When Special Education Works with Adrian Wood

Ep 12 — What if inclusion in schools didn’t have to be a constant fight? Adrian Wood, PhD, shares what actually helped her son with autism thrive in their public school system. Adrian and Amy Julia Becker explore:

• Building trust with educators
• Collaboration and creativity
• Navigating IEPs and transitions
• Small changes that make a big difference

03:36 Navigating Public School for Children with Disabilities

05:59 Creative Thinking and Working Together as a Team

15:01 Strategies for Success

22:01 Preparing for Transitions in Education

Ask Me Anything: Record (or email) your question for our upcoming Ask Me Anything episode: amyjuliabecker.com/qr/

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MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:

• VLOG: Tales of an Educated Debutante

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WATCH this conversation on YouTube: Amy Julia Becker on YouTube

SUBSCRIBE to Amy Julia's Substack: amyjuliabecker.substack.com

JOIN the conversation on Instagram: @amyjuliabecker

LISTEN to more episodes: amyjuliabecker.com/shows/

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ABOUT:

Adrian Wood is the creator of the vlog Tales of an Educated Debutante. She has a PhD in Educational Research and contributes to Today Parents, The Today Show, and the Love What Matters blog. She lives in rural eastern North Carolina with her family. She is the co-author of Autism Out Loud.  

CONNECT with Adrian on her website (talesofaneducateddebutante.com), Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube. 

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Take the Next Step is produced in collaboration with Hope Heals. Hope Heals creates sacred spaces of belonging and belovedness for families affected by disabilities to experience sustaining hope in the context of inclusive, intentional, inter-ability communities. Find out more about our resources, gatherings, and inter-ability communities at hopeheals.com. Follow on Instagram @hopeheals.

Transcript

Note: This transcript is autogenerated and does contain errors. Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.

Amy Julia Becker (00:06)
I'm Amy Julia Becker and this is Take the Next Step, a podcast for families experiencing disability. We've teamed up with our friends at Hope Heals to bring you weekly conversations with fellow parents, therapists, and disability advocates about practical ways to cultivate a thriving future for the whole family. Here at Take the Next Step, we see your family as a gift to your local community and to our whole society. Your family matters, your child matters,

We need you among us. For those of you who have kids receiving special education services, what is going well? What's hard? How can you get involved in your child's education? There are so many topics to touch on when it comes to special education and we won't cover them all today. IEPs, transition services, what to do if you think your child isn't receiving the services they do, how to foster friendship within school settings, the list goes on and on. I'm not trying to answer

all of our questions today, but I do hope that this conversation with Adrienne Wood will help us all consider meaningful and manageable ways to be engaged in our children's education and take steps toward a good future. Adrienne Wood is the creator of the vlog, Tales of an Educated Debutant. She has a PhD in educational research. She contributes to Today Parents, the Today Show, and Love What Matters blog.

and she lives in rural Eastern North Carolina with her family, including her son Amos, who has autism.

Well, hello, Adrian. Thank you so much for being here with us today. Sure. Well, I think you know that I love reading about your family and following you and their escapades on social media. But I do want to make sure that we introduce you to our listeners well. So I was wondering if you could just tell us a little bit about you and your family.

Adrian Wood (01:47)
I'm so glad to be here.

Yeah, I'm Adrienne Wood. have a vlog, I guess is the word for it, Tales of an Educated Debutant and live in a little town that you were very familiar with, your hometown, Eaton to North Carolina. Pretty rural, ⁓ have four children. My youngest has autism and a genetic disorder. And just sort of I write and do videos about, you know, the backstory of life, escapades, hard stuff.

funny things, just like.

Amy Julia Becker (02:37)
Yeah, and one of the things that I love about what you share is, first of all, it's not all centered around Amos, who is your youngest son who has autism, but also that it is very real. And we get a portrait of the hard and the amazingly good and everything in between. And one of the things that I am hoping to do with this podcast this year is tell stories about when something related to disability is actually going well and is working.

