Why So Many Couples Feel Like Roommates After Kids with Michelle Purta

Why do so many couples deeply love each other… yet still find themselves feeling more like co-managers than connected partners after kids?

In this episode of The Clean Mom Edit, MaKenzie sits down with marriage coach and host of The Marriage & Motherhood Podcast, Michelle Purta, for an honest conversation about what really happens to a relationship after children enter the picture.

Michelle shares why marriage often gets unintentionally placed on the back burner during early motherhood, how a woman’s nervous system shifts after children, and why many couples mistake exhaustion, overstimulation, and resentment for “communication problems.”

Together, they unpack what intentional reconnection actually looks like in real life — from monthly getaways and creative connection rhythms to releasing guilt around time away from your children.

This conversation is for the couple who still loves each other but knows they need to become intentional again before resentment becomes normal.

In This Episode, We Cover

• Why couples often feel like roommates after kids
• The identity shift motherhood creates inside marriage
• How postpartum and nervous system changes affect connection
• Why marriage must return to the front burner after early parenting years
• The role of novelty, fun, and shared experiences in rebuilding intimacy
• Why time away from your children can strengthen your family
• The hidden connection between exhaustion, resentment, and conflict
• Why support systems matter for marriage health
• How to begin reconnecting when both partners feel unseen
• Why vision matters: building a future you both want

Key Takeaways

• Romance does not stay strong without intentional upkeep
• Children benefit from seeing parents prioritize connection
• Marriage is the foundation of family culture
• Communication improves when connection improves
• Small consistent deposits matter more than grand gestures
• Self-care directly impacts how you show up in marriage

Connect with Michelle Purta

🎙 Podcast: The Marriage & Motherhood Podcast
📱 Instagram: @michellepurtacoaching
🌐 Website: Michelle Purta
🎁 Free Masterclass: Creating a vision for your marriage and family

Connect with MaKenzie

Instagram: @thecleanmomedit

Free Training — The Reason You Mom The Way You Do A free audio training that walks you through all five human design types through the lens of motherhood. 

Work With MaKenzie Aligned Strategy Session — a 60-minute deep dive for clear direction and sustainable habits. Restore 1:1 Transformation — a complete lifestyle change, application required. 

Join Aligned — $33/month A simple, supportive space for moms ready to slow down, regulate their nervous systems, and break cycles in community. Monthly teachings, tools, and the women walking this path right alongside you. 

💛 If this episode resonated with you, subscribe so you never miss an episode and leave a review — it means the world and helps other moms find this community.

Thank you for being here and for listening.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

All right. Well, today's conversation is for couples who love each other, but somewhere between schedules and kids and daily responsibilities, responsibilities started feeling more like co-managers than connected partners. So I'm joined by Michelle Perta, marriage coach and host of the Marriage and Motherhood podcast, who helps couples move from co-parenting roommates back into intentional partnerships. So she teaches couples how to navigate conflict, strengthen communication, and reconnect in ways that actually work in real family life. So, Michelle, welcome to the Clean Mom Edit podcast. I'm so glad we're having this conversation.

SPEAKER_01 0:49

Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited.

SPEAKER_00 0:52

All right. So let's dive in. I have a lot of questions that I want to pick your brain about. So the first one that I want to start with is why do so many couples generally love each other and still wake up one day feeling like roommates after kids?

