Disability and Simple Faith Practices for Exhausted Parents with Pam Harmon

E19—Many parents of children with disabilities carry deep spiritual questions and have very little space to process them. Amy Julia Becker talks with Pam Harmon about spiritual direction and why it can be a lifeline for parents navigating caregiving, uncertainty, and burnout. Together they explore practical ways to slow down, notice God in everyday life, and find renewed hope in the middle of disability parenting.

00:00 Introduction to Spiritual Direction
03:48 Experiencing Spiritual Direction in Real Time
05:20 The Hummingbird's Lesson: A Reflection on Action
07:17 Spiritual Needs of Parents of Kids with Disabilities
10:30 Finding Space for Spiritual Direction
12:59 Practical Spiritual Practices for Parents
21:23 Recognizing the Need for Spiritual Direction

Ask Me Anything: Record (or email) your question for our upcoming Ask Me Anything episode: amyjuliabecker.com/qr/

MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:

• Young Life Capernaum
• Spiritual Directors International
• Grafted Life Ministries
• With Ministries
• Pam’s email: pharmonyl@comcast.net

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JOIN the conversation on Instagram: @amyjuliabecker

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ABOUT OUR GUEST:

Pam Harmon is a leader in disability ministry with more than 20 years of experience serving youth with disabilities nationwide. She launched Young Life Capernaum in the Washington, DC region and now serves as a Church Consultant with With Ministries, helping congregations become more inclusive and create spaces of belonging for all. She holds a Master’s degree from Fuller Theological Seminary and is a certified Spiritual Director through Lipscomb University.

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/withministriesorg/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/withministriesorg

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/with-ministries

Capernaum Young Life: capernaum.younglife.org • Instagram: @ylcapernaum

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Take the Next Step is produced in partnership with Hope Heals Camp. Hope Heals creates sacred spaces of belonging and belovedness for families affected by disabilities to experience sustaining hope in the context of inclusive, intentional, inter-ability communities. Find out more about our resources, gatherings, and inter-ability communities at hopeheals.com. Follow on Instagram: @hopeheals and @hopeheals.camp

Transcript

Note: This transcript is autogenerated and does contain errors. Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.

Amy Julia Becker (00:06)
I'm Amy Julia Becker and this is Take the Next Step, a podcast for families experiencing disability. We've teamed up with our friends at Hope Heals to bring you weekly conversations with fellow parents, therapists, and disability advocates about practical ways to cultivate a thriving future for the whole family. Here at Take the Next Step, we see your family as a gift to our society and to your local community. Your family matters, your child matters.

We need you among us. Many of us who are parents and caregivers for children with disabilities carry deep spiritual questions and have very little space to process them. So today I'm talking with Pam Harmon about the idea of spiritual direction, what it is and how spiritual direction can be a lifeline for parents who are navigating caregiving, uncertainty and burnout.

Give you a little background on Pam. She has served youth with disabilities for over two decades through Young Life Capernaum. She now serves as a church consultant with W.I.T.H. Ministries and helps congregations become more inclusive and create spaces of belonging for everyone. She holds a master's degree from Fuller Theological Seminary. She is a certified spiritual director through Lipscomb University. And today, Pam gives us a host of practical ways to slow down

Notice God in our everyday lives and find renewed hope in the midst of disability parenting.

Pam, thank you so much for joining me here today. I am just really glad to have you with us.

Pam Harmon (01:44)
Thank you, my pleasure.

Amy Julia Becker (01:46)
Well, so you have worked with families affected by disability for many years, and you and I have been talking recently because now you're focused on offering spiritual direction to parents of kids with disabilities. I'm sure there are many listeners who hear the word spiritual direction and say, what? So I thought maybe we could start with just a definition. What is spiritual direction?

