, and all it takes is one surrender away. You're one surrender away from a completely change of life. But that change happens with the decision to turn to Christ. Read the word, get in prayer, let the Holy Spirit lead you. Every decision you make, does it line up with the Word of God? And when you start doing that, when you start making the decisions that God is leading you towards, the Holy Spirit is leading you towards, it will make you the man that God is calling you to be. Now, if you're if you just found this podcast or this YouTube channel and you want to know more about stuff like this, subscribe to the channel, subscribe to the podcast. I've also created a community on school, totally free. There's not much going on right there, right now, at the moment, but over time I'm gonna be start having some live calls. I'm gonna be asking questions, answering questions, sending out encouragements, building things. So one thing that I'm actually gonna be putting in there this week, and I'm saying it on this podcast on a Monday, so I can be true to my word because I'm a man of my word. I'm going to put a uh 25-minute hit kettlebell workout in there that if you want to start transforming your body, but remember, first seek God first and then work on transforming your body. Because as I said, being in good physical shape is the right thing to do. It's stewardship. You got a steward over your body as well as your mental and spiritual health. If you want to do that, I'm I will have it in there this week in the classroom. It's it's gonna be simple, it'll be a PDF that you can download. It'll just be the workouts that you can do in 25 minutes. It'll be more of a cardio type workout, but it will get you started on your journey to becoming a better physical man. And then I'm also going to start having some studies on Proverbs and different things so you can figure out how to renew your mind through spiritual formation, through spiritual transformation. So, with that, stay strong, stay valiant, keep forging your path, and be blessed.