SPEAKER_01 1:10

Yes. Such a common experience, by the way. If you're in it right now and you're like, how did we get here? Right? Like we were so strong in our romance game, and all of a sudden kids popped out and we're like, maybe I'll see you in a couple years. You know, it's like, how can this not happen, right? When when we have kids, we are literally biologically wired to prioritize taking care of them. They are literally so defenseless, like of the whole animal kingdom, we are probably the least equipped to live life on our own, right? Some animals literally ditch their babies and like, see, yeah, good luck. Um, but for us, it's like we have to feed them, we gotta clean them. They literally are just cute little blobs. And so with our brains so hyper-focused on giving them exactly what they need and us healing, right? Like, let's not forget the postpartum period. It can be a lot, right? So it's a change in our identity. We are now like mom. We are no longer like woman or partner, we are just mom. And we're so honed in on how can we raise this child to the best of our ability so much that we forget ourselves, and let's not mention the loss of sleep, the loss of energy. The mental load starts to amplify so much more than just what it was before when it was just the two of you. And so it's no wonder the marriage kind of takes a backseat, which is normal, right? In the beginning, I feel like you almost have to do that because you're still trying to figure out what your routine is, get your groove. But the problem here is that as we place the marriage on the back burner and the kid gets older, we forget to put it back in the front, right? We're like, well, we don't have time because we're not sleeping and we don't know what's going on with the child. And then the kid gets older, and what do you do? You're so used to not having time allocated to your marriage that you fill it in with other things like play dates, going to parties, sports, and you stop keeping your marriage as a factor, as a variable to consider when building out your life of what that looks like. So without the nurturing, without the, you know, consistent little um, I guess like deposits into your love bank, right? Whether it's from day-to-day stuff or the dates or the trips, whatever, of course your marriage is going to feel the effects of that, right? You're going to become roommates, you're going to become co-parents, and that's it. The romance isn't something that just sticks around. It's definitely something that you have to upkeep.

SPEAKER_00 4:08

And what would you say, like, is a good, you know, I'm sure every upkeep rhythm is going to be different for every couple. Like, how do you go about like uh walking through couples to find what rhythm works best for them?

SPEAKER_01 4:22

Yeah. So not only is it different for every couple, it's also different in every phase of your life together, right?

SPEAKER_02 4:28

Totally.

SPEAKER_01 4:29

Like your life with babies is different than your life with toddlers, with elementary school, with middle school, with high schoolers, with, you know, young adults. And so it's really about being intentional, right? Intentional connection means keeping your pulse on what's working, what's not working. So it's really more about looking for the signs, like, okay, are we disconnected? Do you know what that looks like and feels like? What are the signs and are pointing to? Hey, we need a reset. We need to get back together and be intentional about how we're connecting more on a regular and consistent basis. And so what that looks like is okay, well, how did we like to connect before? Maybe it won't directly translate, but you could definitely pull out elements of what you enjoyed before and think, how does that fit in our life today? Even if it seems impossible, it does really require some sort of creativity and willingness to commit to, well, how important is our marriage to us? When we're 80, 90 years old, do we want to still be together? Right? If that's the case, what do we see our marriage being like at that point? Do we still want to be flirting and silly and enjoying our life? You know, that like old couple AC holding hands and giggling. I'm like, dude, that's goals, right? So, like, if that's what you're wanting, you've got to do the work. You've got to put in the time, the energy, and the work into creating that future for yourself. So, what does that look like? What kind of couple are you, right? Are you more of like the homebody type of couple? Okay, maybe pick up some puzzles or like have movie dates at home, or you know, do something that brings you together. You can do like cooking things, right? There's plenty of meal things out there where you get them mailed to you and you get to work on it together, or you can try out a new recipe, make pasta together, whatever.

SPEAKER_02 6:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:29

Or are you more of like the outdoors, the adventurist kind? Go on a hike, right? Go camping, go. Um, my husband and I love to do like fun things like escape rooms or axe throwing, or you know, things that are like kind of novel. So we'll try and look for new things like that. So it's really just about how to inject newness and life and novelty into your relationship when everything else in your life is so mundane.

SPEAKER_00 6:54

Gosh, that hit so hard because I feel like probably last year I was like, so my youngest, um, we've been through. He he's just our our child that's super special. I feel like we all have, you know, one at least, um, where he's made me just pull back in big picture life and just um really dive into health. Um he had really bad eczema. Um, and so I've had to, and I'm really more of a holistic um person. So had to learn, you know, uh a lot about that and still learning as we speak. But I feel like last year I was like, okay, like if I want my marriage to be healthy, I have to be intentional. So I will say that we um now have, we're going like three months strong of like every like we have a weekend out of every month. Um, and we like for the first in January, I rented a tree house. Uh it was a dome, a glass dome. Um, and I splurged because I'm like, this is something that like it's a new experience for my husband and I. And we went hiking like in nature. And I will tell you, like, it seriously healed us, like as a couple. So I'm like, the, you know, the women who are listening to this, like this true, like I am a, you know, testimony. Like it truly works when you put the effort in and like are intentional and get out and do fun different things. And um, it just brings you back to who you are. But I feel like it also um, you know, we you've changed so much through each kid, you know, through each stage that it also like you're reef you're refining another, I don't know, love for your husband too in those moments. Do you feel like that? Oh, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 8:40