Pam Harmon (02:10)
It is ⁓ spiritual companioning or walking alongside somebody as they grow in their relationship with the divine. It can be centered on your relationship with Jesus, or it could be just like maybe you're exploring who is God, what you're feeling in nature, and you want somebody to process that with you. The training I've received is based on the Ignation way of spiritual direction, but it's somebody that listens with you.

somebody that gives you space to think and ponder. It's a process of discernment. You get to wonder. The spiritual director's not going to tell you you're wrong. They're just going to ask you more questions to help you yourself wonder. ⁓ And then it's God inviting you into a more meaningful or joyful life. In the Ignatian way, at least, you're

paying attention to what brings you energy and what brings you joy rather than what should you do. God wants us to have a joyful life and to be able to wonder a little bit about that. Looking out the window for a moment, taking a deep breath, looking at the flowers, listening to the birds. It doesn't have to be like, well, I'm just gonna go to Italy. You don't have to do a great big thing.

to find joy. How can I find joy in little things, in the everyday things that can make a big difference in your life rather than ⁓ being concentrating so much on what should I do?

Amy Julia Becker (03:47)
Well, so I know we talked a little bit ahead of time about perhaps you giving us just a very little introduction to what it might feel like to experience spiritual attraction. Do you want to do that for us here?

Pam Harmon (03:59)
Yeah. So when we start, we generally need to start just by taking a few deep breaths. And usually at the beginning of spiritual direction, you have come from doing other things. Whether I'm meeting with somebody on Zoom or whether I'm meeting with somebody in my office, we both have come from doing something else. So the first thing we do is we'll just say, let's just take a couple of breaths and bring your whole self here.

So try to leave what you were doing, running your kids somewhere or being at another appointment. Let's try to bring our whole selves here. So we'll just take a couple breaths, ⁓ like three counts in and then hold it for three counts and then three counts out. And we'll do that a couple times, just quietly. So let's do that. And your listeners can do it. Don't close your eyes if you're driving, but other than that.

feel free to just take a breath. It's really helpful sometimes during the day just to take a couple breaths. So here we go.

and out.

and one more.

and out.

I want to do a reading from this book by Cat Armis. It's called Liturgies for Resisting Empire. Then we would give you time to think just for a couple minutes in silence. And I would ask, did anything catch your attention? Anything you want to talk about? And sometimes we would do a little reading from scripture. But I'll read this reflection.

The Quechua people tell a story about a hummingbird. There was a time when the great forest caught fire. The flames roared and the smoke billowed and all the animals fled in fear. Gathering at the edge of the forest, they watched as their home burned and burned. What can I do? Cried Buck. The fire is so big and I am so small. Howled Fox. Among them hovered a tiny hummingbird.

her beak the size of a honeybee. She flew to a nearby stream, picked up a single drop of water and flew back, dropping it into the fire. She made her way back and forth from the stream to the flames, carrying one drop at a time, over and over. The other animals watched, confused. Finally, Bear asked her, little hummingbird, what are you doing? The hummingbird looked

at all the animals and said, I'm doing what I can. Those who have ears, let them hear.

Amy Julia Becker (06:56)
Thank you. ⁓ And again, for listeners, I suspect, you know, if we were meeting with you, there would be some silence to consider and then some conversation about whatever that reading provoked. So that gives a great introduction into just the idea of spiritual direction and what it might bring up in us. I'm thinking specifically about parents of kids with disabilities. And I'm wondering

what you as someone who's worked with these families for many years, ⁓ what you see as the particular spiritual needs ⁓ of those types of parents.

Pam Harmon (07:33)
⁓ Well, one reason why I read that little story in particular is because so many parents have spoken with me about feeling overwhelmed. parents that I've mostly spent time with ⁓ through Young Life Capernaum are parents of high school age and then transition age. And that transition age is, you know, so

so overwhelming, what is going to happen next? The idea of I can only do what I can do. ⁓ you know, what is mine to do? What happens next? ⁓ And is God in this? Where is God in this? Are just pervasive questions. I think every parent I've ever sat down with is asking those questions. And I think that that's not unique to parents of

individuals with disabilities. You know, I think all parents are asking that of that age group. But I think it is unique for high school age and early 20s, know, college-ish age of individuals with disabilities and their parents because there isn't a definite next step for individuals with disabilities.