We hear so many stories about how our systems are broken and I do not want to downplay the very real ways that that is true. But I also think that when we can hone in on something that is going well, we can begin to actually envision a good future for our kids, for our families, for our communities and take small steps in that direction. And so having read your, ⁓ well, your social media posts, watched your vlog, you know, for many years now.

I wanted to talk to you about your experience in the public school system and what has actually worked for you and your family. So can we just start with like a little kind of Amos 101 in the public schools, you know, a little bit of the history and like his situation in your local schools.

Adrian Wood (03:52)
Yes, so Edenton has, ⁓ it's one district, we have an elementary school, a middle school, and a high school. So there's no Fed4, my friend in Minnesota, there's no this, there's, we have no options. And the benefit of no options is what you have has to work, right? Because I am not a homeschooler, this is not happening for me. I can teach people nothing. And I'm a PhD in education, and clearly.

there was a failure somewhere in the coursework. ⁓ So Amos started school, like many children do with a disability, on his third birthday. this is his, the math doesn't ever make sense in my mind, but this is his 10th year in public school and he's 12. And he currently is in the fifth grade. So he's at his last year of elementary school. He spends his day primarily in the typical classroom. ⁓

For a couple years, he was in sort of an exceptional children's classroom. That was kind of during COVID. In pre-K, he was in a typical classroom when he was like five and six. So he's kind of gone back and forth. But since I would say the third grade, he primarily has been in the typical classroom. But there's an exceptional children's classroom where he could kind of go. ⁓ He does some pull out in there and he does still eat lunch in there because the cafeteria is not.

great place for him. He's highly averse to loud noises. ⁓ So that's sort of where we are today.

Amy Julia Becker (05:24)
So what would you say has like, are some of the components of like what's working for him? Like what, you know, it sounds like this is a kind of you're speaking in a fairly like straightforward. Yeah, like he's in this classroom. He's in that classroom. What has worked? What has not worked for your family, for Amos particularly? I'm honing in in my mind on the example of he's not going to eat in the cafeteria. Like how, you know, how did you figure that out?

⁓ What went into this being something that you can kind of speak so matter of factly about?

Adrian Wood (05:59)
Yeah, a lot. I think a lot of times I'll hear from families and they have not great relationships with their school systems. And it makes me sad because ⁓ we've got to have a good relationship. And so then the question is, well, how do you have a good relationship? And I would say, think the biggest thing that's helped me is being vulnerable with the school system and really sharing my heart. I have to be willing to share

my wishes for him, you know. It doesn't feel great to be kind of an emotional mess, right? But I remember when he went to pre-K that very first day, I was looking through the rectangular window at him. He was three years old. He was in a one-piece jumper, know, John John, his little Southern boys' wear, in a diaper. He was three. And ⁓ the principal was standing beside me and I was crying.

I said, just, this is just so hard. And she said, it's hard for everybody when they drop their children off at school. And I said, it's not the same. You know, I've done this three times. I'm not new to this. It's not normal to drop your three-year-old off in a diaper at public school. And I had, in that moment, I had to relinquish vulnerability to her. And she said,

you're right. You know, and so that was kind of, think the first step, that very first day, and I've got to be willing to really share hard things with them so they know how I do feel.

Amy Julia Becker (07:41)
And how has that played out over time? mean, that is so interesting that that was like the very first day without any, it sounds like without forethought, wasn't really, you were like, I never even principal knows, you know, it just like happened. But it sounds like that also set a path for you.

Adrian Wood (07:56)
Yeah, and so I think I continue to do that. I will say in an IEP meeting, I want the best for Amos and the best for Amos is a world that loves him when I'm not in it anymore. And so he needs access to these typical peers, not just for his academics, but because these are the people that are gonna be around him.