There's um been articles out there saying like you're not ever married to the same person in your marriage, right? Like we change, we become different people, and we're meant to do that, right? We're meant to evolve and grow. And so I love that you did that because not only is it just a weekend getaway, but you're also building core memories, right? You're also adding to the file cabinet that you have in your mind of, oh yeah, we do enjoy each other, like just continuing to layer in the evidence to your brain when all the other moments of difficulty, when you're running a household and co-parenting, it's like there's so many moments and opportunities to get frustrated at each other or annoyed or angry. It's like we need to counterbalance that with reminders of, oh, wait, I do like you as a person so that our emotions do have something to kind of like, wait a minute, time out. We can be angry about this, but it doesn't have to mean that they're awful and that we need to leave. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:45

How do you go about um explaining, I guess, the importance of like doing things without your kids? Because the longest time, like I felt so much guilt, like for us to do a weekend getaway. Um, kind of walk me through those the ways that you explain that to your clients. Yes, very easy, actually.

SPEAKER_01 10:07

How do you want your kids' relationships to be like in the future? Oh okay. Like, do you want them to be married and assume and believe that okay, once I have kids, that's it. That's my life. They're my soul focus. And then when the kids leave, what happens? Your buffers are gone. You're now strangers, right? You were only basing your life around being in the business of raising kids and running a home. And then when the responsibilities shrink because they're now off doing their own adult life things, what do you have left? Right. I want you to be able to enjoy your life even while raising kids. Okay. Like I feel like we have to enjoy our life while raising kids, otherwise, we will completely lose it and just have a mental breakdown every other week. And the only way they're going to learn how a healthy, successful relationship works is by witnessing it at home. So, whatever you're showing them, for good or for worse, that's their definition of how a relationship works. And so, yeah, I get it. The mom guilt, your brain is like, no, you can't leave them. You're so irresponsible. They're gonna miss you. You're gonna make them go through that torment and that pain because you're selfish. No, it's because you're the parent and you could see long term how this is beneficial for them in ways where it's like, hey, you get to take a break for yourself or for your marriage. Like this weekend, I'm leaving to go to Vegas for my girlfriend's 40th birthday. Do I feel bad? No. I mean, I don't like that they're gonna be sad, but also they need to see that their mom has a life and they get to have a life when they have kids too, right? Like they're not my source of joy. They are a source, but not every source. And also when you go away, you come back rejuvenated, whether it's by yourself or with your partner. And so your marriage very much is the foundation of the vibe of the home. If you want your house to be harmonious, you've got to make sure your marriage is good, right? In the hierarchy of things, I look at it as you come first, like you should love yourself most, and then your marriage, so long as you're not in an abusive relationship, and then your kids. But what we were taught was, oh, kids first, and then maybe your marriage, maybe you, maybe not you, right? That was how we were taught. Like I know my mom was definitely like, I'm a martyr, I'm going to work full time and do all the things in the home. I'm not gonna ask for help, but I'm gonna get angry about it if I'm like burnt out, right? And so I swore to myself, like, okay, grateful for all that you did. And I don't want to be that way. I want to enjoy my kids. I also want to enjoy myself, right? Just because I've taken on this new identity as mom doesn't mean that my identity as Michelle, as an individual, as a woman gets erased, right? No, I just kind of up level. Like, what does this look like for me now? Who am I now? And for the longest time, I like had no hobbies and I just felt lost in life, right? But now it's like on Monday nights, I take an adult hip hop class.

SPEAKER_03 13:35

I love that.