are typically developing kids, we think, well, either they're going to get a job or they're going to go to college or they're going to go to trade school. They're going to take a gap year, but then they're going to do one of those things. There's kind of a natural progression that people expect our kids to do. ⁓ And so that transition phase can last a long time for our kids. ⁓

very unique ⁓ thing for parents with kids with disabilities. I think also I've been with a lot of parents who have medically fragile kids. And that in and out of the hospital, ⁓ know, can we plan this? And holding everything lightly, like you plan something and then you're really not sure if it's going to happen. But you want to plan it, you want to hope. So those are unique where it

could just be helpful to have somebody that comes alongside of you and understands that and will listen, but doesn't try to tie it up in a neat bow, because there isn't a neat bow. There isn't a vial verse that's gonna make everything better. As much as we wish there was, there just isn't. What we can know is that Jesus will be with us in it. What we can't promise is that it's gonna all work out.

the way we want it to. We're not promised that. And that's hard to sit in.

Amy Julia Becker (10:33)
What about for people who are listening to this and think, my gosh, it would be amazing to have that type of companionship. And I also cannot imagine a way that that would fit into my life. I mean, you know, again, some of the realities, especially for people with complex medical conditions and to just have a lot of particular demands on their time. Do you have any thoughts on, yeah, kind of where spiritual direction could even fit?

⁓ into a life where it's like, I'm not even getting like the exercise I need, or I'm not even getting time with my spouse, or I'm not even, you know. Yeah, what do you say to that?

Pam Harmon (11:12)
Yeah, a couple of things. One, we all learned during COVID that we can do things by Zoom. Yes. So, you know, we know now that we don't have to necessarily make an appointment and drive a half hour and then go to the appointment and drive home for half hour. We do know that we can make appointments by Zoom. So, ⁓ things can fit into our life a little differently than they did before COVID. So, there are a couple of organizations that you can access online.

⁓ A lot of spiritual direction, ⁓ people will see you online. There's a couple big organizations. There's Spiritual Directors International, which you can find people all over the world, literally, ⁓ that you can either make an appointment either online or if you find one in your location. There's also one that's called Grafted Life Ministries. ⁓

They're called Christian Spiritual Direction Association. So spiritual directors international are not necessarily Christian. They would just be spiritual alt-faiths. Grafted Life Ministries has Christian spiritual direction. you know, depending on what you're looking for. I also just wanted to talk about a few spiritual practices that you can do on your own at home that just like the breathing.

Things that you, throughout your day, can just take a moment and when you have those times that you're like, I just don't know if I can keep doing this. This is just hard. I need a breath. Literally a breath. What can you do that just reorients you? ⁓ And that taking a couple breaths makes a big difference. And literally, you you can do it with your kid. ⁓

say, let's all take a breath. Let's both take a breath. ⁓ You you do that a couple times. It regulates you inside and out. It will help your kid regulate. You can say thank you, God, as you breathe in, and you can breathe out something you're thankful for again. You can go around the table and have your kids say something. You can teach the practice of gratitude. Gratitude changes the air in the room.

and changes your brain, what your brain is doing. ⁓ I've found if I light a candle, something special happens. You know? light a candle and you welcome the Holy Spirit into the room or you welcome celebration. There are things that you celebrate as parents of ⁓ children with disabilities that sometimes you can't celebrate with your peers because their kids did it.

a long time ago. But we're celebrating. The first time that your son or daughter ⁓ gets invited to a birthday party. I've been with lots of parents that that happened to. And it wasn't until they were in high school. It frankly wasn't until they participated in Young Life Capernaum that they had real friends and got invited to a birthday party. And mom was so excited. Well, their

peers, moms, friends, their kids had been going to birthday parties since they were three. Their friends were celebrating going on dates and getting driver's licenses. to have a place where you can light candles and have a glass of wine and have streamers because your kid got invited to a birthday party is important. It's a celebration.