When I'm not always going to be here. He's younger than I am. So the best thing I can do is make the world a friendly place. And if children don't have access to peers with disabilities, then how can they ever truly include them? You know, I think it's cute and fun to show up for Special Olympics, but that's one day. You know, we need bigger than that. ⁓ And so we are at a school now where everybody knows Amos and

Amy Julia Becker (08:44)
Right.

Adrian Wood (08:54)
I love that because I don't deal with bullying. I don't deal with all these things because they all know Amos. But to go back to the beginning of when he was in the second grade and we were talking about, said, I was kind of sharing my thoughts and wishes for him. And it was like, well, we're going to have him eat in the cafeteria and do PE and specials. And I think overwhelmingly, and you could correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel like most families say that's where inclusion happens, right?

And for us, I said, well, he doesn't like music and he detests the cafeteria. So those aren't, that's not going to be good for us. but he does like STEM because he enjoys an iPad. So can we, and in the morning, like the morning meeting, they come into the classroom. Can we just try? Can we have him come in for the 30 minutes? We don't have to put it in the IP. Let's just see if it works. And so I sort of approached it like that.

Hmm. I'm willing to say if you say it doesn't work. It doesn't work. But can we try? Well, it's hard to say no, we can't try. Yeah, and So we started trying and I said just this year, you know The cafeteria doesn't ever need to be a goal for us. It's okay if we just say I'm never gonna eat in a crowded place Right, like that's okay. So I wanted to eat with his peers. So last year

Amy Julia Becker (10:14)
Yeah.

Adrian Wood (10:22)
I said, okay, if he eats in Ms. Bonner's classroom, could we maybe invite some kids in there? Could they sign up to eat lunch with him? So that's what they do now. Two children sign up every day to eat lunch with him. And this year they expanded it to the whole fifth grade because everybody wants a turn. ⁓ so you're kind of making it like it's a treat to eat with Amos. ⁓ Yeah. And again, we're just trying, you know, we don't know. We're just trying.

Amy Julia Becker (10:50)
But it also sounds like you are approaching the school as a part of a team of support and care. And I know that for me, I don't know, I felt like I had my guard up as the mom of a child with a disability because I'd heard about lawsuits over IEPs and the ways in which schools have to protect their funding and, ⁓ you know, having the experience of sitting and receiving measures.

of your child from a standardized test that don't seem to really represent them, but also seem to say they're, you know, quote unquote failing in some way, just all those experiences that can feel like I am on the opposite side rather than we are together here for this child. Do you think there are things that you or the school has done to really make it feel like we are working together as a team?

Adrian Wood (11:43)
do say I try to give twice as much as I ask for. I need them to see me in a way that I'm out at school, whether I'm raising money or I'm reading to children or I'm taking the service dog out to the playground so that they see me as a partner and not just this parent that shows up. Because I do ask for things and I'm not, you know, Miss Sunset and Rainbows all the time. If I feel strongly about something, I sort of

say it in a way that they're not going to call my bluff. It's not argumentative. It's just, this is really important to me.

Amy Julia Becker (12:22)
And it also sounds like you're choosing that even though you might, I don't know, read a book that tells you these are the 10 things that must be happening in the classroom, that you're taking that list, that hypothetical list and saying, well, actually, it doesn't even work for Amos to be in the cafeteria. So we're going to cross that off the list. and we're going to. But we're also going to make sure he's not isolated in a room eating lunch alone. And we're going to find a middle way. And I think that.

almost like creative thinking, which often involves trying things, talking with another, this group of people on the school side, trying to understand where they're coming from, working as a team. Like there's a, mindset, it sounds like that you and they have towards Amos's inclusion and belonging in the school that is part of what's making it work.