SPEAKER_01 13:36

On Wednesday, I have tennis practice, Thursdays I have tennis matches, and then like once a week I go to a girlfriend's house for like a watch party to watch like a series with them. So like we, I think right now we're walk working through Maxton Hall, right? So it's like we need time to remember who we are. We also need time to remember, oh, why are we together? What do we enjoy about each other? Because it's that connection that makes life so much easier, but also it creates a sense of like shield from resentment and arguments.

SPEAKER_00 14:12

Totally. Yeah, I feel like um we've been doing a parenting focus, like uh small group with um from our church, and it is like really been eye-opening because it is um like kind of what you piggybacking off of what you said, like it is a reflection of yourself. Um, and that's been an eye-opener because I'm just more like conscientious about like my actions and how I respond and just like how I live my life. So um it's been hard though at times too, because you've had to confront, you know, some of the um the reactions that my daughter has, you know, with like yelling or like door slamming or things like that. And I'm like, oh, gulp. Like those are a lot of times how I react. So, but it's made me, it's making me a better mom. But I understand how this can be scary for, you know, couples. So how do you kind of navigate those conversations?

SPEAKER_01 15:12

So any change is going to feel a little like bumpy in the beginning, right? So, like for your kids at first, if they're not used to you taking time for yourself or you going away on dates or on getaway trips with your husband, they're gonna be like, what is happening? This is not how this program works. And so much of it is about them getting used to a new normal, right? So you're gonna hit some resistance at first, but then once they get used to it, they're like, oh yeah, okay, have a great time. It's also a great time for them to bond with other caretakers that are important in their life too, right? They're gonna be different when you're not around. We know this, right? We we especially know this when we like go to a parent teacher conference and they're like, your child is amazing. And I'm like, are we talking about the same kid? Because I don't see that at home, right? Literally happened last week to me. Yeah. Totally. Um, and for your partner, it's really about. Um, I actually have a free masterclass uh about this, and I'll definitely share this link with you. But it really is about, hey, what's our future that we want together? What's this picture that we're working towards? Because if you are not really, if you have like no sense of destination that you're working towards, like where are you even going? You're just kind of floating in the ether, which means that you're just reacting to life, right? Your decisions are based on what's presented to you rather than saying, this is what I want, this is what I'm working towards. And I have direction and clarity, and all my decisions are going to help me get there. And it's like very easy to be like, this is a yes for me, and this is a no for me, because you have that uh vision in mind and you have your sights on something that you're working towards. And so the first step is really to get aligned with your husband. Like, what is the life that we're trying to build? How do we want our life to end up looking like when we're old and gray, right? Let's work our way backwards. What does that look like? How will our kids be like? How, what does that mean for how we need to raise them and guide them today based on how we want to shape them, right? And so it really is just big picture thinking first and reverse engineering the whole thing.

SPEAKER_00 17:26

I love that. I feel like that has saved my marriage multiple times and the, you know, darkness of times in parenting and and marriage is like my husband and I will like look at each other and we'll just be like, okay, just remember that we're gonna be in Ireland one day, you know, old and wrinkly and like having, you know, a cup of coffee, you know, and a small like coffee. Like we just have to like keep like bringing those images back and like being grounded, you know, in the the you know, hardships of of times. So um what changes in women's nervous system after motherhood that often impacts like how she connects with her partner? Talk to me about that.