If you want to light candles and celebrate because of something that is worth celebrating, do it. And for me, that can be a spiritual practice. You are worth celebrating. Your child is worth celebrating. The other thing that I have done is play the silent game. you know, maybe you did this ⁓ when your kids were littler, but you can also do it with big kids.

and you can play the silent game in the car or you can play it at home. If you need quiet, you can play the silent game and you can see who can be quiet the longest. And it's okay to need quiet. I love taking immersive walks, either by yourself or with your kids. And you look for all the senses. So you look for something to smell, you look for something to see, you look for something to taste.

Amy Julia Becker (15:45)
Yeah.

Pam Harmon (16:00)
You look for, you know, and you can write it down or you can draw it, but it helps regulate you. It can help regulate your child. You can notice God in nature. And it gives everybody something to focus on besides what it is that you've been focusing on that maybe has pushed you to the edge.

or maybe that you need a break from. And while you aren't getting to talk to somebody about it, you are noticing God in the world. If you're taking a walk and using your senses and noticing something different than the situation that you're finding yourself in. Another celebration one is to have a dance party in your kitchen. Turn that music on and go for it.

You don't have to go somewhere. You can celebrate in your kitchen. And you can do that by yourself, or you can do that with your kids, or you can do it with your partner, your spouse. Just go for it. And the last one I would say is journal. I know I'm always like, I don't have time to journal. can't journal. But even if you can just write down something that brought you joy today, or something that brought you joy yesterday, if you can look.

that there is something that's bringing you joy. And then as you notice, as you write that down for a few days or weeks, notice a pattern. What is it that brings you joy? And talk to God about it and ask God, can I do that more often? What is it that brings me joy? I want to do that more often. I want to steer myself toward that. And if there's something that you're doing that's exhausting you,

and you're noticing that, find a way not to do that. Is there somebody that could help you in that area? Can you ask for help with that?

Amy Julia Becker (18:11)
hearing a lot about both ⁓ slowing down and paying attention and the fact that we don't actually have to be doing that all day long, but that there might be these little moments, whether that's at the end of the day or the beginning of a day or even in the middle of a day, where even attending, whether that's the slowing down of taking a breath or lighting a candle or ⁓

the paying attention to one thing to be thankful for, one thing that felt joyful, one thing that felt exhausting, ⁓ that all of those little moments actually can add up to a different trajectory. I heard actually recently that, I think it was, I think the statistic was if you make a 1 % change every day, that's a 36 % change over the course of a year or something like that.

But the point just being that these really little shifts can actually make a big difference over time. So I just appreciate those examples. And we're coming kind of to an end of our time. I have two more questions for you. One is just like, if I am someone who's listening to this podcast, are there any things that I might be able to notice that might prompt me to seek out spiritual direction? because I guess I'm thinking back to myself as a mom, when I had really young kids,

I would have benefited from spiritual direction, but I'm not sure that I actually could have done it. I could have done some of the things you just offered. And then I got to a point when they were at school during the day, when I actually, my life started to just open up a little bit, I really did and have benefited from, ⁓ know, sometimes it's been once a week, sometimes it's been once a month or a few times a year of having kind of an hour long Zoom spiritual direction. But I'm just curious if there are any cues that I might.

find in myself that say, yeah, now's the time to seek out more than the little moments throughout the week.

Pam Harmon (20:09)
Yeah, that's a great question. I think ⁓ usually, unless you're, you know, kind of have a specific need, spiritual direction would be once a month, and it usually is an hour. And so it isn't a big, huge, like, my gosh, I'm, you know, this is ⁓ a crisis moment and I need to go get counseling where...

There's been times in my life where I think, okay, I need some help in this, you know, and you go find a therapist and you go once a week and you really get some help. ⁓ But I think if any of those things that I was saying sounded good or sound like, gosh, that would be so refreshing for me to have somebody that would kind of breathe with or remind me to breathe or would ask me about.