Adrian Wood (13:13)
Yeah, I think so. And I think having the right teacher, I say every year and have said now for years, because we, who is the right teacher going to be? You know, there's this thought that this type of personality is the right teacher. And every year I say, I want a teacher that wants Amos in their classroom. I am not going to be offended if you don't want to spend the day with Amos. My parents could not handle Amos for the day. This is not offensive to me.

recognize your strengths. And so I feel really strongly about that. And we've had years that weren't so great and that ⁓ we've had some really good years the last couple of years. And they're not always the teacher that you would think would love the Amos. So I think going in the classroom this year, I went into the classroom before school started. I asked for a transition meeting because last year

That meeting happened like the week of school and I didn't think the classroom was a good fit, but it felt too late. So this year I was like, I want to do it in July because I need to make sure that this feels right. And the teacher this year, when I went in July, she had a cozy corner set up. She had framed a picture of Amos and his dog in the cozy corner. His teacher last year, one of the teachers he really liked, it was her best friend.

I felt comfortable that they were really going to have, ⁓ she would be able to communicate with the last teacher. And that was really helpful. You know, so every year learning, ooh, I didn't like that. That didn't, and saying to the school, that didn't work. So we have to pivot and not blaming them, saying to them, I don't know either, but we're going to try.

Amy Julia Becker (15:00)
Yeah, yeah, I think there's so many things in what you've said that we can kind of extract. One of the things that I know we've talked about is having a small school district can seem really limiting and it also can be filled with great possibilities because, as you said, there aren't other options. Like we have to make it work. So I'm curious for people, which is I assume the majority of people are not in tiny school districts like you and I have been in, and they don't have quite the same amount of ability to have.

these relationships and people who know your kid from year to year, or at least it might feel like that's not possible. I guess what I'm wondering is, are there ways that we can expand this to think about situations with much bigger public school districts where you might have ⁓ bigger classrooms or you might have just so many, many more families that you're thinking about? I still think there are things you've said that might be.

helpful and applicable even in those situations. So I'm curious what you think for people who are in the bigger situation.

Adrian Wood (16:03)
Yeah, and I'm imagining myself living in Raleigh. That's kind of our big city. And ⁓ I think that's when being the PTA president or volunteer probably really makes a difference because you're building a relationship with the principal that you might be at that school for six years. And that's going to really be a benefit to you. Yeah. And letting the teachers know you. think there's kind of this thought of now I hope that teachers are like,

We love to have Amos in our class instead of like, this mom's gonna drive us crazy. Instead, this mom is gonna be like, what do you need? What can I do? You know, what's helpful for you? Wanting kind of that good reputation ⁓ when it comes to being a part of the classroom. I think the hardest part of being, and I use Raleigh, North Carolina as an example,

Amy Julia Becker (16:41)
Yeah.

Adrian Wood (16:54)
because there's something that happens there that I really struggle to understand how it's legal. And I don't know what I would do if I lived there is that Raleigh, Wake County schools have AU classrooms. And we know from idea of the federal law in 1975, Individuals with Disability Education Act, that children have the legal right to access to the least restrictive environment. With or without an aid. And so I'm not sure how Wake County schools are getting away with

AU class.

Amy Julia Becker (17:25)
So for people who don't know what's an AU classroom.

Adrian Wood (17:27)
a classroom for autistic children. And this kind of similar thing happened with a family who had a child with Down syndrome and Winston Salem. Are you familiar with that case? No. So I, that's a, another story, but she would be a good mom for you to have on. But she and I had dinner and their daughter had Down syndrome and they wanted her in their neighborhood school, third child. And the school was like, no, we can't have her. She's going to have to go to this school with.

class with special needs and they were like, well, no, she's not. So the family put their daughter in a private school, hired an aide, sued the school district. ⁓ and they won the case and the judge wrote this scathing review, made the school district pay them back for the year of private school and the aid and the transportation to the school and said she has a right to be in the classroom. Yeah. So I don't, I don't know.

Amy Julia Becker (18:17)
Wow.

Adrian Wood (18:24)
think that they I wish I'd love to live there just so I could try to be that parent to say you realize this isn't legal and we don't need to have a lawsuit but we got to make some changes.