SPEAKER_01 18:09

Yeah. So we kind of talked about this earlier. When we have kids, our brains get rewired to focus on helping our child survive, helping them thrive. And our sort, our sense of empathy gets amplified, right? And so we're like, okay, how can we make sure the baby's okay? This is why the crying really gets to us. I don't know about you, but I would hear phantom cries when I would shower. Oh, yeah. Oh my gosh, that was the worst. I'm like, oh my gosh, I can't even take a shower. But my husband's like, no one's crying. I'm like, oh gosh. And so that's definitely biological. That is a part of us to help our child survive to, you know, whatever. Historically, it's just to keep the the human race going, I guess. And so when we are kind of challenging how our biology works, it takes a lot of effort to be like, oh, I instinctively want to do this, like care for the child, be there, never leave, never do anything, never let them out of my sight, and just make sure they're good and have a better life than I had growing up, or same however you grew up. It's challenging to kind of be like, wait, we should go on a date. I can't do that. Like the guilt is strong, right? And I want you to remember when we're in an argument and our emotions are riding high, our logic is low. Right. So if we can kind of take those two concepts of when I'm in an argument or when I'm really upset, that's not the best time to make a decision and talk it through because it's not going to go over well. So, same with this. It's like when I am feeling guilt-ridden, I need to be conscientious of, oh, my body or my mind is not functioning as logically as I would if I were not in this like big cloud of like postpartum and just like mom guilt. And so that's where like bringing in that future vision, like, okay, if we want to be a strong couple, what does that entail? Like, if I were to continue doing what we're doing now, but like fast forward seven years, do I think that would be good for my marriage? If we continue not talking about the important stuff, if we continue to just only focus on work, kids, and house, is that enough? No, you would feel really lonely. Eventually you'd get really resentful because you guys aren't talking about stuff, you guys also aren't pouring into your relationship. And it's like you'll get to the point where a lot of women are how did we get here? I feel like I still love you, but but I don't know that I'm in love with you anymore. Right? The sparks are gone. I don't really get excited to see you anymore. It's just like, oh you, hey, you know, like you roll over and you're like, I don't even know when the last time I kissed you was, or hugged you, or touched you, right? But your marriage gets to be different than that. It gets to be spicy, it gets to be fun and flirty, and that takes work to maintain.

SPEAKER_00 21:34

A lot of couples think that the problem is communication, but it is sometimes actually, you know, exhaustion and like you said, resentment or overstimulation underneath. I guess tell me, is that kind of what you have seen, or is it the communication part of it?

SPEAKER_01 21:54

So, okay, I will say communication is important because how can you work through things? If you don't talk about it, right? However, it's the lack of prioritization and connection that dictates how well you two will communicate. You could be the worst communicators, but if you layer on disconnect and resentment and all that that comes out of not connecting and not talking, the communication's going to be really bad. Right. It's going to get to the point where you both trigger each other and you get to that point where it's like you guys are talking, but you're not having the same conversation. And you come out of it just exhausted, emotionally drained, and feeling like nothing is resolved. And you're like, I'm too tired to fight anymore. And then it's like, okay, let's just get on with life because we don't have time for this. And then it happens again and again and again to the point where either you just that is your normal or you just stop fighting altogether, which is a sign of just indifference, which is not a good place to be either. Right. And so it really is about how does life work for us to have a strong marriage? And most people they will kind of like see where can we squeeze in our marriage into our life. But your life was built off of your marriage. It's the foundation. And so if that's the foundation, your life actually needs to squeeze into your marriage, if that makes sense. So a lot of people are like, oh, but I have all these things to do and we don't have time. We don't have a free weekend. I'm too tired. Okay. Hold up. If this was your child and your child's like, I am burnt out, you would just be like, let's look at your schedule. What can we rearrange? What can we take away? What can we do differently? Do we need to hire you support? Do you need a therapist? Do you need OT? Whatever. Why can't we do that for ourselves? Right? So that could look like delegating, having your kids do more at home. A lot of moms don't do that. I am surprised by the number of people in my neighborhood whose kids do not have chores. I don't understand that. This should not all fall on mom or the parents, right? They are also living in the home. They also need to learn on how to adult because they're eventually going to have to do this for themselves. So it's a necessary skill for them to have. On top of that, maybe that means hiring a house cleaner, hiring out for laundry service, if that's within your uh resources. But that also looks like, okay, well, if I'm too tired every single day and I'm giving my husband my leftovers, how does that feel? If the situation was reversed, how would I feel? I would feel forgotten, insignificant, unimportant, right? Just kind of like trash, tossed to the side. Oh, okay, you're here. I just want to use you for your abilities to raise a child and run the home and make money or whatever. But that's not why we got together in the first place, right? We got together because we enjoy each other's company and we work together well. So let's work together. Okay. So what's the culture of the family that we want to create? How much empty space do we want? If if you want to be able to go on a date once a week, twice a month, however, whatever cadence you want, that needs to be a priority. It needs to be on the calendar. If you make a decision to move it, that's your decision. But it needs to be there. So maybe that means instead of five sports that your kid is in, maybe they're in two or three. They'd probably benefit from having the space to be bored, by the way. Right. So we have to think, okay, well, if we're meant to connect tonight and this is our night, I need to lighten my load or work smarter or hire a help. Right? So you've got to set up your day, not just be like, sorry, I know we were gonna go do this, but I just don't have it in me. But if that becomes regular and consistent, what are you telling your partner? You don't matter. Our marriage doesn't matter to me as much anymore.