What have you been noticing when you've written down, ⁓ I really like, I really noticed that I like doing this and gosh, now that I've been trying to notice, I am exhausted by blah, blah, blah, blah, I don't know how to not do that. I think that's when I started finding a spiritual director was when I got to where I was noticing that there are certain things in my life that I really

did enjoy and there were certain things that I really was finding, you know, I was not getting energy by, but I had no idea how to change that. Because I had lived the same way for so long and I had a lot of shoulds. I had a lot of religious reasons why I was, you know, I really felt like that's what the Bible said and I was called to do.

some things that I've been in ministry and I, you know, that's just how I felt like I was supposed to live. So even though I was noticing some ⁓ things that I wished I could change, I didn't know how. So it really helped to have somebody who could ask me good questions and then listen without judgment. To help me thread and sort and ⁓

just over months helped me to come to understand myself better and to really hear God saying, ⁓ you know, it's okay if you don't work this hard. it's, you know, it's okay if you don't do all these things. And there are other people, you can ask for help. I don't think I realized I could ask for help. I think that was really a new adventure for me.

Amy Julia Becker (22:58)
It was revelatory to me just to share similarly when I was like, ⁓ I also have needs. My children have needs. People around me have needs. I do too. And like that felt like really big news. But I agree having some people in our lives who can help us come to those understandings and also figure out what to do with them, ⁓ how to make those small shifts or large shifts ⁓ is just really, really crucial. So thank you for being one of those people.

I do want to make sure that people know how they might do more. You've already given, and we'll put in the show notes, the names of these big organizations. For people who might be seeking out spiritual direction, but they specifically would like to talk to someone like you who has experience with families affected by disability, can you just tell me how they would find you? And again, we will include this information in the show notes.

Pam Harmon (23:53)
Yeah, I would love to hear from you if you are interested in talking with a spiritual director. ⁓ My email is P. Harman, A-K-R-M-O-N-Y-L, like Young Life, at Comcast.net. We have a small group of us who are eager to talk and to walk alongside parents of ⁓ individuals affected by disability.

We want to offer a three-month kind of deal to see how many people really are interested. It would be three months for $99 once a month. And we're kind of putting it out there to see like, is this a need? Do parents want to have this? Would they love to talk to somebody? So please, you know, express your desire.

take us up on our offer and we'll see ⁓ how we can do this.

Amy Julia Becker (24:54)
I love that. Thank you so much. And again, we are really grateful for the work that you're doing, for all the different small practices that you offer here, and just for the gentle invitation to pay attention in that even, you know, once, one hour, once a month way, and for your generosity in terms of offering, yeah, a little not very expensive bundle for people who want to give that a try. So thank you.

so much for joining us and for the wisdom you shared here today. And yeah, we're really grateful.

Pam Harmon (25:29)
Thank you, Amy Julia. It's great to be with you.

Amy Julia Becker (25:35)
Thanks so much for joining me here at Take the Next Step. This show is produced in partnership with our friends at Hope Heals, a nonprofit that creates sacred spaces of belonging and belovedness for families affected by disability to experience sustaining hope in the context of inter-ability communities. As usual, a few final notes. We are gathering your questions for an upcoming Ask Me Anything episode, and we'd love to hear from you. We've got a link in the show notes for you to record.

or send an email with a question, we would love to hear from you. We have mentioned various organizations in this episode. We've also mentioned Pam's email address, and all of that is in the show notes. And when you contact Pam, she will provide you more information about her offer to provide spiritual direction to parents of children with disabilities. I would really encourage you, if that struck any sort of chord, to take her up on it.

Finally, we have more great conversations in store. Next week, I'll talk with Renee Dolan-Mayer about hope and joy in the midst of disability. We'll also be talking about grief in some upcoming ⁓ weeks and about goal setting, limits and possibilities, community. We've got so many good topics in store. As always, please follow, rate, review this show, share it with other people, send suggestions my way. We love not just having conversations with guests, but having conversations with listeners. So I would love to hear from you and you can

Text me via the link in the show notes or email me at amyjuliabeckerwriter at gmail.com. Thank you to Jake Hansen for editing this podcast and Amber Beery for doing everything else to make sure it happens. I hope you leave this time with encouragement to start with delight, connect to community, and take the next small step toward a good future for your feet.