Amy Julia Becker (18:36)
Yeah, and I do think that is it brings up and we're not gonna have time to talk about it But just the fact that there are situations in which the right thing to do is to say no This is not okay And what I think is you know, devastating is the number of people who can't upfront play pay for the private school and then get reimbursed You know and and there's so there are again just to acknowledge that there are plenty of people who are in really really hard situations and talking about what's going well is not to

minimize that in any way at the same time to say there are ways that we that are within our control that we can show up in these situations in our schools, ⁓ whether that is as the PTA president or as the volunteer in the classroom or the person showing up for the PTA meetings or the person who is simply volunteering. mean, literally one time a year, like whatever is actually feasible within your family and your schedule.

There still are ways to make yourself known. And then the other thing I've been hearing you say is just that idea of being, ⁓ yeah, collaborative in the ⁓ kind of wellness of not just your child, but actually the whole community. I I love thinking about the ways having Amos in these classrooms is beneficial. I love your attitude of like, I want the teacher who wants Amos. There's gonna be someone actually, like I assume that, but also I assume that there's some who say that's too much for me.

and I'm not going to think badly of you for it and we're going to move on. Think about all these things in closing. I guess I just summarized a few things that I'm taking away from this conversation. Are there any other things you would add or meaningful and manageable ways that parents can help special education and public education work for their child with some form of disability?

Adrian Wood (20:26)
Yeah, I think you, ⁓

think you have to be willing to be flexible and you have to choose what's most important to you. our pediatric psychiatrist ⁓ says that when I call him and vomit all the problems we have and he'll be like, well, what's the highest on your list? I think choosing what's most important and saying to the school, this is really important to me. How can we make this happen? But let me say one other thing that I would advise for people in big school districts.

Every state has an education agency. And in that education agency, there will be a person who is available to you that works for the Department of Public Instruction. So for me, for example, there is a person for autism for my district of the state. You can always call that person, email that person. They will help you navigate. You can ask them questions. Well, they want my child to do this.

Do I have to do that? Is that legal? So if you don't have the background that I do, which is special education, education, I realized that I was made for this job, know that there is a person available to you that is available at no charge. They will come to an IEP meeting. I am always sending parents to the website and saying, here's your person, reach out to them. ⁓ So I just wanted to-

Amy Julia Becker (21:58)
Great, thank you.

Adrian Wood (21:59)
because that's important. But I think for us, so right now where we are, Amos is going to middle school next year. What does middle school look like? What does my middle school look like? Our middle school currently has an EC classroom, right? And there might be some children with disabilities that have maybe been incorporated more, but not the Amos's of the world. And so I've been going ahead and having some conversations with our principal and saying, know,

We need to be talking about what the cozy corners look like at the middle school. Right. And Algebra 1. What does that look like? Because I think there's for us right now this thought of, if you can't do Algebra 1, you're not in the classroom. But that's not what the law says. So I have to say we know the cozy corner works well. We know Amos can get some work done over there. Now we got to get these teachers ready for this big change coming. And that's going to be one of my

That's kind of my big important thing right now. And PE. So let me just say that. drives me crazy. So that's my one complaint. I'm not supposed to complain, but Amos cannot tolerate the gym. I'm like always saying, can we have PE outside? Well, no, evidently we cannot, but I've let that go. But next year, I'm like, ⁓ PE, can somebody sign up to go with Amos to walk the track? know, how can PE, maybe next year is my chance to have PE.

Amy Julia Becker (23:22)
Well, and I love this also that, you know, we're talking in, you the beginning of 2026, you are thinking about the beginning of the school year. And I love I want to actually hone in on one other thing you said before in terms of that transition meeting before fifth grade. ⁓ I actually remember now, especially when Penny was transitioning from the ⁓ elementary school to the middle school, they actually had a day where they invited her a week before school started.

to walk around, see where her classrooms were. Is she gonna be able to do a combination lock on a locker? If not, we'll come up with another solution. If she is, we're gonna give her some extra time to be working on that. I think that recognizing those ways that we can actually pave the road in relationships, but also in these like very tactical walk around the building, look at the space, consider all of the different stimulation that might be too much or, you know.