SPEAKER_00 26:21

I feel like the common theme, you know, with a lot of this, you know, nervous system, you know, regulation, um, especially in, you know, mothers, is you know, leveraging support. Like there is so much guilt around moms, like having to do it all and like bearing that weight. And I'm like, I just I want like every mom and including myself, like I feel like this is something that I've you know had to work through, um, is leveraging, you know, support. And that doesn't just always mean, you know, the grandparents and like finding like creative ways, you know, to you know, be better supported. What are some ways that I feel like you know, moms can get to the root of this, can release this, you know, mindset, and also like creative ways to find, you know, ways to support, you know, maybe, you know, date nights and all of that.

SPEAKER_01 27:16

Absolutely. So I moved across the country. I actually have no family here in Georgia, like zero. So we're still married. We're going on, what is it, 12 years this year? Um, and a lot of it really is taking the time to take care of yourself. Like I know it's like so like overstated self-care, self-care, but it is underrated, if I have to say. Okay, because I am a completely different person when I don't take care of myself and when I take care of myself, right? When I don't take care of myself, I am so easily frustrated, annoyed by the kids. I have less patience. Like, we know the kids aren't gonna listen the first time. That is just like a part of their programming. They're like, ah, whatever. And if I can't handle a kid being a kid, there's something wrong with what I'm doing, with how I'm operating my life, right? Like, I'm in the driver's seat, I'm the one making the decisions. So I need to take care of myself, whether that's exercising, eating well, taking space for myself to go hang out with friends or whatever it is that brings you peace and joy and just like the sense of lightness and freedom. We need to do that. So does your partner, by the way, right? Like your husband needs that too. So you guys need to support each other to be at your healthiest in all states, right? Your mental health, physical health, spiritual health, whatever health. We all need to help each other thrive by bringing each other up, right? So, I mean, I think that really is the key is we need to love ourselves most. And what does that look like? Right? Because like everything we do is a mirror to how well we're caring for ourselves. And that also means doing the hard stuff, right? Setting those boundaries, having those tough conversations, being real with ourselves. Like, am I putting myself in a situation that is creating this chaos? Is there something I can do differently? Do I need to cut people out? Do I need to mend some things? Do we need to change how I look at things, approach things? Like, this is really, I mean, it's a huge veer. When you're having stuff going on with your kids, when you have stuff going on with your marriage, is it as a reflection of something that is going on within you?

SPEAKER_00 29:50

Yeah, I feel like I love that you said like self-love, because I feel like that's been like my motto through this whole, you know, healing journey is like, once I truly love myself, is whenever I started to see the shift in my relationships, and my body, and my, you know, inflammation, and my kids, in my house, like everything just started molding together once I've accepted that. And there's totally layers on top of that too. Oh, of course. So I I love that you had have mentioned that. When two people feel when the when you know both feel very unseen, where does reconnection actually begin without forcing it? Like, what's the first step? Like we're we're in the dark days here. Yes. What's your what's your out after this?

SPEAKER_01 30:35

Yes. So obviously the first step is like acknowledging it, right? Like we are not in a good place. Um, and this can look like a lot of different ways of coming out. And I'll say the the least effective way is to be like, why don't you do this anymore? Why like you care more about football than you care about me? Like, so like the negative stuff, right? Like that's not affected. What is the most effective is talking about what you do want, which a lot of people actually struggle to pinpoint because we're so used to just like complaining, unfortunately, right? It's much easier to be like, I don't like that, and I don't like that. Like, prime example of when they ask, what do you want to go out and eat? And I'm like, I don't know, whatever. And then they're like, How about this? How about that? I'm like, no, I don't want that, I don't want that. Also, we've been trained from at like school age to be like spot the difference. What's the difference? Okay, this is off, right? And so, or at least that's my theory. That's my theory as to why we talk like this. But honestly, when I get on calls with couples who like want to kind of like talk through is coaching for them, I'm often like, so okay, that's what's happening. What is it that you want? And they're like, Well, I don't want this anymore, and I don't want that anymore. I'm like, okay, but what do you want? Right. And talking that way with your husband is so important. So, like, hey, I miss I miss you. Like, I miss us, I miss our marriage, I miss having fun together. Things have felt so heavy here lately. And I just so want to like work together to figure out what we can do going forward. Even just breaking the ice with that is going to be so powerful because you're not attacking him, you're not criticizing him, right? You're just saying, I really miss us. And chances are he probably r misses it too, right? Because if you're not taking care of yourself and you're not connecting, he's probably like, gosh, you're so serious now as a mom. That is such a normal transition, by the way, to go from like so fun, and all of a sudden you're like, hey, clean up your socks. And it's like everything is serious in a command or a request. Yeah. And so he's seen the shift. And what he probably hasn't shared with you is he misses his wife. Yeah. Right? I mean, we miss ourselves too. We're like, I don't know if I missed them too. I'm like at the verge of crying. But like, uh, yeah. So it's just breaking that conversation, meaning like, hey, I miss us, coming to an agreement, right? That's always a really powerful way to start a conversation with someone that you fear might kind of like end up in an argument with. So you're like, hey, what do we both mutually want? What's a mutual goal that we have? You know, like, hey, I really want to make sure that our marriage makes it and that we could show our kids a really great, strong example. And I really miss us. What do you think about going on a date one day? Like, I know it might feel awkward, so maybe we could start with like a quick coffee date and kind of like no pressure, right? And kind of just like find your way. Like, I can't prescribe a cookie cutter way for each of you guys to do this, but it really does take experimentation, creativity, curiosity, and just kind of approach it with like a like a dating approach. Like when you first went on dates with someone, you're kind of like, okay, I'm gonna put my best foot forward. I'm gonna put in effort, not have your phone in front of you, not talk about boring things like kids and the house, but you're gonna be like, hey, I'm gonna show genuine interest in you as an individual. Like, what's been going on with you lately that you know you've been needing support with? Because we never fully know how our partner is doing at all times. We barely know how we're doing. Like, I I know some people are like, how have you been doing? And I literally have to pause and be like, I actually haven't taken the time this week to think about how I'm doing because I've just been go, go, go, go, go. Right. So if we don't even know what's going on with us, we certainly don't always know what's going on with them, even though you've been together for so long. There's always more to learn about each other.

SPEAKER_00 35:02

I think like the reflection piece and like actually sharing, you know, about your your feelings is like just so critical. And I and I think just like our society right now is, you know, you don't want to share your feelings. And I'm like, that's the whole part of, you know, a marriage too, is like, you know, and why I'm so passionate about this and why I was so excited to have you on the podcast. Cause like I do feel like people just like give up without, you know, even having this conversation. And I just don't want to see that any longer. So utilizing, you know, individuals like yourself, you know, before they even get to that point or how to navigate too. And this is where I'm talking about the support in the village. Like, I truly believe that that's like finding people like yourself, you know, who has helped multiple couples navigate this because not everybody is, you know, going to be able to figure it out on their own. And like, it's okay. Like that's where I'm like, it is it is okay to like, and you know, it's embarrassing. It's, you know, sometimes, you know, feels like you're a failure, but like reaching out and actually talking about how you feel is the only way that you're going to mend. Is that how you feel?