And doing that, again, I think it sets up a sense of teamwork with the people who are on the ground in the school as well and helps you just get a little bit of the lay of the land. So that's another thing I would just pick up from what you've said here is that those transition moments, whether it's simply into a new school year or into a new school system and school itself, are really important. And they are things that we can plan for.

⁓ and think about and there are opportunities there. It's not just a big scary thing, although it is a little bit of that, but also there are opportunities there, ⁓ whether that's, know, okay, maybe it's time to be able to change PE class ⁓ and to think creatively about this. So anyway, anything else you would say as we kind of come to an end here?

Adrian Wood (24:59)
You know, keep a sense of humor. I think always having a sense of humor is just so important. And as you know, you have a child with a disability and things can be hard. Last night we went to ⁓ TJ Maxx and Amos is not particularly a great shopper. And so it's good for us to go practice when we don't really, I didn't really have anything I needed to do. And we don't live near, we drove 30 minutes and I was like, we're go do this this afternoon. This is just a good practice opportunity.

Well, we walked in and he was like, and he talks loudly and he was like, you need a purse. And I was like, my gosh. So he picks out this purse and he's walking around with a purse and he's really, he loves travel. So he was talking about a Virgin cruise because he saw a Virgin cruise boat recently and he wants to go on a Virgin cruise boat, but he doesn't call it a Virgin cruise. He calls it a Virgin. And I told him, you know, we're not going to go on a Virgin cruise because they...

I shouldn't have said this, but I did. There's diarrhea there and there's no television. So he is in TJ Maxx talking at Decibel Def Con 10 and he's got his purse and he's like, you're going on a virgin that does not have diarrhea and has TV. And I was like, this is so embarrassing and so fricking funny at the same time, you know? And I just went about my business, but I was like, you know, we're educating the world. I mean, know, like.

Keep a sense of humor and just keep trying things. know, keep trying because you just have to keep trying.

Amy Julia Becker (26:31)
Well, thank you for not only keeping on trying, but also telling all the stories. I love them. And we are grateful for that. and ⁓ yeah, really grateful for these just kind of nuggets of practical mom wisdom, you know, show up, think the best of people, work within limits and within, you know, imagining good possibilities ⁓ and and see what happens. And maybe there's a lot of ⁓ a lot of goodness in store. So I love it. Thank you. Thank you.

Adrian Wood (26:56)
think so.

Amy Julia Becker (27:03)
Thanks so much for joining me here at Take the Next Step. This show is produced in partnership with our friends at Hope Heals. Hope Heals is a nonprofit that creates sacred spaces of belonging and belovedness for families affected by disabilities to experience sustaining hope in the context of inter-ability communities. Couple of notes as we finish this episode, we are gathering your questions for an upcoming Ask Me Anything episode.

You can submit a question by clicking the link in the show notes that you can do with your voice, or you can send a question by email. Either way, the link will get you to us and we would love to hear from you ⁓ any questions you might have about this specific topic or any topic that is related to what we talk about here at Take the Next Step. We're really excited about the conversations we have in store for you this season. Next week, I'll be talking with Kristin and Todd Evans about how to build a thriving marriage as you care for children with disabilities.

We have upcoming episodes about how to stay organized, about the nature of disability. What is it? How do we talk about it? We have upcoming episodes about caregiving, about behavior, ⁓ and all sorts of other good stuff. So again, please stick around, follow, rate, review this show, share it with other people so they know it's out there, and send your questions my way. You can just tap the send us a text link at the end of the show notes or email me at Amy Juliabeckerwriter.

I want to thank Jake Hansen for editing this podcast and Amber Berry, my assistant, who does everything else to make sure it happens. I hope you leave this time with encouragement to start with delight, connect to community, and take the next small step toward a good future for your family.