SPEAKER_01 36:14

Yeah. I mean, I'm biased, but I don't feel like you need to be embarrassed at all. Like, why should you know how to do this? Right. Like, we why should you know? Because your parents were a prime example or like your immediate, you know, circle, your village. And so if you didn't have positive role models to look up to in that sense, why would you know? Like, I know for myself, I didn't have that. And I kind of just had to like fumble my way through it and hope that it got better. And the whole point of this is like, do you want it? If you want it, then wouldn't you go do what you need to do, even if it means seeking professional help? I mean, the whole reason why my profession exists is to help you spot the things that you have a blind spot with, right? To help you know, like, hey, I see the pattern. Because I see it all the time with my clients. I see it in myself. And like, we all have unique talents. That's my talent is spotting the pattern, teaching you how to communicate in a healthy way where you can advocate for yourself, but still keep your partner engaged in the conversation, not feeling like they need to shut down or run away, right? Like it's okay to ask for help. It could shorten the time that you experienced this frustration and this loneliness and this pain and get on with your life and like just have it completely transform how your home feels. Isn't that worth it, right? If you tell someone, if you choose to, doesn't that just show that you care about your marriage? I don't think that's anything to be ashamed of.

SPEAKER_00 37:59

I don't. I agree. I just feel like that is the perception that a lot of individuals in my network um have, you know, mentioned. And also I just feel like my mindset is, you know, invest everything you have before giving up because like our children need it. Like that's what I always like think back to. I'm like, I uh, you know, I'm putting the effort in because not only do I love this person, but I also want my children to be raised, you know, in a household, you know, that both parents are under one roof. Like I do. Like I I know that like, you know, I have friends who have, you know, been divorced and, you know, have gotten out of marriages, you know, and I totally believe that if, you know, you're being, you know, physically, verbally abused, like, yes, like life on the other side is there. But um I feel like my main motto is like, I want there to be more of a structured good communication under a roof because that trickles into, you know, the next generation of our children.

SPEAKER_01 39:06

Absolutely. And if communication is your main issue, you're gonna want to work with a marriage coach no matter what. Okay. Because let's say you work with someone and you're able to improve your communication skills and it works out. Yeah, that's worth it. But let's go on the flip side, let's say it doesn't work out. At least at that point, you have exhausted all your efforts and you're like, well, I've grown as a person. I've done everything I can do. If they're not upholding their end, I can like with my whole chest say, we're not compatible anymore, and leave in a more grounded state rather than just so upset because you're so hurt, but you can come out of this like confident in your decision. And the healing process has already begun. And you then you get to use those skills in your next relationship or with your kids, like whatever you see for your future.

SPEAKER_00 40:08

So good. All right. My last question, and then I want you to share where my audience can find you because I just think that this is just so important. And I know that they are all gonna be asking me. So um, for the couples listening, um, you know, who are stuck in the logistics and the parenting and the routine, what is one small shift they can make this week to start feeling like partners again? Watch by master class.

SPEAKER_01 40:37

Oh I love that. Watch by masterclass. Um, I walk you through creating that vision for your family. Okay, because once you have that blueprint, then you could start to check everything else against that. Is it working towards it? Is it is it working against it? Okay, easy decision. Let's not do that anymore. We're gonna switch that up. So that would be my one thing.

SPEAKER_00 41:00

I love that. And I'm gonna take you up on that myself. So, all right. Well, tell my audience where they can can find you and where they can find the masterclass as well.

SPEAKER_01 41:09

Yeah. So since you're listening to a podcast, it's super easy to hop on over to mine. It's called Marriage and Motherhood. Um, I think you'll really like it. I have uh guests that like that expert or wow, guests that are experts in all kinds of areas that help with moms and women in general. And then I have my own solo episodes to help you strengthen your marriage in the different areas of marriage. Um, I'm on Instagram under Michelle Perta Coaching, and I'm excited to connect with you. Come and say hi.

SPEAKER_00 41:39

I will link this all in the show notes as well so you guys can easily find her. But thank you, Michelle. You have been amazing. And I feel like I could talk to you for hours and hours and hours. Um, you have been such a blessing, and I hope you have a fantastic weekend in Vegas.